Need some opinions!

This topic was created in the Capricorn forum by MyCap on Saturday, February 11, 2006 and has 11 replies.
Ok u guys know that me and my cap had an overnite last weekend after him calling off the whole exclusive thing. Well this past week has been one incredible week I might say. I have done very well with not calling him, etc. As u know, I think I mentioned in another post that he called me thurs and wanted me over for lunch and i said no, then later on thurs nite he called just to talk. Well this is something crazy, I should have done this a long time ago. With me not calling him, constantly trying to keep contact with him is bugging the sh!t out of him. He's literally flipping out on me. Calling me a lot. Asking me what's going on with me and asking why I'm being weird to him. It's funny and I love it. Because I have the power. But now that I have the power I have to be careful not to lose it too soon. So anyhow, I'm out w/the girls last nite, he's working, well I get a phone call from him. He's asking me why i didnt call him all day yesterday. I was like huh? Usually if I was to call him he wouldn't answer cause he'd be working, well he was calling me while he was working. So we talked, he had to go, and I was fine w/it. Well what do u know, he calls back later and says he wants to see me. I say, fine but Im going out w/the girls first. I wasn't going to stop my plans for him. He said ok, so I went and stayed w/him and left today before he had to go to work. This is crazy how it's all going w/him. I've never seen this side of him. I just wonder what he's doing tho. Is he just keeping me around for the fun of it, or is he trying to get serious w/me again? That's one thing I'm not for sure of. Any input on it?
O and also, V-day is coming up. Since I'm not actually with him and he's not my valentine, I don't know if I should do somehting for him. Or give him something. I can't go out w/him on v-day because he's working, but I didn't know if there was something that i could do to at least acknowledge him on wed. Any suggestions or should I not do anything at all?
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I reread my post and it looks like I said that i keep calling him and bugging the sh!t out of him. How i meant to word it was that he's used to me calling him and bugging him but Im not. So its gotten his curiosity peaked on why I havent been.
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MyCap-- heck yes, you should do something. No question. Just keep it non-ILY (i love you) and all that total love stuff. You said on Wed. to give him it, that would be the day after VDay? Is that bc. you'll see him then? That is a good idea though to wait bc. then you could see if he does anything for you. It would just tell you a bit about things to find that out; and if you give him whatever on Tues., he may then be provoked or forced to do something...
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Hey MyCap,
I went back to find your message about the "labels" comment:
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"Message posted by: MyCap on 2/8/2006 7:30:15 AM
I think he feels that I'm his girlfriend, but just doesn't want to call me one. It consciously makes him feel as if he's being held down or something. But if we don't have a label, i guess it makes him feel that he's a free man and can do what he wants. It's weird. But then it makes me wonder, are we ever going to get past this point?"
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Ok, MyCap, If I were you, I would use this "power" to find out where I stand with him.
Something else you said makes me think that you need to know where you stand when you posted:

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"Message posted by: MyCap on 2/9/2006 4:52:42 PM
But I think the reason why I didn't join him [for lunch] was just because I felt like he always sees me on his time and not mine, and I just wasn't in the mood for that today."
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MyCap, does it sound like he's getting the "benefits" w/o having to be exclusive? I mean, what's different *now* that wasn't happening when you two were exclusive? Ok, you were a little more available than you are *now*, but he still gets what he wants, eventually. You said when he invited you to lunch, you didn't want to go b/c you thought his alterior motive was sex and everything was on "his time" and not yours. However, the next day or so, you are with him and he is getting just what he wanted. MyCap, being a little less available every now and then will bother him and will work for your favor, if you use it wisely. But you could be that way in an exclusive relationship with him as well.
I have to ask this again b/c I don't want this to get lost. Has anything really changed in this situation, besides your relationship not being labeled "exclusive"? The benefits for HIM are still there, even if he does have to wait a day or so to get what he wants.
MyCap, you don't sound happy just "going with the flow". Why are you doing that? Do you think/hope something will change if you don't say something to him about how you feel? I don't mean get emotional or wait till the last straw, but since you feel that you have this "power/control" over yourself right now, and even in this *relationship*, it may be a good time to get some questions answered. I know you may be afraid it will scare him away, but I don't think so. If you handle it calmly and rationally, I believe he will understand you and then you two can come to an agreement that is acceptable/comfortable to both of you.
One thing I have learned when dealing with a cap man or any man for that matter, when they make it known to me (or vice versa) that we are not a couple ANYMORE, the benefits STOP on my part. A clean break has always been the best for me. He can no longer enjoy things that are only available to "my man". Think about it. If I continue to give him the benefits that he experienced while he was my man, what will make him want to commit to me again? "Why buy milk when you have the cow" I've heard it said.
MyCap, I hate to be blunt, but I mean this from the bottom of my heart. If you are ok going with the flow and don't care to have him back in your life as your man, then continue sleeping with him and whatever else you may be doing that he doesn't deserve. But if you want him back as your man, then you MUST differentiate what he gets as a friend and what he gets as a boyfriend.
Use this "power" to make the stand that you need to get the answers you seek.
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CapGirl,
I meant tues not wed. For some reason I was thinking that v-day was on wed. So what should I do for him? Any suggestions? I will definetely keep the ILY out of it. I just wonder if he'll do anything tho? Last Monday when I was at his place a commercial came on for jewelry for v-day and he just kind of looked at me out of the corner of his eye, and said hmmm...I just smiled. I don't know if he's even thought about it.
pathfinder,
thanks for being blunt. The truth of the matter is that I'm learning as I go with this. Sometimes i get really confused on what "I" really want out of this. Yes I do somewhat have the power now, but just as you said he did eventually get what he wanted. I do need to differentiate between friend and boyfriend. They r two different things, and he doesn't deserve what I do give him now. And ur exactly right with the "Why buy the cow when u can get the milk free." Nothing is really different when we were exclusive than what we r doing now. See when we became exclusive a couple weeks ago, that was the first time in 8 mos that we have. So I think it kind of freaked me out, as well as him probably, and I guess I just expected more from him, knowing that his time is limited, etc. Which Im ok with. I guess I just freaked out and expected him to then see me everyday and call me all day, everyday. My expectations went so high, I ruined the exclusiveness by expecting those things and I guess it was just too overwhelming for him. Now if I was just like I am now when we were exclusive a couple weeks ago, everything would be fine. But as I said, I realized after he said it wouldn't work what I did wrong in it. I do need to have a talk w/him now about what we r. I don't want to keep seeing him like this and him stringing me along without a commitment again for another 8 mos. I'm not scared of his answer. I believe he does have strong feelings for me, that's why he's still around. I don't think he'd put up with my crap if he didn't have to. If he just wanted sex he could get that anywhere. He's friends with a lot of girls, but he doesn't see those girls as much as he does me. He actually doesn't spend anytime w/them. I just wish that one day he'd call and tell me how he truly felt about me without me having to get it out of him. But if he continues to call and do what he's been doing this past week, we will have to have another talk about what we r. Right now it's not really bothering me because I am truly going w/the flow of things. I will probably get tired of that soon not knowing what we r tho. And I guess I'm just scared to get hurt by him again, and if I continue seeing him that may be what I get again. That's why I'm not trying to let myself get too involved in him again. Yes, I am seeing him, but I'm still keeping my emotions in check.
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OHHHH, ok, I get it now, MyCap. When you became exclusive you thought that meant spending more time together i.e., more frequent phone calls, evenings/days, etc. I would have thought the same thing. However, since nothing had really changed when you became exclusive, it freaked you out. I get it now.
I feel you on this: "I don't want to keep seeing him like this and him stringing me along without a commitment again for another 8 mos. I'm not scared of his answer."
I hear you. I still think you are right that something should have changed when you were exclusive. I would just discuss it with him -- what does being exclusive mean to him and what it means to you. I think that is where the "disconnect" occurred in your relationship. He does love you, MyCap, but like you said, he probably didn't know what you expected out of him and vice versa. Once you two get that out in the open, I really think you two will have a wonderful relationship.
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Well thanks pathfinder. I know I did freak out when he finally told me we were exclusive! I was so happy that I ended up ruining it. We will have the talk about the exclusive/non exclusive thing really soon. I believe once we do actually understand each other that we could have a wonderful relationship. I hope he does love me! I just let the 'exclusive' word get the best of me, and it went downhill. I think he expected us to do the same thing, but now we were exclusive. I think when he told me that he wanted to be exclusive, he was wanting to reassure me at the same time that he didn't want to be w/anyone else, i.e. that girl that he went to the concert with and the same girl that was at his house that nite that I showed up at his door. Because we became exclusive right after I showed up that nite w/her there. I didn't want to be seeing him and him seeing others at the same time. So him being exclusive with me meant that he wasn't going to see anyone else. If that makes sense?
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Yes, MyCap. You know what exclusive means to you and he knows what exclusive means to him. Don't guess anymore. Talk to him when the time is right to find out what it [exclusive] means to him and let him know what it means to you. Once you both KNOW each other's interpretation and expectations, this would eliminate alot of innocent misunderstandings. Good Luck, we're cheering for you!
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thanks pathfinder.
Yes I will talk to him when the time is right. I'm still kind of scared about the outcome, but I'm not trying to worry too much about it tho. I guess I'm just scared of not ending up with him. I want him so bad!
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LOL! I hear you!
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Yeah and it sucks!
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