What to do in RESPONSE to a pulling away Cap?

This topic was created in the Capricorn forum by beelibra on Tuesday, March 26, 2013 and has 36 replies.
So my cap and I were seeing each other for a couple months. Great conversation, amazing sex, met his family and his mom loves me. What it lacked was affection, physical amd verbal. Although he gave me plenty at the verrry beginning when he was pursuing me. I slept over at his house last weekend and found myself feeling very lonely after having sex. No kissing, very little touching cuddling, and I just. elt like I deserve better than this and I wanted more. I almost wanted to leave in the middle of the night but I held out to the morning. when did up having a good morning together, his mom came in and we were all hanging out laughing together. We also did the same thing the night before with his father, so he obviously likes me enough to have me around his family. This confused me and made me feel like I wanted to continue things with him, but now I can see that he's backing off and he's talking to me less. He says he's busy this or that, but I can see through the bullshit and obviously he just doesn't really want to talk to me. So looks like the capricorn is backing off and doing the infamous disappearing act... And that's fine, because I don't want to waste my time or feel like I'm alone when I'm with somebody. I still do have hope for us, and I respect if he wants space to reevaluate things, this is why I want to know how should I give him that while letting him know I'm not a doormat, im valuable, I also am going to go on with my life as he does his without making him feel like he can't come and tell me that he thought about things? I dont want to end things...i just dont know exactly how to respond to this even though i have the basic idea of what is going on and what i need to do. Gah, help you brilliant minds. Thanks in advance!! Big Grin
Ps) im a libra. (Duh) :p
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Something is bothering him and is unbalancing his world. We deal with problems on a personal level, by are selves. Sorry, it's just the way we do things. It might not be you at all. You notice it because you expect the comfort. Cap change routines on purpose when out of the comfort zone to see if the status changes an outcome.
Until he fixes or re balances himself he will get worst. Caps distance themselves from people that don't understand them or their needs. He has given you the key, its up to you on what you want and were your faith lies. Ask for help and ask for clues. He will tell you.
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Leave! While you aren't so all caught up, it'll be way easier now than further on down the track. You definitely want and need more and to try and create that you will continually be doing just that...trying and feeling rejection. For some reason he is "not that into you" he wants to be but it's more that...he wants to be but it's not there and at this stage he will be trying to convince himself that he can feel more. Eventually he will walk...and you will be left devastated. Don't settle for any man that leaves you out in the cold so early on in your relationship!
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I really appreciate the advice guys. I love this website bevause you all give meaningful and insightful advice. Well I was thinking, trying to understand more of his nature for needing space. I have a 2 yr old daughter, and my ex was bothering me trying to get back with me, it upset him and I talked to my ex and told him I was seeing somebody. I let him know that and things were better, but last time we hung out if I got a text he'd ask if that was him, and then he brought up again how he told me so that he wanted me back. So maybe it has to do with that. I feel there's only a few things I can do here. IF its that...i can ask him about it and say since he's been distant is that of anything on his mind? We did have a talk that we weren't seeing anyone else. I don't want him to think I see the space and distance and don't care. OR. Regardless, just give him his space and let him pretend I don't exist til he's ready to come around and be the guy I know. So its either my ex, he needs space, not that into me...or he found someone else (his ex). They picked up dating again from years ago briefly in December and he's mentioned her multiple times. Sometimes I get the feeling he's caught up and that's why he's not affectionate to me. But I tried to not let my insecurity show and I push that out of my head I'm not sure if I still should do that.
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Posted by M
I agree with Metoo. It doesn't seem like something you should throw in the personal or negative pile just yet. Your average Cap isn't touchy feely, that's why many are so taken aback when they finally see the other side to it.
He's comfortable enough having you in his circles and going slow. If you're really certain he's deceptive about why he doesn't want to talk, well it's still not the hallmark Cap disappering act. He'd be gone...unreachable leaving things suspended until he surfaces like a whale :p


+1
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Well, I read that relationships are like rubber bands. When a man pulls away, it stretches the rubber band. So a woman should lean back a little too. In other words, don't go chasing him, because that puts slack in the rubber band, so lean back and put more tension in the band. Once the man has had time to miss the woman, think things over, then the rubber band pulls them back in. Sometimes, however, things aren't right for one party and the band breaks and the man doesn't come back or the woman decides she doesn't want him back.
So pull back some and don't chase. Give him room and when he comes back on his own accord, both you and he will know he wants you and your relationship will be more solid.
If I misunderstood the question, just disregard what I said, but file it away for a later date.
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Posted by beelibra
I really appreciate the advice guys. I love this website bevause you all give meaningful and insightful advice. Well I was thinking, trying to understand more of his nature for needing space. I have a 2 yr old daughter, and my ex was bothering me trying to get back with me, it upset him and I talked to my ex and told him I was seeing somebody. I let him know that and things were better, but last time we hung out if I got a text he'd ask if that was him, and then he brought up again how he told me so that he wanted me back. So maybe it has to do with that. I feel there's only a few things I can do here. IF its that...i can ask him about it and say since he's been distant is that of anything on his mind? We did have a talk that we weren't seeing anyone else. I don't want him to think I see the space and distance and don't care. OR. Regardless, just give him his space and let him pretend I don't exist til he's ready to come around and be the guy I know. So its either my ex, he needs space, not that into me...or he found someone else (his ex). They picked up dating again from years ago briefly in December and he's mentioned her multiple times. Sometimes I get the feeling he's caught up and that's why he's not affectionate to me. But I tried to not let my insecurity show and I push that out of my head I'm not sure if I still should do that.


I think he's giving you space to figure out what you want and what you need. Especially if a child is involved. He wants to give you room to make the best decision for you and your child. That's what we would want, so he's giving that to you. If that is the case, then he thinks he is being very considerate. He's also not sure what you're going to decide, so he could be protecting himself a little. When I am insecure or unsure of someone else, I tend to withdraw.
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88 has a good point. Do what makes YOU happy! Don't settle and don't put up with stuff that you don't like. You have the power to walk away if you wish. Don't ever forget that!!!
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Yeah you guys are totally right. About the rubberband theory Truecap, all I can really do is stand back and see what happens. Really, that's all I can do in this whole situation in general. Oh yeah 88, what he said about his ex was multiple things. For example, shes been in a few of his stories. One time we were talking about love or something that led up to this, but he was talking about the pain hed feel from his ex, how his heart would just ache and he'd get knots in his stomach...not even just when she did something wrong. Its like oh cool...your explaining how much you love-"d" her. He does seem to have a hatred for her, but his stories don't add up. He claims he doesn't talk to her but she'll still wish him happy bday. Which was only in January! Agh, I cant win here can I? I feel like if I don't try to fight in some sort of aspect I'll lose out. But in reality, I will probably have the same outcome. Hes been talking to me dramatically less the last couple days. like 7-10 texts throughout the day. Usually he says good morning but he hasn't and today I haven't gotten a text so far. It is what it is? -___- I guess I had high hopes, which I REALLY need to learn not to do. I said to myself I AM DONE DATING. And if I do meet someone its going to be spontaneous and feel different. Then I met him and it was exactly that. So I guess that made me feel like I could be more vulnerable..."it was just right". Well, I guess I was wrong!
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Don't know what else to say except that when you are posting consistently about a man you have only known for a few months something is amiss. To me it doesn't sound like Cap has had to work all that hard to get what he wants and needs from you but that you are constantly jumping through hoops trying to figure out what you should or shouldn't do to keep him invested and moving in the right direction. Just a little too much work coming right out the gate along with the OP being hard pressed to have patience and seemingly unable to just sit back and enjoy the ride without constant reassurance from Cap that she's the "one" and they are heading in the right direction. If you haven't talked with Cap and it has been made clear that you all are exclusively together and that you are his girlfriend (does he refer to you as such to his friends and family)then right there is an issue because then there is no definition or boundaries of where you stand in his life. JMO
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The only thing thats leaving me tied up and confused, is I know he has trust issues and wants me to prove to him that Im loyal and that I care. Hes had people in his life not care enough, and hes openened up a lot to me about his family issues and his feelings with this. So I worry because I think, well what if something is going on, or hes hurt or upset and Im just sitting back with my shoulder turned because Im pissed off thinking its something else? Whether it be his family issues, or my ex on his mind, I feel like I should be giving him my reassurance. If not he'll probably think I just never cared this whole time and Im just another person who doesnt give a crap. Thats why its been on my mind to just text him and be like, "hey, whats going on with you? just want to be sure everything is okay since you've been distant. and if theres anything on your mind on my part I'd hope you'd let me know." I almost wanna add in and not leave me guessing but i do NOT want to sound different. I just want to let him know I care, whats going on, and if its me let me know! Because I dont like wasting my damn time! lol. without the excitement lol what do u guys think?
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*desperate not different. lol
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Posted by WoundedLeo
Seeing how everyone seems to say that Caps are private and conservative by nature, it seems to me that he wouldn't be so comfortable introducing you to his mom and dad "the morning after" if he didn't think of you as pretty special.
I think you should pay close attention to some of the male perspective given on this thread from people from SureShot and M. Caps males don't wear their emotions on their sleeves, and they're quite the example the "men are from mars" type guys who go into their caves to sort things out rather than sharing their problems/concerns/emotions with others.
Then again, if you can't handle this and feel that you can't get used to this behavior in the long run, then you have to consider moving on because his nature will never change.



Great advice...
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He's still texting you 7-10 times a day? Uhhmmm...I don't see a problem. Thats really a lot for a cap!! I don't have that much to say and really, any more than that would get on my nerves to be honest.
If it has been 7-10 DAYS, then yeah, he's pulling back.
I think you're reading into things and need to calm yourself.
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He is jealous and becoming insecure. You must reinforce the idea to him that this relationship will be worth valuable in the future. This is what we truly look for in relationships. Believe me when we catch feelings and things don't go as planned, the best thing to do is retreat. We will never show it. But the words we say are said for reasons. Try to read inbetween the lines. It saves us from pain and suffering from a bad investment. A safety plan just in case...
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Posted by beelibra
The only thing thats leaving me tied up and confused, is I know he has trust issues and wants me to prove to him that Im loyal and that I care. Hes had people in his life not care enough, and hes openened up a lot to me about his family issues and his feelings with this. So I worry because I think, well what if something is going on, or hes hurt or upset and Im just sitting back with my shoulder turned because Im pissed off thinking its something else? Whether it be his family issues, or my ex on his mind, I feel like I should be giving him my reassurance. If not he'll probably think I just never cared this whole time and Im just another person who doesnt give a crap. Thats why its been on my mind to just text him and be like, "hey, whats going on with you? just want to be sure everything is okay since you've been distant. and if theres anything on your mind on my part I'd hope you'd let me know." I almost wanna add in and not leave me guessing but i do NOT want to sound different. I just want to let him know I care, whats going on, and if its me let me know! Because I dont like wasting my damn time! lol. without the excitement lol what do u guys think?


This was me and my Cap before I got a clue. How many times has a woman jumped in to "save" a man from all the bad things and people in his life and be that all encompassing support network for him only to have him be fixed/transformed and off to someone else who benefits from all of your shoulder crying on time? This may not be the case with you but you have known this man only a few months and you are already making yourself the unofficial gatekeeper of his emotional pain, issues, happiness or lack thereof. It is fine to show your suppport and to be a good listener and friend. It is when it consumes you away from what you need to be doing in your life to secure your peace of mind and happiness aside from whatever it is you are expecting from him that it becomes sketchy. Why should his issues be the accepted excuse for not treating you the way you want to be treated? You didn't hurt him so why are you not getting all of what you deserve like he apparently is from you?
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"You CANNOT tell a welder to go cut wood! He has to be taught!!!" If you are not willing to help him and grow with him, let him go.....
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Posted by Pidelight
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Thanks guys a lot of your advice was very support and uplifting and I needed that. Some of yours didn't need to be so critical and harsh, Im obviously on here because I don't know what to do and am confused. I don't need to be bashed for it. He did have a lot of crap going on apparently, and that explains PART of why hes been distant. Still gonna do me and let the rest unravel. I do read into things WAY too much, and create potential problems that don't exist. I know this. I just need to prioritize and figure out how to do it.
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OP, I dunno. When mine pulls away, I break up with his @ss. He ignores it. LOL cuz it hysterical, but not in a humorous way, but drive me crazy way. Like really's?, and wtf's? all the time. Fascinating, says my virgo/vulcan parts
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Posted by KariAlexia
I'm a cap.. I'm aloof/distant when things are bothering me. I don't like to burden people with my problems so I pull away.. I think maybe that's how your cap is too.. Also if he wasn't serious about you, you wouldn't have met his parents.


+1
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Posted by WoundedLeo
LOL R24.


Yeah, it is the most weirdest relationship I've had ever. We are definitely in a temporal disconnect. I think I am in the "now" but that cap patience, processing, thinking, and whatever else they are doing, pisses me off because it is so slo-mo (I know, I have the patience of the vilest sinner, or the patience of "id" if you want to psychanalyze). I don't have to think about feelings unless I'm trying to fight them, I just feel it and go with it. I think most caps do fight them, and I feel like saying fuck off then, lol
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Oh and the cap told me I was crazy but a genuine person. Whatever the fuck that means...
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Posted by WoundedLeo
Posted by AreTwoFour
Oh and the cap told me I was crazy but a genuine person. Whatever the fuck that means...


It means you're genuinely crazy...as in "you are really crazy" LOL. J/K!!! HA HA HA! You know I love ya R24, but I just couldn't let you get away with that one!
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No doubt,but sanity is not something you can fake, lol
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Posted by 88
Posted by AreTwoFour
Oh and the cap told me I was crazy but a genuine person. Whatever the fuck that means...



lol, I did the same but you are more patient than I am.
I sometimes wondered why we went back together so many times. He must have liked me a lot like I did.
But he was feisty as hell and very inflexible Sag/Cap cusp guy.
It was too difficult for me, but I do accept I messed up many times and so did he. Didn't work out and life goes on you know.
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Did he do the ignore thing when you broke up? That is the only reason I am with this cap. Or he thinks I am, cuz I am not "with" him like I was. It is different in my mind now. I WAS devoted and dedicated. After going thru the pain of being put on a shelf a few times, he is just something to do until I find something else to do. Timing matters to me. And not being ignored, cuz I do not readily forget that. Nor forgive after I have explained that it hurts. Explanation was given a few times. And it happened a few more times afterward. Now my 'loyalty' will not be wasted on some shit like this
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Posted by AreTwoFour
Posted by 88
Posted by AreTwoFour
Oh and the cap told me I was crazy but a genuine person. Whatever the fuck that means...



lol, I did the same but you are more patient than I am.
I sometimes wondered why we went back together so many times. He must have liked me a lot like I did.
But he was feisty as hell and very inflexible Sag/Cap cusp guy.
It was too difficult for me, but I do accept I messed up many times and so did he. Didn't work out and life goes on you know.


Did he do the ignore thing when you broke up? That is the only reason I am with this cap. Or he thinks I am, cuz I am not "with" him like I was. It is different in my mind now. I WAS devoted and dedicated. After going thru the pain of being put on a shelf a few times, he is just something to do until I find something else to do. Timing matters to me. And not being ignored, cuz I do not readily forget that. Nor forgive after I have explained that it hurts. Explanation was given a few times. And it happened a few more times afterward. Now my 'loyalty' will not be wasted on some shit like this
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When I said "ignore thing" I meant ignore the breakup. Cuz this cap will ignore off and on, and ignore breakup attempts. Smooth it over (damn he's good at that) then keep on like it didn't happen. I think cap men sometimes think supper is on the table when its not...
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Posted by 88

yeah, he said a bunch of nice things and kept me on the phone all night one time when we were about to meet. He was a COP, and was working, then something came up at work and couldn't make to our date. But kept me on the phone asking me to wait for him that he was trying to hurry up and get to me.
Then kept texting me, and telling me that if he couldn't make it that night, we would go out to breakfast or dinner the next day. I got tired of waiting and I went to bed, then when he was out like 11PM. He got upset because I didn't wait for him.. lol
The next day I didn't hear from him, and he ignored my texts. I told him F'uu'ckk you, never say you want to see me again in your entire life. lose my number and get lost. NO response.
and I was hurt, I did cry the whole night and a few days after that.
a few months went by and we saw each other again, he was happy to see me. but it was like starting over every time, I felt it wasn't going anywhere, and I couldn't trust his words anymore.
It ended.
I like men who keep their word like I do.


Yeah, I've lost trust. The little things erode that like "I'll call you tomorrow" does not mean 3-4 days. Saturn time or not. This is earth. 24hr/day
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Posted by 88
Posted by WoundedLeo
Posted by beelibra
Some of yours didn't need to be so critical and harsh, Im obviously on here because I don't know what to do and am confused. I don't need to be bashed for it.


Welcome to the wonderful world of dxp! Some people love to punch you in the stomach when you're already down. It sucks, I agree with you! Just focus on the people who are giving you good solid advice and screw the others. You've gotten plenty of really good feedback.
You're doing a great job by verbalizing your concerns and trying to understand the very different way that Caps function and perceive things. Keep on truckin'!



And I don't mean to be mean to anyone, but let me say I have noticed many women ONLY add what the CAP male is doing and they leave out what they do. then we say, "leave him he is a jerk"
then they add a little more like we text " 7-10 texts a day ", and he is ignoring me, I feel he doesn't want to talk to me" then we are like WTF!! are you serious, now we know where the problem is coming.
come on, it is common sense people will get annoyed if they get annoying random texts, like if there was nothing else to do then be on the F'N phone all day texting.

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+1 I see that a lot on here. As a woman I usually will be on the side of...yep...the woman. LOL But there are some women who don't want to see, hear or face what is right in front of them. They just want to keep asking the same question in different ways over and over again in order to finally have someone on here give them the "easy" answer to solve a problem that the answer to is right in front of their faces. There are no magic words from anyone here that is going to make someone else's relationship work out. Nothing is forever and being in a relationship takes work, compromise and sometimes sacrafice but it isn't always about the man and what he is or isn't doing. I had to take a long hard look at what I did in my relationship with my Cap when things weren't going well and later ended. It was easy to say he did this or that and he did, but I had some butter I needed to address and clean up and not put on him as being responsible for. Sometimes stuff happens and no matter how deep the feelings or
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But OP, I think this cap really likes you. Maybe affection is just not natural to him. My wasn't, but I am, and I know he was a bit weirded out by it at first. Now he is very affectionate (when I do see him). But that took a while. caps can learn the affection thing, I think they like it, but its awkward to them at first.
But he's not really ignoring you. He's let you in his inner circle. He will probably get as touchy-feely as you'd like in time, as long as you don't stop being naturally affectionate just because he isn't.
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On the whole texting part, if that's how he was and it was normal for him to just send me a few texts, then I clearly wouldn't be questioning 7-10 text messages? He texts me from morning to night, if he takes too long and WITHOUT me saying anything, he apologizes and wants to text me back to back. So going from a buttload of texts to a major cutback IS concerning. I talked to him, and he got kind of depressed and said his life was pretty shitty right now, and told me about some issues and things that were going on. He seemed pretty much normal since we talked about that and I figure that's ONE of the major reasons he cut back on communication.
I had surgery yesterday, and he drove up to my house to hang out with me a bit and brought me a rose. smile He did leave upset, I was showing him a picture on my phone, and I backed out to where youre viewing the different albums and you can see the thumbnails to each one...Well he saw a picture of a guy (it was him, a pic he sent me that day LOL) and when he left I got that lonely feeling again because I could tell something was wrong. He kissed me and was all smiley, said goodbye to my sister and then texted me asking who that guy was...bingo! So I took a picture of the screenshot from that and sent it to him and that problem was over, he was happy. Obviously he likes me if hes very questionable to things like this. I told him im not talking to anyone. Doesn't seem like its imprinting in his head. haha. He met my sister too, first time him meeting some family of mine, and they got along well. I still feel I should distance myself emotionally. I like to be either completely invested or I slowly lose feelings...
Thanks WonderLeo for the sweet words. Couldn't have said it better and I appreciate it!
R24 youre right, that is exactly how he is and honestly I can see things getting to a point where hes more affectionate to me. I went on with seeing someone who requires patience and opening up and I have to stick with it. I think as long as Im myself things will fall into place. I just need to learn to not create problems that don't exist, psych myself out and over analyze as much lol. Ohhh lord, the problems...bahhaa.
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Posted by LIBRA1234
@beelibra - You have a good thing there and u question it every time he doesn't show you affection you expect him to show. The only reason why I said that your relationship seems off is because of the things you say here. You posted few similar posts where you sounded like you are really unhappy. My common sense would tell me, ok if you are not happy move on, but it seems like you just need to vent. He sounds solid and nice and I don't see the problem why can't you just go with the flow, enjoy him the way he is and not look for reasons to be unhappy.



No you are definitely right, and I did need to vent. Being able to put out here how I was feeling and your different out looks helped me out a ton, and thank you to all of ya! That's what I was trying to explain, is I just need to not over analyze, take it slow and be happy. Your insight from all of you really helped, thanks again guys! smile)
I was in a 4 year relationship that was pretty much shit, (this is the father of my daughter) and since we broke up I feel like I don't know how to date. Im all out of wack, and question every aspect of what I do and say. This was NEVER a problem before. I was able to determine what a guy was like, figure out what I want, and do something about it. Now Im just so confused and contemplate everything. So taking it slow is a good thing with him, because I myself need fixing, and I need to learn how to open up and just be TRULY me and just enjoy the moment.
I kind of feel like were going at this pace, to where we will an unspoken of couple. No talk, its just gonna happen. I partly think that because of my daughter and I don't want that. I feel like she may be a reason hes holding back. He probably doesn't know if I expect him to play a role, get her things, this and that. Truth is, Id rather become official with him, and then 6 months down the road when things are well then have him meet her. He probably would want to hear this because it probably confuses him. But not yet, I don't want to jump the gun. Dating with kids is a touchy topic and VERY hard to determine what and when is the right thing to do or say.
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Thank you 88, it was incredibly sweet!! Totally topped off my night! smile
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Leave them alone..they will come around soon enough, but dont like to be pressed or pressured.
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champranger3/29/2013 12:39:13 PM Quote | IP
Posted by truecap
He's still texting you 7-10 times a day? Uhhmmm...I don't see a problem. Thats really a lot for a cap!! I don't have that much to say and really, any more than that would get on my nerves to be honest.
If it has been 7-10 DAYS, then yeah, he's pulling back.
I think you're reading into things and need to calm yourself.

+1
With one Cap, it had been that I would be VERY LUCKY if I get a response back ONCE A WEEK.
Lucky LOL. *envy*
My cap would text me everyday no miss, but still, I am not comfortable by his sometimes being cold and distant. But he would make am effort to see me 3 times a month due to a busy schedule. But we are not in a relationship still because he never told me if lover me, and I always unkn him I do love him. Lols.
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champranger3/29/2013 12:39:13 PM Quote | IP
Posted by truecap
He's still texting you 7-10 times a day? Uhhmmm...I don't see a problem. Thats really a lot for a cap!! I don't have that much to say and really, any more than that would get on my nerves to be honest.
If it has been 7-10 DAYS, then yeah, he's pulling back.
I think you're reading into things and need to calm yourself.

+1
With one Cap, it had been that I would be VERY LUCKY if I get a response back ONCE A WEEK.
Lucky LOL. *envy*
My cap would text me everyday no miss, but still, I am not comfortable by his sometimes being cold and distant. But he would make an effort to see me 3 times a month due to a busy schedule. But we are not in a relationship still because he never told me he loves me, and I always tell him I do love him. Lols.
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Haha thanks I am new here and using my phone. Thanks anyways
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