Gemini opinions on tonight's happenings

A friend of my husband is coming through town tonight and wants to stay with us. My husband, our housemate, and I are all very social people who let lots of people stay over. We are still friends with anyone we've ever been friends with, including exes, and including people who have offended us in the past, but who have redeemed themselves. For the first time, though, I want to barr someone from my home.

This Aries woman is my husband's childhood friend, as well as former roommate and former occasional bed buddy. I dislike her for the following reasons:

I think she's self-centered, fake, and uses the "I'm nice and sweet" routine to get away with things.

She has psychological issues that make her need sexual approval from every man she encounters, which makes her a notorious slut. She flirts with my husband if she's had drinks. She's not trying to bed him, just feel desirable. I haven't seen this in person, or she would have been yanked off the bar stool by her hair.

At our backyard wedding, she got snarky because she didn't get to use the bathroom that was only for family. She let her dog roaming our unfenced yard while she went to town. She brought a lover as her "plus 1", then invited another lover to come. Then, she made out with one of my exes, and screwed another one in the back yard. Guess our wedding was all about HER.

We sold her a car, which she drove cross-country to Boulder. When I asked for the tags to be mailed back, she said they had been lost in the move. No biggie. Several months later, I was summoned to appear in a Boulder court- for several unpaid parking tickets! Beotch had been accumulating tickets in my name! When I confronted her (angrily, as you might guess), she wrote a very long letter composed of mostly 4-letter words and let me know that she would be resolving the situation ONLY out of respect for my husband, not for me.

I can't even believe I'm questioning my decision to keep her out of my house, but my freakin' Gem split personality comes into play and I wonder if I need to practice compassion. It's been quite a while since I've seen her, and I know from personal experience that people can learn and grow and change, because I know I can.

Should I take the high road or strike a beotch down?

No this girl is a straight up cookiemonster. Keep her out of the house. I don't even know why you have her so involved in your personal life. I mean does anyone see this. His former bed buddy? Hell to the no. Do not invite her and remove her from your life. Why are you helping her too? What is she 12?

I expect to hear exactly what I'm hearing. I'm always the person who forgives and tries to help people move on from their horribleness. That's why I'm second-guessing myself and want to know what other people would do. You are right, Xin, she's not 12 and I'm not a psychotherapist. Why the hell do I always feel guilty for not being the fixer of everyone's problems?

Posted by Whimsy
I expect to hear exactly what I'm hearing. I'm always the person who forgives and tries to help people move on from their horribleness. That's why I'm second-guessing myself and want to know what other people would do. You are right, Xin, she's not 12 and I'm not a psychotherapist. Why the hell do I always feel guilty for not being the fixer of everyone's problems?

Seems like a personal issue with guilt trips, but it is NOT your job to do that. People will only help themselves when THEY want to, that is also the case for change. Remember it is NOT your job to help someone out. Shes a grown woman. She is not part of your family or your child. I would cut her out and tell your husband this is the way it is. Seriously this one is a cookiemonster. Get rid of her.

Oh yeah...and the reason she's been a bit of a constant presence (until recently) is that my husband's family and her family are all friends. She's more than a random person. That's why it feels less than straight-up obvious how to deal with her. Even though it should STILL be straight-up obvious, I guess.

So why does it matter if her family is friends with your family? You can create boundaries which there seems to be none by what you're telling us. This is your marriage, your family, your life. Create healthy boundaries. Cause this woman is going to take way more than an inch.

Oops...I wrote that last thing before I saw your post. Yeah, you're right...about everything.

1. this lady is obviously very insecure, has low self esteem, and is a leech. with that said, you can not fix any or all of her issues. only she can own them and take steps to get help, period.

2. i don't care if she's a childhood friend of your husband....ban her from your lives, period. i had several child hood friends who for whatever reason, turned into bad apples. there is nothing to be gained by including them in my family life at this time or ever. with all that this woman has done to you and your family, your husband should be able to see her negative intentions/and effect on you and your family. it's time to cut bait, period. you are his wife, not her. you have real, substantive concerns and she has a track record. If I were you, I'd have a heart to heart talk with your hubby and set the record straight and establish a game plan that both of you agree to.

3. I'm like you in that i always bend over backwards to help friends/family, and usually, i get taken advantage of. however, after ONE time, i accept my losses and move on. you have been betrayed in so many ways and circumstances, you do NOT bear any burden to help this woman. she is not a child. she has made her bed, over and over and over again, and she has to sleep in it. period. the ONLY people who can change are the ones who admit they have a problem and commit to a life changing resolution. You can continue to help people out of compassion. I do this and there is nothing wrong with it. but when someone is taking advantage of you and your kindness, then it's time to stop, other wise you are becoming an enabler and only making the situation worse; which could potentially undermine your marriage btw.

4. Never feel guilty for saying "NO" when you truly know in your heart and soul that it is the ONLY logical and reasonable choice. When it gets this personal, you owe it to yourself and your husband to protect what you two have, end of story.

5. Bottom line: Take your losses, work out your frustrations (at the gym or whatever you do to relieve stress) and cut off all contact with this woman, period.

Good advice, gemini64. I think I'm too lenient with people because I'm thankful that people have forgiven me for all the crappy things I've done in my own life. The difference, I guess, is that I'm truly remorseful and embarrassed about those crappy things, and have moved on to better things, whereas I sense none of this from her. Cutting her off will be great for me...but it might also be a great learning lesson for her, too.

Whimsey ... you can ban her, you can scream at her, you can take whatever frustration you have out on her until the cows come home .. but, your issue will still remain in tact because you are ignoring it, and in this ignorance, you are putting sole responsibility on her to be at fault.


There is only one issue here and it's not her.

A husband and/or wife is SUPPOSE to protect each other, stand by each other, support each other ...


.. this is your husband's friend, and it is his responsibility TO YOU to recognize your problem with her presence in the home and deal with it, appropriately, keeping you in position of first priority.


If you have to take action ... then he's slacking in his duty in honoring you.


That ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ is your only issue with this situation.

I totally agree, P. I did speak to my husband after this post helped me work out my feelings. Since it's my natural inclination to forgive and forget, he didn't realize the depths of my feelings about this girl (she hasn't come around in about 3 years). I had never fully articulated my feelings, beyond letting it be known that I didn't like her company. He also didn't realize that she had never apologized to me for anything she had done in the past (she had apologized to HIM, not to me). He decided to call her today and let her know an apology is expected and that it's not appropriate for her to ask to stay here.

Posted by Whimsy
I totally agree, P. I did speak to my husband after this post helped me work out my feelings. Since it's my natural inclination to forgive and forget, he didn't realize the depths of my feelings about this girl (she hasn't come around in about 3 years). I had never fully articulated my feelings, beyond letting it be known that I didn't like her company. He also didn't realize that she had never apologized to me for anything she had done in the past (she had apologized to HIM, not to me). He decided to call her today and let her know an apology is expected and that it's not appropriate for her to ask to stay here.

damn straight son

Posted by Whimsy
I totally agree, P. I did speak to my husband after this post helped me work out my feelings. Since it's my natural inclination to forgive and forget, he didn't realize the depths of my feelings about this girl (she hasn't come around in about 3 years). I had never fully articulated my feelings, beyond letting it be known that I didn't like her company. He also didn't realize that she had never apologized to me for anything she had done in the past (she had apologized to HIM, not to me). He decided to call her today and let her know an apology is expected and that it's not appropriate for her to ask to stay here.

I knew something was amiss when you posted this ... it's not like you to be hateful, you're too kind for that .. so, this thread threw me for a loop.

You've talked highly of your man ... I knew something didn't set right .. why would he let you sink to such a low?

Because he didn't quite know the extent of her deceptions and how deeply you felt about it. I'm glad you spoke with him about it.

Kudos to you for finding a real man, and knowing one when you found him 🙂

Posted by Whimsy
I totally agree, P. I did speak to my husband after this post helped me work out my feelings. Since it's my natural inclination to forgive and forget, he didn't realize the depths of my feelings about this girl (she hasn't come around in about 3 years). I had never fully articulated my feelings, beyond letting it be known that I didn't like her company. He also didn't realize that she had never apologized to me for anything she had done in the past (she had apologized to HIM, not to me). He decided to call her today and let her know an apology is expected and that it's not appropriate for her to ask to stay here.

I like your mans style lol. I'm sure she can find a nice hotel.

Any update on what this bitch said back to him? Id love to know if she threw a tantrum. And im so glad he did that for you! Thats what REAL men do for their ladies!

Well, the update's not dramatic. She agreed with him that an apology to me was long overdue and she found a friend to stay with. I don't hear the phone ringing, though, so we'll see if what she said was sincere. My vote is "no".