Analize this
This topic was created in the Leo forum by banini on Tuesday, March 20, 2007 and has 26 replies.
I saw that Libra that I used to like (yay! used to!) today, and seeing her hurt my feelings, so I wrote this, and I want people to analize it to see how I'm doing.
Dear whoever,
Over the course of the past year and a half, I've come to realize that if I ever had any real idea of who I was, I pretty much forgot all of it. I realize now that I came to a point where I was completely lost, and I didn't even realize that was the issue, or maybe that there even was one. So your lost puppy reference was pretty much like, it.
Before I get any further, let me explain why I'm writing this. My insecurity somehow demands that I express the pain I occasionally feel to people who were involved in the production of that pain.
So I was lost. The only thing I knew, was that I still wanted to pursue comedy and music, and that pretty much all my friends were going off and doing other things that I didn't want to do. I kept pursuing comedy, but something hurt somewhere, and I thought maybe it was just because I didn't have very many friends that I liked anymore, and now I was going to have to make new ones. Well, then for some reason I started hanging out with (ex taurus guy friend) again. Had I realized what I was getting myself into, I wouldn't have, but I would never have realized that if I hadn't, so I'm glad I did. Granted I didn't get completely lost, because I continued to do my own thing with comedy and what not, but I still found myself following (ex taurus guy friend) around a lot, which led to getting into a lot of bad situations. He's an alcoholic, and a (f word)ing idiot, not a friend.
I'm hoping that my realization of this is evidence that I've learned more about myself and have a lot more respect for myself than I did, and that I'm actually making progress towards finding out who I really am.
Dear whoever,
Over the course of the past year and a half, I've come to realize that if I ever had any real idea of who I was, I pretty much forgot all of it. I realize now that I came to a point where I was completely lost, and I didn't even realize that was the issue, or maybe that there even was one. So your lost puppy reference was pretty much like, it.
Before I get any further, let me explain why I'm writing this. My insecurity somehow demands that I express the pain I occasionally feel to people who were involved in the production of that pain.
So I was lost. The only thing I knew, was that I still wanted to pursue comedy and music, and that pretty much all my friends were going off and doing other things that I didn't want to do. I kept pursuing comedy, but something hurt somewhere, and I thought maybe it was just because I didn't have very many friends that I liked anymore, and now I was going to have to make new ones. Well, then for some reason I started hanging out with (ex taurus guy friend) again. Had I realized what I was getting myself into, I wouldn't have, but I would never have realized that if I hadn't, so I'm glad I did. Granted I didn't get completely lost, because I continued to do my own thing with comedy and what not, but I still found myself following (ex taurus guy friend) around a lot, which led to getting into a lot of bad situations. He's an alcoholic, and a (f word)ing idiot, not a friend.
I'm hoping that my realization of this is evidence that I've learned more about myself and have a lot more respect for myself than I did, and that I'm actually making progress towards finding out who I really am.
Hindsight is cool everyone loves hindsight. It lets me see that I don't even have anything in common with (ex taurus guy friend), or with you, other person, other person 2, or other person 3 or any of your other friends. So I never really felt like I had a place where I fit in, and it didn't really seem like anyone except for (ex taurus guy friend) wanted to make one. But he couldn't, because I didn't know who I was anymore really, so how could he have known that no matter how hard either of us tried, there just wasn't a place for me in your circle. And maybe you all did try to make room for me, but it still wasn't where I wanted to be, and it never would have been. You guys work, drink, (f word), listen to indie rock, smoke, and watch TV. Those are the things you aspire to, and those are the things you talk about. I work, very rarely drink, write jokes, write music, draw, and otherwise entertain myself, so I don't really have anything to lend to your conversations, and you're incapable of having a conversation about anything that I would really find interesting. The only things I ever really liked about you were as follows. The way you look. The way you use words and put sentences together. The sound of your voice. Your charm. And most of all I liked all the stupid discussions we had. And thats it. I hate the way you treat other people, no matter who they are. I don't think you treat people badly on purpose. I think you try very hard to treat people more fairly than they treat themselves, which I suppose in a way you do, but I still don't like it, and somehow it makes everything about you, even the things I liked, hurt my feelings. So then I can't like anything about you anymore. I saw you today, and it hurt, which led to me writing this.
Banini
You and me tend to cycle through this together. lol! I was back in my hometown this weekend, a hometown shared by the Leo, so I thought about him this weekend. I actually believe he was visiting his sister this weekend. I really think he was there. Just a strong hunch. (and I am usually right about this stuff.) AND there is also a chance that I will see him this week so he has been on my mind. And here you are .... writing about your Libra.
BTW THIS freaked me out: * The way you look. The way you use words and put sentences together. The sound of your voice. Your charm. And most of all I liked all the stupid discussions we had.
I actually told him I had a thing for his very sexy sentence structure. lol! He uses similar intonations to me which I find very, very attractive.
The thing is I think you (and to some extent myself as well) are embarrassed by the whole thing with this girl and that group of people. You put yourself out there and were rejected. You kind of feel foolish. Oddly, my Leo works with the number one group of people I want to work with and because I am embarrassed by this situation, I am having a hardtime scheming my way in.
Also, oddly, I am pretty certain he thinks I drink too much. I don't. I just have a VERY severe wine allergy which I didn't know about until January. I did leave a message explaining that to him but I am pretty sure he doesn't believe me, even though it can be confirmed by anyone who knows me. (White wine makes me crazy and black out. EVEN if I only drink a glass of it. 1/2 a glass if I drink anything else. I digress.)
The thing is, you and me kiddo, we can't fix the past. I can't fix what happened between me and the Leo. You can't fix what happened between you and the Libra. Both of us can only fix it going forward.
In other words, no more justifying ourselves. Just act with dignity and respect and hope for the best.
I was going to forego an industry event this week because he might be there. He is WAY more established than I am. I am just beginning, BUT after some tough love, I decided I can't let this stop me from moving forward in my life. I signed up for a workshop, am going to a couple of films, and the closing party with a friend. All of which I am VERY excited about. Once I got over my fear, I decided the chances of running into him are very small. And if I do run into him and he treats me poorly, it is really more a reflection on who he is than on me. there is NO WAY, I am go
There is no way I am going over to him or searching him out. I doubt I would even be able to look at him or smile at him, if I did see him.
I am making my own friends in the industry, who are GREAT people. And there are people who are interested in me and what I am doing. He is going to find out about it eventually, so I might as well do what I want and hope for the best and not let my fear of his judgment govern me. If he chooses to think this is about him, which it is not, then it speaks volumes regarding his conceit.
I sincerly wish things had played out differently. I feel very misunderstood and misjudged by him but there is nothing I can do but just live my life honestly. Maybe one day he will realize he was wrong.
And Banini, that really is the only thing you can do too.
I am making my own friends in the industry, who are GREAT people. And there are people who are interested in me and what I am doing. He is going to find out about it eventually, so I might as well do what I want and hope for the best and not let my fear of his judgment govern me. If he chooses to think this is about him, which it is not, then it speaks volumes regarding his conceit.
I sincerly wish things had played out differently. I feel very misunderstood and misjudged by him but there is nothing I can do but just live my life honestly. Maybe one day he will realize he was wrong.
And Banini, that really is the only thing you can do too.
It appears to me that people for the most part, hate in others, what they don't like in themselves, however, because of our egos (which we all have to some extend), we tend to find justification that leaves us feeling better about ourselves, without really gaining any real growth. Here's examples of what I mean:
"My insecurity somehow demands that I express the pain I occasionally feel to people who were involved in the production of that pain."
"I hate the way you treat other people, no matter who they are. I don't think you treat people badly on purpose. I think you try very hard to treat people more fairly than they treat themselves"
These two appear to be one in the same .. you hate what she does to other people, yet, feel compelled to express this hatred yourself .. same kind of treatment.
-----------------------------------------------------------
"so I don't really have anything to lend to your conversations, and you're incapable of having a conversation about anything that I would really find interesting."
"The only things I ever really liked about you were as follows .. And most of all I liked all the stupid discussions we had. And thats it."
These two are complete contridictions .. one side says you have nothing to add to conversations because they don't interest you, the other says that what you mostly liked about her were the discussions you had together .. though, by throwing the word "stupid" in there and adding the "that's it" at the end is your way of trying to justify to yourself as to "why" you hate something you actually enjoyed, in reality.
__________________________________
Please don't what I'm saying as though I am being too overly critical of any fault on your part, rather, pointing out that love/hate of ourselves, actually mirrors onto our perspective of the other person, according to our own emotions at the time .. relativity. For example: if this relationship HAD indeed worked out, all the things you said above, you would be praising her for, rather than saying you have angst for them.
So, the point is .. everything you've stated above is a disappointment in yourself, rather than anything she actually did.
However, self-awareness and soul-searching is KEY to personal growth (if that is even possible, for we as human habitually follow the etched path we've laid). And verbalizing it makes it easier to departmentalize, so we can find a more effective way to overcome what it is we don't like.
"My insecurity somehow demands that I express the pain I occasionally feel to people who were involved in the production of that pain."
"I hate the way you treat other people, no matter who they are. I don't think you treat people badly on purpose. I think you try very hard to treat people more fairly than they treat themselves"
These two appear to be one in the same .. you hate what she does to other people, yet, feel compelled to express this hatred yourself .. same kind of treatment.
-----------------------------------------------------------
"so I don't really have anything to lend to your conversations, and you're incapable of having a conversation about anything that I would really find interesting."
"The only things I ever really liked about you were as follows .. And most of all I liked all the stupid discussions we had. And thats it."
These two are complete contridictions .. one side says you have nothing to add to conversations because they don't interest you, the other says that what you mostly liked about her were the discussions you had together .. though, by throwing the word "stupid" in there and adding the "that's it" at the end is your way of trying to justify to yourself as to "why" you hate something you actually enjoyed, in reality.
__________________________________
Please don't what I'm saying as though I am being too overly critical of any fault on your part, rather, pointing out that love/hate of ourselves, actually mirrors onto our perspective of the other person, according to our own emotions at the time .. relativity. For example: if this relationship HAD indeed worked out, all the things you said above, you would be praising her for, rather than saying you have angst for them.
So, the point is .. everything you've stated above is a disappointment in yourself, rather than anything she actually did.
However, self-awareness and soul-searching is KEY to personal growth (if that is even possible, for we as human habitually follow the etched path we've laid). And verbalizing it makes it easier to departmentalize, so we can find a more effective way to overcome what it is we don't like.
The written expression of feelings paves the way to over-coming what is too difficult to deal with .. do you keep a journal? Your letting this out should certainly make the closure easier for you to grasp and understand.
Wish you all the best in finding peace
Wish you all the best in finding peace
Well, but it probably wouldn't have ever worked out is the thing. And the stupid discussions were usually things like, she would make fun of my shoes, and then we would have a discussion about why she was wrong for a few minutes until she wore out and wasn't interested anymore. I would have wanted her to be somebody that she just isn't.
"I would have wanted her to be somebody that she just isn't."
It seems we all do this, over and over again. And we have these high hopes of finding that perfect person to whom they will be the person we want and need .. I'm beginning to think there is no such person, for only ourselves is perfect to us.
"she would make fun of my shoes" .. you know, Banini, there was nothing wrong with your shoes, for if there was, you wouldn't be wearing them. There was some kind of contrary feeling in her, that she reflected off on you, so she wouldn't have to own it herself. If your shoes were hideous, then she wouldn't have to be.
I know how you feel .. it sucks, big time. But, you know, as we all do, life marches forward and the only thing we can really do is look to the horizon for new ventures, and keep hope that there will be somebody along the way who will find enjoyment with us, rather than unhappiness.
In the end, the only thing we really have is our memories .. what will we make of them? Are we frowning, or smiling?
It seems we all do this, over and over again. And we have these high hopes of finding that perfect person to whom they will be the person we want and need .. I'm beginning to think there is no such person, for only ourselves is perfect to us.
"she would make fun of my shoes" .. you know, Banini, there was nothing wrong with your shoes, for if there was, you wouldn't be wearing them. There was some kind of contrary feeling in her, that she reflected off on you, so she wouldn't have to own it herself. If your shoes were hideous, then she wouldn't have to be.
I know how you feel .. it sucks, big time. But, you know, as we all do, life marches forward and the only thing we can really do is look to the horizon for new ventures, and keep hope that there will be somebody along the way who will find enjoyment with us, rather than unhappiness.
In the end, the only thing we really have is our memories .. what will we make of them? Are we frowning, or smiling?
OMG!!!! I use to talk about his shoes but I liked them.
OMG! OMG! OMG!
This just took a turn for the weird.
I'm creeped out.
OMG! OMG! OMG!
This just took a turn for the weird.
I'm creeped out.
lol!
(shifty eyes)
lol!
Are you sure you aren't 34 and don't live in Toronto?
(shifty eyes)
lol!
Are you sure you aren't 34 and don't live in Toronto?
I love personality signature shoes .. you can always tell a man by his shoes .. whether he's original, creative, ordinary, wild, boring ..
Quit sure LS. She also made fun of me for being a virgin, for having a small penis at just over 5.5 inches (no she never saw it), for having hair all over (she did see that), for shopping at Ross Dress For Less, for driving a 1979 Cadillac, for not having a job (I do now, and I was trying to get one then), and for lots of other things, but those are the ones that stick out. We would have similar discussions about them all.
The parallels between me and Banini's stories are very, very odd. Sometimes I wonder if the Leo thinks I hate him, I DO NOT. The parallels are just so very, very weird. But I don't dare call him again. There is only so much bleeding I am willing to do.
OMG Banini! lol!
weird. weird. weird.
HE appologized to me for his job, his apartment, yadda yadda. He didn't have a car, when he did it was an '89 something or other. He is also obsessed with the Vandura.
He went out of his way to change a lot of those things ... then disappeared although I don't think I ever said anything bad about it. Just acted a little cold.
And he wasn't a virgin, wasn't hairy, and he was *shocking*. cough. cough.
* for having a small penis at just over 5.5 inches
Why would you tell her this?
weird. weird. weird.
HE appologized to me for his job, his apartment, yadda yadda. He didn't have a car, when he did it was an '89 something or other. He is also obsessed with the Vandura.
He went out of his way to change a lot of those things ... then disappeared although I don't think I ever said anything bad about it. Just acted a little cold.
And he wasn't a virgin, wasn't hairy, and he was *shocking*. cough. cough.
* for having a small penis at just over 5.5 inches
Why would you tell her this?
**Why would you tell her this?
Well the subject came up somehow, and I felt better about being honest rather than covering it up or saying it wasn't anyone's business. If someone wants to know, I'll tell them. Is that bad?
Well the subject came up somehow, and I felt better about being honest rather than covering it up or saying it wasn't anyone's business. If someone wants to know, I'll tell them. Is that bad?
Ever heard this quote: Sex appeal is 10% of what you have,and 90% of what they think you have.
A little mystery goes a long way.
A little mystery goes a long way.
You could have come up with 30 creative clever flirty ways of handling that question without telling the truth. 
Play more.
Play more.
Well, maybe if people can't find my open honesty sexually appealing, they aren't worth playing with.
Your integrity is quite honerable Banini.
Because I am your pal, I did a bit of research because I was thinking that 5.5 is quite average, not small at all. Apparently, I am correct.
* Academic and scientific studies
A study published in the September 1996 Journal of Urology concluded that average erect length was 12.9 cm (5.08 in)(Measured by staff).[6]
A study published in the December 2000 International Journal of Impotence Research found that average erect penis length was 13.6 cm (5.35 in)(Measured by staff).[7]
Guys tend to lie about their size to other guys.
Because I am your pal, I did a bit of research because I was thinking that 5.5 is quite average, not small at all. Apparently, I am correct.
* Academic and scientific studies
A study published in the September 1996 Journal of Urology concluded that average erect length was 12.9 cm (5.08 in)(Measured by staff).[6]
A study published in the December 2000 International Journal of Impotence Research found that average erect penis length was 13.6 cm (5.35 in)(Measured by staff).[7]
Guys tend to lie about their size to other guys.
I never lie about mine. She however stated that she required at least 6. I can only imagine why... but thats mean.
She probably said that just to tease you. Most women with experience go for girth over length.
Maybe she thought I was talking about girth!
Nobody else thought that was funny? I've written it into a joke.
Thats one thing I always need to remember is no matter how messed up my relationships with other people get, I can always find stuff from it to use for jokes.
bless your heart banini...
Thanks Lady_M.
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