Checking in?

So my Leo guy friend is showing signs of further being a pain in the tree.....I have pulled back from him, and only communicate with him about half the time he texts or calls.

Last Saturday, he asked if I could help him out and take him to the dealership to pick up his new car. He wanted to go to dinner then to the dealership, then get a drink afterwards. Since I had dinner plans, I told him I would be over about 7 and we would go to the dealership.

We get there, there are complications and I end up waiting 1 1/2 hours for him. Finally we go and get a drink, and when I start to tell him about my new job, he puts his hand up and interrupts me to watch the baseball highlights on TV. He never comes back around to ask me about my new job. I really restrained myself to keep from getting up and walking out. He also asked me out for Sunday, but there was no def time or def plans. He said he would call me at noon.

At 1PM on Sunday he calls and said he had too much work to do that day, that we might be able to go for dinner. Whatever. I sent him a text about 4PM and said I had made dinner plans. I had also made the baby (2 years old) some mini cupcakes and he knew that I did. At this point, I am beyond pissed. I defriended him on facebook for starters. Monday I get a text saying his phone died and he was sorry he didn't call me for dinner. I didn't respond. Wednesday I get a text asking my advice about some software he needs. I didn't respond. Friday afternoon I get a phone call (I didn't answer the phone) asking about my new job and that he was calling just to "check in". I called him back when I knew he would be putting the baby to bed and left a message just saying I was returning his call. As of this writing, he hasn't responded, and that is fine with me.

WTH? I don't get completely being ignored when I'm with him, then when I ignore him, he keeps calling and texting. Really?

I've spent time with the baby, brownies, cupcakes, etc. No issue there. They love when I bring food over....LOL. I don't get being ignored when I'm with him, and him asking me out then canceling or talking his way out of it. Then when I retreat after this treatment from him, here he comes calling and texting, then the cycle starts over again.

"Last Saturday, he asked if I could help him out and take him to the dealership to pick up his new car. He wanted to go to dinner then to the dealership, then get a drink afterwards. Since I had dinner plans, I told him I would be over about 7 and we would go to the dealership."

Learn how to say NO, "NO" I'm busy, I have plans. The reason why men (this particular man) is taking you for granted is because you put him FIRST even when you have plans you put him first and when you put a man first he'll ASSUME the wrong thing which is you're desperate, you're needy and once HE THINKS THIS ABOUT YOU he'll neglect you, it doesn't matter if you're not desperate/thirsty for male companionship, it's your ACTIONS that say otherwise, once you allow a man to THINK he's the center of your Universe without him having done absolutely NOTHING that warrants you revolving your life around him he'll take you for granted and this isn't about good men/bad men stuff, this is about a woman who doesn't RECOGNIZE how her actions are turning men (a man) off and creating a space for neglect to cultivate.

He's ignoring you because you allow him to do it, you are ENABLING this drama to happen, you get pissed when you're being ignored but then you just sit there and take it and then you wonder why it continues, it continues because you allow it to continue, you've TAUGHT him to be the way he is, you've taught him he can be dismissive in your presence and all he has to do is chase you down to get you back into the cycle, you've taught him your life revolves around him so he takes you for granted, there is no real fear of losing you because he know all he has to do is chase you down and you'll be right back into the same toxic cycle.

Set a boundary, next time he ignores you tell him how you feel. I feel ignored don't go into a long tirade about why you feel that way because that makes you appear insecure, the key is to say how you feel with confidence, just say I feel ignored and GIVE HIM TIME to fix it, if the ignoring continues then GET UP AND LEAVE, that's the only way to BREAK the cycle of being devalued and dismissed, YOU HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO TEACH HIM TO STOP TREATING YOU THE WAY HE'S TREATING YOU and this includes BEING ASSERTIVE when your in his presence and he's ignoring you.

He may not even be aware that he's being this way with you, this isn't about making him out to be a jerk, this is about recognizing the part you play in all of this, recognize that YOU aren't being true to yourself when you don't assert yourself when he's doing something that makes YOU feel icky and ignored. SPEAK UP and if after you speak up the behavior continues then dump him because who needs to be with someone who doesn't care, you can do better than that unless you can't do better and if you can't do better you'll continue on with this crazy making behavior with him.

If you're going to ignore him then at least wait until he ACKNOWLEDGE to you that he's not treating you very well, if he's not acknowledging to you that he's mistreating you emotionally then HE'LL NEVER understand you, understand what he's doing wrong and thus the cycle continues and if you keep allowing him back in without him acknowledging his neglectful entitled behavior then you enable the problem to continue.

You can't expect him to mind read, he truly may not know how his behavior effects you and if you don't speak up and if you keep up the ignoring with never getting to the bottom of what's going on then you both are at fault.

hey callmegens!!! CONGRATS ON THE JOB GF!!!!

i would've walked out at the putting the hand up stage. it's one of my absolute pet hates. men know not to involve me if there's anything sporting going on telly cos i don't like team sports...i like kick ass fighting, lol. but whatever the event. how rude is it to put your hand up to silence someone when they're there to do you a favour.....unless it's just a friend.

to me, that gesture would tell me everything i need to know about how much he respects me....if i were romantically interested.

i don't attribute how much he respects you entirely on your behaviour....cos he's plainly a bit of a knobhead!!

i went to court to help out with translation for a leo guy i have no romantic attachment to. that was two weeks ago and i've not heard from him since. not so much as an update. he was very grateful on the day but it was a serious occasion. he'd asked me for help and i provided it...there was no agenda beyond the task at hand on either side. i'm a friend of his who happens to have the skills he required on that day....tomorrow there will be another friend who can bring something else to the table. it's no biggie...it's just how friends operate...as the italians say, they are 'bread when you're hungry'.

so i'm just saying that i think he respects you in that capacity....as a friend who can help him out and is always willing to and who makes a mean cupcake too...personally, i couldn't resist and i would have you help out all the time cos you sound like a feeder and i like my food, lol.

but if i was hanging out with a friend and they put their hand up to shut me up, i wouldn't be offended at all...i would call them a rudeass but i wouldn't take it personally cos you can be that way with friends. if there was any romantic interest though, i would have a MAHOOSIVE dramatic strop and flounce out...even if i had miles to walk home, lol.

You're right Tiki...I'm waiting for my chance to tell him, but at this point, I don't want to even be around him. You know I've had my own issues to deal with the last several months, and so little by little, I've become stronger and am learning how to deal with this kind of stuff. He came into my life when I probably was not ready, willing and able to address these types of issues, so I probably said "what the hell" more than I wanted to. I am usually a very gregarious woman, with an outgoing personaliANty, and who makes her living in Human Resources. You know I know how to deal with people, but when it comes to matters of the heart, I've been through the gamut and am only now coming out on the other side. I will be better, and want to be better. For me, it is taking a bit of time, AND he has his own issues to deal with. He's in the final stages of a divorce, and is trying to asssilimate into a new schedule with his two year old daughter. I have been guilty of giving him "the benefit of the doubt" but now to my own detriment. We agreed that nothing romantiically would happen until his divorce was final, and that is fine with me.

RIG...thanks!! He is a knobhead at this point, and has gotten worse over the last several months. Tiki confirmed my thoughts that I need to speak up about this behaviour, but honest to pete....sometimes I just shake my head and say "omg, is it worth it?" I do want to and I'm hoping an opportunity will present itself soon with him. He is still not divorced and that fact right there keeps me at arm's length and not inclined to muddy the waters with anything on a sexual note. He told me straight up in February that he lines up pretty well with all Leo traits, and Seraph advised me to back off which I did. However, just because I backed off from him and am working on my own healing doesn't mean he can be a knobhead when we are together.

Think this through because once you really think this through you'll know he won't be that available after the divorce, there will be a mourning period, an angry at women period, there will be so many levels of grief after the divorce so it's not really realistic to expect a relationship out of him after the divorce is finalized, he's angry and he's taking his frustration out onto you, you hoping things will move forward later after the divorce somewhat holds you hostage from saying what really has to be said, allowing him to be disrespectful romantic or not doesn't absolve him from being responsible for his behavior.

Backing off in this kind of situation is more along the lines of just not being available until he's ready to date, doing friendly favors for a guy you actually want to be romantic with actually does more harm than good, sort of reeks with desperation and that can cause a man to be dismissive towards you when you act like a doormat he'll treat you like one, his behavior is not a good sign that he'll take you on as a lover in the near future, his behavior actually points to him being emotionally unavailable towards you because he's already being that way now and it won't get better.

If you really want him, want to experience REAL LOVE with someone whose going to support you and share with you then you best be moving along, keep in touch from time to time until he's ready, no more favors, no more listening to his problems, shift the focus OFF OF HIM and back onto yourself and when the timing is right you'll have an opportunity to date, you do not want to build up bad feelings towards one another or you'll never get the opportunity to date later on, too many unresolved feelings can douse water on a future flame.

So keep in touch with him but no more favors, he's not a girl, he can support himself, if he needs support he has his own friends and family and I'm sure he wouldn't treat them how he's treating you.

I have to give it to Tiki when she is accurate. She is on the above comment.

Esp the *angry at women* part. Very well said.