Pain
This topic was created in the Leo forum by banini on Monday, April 2, 2007 and has 16 replies.
So I read once that if you get rejected or whatever that it's bad to be alone and wallow in the pain that results.
I think in my situation, I wouldn't let myself believe there was any pain, and it sort of built up, and now I feel it. If I'm with friends, I don't really feel it, because I'm caught up in the moment, but I can tell it's there. When I do feel it though, I don't really wallow in it and feel sorry for myself. If I start to cry, I stop, because it's really kind of a relief to be feeling it now. I'm interested in it, so I just sort of contemplate it and what it means. Is it bad to let myself feel it like that? Do I sort of need to just feel it until it's all used up?
I think in my situation, I wouldn't let myself believe there was any pain, and it sort of built up, and now I feel it. If I'm with friends, I don't really feel it, because I'm caught up in the moment, but I can tell it's there. When I do feel it though, I don't really wallow in it and feel sorry for myself. If I start to cry, I stop, because it's really kind of a relief to be feeling it now. I'm interested in it, so I just sort of contemplate it and what it means. Is it bad to let myself feel it like that? Do I sort of need to just feel it until it's all used up?
No feedback huh. Well today I'm feeling pretty good about myself, and I think working through the emotional pain is paying off. It's not like sitting around thinking no one will ever fall in love with me, or thinking that everyone is just out to hurt my feelings. It's more just trying to understand how I let myself get to this point, and I think it has to do mostly with not being honest to myself. I always try to be, but I think I just didn't know myself well enough to understand what was happening to me, and now I think I do.
I'm starting to get tired of it really. It's such a drag.
I think it's just been part of my whole life. I never get to be part of the group, or if I could be, I don't want to be. Really, even when they don't want me, I still don't want to be a part of it. I want people to be my friends and be more important to them than the group that I can't or don't want to be a part of.
The libra that I liked was part of a group, or scene, and to some extent some of them accepted me, but in limited capacity. I just wasn't one of them. I didn't want to be, I just wanted them, or especially her, to take a risk and see if I could be more fun for her than her group was. I didn't want her to think that "fun" meant going to a bar and getting trashed and then going home with some random guy she thought was cute and doing it. I wanted her to just not do that one night, and do something with me, and have so much fun together that she would never feel like she had to do any of that other stuff again. But she couldn't. Thats who she is. It's like she's lost in that world and I can't get her out. Like, I would imagine that she's been really hurt and damaged in her life, and so thats how she got there, and it just seems really, really sad.
So thats a large part of whats hurting me. Then there was the night she and my best friend at the time nearly slept together after getting wasted, and while I was in the next room, and I couldn't do anything about it because I was in so much shock and I couldn't sleep all night and had cramps all over, and the next morning I heard them talking and laughing and it made me feel like they thought I was nothing. And then I just forgave them for it. It didn't hurt that much after that, but it hurts way more now for some reason, and I think it's one of the stupidest things I've ever done. I think that I thought my feelings weren't important, so I never told any of them how it really made me feel, and I imagine that maybe they thought that it didn't really hurt me that much, so thats why they didn't care. Or, maybe they knew it really did, and they lost respect for me for not standing up for my feelings. I wonder if I told them now if it would make a difference, like if they knew how much it hurt me, then they would care, and it would make me feel better knowing that they cared. And isn't it a Leo thing to get depressed and hurt when you find out people aren't as good as you think they should be? So if I found out that they really could care
I think it's just been part of my whole life. I never get to be part of the group, or if I could be, I don't want to be. Really, even when they don't want me, I still don't want to be a part of it. I want people to be my friends and be more important to them than the group that I can't or don't want to be a part of.
The libra that I liked was part of a group, or scene, and to some extent some of them accepted me, but in limited capacity. I just wasn't one of them. I didn't want to be, I just wanted them, or especially her, to take a risk and see if I could be more fun for her than her group was. I didn't want her to think that "fun" meant going to a bar and getting trashed and then going home with some random guy she thought was cute and doing it. I wanted her to just not do that one night, and do something with me, and have so much fun together that she would never feel like she had to do any of that other stuff again. But she couldn't. Thats who she is. It's like she's lost in that world and I can't get her out. Like, I would imagine that she's been really hurt and damaged in her life, and so thats how she got there, and it just seems really, really sad.
So thats a large part of whats hurting me. Then there was the night she and my best friend at the time nearly slept together after getting wasted, and while I was in the next room, and I couldn't do anything about it because I was in so much shock and I couldn't sleep all night and had cramps all over, and the next morning I heard them talking and laughing and it made me feel like they thought I was nothing. And then I just forgave them for it. It didn't hurt that much after that, but it hurts way more now for some reason, and I think it's one of the stupidest things I've ever done. I think that I thought my feelings weren't important, so I never told any of them how it really made me feel, and I imagine that maybe they thought that it didn't really hurt me that much, so thats why they didn't care. Or, maybe they knew it really did, and they lost respect for me for not standing up for my feelings. I wonder if I told them now if it would make a difference, like if they knew how much it hurt me, then they would care, and it would make me feel better knowing that they cared. And isn't it a Leo thing to get depressed and hurt when you find out people aren't as good as you think they should be? So if I found out that they really could care
about something like that, then I would be relieved because they weren't so bad after all.
I think the other part that hurt me a lot was that later, when she came around a bit and seemed like she was considering me at least as another person, she called to see if my best friend and I wanted to go to the gym with her. He was out of town, and I told her, and then she wouldn't go with just me. And that was basically the end of it all, because I was so hurt and I had to know what the problem was. It really pissed me off, and it didn't feel like anyone else cared. Plus it made me feel like all the mean nasty things she'd said about me or to me were things that she really meant, when originally I'd thought she was just joking around.
I don't know, I just feel so stupid about all of it. I know I'm repeating things I've said on here before. I would love to tell them all how much it hurt me, but in a lot of ways it's kind of my fault, so if I told them, I would feel like I was just casting the blame on them to make myself feel better, and it wouldn't make them feel sorry for me. I don't need them to feel sorry for me. I need to be reassured that it's possible for them, or for other people to care about my feelings, and I don't know how I could tell them how I feel in such a way that they would get that instead of thinking I just wanted pity for something that was really more my fault for not making my feelings known to them then. But then again, now that I recall, my "best friend" at the time would just tell me to shut up whenever I would try to talk about feelings. That hurt too, but he would say it was really for my own good and that I should just shut it off. Wow I can't believe I would listen to something like that! OMG. This writing is like the best therapy ever. Like I can totally see how I just let myself be pushed around and loose all my confidence in who I was, and if you're crazy enough you can let yourself think it was a conspiracy by them all to keep me down, you know, to keep me from getting the girl and being happy, maybe because they weren't happy, or they hated me, but I'm not that crazy, and I think it's more that I've conditioned myself to think that because I tend to not fit in in groups, my place any time I hang out with a group of people that are different than me is sort of at the bottom, and I have to just be happy with whatever crap inclusion they give me and I should be thankful for anything at all.
I think the other part that hurt me a lot was that later, when she came around a bit and seemed like she was considering me at least as another person, she called to see if my best friend and I wanted to go to the gym with her. He was out of town, and I told her, and then she wouldn't go with just me. And that was basically the end of it all, because I was so hurt and I had to know what the problem was. It really pissed me off, and it didn't feel like anyone else cared. Plus it made me feel like all the mean nasty things she'd said about me or to me were things that she really meant, when originally I'd thought she was just joking around.
I don't know, I just feel so stupid about all of it. I know I'm repeating things I've said on here before. I would love to tell them all how much it hurt me, but in a lot of ways it's kind of my fault, so if I told them, I would feel like I was just casting the blame on them to make myself feel better, and it wouldn't make them feel sorry for me. I don't need them to feel sorry for me. I need to be reassured that it's possible for them, or for other people to care about my feelings, and I don't know how I could tell them how I feel in such a way that they would get that instead of thinking I just wanted pity for something that was really more my fault for not making my feelings known to them then. But then again, now that I recall, my "best friend" at the time would just tell me to shut up whenever I would try to talk about feelings. That hurt too, but he would say it was really for my own good and that I should just shut it off. Wow I can't believe I would listen to something like that! OMG. This writing is like the best therapy ever. Like I can totally see how I just let myself be pushed around and loose all my confidence in who I was, and if you're crazy enough you can let yourself think it was a conspiracy by them all to keep me down, you know, to keep me from getting the girl and being happy, maybe because they weren't happy, or they hated me, but I'm not that crazy, and I think it's more that I've conditioned myself to think that because I tend to not fit in in groups, my place any time I hang out with a group of people that are different than me is sort of at the bottom, and I have to just be happy with whatever crap inclusion they give me and I should be thankful for anything at all.
So, I dunno, I'm just really worried about myself. If I let that happen to me, I need to be really careful to avoid letting it happen again. It wasn't obvious to me that it was happening.
banini, i see i'm late, but i wanna say something anyways -
DON'T try to prohibit your emotion. limit your actions and words, but NOT your emotions. let it carry you to the depths of your feeling and eventually you will find a way to break through the surface again and inhale with a breath of fresh perspective.
DON'T try to prohibit your emotion. limit your actions and words, but NOT your emotions. let it carry you to the depths of your feeling and eventually you will find a way to break through the surface again and inhale with a breath of fresh perspective.
Yeah, wheelhomies, I think so too. Or at least I hope. I mean, really I only post about it on here when I feel it, and as you can see, thats only once in a while. If I let myself go back into it, I can try to look at it from different ways to see what it was that I really didn't understand at the time and how that affected the situation. I feel pretty confident that if the new me or whatever was who I was then, then none of it would ever have happened at all, which should mean that it would be pretty hard for the same thing to happen to me again.
Why do you think I should go out with a scorpio kris?
Why do you think I should go out with a scorpio kris?
Well, I'm like, doing that, but it still hurts sometimes. I don't want to be part of the group. I recently had an opportunity to hang out with some other friends, which I did for a while, and then they were going to go to TGI Fridays and drink, and I passed, especially since it was like all they talked about the whole time. I think before I would have gone because I didn't want to be alone doing nothing. But now I write music and jokes, and I'm learning piano so I can write and play music better and more, and in front of a live audience, which should be fun. I'm already getting better I think!
Yeah, well I can't go to one coffee shop's music open mic because I signed up for it one week, and then went to another open mic hoping to make it back before my slot, but I didn't, so they're hella pissed. So much for trying to do two in one night. I bet I could find another one though.
So, okay, some of it is clearly my fault for letting people treat me badly, but aren't they still assholes and bitches? Like, not every person in the world will treat you badly just because you give them the opportunity to will they? I think it would be pretty immature to call this woman a bitch just because she didn't like me, but I don't think it's wrong to think she is one for treating me the way she did. Just because you don't like someone doesn't mean you should treat them the way she treated me. So, she's a bitch.
I wished she wasn't. Like, I guess she would have had to be a better person in order to give me a chance, so I wanted her to be, but she didn't. I think thats really what makes it so hard to let go, because then I have to sort of lose faith that she could be a better person.
Maybe I expected too much and made it too hard for her. Like maybe it would have been easier if I just lashed out then and told her, "ungh uh, oh no you didn't" and had some sort of serious talk about her treating me with respect. Maybe leaving it entirely up to her how she treated me was too hard, and I should have made it easier for her.
I wished she wasn't. Like, I guess she would have had to be a better person in order to give me a chance, so I wanted her to be, but she didn't. I think thats really what makes it so hard to let go, because then I have to sort of lose faith that she could be a better person.
Maybe I expected too much and made it too hard for her. Like maybe it would have been easier if I just lashed out then and told her, "ungh uh, oh no you didn't" and had some sort of serious talk about her treating me with respect. Maybe leaving it entirely up to her how she treated me was too hard, and I should have made it easier for her.
On a more pleasant note, I sang my new song live tonight at an, and people loved it, and I felt great afterwards. 
at an open mic*
Another thought. Perhaps a lot of this resulted from me being afraid to let people care about me. Kind of like, I wouldn't let them care, so they didn't, and then I was hurt because they didn't.
How come no one is responding...?
poop
Yes this is true. Well, it doesn't seem to hurt anymore! So thats good. Now I'm just somewhat angry and resentful. Is that widely accepted as a sign that I'm moving forward?
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