Another Libra Victim... Surprise Surprise! :)

This topic was created in the Libra forum by CanSagCap on Sunday, June 30, 2013 and has 26 replies.
Hey all,
So I read through some of the posts here and am confident I would find someone with some insight for my problem.
I have been 'around' a Libra guy for 10 months now (virgo-libra cusp; Sep 23rd) but I notice he is more Libra than Virgo. He showed interest (at least I noticed mixed messages). We were in the same post grad program which entailed seeing each other everyday. Long story short, I was going through stuff, I'm a Cancer Sun, Sag rising and I think I was going through a lot of changes over the last few months and I shut people out and as a result I was very... well MEAN to him. Anyway, with time I saw the error of my ways and noticed that through it all he remained kind to me and a month ago I told him that I liked him and didn't give him a chance to respond.
Things went on and we carried on with our lives (he has always been 'physical' with me through the year, as in he touches me when he talks to me, in public... little things like brushing my arm... longer hugs - long enough for other people to notice- etc. And this only grew MORE after I told him I liked him) but we never brought the issue up... until yesterday. He was supposed to be coming over to my place to bring me something for school, and then suggested we watch a movie... then that developed into him making me dinner... and then we watched a movie. Or rather it was playing in the background as we sat with his arms around me and talked. Out of many things we talked about, we addressed the whole mixed messages thing and he apologized for it since he didn't do it consciously. (in other words, he doesn't feel the same way) which I was (obviously hurt but) OK with. I told him I still think he is a great guy and a woman out there would be lucky to have him. (In my head it was over, we're just friends and I was ok with it), I gave him a peck on the cheek only for him to turn my face and kiss me... CRAZY GOOD... and that went on for what felt like 3 years! smile I then stopped (mainly coz I needed to come up for air Winking ) and told him that the situation was confusing for me and we should not confuse it more. He then got ready to leave... I hugged him and he left. I have not communicated in ANY way so far. Nor has he.
This is the part where you chime in... THANKS in advance.
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Thanks for the insightful answer... smile My issue is obviously with him saying one thing and doing the opposite. What do I 'listen' to?
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I'm sort of confused. You said he sent mixed signals, but you were mean to him? Then (as far as I can tell) you didn't apologize, just said you liked him, but didn't allow him to respond. Then you do the kiss of death and say "great guy and a woman out there would be lucky to have him" (to guys this is code for I'm not interested). With all that he made out with you and stayed nice to you, I'd say he is probably interested.
If you are interested then you'll need to contact him and show it. Based off of what you wrote, I'd be fairly confused and would probably take a step back to see how you respond. Especially if I made all those overtures and didn't get a solid response for exactly what you wanted.
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Listen to his actions only, libras and they pretty words are not enough
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Its not a mixed message... he said he doesn't like you "like that", meaning he doesn't want an exclusive relationship with you. Him turning your face for a kiss on the lips means he is open to other options.
Advice? If you're okay with being a fuck buddy, go for it. If not, back off and don't kiss him again.
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Oh! Actions and words should match. If they don't then you shouldn't be listening to either.
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theGrinch: I shortened the tale a whole bunch and I unfortunately jumped the 'I apologized about everything long before I told him I liked him' part. He was well aware that I was going through stuff and mentioned yesterday that he notices the change in me. Oh, and I thought it was obvious that I am falling hard for this guy but I am afraid of getting hurt lest I am in this alone.
LibraSid: thanks. That would have been my go to response if I hadn't seen this guy turn women away who were pretty much throwing themselves at him throughout the year. He is known in class as 'the guy who can't close' and he has said countless times that he isn't looking to 'date' or sleep around.
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tiziani: Well, I have a (bad) tendency to say exactly how I feel. It doesn't always work out positively. I guess I was slightly surprised. thanks though.
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Posted by LibraSid
Oh! Actions and words should match. If they don't then you shouldn't be listening to either.


Easier said than done at this point...
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*waltzes in* OH HO HO, welcome to the Libra Victim Club. Tongue Now, let's all hold hands and.... I don't know.Laughing But you're circumstances with this dude are way better than mine, though. Actually, they're good in the first place; I have no idea what's going on with mine.......
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Ah ok I see now. Well it's really going to be a waiting game at this point. He's confused right now because of how everything went down. We are straight forward and tend to move at a pace we set. My guess is he got the mixed signals, thought perhaps he was just a friend, and when things transversed differently he became unbalanced. I figure that's why you got the reply you did. Now he's disappeared and is attempting to think his way through it. Once he finds that balance once again I tend to think he'll reach out to you. He obviously has feelings for you, just a matter of figuring out what they are. Perhaps he just doesn't want to label it just yet and take it nice and slow.
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What do you want in fact ? Why did you posted here? to find which answer ? Are you also interested in him now and you don't know how to get him back or make him see this ? Or you just want to know his feelings/thinking for you ? If you are interested in him also, then don't be shy to show him directly ! Libras love attention and showing love . You told him " there whpuld be a woman for you" or something like this, you let him feels that you don't like him and if he gone, you risk he never back. Libra is not interested in someone who doen not show interest on him. So , now is your turn to acting and cover your mistake if you really want him back. Just acting and show him you want him , show him some love ( if is too much to say "love" now, at least show him interest, contact him or simple tel him" I miss you" . You will probably find the answer from him " I miss you too" or " me too" and it is enough for a good start ) .
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Posted by Maria1980
What do you want in fact ? Why did you posted here? to find which answer ? Are you also interested in him now and you don't know how to get him back or make him see this ? Or you just want to know his feelings/thinking for you ? If you are interested in him also, then don't be shy to show him directly ! Libras love attention and showing love . You told him " there whpuld be a woman for you" or something like this, you let him feels that you don't like him and if he gone, you risk he never back. Libra is not interested in someone who doen not show interest on him. So , now is your turn to acting and cover your mistake if you really want him back. Just acting and show him you want him , show him some love ( if is too much to say "love" now, at least show him interest, contact him or simple tel him" I miss you" . You will probably find the answer from him " I miss you too" or " me too" and it is enough for a good start ) .


Thanks. I didn't see it this way, I guess. As I mentioned it above, it was a shock reaction... My pride was hurt after his first response. And then as I was processing that, the kiss came in and confused me again. I guess I am one of those people who likes lines (I colour code everything just so I don't mix then up), I don't like messes, and this feels like a mess.
As to what I want, my self preservation mode is telling me not to make that decision until I know whether he is in this or not. What I am looking for here is simply as I said, an objective insight. I am obviously too close to the whole think to be objective. And my friends love him so they would *and they have) say anything to keep me holding on.
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Posted by Sugarfoot
Posted by LibraSid
Its not a mixed message... he said he doesn't like you "like that", meaning he doesn't want an exclusive relationship with you. Him turning your face for a kiss on the lips means he is open to other options.
Advice? If you're okay with being a fuck buddy, go for it. If not, back off and don't kiss him again.


+1
Go by what he said. Lots of guys will tell you straight up that they aren't interested then try to get physical. Trying to get what they can while investing as little as possible.
Maybe the reason he can't close is because no one has been dumb enough to fall for it yet.
And
He may not have been attracted to the girls that threw themselves at him. Idk

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Gee thanks! Well, I guess I DID ask for personal advice in a public forum and would have to take it all as it comes. I just am not one who like things blurred, and I don't see anything in my behaviour as 'throwing myself at him' or 'dumb enough to fall for it'. But thanks for the time though.
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Apologies, I guess I did read it differently. I am used to 'not very friendly' people on here and a lot gets lost in text.
And I inferred the conclusion from his apology. He said he doesn't believe in sleeping around (he also said this to a mutual friend who happened to mention it to me before), and he was searching (which I took to mean he is still searching OUT THERE, as in "You're not 'her'") Which resulted in me blurting out whoever the girl is (out there) would be lucky to have you. Which cued the peck on the cheek followed by the (unexpected) kiss.
An important insight would be, he comes from a very religious family, and although he doesn't follow EVERY law in the book, he shows more respect to women in general than any person I know. (Part of the reason why the kiss came as a huge surprise).
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Posted by tiziani
Logically, it's hard to see how this man could be any more direct. It's interesting that "pay attention to a what a man does, and not what he says" is often used when the actions suggest they're not interested.
But otherwise that golden rule somehow... for whatever reason... goes out the window when it could be used for positive risk taking.
You push the man away for your own personal reasons, fair enough. He lives his life, lets you live yours. And makes physical contact with you, shows you affection at every opportunity.
On a day where he's meant to fulfil a menial task like bringing you school stuff, he instead suggests you watch a movie. The man COOKS for you, sits down with you, makes an effort to talk with you.
You push him away again by suggesting "a woman would be lucky to have him" (aka any woman but don't actually say you want him) and yet he overcomes that by KISSING you.
And you respond to this by telling him you're confused.
If I were you I would be asking myself if you are interested in this guy romantically or not. Since all signs point to the truth that he doesn't particularly make you romantically happy in that respect. He's been as direct as he can, overcome you walls, and after all this time you're not convinced.
Sometimes things really are what they appear to be. Your reactions and your gut instinct won't let you down. From the outside it seems like he likes you but you don't like him that much. And, after all of this, he does something that suggests he truly does have respect for you... which is simply just to leave and give you time to think for yourself.


I have to admit it does sound pretty clear laid all out. I will say 2 things: 1, I guess he is not the usual 'type' of guy I would go out with. But 2. I know for sure that I at the very least like him a whole lot (I have a feeling it's more but I refuse to admit it to myself so i'll stick with 'I like him a lot'). I really thought I was being pretty clear, or rather HE was being pretty clear in saying that he was still searching. Meaning that it wasn't ME whom he wants... and what was I to say. My pride took control, needed to show him that I wasn't hurt (I do this a lot).
Anyway, I see him tomorrow at a friends party... Gosh, I feel like I am 14 again.
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I think people also forget that sometimes we say things for a reaction, even when we know it isn't right or true. I bet he was taken aback by the fact that you didn't get "hurt".
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Posted by theGrinch
I think people also forget that sometimes we say things for a reaction, even when we know it isn't right or true. I bet he was taken aback by the fact that you didn't get "hurt".
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Posted by theGrinch
I think people also forget that sometimes we say things for a reaction, even when we know it isn't right or true. I bet he was taken aback by the fact that you didn't get "hurt".


I was thinking the same thing... Funny thing is that had the room not been pitch dark (we had closed the shutters for the movie that had by then been long finished and switched off) he would have seen the hurt on my face.
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Posted by theGrinch
I think people also forget that sometimes we say things for a reaction, even when we know it isn't right or true. I bet he was taken aback by the fact that you didn't get "hurt".


So how do i dig myself out of this hole? I have told him i'd like to talk to him before the party but i have no idea what i am going to say!
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I wish the woman I'm interested in were this obvious.Laughing You clearly have a lot to talk about, otherwise why would you say you want to talk? I don't know, but my best guess is the dude is waiting for you to truly reciprocate by showing him you care as much as he does and establishing how you feel. You know, one of my friends put up a picture that said, "What women think are obvious signals that she's interested" and there was a picture of a woman with a beaming expression on her face while her hand was on her head. Under that picture, it said, "What I really need", and there was a guy from the Navy directing an Air Force jet onto a carrier.
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2N3R - I saw that picture and it's a 100% true haha!
CanSagCap - Honestly? I tend to think you've said just about all of it, but if the talk is going to happen then this is what I would want to hear. Put it all on the line and tell him exactly what you want. If you want a relationship, tell him that's what you are looking for from him. I might not say relationship, but tell him "hey I want to start dating". Obviously, whatever you have now is not what you want and he needs to know you don't just want to be that casual thing he seems to believe is going on.
To me, this is how I would look at it. I was continually nice when you were utterly mean to me. You apologized and said "I like you." I've been through something like this and yeah I wouldn't believe it too much. The big thing is why be mean to me at all? If you like me, regardless of issues going on (we all have them and I'm not down playing them) you'd still be nice. Now, you tell him again you have feelings for him and I say "I don't see you in that way." You don't get upset (at least in a way he could tell) and we make out. To me, that's mixed signals saying we're casual at best.
For me, if you told me "I like you a lot and I'd like to see where this goes by going on dates" then I'll give you the honest answer. No dates if I don't see a progression or yes to dates if I think there's something there. If he says no dates, stop talking to him because that isn't what you want and you're doing yourself a diservice. We love attention and I'd hate to see him continue the communication with you for just that. We can get attention from anyone if we decide to, no need to get someone who has feelings for us sucked in. Or at least, that's has been my approach.
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Thank you all for the time. I guess I needed it all laid out.
I think this has a lot to do with the fear of rejection. I project a very strong persona of independence and self confidence to people around me (yeah, despite what you see on this thread smile It's easier for me to be vulnerable with strangers) I have a mask no one has seen cracked too often. It would be correct to say I am the girl guys fear and I have been called emasculating by some of the most masculine guys I know (not something I am proud of, and I have gone a tad soft lately) but it is part of the reason I am impressed by his still being here.
@theGrinch: This is what I am going to present to him, and I guess we'll know today. I am not one to usually get strung along, I would usually have walked away ages ago, (and it wasn't for lack of trying this time)but somehow, this guy has a strong hold on me. It would be sad to see him go, but I really would not have it any other way. I'm way past the 'casual' phase of my life.
So ladies and gentlemen, I guess we know tonight!
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Yup be direct and the other tidbit is to listen along with observe. We're easy to read, but people just don't look most of the time. I have to agree with Sugarfoot, he is into you, but he just assumed given the interaction that you weren't. We hate rejection, so he took the step to lessen the blow. Good luck!
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Sadly, the saga continues.
He picked the time for us to talk (a half hour before the party and even agreed to taking a walk away from prying eyes of the people we know)... and then went MIA.
And then (after the fact) went apologetic, both in (4) texts and in person at the party saying he had to help out with the party prep since it was at his place (a roommates birthday).
My Take: If he thought it was important, he would have MADE time. Told him not to worry about it. This is where I hop off this train, it's been a long ride... too long.
Thank you all for the help... and your time.
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Aw, sorry to hear it! At least you got your answer so you don't have to dwell on what might have been. Just know that you made every attempt to make the situation work and it is what it is.
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