Give me your Two Cents...

I've been dating someone for 3 months...totally unexpected. We met at the gym and we just hung out a few times, but things got serious very quick all on his initiatives. Within 3 weeks, I'd met his sister and bro-in-law, his 2 best friends, he had things planned for us to do as far as 2 to 3 weeks in advance (big deal to me because I am not used to that).

He is divorced - August will mark the 1 year point since the divorce was finalized. They were separated for 9 months prior to the finalized decree. He used the divorce as the reason for not committing to me, yet his actions contradicted those words. He would tell me that he's waiting for me to tell him to go away. I've told him at least twice that I don't walk away from something that's good.

Two weeks ago, we have a talk and I told him that I can't move forward without knowing where he stands. He says he has never connected with someone as easily and quickly as he has with me. He thinks long-term a lot and that scares me. He has told me that he wants to be married again in the future and sees me as someone who fits him, whatever that means. BUT 2 weeks ago, he says "this might ruin things, but I promised myself I wouldn't commit to anything until at least one year after my divorce". I told him that by August, we will be dating 7 months and left it at that for the night. The next day I get an email...rather lengthy, so I'll just paste the guts of the content:

I've had some time to reflect. Not only are you becoming attached, I am as well. I take this as a desirable condition. I'm not ready to get married. I am ready to continue pursuing you at a level of commitment.... I do not think that two months is long enough. I want to keep learning you, you make me smile. I think it's time for me (and I'm ready and want) to make a commitment to just you. It's not a proposal, it's the next step i'm comforatable with right now. I think you'd freak out if i proposed, (I know of someone else that did that two months in) but i know you have questions, and I do too - we're not there yet. But, I know enough to realize that you need to know, to continue on the current path, that i want to continue as well. I haven't been dating anyone else and, despite some comments from others, do not intend and have zero desire to do so at this time. I know i have left the door open with my comments last night, and that's not fair to either of us. I'm closing that door now.

We had the same talk in person, because I just can't have a deep conversation like this just by email. He tells me the night because he promised himself he wouldn't commit to anything until at least a year after the divorce, but then the next day says he wants to commit to me? That confused, delighted, and scared me all at once.

That's the first bit....guys and gals, chime in and tell me why you think he'd say he wouldn't commit but then change his mind the next day. The only thing I can come up with is that he was either 1-buying more time or 2-didn't/doesn't want to lose me over that promise.

The current dilemma is this:

He accepted to go to a baseball with a girl and her husband and another female (who's single)...he accepted to go to this game without asking me. This married chick is setting him up with this girl and I don't like it one bit. Since making that committment to me, I'd think he should have mentioned that he's going to this baseball game with a girl who isn't me. He claims he didn't know the details and just accepted the invitation. My gripe is perhaps he should have declined the invitation once he realized there was a single girl going in my place.

He threw out the "Do you trust me" card and I told him I did trust him but it was his married friend that I didn't trust. This married girl was supposedly so anxious to meet me at one point...so why not invite me? why did she invite another girl to go along with them? I can't help but assume what she's doing.

He said he wouldn't go if I felt uncomfortable about it. I told him that he should go. I didn't tell him this, but I either way I'm the bad guy. I had already called him out on the bit that I didn't understand why he would want to go to the baseball game without me...so if I tell him not to go, then it's a double whammy for me.

When I saw him Thursday night, I told him how it made me feel. He said that this girl is someone he used to work with and he is not interested in her in any way. He said they're all friends and asked me if I trusted him. I told him of course I did, but that he needed to realize how it made me feel when you find out the man who just made a committment to you is going out with a married couple and their single friend. Trust or not, he needed to know how I felt.

Here's something that didn't make sense. The tickets weren't the wife's to begin with. The single girl had the tix and asked the wife and hubby to the game. Single girl asked the wife if she knew of anyone else who would like to go, so who does she invite? Married chick invites my boyfriend when she knows full well I'm dating him. So I'm sorry, but that's totally disrespectful on the wife's part to open up that can of worms. She should put herself in my shoes.

So this post is two fold...1-changing his mind on the committment and 2-am I reading the baseball game wrong or do you really think this married chick is trying to set him up with someone else?

you so funny...

HP

I don't really get the problem. He likes you and wants to be in an exclusive relationship with you and only you.

He didn't want to commit to you that night because (in his mind) it came out of no where and he a) needed time to think about it b) wanted it to be his idea.

As for the second part, trust the guy. Nothing is sexier than confidence. Show him you aren't threatened by the other girl. Tell him to go have a good time.

The one thing I cannot stand is someone who tries to own/control me.

If you trust him, show you trust him by showing faith in his good intentions.

* So this post is two fold...1-changing his mind on the commitment and 2-am I reading the baseball game wrong or do you really think this married chick is trying to set him up with someone else?

Both of these are moot. You can't control either of these factors. The only thing you can do is know that you are the cat's meow. Know that the other girl can't compete with you and if he wants her more, then obviously he lacks common sense and you don't want him.

You can't force someone to be with you. You can't manipulate them into it. You can't scare them into it.

You just have to be yourself and have faith that you are enough for the right person.

As someone once said, no one finds a martyr sexy.

Don't be threatened by the other girl. Your confidence, independence, and faith in him to do the right thing is what will him over in the end.

Thanks, LS....I still want to kick that married chick's butt...

Thanks Leebra...I can't stay away too long...the baseball game is May 1st and he's taking me out May 3rd...

"So this post is two fold...1-changing his mind on the committment and 2-am I reading the baseball game wrong or do you really think this married chick is trying to set him up with someone else?"

1) He was merely afraid to listen to what his heart was telling him. Trying to take an objectively, logical approach to something that isn't objective or logical. Once he realized that, he corrected his mistake.

2) Personally, I would stop worrying about it. Who cares what the married woman is trying to do?!? As long as you trust your man to not cheat on you, then it doesn't really matter. Yeah, I suppose it is rude, but why focus on negativity? She may have meant no intentional harm and maybe just doesn't realize how committed he is to you, since she has not seen the two of you together. If this becomes a continual thing after she KNOWS how committed the two of you are, then I would probably get upset. But, not at this point... There are many possiblities at this point, not merely the negative ones. And, at this point we will never truly know what her intentions are...

Or, what LS said... LOL!

(damn work...)

"You can't force someone to be with you. You can't manipulate them into it. You can't scare them into it."

I haven't forced, manipulated, or scare him into being with me - he does about 85% of the initiating....it's so friggin' scary. but i do understand your point.

Or, what LS said... LOL!

hee hee!

No point worrying about the married lady. He will figure it out eventually. Trust him too. 😉

On a level your both right but in a complicated way. I don't think objectively you are right in your feelings of him going to the game with that single girl present. But at the same time your being honest and that is how YOU FEEL and so it is just as warrented.

The surface issue here is that your both right. He should not have to worry about weather or not your going to be jelous or insecure about things like this. He should not have to feel compelled seek your permission because you should trust him.

On the other hand, if you feel strongly then your perspective is just. What you have to do is come to the middle together. He needs to be comfortable in understanding that his idea of jelous and yours are a little differen't. He has to be more sensitive to that and keep it in mind when he makes decisions like this. However it doesn't mean that he has to agree with you.

I also think the door is still open on the commitment issue. I don't think you have really commited to each other yet. He came to his conclusion in hindsight, which is what you both thought you wanted to hear and while your excited about it, your also afraid of it. He is comming around to you, he is basically saying "look, these were my plans but I am putting my faith in how I feel about you above those plans because it is what I want and what YOU want." Now you have to be sure you want it. I get a small feeling of you saying what you want convinces you that you want it and it doesn't work 100% of the time.

The reason he was dancing with his words is because he wanted to push a button somewhere, he wanted you to come back with "Thats not quite right......explanation...." or "That is exactly right!!!!!" but your not sure. Your pretty sure but your not sure. He wants to commit to you, he is thinking about marrying you. Your focusing too much on the little things. (Who was at the baseball game and what their motives are.)

I agree with Nic, HP, you must keep an open communication. I know you let him know how you felt, but you do have to trust him, that is important in a relationship - however, why you didn't just go along with them, since they are all friends? Is beyond me, I mean really, if they are all just friends, it should be fun... If I was him and I thought you were uncomfortable with it. I would have invited you along, but, I am a scorp not a libra... So, uhhh, I dunno. 🙂

Anyway, I definitely think the wifey has an ulterior motive, however you being there would shock their pants off wouldn't it?

But, again, a Libra has a lot of friends especially the guys have a lot of female friends and to him, it is honest. I do believe. If he doesn't give in to the undercover plan the wife and the single girl has set up, then there is nothing to worry about. I do feel it is disrespectful of the wife, knowing the two of you are exclusive to try to pull a wammy like that. Some females are serious haters.

Thanks Nic....
I thought he committed too soon and told him that, but he told me last week eye to eye that he meant every word he said...his exact words "Not into sharing things i'm not comfortable with or saying things that I regret. Further, i'm not being pressured. It's not fair for me to ignore my feelings and leave you hanging where I don't want to leave you hanging"

I'd be spooked if things happened that quickly.

From the quoted text I think you can tell that you have a serious Libra on your hands (we rarely write things down!). His writing shows that he's not crossing the 50/50 line which means that he respects you, a lot. He's giving many angles & views on one subject, at different moments of the day because he does not know how you feel and is leaving you to reveal your opinion so he take on your opinion as his. This is true mirroring...(he's clearly in love!)

You have NOTHING to worry about. People are jealous, people want what they cannot have, people may fish and it's up to a person (read: your Libra) to not bite. Anyone else can actually try - it might come across as disrespectful towards you but that's life and that's nature. As said, it's up to your Libra to decline.

So lighten up - and be sure to look for the essence of the matter and ignore the noise...

***I'd be spooked if things happened that quickly***

I would have been before now, but wonderful things can happen quickly trust me... 🙂

Yup, what Libra said...

The fear of the quickness is situaitonal with me. There are people I have been with where I wanted it to be casual for a lonng time and others where I knew I didn't want to see anyone else.

I have a feeling it is the same with most Libras. Those of us with a good head on our shoulders know when to "hold em".

You Libras may be too clever for me!

"because he does not know how you feel and is leaving you to reveal your opinion so he take on your opinion as his. "

Does this mean he doesn't have a real opinion of things, but is basically amenable to whatever I decide?

Not really. It's to do with the fact that he does not want to mess things up by being too early with his declaration of you could be the one. Remember, the more we care the less risk we take and we just hint hoping you'll read between the lines and step in, to sort it for the both of you.

In general Libras leave voicing the opinions up to others but that's only because we've already thought of all sides and they're all equally valid. That's the core of Libra and won't go away. Only on very clear (and most likely to be moral) issues will you hear a REAL and UNCHANGEABLE opinion, like child abuse etc. Or when life's experience has thought us.

thanks libra