how to repair that broken heart - is it possible
This topic was created in the Libra forum by Chatz on Saturday, January 27, 2007 and has 29 replies.
OK you wonderful Librans, you know the story about me and my man, well I've known this guy for 3&1/2 months - yup not that long, however, in that time, we've shared quite a bit and had some wonderful times.
As I've written before, I told him casually that I would like to see him more and that I was getting a little attached (this was 4 weeks ago), to which he replied "Im not ready for a r/ship at the moment and don't know when I will be"....I've seen him twice since (yesterday being the last time) and honestly I thought I'd not see or hear from him again after the last time which is after I told him the above - its just the feeling I had but during the 11 days I'd not heard from him he must have done a whole lot of thinking because he's come back even stronger than before.
He's opened up and let me in on a great deal of his life, particularly in regard to his previous relationships (he was previously married - he married young), and 2 years ago ended a 7 year r/ship of which they share a daughter...he is quite bitter about the last r/ship and has since only had brief and casual r/ships.
What I want to know (if it is at all possible to understand) is how do I help him move on from this as he said to me yesterday that he misses the intimacy and the cuddles every night the most about being in a r/ship....he's not confident in himself and won't pursue a r/ship with a woman yada yada yada and that he is "happy with his lot in life" but looking into his eyes at times I can see he's not and fears a great deal and from what he says I gather he feels he is not good enough to be a partner which is sad as I can see so much potential
When we are together he gives 100% attention, he shares everything that he's been up to with me, there are no lies, he's loving, sincere and just wonderful to be around...for the first time I caught him just tightening up his grip, kissing my shoulder or my head during the night when he thought I was asleep and would give out little sighs and that was just so sweet. His cynicism has died down, he will give out compliments (which til now have been rare LOL...he likes to lap them up though), and he remembers the little things about me and notices things I've done around my home which others probably wouldn't...he cares, he remembers how long we've been together, how we got together and the innuendos we went through to get where we are and when we're together its a playful time and I've not met anybody like this.
As I've written before, I told him casually that I would like to see him more and that I was getting a little attached (this was 4 weeks ago), to which he replied "Im not ready for a r/ship at the moment and don't know when I will be"....I've seen him twice since (yesterday being the last time) and honestly I thought I'd not see or hear from him again after the last time which is after I told him the above - its just the feeling I had but during the 11 days I'd not heard from him he must have done a whole lot of thinking because he's come back even stronger than before.
He's opened up and let me in on a great deal of his life, particularly in regard to his previous relationships (he was previously married - he married young), and 2 years ago ended a 7 year r/ship of which they share a daughter...he is quite bitter about the last r/ship and has since only had brief and casual r/ships.
What I want to know (if it is at all possible to understand) is how do I help him move on from this as he said to me yesterday that he misses the intimacy and the cuddles every night the most about being in a r/ship....he's not confident in himself and won't pursue a r/ship with a woman yada yada yada and that he is "happy with his lot in life" but looking into his eyes at times I can see he's not and fears a great deal and from what he says I gather he feels he is not good enough to be a partner which is sad as I can see so much potential
When we are together he gives 100% attention, he shares everything that he's been up to with me, there are no lies, he's loving, sincere and just wonderful to be around...for the first time I caught him just tightening up his grip, kissing my shoulder or my head during the night when he thought I was asleep and would give out little sighs and that was just so sweet. His cynicism has died down, he will give out compliments (which til now have been rare LOL...he likes to lap them up though), and he remembers the little things about me and notices things I've done around my home which others probably wouldn't...he cares, he remembers how long we've been together, how we got together and the innuendos we went through to get where we are and when we're together its a playful time and I've not met anybody like this.
I guess what Im asking is do you guys think there is a possibility that he may overcome that bitterness of his ex and be open about a r/ship again or am I flogging a dead horse? After 2 years of being single I would imagine there'd be hope but how does one get into his head and help him to not continue haunting his future with the past? I have been single after a 6 year r/ship for 6 months now and Im more than ready LOL.
He's a great guy with a lot of potential and he's very caring, sensual etc but he seems to pull back as soon as he realises he's slipped!!
Together we have a lot of fun and its always a struggle to leave one another when we do get together - that kinda gives me hope as he's never in a hurry to leave!! He says Im "such a nice girl" and "I love seeing you, you're so much fun and Im always relaxed around you" and all that but then I don't hear from him for between 2 and 7 days...it scares me that Im putting myself out there and perhaps he's just in a place where I can't ever get him??? To be honest Im not really sure how he sees things with us....he would have spent a considerable amount of time thinking after I told him I would like to spend more time with him, etc....and he did say that he didn't want to hurt me...if it were me though, and I was in his position, I probably would have discontinued seeing the other person....because I am sure to be hurt in the long run if he doesnt share the same feelings as me.
What do you guys recommend I do?? Oh and I am happy to enjoy my own time during the downtime and give him space...I think he appreciates that and the fact I didn't go psycho when he told me he wasn't ready for a r/ship LOL....I can only imagine if I had - he wouldn't be seeing me anymore hehehe...I have learnt a lot from this site already - in previous years I may have done so LOL.
Ok anyway...how does a Libran overcome a broken heart - because this one looks like he's broken in a lot of places!!! I do have all the time in the world as he is worth it and he seems to enjoy my friendship a great deal, but Im a little lost now as to what to do....continue the way we have and keep my secret that Im crazy about him and pretend I've detached emotions? do I keep asking about his past? he seems to get some sort of relief out of if and goes deep, real deep.....and will I become just the shoulder for the time being until he finds THE ONE and breaks my heart?
He's a great guy with a lot of potential and he's very caring, sensual etc but he seems to pull back as soon as he realises he's slipped!!
Together we have a lot of fun and its always a struggle to leave one another when we do get together - that kinda gives me hope as he's never in a hurry to leave!! He says Im "such a nice girl" and "I love seeing you, you're so much fun and Im always relaxed around you" and all that but then I don't hear from him for between 2 and 7 days...it scares me that Im putting myself out there and perhaps he's just in a place where I can't ever get him??? To be honest Im not really sure how he sees things with us....he would have spent a considerable amount of time thinking after I told him I would like to spend more time with him, etc....and he did say that he didn't want to hurt me...if it were me though, and I was in his position, I probably would have discontinued seeing the other person....because I am sure to be hurt in the long run if he doesnt share the same feelings as me.
What do you guys recommend I do?? Oh and I am happy to enjoy my own time during the downtime and give him space...I think he appreciates that and the fact I didn't go psycho when he told me he wasn't ready for a r/ship LOL....I can only imagine if I had - he wouldn't be seeing me anymore hehehe...I have learnt a lot from this site already - in previous years I may have done so LOL.
Ok anyway...how does a Libran overcome a broken heart - because this one looks like he's broken in a lot of places!!! I do have all the time in the world as he is worth it and he seems to enjoy my friendship a great deal, but Im a little lost now as to what to do....continue the way we have and keep my secret that Im crazy about him and pretend I've detached emotions? do I keep asking about his past? he seems to get some sort of relief out of if and goes deep, real deep.....and will I become just the shoulder for the time being until he finds THE ONE and breaks my heart?
"I guess what Im asking is do you guys think there is a possibility that he may overcome that bitterness of his ex and be open about a r/ship again..."
It is possible but you have to be gentle. we are overly sensitive about being pushed into dealing with things. Our automatic reaction is "You don't know me." and we close up. The best thing to do is be empathetic, sympathetic. When he does talk about his past and his feelings, respond with sympathy. Stuff like "That sounds really hard. I can't imagine having to go through that." It may seem like you are coddling him, and in reality you will be a little bit. We only respond well to positive reinforcement, anything else pushes him away. A lot of other people see us as really strong, because this is what we show everyone. In reality we are, I mean it may seem opposite but I would put money on it that he put up with a lot in his past relationship that was not in any way ideal for the hope of things turning around. That takes a different kind of strength.
He is doing what I told Aqua about, he is telling you the bad, showing you the dark side so he can see what your reaction is. Personally, every relationship I have been in I have been the "strong one" that always has a cool head and keeps his wits, really, I want to be with someone I don't HAVE to be strong with all of the time. If his experiences are similar, you being a Leo is actually a really good thing.
It is possible but you have to be gentle. we are overly sensitive about being pushed into dealing with things. Our automatic reaction is "You don't know me." and we close up. The best thing to do is be empathetic, sympathetic. When he does talk about his past and his feelings, respond with sympathy. Stuff like "That sounds really hard. I can't imagine having to go through that." It may seem like you are coddling him, and in reality you will be a little bit. We only respond well to positive reinforcement, anything else pushes him away. A lot of other people see us as really strong, because this is what we show everyone. In reality we are, I mean it may seem opposite but I would put money on it that he put up with a lot in his past relationship that was not in any way ideal for the hope of things turning around. That takes a different kind of strength.
He is doing what I told Aqua about, he is telling you the bad, showing you the dark side so he can see what your reaction is. Personally, every relationship I have been in I have been the "strong one" that always has a cool head and keeps his wits, really, I want to be with someone I don't HAVE to be strong with all of the time. If his experiences are similar, you being a Leo is actually a really good thing.
I said it before but our strongest desire is to be desired....keep this in the back of your mind when dealing with this. Don't let yourself come accross as needy, there is a fine line there, just let him know that having him around makes your life a little sweeter. Subtlety, as always, is key.
Talk about your past pain, I know it isn't the easiest thing to do for a Leo, one of your more admirable qualities is your ability to just move on, but dig inside yourself a little bit and if you share these things with him, he will respond with sharing for you. It becomes a back and forth exchange of the introverted side of each other and we really, really like that.
Talk about your past pain, I know it isn't the easiest thing to do for a Leo, one of your more admirable qualities is your ability to just move on, but dig inside yourself a little bit and if you share these things with him, he will respond with sharing for you. It becomes a back and forth exchange of the introverted side of each other and we really, really like that.
Yeah that Leo side - grrrrr at that sometimes!!! It is hard to open up but both you and thelibran have suggested I do more of this...its hard so he's gotta be patient with that too LOL (that's if he makes the time to be patient and thinks Im worth it).....but the good part of a Leo? yes you are right, we aren't in need of a strong partner as such - we have enough strength in ourselves and he seems to respect that I am independant, self sufficient and resourceful (in his words LOL) and no, I am NEVER needy or clingy
And yes I am always sympathetic and just let him talk (he does that so well lol)...I don't say much but give him a cuddle and say I understand, etc, and gently try to remind him that not all women are like that...and yes he told me about his last r/ship where he put up with a lot and it was almost as though he was about to cry when he told me this stuff....hmmmm well at least I think he knows he has a loyal friend in me - once a Leo has made a friend, we don't often let go, not easily and we will fiercly protect those we love
Thank you for the advice - invaluable as per usual
And yes I am always sympathetic and just let him talk (he does that so well lol)...I don't say much but give him a cuddle and say I understand, etc, and gently try to remind him that not all women are like that...and yes he told me about his last r/ship where he put up with a lot and it was almost as though he was about to cry when he told me this stuff....hmmmm well at least I think he knows he has a loyal friend in me - once a Leo has made a friend, we don't often let go, not easily and we will fiercly protect those we love
Thank you for the advice - invaluable as per usual
oh and just a vent....he mentioned a perfume "angel perfume" and said it smelt devine...ding ding ding went the alarm bells wondering what he'd been up to during those 11 days!!! then he asked what do I wear...grrrrrrrrrr and then he went on to mention "I like perfume on a woman" yes well I know that already - all Librans do yeah?? LOL. He said he looked it up on the net and told me how much it cost, etc...what the????
Hmmmmmm now that's got me thinking again - not so positive again....see? we analyse afterwards too!!! Grrrrrrrr@it all.
Hmmmmmm now that's got me thinking again - not so positive again....see? we analyse afterwards too!!! Grrrrrrrr@it all.
Calm down, he is just trying to show you he is interrested by making recommendations and hints. So what if he smelt that perfume on another girl, the point is he wants it on you.
I like really subtle fragrences myself. Must be my Venus in Virgo. I like scented lotions and body washes and shampoos moreso than outright perfume. Plus, I like to put my mouth everywhere...some perfumes don't taste so great
I like really subtle fragrences myself. Must be my Venus in Virgo. I like scented lotions and body washes and shampoos moreso than outright perfume. Plus, I like to put my mouth everywhere...some perfumes don't taste so great
ohhhhhhhhhhh *smacks herself*....thick as a brick sometimes.....hmmmmmm well I'll have to make mention of the perfume next time as he said the smell drives him crazy - that'll impress him and yeah ewwwwwww@licking off perfume....icky!!! LOL. Hope you're right anyway - can't hurt for me to mention it and I might even go out and try it...God help me for having to work so hard - sheesh
I like subtle too and I love a man who smells nice!!!
I like subtle too and I love a man who smells nice!!!
oh and if he wanted on me, perhaps that could inspire him to buy a little of it for Valentines Day!!! woooohooo now wouldn't that be amazing??? LOL
Like that'd happen - gets off that fantasy cloud and giggles!!
Like that'd happen - gets off that fantasy cloud and giggles!!
Hmmm well its Monday morning here and *sigh*...he's back on those singles sites again (yes, I know, I shouldn't be checking and I haven't for days now but just thought I'd see and yup at work he's on there again)....I don't get it coz he just never meets anybody and if he does, man he must be quick coz he's always home LOL.....still reckon he's interested Nic?? grrrrrrrrr its too confusing 
Chatz
Be a little aloof for a little while. See if he comes your way. If he cares for you he will not be able to stay away.
Be a little aloof for a little while. See if he comes your way. If he cares for you he will not be able to stay away.
Libra, I do that and he always does come back which shows me he does care - that's not the problem but hmmmmmm is all I can say. Guess he has his reasons to go on there everyday...I couldn't find anything more mundane and unexciting....he knows how I feel so the ball is in his court and it only makes me realise he meant it when he wasn't ready for a r/ship but then again, why keep me hanging....
Yes the more aloof I get, the stronger he comes on next time.....I get that (took me a while to understand but Im there LOL)
Again, just writing down my concerns...he's open about it though - that's another thing I don't understand, he doesnt worry about me knowing....sheesh!!!
Yes the more aloof I get, the stronger he comes on next time.....I get that (took me a while to understand but Im there LOL)
Again, just writing down my concerns...he's open about it though - that's another thing I don't understand, he doesnt worry about me knowing....sheesh!!!
Why don't you gently tell him that you don't like it?
Can't really do that...I've already told him I wanted to spend more time with him and that I was getting a little attached to him....he came back and said he wasn't ready to be in a r/ship at this time - it wasn't the right time and he didn't even know when it would be.
He doesn't owe me anything, nor I him but he keeps coming back even after I have made my feelings known....that's the part I don't understand and if it were me, I'd probably have purposely stayed away so not to mess with the other persons' feelings even more.
Dunno but he shows all the signs he's interested, yet pulls away when he knows he's slipped up a bit.
He doesn't owe me anything, nor I him but he keeps coming back even after I have made my feelings known....that's the part I don't understand and if it were me, I'd probably have purposely stayed away so not to mess with the other persons' feelings even more.
Dunno but he shows all the signs he's interested, yet pulls away when he knows he's slipped up a bit.
If I were you I'd put myself first, for a while, and not him.
Chatz, as hard as I know it is. Cut him off for a little while. Don't be so accessable when he comes back... For awhile. Miss a couple of his calls without returning them... Don't respond to email for awhile then after a couple times. Just out of the blue call and ask lightly "What's up how have you been?"
Yeah it will be hard and I will do that...I know he dearly likes his space. I did all of this last time....2 weeks of no communication, I didn't call, took some hours to reply to texts and was aloof...and yes when we did finally catch up, this made him come on even stronger.
Im not good at this dance inbetween seeing him at all and yeah I know, I think I'll probably be burnt in the end but at least he was honest about not being ready for a r/ship - tis all my fault yes I know LOL. He probably isn't doing anything wrong as we tend to always think the worst (looks over at the brat LOL) but yeah....hmmmm anyway, guess I'll just sit back and keep working and yada yada yada....I was ok til I got to work - sheesh!! Must admit I had a great time with him over the weekend - too good, that's the problem.
OK thanks ladies, I'll move forward
Im not good at this dance inbetween seeing him at all and yeah I know, I think I'll probably be burnt in the end but at least he was honest about not being ready for a r/ship - tis all my fault yes I know LOL. He probably isn't doing anything wrong as we tend to always think the worst (looks over at the brat LOL) but yeah....hmmmm anyway, guess I'll just sit back and keep working and yada yada yada....I was ok til I got to work - sheesh!! Must admit I had a great time with him over the weekend - too good, that's the problem.
OK thanks ladies, I'll move forward
"Guess he has his reasons to go on there everyday...I couldn't find anything more mundane and unexciting..."
Well, regardless of weather or not it is exciting to him at this point, it has simply become a part of the rutine he fell into likely from being lonely and fearful of in person human contact at the same time. It is a part of his wall right now, it allows him to interract with other girls on his terms, it is safe because it is likely to lead to nothing. In my experience Libra guys only really do the dating sight thing to get that safe female attention, it builds our confidence back up when were not feeling to hot about ourselves. It rarely leads to anything actually happening. We know we could go out and get it if we really wanted to, he just wants to sit back and be who he wants without being questioned and analyzed the way everyone is when interracting with someone else in person.
Don't let him fool you, it isn't that he wants to not be in a relationship, it is that he doesn't know what he wants. I guarantee this, he is saying he doesn't want a relationship because it is the safest possible decleration in this situation. It's not that his head isn't in the right place so much, truth be told we can pretty much handle a relationship at any time, it is that he doesn't know where his head is at. If he jumped into things he would later probably panick and back out. So all of this back and forth is actually a good sign, as it shows he does care enough, and is interrested enough to put his neck out at least a little bit.
Well, regardless of weather or not it is exciting to him at this point, it has simply become a part of the rutine he fell into likely from being lonely and fearful of in person human contact at the same time. It is a part of his wall right now, it allows him to interract with other girls on his terms, it is safe because it is likely to lead to nothing. In my experience Libra guys only really do the dating sight thing to get that safe female attention, it builds our confidence back up when were not feeling to hot about ourselves. It rarely leads to anything actually happening. We know we could go out and get it if we really wanted to, he just wants to sit back and be who he wants without being questioned and analyzed the way everyone is when interracting with someone else in person.
Don't let him fool you, it isn't that he wants to not be in a relationship, it is that he doesn't know what he wants. I guarantee this, he is saying he doesn't want a relationship because it is the safest possible decleration in this situation. It's not that his head isn't in the right place so much, truth be told we can pretty much handle a relationship at any time, it is that he doesn't know where his head is at. If he jumped into things he would later probably panick and back out. So all of this back and forth is actually a good sign, as it shows he does care enough, and is interrested enough to put his neck out at least a little bit.
Thanks Nic, that makes sense yet again...sheesh, you sure you don't know this guy personally??? LOL. Actually it makes perfect sense if I think about the other things he says and does....thanks again ...now where are all those other pics???
...now where are all those other pics???Nic...even at work though??? several times during the day?? seems a little odd but then again I guess Im doing the same thing here!!! I know that he chats to a few women in the UK - they are friends he's chatted to for a long time now...guess it could be harmless stuff and they might help eachother out r/ship wise (advice, yada yada) as we do here and being online during the day perhaps might be the only time they are on (given the time differences)...I dunno but your description sounds plausible.
Yes he has been "chatting" since August, 2005 and guess you're right, it was a while after he split from his ex and perhaps got lonely and was/is doing exactly as you write above. And uh huh he could most certainly go out and pick up at anytime...he's a bit of a chick magnet (not that he'd know what to do as he's so shy and stuffs it up with drinking too much when he goes out)...a bit of a worry actually!!
Pity he's in such a bad way....but yes I will be patient and give him the benefit of the doubt he's just wasting time at nights - at least he's not out I guess
Hmmmm ok back to the fun!!
Yes he has been "chatting" since August, 2005 and guess you're right, it was a while after he split from his ex and perhaps got lonely and was/is doing exactly as you write above. And uh huh he could most certainly go out and pick up at anytime...he's a bit of a chick magnet (not that he'd know what to do as he's so shy and stuffs it up with drinking too much when he goes out)...a bit of a worry actually!!
Pity he's in such a bad way....but yes I will be patient and give him the benefit of the doubt he's just wasting time at nights - at least he's not out I guess
Hmmmm ok back to the fun!!
"they are friends he's chatted to for a long time now...guess it could be harmless stuff and they might help eachother out r/ship wise (advice, yada yada)"
Well weather I am right or not one thing is for sure, this sentence right here shows that you have the perfect attitude about what is going on. You are obviously really mature about this just from everything you have talked about so far but this goes above and beyond. Having that kind of atitude is a virtue and it might be exactly what he needs. I must say I am impressed.
Well weather I am right or not one thing is for sure, this sentence right here shows that you have the perfect attitude about what is going on. You are obviously really mature about this just from everything you have talked about so far but this goes above and beyond. Having that kind of atitude is a virtue and it might be exactly what he needs. I must say I am impressed.
awwww thank you
One thing this man has taught me (well actually you guys have by helping me understand to a certain degree about HIM) is patience and seeing things in more than one light....that can only be a GOOD thing as I did have a bad habit of seeing things only my way up until recently *blushes*
One thing this man has taught me (well actually you guys have by helping me understand to a certain degree about HIM) is patience and seeing things in more than one light....that can only be a GOOD thing as I did have a bad habit of seeing things only my way up until recently *blushes*
I think its made me a better person and his presence in my life has enhanced who I am even though Im totally confused about the r/ship (if there is in fact one) just by him being around and showing me a different way to life than I was used to with other men....its all good
Well that is good, especially seeing as how the underlying motive for the Libra male is to enlighten the world and those around him. Kinda makes sense now huh?
yeah clear as mud LOL....nah its all good - Im a very keen learner too!!
OK for the umpteenth time I've checked those sites and several times he was online during those times....grrrrr@me for doing it - there goes the maturity nic was on about before LOL. I know he's been doing it way before and since we've been together but today its eating at me!! Nothing til now has come of it so why today does it bother me?? blasted hormones, might have to go and smack my head against the wall instead......gawd is all I can say....how stupid of me....Im a grown and mature woman and here I am worrying about a guy going on singles sites day in day out (even though this has been explained to me thank you Nic)....why am I hanging around??? god only knows and here I am spending all day on this site.....ok Im making myself crazy!!!! Must be time to go grab some chocolate!!
This guy had better be worth it or Im gonna start looking for other women instead LOL...just kidding guys - Im so not going there!!! Not that there's anything wrong with that - oh Gawd foot in mouth disease big time *giggles*
This guy had better be worth it or Im gonna start looking for other women instead LOL...just kidding guys - Im so not going there!!! Not that there's anything wrong with that - oh Gawd foot in mouth disease big time *giggles*
Good morning all .
Well just reporting in and saying:...WHAT A NIGHT~! woooohooooo
Ok back to work LOL
.Well just reporting in and saying:...WHAT A NIGHT~! woooohooooo
Ok back to work LOL
beer and chocolate Huh?? hmmmm not sure about that but I'll take your word for it LOL.
well I'll give it a go.
WEll I've been a naughty little Chatz....sent a seductive text to him - got bored at work so well enuff said lol....he came back with some naughty stuff and "when can we catch up? don't want to wait til next Thursday" to which I answered "didn't you say the other day good things come to those who wait?" and yada yada....he replied back less than a minute later...."I'll wait but I don't want to"....LOL....this is fun!!!
WEll I've been a naughty little Chatz....sent a seductive text to him - got bored at work so well enuff said lol....he came back with some naughty stuff and "when can we catch up? don't want to wait til next Thursday" to which I answered "didn't you say the other day good things come to those who wait?" and yada yada....he replied back less than a minute later...."I'll wait but I don't want to"....LOL....this is fun!!!
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