Male Libra Problem : Need Insight

Scenario:
- I met this Libra man 7 years ago. He was 30, I was 29.
- We are now married (4 years in August)
- Since the very beginning, he has been VERY sexually reserved.
- When i pursued he completely backed away, it seemed sex occured only on his terms.
- He was very awkward with it and not at all adventurous when we did have sex.
- The first little bit of our relationship, i was really bothered by this. I tried to talk to him about it, but he became very nervous when i did and would leave the room.
- I got angry when he did this and he can not stand confrontation so communication was and still is difficult (although it has gotten slightly better)
- Walking down the isle at our wedding, i still had the issue of sex in the back of my mind. The night of our wedding, we didn't even celebrate it sexually.
- We recently went to counselling, where we were able to talk openingly with counsellor and in that session, he admitted that he doesn't need sex - he can take it or leave it. This is a problem for me, because i don't feel emotionally connected to him either. He can't open up with his feelings, he doesn't ever seem to have an opinion and he just keeps within himself.
- About 3 weeks ago, we talked again and i asked if he had been in a relationship before me, and he said no. I was somewhat shocked, but then again, not surprised.

On the flip side to this, he is very Happy go lucky, in the sense that he uses Humor to defuse a situation. We never fight (we may bicker) and we enjoy hanging out together. But there is no passion and slowly i am becoming more and more distant from him. He is trying very hard to connect with me, but i am worried it is too late.

I am not sure what to do, or how to handle this because he is such a great person and our relationship is not at all volitile. It is not a situation i have to get out of, but it is a situation that i feel is not fullfulling. Does that make sense?

Sign - ME : HIM
Sun - Aqua : Lib (core you)
Moon - Aries : Sag (emotion)
Rising - Virgo : Cancer (external you)
Mercury - Cap : Libra (Communication)
Venus - Sag : Virgo (love)
Mars - Sag : Cap (lust)

Ok, so just to clarify about his personality a bit.

Tell us about his personality when he is around people he knows and strangers. Does he like to go out a couple nights a week and socialize? Is he reserved in general? Would you say he is someone who acts confident in himself in his day to day dealings or someone who is more shy and contemplative?

How would you answer these same questions for yourself?

It is really strange for him to be sexually reserved and inexperienced relationship wise. The Sag moon does bring some more aloofness to an already somewhat aloof sun sign. But when it comes to the opposite sex it is typical for Libra males to have a lot of experience early on in life and for it to stay pretty constant throughout adulthood. It sounds to me like he is someone who was/is heavily affected by his upbringing or events that happened early on in his life and prevented him from becomming the outgoing and confident person his sign is known for.

I don't want to get it wrong though so I think we all need more information. What was the biggest pull in your relationship early on? Intillectual connection? Comfort? Desire? Or maybe a sense of guidence from one of you?

Are you certain he is sure of himself sexually, have you talked to him about his sexuality?

No I'm not trying to be mean but from previous experiences with friends of mine who eventually divorced from there spouses, the men turned out to be gay or bi-sexual, now I'm in no way indicating your husband is this way...so please don't take it this way. But since your speaking candidly I feel it has to be asked, it had to have crossed your mind...

I would have him if he's willing go seek medical attention to make sure everything is working as it should be. Has he done this?

oh my

Here is how it looks to me: you married a man who you aren't physically compatible with. You knew it at the time but did it anyway and now you are expecting him to fundamentaly change so your needs are met. You married his potential not who he was/is.

The thing is you are at your sexual peek and he isn't interested at all. A frustrating situation for sure!

It really comes down to who do you want to be. When you made the marriage vows, what did they mean to you?

What ways could you satisfy your sexual needs within the terms of your marriage?

***Here is how it looks to me: you married a man who you aren't physically compatible with. You knew it at the time but did it anyway and now you are expecting him to fundamentaly change so your needs are met. You married his potential not who he was/is.***

LS, took the words right out of my mouth.

Why did you marry him again— Sex - is a necessity. For a Libra male not to want it consistantly and be experimental with it is so far fetch to me - in all my experiences with them. They are very sexual and experimental all the time. Again, in my experience...
***the men turned out to be gay or bi-sexual, now I'm in no way indicating your husband is this way...so please don't take it this way. But since your speaking candidly I feel it has to be asked, it had to have crossed your mind...***


I must admit after reading your post tiki's comment also came to mind...

I know you have fun with him and you guys joke a lot, but isn't that what friends do? Intimacy sexually, emotionally and spiritually is key in a relationship... Those things are some of the key things that separate friends from partners. Wow is all I can say...

Oh, and Aqua/Libra is supposed to be the ideal combo... Gosh, he should just be honest about where this all stems from.

Some guys just have low sex-drives. Some women just have low sex-drives. That is just the way it is.

Nicodemos ... i like your train of thought. To answer your questions, he is very social. He has many friends and every Thursday night plays hockey and then goes for beers afterwards. He loves to joke around and apparently he was very shy as a child, but i wouldn't call him shy as an adult. He grew up in a Christian community and until around 18 he went to church every Sunday. I actually questioned him if he thought Religion has influenced him in this area of concern, but he says no.

As for me, i love to meet and be around people, but i wouldn't call myself an extrovert. I can be quite shy when i first meet people, but once i get to know them and trust them, i open up. I did not grow up going to Church ... in fact, there is very little i know about Religion other than the basic message, treat others as you would want to be treated, be kind to your neighbour, blah, blah, blah....

As for what brought us together. A common friend introduced us at a get together. We talked, we hung out a little - i saw a had a good heart, was warm & friendly. He was a "good" boy so to speak (no vices) and i had dated mostly "bad" guys in the past. I wanted stability & i saw stability in him. Since he doesn't share many emotions, i am not really sure what he saw in me at the time we met. I asked him in our recent conversations about this, if he thinks that maybe we settled with each other, because we were getting older ... and he said yes ... but even though that was true, he would not give up on us, because to him that would be a failure.

Why did i look past this sex issue and marry him anyway? ... Because, i didn't think in the "Big" picture it would matter that much, because we had found companionship that worked. Someone to hang out with and actually enjoy eachothers company. Also, you always here that after a while, sex naturally subsides and when this happens if you don't have a friendship in your spouse, eventually the relationship will desolve because there is nothing to hold it together.

You see that is the hard part. I worry that since we don't have the passion or desire to be intimate with each other (he never did and i am now there as well) that we are becoming just roomates.

I encourage you to find an urologist who deals in the problems of sexual dysfunction, you have to know if his lack of interest stems from low sex drive. Its the responsiblity of both partners to know from both perspectives what your dealing with and then once you have all the information you can base your decisions from that.

If he's perfectly normal in all aspects of his health then you have decisions to make.

its not fair to you to have to go without something you obviously love doing and its not fair for him to feel pressured to please you, there has to be a middle ground or your going to become resentful down the line.

I asked him in our recent conversations about this, if he thinks that maybe we settled with each other, because we were getting older ... and he said yes ... but even though that was true, he would not give up on us, because to him that would be a failure.

That response should answer all of your questions

Whoa! Thats all I gotta say

"he is very social. He has many friends and every Thursday night plays hockey and then goes for beers afterwards. He loves to joke around and apparently he was very shy as a child, but i wouldn't call him shy as an adult. He grew up in a Christian community and until around 18 he went to church every Sunday. I actually questioned him if he thought Religion has influenced him in this area of concern, but he says no. "

I was going to ignore Tiki and QS's responses until you replied and after this response, I must seriously question his orientation. Are most of his friends male? Libras have a mixture of friends, male and females. Also, I've read and heard that once a Libra male devotes/marries, he is that person's everything putting her needs in front of all others. Have you hung out with his friends? Any females in the group? Also, him having such a Christian background could be hindering him realizing his true orientation. Men and women do this quite a bit. Look at how long it took Ellen, Rosie, Anne Heche, Rock Hudson, Richard Chamberlain, etc. to come out...many stated it was because of fear of how friends, family and the public would view them.

Queenscorpio and Little_Sparrow ... your comments have definitely crossed my mind as well, many, many times. The Why? The How? The maybe he is Gay? The possibility of having too of high expectations, etc., etc. You should see the wheels turning!!

I don't know though ... its tough to judge someone for their choices unless you walked in their shoes. Believe me, in the past, i have been the one doing the judging ... now i never judge. This is a very tough place to be in! I'm sure it will all eventually work out though one way or another. I just need some constructive insight to help me keep my thoughts organized.

Sherob

You will have to know about Libra though that without force no decision will be made. We're happy to sit on the fence and live in our own little world. Do you know what I mean?

your situation clearly is going to take a huge amount of patience on your part, jus know that no matter what the outcome, your going to be okay and life has a funny way of making something that was supposed to be a bad experience become a grand learning experience.

Keep an open mind and be very observant, you will soon get the answers you seek.

Sherob,

Through the course of the relationship were there any lustful, passionate romps? Even if he is not really in the mood does he still get turned on physically? I can say I don't want it but my body is screaming something differently....Libra guys are usually easy to stimulate.

I'm not going to jump on the "OMG HE LIKES DUDEZ!!!!" bandwagon.

One thing I want to point out that was mentioned above is that Libra guys tend to have a lot of casual and at least a couple of female friends. The fact that he never really had a real relationship previous to you is suspect. But it is hard to tell what it means.

Heres the thing about Libra and Aqua....they bring out the air in each other even more. There supposed to be an ideal match, I have known some aqua girls and to be quite honest the level of attraction never went passed intriqued and curious. Libra guys can be very passionate and romantic, but they can be very detatched and emotionally cold as well. This is also very, very true for Aquas, both men and women and I think that they bring out that quality in each other as opposed to the carnal lets get it on quality like Libra and Scorp bring out in each other. On top of this when Aqua and Libra get together I would venture to say that they do so with a "purpose" in mind, a practical and idealstic purpose to be specific.

Now, if he is not repressing an alternate sexual preferrence I think the key is common ground.

Have you alwayse felt that the potential for lustful spark is there? Floating around but neither of you have been able to pin it down?

I think you need to find a common ground, a side interrest or hobby that you are both interrested in and do it together. You two are both so predisposed to having your own space and unlikely to be clingy that that the problem lies at the other end of the spectrum....detatchment.

You need to bond in an idealistic way. An external, outside of body kind of bond, that is why I am recommending a hobby of sorts. Both signs have a understanding of the esoteric so that would be something to look into.

I also think that you need to kink it up a bit. You need to work into the steamy. I have a feeling that you being an Aqua...you just turn on and then turn off sexually and have a strong sex drive, but are not necissarily sensual....more "like a guy". when you want it you want it and it is just sex, you need to explore the more raw and intillectual side of it.

Who is the dominant one in the re

Libra, yes i know what you mean.

The conversation i had with him 3-weeks ago i layed out again how i feel about things - we covered a lot of ground... it was a good conversation. From that, the following Monday, he surprised me with a trip to the Dominican - we went last week. This was his effort to try to reconnect or spark something. Its an effort i truly appreciated and we had a nice time, but it didn't change anything if you know what i mean.

Today he emailed me and asked me out for dinner tomorrow night. He is trying. These are things he has never done before. We have never gone on a trip before, even though i was always trying to encourage him to. He would call me a dreamer! Odd, isn't it.

What prompted this thread, is i see he is trying and making an effort, but i am feeling guilty because i don't know if i can find it in me to keep going. The insight from here will hopefully "kick" me into gear one way or another.

I might try comming onto him in an aloof sort of way. Get his mind going, that is the sex starts with us, and it should be the same with you. Spontinaity and playfulness are key here. Being naughty so to speak, but don't do it with an underlying tone of needy. Like you need sex, we like it when someone has a take it or leave it air, it makes us push for it. Like a car teatering on a cliff, unable to decide if it wants to right itself or fall off, we have a curiosity to just give it a shove and push it over the edge.

Try things like walking through the house once with your shirt off, acting like nothing is out of place. Jump in the shower with him but don't start playing with him, just take a shower too, then when he is rinsing his hair or otheriwise destracted make a playful grab at his man parts.

It sounds like he needs to loosen up a bit, so be playful in private. We do like the idea of getting caught and being secretly naughty in public but I don't think he is there yet.

Does he seem to show interrest or attraction to other women, do you ever catch his eyes wander or sneaking a peak at someone he finds attractive in public? This is common with Libra guys not because we want to have sex with them but it is ingrained in us to take in the asthetically pleasing around us. We appreciate beauty and can't help to look at it when it is present. Pay attention to his mannerisms in terms of attraction and play off of it.

There is some sort of repression going on here, but I don't think it is necessarily prefrence. He may have been heavily criticised by one or both of his parents for showing interrest in girls when he was younger. Something.

"What prompted this thread, is i see he is trying and making an effort, but i am feeling guilty because i don't know if i can find it in me to keep going."

Don't accept his effort with a feeling of dispair in the back of your mind. He can read it, most people can and it is going to stifle any progress that either of you are attempting. If you have doing that look at it this way:

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by just having blind faith in your ability to spice things up. I mean, it sounds kind of dreamy and all that but when it comes down to it it is only you and him in your marriage, so why not.

Sherob

I just had a look at his chart and my mercury, mars and venus are alike those of your husband.

I can be very cold. Very self preserving. Very not attracted to you and also very distrusting. Once i have up my mind about a partner it does not reverse (e.g. bad does not become good again). Mars makes me desire money and power in the long run and I am happy to sacrifice for that on the ground. Micro is overlooked, macro is focused on. Also Libra is destination, not journey.

Virgo is ice and tree trunk (as I call it) - refuses to move. Also I don't focus on other's feelings.

What does not help is that you as a fellow air sign does not bring out emtoion and softness, so he is not getting in touch with his own emotions (=feelings). You don't push that he cannot invoke it on his own.

Just some thoughts...

Sherob

I just had a look at his chart and my mercury, mars and venus are alike those of your husband.

I can be very cold. Very self preserving. Very not attracted to you and also very distrusting. Once i have up my mind about a partner it does not reverse (e.g. bad does not become good again). Mars makes me desire money and power in the long run and I am happy to sacrifice for that on the ground. Micro is overlooked, macro is focused on. Also Libra is destination, not journey.

Virgo is ice and tree trunk (as I call it) - refuses to move. Also I don't focus on others' feelings.

What does not help is that you as a fellow air sign do not bring out emtoion and softness, so he is not getting in touch with his own emotions (=feelings) through you. You don't push that particular button and he cannot invoke it on his own.

Just some thoughts...

Sherob, read the sesond one...

"Why did i look past this sex issue and marry him anyway? ... Because, i didn't think in the "Big" picture it would matter that much, because we had found companionship that worked. Someone to hang out with and actually enjoy eachothers company. Also, you always here that after a while, sex naturally subsides and when this happens if you don't have a friendship in your spouse, eventually the relationship will desolve because there is nothing to hold it together.

You see that is the hard part. I worry that since we don't have the passion or desire to be intimate with each other (he never did and i am now there as well) that we are becoming just roomates. "

I have been in a relationship like this for that very reason, trying to be more pragmatic about the things that are important in a relationship. But, what I realized is that while yes the sexual aspect of the relationship may change over time, there is a crucial bond and intimacy level developed from that part of a relationship that remains and cannot be obtained from anywhere else. That bond and intimacy level is truly what seperates the relationships with partners and those with friends / roommates, and it cannot be faked. Unless the two of you can get past this soon, I fear that you will forever be just "friends"... You, and everyone, deserves more than just a "friend" in a relationship of this kind. You deserve a partner...


"The maybe he is Gay? "

I don't necessarily agree with this suggestion. I would veer more towards something in his past inhibiting his sexuality more than the gay card. He sounds sexually repressed, not necessarily gay. I have been in a relationship with a man that eventually, several years later, turned out gay. He would have never been able to be described as sexually repressed (in retrospect, certainly confused, but not repressed). Discussing feelings, sex, sex issues, so on and so forth was not something he was uncomfortable with. He wasn't very good (actually, he sucked, and not in a good way), but the relationship wasn't lacking (physically) in the sex department. In fact, I think that the man would have killed himself rather than repeat the words that he could "take it or leave it" about sex.

Granted, not all men are the same, and I doubt all unknown gay men are the same... LOL! But, when I was reading your first post, the thing that came to my mind was not that he might be gay, but that the was emotionally "traumatized" in regards to sex. Not that he was raped or something, but that something emotionally wounded him that he associates with sex, more than likely something that he would need to seek professional help alone on.

Just my thoughts...

Sherob

Another one is that reputation is everything. Sacrifices are made for reputation.

(sorry - it's a long list)

* i have been the one doing the judging ... now i never judge.

Everyone judges. You are judging us for judging you. 😉

I am not saying anything bad. I am trying to get you to think long-term about who you want to be and what you will be proud of yourself for doing long-term.

I think he just has a low sex-drive. I don't think it is a big deal or a question of his masculinity. I do think it is a problem for you though.

I think your attraction for him is waning. It is really about what you want to do about it.

erectile dysfunction and the drugs for erectile dysfunction don't help low sex drive.

a urologist will find out if he has erectile dysfuntion.

it seems 2 people came together for certain specific reasons and now the very reasons that brought them together is getting in the way of the relationship, this begs for a shaky foundation.

He had a low sex drive before she married him and now she tries to figure it out *shakes head*

this is a tricky issue

Libra, Nicodemus & Alcheme, your thoughts and comments have really helped - direct and constructive. You have all given me a different way to look at this and i think it has helped me a bit to "organize" my thoughts. Re-thinking again, i believe you are on to something about him just being sexually repressed for some reason. I agree that this is more the issue and it's not just a low sex drive. He doesn't even feel comfortable talking about sex or different pleasures. Also, if we do have sex on the rare occasion he can't look at me - He gets embarrassed and starts asking me about my day. The last time he did this i got really mad.

Anyhow, thanks for all your comments. I don't know if i have come to any conclusion but it has helped to talk it all out.

"Also, if we do have sex on the rare occasion he can't look at me - He gets embarrassed and starts asking me about my day. The last time he did this i got really mad."

Yeah see, something killed his confidence. Do you stroke his ego in bed or sexually at all? Tell him he is sexy....that you can't control yourself and the like? If so how does he respond to it?

I think some professional help would be in order here. Something is holding him back and it sounds like it is in his head. Do you think he would agree to this? I would recommend seeing someone who will see him and you seperately, and then together....but I am not a professional.

***I think some professional help would be in order here. Something is holding him back and it sounds like it is in his head. Do you think he would agree to this? I would recommend seeing someone who will see him and you seperately, and then together....but I am not a professional.***

Couldn't agree more.

I agree with you both. We have been to marriage counselling but not to a sex counsellor - maybe that would help. I have to admit, i have become resentful and as such, i have lost the energy to stroke any ego's. I am probably just as much to blame. I pursued, got knocked down over and over, made excuses, never seriously talked about it, let the walls build and here we are!

Thanks again you guys. You've made a lot of sense and valid points. Honestly, i appreciate it.

I think its the pride factor what has build the wall. It is possible that he has a feeling you want to be in control. Often happens with libra-aqua relationship. Twist yourself other way around and make some space for him. He will dance around if you make the right atmosphere.

Hopefully he agrees to sex counseling, I say this because a Libra who doesn't want to "on the couch" will tie a psychologist in knots like a cat with a ball of yarn. I know because I have been there. Like Good Will Hunting.

Speaking of, thats an awesome movie.

lolz... i know wat exactly u mean nic. 😄 Libran's can be a psychologists nightmare.

I also know what you mean - this is hilarious, lol

But equally then you're making the classical mistake in thinking that the psychologist is going to give you the answer - they don't. You keep talking and that's how the truth comes out.

Also, I can see how all of us Librans turn this into an art where we keep throwing the psychologist off by giving them noise as well as essence, just for kicks. We're so mean.

a libran mean— come on!!! LOL

I wont talk. I will make him talk. May be council him and make him feel good. 😛

At your expense? That's not very clever...