Trouble with Confrontations

This topic was created in the Libra forum by yattayattahey on Sunday, October 16, 2005 and has 31 replies.
Any other Libras have a difficult time when it comes to having to face off with someone?
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It can be a bit crippling, I end up stuck doing things and going along with things that I totally disagree with in the name of "keeping the peace". And I end up kicking myself for it as well.
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Yes it's incredibly annoying. It "wrecks my area".
But unfortunately, it became a habit to back down on the little things that weren't worth arguing over, then I let bigger things go, and finally ended up in a real mess. Now I can't speak up for myself at all, at the times when I should. Instead I let things mount up and mount up until I finally blow my gasket, not a good way to be.
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hehe, oh well, I need to work on that aspect. I've heard it's pretty classic "Libra".
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sort of...especially when I actually know I am wrong, otherwise (if I am the one right/blameless) it's not as bad...sometimes I take extreme measures to avoid confrontations like walk down a different hallway or get other people to do the confronting for me, I think all libras have this problem to some extent.
smile
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I call it the quiet disagreement, you can tell they disagree, they might even say a word or two, but that's it.
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Discussion is not confrontation. I would never tolerate confrontation in an intimate relationship, i want complicity, not a debate team.
Otherwise, i avoid confrontation because i'm usually disappointed in other people's stupid opinions. I'd rather not hear their arguments.
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We're soulmates. You're hot and i'm horny, perfect match.
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I just say what i can tolerate, and what i won't tolerate, and that's it. I don't need to discuss and compromise, i know who i am and i'm interested in knowing the other person, i don't step on toes and i don't want to be stepped on. Issues are usually created so that there is something to fight about, they aren't real.Most people want to make a fuss or confrontation because they know the relationship sucks and they don't want to admit it and call it quits, so they try to start fights. It's quite silly and ugly.
Staying quiet is not even a short term solution, it's being a carpet.
And stop being so dramatic, i only like it when i'm the one doing the drama.
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OFA, discussion means no one is trying to "win", it's just an exchange without goal, except maybe learning about the other, right? That sounds healtier.
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AND I'M NEVER WRONG!
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I would really hate to have to rely on other people to point out my weak spots. If you don't see them yourself, others could take advantage. My "wife" could tell me that she doesn't like it when i'm drunk so i wouldn't get drunk when she's around. Is that confrontation?
It's so lame to get married and try to change the other person afterwards, your exemple sucks even though that happens all the time. She knew you and she chose to marry you the way that you are, she should shut the fuck up.
I live in my dreamworld, btw, and i'm not about to join that crappy place you people call the world, i'd go mad and kill everybody.
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I have no problem with confrontaion or speaking my mind normally. I do find however, that ending a relationship at times, is a problem that I seem to avoid at all cost. I can have very frank discussions with my partner and have very good boundries, but with some men, I just want to run. Truevenusian has a good point, when I feel I am wrong I have a hard time with confronting someone. I have no problems making amends when I am wrong, but ending a relationship with no excuse is difficult. How do you tell someone, hey, I really dont like you anymore, not sure why, just dont. If anyone has any suggestions, that would be great.*S* I happen to be going through that at the moment. Good topic yattayattahey.
Sunshine...
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"I've never tried to change anyone nor have I expected to. Its time people learn to accept others for who they are."
Yes OFA, that is exactly right. When I was younger that is what I would have wanted, now I accept the fact that we are different and have different needs. If we are not compatable then I just move on, Id rather be alone than struggling to make something work. People should never be something they are not.
Sunshine...
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Oh I don't disagree quietly, I do discuss things. But I guess I do it in such a "diplomatic" way that people miss my point altogether. And then it's back to the status quo. I have a really bad time with being assertive, or being assertive enough to actually be taken seriously when I am trying to deal with any particular issue that is bothering me.
I try to take care of these things when they occur as calmly and peacefully as possible, only to find my words fall on deaf ears, then when I feel a "confrontation" is in order. That's when I literally get sick to my stomach, knowing that I have to be more forceful.
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It's not that I can't do it, confront people, it's just that it goes against my basic nature so much that I avoid it and things usually worsen, or people accuse me of sending them mixed messages.
And I also get very resentful for being put in a situation like that, because if the other person had only listened to what I was saying to them in the first place, we wouldn't have to have a confrontation at all.
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Here is a good example: I am a manager of a retail outlet, and the staff, mostly semi retired people working part time, tend to treat the place like a leisure activity instead of a job, so I am constantly having to remind them of duties that are neglected. I try and do this as nicely as possible without accusing anyone or laying blame. And they ignore me. So I write a memo, and it get's ignored. Now I know who the worst of them are, and the only time I did actually confront them, and I did it quite gently, I thought........they were in the owners office in tears! And then it's back to square one. It's almost like I suddenly start talking a different language when I have to law down the law with them. This has also been the case in my past relationships. I think I speak quite plainly, but I seem to have trouble being understood. And then it always ends up with a "straw that breaks the camel's back" situation where I have to push myself to have a major confrontation or be steamrolled over again. Those times make me feel physically ill.
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*gets
*lay down the law
HAHA maybe I DO start speaking a different language. I am fluent in typonese!
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Maybe you shouldn't do it so gently, forget the diplomatic ways of the Libra for those moments and let go of your worry of offending them, give them a little shock, im not a Libra, i dislike confrontation too but every now and then somethings got to give.
Sometimes a good war sorts things out, like the 2 idiots who think they can take on the world at war games at the moment, its too late for those two, thier going to hell, but the rest of the world can benifit from the hell that they have created, some good will come from it.
Release your tension, an older cancerian guy advised me a few years ago that if you have something to say then say it and once in a while if it offends some people then so what, it can be dangerous to restrain yourself from properly expressing yourself fully, let it out, cant keep them all happy.
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You are right Moloko, no question about it, that is why I get so frustrated and down on myself for being such a damn wussy. But I literally get tied up in knots and want to HIDE when it comes to these things.
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Work is one area I have no problem with confronting someone. I did supervisory and managment for alot of years, being diplomatic is my forte. It took along time to get down the fine line of being nice and tough all in the same breath. I think when I was a counselor I learned to be maternal and tough. I treat my employee's like I do my kids, Im easy to get along with but you better be responsible for your butter. I do however, have a difficult time holding the niceness together when Im in a bad mood. Then it doesnt take much to set me off. Wondering what influence that comes from..LOL
Moloko,
Hello my friend, good to see you still in the Libra room. Guess you had a good time at the wedding? *S*
Sunshine...
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Hi Sunshine
Hope your well, ive not been to the wedding yet, still got that to look forward to.
Moloko
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Moloko,
Sorry about that, I could have sworn it was last weekend. Well its good to see you here anyway.
Sunshine...
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smile No worries, ive been shopping today for a few new bits and bobs before the coming wedding, trying to look my best.
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I will give my standard Libran response of .... it depends. :-)
I am like Sunshine in this. I do not have a hard time confronting someone at work especially if it is questioning their appraisal of a situation or an idea. In fact, I can be quite aggressive and do not suffer fools well.
I also don't have a problem confronting friends but I am very forgiving.
If I am in love, much more difficult.
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Questioning an appraisal of a situation or an idea, I can be very bullheaded in that regard. Almost too much so. I have a problem with confronting people on their behaviour, neglect of responsibilities, etc...Things that they almost invariably take personally. It's very hard to get people to understand that it's just business.
And in relationships, thats much much worse. Despite bringing up issues that bother me over and over, I still get treated like a doormat.
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Oh I hear you. When feelings are involved it is much more difficult. In those cases, I do silent disagreement and float off elsewhere.
It isn't until the door is hitting them after being thrown out they realize I was serious. This is a HUGE problem and not one I have learned to overcome. :/
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"It isn't until the door is hitting them after being thrown out they realize I was serious."

In my case, they still don't get it. What the hell is wrong with me? I wish I could just come out and say "F__ OFF and Go Away!" Instead I try and be nice and stay on friendly terms while everything about the guy is making me ill.
Maybe it's because of the reasons why I quit the relationship just don't seem valid to many people? And I'm ashamed they will think I am "shallow"? And so I put on this front of conciliation.
I don't know, now I am just trying to justify being a wuss. Basically, I just didn't like how I was being treated and I didn't want to live with him anymore. I did say that, but apparently saying that AND moving out is not enough to get the point across. He still calls and wants to do stuff with me all the time, and being a wuss, I still go along with it ....sometimes (by stuff I mean, going for lunch and shopping, not...you know). I have even said "Get a LIFE! Go find your own friends!" So now you see, it's showdown time, I have to really put my foot down and say "This STOPS NOW!" and I can't get up the guts to do it. And I really really resent being put in that situation.
I think I need a shrink.
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LOL! Good luck yatta!
I am in a similar situation myself. I am trying to release the little Gemini into the wild but he doesn't want to go. It makes it difficult doesn't it? I wish I could put my foot down harder without squashing any toes.
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Kenny
I am not a lawyer but in my job duties do deal with the law a bit and our general counsel.
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Little Sparrow,
It's awful, isn't it? I mean, what more do they need to hear? Do we have to swear at them and throw things? I can't do that.
I think I am just going to leave things as they are, let him figure it out for himself, it is no longer my responsibility what he thinks or feels, and carry on my merry way Big Grin
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