Update on my Libra situation.

So I found out the guy I like is dating a whole bunch of other girls and has no interest in a relationship right now. I knew he wasn't looking for a relationship but I had no clue that he was talking to other girls. He was saying he had issues juggling family life and school, but I had no clue that girls were also in the equation which is a go figure. It's cool either way because that's him and I am not entitled to him. I just wish he was upfront to me about it since there were multiple times I hinted that I didn't want to an option, for I rather just be friends. In his case I can tell he is dating all these girls because he is bored, lonely, and want attention. I guess what I want to ask is despite all this I still want to be his friend (my definition of a friend because his definition is all kinds of fucked up) and I feel stupid because I am like he was kind of being all secretive so why would I want to be friends with him? The truth is I care about him, but right now I am keeping him at distance for real. Like I will checkup on him when it's like "Oh I wonder how he is doing." I also want to confront him about this situation because I want to tell him about himself in a caring way not a mean and argument prone way. Does this sound like a good idea?

@djbuck1 Yes it is which it's kind of funny because I got him a gift and the gift came then I found out about all this.

@tiziani I'm not saying this in a bad way because I just want to understand your point but how is this a bad idea if I'm going to keep my distance from him in the process of it all? I pretty much gave up all hope on us ever being more than friends after hearing this so my feelings for him in that way is declining.

@cluelescancer A friendship? I don't want anything he is offering in that way after finding this out.

Wow, I never saw this one coming. Good thing you were only his friend & not one of his girls. I think it's safe at this point to keep your distance. Well until you get over the shock & get a handle over your emotions. You don't want to sound like a jealous gf, confronting him will make you appear that way. He doesn't owe you an explanation to what he does in his private life, you guys are just friends, right? Keep it moving.

And use the journal you bought for him for yourself lol. Let his sweethearts buy him gifts.

Verse you'd have a better friend in a dog.

Cut your losses and no more gift giving, the gift giving screams of desperation and also being a friend with a guy who does not respect for you screams of desperation.

There is absolutely no reason to be friends with him.

You must want something and even that he probably doesn't want unless it comes with a side of booty on a plate.

Bow out with dignity. He's the one that loss a great friend. He doesn't sound as if he's done anything to deserve your friendship.

You're being unfair

Your expectations of him were too high & not indicative of someone you just wanted to be "friends" with.

Why would a man be exclusive with you if he's just your friend? People don't start getting exclusive or agree to only deal with 1 person unless things are starting to get serious & are heading in the direction of a relationship. He told you that a relationship wasn't the goal, but you kept your high expectations anyway, which is on you, NOT him.

He's not dating other women b/c he's alone or bored or desperate. He's single AND has told you that he wants to be single (so you can't accuse him of being dishonest or leading you on) & is mingling with who he wants to b/c he can & b/c that's what men do when they're single. There is nothing bad or wrong about that.

To be fair to men...once a guy tells you that he doesn't want a relationship, it's up to the woman to do her work too. It's up to YOU to make sure to establish boundaries & to pick up on anything that seems not genuine. You can't depend on him to do all the work.

Even had he not said he wanted to be in a relationship, the fact that he's dating multiple girls & those relations aren't going anywhere could've translated the same "Doesn't want a relationship" story to you too if you used your logic & wisdom to figure it out

Be honest, you no longer wanna be his friend b/c you know you're not gonna get the relationship out of it at the end of the tunnel like you wanted. Hey, if that's true, cool. Understandable. But to say that just b/c some guy who wasn't your man nor ever planned on being is not worthy as a friend all b/c he doesn't think it's your business who he has in his bedroom is unfair & unrealistic

Some people are only cool with "friends first" AS LONG AS they're sure a relationship will come out of it.

And others are cool with "friends" even if it leads nowhere, & they're still grateful b/c at least they came out of it with another new friend

Neither kind of person is in the wrong though

If he's just your friend & has told you from the beginning that he didn't want a relationship, you were na??ve to think that he was only sleeping with you. Always assume that the average man probably is talking to/dating/having sex with a couple of women. Nothing wrong with that. That's what being single means! It means not being accountable to just 1 girl/person like people in relationships are!!

You're taking it out on him all b/c YOU were being na??ve. If you can't be friends with a guy unless he wants something further, that's understandable but be honest about it. If a man is just your friend, why would it matter who else he's sleeping with? Not only is that not your business, but it shouldn't bother you

Don't ever expect to be the only 1 unless you're in a relationship with that person. Learn this wisdom & you won't be so disappointed in situations like this.

If you slept with 2 guys last week, I bet you he wouldn't have been ready to say goodbye to the friendship all b/c he's not the only guy. It's convenient that you only started questioning the friendship once you found out you weren't his only "friend," lol That friendship wasn't ever real to begin with. But it wasn't real, not b/c he is a bad guy but b/c you had unrealistic expectations to begin with, which of course was gonna lead to a big disappointment at the end of it all

Posted by tiki33
Verse you'd have a better friend in a dog.

Cut your losses and no more gift giving, the gift giving screams of desperation and also being a friend with a guy who does not respect for you screams of desperation.

There is absolutely no reason to be friends with him.

You must want something and even that he probably doesn't want unless it comes with a side of booty on a plate.

Bow out with dignity. He's the one that loss a great friend. He doesn't sound as if he's done anything to deserve your friendship.

Nope I don't want anything 🙂 I mean do have to write it out? I just want to literally be his friend but I am being distant from him in the process it's not like I am going to contact him like I did before all this.

Posted by tiziani

Posted by verseaufemme
@tiziani I'm not saying this in a bad way because I just want to understand your point but how is this a bad idea if I'm going to keep my distance from him in the process of it all? I pretty much gave up all hope on us ever being more than friends after hearing this so my feelings for him in that way is declining.

Because "telling him about himself" is likely going to come off as you lecturing him. People who tell others about how they could do a better job at being themselves are a dime a dozen, and real friends don't do that. He's not going to listen. I think it'd be braver for you to accept that you just don't understand him as well as you wanted to. He probably doesn't even understand himself that much either. When men don't have their life in order, they tend to handle all commitments of any form in a shitty way. But that doesn't mean they need someone to be the mother and tell them how they could be doing better. You let them figure it out for themselves and focus on you.

click to expand

Thank you for explaining and you are absolutely right.

Posted by krysrenee7
Some people are only cool with "friends first" AS LONG AS they're sure a relationship will come out of it.

And others are cool with "friends" even if it leads nowhere, & they're still grateful b/c at least they came out of it with another new friend

Neither kind of person is in the wrong though

If he's just your friend & has told you from the beginning that he didn't want a relationship, you were na??ve to think that he was only sleeping with you. Always assume that the average man probably is talking to/dating/having sex with a couple of women. Nothing wrong with that. That's what being single means! It means not being accountable to just 1 girl/person like people in relationships are!!

You're taking it out on him all b/c YOU were being na??ve. If you can't be friends with a guy unless he wants something further, that's understandable but be honest about it. If a man is just your friend, why would it matter who else he's sleeping with? Not only is that not your business, but it shouldn't bother you

Don't ever expect to be the only 1 unless you're in a relationship with that person. Learn this wisdom & you won't be so disappointed in situations like this.

If you slept with 2 guys last week, I bet you he wouldn't have been ready to say goodbye to the friendship all b/c he's not the only guy. It's convenient that you only started questioning the friendship once you found out you weren't his only "friend," lol That friendship wasn't ever real to begin with. But it wasn't real, not b/c he is a bad guy but b/c you had unrealistic expectations to begin with, which of course was gonna lead to a big disappointment at the end of it all

Okay let's make one thing clear I DID NOT SLEEP WITH HIM! I am not that type of girl at all nor did you need to associate me as one by jumping to conclusions like that. I know you don't know me from the sandbox but it's not fair to jump to conclusions like that. Second it's not like I started all this he TOLD me he LIKED me, he ASKED me for MY phone number, he ASKED me to got on a date, and he SUGGESTED many other things. Yet he didn't fall through and I think I have every right to be confused because it's not like he really clarified things and I am not the type to jump to conclusions just because he didn't either. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and he didn't tell me anything to let me know what's goin

Posted by WaterCup
Wow, I never saw this one coming. Good thing you were only his friend & not one of his girls. I think it's safe at this point to keep your distance. Well until you get over the shock & get a handle over your emotions. You don't want to sound like a jealous gf, confronting him will make you appear that way. He doesn't owe you an explanation to what he does in his private life, you guys are just friends, right? Keep it moving.

Yes we were HIS definition of a friend which was kind of messed up. Like he was telling me he wanted to kiss me, spoon with me, wanted me to sit on his lap, and romance me so it was very confusing. Then when we were in person he held my hands and hold me like couples did. However I told him from the get go I didn't want to be physical, which is probably why now that I think about it he didn't try to take me on dates like he promised. Again I am not the one who started all of this...he did. He pulled me aside, he told me he liked me, he asked me for my phone number, he asked me to got on a date, and he suggested many other things.

I am just feeling really defeated here because I feel like everyone is like "Oh you are overreacting" when I didn't start any of this nor did I ask to. I mean I just don't know what else to say...

One thing for sure is that I am keeping my distance from him.

Posted by krysrenee7
You're being unfair

Your expectations of him were too high & not indicative of someone you just wanted to be "friends" with.

Why would a man be exclusive with you if he's just your friend? People don't start getting exclusive or agree to only deal with 1 person unless things are starting to get serious & are heading in the direction of a relationship. He told you that a relationship wasn't the goal, but you kept your high expectations anyway, which is on you, NOT him.

He's not dating other women b/c he's alone or bored or desperate. He's single AND has told you that he wants to be single (so you can't accuse him of being dishonest or leading you on) & is mingling with who he wants to b/c he can & b/c that's what men do when they're single. There is nothing bad or wrong about that.

To be fair to men...once a guy tells you that he doesn't want a relationship, it's up to the woman to do her work too. It's up to YOU to make sure to establish boundaries & to pick up on anything that seems not genuine. You can't depend on him to do all the work.

Even had he not said he wanted to be in a relationship, the fact that he's dating multiple girls & those relations aren't going anywhere could've translated the same "Doesn't want a relationship" story to you too if you used your logic & wisdom to figure it out

Be honest, you no longer wanna be his friend b/c you know you're not gonna get the relationship out of it at the end of the tunnel like you wanted. Hey, if that's true, cool. Understandable. But to say that just b/c some guy who wasn't your man nor ever planned on being is not worthy as a friend all b/c he doesn't think it's your business who he has in his bedroom is unfair & unrealistic

Also I am pretty sure I said I wanted to be his friend after all this. Yes my feelings are a little hurt because hopefully you understand as to why with the other stuff I wrote to you. No need to jump to another conclusion about me not wanting to be his friend because of not getting a relationship lol. Sorry but you totally missed the point. I was mostly asking if it's okay to talk to him about himself which the user tiziani had kindly informed me on why that isn't an appropriate idea and I agreed after seeing what she has written.