Awakening breeds feelings of Suicide

This topic was created in the Metaphysical forum by VIRGOEXALTED on Wednesday, December 22, 2010 and has 10 replies.
I don't want to be rude so I'll introduce myself properly first, VIRGOEXALTED, or VE as I've been called....I actually can't believe my account is still active, but returning more to the problem at hand: After some very extensive meditation, I realized that opening most of my chakras was a breeze, all except for the Heart Chakra....VERY difficult to deal with, (not because I'm a virgo mind you) but becuase of the vulnerability it brings, and the weakness it engenders to me....this modern world has no place for a broken/wounded heart, or a softened outlook, we all have to have the strength to withstand opposition, of all kinds, but lately my 'feelings' have been 'whispering' to me thoughts/feelings of suicide that are ABSOLUTELY ridiculous....I thank God for a rational mind, otherwise I might of offed myself alredy.
I am very calm, and rational, yet these feelings are driving me to 'terminate'....to 'return home'....I have no understanding of this at all, This isn't the 'tearful, cry for help' kind of suicide, but the 'In order to go 'HOME' I have to leave this body' kind of suicide....I feel so distant from people now adays it doesn't seem so bad, I'm not afraid to die either....does this mean I'm ready? I just honestly don't understand where this 'death wish' has come from.... I'm a college student, and i have so much to look forward to, so that is not an option I'm willing to entertain....has anyone experienced this, and overcome these feelings? Thanks for your input guys!! smile
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I'm here guys! I should clarify myself; they aren't voices in the sense that they are auditory, and I am hearing them, but an 'overload' of emotions that I 'feel' are telling me to 'return home'....if you have ever felt a sense of 'home sickness' this is that feeling....I want to go home, this world doesn't seem to be 'home' and I want that feeling...perhaps never knowing what that feeling was in the first place is the root of all this: I've lived in a HOUSE all my life, but not a home...I suspect that the detachment that I've experienced from anything that resembles a "homely" environment has quite a bit to do with this....??? But It feels 'deeper' than that....it feels like I'm apart of some 'cycle' and this 'cycle' only continues as a result of the choice I make to remain....but I cannot say it would be any 'better' to leave this life behind....
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Wounded Bird, your definitely onto something: Now that I actually think about it, I've never been allowed the option of 'reaching out' and someone being there to lend a hand, and offer support, saturn was always a stern task master....forever having the say so as to what I was allowed to have, or not have....
I learned early on in life (as often the hardest lessons to unlearn in life are our first) that no human being, (so long as they were falible) can offer the solace that I needed: not my mother, not my father....and it was then that I learned what it meant to be an individual, and to be alone: to respond to my own hurt feelings, my own lonliness, and my own growing pains; I couldn't scream, or cry loud enough to make a difference, so I lost my voice...it did me little in the way of good anyway, so I just stopped looking out ward because I had known that people were not to be relied upon. I became knowledge, and power hungry, I studied martial arts obsessively, and I read about medicine, psychology, genetics, etc.....all of which brought me to this moment....with all these things I can do, and know, I'm still subject to a force that can cause me greater pain still.....I litterally turned my emotions off, and have since fell numb, and completely detached from all emotion....it's as if this 'movie' plays in, and out, and I've
and however ironic it was that out of understanding those falicies in humanity, I hadn't learned to show myself the same compassion that I had sought, but instead I learned a very deep compassion, not pity, but compassion for others that remained with me, but disallowed me to ask others to 'take care of me'....it seem as if I was too large a burden, and that I was only in the way....I had to be strong on my own as a result....I figured that could be achieved by not wanting anything at all...
I'm always in control of myself emotionally, but even that seems not to be working.....people find it scary...self-sufficiency; but I don't know any other way to be, it would be as if you asked me to be helpless, when I know that I'm not....what good would it bring...?
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When a person has to 'survive' life, rather than 'enjoy' it or 'live' it, it becomes a battle field....all the joy people see in things I see a potential 'trap'....I litterally feel that the sum of my worth is for battle, and fighting....everything I've become is to be strong.....
I honestly can say, I am one person who doesn't know how to be vulnerable, and as a result people just avoid me becuase they suspect I don't care, and nothing could be further from the truth....I don't know how to say, 'I'm trying my best so that you DON'T have to worry about me, but instead I'll worry about you'....It's always being the one who cares, that in excess, can cause you to feel unable to be weak, or human....unable to heal when you hurt, but you must continue to give,and grin and bear it....
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Pigionpie its not an Illness he is a fucking Drama King
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Posted by VIRGOEXALTED
I don't want to be rude so I'll introduce myself properly first, VIRGOEXALTED, or VE as I've been called....I actually can't believe my account is still active, but returning more to the problem at hand: After some very extensive meditation, I realized that opening most of my chakras was a breeze, all except for the Heart Chakra....VERY difficult to deal with, (not because I'm a virgo mind you) but becuase of the vulnerability it brings, and the weakness it engenders to me....this modern world has no place for a broken/wounded heart, or a softened outlook, we all have to have the strength to withstand opposition, of all kinds, but lately my 'feelings' have been 'whispering' to me thoughts/feelings of suicide that are ABSOLUTELY ridiculous....I thank God for a rational mind, otherwise I might of offed myself alredy.
I am very calm, and rational, yet these feelings are driving me to 'terminate'....to 'return home'....I have no understanding of this at all, This isn't the 'tearful, cry for help' kind of suicide, but the 'In order to go 'HOME' I have to leave this body' kind of suicide....I feel so distant from people now adays it doesn't seem so bad, I'm not afraid to die either....does this mean I'm ready? I just honestly don't understand where this 'death wish' has come from.... I'm a college student, and i have so much to look forward to, so that is not an option I'm willing to entertain....has anyone experienced this, and overcome these feelings? Thanks for your input guys!! smile


VE maybe it is not physical death; it is death of the ego confused into physical death. I've heard that before awakening ther can be a lot of fear. You talk about coming "home", I guess that's coming back home to who you truly are. if you watch youtube videos of Mooji, gangaji satsangs, there are similar description. I know that with awakening to who you are, there is a energetic component, an expansion into everything and widening of the perspective which can seem like the death of the individual, the ME-entity.
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Interesting about how you see opening heart as exposing it to a harsh world. A snail will only come out of its shell when its safe. Basically you need to stop being in a harsh world then yor heart can blossom without retracting.
So the question is can you turn a harsh world into a soft world...of course you can. The reason the world hurts you is because of how you see it.
2 people being insulted........
person one experiences huge mental pain
person two is totally relaxed and amused
why is person one in pain? What is poking their soft heart? Its their own attachment to reputation (ego) and wanting to recieve love (ego). The ego wants everyone to be nice to it and respect it. The ego is just the sound of 1 word......'I' or me.it is letters in an alphabet. It is self importance that injures the heart
If the heart is focusing on others and not self importance no words can hurt you. They are just words. If you are focused on others when someone insults you you will be more likely to think stop distracting me Im trying to focus on so and so....rather than thinking who are you to insult MEEEE
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I find it annoying that people go beserk if someone mentions the word suicide...they assume you are mentally ill.
I feel we should de-stigmatize it, get it out there, talk about it, without making people feel like freaks.
You could be a non-mentally ill person with just no way out/no solution to a bad situation. What do they want you to do?
Stay alive and let things get worse - THEN get depressed and really mentally ill??
I am sure it would prevent some suicides if people could speak about it. They might find out that "hey - there is a solution." Sure they may not, but what is wrong with exploring the possibilities without making them feel even worse than they do already?
I've been on suicide watch for a buddy (he is an Aries too.) I live far far away, but he can't tell his family or friends who live closer because he would be classified as a nutcase and locked up. He is highly intelligent, not mental but lost his wife and is obviously distraught. Lonely etc etc. She was sick for years and it broke his heart.
Apparently he first rang some community hotline thing and they told him crap like of course you will meet someone and fall in love again - you have your life ahead of you blah blah.
How the FUCK does someone in a call centre know he is going to meet someone else? I was so pissed when he told me.
I tell him things like how it would break his kids hearts if he topped himself. FACT.
I'd find him and kill him again if he did it. FACT.
And that's how we get through it. I know he won't do it (now), but it is good for him to talk about those feelings in a safe environment. A non-bullshit environment.
He may die alone - I don't know, but I am not going to feed him some stupid line. Bullshitting people when they are at their most vulnerable really shits me.
End of Vent.
sorry - original post to long with all the quotes. Glad you are still amongst us IMWinking
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Suicide
Why talk about it just do it.
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I think it is good to talk about it..
You just have to be careful who you talk to.
A lot of people go apeshit if you mention the word suicide. If you are genuinely trying to find a solution to a bad situation that you can't find your way out of alone, getting tied up in a hospital isn't always the answer.

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