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Mar 30, 2012Comments: 1243 · Posts: 16617 · Topics: 170
Also, if I remember correctly, this bit is from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?
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Jan 07, 2009Comments: 305 · Posts: 14219 · Topics: 239
wow. very well made.
but pictures and the voice. twice work to do. guess I need a second round.
so who had the nipples first?
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May 25, 2012Comments: 122 · Posts: 5590 · Topics: 41
Loved George Carlin. Miss him too.
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Aug 23, 2015Comments: 69 · Posts: 2006 · Topics: 56
He made some good points. I think he was doing a little bit exaggerating and not considering that some (if not many women) choose to make things harder on themselves due to whatever trivial reasons but other than that, I'll give him a 5/10.
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Feb 11, 2010Comments: 252 · Posts: 38715 · Topics: 473
“Fundamentalist Christianity: fascinating. These people actually believe that the world is twelve thousand years old. Swear to God. Based on what? I asked them.
"Well, we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages? Twelve thousand years."
"Well, how fucking scientific, OK. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble there. That's good. You believe the world's twelve thousand years old?"
"That's right."
"OK, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?"
"Uh huh."
"Dinosaurs."
You know, the world's twelve thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, and existed in that time, you'd think it would been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point:
And O, Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in its paw. And the disciples did run a-screamin'. "What a big fucking lizard, Lord!"
"I'm sure gonna mention this in my book," Luke said.
"Well, I'm sure gonna mention it in my book," Matthew said.
But Jesus was unafraid. And he took the splinter from the brontosaurus paw, and the brontosaurus became his friend. And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch, O so many years, attracting fat American families with their fat fuckin' dollars to look for the Loch Ness Monster. And O the Scots did praise the Lord: "Thank you, Lord! Thank you, Lord!"
Twelve thousand years old. But I actually asked this guy, "OK, dinosaur fossils-- how does that fit into your scheme of life? What's the deal?" He goes:
"God put those here to test our faith."
"I think God put you here to test my faith, dude. I think I've figured this out."
Does that-- That's what this guy said. Does that bother anyone here? The idea that God might be fucking with our heads? Anyone have trouble sleeping restfully with that thought in their head? God's running around burying fossils: "Ho ho! We'll see who believes in me now, ha ha! I'm a prankster God. I am killing me, ho ho ho!" You know? You die, you go to St. Peter:
"Did you believe in dinosaurs?"
"Well, yeah. There were fossils everywhere. (trapdoor opens) Aaaaarhhh!"
"You fuckin' idiot! Flying lizards? You're a moron. God was fuckin' with you!"
"It seemed so plausible, aaaaaahh!"
"Enjoy the lake of fire, fucker!"
They believe this. But you ever notice how people who believe in Creationism usually look pretty unevolved. Eyes really close together, big furry hands and feet? "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks like he rushed it.
Such a weird belief. Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he's gonna want to see a fucking cross, man? "Ow." Might be why he hasn't shown up yet.
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Feb 11, 2010Comments: 252 · Posts: 38715 · Topics: 473
"Man, they're still wearing crosses. Fuck it, I'm not goin' back, Dad. No, they totally missed the point. When they start wearing fishes, I might show up again, but... let me bury fossils with you, Dad. Fuck 'em, let's fuck with 'em! Hand me that brontosaurus head, Dad.â€
George Carlin and Bill Hicks...there will never be someone like them.
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Mar 15, 2013Comments: 0 · Posts: 3979 · Topics: 6
I loved Carlin - definitely *not* one of the great philosophers of our time (if that was meant literally), but he was one of the most interesting stand-up acts IMO.
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Mar 30, 2012Comments: 1243 · Posts: 16617 · Topics: 170
George Carlin is the shit.
I was raised listening/watching his stuff. I don't think there hasn't been anything I've yet to see that he's done, so it surprises me that people are surprised he has these view points. His later years were him picking apart all the bullshit in society and day to day life.
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Feb 04, 2013Comments: 1 · Posts: 9186 · Topics: 179
R.I.P. to one of the most REAL people who influenced this world....loved him.
"Pro-life... these people aren't pro-life, they're killing doctors! What kind of pro-life is that? They'll do anything they can to save a fetus, but if it grows up to be a doctor they just might have to kill it? They're not pro-life. You know what they are? They're anti-woman. Simple as it gets, anti-woman -- they don't like them. They don't like women. They believe a woman's primary role is to function as a broodmare for the state. Pro-life, you don't see many of these anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uteruses, do you? No, you don't see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do! And you won't see a lot of these pro-life people dousing themselves in kerosene and lighting themselves on fire. You know, morally committed people in South Vietnam knew how to stage a god-damned demonstration, didn't they? They knew how to put on a fuckin' protest. Light youself on fire! Come on, you moral crusaders, let's see a little smoke to match that fire in your belly."
~George Carlin~
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Feb 04, 2013Comments: 1 · Posts: 9186 · Topics: 179
"Now, speaking of consistency, Catholics - which I was until I reached the age of reason -- Catholics and other Christians are against abortions, and they're against homosexuals. Well who has less abortions than homosexuals? Leave these fucking people alone, for Christ sakes! Here is an entire class of people guaranteed never to have an abortion, and the Catholics and Christians are just tossing them aside! You'd think they'd make natural allies. Go look for consistency in religion."
~George Carlin~
"..And speaking of my friends, the Catholics, when John Cardinal O'Connor of New York, and some of these other Cardinals and Bishops have experienced their first pregnancies and their first labor pains, and they've raised a couple of children on minimum wage, then I'll be glad to hear what they have to say about abortion. I'm sure it will be interesting and enlightening..."
~George Carlin~
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Feb 04, 2013Comments: 1 · Posts: 9186 · Topics: 179
"Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.†~George Carlin~
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Feb 04, 2013Comments: 1 · Posts: 9186 · Topics: 179
"Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong." ~George Carlin~
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Feb 04, 2013Comments: 1 · Posts: 9186 · Topics: 179
"So maybe it’s not the politicians who suck; maybe it’s something else. Like the public. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: “The public sucks. Elect me.†Put the blame where it belongs: on the people. Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? Where are these people hiding? The truth is, we don’t have people like that. Everyone’s at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. And complaining about the politicians."
~George Carlin~
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Feb 04, 2013Comments: 1 · Posts: 9186 · Topics: 179
"Here’s some bumper stickers I’d like to see:
“We have a daughter in public school who hasn’t been knocked up yet.â€
“We have a son in public school who hasn’t shot any of his classmates yet. But he does sell drugs to your honor student. Plus he knocked up your daughter.â€
“We are the embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed little nit-wit who at the age of ten not only continues to wet the bed but also shits on the school bus.â€
~George Carlin~
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Jun 25, 2015Comments: 744 · Posts: 2905 · Topics: 57
Saw him once a few months before he croaked. He's a genius and ain't afraid to tell it how it is. Some woman up front was talking on the phone during his performance. He reamed her ass out and said "Why the fuck are you going to buy a ticket to see me, then talk through the whole show? Someone slip a cock in this bitches mouth so shell shut the fuck up!"