Superficiality vs. preference

This topic was created in the Miscellaneous forum by enfant_terrible on Wednesday, January 25, 2012 and has 50 replies.
To me there is nothing more off-putting than a superficial person. I just hate suprficialities in all its forms, but we're all guilty of it, some more than others. So what is the difference between being superificial and having a certain preference?
I understand that we all have preferences, some of which we can't help. There are sociological aspects... biological, religious, enviromental even (let's not get into it too deep). But there is a difference between being superficial in a practical sense and being superficial because you can. I'll leave you to chew on that for a while.

As for myself, I dunno... every time I come across a person with "superficial preferences" I just find myself thinking, that person doesen't deserve true happiness. Am I too harsh?
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What is one person's object of desire may be another's cast off so there's nothing wrong with preferences that attract you they just do. It's when you stop there and do not go any further where you are being superficial. Superficial is that which is created only to live on the surface and be viewed on the surface. It's the reason for all the morning ritual preening that transpires by both men and women.

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You can bitch all you want about superficiality, but superficial talk is necessary if you want to break the ice and get to know someone. You cant just talk to a girl you just met about the meaning of life right from the beginning Winking
All in small doses, thats the best way smile
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i naw you mean enfant
the superficiality fades away with spirituality gain
those who lack spirituality are usually still children, but due to comfrotable living( i believe), some bathe in it so long that they never lose it.
too much is bad(to me), but its not for anyone else to say what they should or should not get
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There's a difference between superficial talk and superficiality. I don't think you're really following me here, BoomBoom.
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If you judge someone based on a superficial conversation, then isnt that being superficial?
Expand your horizons my friend smile
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I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT A SUPERFICIAL CONVERSATION. I'M TALKING ABOUT A SUPERFICIAL MINDSET.
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If someone has a superficial mindset, then isnt it to expect that this person does superficial talk too by default? smile
You fail to see the link my friend.
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Posted by BoomShakalakaBoom
You can bitch all you want about superficiality, but superficial talk is necessary if you want to break the ice and get to know someone. You cant just talk to a girl you just met about the meaning of life right from the beginning Winking
All in small doses, thats the best way smile


Really? I much prefer that someone want to talk about something deeper and more stimulating than the weather or something. Sure, start off with a "hi" first but I don't do well with small talk. That's when I get bored and walk away.
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Posted by ninjamu
Posted by BoomShakalakaBoom
You can bitch all you want about superficiality, but superficial talk is necessary if you want to break the ice and get to know someone. You cant just talk to a girl you just met about the meaning of life right from the beginning Winking
All in small doses, thats the best way smile


Really? I much prefer that someone want to talk about something deeper and more stimulating than the weather or something. Sure, start off with a "hi" first but I don't do well with small talk. That's when I get bored and walk away.
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Well, the point Im trying to make is that it is inevitable, one way or another..whether little or much..small talk/superficial talk does bring connections between people. From that point on it is easier to do the "deeper subjects"smile
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youre a gem, youre a master of small talk by DNA Tongue
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Posted by BoomShakalakaBoom
If someone has a superficial mindset, then isnt it to expect that this person does superficial talk too by default? smile
You fail to see the link my friend.


I guess you're simply too smart for me. Yes, superficial people 'do' superficial talk, but so do non-superficial people. What's your point?
Expand my horizons, you say? Exapand them for what? Superficiality? I think the expanding needs be done from the opposite direction.
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Posted by BoomShakalakaBoomWell, the point Im trying to make is that it is inevitable, one way or another..whether little or much..small talk/superficial talk does bring connections between people. From that point on it is easier to do the "deeper subjects"smile


Ok now you're really starting to get on my moody nerves. Who the fuck said anything about small-talk. There's nothing superficial about small-talk. I'm talking about superficial prefrences that people have, but that serve no practical purpose to them personally.
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enfant terrible, could you perhaps show us an example of what you mean by superficial?
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Posted by BoomShakalakaBoom
You can bitch all you want about superficiality, but superficial talk is necessary if you want to break the ice and get to know someone. You cant just talk to a girl you just met about the meaning of life right from the beginning Winking
All in small doses, thats the best way smile


true.
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Posted by westside
enfant terrible, could you perhaps show us an example of what you mean by superficial?


It's not really for me to decide, if you feel small-talk is superficial then sure why not. But don't say I said it! But for the sake of the argument here are some examples....
(1) Ok, you're this woman. You meet a guy who's working on an assembly line in some factory or a waitor at a restaurant or some other "dead-end" job. You really like him and the two of you hit it off from the start, but you can't get over the fact that he has no other ambitiouns when it comes to his professional life, while you on the other hand are studying to be a lawyer. He's happy with the way it is because he doesen't live for his work, he works to live. On his spare time he has a lot of hobbies, he likes to travel etc... let's just say he isn't the kind of guy who spends his time between the assembly line and the tv-set. He likes doing stuff, yet you can't get over the fact that he works in a factory.
My question is, why do you give a fuck where he works if he's making his own money? Ambitiouns in life aren't about where you work, it's about where you find YOUR happiness. Some find it through their work, they are lucky that way... others find it on their spare time through various activities.
(2) And this is the most pathetic one. A girlfriend of mine has turned down some really good guys despite that she loved their personality and looks, but couldn't get over some small physical detail that bothered her. And she's looking for "true love". Pfft.
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i see. yea the last 2 comments give pretty good detail. i only hear these type of things in my personal life from people who have a 'too good' attitude, or just rotten people in general.
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Posted by aquaj
Posted by westside
enfant terrible, could you perhaps show us an example of what you mean by superficial?



How was thinking the exact same thing. Define "superficial mindset"?
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Here's my little list.
Just to say i don't think some things are superficial which are usually labelled as superficial. For e.g. looks. Obviously the extreme is always a bad thing but caring about ones looks in this generation is important. Fact.
People obsessed with technology, such as phones, computers, iphones. You pay good money to watch a great film that takes x amount of time to make, and y amount of money to fund, and the assholes in front, behind, next to you are reading about what kind ham their friend is putting in their baguette, or trying to scan the empty phanta bottle into their iphone barcode app.
Dressing well is good. But paying 50 quid for "designer" boxers is just ridiculous. People who can only operate in relationships, and hop from one "relationship"/ dick to another. Slags. People who drive who don't need to. (But that's just me)Getting pissed for the hell of it. Enjoy it, sip it, relax, and absorb in the environment, people and tits. Don't go out at 10, down a pint of vodka, and regurgitate it at 11 because your mate txt you saying "lets get absolutely shit faced" because you had a hard time painting walls all week, or fitting in a sink. Young teenage girls all looking the same. Sorry love, but red hair just doesn't you. Having one type of preference in girls is just so shallow and boring. How about seeing the beauty in something else for once, and not just in the dimensions of her tits. Meryl Streep is fit as fuck, i would do her in a New York minute c'mooooooooon. Thinking with the grain. I really don't wanna hear you come from the site with all your builder buddies and hear you rant about all the foreigners aka "pakies" ruining this country. And if you are, please back it up with appropriate and convincing arguments. The same goes for hating all students because there... well, students. Homophobia is very superficial behaviour. No need to elaborate there. Although this lesson is quickly learned when classy confident girls tell em' to fuck off with that shit. This means don't go on about how you like it when their cunt is really small tight, when the opposite sex is in
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Do live up to them MzSag? Do you have ugg boots and a poncho?
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@ MzSagittarius: That's true. Much of it is the society's fault, as I pointed out in the beginning. But still, I can't get over the idea that only emotionally numb people with weak characters swallow that shit. I'm not talking about the way you dress or what phone you carry with you, if that's an issue that determines whether or not you'll date a guy or girl then you're worse off than I thought... but I'm talking more about attitudes, as I suspect you are too.
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Posted by DominOo
Posted by AA
Do live up to them MzSag? Do you have ugg boots and a poncho?


must be with 30s style trousers and a rainbow scarf!
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I was gonna say WHAT! But then i googled and was like "ooooohhh yeaahhhh". Not too bad tho...? Not sure. But black legigngs still dominate.
Dude college has so many fitties it's just unreal. What's a guy supposed to do? If we were more more primal in nature, it would be a feeding frenzy! A buffet of potential perfect offspring! Instead it's;
Me : "woops you dropped your pen"
Potential mate for prefect offspring : (give or take the stoner eyes) "oh, ... thanks" (awkward moment)
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Posted by MzSagittarius

Posted by enfant_terrible

(2) And this is the most pathetic one. A girlfriend of mine has turned down some really good guys despite that she loved their personality and looks, but couldn't get over some small physical detail that bothered her. And she's looking for "true love". Pfft.


dogs and vampires fighting over you.
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*clears throat* Sorry what?
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OH it was a metaphor. My bad.
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like having Beiber's hair... wait?
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Posted by MzSagittarius
Posted by AA
Posted by MzSagittarius

Posted by enfant_terrible

(2) And this is the most pathetic one. A girlfriend of mine has turned down some really good guys despite that she loved their personality and looks, but couldn't get over some small physical detail that bothered her. And she's looking for "true love". Pfft.


dogs and vampires fighting over you.


*clears throat* Sorry what?


I KNEW you'd say something about that line. I know'd it. I know'd it.
Y'know, in Twilight... Vampire VS Wolves...
Don't act like you don't know either...
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I got it.
It's just your seriousness within it's context in your statement i found funny. Like you were saying Twilight is playing this massive mind fuck with us and trying to manipulate us into thinking it's normal to be bummed by vampires and wolves.
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Posted by MzSagittarius
Posted by AA
Posted by MzSagittarius
Posted by AA
Posted by MzSagittarius

Posted by enfant_terrible

(2) And this is the most pathetic one. A girlfriend of mine has turned down some really good guys despite that she loved their personality and looks, but couldn't get over some small physical detail that bothered her. And she's looking for "true love". Pfft.


dogs and vampires fighting over you.


*clears throat* Sorry what?


I KNEW you'd say something about that line. I know'd it. I know'd it.
Y'know, in Twilight... Vampire VS Wolves...
Don't act like you don't know either...


I got it.
It's just your seriousness within it's context in your statement i found funny. Like you were saying Twilight is playing this massive mind fuck with us and trying to manipulate us into thinking it's normal to be bummed by vampires and wolves.


That's exactly what I was trying to say. If you haven't had a vampire and wolf fight over you, maybe you ARE one of those hideous fucks...
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Nah i'm still not following.
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WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.
are you being serious? Are you seriously saying that that is what the current mindset of these young kids today? You ain't normal if a wear wolf (WHICH DON'T EXIST BTW) isn't fighting over you? Which just so happens to be a Vampire. (WHO ALSO DON'T EXIST).
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you had me at metaphor, btw. Just to let you know.
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Sorry alien you make some great points. Don't mean to un-bump your points.
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Posted by MzSagittarius
Posted by AA
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.
are you being serious? Are you seriously saying that that is what the current mindset of these young kids today? You ain't normal if a wear wolf (WHICH DON'T EXIST BTW) isn't fighting over you? Which just so happens to be a Vampire. (WHO ALSO DON'T EXIST).

little
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Well that just wasn't called for.
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@ alienation: Being physically attracted to a certain type of male or female does not make you suprficial... at least not in my opinion, so that wasn't really my point. But sure if that's your definition of superficiality then we're all superficial. I was talking about the trivialities certain people allow themselves to get tangled up in -- trivialities that in the practical sense should make no difference when it comes to love. I gave two examples earlies in this thread. Anyone who has the luxury to choose when and who to love cannot not possibly be in love. Not really.
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Posted by DominOoPhysical attraction is something that gets me started, it is not something that "keeps me". There is a level of superficiality that shows the level of ignorance someone possesses about the true nature of a person or the Forms in general.


Exactly!
Or let me take the mother of all examples. A size-queen finds an average-sized guy she really likes but decides that she needs those extra inches. So eventually she finds a huge guy that she likes and everything is suddenly right. Fine, it's her preference. BUT, what if THAT guy was average... would she really stay with him or would she have left him like the last guy who was Mr Right but unfortunately "only average". The moral of the story is that she likes big dicks and not the guys that are attached to them, so all her life she will be searching for the illusion of happiness disguised as a big dick. Wow, I think I've got something of an allegory going here Big Grin
Though I'm kind of split about whether or not this is "superficiality". I mean the girl loves 'em big, isn't it an acceptable preference? You tell me. I mean sure we have breast-fans among us, but unlike the penis breasts don't have a practical function, they are just there for our mental amusement ;D
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I suppose I'm fairly superficial by your standards. I dress the way I dress not because I'm comfortable, but because it gives me and edge over everyone else that "expressed" themselves. I jealously gaurd my image in all forms because its one very BIG way people pass judgement on you.
I wouldn't date a girl that worked at a factory either. Its not that I can't spot a good person, but my dreams/goals require money and I really can't afford to be with a person where I have to "pick-up the slack."
At the end of the day, if you're at work, school...in public, you're in an arena and there is a game to be played. Individual people cannot redefine the rules without being subject to the consequences. For example, if someone is wearing a trench coat and black jeans...they will be labeled a certain way. If a guy/girl is in their 30's and delivering pizzas, they will be judged and most likely it won't be favorable. If said person is operating within the sphere of what they want, great. Just pointing out the obvious...
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Posted by aliennation
Think of it this way:
You see an "ugly" person, and an attractive person.
You're equally clueless about them. They have equal potential to be what you're looking for. Well, if you can only investigate oneof them, the attractive person has already scored more points, and more importantly, yielded cues that you interpret positively.
To go a step further, let's say the ugly person revealed 1 trait you like. Whereas the pretty person revealed 1 trait you dislike.
Still, that does not even out the score unless the pretty person's negative trait outweighed all her beauty more than the ugly person's good trait outweighed all her ugliness.
By the time enough traits were revealed to even out the score, you've likely moved on elsewhere. Additionally, it'd be pretty extraordinary to have enough traits in succession to accomplish this.


QFT
See our presidential elections! Appearance plays a role in who gets elected. IE, Rommney has an edge over Paul in this department.
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@ alienation, what Satori said...... I don't understand where your radar is picking up double standards. I don't expect from others something that they cannot expect from me.
Posted by SatoriFierce
But I think Enfant's point was that as long as someone is paying their own bills and making an honest living, does it matter if the work isn't glamouros? Garbage men make a decent wage but lotsa women have problems dating them.

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Posted by DominOo
Posted by Awakened
I suppose I'm fairly superficial by your standards. I dress the way I dress not because I'm comfortable, but because it gives me and edge over everyone else that "expressed" themselves. I jealously gaurd my image in all forms because its one very BIG way people pass judgement on you.
I wouldn't date a girl that worked at a factory either. Its not that I can't spot a good person, but my dreams/goals require money and I really can't afford to be with a person where I have to "pick-up the slack."
At the end of the day, if you're at work, school...in public, you're in an arena and there is a game to be played. Individual people cannot redefine the rules without being subject to the consequences. For example, if someone is wearing a trench coat and black jeans...they will be labeled a certain way. If a guy/girl is in their 30's and delivering pizzas, they will be judged and most likely it won't be favorable. If said person is operating within the sphere of what they want, great. Just pointing out the obvious...


Well, dressing for displaying "who you are" is not necessarily superficial. There are elements to "playing the role" in what you wear. Not wanting to be judged in a sense of someone who you aren't is something that I also won't consider to be superficial. But based on the definition of superficiality, I can't really say what makes someone superficial or not. The diction is way too general and can easily be misrepresented.
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General indeed. And dressing for "who you are" is not superficial but what does that mean for those that do not dress for who they are? Superficial or playing the game?
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Posted by SatoriFierce
Well, if a person is that focused on superficialities it's usually just a symptom of much deeper issues at hand.
Like on that show Millionaire MatchMaker. Patty gets to the root of the insecurity of the nitpicky superficial clients who can never find anyone good enough. As wealthy people, a lot of them are in the spotlight, social climbers, and very image conscious. A lot of them were not born with wealth so they believe that their lives are works in progress and they are on their way to making everything perfect. They see their partners too much as reflections of themselves and are too afraid of what others think. A lot of them are arrogant due to their success and are blind or in denial to their own shortcomings and never stop searching for a perfect ideal that of course, doesn't exist.


A sweeping assessment, don't you think? I grew up on food stamps and am by all means, "hungry." But that doesn't mean I have some deep insecurities, rather I understand an empty stomach and not having "enough." I still wouldn't date someone that had financial aspirations. If they were doing what they loved and it paid little? Great, but that's not the person for me. You could say that like attracts like in this regard. Superficial? Maybe, but perspective does matter.
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Posted by Awakened
I suppose I'm fairly superficial by your standards. [...] I wouldn't date a girl that worked at a factory either. Its not that I can't spot a good person, but my dreams/goals require money and I really can't afford to be with a person where I have to "pick-up the slack."


Indeed, you're as supeficial as they come. And I don't know what kind of factories they have where you come from, but here a person can make a decent living working in a factory. In fact, they have higher salaries than the teachers... despite that teachers spend 4-5 year in collage!


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Posted by SatoriFierce
Posted by Awakened
Posted by SatoriFierce
Well, if a person is that focused on superficialities it's usually just a symptom of much deeper issues at hand.
Like on that show Millionaire MatchMaker. Patty gets to the root of the insecurity of the nitpicky superficial clients who can never find anyone good enough. As wealthy people, a lot of them are in the spotlight, social climbers, and very image conscious. A lot of them were not born with wealth so they believe that their lives are works in progress and they are on their way to making everything perfect. They see their partners too much as reflections of themselves and are too afraid of what others think. A lot of them are arrogant due to their success and are blind or in denial to their own shortcomings and never stop searching for a perfect ideal that of course, doesn't exist.


A sweeping assessment, don't you think? I grew up on food stamps and am by all means, "hungry." But that doesn't mean I have some deep insecurities, rather I understand an empty stomach and not having "enough." I still wouldn't date someone that had financial aspirations. If they were doing what they loved and it paid little? Great, but that's not the person for me. You could say that like attracts like in this regard. Superficial? Maybe, but perspective does matter.


I was talking about the people on the show who are nitpicky specifically, noone else. jesus.
But you're money conscious and you want to be comfortable and not have to ever struggle again. I get that.
I already said that everyone should carry their own weight. Garbage men and plumbers make a decent wage and many have pensions, 401ks. With their income they could do better by investing too. It just ain't glamourous and some people are bothered by it.


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Yes you were! Excuse me! I have a bad habit of rolling separate clauses all into one big sentiment. smile
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Posted by enfant_terrible
Posted by Awakened
I suppose I'm fairly superficial by your standards. [...] I wouldn't date a girl that worked at a factory either. Its not that I can't spot a good person, but my dreams/goals require money and I really can't afford to be with a person where I have to "pick-up the slack."


Indeed, you're as supeficial as they come. And I don't know what kind of factories they have where you come from, but here a person can make a decent living working in a factory. In fact, they have higher salaries than the teachers... despite that teachers spend 4-5 year in collage!



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Superficial as it may be, $ 12/hr doesn't cut it. I want to see the world and experience all things that come with it. That requires money because I damn sure ain't gonna backpack it. Conversely, you could be called judgemental? Not that I care or even know you, just flipping the script smile
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Posted by aliennation
Posted by enfant_terrible
@ alienation, what Satori said...... I don't understand where your radar is picking up double standards. I don't expect from others something that they cannot expect from me.
Posted by SatoriFierce
But I think Enfant's point was that as long as someone is paying their own bills and making an honest living, does it matter if the work isn't glamouros? Garbage men make a decent wage but lotsa women have problems dating them.




I was referring more to physical attraction.
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Yeah and? I never knocked physical attraction. I clearly acknowledged that we all have a type that we're drawn to in terms of physical appearence, I do too. So where's the double standard? As I said ,I don't expect from others something that they cannot expect from me. And FYI, unless the person in question is really un-appealing (or ugly, if you want) then I don't think that much about their looks.
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Before I hit the sack. Isn't English your second language Enfant? If so, I tip my hat to your mastery of it. Anybody that can argue/debate in a non-primary language has achieved a level of fluency.
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Posted by aliennation
So how is that not superficial? How can you fault someone for rejecting someone based on a single trait, if you'd reject someone for equally superficial traits?


I wouldn't. For starters I would never reject anyone based on where they work and how much they make. Secondly, I sure as hell wouldn't reject anyone based on some minor physical detail in their appearence that I found less attractive!
@ Awakened. English is my third language actually,lol. Anyway, you gotta ask yourself, does success mean a big palace you hardly get to spend time in because you're at work all the time; is success having two SUV's in the garage when you could settle for something less? I mean I've seen these Home Makeover shows where American families who live in big homes with big cars have the stomach to bitch about not being able to pay the bills. Couldn't you all just settle for something that you can actually handle? And don't Americans only get two weeks vacation every year? I'm pretty sure anyone can save up for those shitty two weeks. The wage for a factory worker in Sweden ranges from $ 14/h all the way up to $ 44/h , so I guess it's not quite the same as in the US.
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Posted by SatoriFierce
Of course we all have preferences and types, but I think the question is, would you deviate from them if you really loved someone? People who are superficial probably wouldn't.


You totally get my point. @ Alienation is way off, lol.
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People really only need to worry about being the best person they can be.
I'm not a tall guy. The last time I was measured--two years ago--I was 5'3". I think I've grown taller. I feel taller but it doesn't matter so much to me now. I can't count the number of times I've called out on, "superficiality". But eventually I realized inside myself...it was all from insecurity and jealousy. In truth it was all me. I was the superficial one--the one who cared too much for what was on the surface--what other people thought--what other people like--the one who hurt myself.
Superficiality can only exist in ourselves. When more and more people--a society--allow it to thrive within themselves we become clouded--confused by all the suffering and fail to recognize it within.
Physical and material shortcomings do not exist. Only, "like" and "dislike".
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Posted by ReinDeer
I was quoting on AA`s post.
"Young teenage girls all looking the same. Sorry love, but red hair just doesn't you. Having one type of preference in girls is just so shallow and boring."
^^^This. Why to care about what other people are wearing?
What`s wrong with dressing like all other people? I know I`m still different from anyone,so I don`t need so called "Classy" clothes to make myself feel better or different or anything.





There isn't. And you absolutely right, you are you and no one can change that, especially not clothes. But i was just saying it's a shame that girls feel they have to have Rihanna's hair or Gaga's hat (well, maybe no her hat) to fit in. Or JB's hair god forbid. (how does he get it so straight and stay in one place?)
But it's all good, cos it all turns out okay when they mature and realize this. Not mentioning the guilty "mature" adults here aka hollywood.
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Posted by Claro de Luna
Posted by SatoriFierce
Of course we all have preferences and types, but I think the question is, would you deviate from them if you really loved someone? People who are superficial probably wouldn't.


Yes, because love isn't superficial. I think that regardless of how superficial you are you will be likely to deviate for love. But the more superficial a person, if they are stuck enough in their superficial ways, the less likely it is that they are able to love .. at least as deeply.
You don't love a person unless you accept who they are inside and out, through thick and thin and carry on loving them when their appearance changes. If a change in someone's appearance changes the way you feel towards them, then it is not the person you loved, but merely their shell and the way your mind perceived it .. possibly in some twisted way as a reflection of yourself or the way you feel about yourself in some way or another.
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ooh that's a good one. (Satori)
Claro is right tho.
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And ReinDeer you seem really sweet and nice. So here's a couple sachets of salt... use it wisely.
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... and when i say use it, i mean on me. And when i say wisely, i mean a pinch.
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Posted by MzSagittarius
Posted by enfant_terrible

(1) Ok, you're this woman. You meet a guy who's working on an assembly line in some factory or a waitor at a restaurant or some other "dead-end" job. You really like him and the two of you hit it off from the start, but you can't get over the fact that he has no other ambitiouns when it comes to his professional life, while you on the other hand are studying to be a lawyer. He's happy with the way it is because he doesen't live for his work, he works to live. On his spare time he has a lot of hobbies, he likes to travel etc... let's just say he isn't the kind of guy who spends his time between the assembly line and the tv-set. He likes doing stuff, yet you can't get over the fact that he works in a factory.
My question is, why do you give a fuck where he works if he's making his own money? Ambitiouns in life aren't about where you work, it's about where you find YOUR happiness. Some find it through their work, they are lucky that way... others find it on their spare time through various activities.


Yes, you're right. HOWEVER, not everyone thinks like that. Like you and I both mentioned, its the society has conditioned the weaker characters. We're all supposed to go to college, have these big time careers, spend our money on a big house and fancy cars. Y'know, live the "American Dream"... By you, not really YOU, working at a dead-end job, it appears that you have no intentions of advancing yourself, and let's be realistic, if a woman didn't like where you were working, she probably wouldn't stick around long enough to get to know you. Some people are too impatient. No one values loyalty and friendship, it doesn't pay the bills.

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Gotta say...I agree with you.
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