Single mom in need of parenting tips!!!

This topic was created in the Parenting forum by MissD312 on Thursday, April 18, 2013 and has 9 replies.
I have a 9yr old daughter whom I adore! But I have a issue with my parenting skills. Being that my brother and I grew up in a single parent home I experienced a lot of I guess I would say Abandonment issues. Problem is I feel that I do the same thing to my princess. I dont know why but I am constantly wanting alone time and frequently pushing my daughter away. I always have said I dont want to be like my mother, who basically never spent anytime with my brother and I. Problem is I don't really know how to spend quality time with her. I know it sounds crazy, But I didnt have that growing up. So this is a rather diffucult thing to do.

So I guess what I am asking is can anyone share some things that you may do with your kids to give them that loving quality time that they desperately seek and need???. I dont want to wait until its to late like my mom has done! Now she seeks quality time with my brother and I and we can't stand being around her for two minutes! We arent close at all. I want that bestfriend relationship with my daughter that I never had with my mother.

Thanks for anyone with thoughtful, helpful tips...
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Posted by Mr. Defense
I'm not a parent, but have you ever just tried having a conversation with her? You know as a friend? Have her talk about her day, what's on her mind, etc? I don't remember having a lot of conversation skills when I was younger, but children now do. My landlord's 3 year old daughter once told me all about her day in pre school, and how a boy threw paper at her. Just try it, focus on being a friend, and I guess be a parent when discipline is needed. But you can take what I say with a grain of salt, as I have no children.

Thanks for your advice and that is a very good idea. I talk with her a lot about her day at school and try to help her squash little agruements she has with her girl friends. But I want to do a little more. Today I actually had lunch with her and her friends at her school. She was so happy! I bought her class lollipops and her really close girl friends goodie bags with lip gloss and nail polishes.
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Posted by greengemini
This is beautul, i love this thread and your honesty. I had a similar updringing as you so I know where you're coming from. I don't have kids but I've always had the pleasure of being around them most of my life. You received a lot of of solid advice here. I agree with mr defense, converasations go a long way with kids and they really do love it when you talk about they're day or whatever else is on their minds.
I also agree with sand...most, if not all kids have creative talent when they're young so having an outlet for them to express themselves will do wonders for their personality.
Just the fact that you started this thread speaks volumes. I hope you're not being too hard on yourself theres nothing wrong with wanting to spend time alone sometimes, how else are you going to recharge?

Well thank you! I am determined to get it right. I am not hard on myself at all. I just have the tendency to easily go to the norm of how I grew up. It has actually been hard to change this behavior but i am determined to have that bestfriend and mother/daughter relationship that I never had. I love my daughter so much I just want her to feel that I love her. I tell her everyday but I want her to KNOW it in her heart.
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Posted by sand
enroll her in drama class.

I may just do that! She is already in ballet, jazz, and tap. She has done gymnastics and cheerleading. But drama shall be next! Thanx for that advice
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@MissD312
I understand what you are feeling. I became a single parent when my daughter was 11 and my son 13. I took on enormous guilt because I felt like a failed - I had spent the previous year or so shutting down from the ex husband emotionally, distancing myself from him, and I didn't realize I was distancing myself from my kids emotionally. It is hard to shut down emotions on one side and keep them open on the other. After the divorce it too me a long time to feel.I made the conscious effort to drop the walls down and learn how to feel any emotion again and to help them. It was a bad marriage, bad divorce and then peace came.
My kid are 19 and 21 now. I have a good relationship with my son. He talks to me. I have a decent relationship with my daughter but we are not girly buddies.
She is a virgo - bottles up a lot. And She is a girly girl and I am not. So we have little in common.
What I did was find something with had in common and bond with that. Oddly it is our menstrual cycles. That means chocolate, ice cream and chick flicks. lol its also the only time she likely to get moody and yell, mostly at her brother.
I also try to get her one on one - usually that means shopping or oddly, bingo - lol she likes bingo.
And I let her help me - meaning I share stuff like, "I think things are over with xx, he hasn't called me today" and let her "help" with advice. It gets her talking.
Yet she still doesn't open up much about her. But when I find windows of opportunity I take them.
And I like my alone time. Sometimes I can be sitting on the couch, deep in thought and get annoyed when someone interrupts. lol
I take "me" time at the gym every night. I am away and they know not to bother me and I get to work out.
I find that if I share about me, and me at her age, and about girl/woman stuff, and share silly stuff or dumb stuff I've done, I've opened up a way for her to connect. But it is effort. When she went off to college last year, she could go days without calling me. And she stayed superficial in conversations. I didn't like it but I know she needs to come into her own woman. I was like that at her age and now I have a good relationship with my mom.
My son is so much easier for me. It is rare for him to go a day without calling me. When he didn't live with me, he called at least 3 times a day. Now that he moved back home he still calls me at least once a day, and we text often. My daughter only calls or texts on an as needed basis.
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the rest... I would say don't give up, look for opportunities and share.
And schedule your alone time. I had to tell myself you have alone time after they goto bed but when they are awake, be with them.
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The fact that you are aware and wanting to stop that vicious cycle speaks volumes...so give yourself props for that, mom. There is no wrong/right way for you to bond with your daughter, just find your own way. Doesn't matter what you're doing together - even if you're in the same room, but doing your own thing. Sit as close as you can to her. Put your hand on her leg, her head, whatever...just show her you are there for her. Just being physically around your child will make them feel secure. When my kids are watching tv, I love being in the kitchen cooking or piddling around. They see/hear me, and I'll comment on the show they're watching so they know I might be doing something else, but I'm well aware of what they're doing too.
But don't worry, sounds like you are well on your way...
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The fact that you are aware and wanting to stop that vicious cycle speaks volumes...so give yourself props for that, mom. There is no wrong/right way for you to bond with your daughter, just find your own way. Doesn't matter what you're doing together - even if you're in the same room, but doing your own thing. Sit as close as you can to her. Put your hand on her leg, her head, whatever...just show her you are there for her. Just being physically around your child will make them feel secure. When my kids are watching tv, I love being in the kitchen cooking or piddling around. They see/hear me, and I'll comment on the show they're watching so they know I might be doing something else, but I'm well aware of what they're doing too.
But don't worry, sounds like you are well on your way...
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It is normal to want to some YOU time. I think everyone needs or wants it whether they are parents or not.
I am a single mom, also. I get that way. Sometimes I just wait until my daughter is asleep to get my time. Or I tell her I need a few minutes and either go into another room or just bury my fave in a book/ TV while she is nearby. I have learned from being a mom that You time doesn't mean you have to be completely alone, just that you get a moment to not worry about others. I don't always get the time I need, but that's OK.
We have discussed over and over that just because I need time by myself that it doesn't change the way I feel about her or that I am upset. Just that I need a moment. It took awhile bit she understand better now. It is good to try to use an example of a time that she needed her own time alone/ not dealing with anyone. Talk about the way she was feeling at the time.
As for quality time, just make sure you are present. Don't allow yourself to be distracted. What you do doesn't matter as much as you giving your undivided attention, as much as possible anyways.
I applaude you for wanting to break a cycle. That is hard for some people to do. So keep it up. smile
Do you have any kind of support system? Someone that can give you a break? I don't go out often, but I appreciate any time that is adult only. My daughter sometimes tries to make me feel bad about it, but I just remind her that just like her, I like to hang out with my friends too. She gets over it fairly quickly.
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