collecting opinions :/

i'm stuck. i have this saggi/capricorn best friend and i think she's a user. it might not be intentional, but that's kinda irrelevant. she's draining me of money, time and emotions and i don't know if a) i'm overreacting or b) have unrealistic expectations of the friendship.

earlier this week, she stayed over at mine. there's certain things she likes to eat and drink so i told her i had to be careful with my money, she could stay another night? she said it was fine, and that whatever food shopping we did, she'd pay me back half, which i thought was fair enough.

she got some bonus money today and said we'd go out for dinner. i left the room, and when i cam back in she had invited someone else along too. 'i hope you don't mind?' i said, 'to be truthful i'd rather not come, not feeling too social today.' she THEN said, 'oh, that's ok. if she doesn't want to come, will you?' two things fucked me off there. she doesn't even like this girl. and, what am i, some back up plan? that annoyed me.

also, a couple of days ago she came over, saw a jacket in my wardrobe that i never wear, and is practically new. she asked if she could have it, i said sure i never wear it. then she offered to pay for it, i said naah. but she pushed it, so in the end we agreed ??5. i dunno, maybe it's a token thing for her, but...whatever.

back to today. no mention of the food shopping money, OR the jacket money. i'm disgustingly broke atm, and she knows it...so what?? i have to force the money from her? when she's in money up to her eyeballs? when i bail her and her mum out whenever needed...don't know how to approach it with her. i HATE banging people over the head when they owe me money. also, whenever we have an issue it goes from a gust of wind to a hurricane. am i being over-sensitive? help me guys 😢

yeah, i thought so too...no-one is THAT scatter brained. definitely feels intentional. i'm just wary of being direct because she doesn't handle it well. takes it to heart, etc. thanks for the advice, though. 🙂

lena! hey girl 🙂 yeah but, how to do it without bulldozing :/

Posted by Lena828
Hey hun😄 Catch her off gaurd and ask her calmly when you can expect it back. Or keep bringing it up until she's fed up. Or follow her around on payday!!

lol! i like this third idea of yours, now to find some black clothing :p

Posted by Nemesis
nimbue, i know when it comes to money things can become awkward, but your friend seems to be very easy going when it comes to money, so you know, just get back what is yours. sit her down, jump over your loyalty or guilt issues and set it right.

apart from the money issue, friendships have patterns too; things become habitual (unfortunately). it is hard but not impossible to break with those kind of habits.

lastly, we cling onto frienships - even if negative - out of false reasons. misunderstood loyalty, afraid of letting somebody down, etc. etc. even if we know deep down inside we have drifted apart. it is actually more a burden than an inspiration.

after a 17 years frienship i realized, enough is enough. we had nothing to say or exchange any more other than subtle and sometimes not so subtle animosities.

i never regretted letting that friendship go. it was necessary.

friendships have to be nutured and if you are only giving and not receiving - it's bound to be frustrating on the long term.

all the best to you 🙂

thanks for your response nemesis 🙂 two things you said jumped out at me. 'jump over your loyalty or guilt issues and set it right.' yes, i have both these. i know i'm staying friends because of guilt. it's stupid and misguided, but it's the truth. and the other 'lastly, we cling onto frienships - even if negative - out of false reasons. misunderstood loyalty, afraid of letting somebody down, etc. etc. even if we know deep down inside we have drifted apart. it is actually more a burden than an inspiration.' THIS. i do this alot. not with relationships, but in friendships people push and push, i address it with them, they get hurt and i cut them off. so i must be the common denominator here...

and really, this money thing is just waking me up. there are so many other 'take, take' examples. if i told the whole story of our friendship...i know what kind of responses i'd get and i'm too sensitive to handle that right now, lol.

Posted by everevolvingepithet

Posted by nimbue
yeah, i thought so too...no-one is THAT scatter brained. definitely feels intentional. i'm just wary of being direct because she doesn't handle it well. takes it to heart, etc. thanks for the advice, though. 🙂

In one word (for her): Tough.
Doesn't handle it well " nasty knee jerk reaction or trying to bury her head in the sand. Both show she knows she's been ignoring it/hoping you'll let it slide.
She's taking advantage of you and abusing your giving nature with the cash.

click to expand

hmm, you're so spot on. when i assert myself shit gets so toxic i just distance myself, then she always come running. who could blame her? i lie down and play rug.

i'm more toying with the idea of letting it go. i shot myself in the foot and that's my problem. really, this friendship goes deeper than the money issue. maybe this is my 'get out of jail free' card? my eyes are opened all the way back, lol

Posted by ellybd
My cappy friend would do that sometimes. When they're in a low or hard part of life or not doing well they'll try to get away with it if you let them. If you don't, they might get a bit pissy, but really they respect you more for it. My friend is right on the cusp too, just inside capricorn. We've had some serious ups and downs before, as documented on here haha.

Capricorn is a lot more emotional than all the other earth signs in my opinion, misunderstood a lot. I'm sure if you confront about it, she'll pay you back, feel a little embarrassed and then start to curb her behavior a bit.

oh, definitely! i would say she's even more emotional than me? it's hard to cope with. plus yeah, i've taken on this counsellor/doctor/mother role and it's not working. this money thing happening just seems to be blasting through my delusions and making me face up to the fact this isn't a friendship, really.

she just ERUPTS whenever i broach things with her...and this whole one man upship, competitiveness and needy thing with her is draining me, gah. i'm thinking loyalty has alot to answer for 😢 are you still in touch with your cappie friend, ellybd?

What is irrelevant is that she's a Capricorn .... most people, regardless of sign, will walk on people who lay down to be their rug.


she's not the problem .. you are.


she invites you to a meal .. you refuse, then bitch about it.

she offers to pay for a jacket, you refuse and then finally take a token of its worth .... then bitch about it




Why should she care that you're broke ... you don't care about you every time you hand out when you shouldn't



And then I read somewhere in here where you said you can't talk straight to her because you are worried about her feelings?



If you don't like it ... then at least have the balls to make a different bed for yourself.


seriously .. most of you Pisces people really offend me having to share a sign with you

Posted by P-Angel
What is irrelevant is that she's a Capricorn .... most people, regardless of sign, will walk on people who lay down to be their rug.


she's not the problem .. you are.


she invites you to a meal .. you refuse, then bitch about it.

she offers to pay for a jacket, you refuse and then finally take a token of its worth .... then bitch about it




Why should she care that you're broke ... you don't care about you every time you hand out when you shouldn't



And then I read somewhere in here where you said you can't talk straight to her because you are worried about her feelings?



If you don't like it ... then at least have the balls to make a different bed for yourself.


seriously .. most of you Pisces people really offend me having to share a sign with you

seriously...consider anger management. or at least reading through posts properly, instead of missing out on various details. i don't appreciated being mis-quoted. not once did i say i 'can't talk straight to her because i am worried about her feelings.'

what i said was, anytime i assert myself she blows up. i also recall saying 'i shot myself in the foot', acknowledging that i am the problem here. so really...what was your exact point?

Posted by piranhaparadiise
I think your best option is to have a rule of never lending anyone any money at all...or take from you on a *I owe you* system...people will use you and keep using you because they know you won't say anything...

I put my foot down...years ago...the leeches soon disappear...

I have a cap mum [my father was too lol] and I know too well the *user* status and *make you feel guilty* card they like to pull...they will use you and then backstab you at the same time...I also had a cap friend that did the same shit...

I'd drop your so called friend...and be firm...not polite...they will try to turn it around and make you feel guilty with their sob story of no money or some other crap...

i agree with you. i'm very much done with her. she's dropped my money off (i asked for this morning). usually i'm quite good with leeches but because i know this girl's history i make excuses for her, all the time. other people drop her, i'm the most constant friend she had. i can see why now.

even though there's still residues of guilt, i just don't want to take her shit anymore. i don't know why this, out of all things, would get me to that point...but it has and i'm not questioning common sense!

Posted by nimbue

what i said was, anytime i assert myself she blows up.

...what was your exact point?

I'm not angry .. so if someone talks to you with straight talk, you think they are angry?

why would you want to know what my exact point is, if you cannot even manage to deal with straight talk?



You came in here to complain ... COMPLAIN ... about a person who took what you gave them, without returning the favor .. eventhough you insinuated that you give from the bottom of your heart, being generious.

If you give to a person without having the balls to make it known to them that this isn't a gift and you expect a return ... then you have no right to bitch about it later.

That's ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ straight talk, which it's doubtful you can handle and will again assume I must be angry. Instead of caring how you present yourself to your real life people, you will no doubt just think it's me and then go out and give to her again because you are too afraid to hurt her feelings.

If you don't have the balls to stand up for yourself .. I'm certainly not going to feel sorry for you.

Posted by nimbue

there's certain things she likes to eat and drink so i told her i had to be careful with my money, she could stay another night? she said it was fine, and that whatever food shopping we did, she'd pay me back half, which i thought was fair enough.

You make the insinuation when you say such terms as, "she's draining me of money", then give the examples below, in which you have to voice to her about the carefulness of how you spend your money .... that you already knew she wasn't good at paying her fair share.

You already knew ...

So, why would you give to her again? When you know full well she doesnt' pull her wieght.

You are a sucker ... and that isn't her fault or responsibility.

Posted by nimbue

.... and when i cam back in she had invited someone else along too. 'i hope you don't mind?' i said, 'to be truthful i'd rather not come, not feeling too social today.' she THEN said, 'oh, that's ok. if she doesn't want to come, will you?' two things fucked me off there. she doesn't even like this girl. and, what am i, some back up plan? that annoyed me.

click to expand

So, she tries to treat you, but, you cannot stand the fact that she has other friends and get an attitude ... because you never mentioned not wanting to go until you found out she invited soemeone else. You were the first one she asked, not her back up plan.

Are you that self absorbed and jealous that you cannot handle the fact that you aren't the only person she wants to have a meal with?

She attempted to treat you to a meal, and you backed out due to your own selfishness .... so you can't then turn around and complain about how she got money and didn't spend it on you .. and have any credibility.

it's not about 'gifts'...but if a person insists on paying for something, they should then follow it through.

the issue with this particular girl is over. she is a taker, in all aspects. not just with money; but this incident obv scratched the surface of underlying problems. my posting here was to ask opinions on the best way to handle the situation.

i'm not too afraid to hurt her feelings. reluctant, yes. also wary because i don't want a fallout that will affect my family, as was the case the last time we fell out. i've made alot of excuses for this person. but it's only lately i'm facing up to my own enabling behaviour. she won't change, and the only way to change things is to change my own reactions.

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by nimbue

there's certain things she likes to eat and drink so i told her i had to be careful with my money, she could stay another night? she said it was fine, and that whatever food shopping we did, she'd pay me back half, which i thought was fair enough.

You make the insinuation when you say such terms as, "she's draining me of money", then give the examples below, in which you have to voice to her about the carefulness of how you spend your money .... that you already knew she wasn't good at paying her fair share.

You already knew ...

So, why would you give to her again? When you know full well she doesnt' pull her wieght.

You are a sucker ... and that isn't her fault or responsibility.

Posted by nimbue

.... and when i cam back in she had invited someone else along too. 'i hope you don't mind?' i said, 'to be truthful i'd rather not come, not feeling too social today.' she THEN said, 'oh, that's ok. if she doesn't want to come, will you?' two things fucked me off there. she doesn't even like this girl. and, what am i, some back up plan? that annoyed me.

So, she tries to treat you, but, you cannot stand the fact that she has other friends and get an attitude ... because you never mentioned not wanting to go until you found out she invited soemeone else. You were the first one she asked, not her back up plan.

Are you that self absorbed and jealous that you cannot handle the fact that you aren't the only person she wants to have a meal with?

She attempted to treat you to a meal, and you backed out due to your own selfishness .... so you can't then turn around and complain about how she got money and didn't spend it on you .. and have any credibility.

click to expand

nah, not jealous or self-absorbed. but confused as to why you would invite somebody to dinner you don't like. i didn't feel like sitting around watching her be fake to this girl's face, then bitch to me about her afterwards.

as for the sucker part, i don't see anywhere on this post that i've denied that. family and friends get alot of leeway with me, up to a point.

Posted by nimbue

she asked if she could have it, i said sure i never wear it. then she offered to pay for it, i said naah. but she pushed it, so in the end we agreed ??5. i dunno, maybe it's a token thing for her, but...whatever.

back to today. no mention of the food shopping money, OR the jacket money.

The Pisces selfishness is a huge thorn in my side, and 99% of them are so deluded that they haven't the slightest grip on reality.

1. why should she give you any of her money? Once she got her money, and the first thing she did was offer to treat you to a nice meal .. you acted jealous, and refused her generosity. Perhaps the reason why she didnt' give you any grocery money is to teach YOU a lesson in manners.

2. above, you CLEARLY said she could HAVE the jacket ... so you have no grounds in the last sentence above to mention anything about jacket money.

Posted by nimbue

i'm disgustingly broke atm, and she knows it...so what?? i have to force the money from her? when she's in money up to her eyeballs? when i bail her and her mum out whenever needed...

click to expand

If you bail someone out financially, that is your CHOICE, and if you don't have the balls to tell a person that it isn't a gift and that they owe you ..... then it is a gift. YOu can't then turn around and bitch about them not giving you money.

What it all boils down to is that you want to pretend to these people that you are giving .... that is until you find yourself broke .. then you have expectations on these people.

She tried to be generous with you, but, you shot her down .... why should she now be concerned about you?

Seriously ...... wtf?

Posted by everevolvingepithet
"she just ERUPTS whenever i broach things with her...and this whole one man upship, competitiveness and needy thing with her is draining me, gah."
She erupts because she knows she's a parasite and her numbers up I'd say.

i would have to agree with this. when i become distant she panics and if bringing drama is what it takes to get attention from me, she'll do it. i won't be dramatic and cut her off. but clearly boundaries are needed 🙂

Posted by P-Angel

Posted by nimbue

she asked if she could have it, i said sure i never wear it. then she offered to pay for it, i said naah. but she pushed it, so in the end we agreed ??5. i dunno, maybe it's a token thing for her, but...whatever.

back to today. no mention of the food shopping money, OR the jacket money.

The Pisces selfishness is a huge thorn in my side, and 99% of them are so deluded that they haven't the slightest grip on reality.

1. why should she give you any of her money? Once she got her money, and the first thing she did was offer to treat you to a nice meal .. you acted jealous, and refused her generosity. Perhaps the reason why she didnt' give you any grocery money is to teach YOU a lesson in manners.

2. above, you CLEARLY said she could HAVE the jacket ... so you have no grounds in the last sentence above to mention anything about jacket money.

Posted by nimbue

i'm disgustingly broke atm, and she knows it...so what?? i have to force the money from her? when she's in money up to her eyeballs? when i bail her and her mum out whenever needed...

If you bail someone out financially, that is your CHOICE, and if you don't have the balls to tell a person that it isn't a gift and that they owe you ..... then it is a gift. YOu can't then turn around and bitch about them not giving you money.

What it all boils down to is that you want to pretend to these people that you are giving .... that is until you find yourself broke .. then you have expectations on these people.

She tried to be generous with you, but, you shot her down .... why should she now be concerned about you?

Seriously ...... wtf?

click to expand

lol, when you start reading posts properly maybe i'll read your responses again. but yeah, thanks for the input

Posted by nimbue

i didn't feel like sitting around watching her be fake to this girl's face, then bitch to me about her afterwards.

Isn't that exactly what you're doing here with us?

You dont' have the balls to stand up to her .... then turn around and come in here to bitch afterwards.



So, instead of actually getting the point ... you would address your feelings of disgruntlement about her choices of friends and how you percieve how she behave?


The point is ..... once she got this money, she tried to give to you .. and the moment you found out that she wanted to also treat another person .... you shot her down with an attitude.


If you don't address this with yourself, you will find your whole life being upset over shit that you have total control over but choose to not exercise it ... then bitch because other people aren't living up to expectations that you've placed on them unrealistically.


You can't give to people while giving them the impression that you are generous and selfless ... then get an attitude when they don't give you something in return.

Because that isn't being selfless ... it's being conditional

Posted by nimbue

lol, when you start reading posts properly maybe i'll read your responses again.

Translation:

Nimbue: I can't handle the truth, so instead of maturing enough to handle the truth, I will tell the other person that they can't read.

If you weren't broke right now ... you would be dancing to a different tune.

Once you became broke, then you expect people to come running to your rescue, as if they owe you something ... in which they don't owe you.


If you open your home, or open your wallet to another person without contingencies/conditions .... then they don't owe you anything.


If what you want them to do is offer to help you out of the goodness of their heart ... then you have to first gain some credibility and honor.


This is something Pisceans do all the time, to their own detriment ... they will neglect themselves to give to others, and in this giving, they expect these others to believe that the Fish is so selfless that they cannot help being the martyr ... and so when the time comes that the Fish is down on their luck, the Fish expects these same people to feel sorry for them, and give back ... afterall, it is deserving after all that has been given without complaint, the Pisces erroneously believes.


When all the along the only thing the other person is thinking is ... what a sucker, what else can I get?

You have to stand up for yourself and not in a mean way. Just learn to plant your feet and be solid. Don't lash out at her for a mess you've created, but from this point on don't let folks walk all over you. Give to them only what they deserve, and don't feel bad it. Really, it's not her fault. She does these things because you give her the impression that it's okay. I wouldn't call it taking advantage if she doesn't know your bothered by it. Ask her for your money and create boundaries.

When is her bday btw?

I let people know up-front....hey hey hey now, I don't appreciate this or that, and if you need money I need to know what you need it for. Of course I'm evil for this but I can't sit and be bothered by things I'm allowing.

Posted by lnana04

Really, it's not her fault. She does these things because you give her the impression that it's okay. I wouldn't call it taking advantage if she doesn't know your bothered by it. Ask her for your money and create boundaries.

Of course it's not her fault ....

The title of this thread is misleading .... just like the Pisces.


It should read: Wanted - what I want to hear only

Posted by everevolvingepithet
"Once you became broke, then you expect people to come running to your rescue, as if they owe you something ... in which they don't owe you.


If you open your home, or open your wallet to another person without contingencies/conditions .... then they don't owe you anything."
Err no.
If they're friends you don't want to be writing up a contract (might be different for you Americans).
Sure, live and learn but they're taking the piss and have abused her naive/god nature imo.
Plus of course she's saying it if she's a bit skint herself and of course it would be a non issue if she wasn't strapped for cash.
Nimbue, has she got a nice plasma TV, some name brand cloths in good nick you can take and sell as payment ? 🙂

lol, i'll have a looksie 🙂 nah, but this is the first time we ever had an issue with money. i think the money that came her way made her a little moonshine crazy...like her eyes got all bambied and she put the money she owed me on the backburner...'have oestrogen, will shop' kinda thing :p

it was a nice warning for me, next time i'm afraid my vault doors will be shut!

Posted by WynterBourne
So you got your money? 🙂 Hopefully there wasn't too much drama that came with it

Reminds me of the time when a friend asked me (very brusquely) "Hey! Where's that $ 10 you owe me?" I had never borrowed any, but that didn't stop me from digging around in my purse for it and she laughed and said she was just kidding. 😛

It's just little stuff that some really don't notice and think of, often. And that is what can be so disappointing for others.

Friends are people you should feel comfortable with anyway, I think.

lol! @at your friends' 'gotcha' moment. nah, there was no drama, which is how i wanted to keep it. two things i will NEVER fight with a friend over is money or guys, just my morals.

this is why our friendship is very complex. because i see a side to her others don't. she has a good heart, but there's alot of...sore points. other people can't get past the bravado, so they settle for hurting/abusing her. i feel very protective of her...but i wouldn't say completely comfortable? it's weird

Posted by everevolvingepithet
Wow, so it wasn't even on necessities ?
She spent it on clothes wtf ?

yah...it was a new side to her and i got freaked out by it. money talks, huh?

Posted by everevolvingepithet
Or did you mean on the back burner= stashed away ?

no, on the back burner mentally. she got all jittery, like, 'don't make eye contact with her then she'll forget about the money i said i'll give'

it was an interesting insight...but at least i have it now, with no fallout, that's imp to me 🙂

Posted by lnana04
You have to stand up for yourself and not in a mean way. Just learn to plant your feet and be solid. Don't lash out at her for a mess you've created, but from this point on don't let folks walk all over you. Give to them only what they deserve, and don't feel bad it. Really, it's not her fault. She does these things because you give her the impression that it's okay. I wouldn't call it taking advantage if she doesn't know your bothered by it. Ask her for your money and create boundaries.

she's a dec 23rd cap...and i get what you're saying...now. i admit to a blind spot with close ones, it's something i work on and its good to get feedback/outside perspectives because if your nose is too close to it you can't see straight!

i know what you're saying is true. a bit more solidity would do me good 🙂 and thanks for your response, too.

yah, she's 20...the evils of consumerism, huh 🙂 *shakes head*

tranklements? that's a cute word, lol. there is a happy medium...personally i'm a bit simplistic with products. my mobile phone is so old i think it once belonged to enid blyton

Posted by nimbue

Posted by lnana04
You have to stand up for yourself and not in a mean way. Just learn to plant your feet and be solid. Don't lash out at her for a mess you've created, but from this point on don't let folks walk all over you. Give to them only what they deserve, and don't feel bad it. Really, it's not her fault. She does these things because you give her the impression that it's okay. I wouldn't call it taking advantage if she doesn't know your bothered by it. Ask her for your money and create boundaries.

she's a dec 23rd cap...and i get what you're saying...now. i admit to a blind spot with close ones, it's something i work on and its good to get feedback/outside perspectives because if your nose is too close to it you can't see straight!

i know what you're saying is true. a bit more solidity would do me good 🙂 and thanks for your response, too.

click to expand

Your welcome and That's my bday!!! When you said sag/cap cusp I figured she was Dec.23rd lol. You should sit down and have a talk about how your feelings and how she's coming across. Again, please don't be mean because we'll get defensive and hardheaded. If you are genuine she will understand and try to change. If she doesn't atleast try to change then you don't need her as a friend.

oh wow, lol. are you comfortable with your cusp? and i get the not being mean part. i can be very sharp tongued, sometimes spiteful and in the past, i've seen that hardheaded/defensiveness reach up and bite! at least there's a better strategy i can use now. and if nothing comes of it, i know how to back off.

oh and on another note i was friends with another sag/cap cusper...b. dec 24th. these two girls are so similar. they have that sag warm spirit, with the grounding influence of a cap...it's a nice combo.

Posted by nimbue
oh wow, lol. are you comfortable with your cusp? and i get the not being mean part. i can be very sharp tongued, sometimes spiteful and in the past, i've seen that hardheaded/defensiveness reach up and bite! at least there's a better strategy i can use now. and if nothing comes of it, i know how to back off.

oh and on another note i was friends with another sag/cap cusper...b. dec 24th. these two girls are so similar. they have that sag warm spirit, with the grounding influence of a cap...it's a nice combo.

Yeah, with us sometimes it can be all about approach. You can get a lot out of us if you approach us right, and be honest. Love honesty. She should do what's right.

I like that it's considered the "Cusp of Prophecy" but other than that, I'm not really too comfortable with it. I wish I was a more solid Capricorn to be honest, and that's nothing at all against Sags. I think Sag is a great sign, but I sometimes feel conflict within me and wonder if it's because of the slight Sag influence. Who knows lol.

I have a Dec. 24th little cousin, who is a adorable!

for real, i get that now. and guess what? ever since no more liberties have been taken; i just needed to find a way to assert myself without coming off ike the lovechild of adolf hitler and mrs.trunchbull from matilda

That's IT, put her in the Chokey until you get your ??5 back. 🙂

LMAO! or force feed her a monster of a chocolate cake- 'where's my money, bitch?!'

^LMAO Swing her by her plaits and RELEASE! Off into the garden with her!

lol! 😄