Do Pisces ever get over it??
This topic was created in the Pisces forum by sag16 on Tuesday, July 22, 2008 and has 20 replies.
Hi - I'll try and make this as short as possible! Been with Pisces husband 13 years (I'm Sagittarius). A month I found out he'd had a fling with an ex of his from 20 years ago who broke up his 1st marriage. She contacted him via the net, knowing he was married and he was so low about our relationship he went with her. He's always had feelings for her (which were apparently totally forgotten when he met me as he has always said I was the best girl he ever had etc)and it has devastated me beyond belief that he could do something like this to me. He said he was in love with her but after a couple of fairly vicious texts from me she broke it off, and he's devastated. He says he still has feelings for me but his love has dwindled and he doesn't know if he can get it back. We had both withdrawn from each other to the extent we hadn't had sex for approx 8 months. I hated it too but always thought somehow things would work out but they didn't. He is really a good guy and acted so out of character that I knew straight away he was playing around. I'm quite a strong person, and I did some soul searching and told him I didn't really blame him and could understand kind of why he did it. I've talked to him till I'm blue in the face but am getting nowhere. He says I've hurt him so much he's cteated a barrier and can't get over it. Now...I've hurt him!!! What about me??? He just can't grasp how I'm feeling and I can't get through to him. He's never been one for talking about problems and every time I bring the subject up, he says I'm lecturing him. It has been a massive slap in the face to me and has made me realise how much I love him and want to make things right. I have fought like a demon to try and turn things around and have even got him back in the sack again but even that hasn't helped. We have a life, a home and a family together and I can't understand why he didn't talk to me before throwing it all away on some plain jane (seen pics of her and was very surprised!) no hoper who has to trawl through her old boyfriends on the net! Please, please you Fishy Folk...will he ever get over it and is there anything more I can do??
Perhaps, I read this differently from you bijou ... I thought it was saying that he slept with this woman a month ago, and that the marriage had so dwindled BEFORE this other woman that they hadn't slept together for 8 months.
I see this from a different angle .. though, still distastefeul. It isn't uncommon for a person who feels like they are dwindling in a marriage, or just a partnership, to seek refuge in another persons arms when their relationship is on the rocks .. and if they hadn't slept together for 8 months then the relationship was already near the end.
In no way am I saying what he did was right .. only normal for people to do when they are faced with a dead relationship = rebound.
Further, it would seem logical that he would seek this refuge with a person he is familiar with .. who he can care about, and her care about him ... since the whole part of seeking refuge is to be with someone who will make him feel good about himself.
Sag16, sometimes, relationships just end, and it doesn't really mean it's anybody's fault .. they just end.
"It has been a massive slap in the face to me and has made me realise how much I love him and want to make things right."
The above quote of yours is an indicator that the love you two had at one time has dwindled ... for if it hasn't, then there would be no slap in the face to make you realize how much you love him and want to make things right. If you realize now .. then it indicates that you hadn't realized BEFORE the slap in the face .. this means that you also participated in making him feel unloved, as much as he made you feel this way.
Too often it happens that people hold-on to relationships that have run it's course .. which only leads to a bitter end. If two people would walk away when the relationship is over, then it's possible to remember all the wonderful moments two people shared ... however, if these two people cling to what is over, and it DOES end, then what memories are left are ones of betrayal and resentment.
You too have children together .. it would be beneficial for your kids to have respectful and loving memories of each other, rather than painful ones .. so your kids can have the benefit of two loving parents, instead of parents who hate each other.
Sorry that your heart is in pain
... however, this is life.
Things end ... and we HAVE to let go when they do.
I see this from a different angle .. though, still distastefeul. It isn't uncommon for a person who feels like they are dwindling in a marriage, or just a partnership, to seek refuge in another persons arms when their relationship is on the rocks .. and if they hadn't slept together for 8 months then the relationship was already near the end.
In no way am I saying what he did was right .. only normal for people to do when they are faced with a dead relationship = rebound.
Further, it would seem logical that he would seek this refuge with a person he is familiar with .. who he can care about, and her care about him ... since the whole part of seeking refuge is to be with someone who will make him feel good about himself.
Sag16, sometimes, relationships just end, and it doesn't really mean it's anybody's fault .. they just end.
"It has been a massive slap in the face to me and has made me realise how much I love him and want to make things right."
The above quote of yours is an indicator that the love you two had at one time has dwindled ... for if it hasn't, then there would be no slap in the face to make you realize how much you love him and want to make things right. If you realize now .. then it indicates that you hadn't realized BEFORE the slap in the face .. this means that you also participated in making him feel unloved, as much as he made you feel this way.
Too often it happens that people hold-on to relationships that have run it's course .. which only leads to a bitter end. If two people would walk away when the relationship is over, then it's possible to remember all the wonderful moments two people shared ... however, if these two people cling to what is over, and it DOES end, then what memories are left are ones of betrayal and resentment.
You too have children together .. it would be beneficial for your kids to have respectful and loving memories of each other, rather than painful ones .. so your kids can have the benefit of two loving parents, instead of parents who hate each other.
Sorry that your heart is in pain
... however, this is life.Things end ... and we HAVE to let go when they do.
"A month I found out he'd had a fling with an ex of his from 20 years ago who broke up his 1st marriage. She contacted him via the net, knowing he was married and he was so low about our relationship he went with her."
I feel like I do have to address the above ...
First of all, as bijou pointed out .. this woman did NOT break up a marriage with his first wife. He .. HE ... HE .. HE ... HE .... HE ... HE .. broke up his first marriage by sleeping with this woman.
We choose what we are doing in our lives. It was his choice to sleep with this woman.
Second ... there would be no way for her to know now .. "he was so low about our relationship" .. unless he told her, as bijou also pointed out. He contacted her, Sag16, not the other way around .. for there would be no way she could know that your marriage was failing unless he was in contact with her.
Also, I have to address this ... "a couple of fairly vicious texts from me she broke it off" ... why in the hell, did you do this? This woman has no obligations to you, and has not interferred in your marriage in any form that he didn't invite, himself. He's the one who should have been on the recieving end of any visciousness, as it pertains to betrayal of you. He's is the one who has a commitment to you, NOT her.
Certainly, I understand how painful it is for this other woman to be in the picture .. but, I feel like your responses were misguided, and you struk out at the wrong person .. which could have ultimately led to him being right in her eyes, as he likely conveyed to her about how aweful his marriage is.
Think about this ....
If a man tells another woman to whom he wants to have sex with that his marriage is aweful, and is seeking pity .. then naturally, he will tell this woman that his wife is a bitch.
You confirm this by sending her vicsious texts .. this other woman can now see rage in you, she has proof to show him just how right he is.
Then you say to him .. "told him I didn't really blame him and could understand kind of why he did it." ... and so now, he takes this talking to him until your blue in the face to her, so the two of them can rationalize together how unstable of a bitch you are.
In no way am I saying you are one .. I am talking from a hypothetic scenerio in which they are likely forming, as it pertains to your character, so they can have confirmation together that you are in the wrong.
You ream her .. while consoling and forgiving him.
I feel like I do have to address the above ...
First of all, as bijou pointed out .. this woman did NOT break up a marriage with his first wife. He .. HE ... HE .. HE ... HE .... HE ... HE .. broke up his first marriage by sleeping with this woman.
We choose what we are doing in our lives. It was his choice to sleep with this woman.
Second ... there would be no way for her to know now .. "he was so low about our relationship" .. unless he told her, as bijou also pointed out. He contacted her, Sag16, not the other way around .. for there would be no way she could know that your marriage was failing unless he was in contact with her.
Also, I have to address this ... "a couple of fairly vicious texts from me she broke it off" ... why in the hell, did you do this? This woman has no obligations to you, and has not interferred in your marriage in any form that he didn't invite, himself. He's the one who should have been on the recieving end of any visciousness, as it pertains to betrayal of you. He's is the one who has a commitment to you, NOT her.
Certainly, I understand how painful it is for this other woman to be in the picture .. but, I feel like your responses were misguided, and you struk out at the wrong person .. which could have ultimately led to him being right in her eyes, as he likely conveyed to her about how aweful his marriage is.
Think about this ....
If a man tells another woman to whom he wants to have sex with that his marriage is aweful, and is seeking pity .. then naturally, he will tell this woman that his wife is a bitch.
You confirm this by sending her vicsious texts .. this other woman can now see rage in you, she has proof to show him just how right he is.
Then you say to him .. "told him I didn't really blame him and could understand kind of why he did it." ... and so now, he takes this talking to him until your blue in the face to her, so the two of them can rationalize together how unstable of a bitch you are.
In no way am I saying you are one .. I am talking from a hypothetic scenerio in which they are likely forming, as it pertains to your character, so they can have confirmation together that you are in the wrong.
You ream her .. while consoling and forgiving him.
Now this scenerio falls under the Stockholm category.
A woman is forsaken and hurt by her husband emotionally and she not only forgives him, she defends him.
A woman is forsaken and hurt by her husband emotionally and she not only forgives him, she defends him.
"will he ever get over it and is there anything more I can do??"
I doubt it, and here's why. If we have a strong emotional connection to a person, and are prevented from being with them, we have the bad habit of idealizing them in our mind. We build the person up to be something no normal mortal could possibly live up to.
What happens to these "fantasy" lovers is that they die pretty quickly in the face of reality. If he ever does have an actual relationship with this woman, it will go the way of all the others, because he can't separate dreams from reality, which is a lesson all we fishes have to learn.
Sorry, Saggie, but it really sounds like he sucks at relationships and it also sounds like he needs to find out firsthand that this "dream relationship" with the ex is just that...a dream.
I doubt it, and here's why. If we have a strong emotional connection to a person, and are prevented from being with them, we have the bad habit of idealizing them in our mind. We build the person up to be something no normal mortal could possibly live up to.
What happens to these "fantasy" lovers is that they die pretty quickly in the face of reality. If he ever does have an actual relationship with this woman, it will go the way of all the others, because he can't separate dreams from reality, which is a lesson all we fishes have to learn.
Sorry, Saggie, but it really sounds like he sucks at relationships and it also sounds like he needs to find out firsthand that this "dream relationship" with the ex is just that...a dream.
Completely agree ^^^^^^
And once the Pisces creates this "dream" .... it is a clear indicator that our relationship with our partner is over.
We only conjur up our ideal partner when we're ready to swim.
And once the Pisces creates this "dream" .... it is a clear indicator that our relationship with our partner is over.
We only conjur up our ideal partner when we're ready to swim.
And we do it with everything .. it is our strength we build from to leave. If we are ready to quit our jobs, we conjur up the perfect one that awaits us. If we are ready to take any leap that is a disconnect from current situation ... we conjure up what is waiting on the other side for us .....
Yeah I hear what you are all saying and you're probably right! But I do blame her. Here are some facts about her. She went with him 1st time round though she knew he was married with kids. Apparently, she has also broken up 2 other marriages years ago (and may ahve done more in the past 20 years). She is in a bad relationship and out of the blue as she was coming to the UK on holiday (she lives in another country) she contacts my husband through Friends Reunited. They definitely weren't in contact before, I know this for a fact. So she didn't know we were having troubles, she just struck lucky. OK, he should have nipped it in the bud, but imagine:he is in a relationship where both parties haven't made an effort with each other for a good while, then someone who he loved and lost years ago contacts him. I know he was totally wrong but I really don't blame him. I could absolutely kill him for it but I can understand. I know I am mad for sticking by him but we have had some great times and I think it's a crying shame to throw away 13 years for some stupid midlife crisis fling!
He has so much to lose by giving up on our marriage (as do I) and I am willing to give him a second chance...and basically that's why I thought I'd appeal to other Pisceans for help! Thought you might know how his mind works.I've heard that if you cross a Pisces they will just drop you, no questions asked, and in his mind I have hurt him badly (due to my supposed rejection of him). So...what I need to know is how do I get round him and make him see sense? Please don't think of what has gone before-I haven't the time to tell you everything but if it was that bad I wouldn't want to stay...just please help me sort it out. Friends say to act as though I don't care, go out, pretend I have guys after me etc, but given his state of mind at the moment I'm not sure it will work. I'm almost at the point of giving up, but I HAVE to give it my best shot!! Help please!!!
He has so much to lose by giving up on our marriage (as do I) and I am willing to give him a second chance...and basically that's why I thought I'd appeal to other Pisceans for help! Thought you might know how his mind works.I've heard that if you cross a Pisces they will just drop you, no questions asked, and in his mind I have hurt him badly (due to my supposed rejection of him). So...what I need to know is how do I get round him and make him see sense? Please don't think of what has gone before-I haven't the time to tell you everything but if it was that bad I wouldn't want to stay...just please help me sort it out. Friends say to act as though I don't care, go out, pretend I have guys after me etc, but given his state of mind at the moment I'm not sure it will work. I'm almost at the point of giving up, but I HAVE to give it my best shot!! Help please!!!
Bijou, I see that you are on the verge of typing until your fingers turn blue. There is no hope for this woman until she hits rock bottom fast and hard. Until that time comes, she will continue to seek advice on how to get him to see things her way and come to "his senses"....whatever that means
I'm kind of baffled about ... "what I need to know is how do I get round him and make him see sense?"
For I see this the other way around, Sag16 .. are you inferring that for him to be sensible is for him to come back to you, completely and loyally ..... totally disregarding on your end that he betrayed you and if he sees this sense, then you will completely forgive him for this betrayal?
That makes no sense to me .... on YOUR end.
You pretty much are expressing here, and giving him a license, to betray you, and you will cater to this, you will accept this and consider it to be the fault of another person .. he will hold absolutely no accountability for his actions.
From my perspective .. you are in need of coming to your senses.
This man fucking betrayed you, Sag16 .. and you seem to gloss this over and consider it a normal process.
To answer your question ... your relationship with him has ended. He has emotionally detached from you, and has proclaimed his emotional attachment to this other woman ..
"I've talked to him till I'm blue in the face but am getting nowhere."
"He says I've hurt him so much he's cteated a barrier and can't get over it."
"I can't get through to him."
"every time I bring the subject up, he says I'm lecturing him."
"He's always had feelings for her"
"He said he was in love with her ..."
".. she broke it off, and he's devastated."
As sure as I'm sitting here .. I'm telling you straight-up, and sorry for the pain it is causing you ... he's done, he's already gone.
Once a Pisces does the above, Sag16 ... it means we're finished, and we've swam away. Even if it takes months before he physically leaves ... emotionally, he's already gone.
I'm sorry to tell you this .. but, it's the truth. Once a Pisces disconnects emotionally from another person, we no longer "feel" you.
For I see this the other way around, Sag16 .. are you inferring that for him to be sensible is for him to come back to you, completely and loyally ..... totally disregarding on your end that he betrayed you and if he sees this sense, then you will completely forgive him for this betrayal?
That makes no sense to me .... on YOUR end.
You pretty much are expressing here, and giving him a license, to betray you, and you will cater to this, you will accept this and consider it to be the fault of another person .. he will hold absolutely no accountability for his actions.
From my perspective .. you are in need of coming to your senses.
This man fucking betrayed you, Sag16 .. and you seem to gloss this over and consider it a normal process.
To answer your question ... your relationship with him has ended. He has emotionally detached from you, and has proclaimed his emotional attachment to this other woman ..
"I've talked to him till I'm blue in the face but am getting nowhere."
"He says I've hurt him so much he's cteated a barrier and can't get over it."
"I can't get through to him."
"every time I bring the subject up, he says I'm lecturing him."
"He's always had feelings for her"
"He said he was in love with her ..."
".. she broke it off, and he's devastated."
As sure as I'm sitting here .. I'm telling you straight-up, and sorry for the pain it is causing you ... he's done, he's already gone.
Once a Pisces does the above, Sag16 ... it means we're finished, and we've swam away. Even if it takes months before he physically leaves ... emotionally, he's already gone.
I'm sorry to tell you this .. but, it's the truth. Once a Pisces disconnects emotionally from another person, we no longer "feel" you.
And furthermore .. it would be to your benefit to walk away from this. I know it hurts, and I feel bad for your pain ... but, the flip side of this situation has the potential to be even worse.
For once a Pisces has disconnected emotionally from a person or situation .. we no longer "feel" .. without feeling, there is no remorse or guilt. And if a Pisces is pressured, without feeling remorse .. they have the potential to be dangerous.
I'm not meaning to suggest he would do something voilent here, I've no clue as to his character ... I'm saying that if he has disconnected from you, and you pressure him into feeling you again ... then he most certainly can, and likely will, tear your heart to fucking shreds without even blinking, or missing a step.
< we can do this, unfortunately. Make you feel like a piece of shit for even existing ... once the emotional connection is gone, and your description has this condition of disconnection written all over it.
Please heed my words here, and protect your heart from further injury.
He's already gone, Sag16 .. emotionally.
For once a Pisces has disconnected emotionally from a person or situation .. we no longer "feel" .. without feeling, there is no remorse or guilt. And if a Pisces is pressured, without feeling remorse .. they have the potential to be dangerous.
I'm not meaning to suggest he would do something voilent here, I've no clue as to his character ... I'm saying that if he has disconnected from you, and you pressure him into feeling you again ... then he most certainly can, and likely will, tear your heart to fucking shreds without even blinking, or missing a step.
< we can do this, unfortunately. Make you feel like a piece of shit for even existing ... once the emotional connection is gone, and your description has this condition of disconnection written all over it.
Please heed my words here, and protect your heart from further injury.
He's already gone, Sag16 .. emotionally.
Possibly, Starfish .. it would depend on the Pisces. I know that I never feel haunted, or have longings for people in the past.
However, it appears to me that many Pisces people do think about reconnections to past people when our relationships were pretty good.
For instance, I had a past relationship with a Libra man that ended, and I often think about what reconnecting would be like now that it's decades later, and we've both grown into ourselves .. but, no longing, or desire is present. However, if my marriage was failing (which it isn't the most stable in the world as it is) .. and this man presented himself in my life ... it would be highly possible to reconnect to experience again.
It appears to me that Pisces share this condition with Aries people .. both are experiencers ... a past relationship is finished, however, after time, people change/grow/evolve .. and so would the experience.
However, it appears to me that many Pisces people do think about reconnections to past people when our relationships were pretty good.
For instance, I had a past relationship with a Libra man that ended, and I often think about what reconnecting would be like now that it's decades later, and we've both grown into ourselves .. but, no longing, or desire is present. However, if my marriage was failing (which it isn't the most stable in the world as it is) .. and this man presented himself in my life ... it would be highly possible to reconnect to experience again.
It appears to me that Pisces share this condition with Aries people .. both are experiencers ... a past relationship is finished, however, after time, people change/grow/evolve .. and so would the experience.
lol ..... I'm nearly certain that it's the broken planet in our charts.
I should think that if a soulmate existed, and you met this person, then there wouldn't be any longing or pain associated, SG.
Logically, a soulmate cannot exist in physical form.
Your description sounds more like a profound understanding, and acceptance for each other for who you both are, rather than who you thought each were.
Your description sounds more like a profound understanding, and acceptance for each other for who you both are, rather than who you thought each were.
"soulmates do not stay together cuz one or both of them may not be ready spiritually and emotionally."
That is a part of the illogical about soulmates, SG.
Our souls are already ready ... our ego consciousness, the one we use right now as we are speaking and living in the flesh, aren't ready to understand the connection of our spirits.
That's what I meant by it cannot exist in the physical form. We humans process our lives on the ego level of consciousness in which we are severed in our connections to others and are attempting everyday of our lives to band together, normally with failure ... while our souls are already attached to each other.
Hopefully, we will evolve enough to realize this connection of souls and all of us will really know true love for each other.
That is a part of the illogical about soulmates, SG.
Our souls are already ready ... our ego consciousness, the one we use right now as we are speaking and living in the flesh, aren't ready to understand the connection of our spirits.
That's what I meant by it cannot exist in the physical form. We humans process our lives on the ego level of consciousness in which we are severed in our connections to others and are attempting everyday of our lives to band together, normally with failure ... while our souls are already attached to each other.
Hopefully, we will evolve enough to realize this connection of souls and all of us will really know true love for each other.
Thank you for all of your replies, especially P-Angel. I know in my heart that you are all right. All of what you have said, I have told myself already but still held on to some hope that he would have a change of heart, because I am having real difficulty facing up to the truth as you can probably tell. He's said he still has feelings for me but that really is not enough. I know I'm worth better but it's so hard admitting to myself that he preferred someone else to me, and I know you think I'm wrong for apportioning blame but I think she is an ugly person inside and out. As far as soul mates go, he has said she is his soul mate...but then again he has said that to me many times too. I think he is deluded and saw this woman as an exit route but it doesn't get away from the fact that he has stopped "feeling" me as P-Angel puts it so well. So...it's not the answer I wanted but I guess I was hoping for a miracle. Thanks anyway.
"but that really is not enough. I know I'm worth better"
Damn right you are .. never settle for less .. NEVER.
It's alright that you are struggling with this, and we have all been there before and feel your pain. It's always easier for a person to see something when our hearts aren't invested .. your heart is invested in this, so naturally, your vision won't be as clear as people standing on the outside looking in.
One day (hopefully soon) ... you will heal from this and when you do, you'll know that him showing his true colors to you is a blessing in disguise.
Damn right you are .. never settle for less .. NEVER.
It's alright that you are struggling with this, and we have all been there before and feel your pain. It's always easier for a person to see something when our hearts aren't invested .. your heart is invested in this, so naturally, your vision won't be as clear as people standing on the outside looking in.
One day (hopefully soon) ... you will heal from this and when you do, you'll know that him showing his true colors to you is a blessing in disguise.
You know what I've come to learn....
Pisces are bored with reality. A lot of them love drama. Not necessarily in the negative sense of drama... They just hate routine. If they finally get what it is that they desire, routine has to set in somewhat...and that is where the daydreaming begins.
The grass is always greener on the other side to a pisces. The stick-to-it-tivness is lacking.
I will bet you 5 dollars that once you stop chasing him around emotionally and let him make a decision on his own he will see the light. See right now he sees you as the problem.. Your nagging, you hurting him, etc etc... He has to have someone to blame... The light he sees may tell him to pursue that other woman. She may be nothing like he imagined & that's when he'll start chasing you again. You'll be the green grass then. Until he sees something else that tickles his fancy. They are sooo easily led. Because they can't tell fantasy from reality until the fantasy becomes reality. Total escape artists..
Pisces are bored with reality. A lot of them love drama. Not necessarily in the negative sense of drama... They just hate routine. If they finally get what it is that they desire, routine has to set in somewhat...and that is where the daydreaming begins.
The grass is always greener on the other side to a pisces. The stick-to-it-tivness is lacking.
I will bet you 5 dollars that once you stop chasing him around emotionally and let him make a decision on his own he will see the light. See right now he sees you as the problem.. Your nagging, you hurting him, etc etc... He has to have someone to blame... The light he sees may tell him to pursue that other woman. She may be nothing like he imagined & that's when he'll start chasing you again. You'll be the green grass then. Until he sees something else that tickles his fancy. They are sooo easily led. Because they can't tell fantasy from reality until the fantasy becomes reality. Total escape artists..
You're probably right. He probably did think the grass was greener but the thing is he always said she was a bit mad plus they only lived together very briefly which makes me think it wasn't what it was cracked up to be even back then. He's crazy but he's going to have to be crazy on his own because I'm going to stop going on at him and let him know that I want this to end as quickly and amicably as possible. If it works so be it, if it doesn't at least I hopefully can get myself back to normal as soon as possible because I'm sick of being this weak, moaning minnie, who can't stop crying! It's just so hard to comprehend that he can be so callous as he is being. One day he'll see the light and it will be too late.
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