Ok, update.....
This topic was created in the Pisces forum by texnbean on Sunday, July 22, 2007 and has 19 replies.
So my pisces called me yesterday morning. He came by and we talked. He said he had to get away to think and figure things out. He came clean with some of the lies (pretty bad ones) he told me because he thought then that he would loose me. But he said that he doesnt want a life and relationship build on lies and fantsies, but something real. He acknowledged that he has a drug problem, said he stopped for quite a while but started up again about 2 weeks ago. Said the 2 days before he left were really bad and he was halluzinating, hearing voices and he had a really bad dream. That dream he told me about that morning he left. he said he hadnt made up his mind to leave, he walked the dog, made the bed went to work. But he knew he had to do something to streighten out. Every day here would be another nail in his coffin.
See, we live in SAn Diego and meth is everywhere. Especially in the area where we have the horses. So its always right under his nose and then he cant say no. Plus Tijuana is only 2 min away. He said, and I think he blames himself for that, that we moved too fast by him moving into MY place. Instead of himbeing the man and him getting a place for us. I know he never felt 100% living in my place.
He still says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but right now he is going to live and work in LA for a while. he has a friend up there he'll be staying with. He wants to get far away from Mexico and his bad habits and get his live in order, work a lot,save money, and then do things right in this relationship. Get a place together etc. He said he'll be here every weekend. And I know its the best thing to do at this point. Even though my little selfish voice says "stay". He said he would get a place for us here, but financially its almost impossible in SD. So we will see what happens in the future. I know he loves me very much and I know it was not an easy decision for him to make. But he does have to change and get better and stronger.
He used to live in the northwest. Had a girl for 15 yrs, a good job, a house, friends....came to San diego and it all went down the tubes after he started doing drugs and hanging with the wrong crowd. So wish us luck :-) he is a very good guy
See, we live in SAn Diego and meth is everywhere. Especially in the area where we have the horses. So its always right under his nose and then he cant say no. Plus Tijuana is only 2 min away. He said, and I think he blames himself for that, that we moved too fast by him moving into MY place. Instead of himbeing the man and him getting a place for us. I know he never felt 100% living in my place.
He still says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, but right now he is going to live and work in LA for a while. he has a friend up there he'll be staying with. He wants to get far away from Mexico and his bad habits and get his live in order, work a lot,save money, and then do things right in this relationship. Get a place together etc. He said he'll be here every weekend. And I know its the best thing to do at this point. Even though my little selfish voice says "stay". He said he would get a place for us here, but financially its almost impossible in SD. So we will see what happens in the future. I know he loves me very much and I know it was not an easy decision for him to make. But he does have to change and get better and stronger.
He used to live in the northwest. Had a girl for 15 yrs, a good job, a house, friends....came to San diego and it all went down the tubes after he started doing drugs and hanging with the wrong crowd. So wish us luck :-) he is a very good guy
You also might want to consider attending al-anon meetings. Here's the website with information on meetings in the San Diego area...
http://www.alanonsandiego.org/
http://www.alanonsandiego.org/
"Just forget the guy... or you might end up with a drug problem.
Geez, moro ..
Hey, texbean .. that's great news. It sounds like he's on the right track to beating this problem. At least he's comprehending that he needs help, he has to help himself, he has to beat this so you two can love each other the right way.
So, do you know these friends in LA? Are they cool? Do they know about this problem? If they do, then they will work at trying to help hiim recover.
This just sends trickles down my spine .. he KNOWS he needs to mend, to heal .. and you know what did this, don't you? It's YOU, he knows that your love is worth everything to him .. he will conquer for your love, isn't that beautiful?
Keep us posted
Geez, moro ..
Hey, texbean .. that's great news. It sounds like he's on the right track to beating this problem. At least he's comprehending that he needs help, he has to help himself, he has to beat this so you two can love each other the right way.
So, do you know these friends in LA? Are they cool? Do they know about this problem? If they do, then they will work at trying to help hiim recover.
This just sends trickles down my spine .. he KNOWS he needs to mend, to heal .. and you know what did this, don't you? It's YOU, he knows that your love is worth everything to him .. he will conquer for your love, isn't that beautiful?
Keep us posted
I agree also ..
And it appears that he is doing this, or trying. His mind was just fuzzy from the drugs last week, when he want MIA. But, it looks like he's trying to cope with the fact that he needs help and needs to find a way to conquer his disease.
texbean, He's trying, luv .. we're all hoping right along with you that he will be able to find the strength (through your love for him) to get through this .. this first step is acknowledging that he's broken and he's done this .. we just cross our fingers and send willpower vibes to him.
And it appears that he is doing this, or trying. His mind was just fuzzy from the drugs last week, when he want MIA. But, it looks like he's trying to cope with the fact that he needs help and needs to find a way to conquer his disease.
texbean, He's trying, luv .. we're all hoping right along with you that he will be able to find the strength (through your love for him) to get through this .. this first step is acknowledging that he's broken and he's done this .. we just cross our fingers and send willpower vibes to him.
well, he just sent a txt message saying that he couldnt sleep thinking about the arrangement we made and that he doesnt think it will work. so he wants out
!!!!????? What? what now???
!!!!????? What? what now???
No PP, this is killing me. Everything sounded so perfect and upbeat yesterday. I swear I believed 100% that it can work. So i'm in shock, and I know I cant go on like this.
thanks you guys. I know hes not all that stable emotionally. He didnt really know what to do, if he should go up there or not. I refuse to think that he said and did all these things over the weekend just to make me feel better. I do think he loves me. I know I should probably let him go, especially now that hes so far away. I think that he is pretty freaked out at this point, alone in a strange place, no job no plan. Maybe he just feels hopeless. Sometimes I think he says thinks because hes hurt and he wants attention. I'm not sure how to explain it.
Or yes, maybe he just wants out from everything including me. But why would he say all that stuff about growing old together, that he needs me to be there for him, that he wants to come down every weekend, call me every day, make plans for the future...with me in them...he could have told me he wanted out and left. I asked him and it would have been really easy for him. But instead he spent the weekend with me, we went out, we talked, he left a bunch of his stuff at my house so he would have it for the weekend......
Or yes, maybe he just wants out from everything including me. But why would he say all that stuff about growing old together, that he needs me to be there for him, that he wants to come down every weekend, call me every day, make plans for the future...with me in them...he could have told me he wanted out and left. I asked him and it would have been really easy for him. But instead he spent the weekend with me, we went out, we talked, he left a bunch of his stuff at my house so he would have it for the weekend......
"Thats not the perception I get, I think that he does really love her, but when you get on a drug like meth, heroine and all that other stuff the love for that is so strong it knocks down everything..He has some issues and no one can help him with them. And a man or woman on drugs like that have no idea what they want outside of that drug.."
Agreed 100% .. his brain is not of right mind. He cannot and willnot be able to think rationally.
pp's right, texbean .. about he needs a recovery plan. Does he have on in mind? Is this the plan with his people in LA, or is he just moving there to get away from SD?
There's Crystal Meth in LA too, I would warrant.
Try to hold on to your sanity, texbean .. perhaps, this might work out for the best in the long run. He's saying these things now because his head is all screwed up .. but, once the reality sinks in that he's lost you .. maybe that will be his breaking point, which will make him find the strength to pull back up.
See what's happening here?
Yesterday, he wanted help because he loves you and is happy with you. If today, you two are broken up, then he doesn't have to quit the drug now. Instead of the getting rid of the drug, he thinks if gets rid of the reason why he has to quit the drug .. then he won't have to and can keep using. Remember before about what I was saying as a crutch?
He doens't mean it texbean .. the drug is more powerful than his willpower. He'll likely go back and forth.
You have to ask yourself .. can you really go through this? I know you care about him and want to help him .. but, what about you?
Agreed 100% .. his brain is not of right mind. He cannot and willnot be able to think rationally.
pp's right, texbean .. about he needs a recovery plan. Does he have on in mind? Is this the plan with his people in LA, or is he just moving there to get away from SD?
There's Crystal Meth in LA too, I would warrant.
Try to hold on to your sanity, texbean .. perhaps, this might work out for the best in the long run. He's saying these things now because his head is all screwed up .. but, once the reality sinks in that he's lost you .. maybe that will be his breaking point, which will make him find the strength to pull back up.
See what's happening here?
Yesterday, he wanted help because he loves you and is happy with you. If today, you two are broken up, then he doesn't have to quit the drug now. Instead of the getting rid of the drug, he thinks if gets rid of the reason why he has to quit the drug .. then he won't have to and can keep using. Remember before about what I was saying as a crutch?
He doens't mean it texbean .. the drug is more powerful than his willpower. He'll likely go back and forth.
You have to ask yourself .. can you really go through this? I know you care about him and want to help him .. but, what about you?
I just talked to one of my coworkers. He said if my guy is insecure about himself he would make sure and convince me that I'm ok, create distance between us and then drop me.
Can that be right? You would go through all that just to dump someone?
Can that be right? You would go through all that just to dump someone?
"I just talked to one of my coworkers. He said if my guy is insecure about himself he would make sure and convince me that I'm ok, create distance between us and then drop me."
Oh I need to add, he had to convince me things are ok in order to make HIMSELF feel better.
Oh I need to add, he had to convince me things are ok in order to make HIMSELF feel better.
"He said if my guy is insecure about himself he would make sure and convince me that I'm ok, create distance between us and then drop me.
Can that be right? You would go through all that just to dump someone?"
You're not grasping that he has an addiction.
You are still looking at this as though he has a choice.
There's nothing anyone can say or do to help you, until you realize that this isn't HIM, it's the drug.
Good Luck to you and I hope, for your own understanding, that you go to Alanon.
Can that be right? You would go through all that just to dump someone?"
You're not grasping that he has an addiction.
You are still looking at this as though he has a choice.
There's nothing anyone can say or do to help you, until you realize that this isn't HIM, it's the drug.
Good Luck to you
and I hope, for your own understanding, that you go to Alanon.Thanks, I think I do lose track of the whole addiction thing. Jeez, I am a selfish brat thinking everything has to do with me 
I looked up that website for Alanon and they do have meetings close to where I live, I will look into that.
And if I could just turn of my brain and not keep thinking, it would help a lot too.
thanks for being so patient with me hugs to all of you
I looked up that website for Alanon and they do have meetings close to where I live, I will look into that.
And if I could just turn of my brain and not keep thinking, it would help a lot too.
thanks for being so patient with me hugs to all of you
Let me reiterate .. by choice, I mean ..
A choice in who or what he uses as a crutch .. it's the drug doing this NOT him ..
A choice in who or what he uses as a crutch .. it's the drug doing this NOT him ..
I spent 5 years in a relationship with a drug addict/alcoholic and I've been where you've been texnbean. I know the back and forth, I know the confusion, I know the waiting, I know the intense need and love for the other person... I know all of it.
You've been asking "what is *he* doing" and "what is *he* thinking" and "what does *he* want".
What's missing here is the element of *you*. What do you want?
It sounds like you want a loving, caring relationship. Ok. Can you get that from this man or are you getting a lot of very exciting instability? I don't know about you, but it's always been very easy for me to confuse all the passion of uncertainty with love. I've also done a very good job of confusing need with love.
Love doesn't have to be loud or dramatic. Love doesn't need to hurt. Love doesn't make you sit up at night wondering whether or not your man has used today. Or whether he will use tomorrow. Love doesn't make you wonder whether or not you'll see your man again.
See if he gets sober. See if he can commit to a rehab program. See if he sticks to it over the long haul. He might just do that and, if he does, he might find that this relationship is too unhealthy for him. Or he might not. Or he might not get sober at all.
At the end of the day, you can't do a damned thing to change him. You can't make him sober. You can't make him love you. You can't make him stay with you. He either will or he won't. He does or he doesn't.
The only thing you can do is concentrate on yourself and your own needs. That's not being selfish. That's the most loving act that you could do for either of you.
You've been asking "what is *he* doing" and "what is *he* thinking" and "what does *he* want".
What's missing here is the element of *you*. What do you want?
It sounds like you want a loving, caring relationship. Ok. Can you get that from this man or are you getting a lot of very exciting instability? I don't know about you, but it's always been very easy for me to confuse all the passion of uncertainty with love. I've also done a very good job of confusing need with love.
Love doesn't have to be loud or dramatic. Love doesn't need to hurt. Love doesn't make you sit up at night wondering whether or not your man has used today. Or whether he will use tomorrow. Love doesn't make you wonder whether or not you'll see your man again.
See if he gets sober. See if he can commit to a rehab program. See if he sticks to it over the long haul. He might just do that and, if he does, he might find that this relationship is too unhealthy for him. Or he might not. Or he might not get sober at all.
At the end of the day, you can't do a damned thing to change him. You can't make him sober. You can't make him love you. You can't make him stay with you. He either will or he won't. He does or he doesn't.
The only thing you can do is concentrate on yourself and your own needs. That's not being selfish. That's the most loving act that you could do for either of you.
Amen, v-lady .. very well said.
Welcome back, btw
Welcome back, btw
V-lady, you are very right, and I have asked myself that question too about is it just the drama and excitement? He stopped doing drugs for a couple - 3 month and he was a different person. Very loving and caring, always there for me, close to me. Some drama, but what relationship doesnt have a little here and there. So I do feel very close and connected to him and I think i can see how he could be and how he probably was before he came to San Diego. And thats why I hate giving up on a good person. Maybe I try too hard to hold on. who knows.
I think in additon to the drugs, he has insecurity issues as well. He will pick up on something I say and he will brute over it and he will come up with some weird interpretation which is not true at all. Again, I'm sure this is also drug related.
In his mind, and he just told me that, our relationship doesnt work because he feels that I dont take him seriously and I'm using him. Which nothing is further from the truth. But I know you cant argue with feelings. So I remind my self what everyone here on this board said...its an addiction, not me!
Did you ever go to these Nar-ano (?) meetings? I looked up their weibsite and they would have a meeting tonight close to where I live.
I think in additon to the drugs, he has insecurity issues as well. He will pick up on something I say and he will brute over it and he will come up with some weird interpretation which is not true at all. Again, I'm sure this is also drug related.
In his mind, and he just told me that, our relationship doesnt work because he feels that I dont take him seriously and I'm using him. Which nothing is further from the truth. But I know you cant argue with feelings. So I remind my self what everyone here on this board said...its an addiction, not me!
Did you ever go to these Nar-ano (?) meetings? I looked up their weibsite and they would have a meeting tonight close to where I live.
I've been going to alanon meetings for more than a year now (I left my addict about 7 months ago) and it's changed my life.
The fundamental principles behind alanon and naranon are identical. What you'll get from the different meetings is in alanon, you'll hear people talk about their experiences with alcoholics. In naranon, you'll hear people talk about their lives with drug addicts. Because cross addiction is so common, you'll hear stories about everything in both meetings.
In other words, it doesn't matter what group you go to. The people there will know exactly where you're coming from because they have been there, too. It's actually pretty amazing to discover that there's nothing you've ever seen or done or felt that hasn't been seen and done and felt by another person in that room.
Another rule of thumb with these meetings is to go to six of them before you decided whether or not to continue.
Even though the fundamental principles are the same, every group/meeting has its own personality. Like people, there are some you click with and others you don't. Go to six and get a taste for what's out there before you decide whether or not a 12 step program is right for you.
The fundamental principles behind alanon and naranon are identical. What you'll get from the different meetings is in alanon, you'll hear people talk about their experiences with alcoholics. In naranon, you'll hear people talk about their lives with drug addicts. Because cross addiction is so common, you'll hear stories about everything in both meetings.
In other words, it doesn't matter what group you go to. The people there will know exactly where you're coming from because they have been there, too. It's actually pretty amazing to discover that there's nothing you've ever seen or done or felt that hasn't been seen and done and felt by another person in that room.
Another rule of thumb with these meetings is to go to six of them before you decided whether or not to continue.
Even though the fundamental principles are the same, every group/meeting has its own personality. Like people, there are some you click with and others you don't. Go to six and get a taste for what's out there before you decide whether or not a 12 step program is right for you.
I remember a man I used to work with many years ago, and he told me that at one time he was a hard core alcoholic .. booze had such a strong hold on him, that to have another drink took top priority over his life, his job, his wife, his daughter .. everything.
When I worked with him, he was in recovery and had been sober for several years. I asked him how he did it and you know what he told me?
He said, "My wife stopped taking care of me, she started taking care of herself instead."
I didn't ask him to elaborate .. I knew what he meant, though.
When I worked with him, he was in recovery and had been sober for several years. I asked him how he did it and you know what he told me?
He said, "My wife stopped taking care of me, she started taking care of herself instead."
I didn't ask him to elaborate .. I knew what he meant, though.
"Pray for him texnbean prayers move mountain.."
I know I'll be sending healing vibes to both of them
Truly, I believe that both these people honestly and purly love each other .. he's just lost right now.
We can do a group vigil and as we are falling asleep, we can send him some will power energy
I know I'll be sending healing vibes to both of them
Truly, I believe that both these people honestly and purly love each other .. he's just lost right now.
We can do a group vigil and as we are falling asleep, we can send him some will power energy
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