on the edge

family, what's it good for. i can't answer this. i can't answer this without being a negative, whinging arsehole. i don't have my journal with me, i can't sleep. my stomach's twisted up like a pretzel. it's happening again? it always happens. i have two brothers, two sisters, i'm the eldest. i don't live with my family, moved out when i was 15 because i was a rebellious cunt and couldn't live under my mum's rules. we've always been super close. but not without clashing.

there's this thing that happens every fucking year. it gets to the end of school/college, and my brothers and sisters have a silent stand off with my mum. i call it the annual schism. they do nothing to keep the house clean or even at a human standard. i'm talking a crime scene in every room and around these times my mum refuses to clean up wihout help. i made the mistake last year of backing her up. cue the rest of them turning on me and freezing me out. oh, and my mum too.

it got physical when i found out my sister had been trash talking me, all because i didn't go to her birthday party. i was raped last year. had a breakdown, got hospitalised, got diagnosed with bipolar. i told her to fuck herself and get back to me when she had some real problems in life...i remember screaming about the rape. up to then i hadn't told any of them. i wanted to protect them. i didn't want them to hurt over it. and at that point the oldest brother broke us up, lead my sister away and all four went upstairs. i'll never forget watching their backs walking away.

this year, yeah it's happening again. i tried to do the mediator thing but honestly i'm starting to really dislike being around them. it's been hard, with my dad dying in february. i get that. but honestly, this is no different to last year and the years before that...yeah i have no clue why i'm even posting this. i'll end up deleting it. i don't feel sad, i don't feel numb, i don't feel angry. i don't know what i feel. why the fuck i would share this over the internet is beyond me. sleep deprivation has alot to answer for.

this is why i thank fuck for booze and weed

ob

Are you living at home?

In this situation?

Should you move?

It's okay to share. People care, even if they are on the Internet.

Sorry I see you said you moved out.

Posted by WasteOfTime
I swear to god. If I had the tools I needed..I would fucking hunt these piece of shit guys down that rape. I would tie them upside down hanging from their toe nails. I would get the strongest whip I could find. I would pour cold water all over their body. I would whip them until they pass out from the pain. I would do this everyday until I am convinced they have learned their lesson.

I'm so sorry your dad passed away and that you were raped. I don't know how you could possibly be feeling after all of that. On top of your family issues. I don't have many positive things to say about family either :/. I feel less than loved on a daily basis. I feel more like I'm the person they go to to take out their pain on. I will always love my family, but I don't always feel they love me.

I hope you find your peace soon. Believe me, I'm still looking for mine. Maybe someday life will shine upon us and show us why it brought us down. Until then, we can only learn from these life lessons that mold us into who we are meant to be. I hope you feel better soon. From one fish to another, we will find better days.

bruv, you're the best. like...you get everything. if i had a gun...i would hunt them down and finish them. it happens all the time, girls i know, girls in real life, girls on here...but, you know. it's life and um, everyone goes through bullshit. i guess the trick is keeping your head above water. or something. we're all trying.

and sorry to hear about your family. they're some of the people who we love the most and hurt us the most. just think they can't help it, you know? so many of us are in pain. i wish people would let us love them the way we want. i just think they can't handle it. reject it because of fear. like the ideals we have in our head, i wish they could translate into real life. that's why i hate watching films! nothing real gets wrapped up like that, in the real world. the real world is savage and beautiful, but there's rarely a happy ending. fufillment, love, compassion...there are the things we need to feed our soul. some people can't eat off the plate

i love what you said at your last paragraph. i don't wanna be part of the circus anymore. people are very beautiful...we can swim upstream 🙂 thank you for your kind words, they hit a big note with me

Posted by LouLore
Are you living at home?

In this situation?

Should you move?

It's okay to share. People care, even if they are on the Internet.

i don't know what the hell to do but getting it off my chest you know what it was better than my usual tricks.

have a beautiful day

Posted by jgonzo
How horrible to have suffered so much. My heart goes out to you.

we all have pain, don't we...like, i want to scoop all the hurting in my arms but they just aren't big enough

thank you for showing love. i hope yu have a beautiful day

Oh nimbue. I've not the words right now. But really they're not necessary. (((((wrapping you in warm trans-Atlantic arms)))

God bless your soul....
I can ompletely understand what you are going through.
Not getting along with family is hard.
Especially, if that's all you know.
Double wammy if theyre in another state or area.
Family shold get along.
But there are people in life who, would rather continue the drama, rather than fix the problem.
Sad, but, nothing will ever get fixed.
Unless, people are willing to change.
& most of the time there not.
So whats a girl to do?
Stop trying to fix...
And let it be.
No one needs extra drama added to there lives, especially when your already fed up.
Some people will never get.
No matter ho many times you explain no matter how many diffrent ways yo explain.
They dont want to get it.
They want to stay stuck in there ways.
Then wonder why?
Lol.
I'm taking a break from my mom now.
it's been 2 days...
i love her.
but i love me more.

HOW ELSE CAN I SAY THIS?
I DONT SPEAK NO OTHER LANGUAGES.