Post trauma from being mugged is kicking in. And I need my Pisces more than ever.

This topic was created in the Pisces forum by WaterDevil on Wednesday, November 1, 2017 and has 17 replies.
I texted her on monday. And explained to her why I left her place in such a hurry Sunday night after I finished helping her move.

I said to her...

"I know I left in kind of a rush last night. To be honest helping you this weekend was somewhat a distraction I really needed. But than as soon as I felt I couldn't help anymore I needed to fucking bounce as quickly as possible. I realize now I'm going through some shit I didn't realize I was going to go through. Anyway don't want you to think it was because of you."

All this is too real for me... I feel like a little bitch. Im having post traumatic stress and I'm dealing with it alone, but I hate telling her I "need her". I feel like I don't have the right to "need her".

she said to me..

"I figured mama. I bet you're going through a lot. Is there anything I can do to help? Is there something you need?"

I didn't know what to say.... I wanted to say "YES. YOU. I NEED YOU."

But I feel like such a biiiiiitch.

so I said. "idk. nothing tangible. I'm just really angry with my self."

she said "Why are you angry with yourself? there's nothing you could've done."

My response: "eh. I only have a long answer to that question."

SHE SAIScared "Okay. Next time I see you then we can talk about this if you want. I wanna be here for you. "

I didn't respond until the next day. I didn't want to be a wimp in her eyes. I want to be sexy. I want to be "Adonis". I don't want to be her BURDEN. I dont want to tell her Im suspicious of EVERYONE. Or that I'm afraid of my surroundings. Or that I hate sleeping alone. I also don't want her to be around me because she feels sympathy. I want her to WANT to be around me. PERIOD.

I answered the next day as such (Halloween)

"Thank you for being there for me. Maybe I will. If not the next time I see you than the next time after that. I like to make you laugh, not the other way around."

HER: "Don't worry chica I got ur back whenever"... (low key HATE when she calls me chica. So distant. But I plan on telling her that some other time not through text".


I acted as if nothing happened after that. And sent her a flyer to a show I wanted to go to. I wrote...

"I need to go out tonight are you going out?

Followed with

"My friend is spinning with so and so DJs at this place. Im going alone after the studio. Would be nice if you joined me if you are looking for something to do"

HER: (a couple hours later) " Not sure if im coming out yet, I didn't get to sleep til like 5 last night so Im tryna catch up on that"...

At that point I KNEW she was referring to this new girl she was talking to. She has spent late nights with her before. I could feel my self getting jealous. I feel it now typing this. It makes me wanna puke because she actually likes this girl. And usually I dont care when she's out hooking up with others. But I NEED her right now. And I guess I wish she's want to be with me.I know I have no right to be jealous. But I can't help it. I was also slightly disappointed at her for staying in. Regardless of if she went out with me or someone else. SHE said she really wanted to go out on Halloween this year because last year she was with her shitty ex who didn't want to do shit with her.

So I just wrote: "That's too bad, you said a few weeks ago you wanted to go out on Halloween this year. You should go out and have some fun. I'm going to people watch at this event. If you change your mind you know how to reach me. Hope you get some rest. "

Her last response: "Thanks mama. I hope I feel more energetic."

I hate when she calls me that too.

ugh.

I just NEED her.

I want to talk to her about what I'm doing SO BAD.

But she JUST started a job as a social worker. I DO NOT want to drain her energy. I want to energize her. Make her feel good. But Im reaching a point where I just want to say "I LOVE YOU AND I NEED YOU".

But I feel SO selfish for doing that. I'm just not right AT ALL right now. She's the only one who makes me smile like she does. But I'm not the only one. She is just an amazing human. And I feel like I'm no one in her eyes. I don't know what to do. I really don't.... A part of me doesn't want to shut her out. But the other part of me feels like she wouldn't really care if I did.

I've been working on my music this week. Writing. Doing me. But I want her to want me like she did long ago. I want her to long for me. To miss me. To want to run to me like she does with this new chick. The worst part of it all is that this new chick is a DJ that is friends with my best friend and music partner. And if he approves with her she's probably REALLY COOL. which makes me even more mad. Because I'd probably like her as a person if I met her. He doesn't hang with crappy people at all. I can't even imagine she is bad for my Pisces. She probably isn't at all.

I'm just gonna step away. I left my drill at my pisces house. She said I can pick it up whenever. I just told her I'll grab it the next time she invites me over to see the place. And left it at that. The sex party is this friday again. I don't think I'll go. I know what we have is special. But I probably need some space rn. And she probably needs to miss me. Im just venting here guys. Im going through A LOT emotionally rn.

Women, nor men, are mind readers. Ask, and ye shall receive.
Posted by bittercupcake
I think this is mostly one sided. You need to express your feelings now to avoid all this.
I both agree and disagree with you. I think my love for her is WAYY different than mine. But I don't think she doesn't care. Just not like I do toward her. But I also think NO ONE in this entire universe cares for their loved ones the same as their loved ones care for them. EVERYONE will ALWAYS feel differently and no two people EVER feel the "same" toward one another at the same damn time. Its called transparency for a reason. Right now she is feeling NRE. or "NEW RELATIONSHIP ENERGY".

She wants to be there for me. But I'm not a "new relationship" in her life. Doesn't mean she cares any less just differently.

In my eyes. I havn't said EVERYTHING I need to say... So we are an Old relationship at this point with new relationship tension. There is still a lot of physical tension between us. And it's not in my head. At my show thursday night I had friends who doubted the situation commenting to me about OUR energy TOGETHER. So you see. I know it's not in all in my head. But she could be putting me in a different mind space rn. Im not giving her any reason to look at me as anything less than a FWB. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Posted by nikkistar
Women, nor men, are mind readers. Ask, and ye shall receive.
What say "I love you. I need you."?? Than what?
Posted by WaterDevil
Posted by nikkistar
Women, nor men, are mind readers. Ask, and ye shall receive.
What say "I love you. I need you."?? Than what?
click to expand
It would probably be best if you actually told her that you are emotionally struggling due to the trauma, and right now, you need her physical and mental comfort more so now, than ever before. You can write that via text, but I would say that in person, you may want to explain to her the full extent of exactly how much damage to your psyche has been done.
Posted by nikkistar
Posted by WaterDevil
Posted by nikkistar
Women, nor men, are mind readers. Ask, and ye shall receive.
What say "I love you. I need you."?? Than what?
It would probably be best if you actually told her that you are emotionally struggling due to the trauma, and right now, you need her physical and mental comfort more so now, than ever before. You can write that via text, but I would say that in person, you may want to explain to her the full extent of exactly how much damage to your psyche has been done.
click to expand
Im afraid I'll look weak. I like being her hero. I like how she looks up to me... I dont feel like a hero anymore

Angry
Posted by WaterDevil
Posted by nikkistar
Posted by WaterDevil
Posted by nikkistar
Women, nor men, are mind readers. Ask, and ye shall receive.
What say "I love you. I need you."?? Than what?
It would probably be best if you actually told her that you are emotionally struggling due to the trauma, and right now, you need her physical and mental comfort more so now, than ever before. You can write that via text, but I would say that in person, you may want to explain to her the full extent of exactly how much damage to your psyche has been done.
Im afraid I'll look weak. I like being her hero. I like how she looks up to me... I dont feel like a hero anymore

Angry
click to expand
It is weaker to pretend to be fine, when you are not. Asking for help every once in awhile, does not make you weak, but human.
Posted by shakedown
Posted by WaterDevil
Posted by nikkistar
Posted by WaterDevil
Posted by nikkistar
Women, nor men, are mind readers. Ask, and ye shall receive.
What say "I love you. I need you."?? Than what?
It would probably be best if you actually told her that you are emotionally struggling due to the trauma, and right now, you need her physical and mental comfort more so now, than ever before. You can write that via text, but I would say that in person, you may want to explain to her the full extent of exactly how much damage to your psyche has been done.
Im afraid I'll look weak. I like being her hero. I like how she looks up to me... I dont feel like a hero anymore

Angry
The role of "hero" should go both ways. If you are always the hero, you run the risk of emotionally burning out and may start to feel the relationship is "one-sided." When you are in a relationship, you share problems and never see your partner's problem as a burden. Share it with her. I am sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. Good luck.

click to expand
I want to ask for her so badly. But A part of me feels really bad. Im her friend with benefits. Im not her partner. Do I reserve the right to ask for her presence?
Posted by WaterDevil
Posted by shakedown
Posted by WaterDevil
Posted by nikkistar
Posted by WaterDevil
Posted by nikkistar
Women, nor men, are mind readers. Ask, and ye shall receive.
What say "I love you. I need you."?? Than what?
It would probably be best if you actually told her that you are emotionally struggling due to the trauma, and right now, you need her physical and mental comfort more so now, than ever before. You can write that via text, but I would say that in person, you may want to explain to her the full extent of exactly how much damage to your psyche has been done.
Im afraid I'll look weak. I like being her hero. I like how she looks up to me... I dont feel like a hero anymore

Angry
The role of "hero" should go both ways. If you are always the hero, you run the risk of emotionally burning out and may start to feel the relationship is "one-sided." When you are in a relationship, you share problems and never see your partner's problem as a burden. Share it with her. I am sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. Good luck.

I want to ask for her so badly. But A part of me feels really bad. Im her friend with benefits. Im not her partner. Do I reserve the right to ask for her presence?
click to expand
@blvckphase

I wrote the following.... I dont know if I should send this to her or just call her...

"I was being modest the other day. I feel like a weak little biiitch. And whenever I feel like I'm exposing my self as such I respond as if I'll be okay but Im not at all. When you said you want to be there for me I just felt like I needed to see you. I feel selfish for even thinking that because you have a lot going on and you don't owe me shit. I just feel like I need that right now."

@shakedown @blvckphase @adreamuponwaking
Posted by WaterDevil
I wrote the following.... I dont know if I should send this to her or just call her...

"I was being modest the other day. I feel like a weak little biiitch. And whenever I feel like I'm exposing my self as such I respond as if I'll be okay but Im not at all. When you said you want to be there for me I just felt like I needed to see you. I feel selfish for even thinking that because you have a lot going on and you don't owe me shit. I just feel like I need that right now."

@shakedown @blvckphase @adreamuponwaking
what i'm confused

call me
Posted by shakedown
Posted by WaterDevil
Posted by shakedown
Posted by WaterDevil
Posted by nikkistar
Posted by WaterDevil
Posted by nikkistar
Women, nor men, are mind readers. Ask, and ye shall receive.
What say "I love you. I need you."?? Than what?
It would probably be best if you actually told her that you are emotionally struggling due to the trauma, and right now, you need her physical and mental comfort more so now, than ever before. You can write that via text, but I would say that in person, you may want to explain to her the full extent of exactly how much damage to your psyche has been done.
Im afraid I'll look weak. I like being her hero. I like how she looks up to me... I dont feel like a hero anymore

Angry
The role of "hero" should go both ways. If you are always the hero, you run the risk of emotionally burning out and may start to feel the relationship is "one-sided." When you are in a relationship, you share problems and never see your partner's problem as a burden. Share it with her. I am sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. Good luck.

I want to ask for her so badly. But A part of me feels really bad. Im her friend with benefits. Im not her partner. Do I reserve the right to ask for her presence?
This is a tough question to answer, only because its "YOUR" relationship. Only you know the "guidelines" and dynamics of your "FWB" relationship. Have the two of you ever spoken about the "rules" of the relationship? Would you be breaking the "rules" if you leaned on her in your time of need?
click to expand
Well Our "rule" I guess is we are friends before anything. So no I wouldn't be breaking a rule I suppose. We both agreed on the transparency. Maybe I should lead with a question?.. Something like "we are friends before anything. right?"
Keep your guard up I say.

You will feel better tomorrow.

see if you can talk to a professional at low cost or free .

there are plenty of services around i'm sure. smile
Posted by Drogan
Posted by WaterDevil
Posted by nikkistar
Posted by WaterDevil
Posted by nikkistar
Women, nor men, are mind readers. Ask, and ye shall receive.
What say "I love you. I need you."?? Than what?
It would probably be best if you actually told her that you are emotionally struggling due to the trauma, and right now, you need her physical and mental comfort more so now, than ever before. You can write that via text, but I would say that in person, you may want to explain to her the full extent of exactly how much damage to your psyche has been done.
Im afraid I'll look weak. I like being her hero. I like how she looks up to me... I dont feel like a hero anymore

Angry
How is saying that weak! That all takes time, a level head, and treetrunking balls! You're afraid of being rejected, or possibly, intuitively, you know you don't love her.

If there ever was a sign that wanted to be there for their loved ones, I believe it would be a Pisces. Granted, I still hold firm that men should never lean on women, yet emotionally, let her in a little if you love her like you say you do. It sounds like you feed off of this superiority feeling you get by "being a hero" for her. Don't let that be all she is for you, don't let her be a bolstering tool. That's not fair to either of you. I'm not trying to assume, but it sounds like that from your post.
click to expand
For context. Im a female.

Posted by Adreamuponwaking
Keep your guard up I say.

You will feel better tomorrow.

see if you can talk to a professional at low cost or free .

there are plenty of services around i'm sure. smile
that is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of what you just told me to do on the phone. I am SO confused now dude.
Posted by blvckphase
Posted by WaterDevil
I wrote the following.... I dont know if I should send this to her or just call her...

"I was being modest the other day. I feel like a weak little biiitch. And whenever I feel like I'm exposing my self as such I respond as if I'll be okay but Im not at all. When you said you want to be there for me I just felt like I needed to see you. I feel selfish for even thinking that because you have a lot going on and you don't owe me shit. I just feel like I need that right now."

@shakedown @blvckphase @adreamuponwaking
Yes, the honest approach is best. Let her know how you are feeling and why you have kept her at a distance in regard to this. I know you want to remain the strong front, but she wants to be there for you like you have been there for her. I promise she won't view you as weak. She will like that you are opening up to her.
click to expand
God knows when I see her in person next. Should I call her after work as opposed to text her?

Posted by WaterDevil
Posted by Adreamuponwaking
Keep your guard up I say.

You will feel better tomorrow.

see if you can talk to a professional at low cost or free .

there are plenty of services around i'm sure. smile
that is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of what you just told me to do on the phone. I am SO confused now dude.
click to expand
lolz

not exactly. if you want to open up to her then you can. she won't dislike you or think any less of you for doing so

BUT you will feel worse afterwards

so that is why my advice is to seek professional help to give you guidance through this rough patch you are going through