Sex Too Soon
This topic was created in the Pisces forum by Pesca75 on Tuesday, June 30, 2009 and has 25 replies.
I wish there was a way to post this for all the signs to see because I'm not directing this to just pisces. I just happen to be one 
I find this to be a reocurring topic between myself and friends as well as noticing that many posts in DXP touch upon sex in the early stages of dating. Everyone is always wondering "Did I sleep with him too soon?" or "How soon is TOO soon?"
My personal opinion...sex is wonderful and natural thing and it is best when done between two (or more...hehe) consenting adults that trust and feel comfortable with each other. When love is involved that is even better. Alot of times it is hard to fight against natural urges when the chemistry is right and there is physical attraction between two people. I don't prefer sex so soon in a relationship but if it happens, I do not lose respect or interest in the person it happens with.
I wish we could all come to an international agreement on when sex should happen between two people so that I can stop hearing the infamous "Did I sleep with him too soon?" question, but that ain't gonna happen Anyway I'm curious as to what all of you, regardless of sign, think about this topic.
How soon is too soon? Do you have a personal guideline that you go by? Do you allow kissing on a first date? Is oral sex without the intercourse considered too soon? What signs do you think are more tolerant/intolerant towards early sex?
My answer to that last question...Cancers and early sex do not mix!
I find this to be a reocurring topic between myself and friends as well as noticing that many posts in DXP touch upon sex in the early stages of dating. Everyone is always wondering "Did I sleep with him too soon?" or "How soon is TOO soon?"
My personal opinion...sex is wonderful and natural thing and it is best when done between two (or more...hehe) consenting adults that trust and feel comfortable with each other. When love is involved that is even better. Alot of times it is hard to fight against natural urges when the chemistry is right and there is physical attraction between two people. I don't prefer sex so soon in a relationship but if it happens, I do not lose respect or interest in the person it happens with.
I wish we could all come to an international agreement on when sex should happen between two people so that I can stop hearing the infamous "Did I sleep with him too soon?" question, but that ain't gonna happen
Anyway I'm curious as to what all of you, regardless of sign, think about this topic.How soon is too soon? Do you have a personal guideline that you go by? Do you allow kissing on a first date? Is oral sex without the intercourse considered too soon? What signs do you think are more tolerant/intolerant towards early sex?
My answer to that last question...Cancers and early sex do not mix!
I think the world would be a better place if people realised that sex is important but not everything.
You are asking a question based half of the equation, the other half being ..... what was used by the woman as a tool for her snaring the man?
If it was her sex-appeal ... then she better be prepared to continue using it to her advantage, because sex is the only reason she captured him.
If it was her, as a person ... then when to have sex comes natural, without question or doubt or fear of how to do this right to keep him.
If it was her sex-appeal ... then she better be prepared to continue using it to her advantage, because sex is the only reason she captured him.
If it was her, as a person ... then when to have sex comes natural, without question or doubt or fear of how to do this right to keep him.
@ Kloverfish.. I agree with you and I tell people that very same thing all the time. It aggravates me to no end when people put such an emphasis on "getting laid".
@ P-Angel.. Think about this....you and I both know that men are visual and can find something sexy in the littlest things...the curve of a woman's neck, the smoothness of her bare calves, etc. Perhaps he can be turned on by her bubbly personality. A woman doesn't have to be all tarted up or aggressive to be sexually appealing to a man. A woman can do everything right...be charming and bubbly around her man, have intelligent conversations, be fun to be around, conduct herself in a classy manner...and if she sleeps with him too early it can still wreck things. Usually not for her but definitely for him. All of a sudden he's "not sure if ready for a relationship" and things are "moving too fast" and he wants to "slow things down", which is apparently code for "I'm about to pull a disappearing act".
I think sex too early is more of an issue for a man. A woman will still try to make a relationship after early sex whereas a man usually won't or maybe he'll keep her around for a little while because he can get sex from her.
I'm too tired to complete this thought. Going back to bed...alone
lol
@ P-Angel.. Think about this....you and I both know that men are visual and can find something sexy in the littlest things...the curve of a woman's neck, the smoothness of her bare calves, etc. Perhaps he can be turned on by her bubbly personality. A woman doesn't have to be all tarted up or aggressive to be sexually appealing to a man. A woman can do everything right...be charming and bubbly around her man, have intelligent conversations, be fun to be around, conduct herself in a classy manner...and if she sleeps with him too early it can still wreck things. Usually not for her but definitely for him. All of a sudden he's "not sure if ready for a relationship" and things are "moving too fast" and he wants to "slow things down", which is apparently code for "I'm about to pull a disappearing act".
I think sex too early is more of an issue for a man. A woman will still try to make a relationship after early sex whereas a man usually won't or maybe he'll keep her around for a little while because he can get sex from her.
I'm too tired to complete this thought. Going back to bed...alone
lolNo, I don't think so at all.
It's not because she had sex with him that he tries to pull away to slow down ... it's because she doesn't know how to seperate sex with love ... and so the moment she sleeps with him, she is now trying to associate his sleeping with her, as loving her.
A woman could wait 2 years before giving him any (if he could hold out that long) .... and he'd still pull away from her if she associated his fucking her with him loving her.
Not the same thing ... but, she has no clue and thinks it is.
Just like with your question, in itself, the only reason it is even being asked is because the woman fears that if she sleeps with him too soon, then he might not love her.
That is her fear.
It's not because she had sex with him that he tries to pull away to slow down ... it's because she doesn't know how to seperate sex with love ... and so the moment she sleeps with him, she is now trying to associate his sleeping with her, as loving her.
A woman could wait 2 years before giving him any (if he could hold out that long) .... and he'd still pull away from her if she associated his fucking her with him loving her.
Not the same thing ... but, she has no clue and thinks it is.
Just like with your question, in itself, the only reason it is even being asked is because the woman fears that if she sleeps with him too soon, then he might not love her.
That is her fear.
Posted by P-Angel
No, I don't think so at all.
It's not because she had sex with him that he tries to pull away to slow down ... it's because she doesn't know how to seperate sex with love ... and so the moment she sleeps with him, she is now trying to associate his sleeping with her, as loving her.
Just like with your question, in itself, the only reason it is even being asked is because the woman fears that if she sleeps with him too soon, then he might not love her.
That is her fear.
Hmm, "love" is such a strong word to use that early on. Atleast for the girls that I know, they are not quite thinking "love" yet but they are hoping that things will still progress towards committed relationship. I for one, would never have sex in the early stages and automatically assume that he loves me now just as I would think it's ridiculous for a guy to be thinking that I'm picking out baby names and wedding dresses in my head because we've had sex.
I was just on the phone with my scorpio ex. His answer. 3 dates TOPS. lol
Posted by *Tasha
great question i love it. i think maybe scorpio and aries?? i have no idea! but why do u say this: "My answer to that last question...Cancers and early sex do not mix!"
--i mean like...specifically...b/c cancers get too clingy/emotionally involved too soon or what?
Well in my experience and the experience of others that I know, it tends to freak them out. I've even had cancer men tell me this. Yeah I guess it's something along the lines of feeling themselves getting too emotionally involved with someone they haven't known for very long and they are not comfortable with it so they retreat back into their shells. I mean, I don't know every cancer male in the world but based on experience and the experience of others, I think it's best to take things slow with a cancer.
Posted by Shaks
There is really more grey than black/white area in these matters, all different outcomes are possible really. Its ludicrous to even generalise. Everything depends on both individuals level of maturity.
You know Shaks, you are absolutely right but I can tell you that 9 times out of 10 early sex is a bad idea and it's very difficult to turn that into a solid relationship. There are numerous facts for why this is but generally the outcome seems to be the same. I've actually turned first night sex into a marriage...one that didn't last, mind you, but it can happen. But we all know that is RARE. I've been hearing about this topic so much from people that I know and reading posts in DXP that I decided to bring it up. I mean, it used to be that most men would see a girl that slept with them on a first date as "easy" but now it is not so much that way anymore and it seems like many people are having first date sex now. But still early sex can be a problem since the relationship becomes sexual so quickly and there is nothing left to look forward to...but just how long is one expected to hold off on sex? My scorpio ex says 3 dates tops because no matter how much he likes the girl, if they are feeling each other and she is still holding off on sex after that, he will think she's playing games or has sexual issues.
lol, this IS a complex subject. Not saying we have to come to some sort of agreement or rules. Just wondering what people are thinking.
I have to agree with Shaks ..there really are so many variables; level of maturity is very important for one, as well as each person's desire and motivation going in. Are you both n'sync or is this a sinking ship? Best to be on the same kind of page or at least the same chapter. Also, of course, chemistry "BEYOND" the sex is "extremely" important. As a matter of fact, imo, sex should only follow the "personality" of a person, not the other way around. Do you "really", LIKE this person, are you compatible in other ways? That is, if you're looking for something deeper & lasting.
Most importantly & fwiw, i do believe in fate, and i think if it IS the "right person", then it really doesn't matter about timing, "relationship cliches" rules & guidelines that only doubt further. Sometimes you do have to trust in your gut and your heart more than anything. Though many may have a few minor bumps here and there, real quality (healthy) relationshps are not supposed to be mental torture. Whatever works uniquely for a billion + 1 people on the planet. Trust and have faith in your instincts more, yet don't feel you have to settle either. I would say work from the person/personality angle first--know what you want, then hopefully everything else will likely follow much more naturally. G/Luck..
Most importantly & fwiw, i do believe in fate, and i think if it IS the "right person", then it really doesn't matter about timing, "relationship cliches" rules & guidelines that only doubt further. Sometimes you do have to trust in your gut and your heart more than anything. Though many may have a few minor bumps here and there, real quality (healthy) relationshps are not supposed to be mental torture. Whatever works uniquely for a billion + 1 people on the planet. Trust and have faith in your instincts more, yet don't feel you have to settle either. I would say work from the person/personality angle first--know what you want, then hopefully everything else will likely follow much more naturally. G/Luck..
Pesca - I think society puts way to much emphasis on sex as if it were gold and we should all be wearing our chasity belts or something or another. In my opinion having sex with someone that you have great chemistry with is a very natural thing regardless of one date or two or three or four, etc. I believe in just going with the flow of how the time is going with that person. There are so many levels of connecting with a person and sex is just one of many. Society has made us grow up feeling guilty for having very natural sexual feelings. It is almost like we should feel guilty for having a natural desire for lust and desire.
So often we attach love with sex ......and I don't even think the two are equated. In my opinion there is more to love than just sex. Love is something that is cultivated over time through friendship, companionship, intimacy on an emotional and intellectual level. Sex is just one way to express love and intimacy. So if love is cultivated over time ...than why would one date or four dates make a difference?
I think the church has also done a great job in making us feeling guilty for being sexual beings as well.
So in my opinion .....if it feels right go for it.
PD
So often we attach love with sex ......and I don't even think the two are equated. In my opinion there is more to love than just sex. Love is something that is cultivated over time through friendship, companionship, intimacy on an emotional and intellectual level. Sex is just one way to express love and intimacy. So if love is cultivated over time ...than why would one date or four dates make a difference?
I think the church has also done a great job in making us feeling guilty for being sexual beings as well.
So in my opinion .....if it feels right go for it.
PD
..exactly what i said too. Trust in your own instincts, you can't let others/society dictate what's right or not right for you personally.
Posted by P-Angel
No, I don't think so at all.
It's not because she had sex with him that he tries to pull away to slow down ... it's because she doesn't know how to seperate sex with love ... and so the moment she sleeps with him, she is now trying to associate his sleeping with her, as loving her.
A woman could wait 2 years before giving him any (if he could hold out that long) .... and he'd still pull away from her if she associated his fucking her with him loving her.
Not the same thing ... but, she has no clue and thinks it is.
Just like with your question, in itself, the only reason it is even being asked is because the woman fears that if she sleeps with him too soon, then he might not love her.
That is her fear.
I totally agree with this statement,but I also know that there are
sun signs that do appear very much like they believe a woman is too
fast & too easy if she has sex with a man too soon.
Old fashioned,Yes! Are some people still like that,Yes!
I believe when a woman feels she's ready for sex she
needs to be aware that some guys may try to judge
her later down the road,so she definately needs to
keep herself together,know who she is & what she
wants,& love sexual experiences for herself & not
out of trying to please someone or hold onto some
one. P-angel is totally correct,she shouldn't be
afraid of what might or might not happen but instead
enjoy her sexuality & and not expect sex to mean
more than what it actually is.
I believe when a woman feels she's ready for sex she
needs to be aware that some guys may try to judge
her later down the road,so she definately needs to
keep herself together,know who she is & what she
wants,& love sexual experiences for herself & not
out of trying to please someone or hold onto some
one. P-angel is totally correct,she shouldn't be
afraid of what might or might not happen but instead
enjoy her sexuality & and not expect sex to mean
more than what it actually is.
Unfortunatly we have been taught that sex is something to wait for. I myself think that if you have an attraction to someone and they have an equal attraction why should you put off the physical if there is something there. I believe that a woman that sleeps with a man on the first night is self assured knows what she wants. If it's him then by all means take what you want. If after you sleep with him you feel that he wasn't what you wanted. Leave him alone. Don't regret and say dang I should have waited. Waited for who and what. Please I refuse to lose out on what I want just because sociaty says wait. Social norms don't care how I feel. They just follow the group.
Posted by virgogotme
"So in my opinion .....if it feels right go for it."
Key word here "feel" - that's a female's first trigger. If we felt from the heart and used our brain maybe there
would be less disappointment to brood when you never see the guy again and realize something feels wrong.
If you throw sex around be sure that it's a physical need and not an emotional one.
The word FEEL becomes non-existent when you make the physical choice. You have no right
to an emotional attachment just because you "go for it".
Very good point Virgogotme!!
I agree I have noticed when I have been waiting for Mr. Wonderful to come around to have sex with .....I get disappointed way to fast when I think he is "Mr. Wonderful" only to find out he was just a moment in time....it is almost like putting eggs all in one basket. That is why I feel very pro-sexual liberation .....as long as we are safe. It makes it easier to seperate the two ....instead of waiting for Mr. Wonderful.
I'm so happy to see all of your responses on this topic! I have read many thought-provoking comments!
I recently had sex with someone that I was dating. It wasn't first night sex but it was soon after. The sex was great but things didn't work out. Oh well, thus is life! Anyway my Libra friend told me she thought I had sex too soon with the guy and that's probably where it went wrong. She too was dating someone and she kept him waiting...and waiting...and waiting. Two months into dating, she finally slept with him two nights ago for the first time....
AND IT WAS AWFUL!!!! LOL LOL She said it went on forever and she wished she could click her heels and transport herself to another place!
All that time waiting and it was such a bad experience for her that she does not want to see him again, nor has he called her either!
So much for waiting!
I recently had sex with someone that I was dating. It wasn't first night sex but it was soon after. The sex was great but things didn't work out. Oh well, thus is life! Anyway my Libra friend told me she thought I had sex too soon with the guy and that's probably where it went wrong. She too was dating someone and she kept him waiting...and waiting...and waiting. Two months into dating, she finally slept with him two nights ago for the first time....
AND IT WAS AWFUL!!!! LOL LOL She said it went on forever and she wished she could click her heels and transport herself to another place!
All that time waiting and it was such a bad experience for her that she does not want to see him again, nor has he called her either!
So much for waiting!
The whole Cancers wanting to wait thing has been something that I was wondering about. I thought it was just mine freaking out because I hadn't done it before.
(I'd had a Taurus boyfriend for years who wanted to wait until he was older to have sex, so I just never did.)
But I wasn't terribly into waiting.
I think he thought I was, and was like "Cool. now there's no pressure." if that makes sense. And was like "Good, we're waiting then."
We always get close, and he's like "It's too soon, for me anyway."
And I get things like "I really want this to last. I've never felt like this before."
Normally he doesn't chase girls, or date. Because he's had a string of flings, and he was over them.
We had suuch an instant attraction. I've never felt like this before, and I'm a Pisces. We generally fall pretty hard.
And we get along so well. It's been a month since we started dating. He's still wanting to wait.
I'll wait for him as long as he needs me to, but I just found it funny that you said that.
(I'd had a Taurus boyfriend for years who wanted to wait until he was older to have sex, so I just never did.)
But I wasn't terribly into waiting.
I think he thought I was, and was like "Cool. now there's no pressure." if that makes sense. And was like "Good, we're waiting then."
We always get close, and he's like "It's too soon, for me anyway."
And I get things like "I really want this to last. I've never felt like this before."
Normally he doesn't chase girls, or date. Because he's had a string of flings, and he was over them.
We had suuch an instant attraction. I've never felt like this before, and I'm a Pisces. We generally fall pretty hard.
And we get along so well. It's been a month since we started dating. He's still wanting to wait.
I'll wait for him as long as he needs me to, but I just found it funny that you said that.
There's a such thing as too soon?!
Damn, I'm doing it wrong!
Damn, I'm doing it wrong!
In my experience it seems that where early sex is involved it is the man who gets serious first. In most of my relationships I have slept with the guy before we have even started discussing relationships, and it was the guy who thought it meant we were together when I was only interested in sex. In my oppinion, there is no such thing as sex too soon. I like to have sex with a person when it feels natural, and to me that is often within a short space of time.
"I like to have sex with a person when it feels natural, and to me that is often within a short space of time."
I agree with that for me, also.
When I meet a person to whom there is physical attraction that screams at my libido .. this is someting I realize upon introduction. And this chemistry is both ways .. everytime I feel this, so does the other person.
And so, if the two of us allow ourselves the coupling .. it's usually immediately.
If I meet a person to whom we don't have this attraction and so we "wait" ........ it is an indicator that this "wait" is in place to gain something first, and then use sex as a reward for this contingency being met. And to me, that is the opposite of having sex because it is natural.
I agree with that for me, also.
When I meet a person to whom there is physical attraction that screams at my libido .. this is someting I realize upon introduction. And this chemistry is both ways .. everytime I feel this, so does the other person.
And so, if the two of us allow ourselves the coupling .. it's usually immediately.
If I meet a person to whom we don't have this attraction and so we "wait" ........ it is an indicator that this "wait" is in place to gain something first, and then use sex as a reward for this contingency being met. And to me, that is the opposite of having sex because it is natural.
Yes but what happens when you have that extreme physical connection to have sex ASAP, but you wait to gain something first and use "natural" sex as the reward. Is that what we call two mature evolved adults at the early stages of building a future? What does it all mean really, because ultimately our actions towards sex have to do with the anticipation of the reaction from our partner or a deep sense of comfort within ourselves. It all has a purpose it just varies from person to person.
pesca and p-angel. ur both right and ur both wrong.
Yes, there is a such thing as having sex too soon. Just reflect back on a man/woman who you slept with way too soon and now regret it. If we took the time to get past that lustful feeling and look to relate to him/her on mental, spiritual, compatibility, and intellectual level - there is no way in hell that he/she would know if your pubic hair is curly or straight.
If the people merely dated a few times and it didn't work out, interest faded, whatever.. would they be bemoaning the fact that they felt "used" for a few measly dates and dumped? No. Does a woman say, "Damn it - I let him take me to dinner twice, and suddenly, he dumps me. He's a USER! How DARE he take me to dinner and get to know me! That's so selfish and wrong!" No. What pushes it into a different realm is the SEX.
MOST of the time, potential relationships fail in a very short period, with or without sex. Women especially seem to see their sex as a "prize".. so if they give in to sexual urges, and the relationship fails (as it was generally bound to anyway), they feel used... he did not cherish and appreciate the prize. But chances are, she sabotaged the relationship herself, though NOT by having sex "too soon" - very few guys would look at a woman badly for sleeping with him. What gets to him is how she ACTS and FEELS and REACTS to them having sex early on.
Lots of people have trouble separating sex from love. They are NOT the same thing. Just because s/he sleeps with you early on, it's NOT love. It's generally these people, when they have sex early into a relationship, that end up feeling "used." But the truth is usually much different than that - very few people are just going around, seeing how many one-night stands and new sex partners they can have - usually, one of the people involved placed too much *emotional* emphasis on the sex.. made too much of an *emotional* investment.. which tends to turn the other person off or scares them away.
It wasn't the SEX they had... it was what came AFTER the sex that they had. If you want to get your groove on, do so. But don't assume that will automatically get you the love you're looking for, especially with someone else who is just crushing on the hot vibes between you two. If you are looking for LOVE and a stable relationship, and would feel USED if things fell apart right after the bumping uglies... DON'T HAVE SEX RIGHT AWAY. If you want to just scratch that itch, and know there probably won't be a "relationship" out of the experience, commence with the bedroom games.
MOST of the time, potential relationships fail in a very short period, with or without sex. Women especially seem to see their sex as a "prize".. so if they give in to sexual urges, and the relationship fails (as it was generally bound to anyway), they feel used... he did not cherish and appreciate the prize. But chances are, she sabotaged the relationship herself, though NOT by having sex "too soon" - very few guys would look at a woman badly for sleeping with him. What gets to him is how she ACTS and FEELS and REACTS to them having sex early on.
Lots of people have trouble separating sex from love. They are NOT the same thing. Just because s/he sleeps with you early on, it's NOT love. It's generally these people, when they have sex early into a relationship, that end up feeling "used." But the truth is usually much different than that - very few people are just going around, seeing how many one-night stands and new sex partners they can have - usually, one of the people involved placed too much *emotional* emphasis on the sex.. made too much of an *emotional* investment.. which tends to turn the other person off or scares them away.
It wasn't the SEX they had... it was what came AFTER the sex that they had. If you want to get your groove on, do so. But don't assume that will automatically get you the love you're looking for, especially with someone else who is just crushing on the hot vibes between you two. If you are looking for LOVE and a stable relationship, and would feel USED if things fell apart right after the bumping uglies... DON'T HAVE SEX RIGHT AWAY. If you want to just scratch that itch, and know there probably won't be a "relationship" out of the experience, commence with the bedroom games.
Posted by LibrasRule36!
Yes, there is a such thing as having sex too soon. Just reflect back on a man/woman who you slept with way too soon and now regret it. If we took the time to get past that lustful feeling and look to relate to him/her on mental, spiritual, compatibility, and intellectual level - there is no way in hell that he/she would know if your pubic hair is curly or straight.
You got that shit right, the last hoe i slept with treat me like an ass, i really wish i could took that back...smh. Next time i just wait as i thought of before.
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