update

so nevermind friday, we went to the family planning clinic and confirmed that she wasn't pregnant. It hadn't hit me how big this will be since I m still recovering from the last week. but i figured there is no challenge I won't face.
anyway we come out of the clinic she is so happy and I am as relieved, we go down and she kisses me and says "I love you" then we go home for lunch and we are generally happy.
In the evening we go to our friend's house and stay there watching some sit-com series, our friend was feeling terrible, slept than woke up having what looked like a heart attack, so I decide to stay with him and call her a cab, when the cab comes I kiss her goodbye at the door an let her go to the cab, the thought came through my mind to go to the cab with her and pay the cab but then I hesitated a second ( the reason for was my innate penny pinching tendency among other reasons ) but I realised that was a big blunt. I stay with my mate until he is feeling better then I go home and sleep next to her, in the morning we are so tired but we stay in bed and kiss/cuddle, my strength fails me as I stare into her eyes and I lie my head on her shoulder, she says " you're not gonna loose me" and comforts me, we then get up and fondle, we are late for a meeting with her brother and as we get ready we fondle and kiss until she stop and give me this look she has then goes to get her bath robe, I tell her that she has that look in her eyes nd to tell me wht's wrong, she says some things are hard to say then she goes on to explain: " I feel you don't understand how I feel, and you try to do things I don't want to, I am afraid you don't control yourself sometimes" I explained to her that I am able of self control, and that she doesn't have to worry about me forcing her to do anything, all she had to do is say stop. we got back to the first days when I tried to kiss her twice and I explained to her how I was reckless back then and how I learnt much since, how i was careless about her feelings and only concerned with mine, and I told her that I am learning to read her and that she was a closed book ( I said it in a diplomatic way of course ), I kept reassuring her that I will never ever hurt her and how deep inside me I care bout her well being more than the world. we kept on hugging then stood up and got dressed then caught the bus to town to meet her brother

we go to this cathedral, when we sit after touring the place she tells me that her brother asked her is she is going to marry me, I smiled in surprise and asked her what she said to him then I said no don't tell me she says I told him that it's too early for me and that I don't believe in marriage. Now my logical mind was agreeing but I am still recovering from last week and I felt a huge disappointment inside which I just didn't bloody know why, I am afraid she might have picked on this , I am not sure though. when she was taking a picture of me and her brother a girl tourist passes in the way and I jokingly say "you can join us" she says "I'm going to be jealous".
as we move out it's cold and I offer her my coat she says you'll be cold and I kept on assuring her I won't but she said keep your coat on and I did, then we go to the top of this tower and we are enjoying ourselves then I try to tease her as I do by tickling her but she said don't, however I assumed she was playful and then she looked to my hand as I was waiving playful, she looked in this look she has, when she is uncomfortable but I joked about it and said stop looking at my hand in that way then she said don't touch me and I pulled out. we get down from the tower go to our friend's house for dinner, I suggested we take a different way and I noticed as we walked she was clearly trying to figure out where we were until we got to the stop and then got to our friend's.
In there I stay with him cooking and still trying to rid my head of that marriage thing while she and her brother talk to their mother, we needed some ice cream and soft drinks so I decided to cycle to the nearest shop and she seemed to clingy wanting to kiss me, I think my aloof behviour since we got our friend's got to her.
so I go upstairs and find her talking to the other guest ( girl ), I kiss her then turn to the other girl and blow a kiss in the air for her too jokingly, she goes "hey" and I laugh. we sit to dinner and we are all joking, I look at her amidst the dinner and give her this look of "don't worry" because the other girl was checking me out and I thought she might have picked on that, she strikes me like the jealous type.
I give her a massage as she eats her dinner then get to do what we do best, joke around and hold/kiss each other while our friends wash the dishes and tease us about not doing so. we go down, sit on the couch and she lies on my leg and we talk about our past experiences with school teachers

we go to this cathedral, when we sit after touring the place she tells me that her brother asked her is she is going to marry me, I smiled in surprise and asked her what she said to him then I said no don't tell me she says I told him that it's too early for me and that I don't believe in marriage. Now my logical mind was agreeing but I am still recovering from last week and I felt a huge disappointment inside which I just didn't bloody know why, I am afraid she might have picked on this , I am not sure though. when she was taking a picture of me and her brother a girl tourist passes in the way and I jokingly say "you can join us" she says "I'm going to be jealous".
as we move out it's cold and I offer her my coat she says you'll be cold and I kept on assuring her I won't but she said keep your coat on and I did, then we go to the top of this tower and we are enjoying ourselves then I try to tease her as I do by tickling her but she said don't, however I assumed she was playful and then she looked to my hand as I was waiving playful, she looked in this look she has, when she is uncomfortable but I joked about it and said stop looking at my hand in that way then she said don't touch me and I pulled out. we get down from the tower go to our friend's house for dinner, I suggested we take a different way and I noticed as we walked she was clearly trying to figure out where we were until we got to the stop and then got to our friend's.
In there I stay with him cooking and still trying to rid my head of that marriage thing while she and her brother talk to their mother, we needed some ice cream and soft drinks so I decided to cycle to the nearest shop and she seemed to clingy wanting to kiss me, I think my aloof behviour since we got our friend's got to her.
so I go upstairs and find her talking to the other guest ( girl ), I kiss her then turn to the other girl and blow a kiss in the air for her too jokingly, she goes "hey" and I laugh. we sit to dinner and we are all joking, I look at her amidst the dinner and give her this look of "don't worry" because the other girl was checking me out and I thought she might have picked on that, she strikes me like the jealous type.
I give her a massage as she eats her dinner then get to do what we do best, joke around and hold/kiss each other while our friends wash the dishes and tease us about not doing so. we go down, sit on the couch and she lies on my leg and we talk about our past experiences with school teachers

I give her a massage as she eats her dinner then get to do what we do best, joke around and hold/kiss each other while our friends wash the dishes and tease us about not doing so. we go down, sit on the couch and she lies on my leg and we talk about our past experiences with school teachers etc etc. We get out to wait for the bus and the girl is shivering with cold, I take my jacket and offer her, she said you will be cold I reassured her I am not (honestly I wasn't) but she still won't so I put my jacket on but after few whiffs of cold wind I felt like her lungs were shivering and I just took my jacket off and put it around her, we catch a cab instead and get home, she says she is too lazy to take a shower and I joke about that I won't sleep next to her because she reeks, she says then you can sleep on the floor, I said you have to sleep on the floor you are the one stinking ( joke of course ), then I put on my shower robe and she says: " so I am lazy" I said no, I was just joking, she said she knew and I was being apologetic in lame way, I know I could have just teased her more and more but I feel like walking on egg shells these days, it's driving me mad, I have to weight every word before opening my mouth, only to realise that being myself would have been better.

Your comments and help please Fish's, anything, I feel like I am climbing a very steep hill, I keep on discovering new things but I feel like I am making one big blunder after another, I don't want our misunderstanding to give her the wrong idea about me, I am still crazy about her at heart even after I regained some of my reasonable thinking, I still love her to pieces and I want to fight for her, help please help

Wow you should really learn how to write in passages, my eyes hurt from even attempting to read this.

I do apologise for amount of stuff I am putting out there I realise it can be hard to read but I really need help and if anybody could spare the time to read and comment I'd be ever so grateful, in the future I will write in bite sizes