I pissed of cancerian....How to fix it?

So we been together 5 years. But he hasn't bother to introduce me to his family or anyone....and then picked a fight with mine.

So eventually it was all just to much.... i exploded....i brought up every issue for the last 5 years told him he ruins my relationship with everyone I'm close to. That's he's cold and calculating. That he ruins all special moments etc. Plus more and more.

He said he thought I was happy and didn't know I was this unhappy. And we should split up. I agreed.

Then to make it worse I summarised all of the above and sent it to him in an email. Then I sent 10 texts saying I was happy he was gone.

Then 3 days later when my rage was over I realised I f...Ed up. And all the good bits came back to my mind_??_

So to fix the damage I sent 2 sweet emails and then I texted him 20 times saying sweet things. Then I sent him chocolates.

I hadn't gotten a single reply.
Then he said he will call me to discuss stuff or get closure when he is ready.

Now this was yesterday. I texted him asking if he's ready today. And got no reply.


How long do cancers take. I want to get a move on and know if it's thru or not.

Also how do u make amends when u take a sensitive cancer ( and he's very sensitive) and completely screw them up like i just did.

It might be years before you hear back from him.

The fact that you went on the warpath with him may have done irreparable damage and he will hide in his shell from you for a while.

Perhaps you should say "Snap Snap" to him in your text. Proving that you are trying to learn the native language may help.

Posted by cappygirl11
So we been together 5 years. But he hasn't bother to introduce me to his family or anyone....and then picked a fight with mine.

So eventually it was all just to much.... i exploded....i brought up every issue for the last 5 years told him he ruins my relationship with everyone I'm close to. That's he's cold and calculating. That he ruins all special moments etc. Plus more and more.

He said he thought I was happy and didn't know I was this unhappy. And we should split up. I agreed.

Then to make it worse I summarised all of the above and sent it to him in an email. Then I sent 10 texts saying I was happy he was gone.

Then 3 days later when my rage was over I realised I f...Ed up. And all the good bits came back to my mind_??_

So to fix the damage I sent 2 sweet emails and then I texted him 20 times saying sweet things. Then I sent him chocolates.

I hadn't gotten a single reply.
Then he said he will call me to discuss stuff or get closure when he is ready.

Now this was yesterday. I texted him asking if he's ready today. And got no reply.


How long do cancers take. I want to get a move on and know if it's thru or not.

Also how do u make amends when u take a sensitive cancer ( and he's very sensitive) and completely screw them up like i just did.

WHOA!

It sounds like you are being OVERLY Aggressive (Im guilty of this as well)

BUT Youre only going to push him further away.

All of the messages will not mean a thing to him until he relaxes, if he does any time soon.

Posted by cappygirl11
So we been together 5 years. But he hasn't bother to introduce me to his family or anyone....and then picked a fight with mine.

So eventually it was all just to much.... i exploded....i brought up every issue for the last 5 years told him he ruins my relationship with everyone I'm close to. That's he's cold and calculating. That he ruins all special moments etc. Plus more and more....Then to make it worse I summarised all of the above and sent it to him in an email. Then I sent 10 texts saying I was happy he was gone...Also how do u make amends when u take a sensitive cancer ( and he's very sensitive) and completely screw them up like i just did.

You did more than simply piss him *off. You gutted him with "everything over the last 5 years", then rubbed it in even more by summarizing it in an email (just in case he forgot 😕?) and sent not 1, but 10 texts telling him how happy you were that he was gone. Could you imagine being ripped apart that way simply because your SO was upset? He clearly had no clue:

Posted by cappygirl11

He said he thought I was happy and didn't know I was this unhappy.

The better question is why did you let it get so bad without talking about what you were feeling or do you rage like this often? He is proabably questioning himself, you and everything you shared over the last 5 years--you know the memories you stated "he ruined". You basically blindsided him and attacking his character instead of addressing the issues you were having. Anyway, I think you already have your answer:

Posted by cappygirl11
Then he said he will call me to discuss stuff or get closure when he is ready.

click to expand

So I would suggest you stop pushing while you're ahead. The fact that he even said he would discuss it with you is more than enough for now imo. He has 5 years of "issues" to process.

You sent 2 emails for damage control but didn't call or try to see him face to face... well that's why. And no you should learn from this and not use such impersonal communication choices for personal situations.

Texting and email = impersonal

I have brought up the issues before. He didn't care. He had his say to much. I'm not ready for this and that

Also I called 4 times and he didn't answer. He only replied when I said I was going to see him

Posted by cappygirl11

So we been together 5 years. But he hasn't bother to introduce me to his family or anyone....and then picked a fight with mine.

I'm not going to read anything past that ^^^^^^^^ stupid shit.

The fact that you are with a person for 5 years and you haven't bothered to have standards or values, doesn't make you a victim (which I assume is the intent here) ... it's means you're an idiot

So what did we learn here:
1. Don't keep things like this bottled up for five years.
2. Don't do the downright stupid thing that some women do; releasing pent up rage by attacking someone as a person instead of immediately pointing out what he did wrong.
3. Back off and hope he comes back. On his own terms.
4. Explaining is to be done in person, when you can see each others reactions to what you say.

He might be back, but only after a long time.

Posted by cappygirl11
I have brought up the issues before. He didn't care. He had his say too much. I'm not ready for this and that.

In what way? Directly or indirectly? Give us an example please.
That is standard men talk. You should have drawn a line in the sand right there.

Like y don't I get to meet ur brother. The reply is...5 years ago when we went to lunch I invited u and u didn't come. We haven't had a formal lunch since hen

Posted by cappygirl11
So we been together 5 years. But he hasn't bother to introduce me to his family or anyone....and then picked a fight with mine.

So eventually it was all just to much.... i exploded....i brought up every issue for the last 5 years told him he ruins my relationship with everyone I'm close to. That's he's cold and calculating. That he ruins all special moments etc. Plus more and more.

He said he thought I was happy and didn't know I was this unhappy. And we should split up. I agreed.

Then to make it worse I summarised all of the above and sent it to him in an email. Then I sent 10 texts saying I was happy he was gone.

Then 3 days later when my rage was over I realised I f...Ed up. And all the good bits came back to my mind_??_

So to fix the damage I sent 2 sweet emails and then I texted him 20 times saying sweet things. Then I sent him chocolates.

I hadn't gotten a single reply.
Then he said he will call me to discuss stuff or get closure when he is ready.

Now this was yesterday. I texted him asking if he's ready today. And got no reply.


How long do cancers take. I want to get a move on and know if it's thru or not.

Also how do u make amends when u take a sensitive cancer ( and he's very sensitive) and completely screw them up like i just did.

damn! fire moon?

no offense, id put you on the Do Not Call Registry. Damn girl.

seriously P Angel got a good point. 5 years and no family meetings. gurl. no bueno. you damn sure aint meeting mom dukes after a blow up like that.

cancer is a cardinal sign. He will initiate when he's ready.

Posted by cappygirl11
Like y don't I get to meet ur brother. The reply is...5 years ago when we went to lunch I invited u and u didn't come. We haven't had a formal lunch since hen

Seriously... five years ago?

That would have deserved a bitchslap right there.
That's either holding on to a grudge or deliberately keeping you apart.
You told him you wanted it now and he brushed you aside.

I'm with DMV here. It's too much.
Any girl that would call e-mail me and call me that much would get blocked and ignored. I have ignored people for less...

It strikes me that he is a jerk. After that much time and he hadn't met your family?!?!?!

It also strikes me that you were buying into this whole scenario.

How about lets have both of you out of the gene pool....

LoL! I don't mean to laugh, but this is kind of funny to me.

How did he pick a fight with your family? What was said or done?

Were you honestly trying to meet his family? It seems he may have gotten the impression at some point that you didn't really care. He said "5yrs ago when we went to lunch...." meaning, you must have JUST seriously brought it up again since you've been with him for 5yrs. It seems in some ways you could care less about meeting his family.

If you had so much bottled up...why do you think the two of you should be together?

But I love him so much and I am so sorry for what I did. How can I fix it

You are asking for a logical solution to an emotional problem...
Damn Cappygirl 😛

There is nothing you can do but wait and be patient.

You've been with a man for 5 whole years and haven't met his family or friends? That tells you all you need to know about this man and how he feels about you. He's not even presenting you to the people who mean most to him. Why didn't you drop him like a cheap suit years ago? You need to work on your self esteem and learn that it's important to have standards in a relationship, the right standards, like respect and consideration. The problem isn't with him. It's with you and your lack of self respect. But you can work on that, you know, and make better choices in the future. I hope you do that instead of put more time & energy into a turkey. Cut bait and swim.

Posted by cappygirl11
But I love him so much and I am so sorry for what I did. How can I fix it

The only thing you should feel sorry about is wasting 5 years on a man who won't introduce you to his family or friends. How you chose to end it is really beside the point. Why do women cling to crumbs and crumb bums like this for years? Why oh why!?!? Don't you think you can do better than that shit?

I agree with everyone, especially with Phoenixrising. And btw, just because it's been 5 yrs and you didn't meet his family does not necessarily mean he doesn't care about you. It could be that his family humiliates him or doesn't give off that happy family that you would marry into vibe. Maybe his family is destructive and may ruin your relationship. Maybe he fears his family will cause you to run the other way. If so, that actually means he cares about you more than you think. I loved my boyfriend very, very deeply but I would never allow my family and he to make any type of contact. It wasn't because I wasn't interested in him, it was mostly because I didn't want him to think that I was like any of my dysfunctional family members and I didn't want him to count me out because of it (because it had happened to me many times in previous relationships). I'm not saying that this is or isn't the case, I'm just thinking from another angle.

Now about hurting himmmm....ummmmmmmmmmmm...I think cancers are highly sensitive and if you shat all over what he thought you guys had... and said you were unhappy... and he ruins your life often...and then sent several evil text messages and emails to reinforce the sting...and then shortly came back around and sent several I'm sorry messages.....thennnnnnnnn...judging by how cancers act and think...you probably have deeply, deeply, deeply hurt him. You and your flip flopping probably comes off as being unstable/wishy washy so he probably will leave you alone because you're confusing and because you yourself don't really know how you really feel about him and he probably won't invest in any shaky people. Cancers are very loving and when they find that special someone to love, trust me...THEY LOVE LIKE NO OTHER SIGN. They will devote their whole life, mind, body and soul to you. They will love unselfishly. They will give you the world and expect nothing in return. They will cook a 5 course meal just to see how happy it makes you feel and how fulfilled you are. They will make the house comfortable and immaculate just so their family will be comfortable and happy. They will spend money on you (which is a big deal because they are misers) just to see you happy. They will always be there if you need a shoulder to lean on, a favor, someone to talk to, or whateverr. I had a cancer ex and he was the MOST AMAZING lover and person I have ever had.It was just that he came on so strong and was so good (unlike most of the world) that I thought he was being fake, manipulative and pushy; at that point in my life, I had never come across someone so genuine before and it scared the hell out of me. He always noticed my inner, deep thoughts and acted on them without me even having to say anything. If I was worried about something, he would be intuitive enough to know what was wrong and he would fix it without me even knowing! And the thing is, when he would fix it, he wouldn't even really put so much attention on it or even tell me (that's how I knew he loved me and didn't do things just to seduce or woo me). He bought me things and went to great lengths to please me. When it was all over, he didn't even throw all of the things he did for me in my face to make me feel guilty...he just sort of quietly moved on and cut me off almost bluntly. Yeah I messed it up and I always wish I could be given another chance (I was young and dumb).

But sorry I got distracted...there real

But sorry I got distracted...there really isn't much you can do once you've hurt a cancer that bad. They go waayyyyyyy deep deep down in their shells and never come back up again to breathe the same air as you. And if they do come back, they no longer have emotions for you and will treat you like a regular person. And mayyyyybe, just mayyyybe you can win him back but it's going to take a long time and you will have to devote yourself completely to this person and a real future together. You're going to have to be way vulnerable and open yourself up to him as wide as you can. You're going to have to demonstrate the love you have for him in a big big big way and be consistent with it

"Maybe his family is destructive and may ruin your relationship. Maybe he fears his family will cause you to run the other way. If so, that actually means he cares about you more than you think. I loved my boyfriend very, very deeply but I would never allow my family and he to make any type of contact."

The fact that you're asking questions you don't know the answer to about his family past is very troubling. Knowing about each other's past....the good, bad and ugly....is a vital component to building real intimacy and a life together. And if you're with someone who can't accept your past, they aren't gonna accept you and make you happy. There's no excuse for not knowing his family history or meeting any family and friend five years down the line. What exactly are you doing here?

And why haven't you met his friends either? Is he ashamed of them too? No I'm thinking he's not ashamed of his family AND his friends. Sorry, girl but you need to wake up & smell the java. If this man were serious about you, you'd have met these people and heard his family secrets. That's why you went off on all 5 years of stuff (assuming you haven't b4). You know this is a dead end and are regretting it now because you miss him and keep hoping beyond hope that one day he'll turn around and be the partner you wish. But the truth is still the truth. You did the right thing dropping him the first time.

Posted by Este8
"Maybe his family is destructive and may ruin your relationship. Maybe he fears his family will cause you to run the other way. If so, that actually means he cares about you more than you think. I loved my boyfriend very, very deeply but I would never allow my family and he to make any type of contact."

The fact that you're asking questions you don't know the answer to about his family past is very troubling. Knowing about each other's past....the good, bad and ugly....is a vital component to building real intimacy and a life together. And if you're with someone who can't accept your past, they aren't gonna accept you and make you happy. There's no excuse for not knowing his family history or meeting any family and friend five years down the line. What exactly are you doing here?

Este8, I agree with you. But sometimes people can be very judgmental or not so open about their real thoughts of you (or your fam). The OP was with him for 5 years, but then totally spased on him and said some very deep things about him that he should have known or at least had a clue about but seemed surprised at her inner thoughts. There are couples and friends that have been in relationships for years but that miss serious and vital info about one another. Also, the OP had a good reason for feeling so negative about him, he probably does have a few deep issues that don't sit well with her. I think they may need to communicate better.

Note---When I was a kid through my teen years, NONE of my very close friends met my family or even stepped foot in my house. I also never told them why, they just knew I was weird about that and never really asked about it. We were still very close though. Once I got over being shameful and guilty because of my family, I finally let them in and openly talked about it and let them meet them. They just laughed at me for being so silly. It was very very silly...but that small little silly something caused so much fear in me that I chose to keep it hidden.

But I agree. 5 years in a relationship with someone and you've never met the fam...that's not a good sign either way you look at it, I guess.

IamWhatIam, Great name for yourself and for thinking about real intimacy. Yes people will withhold their thoughts from you but if you don't own up to who and where you've been in life, you can't say "IamWhatIam" or that you have any kind of a solid relationship. I have a family member who truly believes you can never let a partner know your secrets because they will use it against you one day. That is no way to live and the family member who espouses that belief is trapped in a miserable and I mean miserable sugar daddy dependent relationship with an old man. That's what that kind of thinking gets you. And that's no way to live. I'm sure many people do muddle thru superficial romantic relationships years into it without revealing who they really are. Is that how you want to live? Not me. Being alone is better than that shit. Good, bad or ugly, we gotta own up to our "dysfunctional" past because what you don't own owns you. If someone can't accept you for who you are, what they hell are you doing with them besides getting laid and avoiding getting out there to meet a person who has more to offer? People shouldn't settle for crumbs and there's a lot of settling for bullshit on this site. Live and learn.

Posted by iamwhatiam


But sorry I got distracted...there really isn't much you can do once you've hurt a cancer that bad. They go waayyyyyyy deep deep down in their shells and never come back up again to breathe the same air as you. And if they do come back, they no longer have emotions for you and will treat you like a regular person. And mayyyyybe, just mayyyybe you can win him back but it's going to take a long time and you will have to devote yourself completely to this person and a real future together. You're going to have to be way vulnerable and open yourself up to him as wide as you can. You're going to have to demonstrate the love you have for him in a big big big way and be consistent with it

Oh we come back up well rested to kick some ass.

5 years and you haven't met any family or friends? I hate to say it, but he isn't/wasn't serious about you.

I say good riddance!

Holy fuck! I thought I was insane beyond repair :-/

Now to the damage control:

1: don't EVER contact him again

2: if HE contacts YOU, thank your lucky star and don't repeat same mistake.

So in other words everyone is saying what my mum said years ago.....u too good for him....find someone who appreciates you.

Ok I shall find him and move on. But considering that I can't stop crying for 2 solid weeks. I mean cry myself to sleep. Wake at 2am and cry. Wake for work and cry. Cry on the way to work. Cry at work. Cry back from work.....How do I forget him

Posted by cappygirl11
So in other words everyone is saying what my mum said years ago.....u too good for him....find someone who appreciates you.

Ok I shall find him and move on. But considering that I can't stop crying for 2 solid weeks. I mean cry myself to sleep. Wake at 2am and cry. Wake for work and cry. Cry on the way to work. Cry at work. Cry back from work.....How do I forget him

It'll happen! Crying is good for you! I even think the salt in tears exfoliate your skin and who doesn't want a soft and supple face?? 😄

Posted by cappygirl11
So in other words everyone is saying what my mum said years ago.....u too good for him....find someone who appreciates you.

Ok I shall find him and move on. But considering that I can't stop crying for 2 solid weeks. I mean cry myself to sleep. Wake at 2am and cry. Wake for work and cry. Cry on the way to work. Cry at work. Cry back from work.....How do I forget him

Letting go is a process. You'll never get there if you keep running back to the same dead end. Listen to your mom. She got it right years ago. We're just strangers. Get into therapy if you need help with the grief but the grief will never end until you step off this dysfunctional merri go round.

Posted by cappygirl11
So in other words everyone is saying what my mum said years ago.....u too good for him....find someone who appreciates you.

Ok I shall find him and move on. But considering that I can't stop crying for 2 solid weeks. I mean cry myself to sleep. Wake at 2am and cry. Wake for work and cry. Cry on the way to work. Cry at work. Cry back from work.....How do I forget him

Did anyone tell you to go find him?

LEAVE. HIM. BE.

You do nothing but focus on yourself until the feeling goes away.
- No trying to find him.
- No trying to contact him.
- Go out with friends, new people, whatever. Do something you don't do often or used to do with him.

Posted by Este8
IamWhatIam, Great name for yourself and for thinking about real intimacy. Yes people will withhold their thoughts from you but if you don't own up to who and where you've been in life, you can't say "IamWhatIam" or that you have any kind of a solid relationship. I have a family member who truly believes you can never let a partner know your secrets because they will use it against you one day. That is no way to live and the family member who espouses that belief is trapped in a miserable and I mean miserable sugar daddy dependent relationship with an old man. That's what that kind of thinking gets you. And that's no way to live. I'm sure many people do muddle thru superficial romantic relationships years into it without revealing who they really are. Is that how you want to live? Not me. Being alone is better than that shit. Good, bad or ugly, we gotta own up to our "dysfunctional" past because what you don't own owns you. If someone can't accept you for who you are, what they hell are you doing with them besides getting laid and avoiding getting out there to meet a person who has more to offer? People shouldn't settle for crumbs and there's a lot of settling for bullshit on this site. Live and learn.

I agree with you. That was how I was in the past, not now. I was just trying to find another logical explanation other than him being an ass.

wow p-angel is a bitch, but you really should have met his family. His emotions need to change, thats when he will return if he is not done.

Posted by cappygirl11
But I love him so much and I am so sorry for what I did. How can I fix it

You're sorry he made you miserable and you want him back? Really?

Doesn't sound like you are all grown up yet. Especially with the ridiculous behavior of texting.
smh

Posted by Este8
You've been with a man for 5 whole years and haven't met his family or friends? That tells you all you need to know about this man and how he feels about you. He's not even presenting you to the people who mean most to him. Why didn't you drop him like a cheap suit years ago? You need to work on your self esteem and learn that it's important to have standards in a relationship, the right standards, like respect and consideration. The problem isn't with him. It's with you and your lack of self respect. But you can work on that, you know, and make better choices in the future. I hope you do that instead of put more time & energy into a turkey. Cut bait and swim.

+5.

It's a huge sign if you've been together for that long and you haven't met any of those people, that's huge! Are you even dating?

I just started seeing mine close to 3 weeks and he has already met multiple friends of his and me him. My family is in Florida, but he wants me to meet his at 2 months in.

I know personally, if I don't really care for someone, then I don't want them to meet my family or friends. When you care, especially if its been that long, you want them to meet everyone! Why didn't he want you to, and did you try to? I seriously can't even fathom.

Don't even get me started on the other stuff. I've had my share of crazy but geeze!

Posted by cappygirl11
So in other words everyone is saying what my mum said years ago.....u too good for him....find someone who appreciates you.

Ok I shall find him and move on. But considering that I can't stop crying for 2 solid weeks. I mean cry myself to sleep. Wake at 2am and cry. Wake for work and cry. Cry on the way to work. Cry at work. Cry back from work.....How do I forget him

Posted by TigerCap
So what did we learn here:
1. Don't keep things like this bottled up for five years.
2. Don't do the downright stupid thing that some women do; releasing pent up rage by attacking someone as a person instead of immediately pointing out what he did wrong.
3. Back off and hope he comes back. On his own terms.
4. Explaining is to be done in person, when you can see each others reactions to what you say.

He might be back, but only after a long time.

click to expand

No use in going back to him. It is over. Even if you try to make up, he is still not ready and won't be for a long time- you may get impatient and still have to move on. Or maybe he is pitying you- and no self-respecting female would stick with that. Learn from your mistakes and move on to a better relationship. If other people (read:mum) can see problems, then there are things you need to pay attention to and fix or solve.

If it'll help, write a letter to him. Whether you send it to him or not, it may give you closure if you write it like it's the last time you'll ever contact him, and just write everything- your fears, wishes, hopes you had for that relationship and where you were coming from when all this stuff went down and end it with what you've learned from this ordeal, and a promise to do better as a person because not everything is his fault here. Talk with your mom about where you two had been going wrong, and cry it out with her because it seems like she was looking out for you.

And please, whether you go into therapy or not, learn how to communicate with a significant other ESPECIALLY when you have disagreements. Too many people do not learn this and their problems always escalate into disasters. Good luck!