inexperienced female in love with an older male...

This topic was created in the Relationships & Astrology forum by Brittannie on Tuesday, February 22, 2011 and has 36 replies.
i can't sleep at night. i've barely eaten anything in the past 3 days...i have fallen in love (? or what I think is love) with a man for the very first time in my life but instead of being happy, i am plagued by fear. there is absolutely nothing pleasant about what i am going through internally right now.
growing up, i went to an all-girls private school so i've had almost zero interactions with men and i currently have zero dating skills. i can't talk to men. they scare me. i can't even look straight into their eyes when they're talking me so these men would eventually get frusterated with me and just dissapear (which i understand).
but there was this one man in particular who kept on trying and never grew tired of dealing with me and his level of patience and kindness blew me away. i now feel relatively comfortable around him and we have become good friends.
he is 4 years my senior and he's full of warmth and compassion. we met during a volunteering event but he has gone out of his way to spend more time with me even after that.
i have made desserts and delivered them to his workplace a couple times...i wanted to return his kind gestures and i couldn't think of anything else creative. i didn't have the courage to ask him out on a date...i couldn't be that brazen.
i want to tell this man how i feel but i just cannot find the courage within me to do so.
i don't feel like i have anything special to offer to this man...please assist me...i would be very grateful for any advice you can give me....
have you ever experienced one-sided love? can that one-sided love ever turn into something more? what if that man is older than you? how do i win his affection? (please do not suggest anything inappropriate or not suitable for an inexperienced person such as myself).

i'm an aries (march 21st, 1989) and he is a leo (july 26th, 1985)...i'm not sure if this helps.
1) I would guess that at your age 4 years would be about right. Males mature less quickly than females, in that respect I would have to guess that you aren't that far off.

2) Age really isn't all that important, really, it isn't.
3) The world is full of unrequited love.
4) Eliminating inappropriate behavior on your part is probably a good thing. So, short of actually asking him out, or tackling him, I expect you are doing about all you can to get his attention.

Good luck to you.....
Oh yeah, I am also going to guess that as you are an Aries, patience isn't one of your strongest points. You may have to learn a bit of patience, cause these things tend to take time.
i agree.
i think you're already doing everything that's within your power to get his attention. i mean, delivering desserts to his work place takes tremendous guts lol give yourself a pat on the back for that!
leo dudes love that type of shiit. they can't get enough of those thoughtful, feminine gestures. they love to be adored (my best buddy is a leo and i'm sure he would love this sorta thing).
by the way how long have you two known eachother?
you say this is a one-sided love but i'm getting the impression that the feeling might be mutual....cuz if this dude is going out of his way to spend more time with you, then that means he's somewhat interested, right? you said he kept trying to talk to you even after the other guys gave up.
he wouldn't be trying that hard to get to know you if he didn't like you.....and if he's doing all this volunteer work and stuff on top of that, then i don't think he's a douchebag....
don't be losing your sleep over this. lol i bet you're needlessly filling up your head with all these ''what if....?! scenarios''. lol i used to do that too until i realized it was pointless. lol you gotta let love unfold naturally. love is one of those things in life you can't control so you might as well sit back and enjoy the ride. lol
and for god's sake, eat something!!!! i understand not being able to sleep, but how can you not eat?! lol i've been down in the dumps before but i tell you, nothing in this world is going to keep me away from my food!!! LOL

1. Sounds like you are experiencing lust/infatuation moreso than love. Sounds like you're mistaking 1st time jitters/butterflies as love. Don't consider it love until you are fully comfortable communicating your feelings to him. A big part of something being "love" is in 1's ability to think self-LESSly. Without communication, there is no bond. Without a bond there is no trust. And w/o trust there is no love. If you truly think you "love" him already, love him enough to tell him.
2. I agree with what someone said above. You've already shown him plenty of signs that you're interested. Making deserts doesn't necessarily get out the signal that you're "in love" BUT if your main goal right now is to get the point across that you're into him, you've already done your part.
3. It's ok to be shy. It's ok to not be aggressive or have the words to say or explain your feelings. Sometimes being speechless is the best indication that you're onto something good =)
4. Him being 4 years older than you is NOT that big of an age difference. 10 years? Maybe, but I also agree that women mature faster than men, so I doubt the 2 of you are too far away from eachother, in regards to maturity.
5. He probably does see something special in you that you can't even see within yourself. You know what they say, there's always someone that can see true beauty within you even if no one else (including yourself) notices =)
6. Make sure he knows about your shy tendencies so that he won't accidentally mistake your shyness as something else, like perhaps you not being interested. Guys are more ok with inexperienced women moreso than women are ok with inexperienced men.
Just make sure this guy isn't TOO thrilled with the fact that you're inexperienced, b/c if so his intentions may be that of someone who is purposely looking for his inferior or someone he wants to control, manipulate or take advantage of simply b/c of your inexperience. I'm not saying flip out, BUT beware that there are absolutely some men who prey on women they feel are inexperienced, b/c they assume that inexperience goes hand in with a woman being naive, vulnerable & easily fooled
Good luck girlie!
Posted by Brittannie
i can't sleep at night. i've barely eaten anything in the past 3 days...



How dramatic

Posted by Brittannie
instead of being happy, i am plagued by fear. there is absolutely nothing pleasant about what i am going through internally right now.



That's how it always feel ... do you not listen to others, or watch movies/tv?
Do you think they portray the characters as suffering on accident?

Posted by Brittannie
have you ever experienced one-sided love? can that one-sided love ever turn into something more? what if that man is older than you? how do i win his affection? (please do not suggest anything inappropriate or not suitable for an inexperienced person such as myself).

click to expand


A person 4 years older than you is still within your age group ... but, it does sound more dramatic when you say it like that.

i would like to thank everyone for their responses.
@dofacc....you are right. perhaps it is still way too early for me to be this fearful. i get easily impatient and frusterated with myself more than anything....i belittle myself all the time by asking myself pessimistic questions like ''why can't you do anything right?" or "why are you so weak?"...i should really stop...i know i am not doing myself any favors by being this way...
@Jesse91 & krysrenee7....thank you both for those comforting words.
i have known this man for a little over a year now (about 14 months)....and i'm beginning to trust him because he has never once stopped being a gentlemen....i have never felt any kind of pressure from him at all...he says he genuinely enjoys talking to me and spending time with me....he keeps using the word 'unique'' to describe me...i'm not sure if that's a good thing or not...i've also had the pleasure of meeting his best male friend and his older sister on a few different occasions and they have told me what a great guy he is...he apparently hasn't been in a relationship with anyone for the past 3 years...and he is very much focused on his career right now....they told me that he is very serious-minded when it comes to relationships and that he isn't the type to go around and treat women badly...i don't think he is too concerned about the fact that i'm inexperienced either...he doesn't really seem to care all that much.....but in the past he has asked me once if i've ever had a boyfriend and i replied 'no' so he definitely knows that i'm...inexperienced...he looked very surprised, he said ''really?" but after that he never once brought it up.

Posted by krysrenee7
1. Sounds like you are experiencing lust/infatuation moreso than love. Sounds like you're mistaking 1st time jitters/butterflies as love. Don't consider it love until you are fully comfortable communicating your feelings to him. A big part of something being "love" is in 1's ability to think self-LESSly. Without communication, there is no bond. Without a bond there is no trust. And w/o trust there is no love. If you truly think you "love" him already, love him enough to tell him.




you are right....love should be selfless.....this is so very true....i felt so ashamed when i read this....here i am claiming to be in love with this man yet at the same time i am worried about whether or not i will look like a dork infront of him.....that is my stupid pride talking....if i don't love him enough to throw away my pride and tell him my true feelings, then i might as well throw in the towel right now...what am i doing? i must not let my stupid pride get in the way. i need to start constructing a game plan instead of whining like this. thank you for this wake-up call.
@P-Angel....i'm sorry. i will stop being dramatic.
my boyfriend is the same age as the guy you are interested in & i'm only one year older than you.
if i can do it, so can you! =)
four years is nothing in the grand scheme of things.
also, your inexperience is nothing to be ashamed of! a man who really likes you won't care - he may even find it appealing. you never know unless you put yourself out there. what's the worst that could happen? he says that he thinks you're lovely but he isn't interested in anything more. at least then you won't be worrying yourself to the point of not eating, right? you'll have your answer.
Posted by Brittannie
Posted by krysrenee7
1. Sounds like you are experiencing lust/infatuation moreso than love. Sounds like you're mistaking 1st time jitters/butterflies as love. Don't consider it love until you are fully comfortable communicating your feelings to him. A big part of something being "love" is in 1's ability to think self-LESSly. Without communication, there is no bond. Without a bond there is no trust. And w/o trust there is no love. If you truly think you "love" him already, love him enough to tell him.


you are right....love should be selfless.....this is so very true....i felt so ashamed when i read this....here i am claiming to be in love with this man yet at the same time i am worried about whether or not i will look like a dork infront of him.....that is my stupid pride talking....if i don't love him enough to throw away my pride and tell him my true feelings, then i might as well throw in the towel right now...what am i doing? i must not let my stupid pride get in the way. i need to start constructing a game plan instead of whining like this. thank you for this wake-up call.
click to expand


In my opinion, you're not whining at all. Don't let anyone fool you. We've ALL been through those stages when someone activates a little button within us for the 1st time that makes us go crazy & from extreme emotion to the other. Most of us went through this kind of mental battle with our 1st loves & sometimes this happens not b/c the other person is that great, BUT b/c our minds can sometimes overly respond to anything it enjoys for the 1st time ever. And it seems like with this guy, you're enjoying & experiencing what it means to have a genuine connection & admiration for someone for the very 1st time. That's a very powerful thing.
I'm not saying give up just b/c you can't get over your shyness. BUT be careful before you throw out the L word, not just to him but to yourself. Figure out what true love really is/means to you, so that you'll know if it's real or not when you're dating someone. For me, I'll know when I truly love someone when I feel damn near 100% comfortable communicating with them, opening up to them & yet STILL believing that through it all, they'll still like/admire me. THAT's when I'm finally open to the possibility that I might actually love someone. Being "in love?" M
Being "in love?" Maybe not just yet. But Hey, it's only natural to feel an intense connection to someone who seems to keep bringing a side out of you that you never knew was there or that no one else has been able to bring out of you =)
It's a good feeling, but since it feels so good, it can easily be mistaken as something else. Lust can easily be mistaken for love since it feels so good. We should never underestimate the power of emotions on others or on our own minds. It can make us feel things that aren't real just like it can make us fear things that don't exist
Posted by dancer23

You dont have to be condescending. Shes 21 and inexperienced, looking for ADVICE. That tone is really not necessary.




I'll decide what tone I take ... you can go take it up with yourself about your own tone, and decide my own.
She's not inexperienced ... she's a dramatic attention whore.
And, we are all innocent when we first start out in life. And not just about sex and relationships. You have a long ways to go. Enjoy the trip. As people are so fond of telling one another, it isn't the destination, it is the ride getting there.
And don't worry about feeling unsure and/or clumsy. "Discovering" one another is a wonderful thing to. With the right person you will get to Discover one another for a long, long time. A very exciting and wonder story all to it's self.
People should take a moment to read between the lines here. This girl talks very controlled, very composed for a person who is so in the throws of love that she cannot eat or sleep.
And then in another post she talks about how horrible she thinks she is.

These are items thrown in for effect .. for dramatic effect.

Because people who are in such dire straits with their emotions so tipsy that they cannot even manage to feed themselves, also cannot think straight.
Not only does this girl think straight, she is able to formulate for an anticipated response.

Now, you may talk to her however you choose .. and I will talk to her with all of that ^^^^^ in mind. And guess what? I won't ask for your permission.
Posted by dancer23
Posted by jordankyte
P-Angel,
i think you're taking advantage of the fact that this girl is passive.
just because she won't fight back, doesn't mean you can say whatever the hell you want to her.
she's obviously a nice girl because i don't sense any hostility from her AT ALL.
i don't know why you feel the need to be so mean towards her.
She hasn't done anything to you or anybody.


Unfortunately, some people are just mean spirited. Dont even waste your breath. She is swiftly becoming a troll IMO.
click to expand


Agreed. Obvious troll is obvious.
Poor girl. Sorry you're so sheltered. Been there, F that smile
@dancer23, jordankyte, happykitsune
you are all so kind but please don't worry about me. i'm ok...
@trifles light as air*
@ aPiscesPrincess
thank you both so much for those encouraging words. you are right. i am realizing that other girls my age are much more braver than me and that i should follow their example! i will no longer be intimidated by the age gap.
@krysrenee7
your warm, motherly advice has helped me greatly. i truly feel like i am now much better equipped to deal with these messy emotions of mine. i am thinking much more clearly and realistically about this situation...
@dofacc & everevolvingepithet
thank you so much. i will try my best to get over this inferiority complex of mine...
@P-Angel
it was not my intention to offend anyone...please forgive me if i seemed very needy and pathetic....i really did not realize...i am sorry...
Posted by jordankyte
P-Angel,
i think you're taking advantage of the fact that this girl is passive.
just because she won't fight back, doesn't mean you can say whatever the hell you want to her.
she's obviously a nice girl because i don't sense any hostility from her AT ALL.
i don't know why you feel the need to be so mean towards her.
She hasn't done anything to you or anybody.




How do you know that?
Do you know her personally?
Posted by Brittannie
@P-Angel
it was not my intention to offend anyone...please forgive me if i seemed very needy and pathetic....i really did not realize...i am sorry...





be real .. what the fuck would you apologize for?

And you can cut it with your game of innocence because I've got your number ...
"i have made desserts and delivered them to his workplace a couple times...i wanted to return his kind gestures and i couldn't think of anything else creative. i didn't have the courage to ask him out on a date...i couldn't be that brazen."
... because delivering food to a mans workplace is pretty fucking brazen.
And I'm not just going to believe for one second that a Ram is going to believe they aren't good enough ... others may believe your bullshit, I'm not going to.
"i don't feel like i have anything special to offer to this man"
There isn't a Ram alive who would feel that ^^^^ way .... they would say it to get attention, like yourself, but, never feel it.

So long as you bullshit ... I'm here telling you you're full of shit.
No, no one knows her personally, and neither do you. So why the venom? All of us don't pop out of the womb as
51-year-old know-it-alls. Most humans still have to start out with no experience and then gain it through trial-and-error. I used to take men gifts when I was young. I was so shy and terrified that it was the only way I could dare to show interest. Just because you don't understand something, or have never done it yourself, doesn't make someone full of shit. And just because you get so bent out of shape with emotion that you're no longer articulate doesn't make that so for other people. I'm kinda pissed now, but you'll notice that I can still use grammar and punctuation.
I'm talking to her ... when I address the rest of you, I'll say your names, or quote you.

So long as I feel like talking to her, I will.

And guess what? I won't ask for your permission, nor will I change the way I talk to please any of you.

Say what you will .. it doesnt' change anything except the amount of hits on this thread.
Posted by Whimsy
No, no one knows her personally, and neither do you.




How do you know I don't?
I could be one of her teachers, for all you know.
Posted by jordankyte
you seem like you're trying to do everything in your power to provoke her or get some kind of reaction out of her but it's obviously not working so you might as well cut it out.




Actually, you're wrong .. it's working with the rest of you quite nicely.
Why should I cut it out .. when all of you are willing participants to gang up on me?
keep running your mouth ..... let's see which one of you can figure that out
Posted by jordankyte
oh ok. i see that you've decided to play the victim now that everyone is ganging up on you.




But, of course you would say that ... easy out for you being stupid enough to run your mouth to the wrong person.
yeah brittannie don't come back. you don't need this kinda negativity in your life right now.
good luck with that dude! i'll be rooting for ya! =)
Posted by Brittannie
... but in the past he has asked me once if i've ever had a boyfriend and i replied 'no' so he definitely knows that i'm...inexperienced...he looked very surprised, he said ''really?"




It sounds like he was surprised that you would say 'no' ... why would he be surprised?
could it be because he recognizes that you pretend to be an innocent child.
Aren't you like 20 years old?
Highschool ... why would you make a highschool reference?
Oh, I see .. you are barely out of high school ..right.

Here's the thing .. I mentioned that show that you do the same thing you bitch about .. that you would get upset at me saying I'm a bully, and then 3 of you turn around and attempt to bully me into being quiet.
So, if I point that out .... your mind goes stupid, or maybe it already was, who knows, right? Because you're 19 still talking about high school, so that's clearly your level.

I will talk to this woman however I choose to .. I can bombard her with PM's if you like. Would you like that better?
Fact, this woman acts like well-spoken adult who is fiegning innocence to get attention ... and I'm going to continue to tell her if that's what I feel like doing.

You are more than welcome to PM her.
How people feel about me?

Great Job at spending all your time expressing how you feel about me.

You may continue.
Posted by Brittannie
(please do not suggest anything inappropriate or not suitable for an inexperienced person such as myself).




I would like to know that means?
You are 21, on a site with adults and no mods ... what are you referring to as inappropriate?

You come here to tell a story about how pure your virtue is, how you've captured a man with it ... and then say nobody can talk about what a man is after with an untouhed woman?

Other people may really be that stupid .... I'm not. I fully recognize the game you play for attention.
Posted by P-Angel
Posted by Brittannie
(please do not suggest anything inappropriate or not suitable for an inexperienced person such as myself).




I would like to know that means?
You are 21, on a site with adults and no mods ... what are you referring to as inappropriate?

You come here to tell a story about how pure your virtue is, how you've captured a man with it ... and then say nobody can talk about what a man is after with an untouhed woman?

Other people may really be that stupid .... I'm not. I fully recognize the game you play for attention.
click to expand



Would you like me to PM this question to you? I thought about doing that, but, then that wouldn't work for you, since it's obvious that the reason you made this thread was because you were seeking attention ... so you wouldn't like a PM.
Why would you go to a site that has no mods, where adults are ... and say not to tell you anything inappropriate?
Here you go, here's an example of what might be talked about on this site.

http://www.dxpnet.com/opinion/messages.asp?id=2447133
P-Angel, I can't believe I'm saying this to a 52 year old but seriously, you need to grow up. It's pretty sad that maturity obviously doesn't come with age. Are you really that insecure that you have to put somebody down to make yourself feel better? And no, don't deny all this, it's pretty obvious what you're doing =).
I'm suspect you're actually a 15 year old girl LOL pretending to be middle aged cos I have never come across somebody 30+ who acts in such an inane manner. Grow the hell up hun.
And since you come to forum with adults and ask not to be exposed to anything inappropriate ... perhaps you shouldn't go to the Scorpio board .... because you might find threads like this ..

http://www.dxpnet.com/opinion/scorpio/Let-s-talk-about-anal-and-vaginal-sex!-1110671.asp


I will look for the thread that tells a story about a woman and the cock she sucked .. I'll find it for you.
You do that.
dear op,
i don't have any good advice for you but can i just tell you how refreshing it is to see a polite, modest girl like you for a change? smile i hope things went well for you.

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