Ugh! Does done mean done?

This topic was created in the Relationships & Astrology forum by CaringCancer on Friday, January 18, 2013 and has 20 replies.
Yep, here I am again. I know 'signs' don't make the man - but this one has been pretty up to snuff in his sign profile, and our relationship has been pretty on key with how a Cancer/Scorps should be. Yes, I over analyze, as many of you know. Yes, I worry. Our relationship has again been on a months long harmonious high - a good, healthy high. He has stopped the "games", the withdrawing, the temper, the coldness. It's been perfect. He's moved into my house, loves my dog, my family, my roommate, excelled in school, been able to spend more time with his daughter, and we've been overall in the best place.
Now, practically moving into my house wasn't a request made by me. It just happened, our lives occur here. He was temporarily living with his family here until he could finish school and get a better job. He has placed his well-being into my hands in many ways, and I have never let him down - how could I? I'm a Cancer. Yet, recently, he's needed space. I totally get that and I am fine with that. He needs to get away and recharge. He was going to take a trip to see his brother for a week to finish a remodeling project at his house. Unfortunately, it didn't work out.
We communicate well and often, and he's completely come out of his shell. He states often how much he loves me, and his actions are loyal and thoughtful. He's driven by complex and deep emotion, but he's learned to give them to me too, so that I understand.
Unlike my previous posts about not understanding him, questioning him, etc., this one is to clarify a few things. I read that a Scorpio takes a LONG time to decide to end a relationship, but that once they do, they are gone. NOW, today, on a very emotional and out of the blue move, he decides that he needs to move back home. That he's not NEEDED here, and that he is done with our relationship. Seriously, this was out of the blue. Nothing has happened, no fights, no NOTHING. Again, things have been harmonious, and if ever a temper flares or there's a misunderstanding we have handled it well (thanks to many of you folks' advice!)
So - he's sent a few texts but nothing conclusive. What's going on? Is he finished for real? Just a temper? Space? For him to pack up and go is what tells me that he's gone for good? Thoughts?
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Based on my own conclusions, I have decided that relationship break ups that happen out of the blue are the worst. It usually takes careful thinking on the part of the dumper to come to this decision, so unlike breaking up in anger, he will most likely feel the same way about it, later, and have no regrets. Perhaps he felt something was missing in the relationship, and it isn't worth it to stay around when he has other things to do? Just a guess, though. It is really terrible on the part of the dumpee, though, because usually, it's not anything you've done, it's just that the person doesn't have something the other is looking for. Such as, a deeper connection, or the available time, or the same interests, etc. Or rather, you two had it, but it just died. And, I, personally, think it's near impossible to get those things/feelings back. Usually a person won't try again, if there is seemingly nothing great to go back to (which once again, is not your fault, he's just looking for something different than what you can provide.) I have been an out-of-the-blue dumper, before, so all of this is just based on my own experiences and feelings. Everyone is different, but I just thought I'd tell you my side, anyway, in case it were to help at all. I would say, if my thinking were to go along with his, then he will not be back. And if he does, he probably won't be very happy or stick around for long, again.
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I totally see your points Scenic, thanks for replying. You could very well be right. If that's the case, however, then everything he said to me just the other night was a lie. You see, he's got THE biggest heart. And he gave that heart to me, without a doubt. I thought I knew him, and I know the man that was clinging to me, telling me how much he needed me, and how much he loves me, in tears, just a couple days ago, is a real man, battling with many things. But, maybe you're right - Maybe it was all fake.
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Hmm, well from that post, he sounds really confused. Maybe he's making the wrong decisions because he's confused and feels he has no other options? Either way, maybe this is best for him. Perhaps he'll find himself through making mistakes and may come back. Not all scorpios refuse to look back once they're gone. Well, I'm not really going to give any more of my opinion on that because I don't know how I'd word it and there's too many possibilities floating around in my mind. So, I'll let someone else come in and take a new stance on this. Good luck.
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Ask him, and if its too tough of a subject at the moment, tell him to take his time to give you an answer so its not like your cornering him.
This is not a horoscope thing... Just a... need to thing? Tongue
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No disrespect and yes this probably is going to sound mean but I believe the role you've chosen to play is NOT ATTRACTIVE, it reeks of desperation and a man will inevitably decide you're not enough. He's losing himself, losing his edge nesting with you. What do you want? Do you want marriage? And if you don't want marriage then why nest with him, your behavior is sending out the wrong message about you if marriage isn't what your wanting.
Did your life stop for him, meaning did you keep every appointment, did you go out on your regular girls night out, did you keep a significant amount of focus on your life, your issues etc, did you stay involved in your hobbies, family, friends, work, did you take up a few new hobbies, go to school maybe to brush up a bit and if you don't stay busy, if you don't keep yourself occupied on your life then it all feels like neglect and it all feels as if you're revolving your whole life around him and that feels NEGLECTFUL, it feels as if you're not focusing on yourself because you have no life opting to make him your life and some men don't like it long term, short term is fine but long term feels like mothering and it gets old real fast so a man will just want to leave and remove himself before he becomes mean and neglectful.
He's not going to be nice all the time, his moods and emotions change often, instead try finding a balance between his good side and his bad side, meaning when he's not attentive instead of REWARDING him with more love and attention (negative or positive) just go find something else to do and think about something else like your life and your to do list and do it, stop doing him all the time b/c it gets old and it's a chore and men get BORED with it very fast and they leave.
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Also he mentioned he said "he's not needed" and that brings up another question. Is he contributing financially to the house hold including food, electric etc? Is he taking care of you? Washing your hair, ironing your clothes, rubbing your back, walking the pets if needed, fixing the car, getting the car tuned up. In other words is he allowed to contribute to the relationship by taking good care of you. Or are you making his life simple and easy by pulling up his slack? If your pulling his slack then this could be one of many contributing factors, he feels emasculated, as if your taking up the slack, doing his part and your part in the relationship which includes accepting his excuses on why he can't do this or that and that's the only time a man will feel not needed, your softness and niceness is killing your relationship.
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Thanks Scenic, Tomber, and Tiki - Tiki, to answer your questions - I never expected or asked him to nest with me. It just happened. It became easier for him to have things at my home. He helped move me in here and he's been here since day one. I've never made him feel like he HAD to be here - he has treated this home as his own since then. He has fixed it up, taken care of my yard, my dog, he has become a part of this house, without my asking him to - I don't want marriage from him NOW. I've not asked him for that nor do I expect it. But our lives work that way. We had our relationship balanced. He pays for groceries, dates, etc. when he can. If he can't, he does dishes, laundry, organizes, things a guy normally wouldn't typically do (sorry guys). In many ways, I have put aside SOME parts of my life for him. Not all parts, I still have my hobbies and my loves and my family and friends, but he also brings joy to my life that I've not ever found. You are probably dead on right, Tiki. So how do I fix it?
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Breakups that happen like that are so hard, and sudden. Like a shock to the body and mind- you can't quite process everything all at once. You begin to retrace your steps and search for the first signs of trouble. It could be that while he appeared to be happy and okay on the outside, on the inside he was silently pondering why he had moved in, if it was the right choice, and if you were the person he was meant to be with. It could have been bubbling inside him for so long that it made him worry about all the possibilities for the future that -could- be. A thing about men- and Scorpio men/women in specific- is that we go through life with the want and desire of moving in with someone and becoming so close with another being that we're almost like one person, and when it finally happens many of us begin to doubt and even fear the future. We question that which we have always wanted.
After I nearly two years with my boyfriend I experienced that panicky feeling. It took my awhile of mental gymnastics to realize I -am- happy, that I'm in love with him and what I hold now is what I've always deeply desired. It may be that your Scorpio man will begin to think more of you as time goes on and realize what he left behind. Or perhaps he won't, there is just no way for you to know or to stop him. So as hard as it is, try with all your might to free your mind from burdening thoughts. You can not control his actions or figure out his reasoning by retracing the past. Let a bit of time pass before you begin to ask him questions about why he left, enough time to where he can talk to you first.
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CaringCancer I'm going to private message you....Check your inbox.
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Thanks Meow...I really thought we were past the panicky. I really did. As a tried and true questioner, I was at peace with where we were and the role he played. Damn. Tiki, will look for your message. Thanks.
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Hey Jynga! What are your thoughts?
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Thanks Jynja - See, he's not exactly feeling like a "man", that's for sure. He's been through a lot and is rebuilding his life. He's told me that he needs me for this, that I keep him from making the same mistakes he's made in his past, and that I am everything he wants AND needs. The emotions that we feel together for each other are overwhelming, and normally we work in sync with each other. He is struggling through many things in past weeks, and where he would normally talk it through with me, he's done a complete 180. He's planning for his future and he wants me in it - or so he said. My home has become his home, my dog, his dog, and so on. We have fought for each other plenty of times, only to return stronger and more aware of each other. My heart tells me that him packing up and leaving - but leaving a few things here so he could return at a later date - is his way of becoming "independent" again, dramatic as it is. I thought female Cancers were drama queens? I do my own thing, have my life, my job, I'm successful and directed. Right now, he's finishing school, is off work for the season, and generally down about his future. But why walk away so abruptly from something that you say you need? Just the other night he was taking care of me when I was sick. He loves me, I know he does.
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You're right about true love and letting someone go so that they can find the one that can perhaps "love them better." There are times that his perceived self worth and manliness is so low that he will never deserve something perfect. The thing is that I don't expect or demand anything from him than just HIM. How we are, how we've handled things, how we've grown personally and together. We teach each other valuable lessons and have hours of laughter and deep conversation.
He left valuable things behind. Yesterday he said he'd be by later to pick them up and never came. They aren't keepsakes, for sure.
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He is very driven in his goals. Many of his current goals have been attained while with me, and with my encouragement and reminders. But not wanting to appear too 'mothery', I often trust that his drive will also stay strong. For example, he has a surgery that needs to be done. It was supposed to be done this month, but he just hasn't done it. I'm not sure if it's fear, or what...But occasionally he'll turn to me and say, "Some days, I don't know what to do next, and other days, I'm spot on. I need your help." He and I make lists, of things he needs to achieve, because he loses track and gets overwhelmed. I sometimes need a nudge to look for a new car, or accomplish a few things of my own. If he sees me not doing these things, he gets upset - for my own good I suppose. But sometimes I get wrapped up in the moment and forget...But is all this a reason to just walk away? To be honest, there are times in the past that his temper has kicked in and he's said he's finished - he just didn't have all of this stuff and my house. Generally within a day or so, one of us will call the other and talk it out. But this time? To take all of his things? To make such a rash decision? I just don't get it. It would be one thing if my intuition told me that it was ME that he was pulling away from - I'd expect this. But just the other night he and I were talking again, heart to heart, and he again told me how much I mean to him and how much he loves me...How do you just turn away?
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Thanks Jynja. To be honest, I've been nothing but honest with him. I truly feel that he's scared right now. He's in a position of limbo in many ways. He's got duties to his family that he hasn't been able to attain because of schoolwork and time. Right now I know he's working on a project finally at his mom's house that he said he'd finish. I truly believe that he felt he was slacking on many of his tasks and felt the need to get away to get them done. But honestly? I've never inhibited him from doing them. I've not made him feel like I am demanding his time - so why take it out on me? You hurt the ones you love the most? Really? He's done this in the past, but never to the point of making this sort of rash decision. He's texted today, almost like nothing is wrong...just to let me know he's working on the house.
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" He's told me that he needs me for this, that I keep him from making the same mistakes he's made in his past, and that I am everything he wants AND needs."
I'm just going to be blunt okay, not to hurt you but to get your cognitive skills a work out. He lied, men don't dump women they NEED, the mere fact that he left the relationship means he didn't mean what he said or he just meant it temporarily as in the moment but what he said didn't mean forever.
"The emotions that we feel together for each other are overwhelming, and normally we work in sync with each other. "
Could it be you are projecting, projecting your feelings onto him which impairs you you emotionally, typically when someone is in love we project our feelings onto our partners but it doesn't make it so.
" We have fought for each other plenty of times, only to return stronger and more aware of each other."
Could it be you fought for him, he just cruised through the relationship while you did the heavy lifting.
"He is struggling through many things in past weeks, and where he would normally talk it through with me, he's done a complete 180. "
Don't make his struggle into an excuse for his distant behavior, it's not the struggle that's turned into a 180, it's him and his loss of attraction for you, somewhere along the way you most likely did too much, gave too much and he lost interest in the relationship.
"He's planning for his future and he wants me in it - or so he said. "
Another passive lie, men don't leave women they need, he can't plan a future with a woman whose giving too much, men leave women that give too much b/c it's a sign of desperation, he can be a loser and still feel you are not good enough b/c the giving too much is a SIGN of desperation, men leave women that appear desperate. Disclaimer: I do not feel you are desperate, I feel you are a nurturer, a healer, a woman that forgives and evolves but sometimes those great qualities if over done reek of desperation, there has to be a healthy balance so the message will align itself with him in a positive way.
"My home has become his home, my dog, his dog, and so on. "
It's YOUR home, he's just a guess in your home, men (real men) want to be able to provide and if they can't provide in the capacity they feel they should, then they leave. It's YOUR home, it's not his home and that can become a problem, he most likely saw how well your doing and became envious and a bit jealous.
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"My heart tells me that him packing up and leaving - but leaving a few things here so he could return at a later date - is his way of becoming "independent" again, dramatic as it is"
True but don't let him come back in and out of your life, if you set the stage for him to exit whenever it's convenient for him, he'll inconvenience you emotionally and mentally and when you don't set a standard, a boundary that can't be crossed he'll get the WRONG MESSAGE that it's okay to leave you hanging only to come back when it's convenient for him, you essentially make it about him and in doing that you appear desperate which only solidifies his reason to leave when things get to heavy, while he's away, he's looking for better but you'll do FOR NOW.
" I do my own thing, have my life, my job, I'm successful and directed. Right now, he's finishing school, is off work for the season, and generally down about his future."
And that's part of the problem, he's envious maybe even jealous of you and your success, you unknowingly make him feel like a loser be it intentional or unintentionally, he doesn't feel good around you long term, he needs space to get his life together so he can feel like your equal.
"Just the other night he was taking care of me when I was sick. He loves me, I know he does."
He loves you but he's not in love with you, men don't leave women they are in love with but they love someone and still leave and if he's not happy with himself he'll leave just b/c he's seeking his own happiness instead of living through you and your happiness, that makes a man feel lousy inside.
Let him go find himself, he'll be happier knowing that you understand his desire to follow his dreams and passions in life and yet if his behavior is disruptive then you should consider cooling things down a bit before too much mental-emotional damage is done to you.
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"He's told me that he needs me for this, that I keep him from making the same mistakes he's made in his past, and that I am everything he wants AND needs."
There is a lot of telling things in your posts regarding your boyfriend, including that he has, in a temper, threatned or in fact left before - not good signs for a long term committment no matter if you emotionally make it up and get back together afterwards. But this sentence above is what has struck me the most ^^^^^^^^^^
If he NEEDS you then this is a problem, because nobody really needs anyone to stop them from doing something or help them to do something, because eventually when they figure out how to do it themselvs, well the person they needed to help them in the first place becomes redundant. He needs to want you, not need you. He most likely knows he needs you and this probably isn't sitting well with him, because he doesn't want a woman that he needs either, he wants a woman that he wants. When you have finished helping him to fix himself he will move on to someone he wants.
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He will come back because good personal assistants are hard to find. If you are cool with being a 7-11 convenience store then take him back. But, if you want a real relationship then this guy is to be avoided. You already know that you can do better than this nonsense. smile
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