Advice needed. . . . .

A guy from school has been looking for me for years. . He eventually found me and we started an on line relationship. Connection was there, get on well on all levels, turns out he is in an open relationship, wife more like a sister now as they have been married 20years. He has admitted to being smitten with me and things became quite lusty on line. . . . Since he shared with his wife about me it seems things have cooled a bit. . . No lusty things now even though undertones, texts and mail have considerably reduced to maybe once every 2 or 3 days . . . As we are both busy it's fine. I have always made it clear i was happy with e contact and phone call and the possible odd physical rendevous, however I am unsure what has happened, the messages are no where near as full on, we both know how each other feel, I don't tend to message him first. Has he lost interest in me and can't tell me I'm dumped? I have always believed and trusted him. He is a sag.

It sounds like the excitement has dwindled down and he's lost interest.

Thanks for that. . . Maybe I should dump him and move on . . .

Understand that most people who engage in open relationships AND have managed to stay together for 20 years usually set some boundaries

Sounds like this guy might've crossed some of those boundaries. Maybe his wife felt the connection was too strong, emotional or intimidating.

And if that's how she felt, then of course she wouldn't make him cut you off completely, but she'd require that he tone it down some

And no offense, but that's his partner of 20 years. If you think he's gonna jeopardize his marriage for an online fling, know that that's a battle you'll lose every time. And that's how it should be! Wife comes before anyone else!

OR it could be that your chemistry reached it maximum capacity & since open relationships with others don't always mean physical sex has to be involved, maybe he got bored or felt like you guys had went as far as you possibly could w/o actually crossing boundaries probably set by his wife.

I'm curious...how did you find out he was in an open relationship? Did his wife say something to you or did he just randomly tell you?

I'm hoping you weren't actually expecting a full blown commitment or monogamy out of this man?

Even if he wasn't in an open relationship, he's off limits period b/c he's married. And it's never fair to cause problems or break up a marriage all b/c you're in your "feelings."

If you're just looking for something with no attachment or commitment but kinda hot & sex-driven like you had with this guy, then hey no one can judge you BUT remember that there are OTHER millions of men on the planet too lol And half of them wouldn't mind giving you that, especially the SINGLE ones lol

Thanks for that it puts it into some perspective . . . . .i found out re open relationship as at the start it was purely platonic. . . He then started flirting and I shared I had an issue with this as I knew he was married. . . . .he then sent an email telling me that him and his wife were in lust and never in love. . . .he found she liked bi sexual women so they indulged in 3 ways etc some couple stuff but then he says over the years he got bored of it. . . . .and even though his wife still indulged he wasn't that bothered.

I had made it clear from the start I didn't want anyone getting hurt as wife does come first. . . .he said she would actually be pleased that he was getting some pleasure from somewhere!

However he had shared with her that he had become smitten with me and now texts every 2 or 3days. . . .I never text him first and it's quite platonic which is fine. . . . I have never questioned him about it . . . .i wouldn't want him to leave his relationship he is 3000 miles away . . .
He has shared in the past that his wife had become more insecure even though he was okay about exes visiting and the odd woman. . . .he even invited me over which I declined and around this time is when he cooled off a bit

This story sounds fishy. Not on your part but his.

Perhaps it is possible that they have an open-relationship but it seems that his wife has all the traits of women who AREN'T in open relationships lol

It doesn't make sense that she's so insecure & that they're not even in love with each other. Most couples in open-relationships very much so are in love with each other, which is the whole reason behind them setting boundaries with who they talk to on the outside

Those couples tend to establish boundaries b/c they don't want anyone/anything to jeopardize or override the intense love they have for one another

And honey, things are platonic with you & him at all! Don't be na??ve. It's not platonic if even 1 person is pushing for intimacy. Platonic means both people are not are just friends with no plans/thoughts of anything further

In the same way it's a bad move to remain friends with an ex if there's still feelings involved, I think it's also a bad idea to try to be friends with someone who is constantly pushing you to be more IF that's not what you want.

Both people should always be on the same page & want/not want the same things

I'd stay away from this guy. Doesn't seem like you're really in this for the "friendship" aspect b/c you don't know him well enough to be this persistent in being his friends. Seems like you're smitten by him but are trying to keep your feelings under control since you have morals about marriage

Which is fine. Just be careful. I doubt that what he's saying about his wife is true. Remember, married men who step outside of their marriage aren't usually so honest about things.

Oldest trick in the book: Make it seem like the wife is trippin so that it justifies the true problem which is that he wants to stray

If his marriage was THAT bad or boring, he would've left the relationship like the other millions of people who file for divorce.

Don't turn into this man's "down time" "plaything" "part-time" or "void-filler" all b/c he's bored & alone. You're worth more than that!

He's not the guy who will sweep you off your feet & marry you. He's not the guy who you'd even trust to be faithful persay you 2 actually do become a couple.

He's the guy that's just looking for a temporary replacement for his wife b/c he's not willing to leave her.

That oughta be 1 position you ought not fill!

Thank you so much for your advice, it's good to hear that perspective. I tried to end it over the week end and funnily he has said it's difficult to keep the spark going thousands of miles away when we haven't even reached first base. Even then i have still received texts over the weekend! not sexual! why cant he let go? You are right re my feelings, you have answered my questions I am asking re why hasn't he left before now etc. I know she is tied into the business as is her family and he has kids to support but that's not my issue. Maybe he just needs a boost now and then!
Thanks again I really appreciate your advice!

Posted by Boots671
Thank you so much for your advice, it's good to hear that perspective. I tried to end it over the week end and funnily he has said it's difficult to keep the spark going thousands of miles away when we haven't even reached first base. Even then i have still received texts over the weekend! not sexual! why cant he let go? You are right re my feelings, you have answered my questions I am asking re why hasn't he left before now etc. I know she is tied into the business as is her family and he has kids to support but that's not my issue. Maybe he just needs a boost now and then!
Thanks again I really appreciate your advice!

I understand

Either way, it's not your business or responsibility to provide a "boost" just b/c he's a little bored or unsatisfied in his marriage.

He should be using hobbies, books, & God as his crutch when he's going through a "boredom" phase, not women!

He shouldn't be involving you in his marital business. There are always 2 sides to every story.

Maybe if he spent more time taking responsibility for himself & HIS part in why the marriage may not be working out (IF that story is even true), & maybe if he spent all the energy he's putting into other women and channeled that energy into his marriage, he wouldn't be so "bored."

You may never figure out the "Why" of what he's doing, nor should you want to considering the big picture hasn't changed: He's married which means he's off limits. Not only do outsiders have to respect that but so should the person whose actually INSIDE the marriage lol

I have NO pity or respect for men who go OUTSIDE of their marriage to fix the problems going on INSIDE the marriage

They go outside of the marriage to fill their voids, then wonder why the marriage is so shaky!

Well, it SHOULD be if you never allow your partner to meet your needs or fix the problems that are only b/w the 2 people in the relationship!

That's another reason married men are off limits to me. They always seem to be the victim & have these long drawn out sob stories that are designed to make the other woman think that she is indeed somehow "saving" him from such a bad marriage/wife.

When in fact, 99% of the time, if the other woman calls the wife, she'll have a completely different version of the story & might even tell you some things about the guy that'll make ya run like hell anyways lol!

A word of wisdom: Don't ever chase or be with a man b/c you feel sorry for him or want to save him from some bad relationship that probably isn't so bad after all, as made apparent by the fact that he hasn't left the relationship!

Be with someone b/c they are emotionally AND legally available & b/c they want to be with you for who you are, and not just the voids you can fill