BF's Brother

Last night, my BF's Aries mother invited me to join her and her family in the living room to discuss plans for a family night. She wants to dedicate at least one day out of the week where she and her hubby cook, and we all get together and play games, etc. She said she wanted me there to help plan and to make sure things didn't conflict with my schedule.

During the conversation, she asked me if I liked my BF's brother, the libra. She put me on the spot, and I didn't respond. This led to extreme awkwardness. After insistent prompting from my BF's mom, where she asked me if I liked the libra and asked the libra if he liked me, libra spoke: "I think she [meaning me] is a great person. She's a good person, and she's super smart. But I think she's immature and acts childish for her age. The fact that she didn't answer you when you asked her if she likes me makes me like her less in this moment because I think that was childish of her. Her childishness overflows when [his brother, my boyfriend] is around. I would think she would have at least lied and answered you that she liked me considering you, mom, are someone she wants to like her. I would have taken a fake "yes, I like him" over her silence. Again, she's super smart, but she's childish."

I didn't take it well. Everyone was there and libra was saying these things, and I was trapped inside my own head and thoughts. The mother suggested that libra and my BF go out and paint shelves, and she invited me to make tea and talk. She took me by my hand and led me outside to her deck. That contact made me emotional, and I began to sob.

The mother apologized for making the situation stressful, and I told her that I know she has good intentions, but that I feel everyone has an opinion of my boyfriend (her son) and me, and our relationship. I told her that my BF and I can get caught up in each other, but that it's never my intention to offend anybody. She told me that I have a unique sparkle, and a joy that she hopes I never lose. She said that when I'm her age, she hopes that people think I'm 18, and that my free-spiritedness should never be lost, and that I should never apologize for it. I told her libra is really intense and that he's critical and makes me feel stressed. She reassured me that that is his nature, and that she understands where I'm coming from. "You don't hate him, right?" I told her that I didn't. She told me that she senses a good heart in me, that her son (my BF) loves me so much, and that she feels safe with me.

She asked that I wake up happy, and I told her I would. Libra drove me to my father's home this morning, and it was silent save for a pitiful effort on both our parts to converse.

Libra and I are just so different. I think we both have good intentions, in that we want to have a good relationship. I'm just not sure how to go about doing that. How do you go about building/maintaining a good relationship with your love's siblings? What have your experiences been like

they are just people, you don't have to like them or be best of friends etc. - but just be friendly - not sure what all the focus is on this family thing - too much drama and stress for me ... the mother seems to want to come off as being nice but she sounds a tad scary to me ...

you sound young and impressionable - I mean why is this mother dictating that everyone get together once a week - frightful to me to say the least - control issues, nosey, prying ... ? your emotions were trying to tell you something when you lost it - she is way too intrusive ...

Posted by tcta
they are just people, you don't have to like them or be best of friends etc. - but just be friendly - not sure what all the focus is on this family thing - too much drama and stress for me ... the mother seems to want to come off as being nice but she sounds a tad scary to me ...

you sound young and impressionable - I mean why is this mother dictating that everyone get together once a week - frightful to me to say the least - control issues, nosey, prying ... ? your emotions were trying to tell you something when you lost it - she is way too intrusive ...

I don't want to think negatively about his mother. She is very family oriented, and the libra just graduated college and is speaking about moving to the west coast. That means the mother won't see one of her two sons for a long time. Her mother abandoned her with her father when she was very young, so I appreciate the emotion she feels about family and wanting to cherish familial moments when we can. She is utterly generous with her home and with her self. She gives me presents, and I get good vibes from her. I think she's every girlfriend's dream when it comes to the mother of her love.

She told me she loves me and she wants me to feel safe with her. I get overwhelmed easily and people drain me. Ideally, I would love to simply be alone wth my BF, but I know that isn't possible. I realize that being a part of my BF's life means I am adopting his whole family. We had a family night this past weekend where she baked goodies and we played Cranium. I was there in the moment, but felt exhausted afterward.

Posted by tiziani
Seems normal to me but from what I've seen Americans are generally pretty detached. I don't think you'll do yourself any favours by over analysing otherwise you'll probably get tense and go into yourself. Maybe they are just searching for the side of you that tells them to fuck off and not overstep the line. Then they'll like you even more.

Overthinking is one of my vices. I am definitely worried that my feelings and behavior with my BF will be affected if I overanalyze. Last night, I was definitely in my shell after the incident, and I was distant with him. I don't want that, so I have to figure out a better way to cope.

While playing a game called Cranium, I kept drawing a card that instructed me to draw the clue with my eyes closed. I was teamed up with my BF and his mother. After a few turns, libra was talking: "You know what I hate? When someone who is drawing nods vigorously when their teammates are close to guessing correctly." His girlfriend looked embarrassed and said, "Some people just get excited."

I said: "Hey. I did that my last turn while I was drawing. But you said it annoyed you. I'm goina keep doing it then!" everyone laughed except libra.

I handled that with humor, but he's just an intense person. Perhaps that's the part of my personality I'm going to have to employ most often when interacting with him.

Posted by sadpopcorn
meh don't let in laws make you feel inadequate

Thanks, Ands.

Posted by juliette
Wow, maybe it's a cultural difference, but i would think that there's something seriously wrong with her. The story remainds me of a cult, lets be totally honest, hold hands, while the cult leader the big mamma controls everyone and every relationship in her family. She put you in a uncomfortable position on purpose, my guess to weaken you. And then did the opposite offered so much kind words. Why, to control you as well.

I'm sorry, i hope i'm wrong, but be cautious.

In your opinion, why do you think she wants to weaken me?

Perhaps she was trying to see real emotion from me? I am generally reserved, only openly expressing joy or curiosity. It's only with my BF (or my siblings) that I reveal myself. She has mentioned to me before about my going to a place in my head where no one else can follow. She does share things with me, but I generally listen. I'm private and would rather simply share things with my BF, although I do try to open up so as not to alienate her. I'm feeling stressed for showing emotion the way I did and letting my BF's brother get to me. I just hope that with the right perspective from me, that incident can bring me closer and strengthen my relationship with his family (although I feel as though my relationship with him should be priority.)

u r an INFJ also right? i agree with juliette the mother was too controlling. i'd feel extremely unconformable in your shoes when i was younger. as i get older i get bolder and care less of what others think. i'd smile and reply his mom "it's a love/hate thing" 😉. my sag rising would be even bolder than the libra though when i heard his bold response lol

i agree i'd expect my SO to speak up if his family put me on the spot. it's not a tall order because i would do that for him. i would put a stop before any harm from my family reaches him.