Calling all MUM'S

This topic was created in the Relationships forum by pooface222 on Saturday, April 11, 2020 and has 25 replies.
I need to ask a serious question.

First of all, let me share my situation.

I've kind if shared this story before a while ago but this time its from the Perspective of being a Mum.

I want to ask..

What would you do in this situation?

I had a baby to a controlling b****rd. I never knew how truly bad he was until our baby was born 6yrs ago.

By the time she was 7 months old, my marriage was over and I hated him!

He was threatening to take our baby and leave me if I dont do as he says. I was terrified!

However to complicate things, his mother began dying of cancer in these first few months.

I felt guilty. I wanted to divorce my grieving husband. The guilt was tearing me apart. As was the guilt of tearing apart my childs life with divorce.

But I stayed. It was AGONY! I hated him! Love Desire and Friendship was GONE! But it was Agony thinking of leaving too!

I didnt know which way to turn.

I ended up with Chronic Depression, Anxiety, Loneliness, and Confusion over what to do - all that On Top of Guilt!

I was swinging between not talking to my husband, and fighting with him and crying my eyes out!

He called me Sad, desperate and a loser!

I told him I wanted to move out to have space to heal and recover and also relax to be a mum.

He refused to let me move out.

Refused to pay rent for me and our baby, so i can look after her myself.

Refused to allow me to get a job to pay rent myself (and put little one in nursery)

I was trapped!

So I became a caged animal shouting and crying to get out of the marriage.

He is a nasty fighter and a sore loser so he will argue and fight dirty if he has to.

And if that means accusing me of parental alienation just because I choose to move out then he will do it.

I literally couldn't do anything out of fear!

So...

My question..

Would you a
Continued..

..stay in the marriage to protect your child from him? Even though this is detrimental to your emotional mental health, and need to be loved and cared for, as well as your baby?

Or..

Would you get divorced knowing you will have an even BIGGER Fight on your hands in Court over Custody and Money if you do?

I chose to stay. I couldn't face breaking up my childs home!

And its f*cked me up!

I hated him. He did nothing to make things better between us.

My 3 mummy friends all said "Think of your child."

My own mother also said..

"Think of your child m."

But..

WHAT ABOUT ME??

Mummies..Talk to Me!!

DOESN'T A MOTHERS NEEDS MATTER??

I just think we are told WAY TOO MUCH to Put Our Kids First to the point of guilt if you even dare to put YOURSELF first!

My depression deepened into I was an inconsolable MESS.

He divorced Me.

He moved out.

He got a flat.

Now..he has a girlfriend!

And I'm Wrecked - emotionally and financially!

And I'm left house-hunting as he has paid me off to move out of our 4 bed home while he moved back in!

He divorced me for Unreasonable Behaviour all because I was Chronically Depressed!

I wish I had divorced HIM now.

And now I'm left with very painful regret!

MUMMIES...

What would you do?

😢
Posted by Devil

Your post got cut out.
I know..my child grabbed my phone.

Have finished my post now x
If the child will suffer from the tension between her mum and dad, better to live separately...

I remember Dr. Phil saying, "it's better to be from a broken home than live in one".

Homes can be more broken and have a devestating effect on children when two parents can't stand each other....
Well life is kinda funny. As I see it, you were supposed to stand up, protect your child, take responsibility instead of putting the blame on him. So when you didn’t do it, it got done for you. Life in a toxic environment can damage your children, staying so he could support you & you didn’t hVe to work is better how? You wanted to be with your child 24/7 and that’s the truth of it. I never had that luxury in or out of marriage. I left when I realized the tension was affecting my child and the best thing I could do was to be strong & leave. Choose myself. Choose my children. In the end, we are all far better off because I left. I worked my ass off and encouraged my children to walk the road, fight the fight, and got them to whatever help they needed to get there.

In the end, it doesn’t matter I gave up a lot of material things. I took the healthy road, and I did the right things. It wasn’t stay to keep the family together btw. And any guy who talks to you that way darling, is not worth any of it. Be strong. Start now to pull yourself up and take care of you & your daughter emotionally, financially and physically. You can do it. Stop worrying about what he did, and be the better person. It will pay off.
I’m gonna be frank

Divorcing my abuse husband left me devastated.

He manipulated the system and walked away with all the control.

I do not fucking care because I am free of him.

Stop being the victim of this. Stop being passive. Take control of your mental health. Get your life in order. You are strong and powerful but as long as you are a victim’ of the situation you will get no where.

At no point will it be easy. At no point will anyone pat you on the back. Instead you will get shit spit at you for tolerating it for so long. So stop expecting validation that you were the victim or this is unfair.

Find a support, get help for your depression and get that life in order.
Posted by Jade_Alexander

I’m gonna be frank

Divorcing my abuse husband left me devastated.

He manipulated the system and walked away with all the control.

I do not fucking care because I am free of him.

Stop being the victim of this. Stop being passive. Take control of your mental health. Get your life in order. You are strong and powerful but as long as you are a victim’ of the situation you will get no where.

At no point will it be easy. At no point will anyone pat you on the back. Instead you will get shit spit at you for tolerating it for so long. So stop expecting validation that you were the victim or this is unfair.

Find a support, get help for your depression and get that life in order.
Thank you for saying that because that is exactly what I have done..be the victim! And now I am paying the price!

Its why I wrote this post in the first place. I am full of hatred and self-loathing because I didnt care for myself emotionally or mentally.

Everyone around me - MUMS - said "Think of your child. Think of your child!" Its for THIS reason that I didn't get out of the bad situation I was in. I felt guilty breaking her life up!

I even met another man 5yrs ago who was everything I dreamt of in a man and was loving and sensitive and was also in an unhappy relationship and wanted to leave her for me.

I never left for fear of wrecking my childs life. So he left me after waiting 2yrs for me. Si that has ripped me to tiny bits because he is literally the man I've been looking for all of my life.

I'm in so much pain now its unbearable.
Posted by PuzzlePieces

Well life is kinda funny. As I see it, you were supposed to stand up, protect your child, take responsibility instead of putting the blame on him. So when you didn’t do it, it got done for you. Life in a toxic environment can damage your children, staying so he could support you & you didn’t hVe to work is better how? You wanted to be with your child 24/7 and that’s the truth of it. I never had that luxury in or out of marriage. I left when I realized the tension was affecting my child and the best thing I could do was to be strong & leave. Choose myself. Choose my children. In the end, we are all far better off because I left. I worked my ass off and encouraged my children to walk the road, fight the fight, and got them to whatever help they needed to get there.

In the end, it doesn’t matter I gave up a lot of material things. I took the healthy road, and I did the right things. It wasn’t stay to keep the family together btw. And any guy who talks to you that way darling, is not worth any of it. Be strong. Start now to pull yourself up and take care of you & your daughter emotionally, financially and physically. You can do it. Stop worrying about what he did, and be the better person. It will pay off.
Thank you so much for this x

Right now, am suffering for two reasons. Firstly because I behaved like a total victim, feeling powerless in a nasty AGONISING situation, that I wanted Out of.

Secondly, I met the man of my dreams 5yrs ago and lost him 2yrs later. Why? I never left my husband for him. We adored each other. I just wanted to LEAVE and go with him. He too was in an unhappy relationship and wanted to leave her for me.

He is still in my life on and off but doesnt trust me or my love. And why would he?

I told him I loved him, wanted to be with him so he waited 2yrs for me, then I stayed with a man I truly Hated. Its messed up!

I just wanted to Leave and build a new life for myself & child, and to start seeing this man who loved me deeply.

THIS 👆 was happiness for me. THIS was what I wanted!

I spoke to my 3 close mummy friends about my pain, how I wanted out of the marriage, how I was in love with a man who made me happy, but as lovely as they are, all they Kept saying was "Think of your child! Think of your child!" The moment I mentioned My needs (above) to them, they said That, every time!!

Even my MOTHER said it to me!?

She was the Worst Offender!

She literally told me to forget my own happiness, and "Think of Your Child!

I swear if I heard that One More Time, I was going to SCREAM! I DID think of my child! Constantly! She is the reason I bloody STAYED!

WHAT ABOUT ME??

WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS?? - Emotional & Mental mostly! I NEEDED happiness too!

I didn't want to wreck her home by having her passed between 2 parents AND the thought of not seeing her, while she was with her father, was Ripping Me Apart!

Oh The GUILT !

He worked all day from 8am - 6pm when he was home so I barely saw him thank god! It was the evenings alone with him I hated! My love and desire and friendship for him was Gone!

But seeing my little girl made me happy therefore I didn't want to divorce for THAT reason - only seeing her half the time. It was destroying me.

Staying was Painful.

But the thought of Leaving was Painful too.

I was Torn!

So..

I need to tell you something. Personally I am against the "Putting Your Child First" mantra, that seems to be rammed down our throats the moment we are Pregnant!

Its unhealthy!

Its makes women feel guilty about caring for their Own needs - I've had mummies in the past forgo their own needs for this exact reason - the guilt!

Now I'm not saying we Shouldn't put our children first! Not at all!

I'm saying that the message SHOULD be - something like - "Think of Both of you. Mother & Child. Happy Mummy, Happy Baby."

That way a woman feels free to take care of BOTH her needs AND her baby - without feeling Guilty!

Don't you Think?

Women should Not be made to feel Bad/Selfish etc just because they need happiness too! But they Are! Sadly!

Motherhood is sacrifice Enough just by giving up your LIFE to bring a baby into it! Therefore a woman should not have to sacrifice her Emotional & Mental Needs out of Guilt, and feeling like a Monster for putting her Own needs first!

But sadly..it happens. Too Much!

I LOVE that you said..

"Choose Myself. Choose my Children."

YES!!

EXACTLY!

That's how Motherhood SHOULD be talked about - right from Pregnancy!

If it was, I bet there would be Less Post-Natal Depression!

Mother & Child BOTH need to be Happy!
Posted by _mudra

It's all in your head. You've never been trapped but you allowed someone to make that impression on you.

So now what you do is keep it moving, lady. Get it goin'. Dude isn't your problem and agonizing experience anymore. You have your child so you pick up the pieces and make it happen for you two. Let your child be the drive for every single thing you do. Every phone call you make for assistance, child care, job interviews, etc.

Now its ok to be sad. Cry. Take time to sit in the grief but let it guide you to that all encompassing, kick ass light. Before you know it, you'll have it all figured out and this mess will be a memory that will be cringe but something you can scoff at. Like "I fuckin' made it and fuck that dude." Do the work and release him from your life and soul.

The more you sit in stagnant energy, the longer you hold back all the amazing possibilities to come.
Hi ya..

I realise it was all in my head but K still say I was trapped.

How?

Because the only way out was to go behind his back! Get a full time job - not tell him. Put our child in nursery so I can work - not tell him. Get a flat - not tell him.

Then when I have these 3 things set up and ready, Then tell him "I'm going. I can't stay.' Then go to my new life!

However..thats not me.

I don't go behind my partner's back. I talk it through. Sort it out. If it erupts into an argument where I'm told No to my suggestions to help the relationship, then I don't do them. And I can't go behind my partners back because that's devious. And doesn't sit right with me.

Hence - Trapped.

However..

You are right too..Sitting in Stagnant Energy is exactly what I did - because of feeling trapped though.

Idk..maybe U should have gone behind his back after all.

See it as setting myself free rather than seeing it as Devious.
Posted by pooface222
Posted by Jade_Alexander

I’m gonna be frank

Divorcing my abuse husband left me devastated.

He manipulated the system and walked away with all the control.

I do not fucking care because I am free of him.

Stop being the victim of this. Stop being passive. Take control of your mental health. Get your life in order. You are strong and powerful but as long as you are a victim’ of the situation you will get no where.

At no point will it be easy. At no point will anyone pat you on the back. Instead you will get shit spit at you for tolerating it for so long. So stop expecting validation that you were the victim or this is unfair.

Find a support, get help for your depression and get that life in order.


Thank you for saying that because that is exactly what I have done..be the victim! And now I am paying the price!

Its why I wrote this post in the first place. I am full of hatred and self-loathing because I didnt care for myself emotionally or mentally.

Everyone around me - MUMS - said "Think of your child. Think of your child!" Its for THIS reason that I didn't get out of the bad situation I was in. I felt guilty breaking her life up!

I even met another man 5yrs ago who was everything I dreamt of in a man and was loving and sensitive and was also in an unhappy relationship and wanted to leave her for me.

I never left for fear of wrecking my childs life. So he left me after waiting 2yrs for me. Si that has ripped me to tiny bits because he is literally the man I've been looking for all of my life.

I'm in so much pain now its unbearable.
click to expand
My children will someday ask why I left

The truth is, HE ruined our marriage when HE chose to abuse me.

I respected my boundaries by leaving. I also set an example to my children that this behavior is not acceptable or normal.

You used your child as an excuse to stay. You didn’t leave for any other reason then fear.

Because I met another man, I loved that man and I wanted to build a family with that man so my kids had a proper example.

Now I’m single and I love it. Your bitterness is all just not handling yourself. You need to come to terms with where your life is. Being angry isnt getting you anywhere.

I have a feeling you will waste a long time in this negative energy until you step away and heal yourself.
Posted by Jade_Alexander
Posted by pooface222
Posted by Jade_Alexander

I’m gonna be frank

Divorcing my abuse husband left me devastated.

He manipulated the system and walked away with all the control.

I do not fucking care because I am free of him.

Stop being the victim of this. Stop being passive. Take control of your mental health. Get your life in order. You are strong and powerful but as long as you are a victim’ of the situation you will get no where.



At no point will it be easy. At no point will anyone pat you on the back. Instead you will get shit spit at you for tolerating it for so long. So stop expecting validation that you were the victim or this is unfair.

Find a support, get help for your depression and get that life in order.


Thank you for saying that because that is exactly what I have done..be the victim! And now I am paying the price!

Its why I wrote this post in the first place. I am full of hatred and self-loathing because I didnt care for myself emotionally or mentally.

Everyone around me - MUMS - said "Think of your child. Think of your child!" Its for THIS reason that I didn't get out of the bad situation I was in. I felt guilty breaking her life up!

I even met another man 5yrs ago who was everything I dreamt of in a man and was loving and sensitive and was also in an unhappy relationship and wanted to leave her for me.

I never left for fear of wrecking my childs life. So he left me after waiting 2yrs for me. Si that has ripped me to tiny bits because he is literally the man I've been looking for all of my life.

I'm in so much pain now its unbearable.


My children will someday ask why I left

The truth is, HE ruined our marriage when HE chose to abuse me.

I respected my boundaries by leaving. I also set an example to my children that this behavior is not acceptable or normal.

You used your child as an excuse to stay. You didn’t leave for any other reason then fear.

Because I met another man, I loved that man and I wanted to build a family with that man so my kids had a proper example.

Now I’m single and I love it. Your bitterness is all just not handling yourself. You need to come to terms with where your life is. Being angry isnt getting you anywhere.

I have a feeling you will waste a long time in this negative energy until you step away and heal yourself.
click to expand
Exactly ..I'm angry at myself for not doing what was right for myself and my child.

And now my life is in pieces.

I'm in therapy now to help myself get past this anger and hatred I feel at myself!
Posted by pooface222
Posted by PuzzlePieces

Well life is kinda funny. As I see it, you were supposed to stand up, protect your child, take responsibility instead of putting the blame on him. So when you didn’t do it, it got done for you. Life in a toxic environment can damage your children, staying so he could support you & you didn’t hVe to work is better how? You wanted to be with your child 24/7 and that’s the truth of it. I never had that luxury in or out of marriage. I left when I realized the tension was affecting my child and the best thing I could do was to be strong & leave. Choose myself. Choose my children. In the end, we are all far better off because I left. I worked my ass off and encouraged my children to walk the road, fight the fight, and got them to whatever help they needed to get there.

In the end, it doesn’t matter I gave up a lot of material things. I took the healthy road, and I did the right things. It wasn’t stay to keep the family together btw. And any guy who talks to you that way darling, is not worth any of it. Be strong. Start now to pull yourself up and take care of you & your daughter emotionally, financially and physically. You can do it. Stop worrying about what he did, and be the better person. It will pay off.


Thank you so much for this x

Right now, am suffering for two reasons. Firstly because I behaved like a total victim, feeling powerless in a nasty AGONISING situation, that I wanted Out of.

Secondly, I met the man of my dreams 5yrs ago and lost him 2yrs later. Why? I never left my husband for him. We adored each other. I just wanted to LEAVE and go with him. He too was in an unhappy relationship and wanted to leave her for me.

He is still in my life on and off but doesnt trust me or my love. And why would he?

I told him I loved him, wanted to be with him so he waited 2yrs for me, then I stayed with a man I truly Hated. Its messed up!

I just wanted to Leave and build a new life for myself & child, and to start seeing this man who loved me deeply.

THIS 👆 was happiness for me. THIS was what I wanted!

I spoke to my 3 close mummy friends about my pain, how I wanted out of the marriage, how I was in love with a man who made me happy, but as lovely as they are, all they Kept saying was "Think of your child! Think of your child!" The moment I mentioned My needs (above) to them, they said That, every time!!

Even my MOTHER said it to me!?

She was the Worst Offender!

She literally told me to forget my own happiness, and "Think of Your Child!

I swear if I heard that One More Time, I was going to SCREAM! I DID think of my child! Constantly! She is the reason I bloody STAYED!

WHAT ABOUT ME??

WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS?? - Emotional & Mental mostly! I NEEDED happiness too!

I didn't want to wreck her home by having her passed between 2 parents AND the thought of not seeing her, while she was with her father, was Ripping Me Apart!

Oh The GUILT !

He worked all day from 8am - 6pm when he was home so I barely saw him thank god! It was the evenings alone with him I hated! My love and desire and friendship for him was Gone!

But seeing my little girl made me happy therefore I didn't want to divorce for THAT reason - only seeing her half the time. It was destroying me.

Staying was Painful.

But the thought of Leaving was Painful too.

I was Torn!

So..

I need to tell you something. Personally I am against the "Putting Your Child First" mantra, that seems to be rammed down our throats the moment we are Pregnant!

Its unhealthy!

Its makes women feel guilty about caring for their Own needs - I've had mummies in the past forgo their own needs for this exact reason - the guilt!

Now I'm not saying we Shouldn't put our children first! Not at all!

I'm saying that the message SHOULD be - something like - "Think of Both of you. Mother & Child. Happy Mummy, Happy Baby."

That way a woman feels free to take care of BOTH her needs AND her baby - without feeling Guilty!

Don't you Think?

Women should Not be made to feel Bad/Selfish etc just because they need happiness too! But they Are! Sadly!

Motherhood is sacrifice Enough just by giving up your LIFE to bring a baby into it! Therefore a woman should not have to sacrifice her Emotional & Mental Needs out of Guilt, and feeling like a Monster for putting her Own needs first!

But sadly..it happens. Too Much!

I LOVE that you said..

"Choose Myself. Choose my Children."

YES!!

EXACTLY!

That's how Motherhood SHOULD be talked about - right from Pregnancy!

If it was, I bet there would be Less Post-Natal Depression!

Mother & Child BOTH need to be Happy!
click to expand
Wow. The moment you get pregnant your life changes. You should figure out how to accept that. This isn’t about the husband at all.
Not a mom but on the other side of the equation. I was a kid who had parents in an unhappy marriage stay together 'for the sake of the kids'.

They divorced when the youngest was 18.

Honestly they should've done so a lot sooner. Their unhappiness effected all of us. Kids are a lot smarter than you would think, they pick up on the vibes even if they are too young to understand the specifics.

Posted by PuzzlePieces
Posted by pooface222
Posted by PuzzlePieces

Well life is kinda funny. As I see it, you were supposed to stand up, protect your child, take responsibility instead of putting the blame on him. So when you didn’t do it, it got done for you. Life in a toxic environment can damage your children, staying so he could support you & you didn’t hVe to work is better how? You wanted to be with your child 24/7 and that’s the truth of it. I never had that luxury in or out of marriage. I left when I realized the tension was affecting my child and the best thing I could do was to be strong & leave. Choose myself. Choose my children. In the end, we are all far better off because I left. I worked my ass off and encouraged my children to walk the road, fight the fight, and got them to whatever help they needed to get there.

In the end, it doesn’t matter I gave up a lot of material things. I took the healthy road, and I did the right things. It wasn’t stay to keep the family together btw. And any guy who talks to you that way darling, is not worth any of it. Be strong. Start now to pull yourself up and take care of you & your daughter emotionally, financially and physically. You can do it. Stop worrying about what he did, and be the better person. It will pay off.


Thank you so much for this x

Right now, am suffering for two reasons. Firstly because I behaved like a total victim, feeling powerless in a nasty AGONISING situation, that I wanted Out of.

Secondly, I met the man of my dreams 5yrs ago and lost him 2yrs later. Why? I never left my husband for him. We adored each other. I just wanted to LEAVE and go with him. He too was in an unhappy relationship and wanted to leave her for me.

He is still in my life on and off but doesnt trust me or my love. And why would he?

I told him I loved him, wanted to be with him so he waited 2yrs for me, then I stayed with a man I truly Hated. Its messed up!

I just wanted to Leave and build a new life for myself & child, and to start seeing this man who loved me deeply.

THIS 👆 was happiness for me. THIS was what I wanted!

I spoke to my 3 close mummy friends about my pain, how I wanted out of the marriage, how I was in love with a man who made me happy, but as lovely as they are, all they Kept saying was "Think of your child! Think of your child!" The moment I mentioned My needs (above) to them, they said That, every time!!

Even my MOTHER said it to me!?

She was the Worst Offender!

She literally told me to forget my own happiness, and "Think of Your Child!

I swear if I heard that One More Time, I was going to SCREAM! I DID think of my child! Constantly! She is the reason I bloody STAYED!

WHAT ABOUT ME??

WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS?? - Emotional & Mental mostly! I NEEDED happiness too!

I didn't want to wreck her home by having her passed between 2 parents AND the thought of not seeing her, while she was with her father, was Ripping Me Apart!

Oh The GUILT !

He worked all day from 8am - 6pm when he was home so I barely saw him thank god! It was the evenings alone with him I hated! My love and desire and friendship for him was Gone!

But seeing my little girl made me happy therefore I didn't want to divorce for THAT reason - only seeing her half the time. It was destroying me.

Staying was Painful.

But the thought of Leaving was Painful too.

I was Torn!

So..

I need to tell you something. Personally I am against the "Putting Your Child First" mantra, that seems to be rammed down our throats the moment we are Pregnant!

Its unhealthy!

Its makes women feel guilty about caring for their Own needs - I've had mummies in the past forgo their own needs for this exact reason - the guilt!

Now I'm not saying we Shouldn't put our children first! Not at all!

I'm saying that the message SHOULD be - something like - "Think of Both of you. Mother & Child. Happy Mummy, Happy Baby."

That way a woman feels free to take care of BOTH her needs AND her baby - without feeling Guilty!

Don't you Think?

Women should Not be made to feel Bad/Selfish etc just because they need happiness too! But they Are! Sadly!

Motherhood is sacrifice Enough just by giving up your LIFE to bring a baby into it! Therefore a woman should not have to sacrifice her Emotional & Mental Needs out of Guilt, and feeling like a Monster for putting her Own needs first!

But sadly..it happens. Too Much!

I LOVE that you said..

"Choose Myself. Choose my Children."

YES!!

EXACTLY!

That's how Motherhood SHOULD be talked about - right from Pregnancy!

If it was, I bet there would be Less Post-Natal Depression!

Mother & Child BOTH need to be Happy!


Wow. The moment you get pregnant your life changes. You should figure out how to accept that. This isn’t about the husband at all.
click to expand
What do you mean?
Posted by pooface222
Posted by PuzzlePieces
Posted by pooface222
Posted by PuzzlePieces

Well life is kinda funny. As I see it, you were supposed to stand up, protect your child, take responsibility instead of putting the blame on him. So when you didn’t do it, it got done for you. Life in a toxic environment can damage your children, staying so he could support you & you didn’t hVe to work is better how? You wanted to be with your child 24/7 and that’s the truth of it. I never had that luxury in or out of marriage. I left when I realized the tension was affecting my child and the best thing I could do was to be strong & leave. Choose myself. Choose my children. In the end, we are all far better off because I left. I worked my ass off and encouraged my children to walk the road, fight the fight, and got them to whatever help they needed to get there.

In the end, it doesn’t matter I gave up a lot of material things. I took the healthy road, and I did the right things. It wasn’t stay to keep the family together btw. And any guy who talks to you that way darling, is not worth any of it. Be strong. Start now to pull yourself up and take care of you & your daughter emotionally, financially and physically. You can do it. Stop worrying about what he did, and be the better person. It will pay off.


Thank you so much for this x

Right now, am suffering for two reasons. Firstly because I behaved like a total victim, feeling powerless in a nasty AGONISING situation, that I wanted Out of.

Secondly, I met the man of my dreams 5yrs ago and lost him 2yrs later. Why? I never left my husband for him. We adored each other. I just wanted to LEAVE and go with him. He too was in an unhappy relationship and wanted to leave her for me.

He is still in my life on and off but doesnt trust me or my love. And why would he?

I told him I loved him, wanted to be with him so he waited 2yrs for me, then I stayed with a man I truly Hated. Its messed up!

I just wanted to Leave and build a new life for myself & child, and to start seeing this man who loved me deeply.

THIS 👆 was happiness for me. THIS was what I wanted!

I spoke to my 3 close mummy friends about my pain, how I wanted out of the marriage, how I was in love with a man who made me happy, but as lovely as they are, all they Kept saying was "Think of your child! Think of your child!" The moment I mentioned My needs (above) to them, they said That, every time!!

Even my MOTHER said it to me!?

She was the Worst Offender!

She literally told me to forget my own happiness, and "Think of Your Child!

I swear if I heard that One More Time, I was going to SCREAM! I DID think of my child! Constantly! She is the reason I bloody STAYED!

WHAT ABOUT ME??

WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS?? - Emotional & Mental mostly! I NEEDED happiness too!

I didn't want to wreck her home by having her passed between 2 parents AND the thought of not seeing her, while she was with her father, was Ripping Me Apart!

Oh The GUILT !

He worked all day from 8am - 6pm when he was home so I barely saw him thank god! It was the evenings alone with him I hated! My love and desire and friendship for him was Gone!

But seeing my little girl made me happy therefore I didn't want to divorce for THAT reason - only seeing her half the time. It was destroying me.

Staying was Painful.

But the thought of Leaving was Painful too.

I was Torn!

So..

I need to tell you something. Personally I am against the "Putting Your Child First" mantra, that seems to be rammed down our throats the moment we are Pregnant!

Its unhealthy!

Its makes women feel guilty about caring for their Own needs - I've had mummies in the past forgo their own needs for this exact reason - the guilt!

Now I'm not saying we Shouldn't put our children first! Not at all!

I'm saying that the message SHOULD be - something like - "Think of Both of you. Mother & Child. Happy Mummy, Happy Baby."

That way a woman feels free to take care of BOTH her needs AND her baby - without feeling Guilty!

Don't you Think?

Women should Not be made to feel Bad/Selfish etc just because they need happiness too! But they Are! Sadly!

Motherhood is sacrifice Enough just by giving up your LIFE to bring a baby into it! Therefore a woman should not have to sacrifice her Emotional & Mental Needs out of Guilt, and feeling like a Monster for putting her Own needs first!

But sadly..it happens. Too Much!

I LOVE that you said..

"Choose Myself. Choose my Children."

YES!!

EXACTLY!

That's how Motherhood SHOULD be talked about - right from Pregnancy!

If it was, I bet there would be Less Post-Natal Depression!

Mother & Child BOTH need to be Happy!


Wow. The moment you get pregnant your life changes. You should figure out how to accept that. This isn’t about the husband at all.


What do you mean?
click to expand


“Motherhood is sacrifice Enough just by giving up your LIFE to bring a baby into it! Therefore a woman should not have to sacrifice her Emotional & Mental Needs out of Guilt, and feeling like a Monster for putting her Own needs first!”

A child needs their mother to survive. But somehow you see it as giving up your life. From the moment you get pregnant, there is someone else to consider besides your self. You view this as being a victim and it is the child not the husband who caused that. For the child, is the one you sacrifice for. They will always need you. So you might as well accept that they come first. It doesn’t mean you can’t be happy. It doesn’t mean you don’t have choices. That child will be affected if you always see them as a sacrifice. And i hope you stop seeing yourself as a victim, and show your child bravery and strength.
Posted by PuzzlePieces
Posted by pooface222
Posted by PuzzlePieces

Well life is kinda funny. As I see it, you were supposed to stand up, protect your child, take responsibility instead of putting the blame on him. So when you didn’t do it, it got done for you. Life in a toxic environment can damage your children, staying so he could support you & you didn’t hVe to work is better how? You wanted to be with your child 24/7 and that’s the truth of it. I never had that luxury in or out of marriage. I left when I realized the tension was affecting my child and the best thing I could do was to be strong & leave. Choose myself. Choose my children. In the end, we are all far better off because I left. I worked my ass off and encouraged my children to walk the road, fight the fight, and got them to whatever help they needed to get there.

In the end, it doesn’t matter I gave up a lot of material things. I took the healthy road, and I did the right things. It wasn’t stay to keep the family together btw. And any guy who talks to you that way darling, is not worth any of it. Be strong. Start now to pull yourself up and take care of you & your daughter emotionally, financially and physically. You can do it. Stop worrying about what he did, and be the better person. It will pay off.


Thank you so much for this x

Right now, am suffering for two reasons. Firstly because I behaved like a total victim, feeling powerless in a nasty AGONISING situation, that I wanted Out of.

Secondly, I met the man of my dreams 5yrs ago and lost him 2yrs later. Why? I never left my husband for him. We adored each other. I just wanted to LEAVE and go with him. He too was in an unhappy relationship and wanted to leave her for me.

He is still in my life on and off but doesnt trust me or my love. And why would he?

I told him I loved him, wanted to be with him so he waited 2yrs for me, then I stayed with a man I truly Hated. Its messed up!

I just wanted to Leave and build a new life for myself & child, and to start seeing this man who loved me deeply.

THIS 👆 was happiness for me. THIS was what I wanted!

I spoke to my 3 close mummy friends about my pain, how I wanted out of the marriage, how I was in love with a man who made me happy, but as lovely as they are, all they Kept saying was "Think of your child! Think of your child!" The moment I mentioned My needs (above) to them, they said That, every time!!

Even my MOTHER said it to me!?

She was the Worst Offender!

She literally told me to forget my own happiness, and "Think of Your Child!

I swear if I heard that One More Time, I was going to SCREAM! I DID think of my child! Constantly! She is the reason I bloody STAYED!

WHAT ABOUT ME??

WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS?? - Emotional & Mental mostly! I NEEDED happiness too!

I didn't want to wreck her home by having her passed between 2 parents AND the thought of not seeing her, while she was with her father, was Ripping Me Apart!

Oh The GUILT !

He worked all day from 8am - 6pm when he was home so I barely saw him thank god! It was the evenings alone with him I hated! My love and desire and friendship for him was Gone!

But seeing my little girl made me happy therefore I didn't want to divorce for THAT reason - only seeing her half the time. It was destroying me.

Staying was Painful.

But the thought of Leaving was Painful too.

I was Torn!

So..

I need to tell you something. Personally I am against the "Putting Your Child First" mantra, that seems to be rammed down our throats the moment we are Pregnant!

Its unhealthy!

Its makes women feel guilty about caring for their Own needs - I've had mummies in the past forgo their own needs for this exact reason - the guilt!

Now I'm not saying we Shouldn't put our children first! Not at all!

I'm saying that the message SHOULD be - something like - "Think of Both of you. Mother & Child. Happy Mummy, Happy Baby."

That way a woman feels free to take care of BOTH her needs AND her baby - without feeling Guilty!

Don't you Think?

Women should Not be made to feel Bad/Selfish etc just because they need happiness too! But they Are! Sadly!

Motherhood is sacrifice Enough just by giving up your LIFE to bring a baby into it! Therefore a woman should not have to sacrifice her Emotional & Mental Needs out of Guilt, and feeling like a Monster for putting her Own needs first!

But sadly..it happens. Too Much!

I LOVE that you said..

"Choose Myself. Choose my Children."

YES!!

EXACTLY!

That's how Motherhood SHOULD be talked about - right from Pregnancy!

If it was, I bet there would be Less Post-Natal Depression!

Mother & Child BOTH need to be Happy!


Wow. The moment you get pregnant your life changes. You should figure out how to accept that. This isn’t about the husband at all.
click to expand
Err No. Its not about the husband!

Why did you even say that?

Its about being a MUM!

That's why I called this post "Calling All Mums"
Posted by pooface222
Posted by PuzzlePieces
Posted by pooface222
Posted by PuzzlePieces

Well life is kinda funny. As I see it, you were supposed to stand up, protect your child, take responsibility instead of putting the blame on him. So when you didn’t do it, it got done for you. Life in a toxic environment can damage your children, staying so he could support you & you didn’t hVe to work is better how? You wanted to be with your child 24/7 and that’s the truth of it. I never had that luxury in or out of marriage. I left when I realized the tension was affecting my child and the best thing I could do was to be strong & leave. Choose myself. Choose my children. In the end, we are all far better off because I left. I worked my ass off and encouraged my children to walk the road, fight the fight, and got them to whatever help they needed to get there.

In the end, it doesn’t matter I gave up a lot of material things. I took the healthy road, and I did the right things. It wasn’t stay to keep the family together btw. And any guy who talks to you that way darling, is not worth any of it. Be strong. Start now to pull yourself up and take care of you & your daughter emotionally, financially and physically. You can do it. Stop worrying about what he did, and be the better person. It will pay off.


Thank you so much for this x

Right now, am suffering for two reasons. Firstly because I behaved like a total victim, feeling powerless in a nasty AGONISING situation, that I wanted Out of.

Secondly, I met the man of my dreams 5yrs ago and lost him 2yrs later. Why? I never left my husband for him. We adored each other. I just wanted to LEAVE and go with him. He too was in an unhappy relationship and wanted to leave her for me.

He is still in my life on and off but doesnt trust me or my love. And why would he?

I told him I loved him, wanted to be with him so he waited 2yrs for me, then I stayed with a man I truly Hated. Its messed up!

I just wanted to Leave and build a new life for myself & child, and to start seeing this man who loved me deeply.

THIS 👆 was happiness for me. THIS was what I wanted!

I spoke to my 3 close mummy friends about my pain, how I wanted out of the marriage, how I was in love with a man who made me happy, but as lovely as they are, all they Kept saying was "Think of your child! Think of your child!" The moment I mentioned My needs (above) to them, they said That, every time!!

Even my MOTHER said it to me!?

She was the Worst Offender!

She literally told me to forget my own happiness, and "Think of Your Child!

I swear if I heard that One More Time, I was going to SCREAM! I DID think of my child! Constantly! She is the reason I bloody STAYED!

WHAT ABOUT ME??

WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS?? - Emotional & Mental mostly! I NEEDED happiness too!

I didn't want to wreck her home by having her passed between 2 parents AND the thought of not seeing her, while she was with her father, was Ripping Me Apart!

Oh The GUILT !

He worked all day from 8am - 6pm when he was home so I barely saw him thank god! It was the evenings alone with him I hated! My love and desire and friendship for him was Gone!

But seeing my little girl made me happy therefore I didn't want to divorce for THAT reason - only seeing her half the time. It was destroying me.

Staying was Painful.

But the thought of Leaving was Painful too.

I was Torn!

So..

I need to tell you something. Personally I am against the "Putting Your Child First" mantra, that seems to be rammed down our throats the moment we are Pregnant!

Its unhealthy!

Its makes women feel guilty about caring for their Own needs - I've had mummies in the past forgo their own needs for this exact reason - the guilt!

Now I'm not saying we Shouldn't put our children first! Not at all!

I'm saying that the message SHOULD be - something like - "Think of Both of you. Mother & Child. Happy Mummy, Happy Baby."

That way a woman feels free to take care of BOTH her needs AND her baby - without feeling Guilty!

Don't you Think?

Women should Not be made to feel Bad/Selfish etc just because they need happiness too! But they Are! Sadly!

Motherhood is sacrifice Enough just by giving up your LIFE to bring a baby into it! Therefore a woman should not have to sacrifice her Emotional & Mental Needs out of Guilt, and feeling like a Monster for putting her Own needs first!

But sadly..it happens. Too Much!

I LOVE that you said..

"Choose Myself. Choose my Children."

YES!!

EXACTLY!

That's how Motherhood SHOULD be talked about - right from Pregnancy!

If it was, I bet there would be Less Post-Natal Depression!

Mother & Child BOTH need to be Happy!


Wow. The moment you get pregnant your life changes. You should figure out how to accept that. This isn’t about the husband at all.


Err No. Its not about the husband!

Why did you even say that?

Its about being a MUM!

That's why I called this post "Calling All Mums"
click to expand
Previously you complained about your husband and the things he didn’t do after you had the baby. Put a lot of blame on him, like he’s the one who trapped you.

So are you saying it’s the child that makes you feel trapped? With or without the husband?
Posted by PuzzlePieces
Posted by pooface222
Posted by PuzzlePieces
Posted by pooface222
Posted by PuzzlePieces

Well life is kinda funny. As I see it, you were supposed to stand up, protect your child, take responsibility instead of putting the blame on him. So when you didn’t do it, it got done for you. Life in a toxic environment can damage your children, staying so he could support you & you didn’t hVe to work is better how? You wanted to be with your child 24/7 and that’s the truth of it. I never had that luxury in or out of marriage. I left when I realized the tension was affecting my child and the best thing I could do was to be strong & leave. Choose myself. Choose my children. In the end, we are all far better off because I left. I worked my ass off and encouraged my children to walk the road, fight the fight, and got them to whatever help they needed to get there.

In the end, it doesn’t matter I gave up a lot of material things. I took the healthy road, and I did the right things. It wasn’t stay to keep the family together btw. And any guy who talks to you that way darling, is not worth any of it. Be strong. Start now to pull yourself up and take care of you & your daughter emotionally, financially and physically. You can do it. Stop worrying about what he did, and be the better person. It will pay off.


Thank you so much for this x

Right now, am suffering for two reasons. Firstly because I behaved like a total victim, feeling powerless in a nasty AGONISING situation, that I wanted Out of.

Secondly, I met the man of my dreams 5yrs ago and lost him 2yrs later. Why? I never left my husband for him. We adored each other. I just wanted to LEAVE and go with him. He too was in an unhappy relationship and wanted to leave her for me.

He is still in my life on and off but doesnt trust me or my love. And why would he?

I told him I loved him, wanted to be with him so he waited 2yrs for me, then I stayed with a man I truly Hated. Its messed up!

I just wanted to Leave and build a new life for myself & child, and to start seeing this man who loved me deeply.

THIS 👆 was happiness for me. THIS was what I wanted!

I spoke to my 3 close mummy friends about my pain, how I wanted out of the marriage, how I was in love with a man who made me happy, but as lovely as they are, all they Kept saying was "Think of your child! Think of your child!" The moment I mentioned My needs (above) to them, they said That, every time!!

Even my MOTHER said it to me!?

She was the Worst Offender!

She literally told me to forget my own happiness, and "Think of Your Child!

I swear if I heard that One More Time, I was going to SCREAM! I DID think of my child! Constantly! She is the reason I bloody STAYED!

WHAT ABOUT ME??

WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS?? - Emotional & Mental mostly! I NEEDED happiness too!

I didn't want to wreck her home by having her passed between 2 parents AND the thought of not seeing her, while she was with her father, was Ripping Me Apart!

Oh The GUILT !

He worked all day from 8am - 6pm when he was home so I barely saw him thank god! It was the evenings alone with him I hated! My love and desire and friendship for him was Gone!

But seeing my little girl made me happy therefore I didn't want to divorce for THAT reason - only seeing her half the time. It was destroying me.

Staying was Painful.

But the thought of Leaving was Painful too.

I was Torn!

So..

I need to tell you something. Personally I am against the "Putting Your Child First" mantra, that seems to be rammed down our throats the moment we are Pregnant!

Its unhealthy!

Its makes women feel guilty about caring for their Own needs - I've had mummies in the past forgo their own needs for this exact reason - the guilt!

Now I'm not saying we Shouldn't put our children first! Not at all!

I'm saying that the message SHOULD be - something like - "Think of Both of you. Mother & Child. Happy Mummy, Happy Baby."

That way a woman feels free to take care of BOTH her needs AND her baby - without feeling Guilty!

Don't you Think?

Women should Not be made to feel Bad/Selfish etc just because they need happiness too! But they Are! Sadly!

Motherhood is sacrifice Enough just by giving up your LIFE to bring a baby into it! Therefore a woman should not have to sacrifice her Emotional & Mental Needs out of Guilt, and feeling like a Monster for putting her Own needs first!

But sadly..it happens. Too Much!

I LOVE that you said..

"Choose Myself. Choose my Children."

YES!!

EXACTLY!

That's how Motherhood SHOULD be talked about - right from Pregnancy!

If it was, I bet there would be Less Post-Natal Depression!

Mother & Child BOTH need to be Happy!


Wow. The moment you get pregnant your life changes. You should figure out how to accept that. This isn’t about the husband at all.


Err No. Its not about the husband!

Why did you even say that?

Its about being a MUM!

That's why I called this post "Calling All Mums"


Previously you complained about your husband and the things he didn’t do after you had the baby. Put a lot of blame on him, like he’s the one who trapped you.

So are you saying it’s the child that makes you feel trapped? With or without the husband?
click to expand
No.

Its MOTHERHOOD that makes me feel trapped. Its a complicated situation.

I love my child but I Hate being a mum. I love being with her and doing things with her BUT its having to give up my life.

I never ever wanted that!

I loved my life and had alot going on in it. I was fulfilled.

So..why did I have kids?

Because- despite my husband being controlling - I was happy in our life together. HE wanted kids though. I did not. I told him "I dont want kids." And I kept telling him. Divorce was on my mind continuously.

However - now THIS is the crucial part. I come from a single parent family, and watched my mother struggle Emotionally & Financially. I never ever wanted kids as a result of watching her struggle. Put me right off.

By the time I was 18 I'd made up my mind..No Marriage. No Kids.

I wanted to be free!

To have a career. To have money - seeing as I had none growing up. To have relationships to find a man like me - one who doesn't want marriage or kids. Or a man who is divorced and has kids - i was happy to accept someone elses kids because i love the man.

To travel by having holidays to different countries to explore the world together.

And to love and care for each other.

I loved my life the way it was. And i didnt want to change it.

Now I had this exact life with my husband. And I didnt want to lose it. I loved my life with him. So if I didnt have kids I would lose it all because he would, or may, leave me.

Having kids complicates EVERYTHING. Including the relationship.

I have had Enough complication, and lack of money, and watching my mum suffer, while I was growing up that I did NOT want That for myself.

Even in the best of marriages/relationships, things can go wrong, and you end up a single parent - its HARD!

You have no freedom because you are a mother. You are on your own. Its lonely. Its Horrible to be honest!

Then you have the complication of finding a man to love you and accept you with kids!

No thanks.

Its too complicated!

I grew up in a messy situation with a father who was nasty and tried to take us from my mum. He went to court and everything.

Its a long horrible story.

I have never had a life growing up!

A controlling b**ch mother who hated me having Anything that took me away from HER.

And that includes a boyfriend.

She hated me even going to work.

So I come from TWO controlling parents!

And I wanted to be Free !

I wanted freedom.

No complications from marriage and kids.

To have relationships. Have a career. Have money. A home together. And the freedom to do what we want, when we want.

So..

Its MOTHERHOOD!
Posted by PuzzlePieces
Posted by pooface222
Posted by PuzzlePieces
Posted by pooface222
Posted by PuzzlePieces

Well life is kinda funny. As I see it, you were supposed to stand up, protect your child, take responsibility instead of putting the blame on him. So when you didn’t do it, it got done for you. Life in a toxic environment can damage your children, staying so he could support you & you didn’t hVe to work is better how? You wanted to be with your child 24/7 and that’s the truth of it. I never had that luxury in or out of marriage. I left when I realized the tension was affecting my child and the best thing I could do was to be strong & leave. Choose myself. Choose my children. In the end, we are all far better off because I left. I worked my ass off and encouraged my children to walk the road, fight the fight, and got them to whatever help they needed to get there.

In the end, it doesn’t matter I gave up a lot of material things. I took the healthy road, and I did the right things. It wasn’t stay to keep the family together btw. And any guy who talks to you that way darling, is not worth any of it. Be strong. Start now to pull yourself up and take care of you & your daughter emotionally, financially and physically. You can do it. Stop worrying about what he did, and be the better person. It will pay off.


Thank you so much for this x

Right now, am suffering for two reasons. Firstly because I behaved like a total victim, feeling powerless in a nasty AGONISING situation, that I wanted Out of.

Secondly, I met the man of my dreams 5yrs ago and lost him 2yrs later. Why? I never left my husband for him. We adored each other. I just wanted to LEAVE and go with him. He too was in an unhappy relationship and wanted to leave her for me.

He is still in my life on and off but doesnt trust me or my love. And why would he?

I told him I loved him, wanted to be with him so he waited 2yrs for me, then I stayed with a man I truly Hated. Its messed up!

I just wanted to Leave and build a new life for myself & child, and to start seeing this man who loved me deeply.

THIS 👆 was happiness for me. THIS was what I wanted!

I spoke to my 3 close mummy friends about my pain, how I wanted out of the marriage, how I was in love with a man who made me happy, but as lovely as they are, all they Kept saying was "Think of your child! Think of your child!" The moment I mentioned My needs (above) to them, they said That, every time!!

Even my MOTHER said it to me!?

She was the Worst Offender!

She literally told me to forget my own happiness, and "Think of Your Child!

I swear if I heard that One More Time, I was going to SCREAM! I DID think of my child! Constantly! She is the reason I bloody STAYED!

WHAT ABOUT ME??

WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS?? - Emotional & Mental mostly! I NEEDED happiness too!

I didn't want to wreck her home by having her passed between 2 parents AND the thought of not seeing her, while she was with her father, was Ripping Me Apart!

Oh The GUILT !

He worked all day from 8am - 6pm when he was home so I barely saw him thank god! It was the evenings alone with him I hated! My love and desire and friendship for him was Gone!

But seeing my little girl made me happy therefore I didn't want to divorce for THAT reason - only seeing her half the time. It was destroying me.

Staying was Painful.

But the thought of Leaving was Painful too.

I was Torn!

So..

I need to tell you something. Personally I am against the "Putting Your Child First" mantra, that seems to be rammed down our throats the moment we are Pregnant!

Its unhealthy!

Its makes women feel guilty about caring for their Own needs - I've had mummies in the past forgo their own needs for this exact reason - the guilt!

Now I'm not saying we Shouldn't put our children first! Not at all!

I'm saying that the message SHOULD be - something like - "Think of Both of you. Mother & Child. Happy Mummy, Happy Baby."

That way a woman feels free to take care of BOTH her needs AND her baby - without feeling Guilty!

Don't you Think?

Women should Not be made to feel Bad/Selfish etc just because they need happiness too! But they Are! Sadly!

Motherhood is sacrifice Enough just by giving up your LIFE to bring a baby into it! Therefore a woman should not have to sacrifice her Emotional & Mental Needs out of Guilt, and feeling like a Monster for putting her Own needs first!

But sadly..it happens. Too Much!

I LOVE that you said..

"Choose Myself. Choose my Children."

YES!!

EXACTLY!

That's how Motherhood SHOULD be talked about - right from Pregnancy!

If it was, I bet there would be Less Post-Natal Depression!

Mother & Child BOTH need to be Happy!


Wow. The moment you get pregnant your life changes. You should figure out how to accept that. This isn’t about the husband at all.


Err No. Its not about the husband!

Why did you even say that?

Its about being a MUM!

That's why I called this post "Calling All Mums"


Previously you complained about your husband and the things he didn’t do after you had the baby. Put a lot of blame on him, like he’s the one who trapped you.

So are you saying it’s the child that makes you feel trapped? With or without the husband?
click to expand
No.

Its MOTHERHOOD that makes me feel trapped. Its a complicated situation.

I love my child but I Hate being a mum. I love being with her and doing things with her BUT its having to give up my life.

I never ever wanted that!

I loved my life and had alot going on in it. I was fulfilled.

So..why did I have kids?

Because- despite my husband being controlling - I was happy in our life together. HE wanted kids though. I did not. I told him "I dont want kids." And I kept telling him. Divorce was on my mind continuously.

However - now THIS is the crucial part. I come from a single parent family, and watched my mother struggle Emotionally & Financially. I never ever wanted kids as a result of watching her struggle. Put me right off.

By the time I was 18 I'd made up my mind..No Marriage. No Kids.

I wanted to be free!

To have a career. To have money - seeing as I had none growing up. To have relationships to find a man like me - one who doesn't want marriage or kids. Or a man who is divorced and has kids - i was happy to accept someone elses kids because i love the man.

To travel by having holidays to different countries to explore the world together.

And to love and care for each other.

I loved my life the way it was. And i didnt want to change it.

Now I had this exact life with my husband. And I didnt want to lose it. I loved my life with him. So if I didnt have kids I would lose it all because he would, or may, leave me.

Having kids complicates EVERYTHING. Including the relationship.

I have had Enough complication, and lack of money, and watching my mum suffer, while I was growing up that I did NOT want That for myself.

Even in the best of marriages/relationships, things can go wrong, and you end up a single parent - its HARD!

You have no freedom because you are a mother. You are on your own. Its lonely. Its Horrible to be honest!

Then you have the complication of finding a man to love you and accept you with kids!

No thanks.

Its too complicated!

I grew up in a messy situation with a father who was nasty and tried to take us from my mum. He went to court and everything.

Its a long horrible story.

I have never had a life growing up!

A controlling b**ch mother who hated me having Anything that took me away from HER.

And that includes a boyfriend.

She hated me even going to work.

So I come from TWO controlling parents!

And I wanted to be Free !

I wanted freedom.

No complications from marriage and kids.

To have relationships. Have a career. Have money. A home together. And the freedom to do what we want, when we want.

So..

Its MOTHERHOOD!
Posted by PuzzlePieces
Posted by pooface222
Posted by PuzzlePieces
Posted by pooface222
Posted by PuzzlePieces

Well life is kinda funny. As I see it, you were supposed to stand up, protect your child, take responsibility instead of putting the blame on him. So when you didn’t do it, it got done for you. Life in a toxic environment can damage your children, staying so he could support you & you didn’t hVe to work is better how? You wanted to be with your child 24/7 and that’s the truth of it. I never had that luxury in or out of marriage. I left when I realized the tension was affecting my child and the best thing I could do was to be strong & leave. Choose myself. Choose my children. In the end, we are all far better off because I left. I worked my ass off and encouraged my children to walk the road, fight the fight, and got them to whatever help they needed to get there.

In the end, it doesn’t matter I gave up a lot of material things. I took the healthy road, and I did the right things. It wasn’t stay to keep the family together btw. And any guy who talks to you that way darling, is not worth any of it. Be strong. Start now to pull yourself up and take care of you & your daughter emotionally, financially and physically. You can do it. Stop worrying about what he did, and be the better person. It will pay off.


Thank you so much for this x

Right now, am suffering for two reasons. Firstly because I behaved like a total victim, feeling powerless in a nasty AGONISING situation, that I wanted Out of.

Secondly, I met the man of my dreams 5yrs ago and lost him 2yrs later. Why? I never left my husband for him. We adored each other. I just wanted to LEAVE and go with him. He too was in an unhappy relationship and wanted to leave her for me.

He is still in my life on and off but doesnt trust me or my love. And why would he?

I told him I loved him, wanted to be with him so he waited 2yrs for me, then I stayed with a man I truly Hated. Its messed up!

I just wanted to Leave and build a new life for myself & child, and to start seeing this man who loved me deeply.

THIS 👆 was happiness for me. THIS was what I wanted!

I spoke to my 3 close mummy friends about my pain, how I wanted out of the marriage, how I was in love with a man who made me happy, but as lovely as they are, all they Kept saying was "Think of your child! Think of your child!" The moment I mentioned My needs (above) to them, they said That, every time!!

Even my MOTHER said it to me!?

She was the Worst Offender!

She literally told me to forget my own happiness, and "Think of Your Child!

I swear if I heard that One More Time, I was going to SCREAM! I DID think of my child! Constantly! She is the reason I bloody STAYED!

WHAT ABOUT ME??

WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS?? - Emotional & Mental mostly! I NEEDED happiness too!

I didn't want to wreck her home by having her passed between 2 parents AND the thought of not seeing her, while she was with her father, was Ripping Me Apart!

Oh The GUILT !

He worked all day from 8am - 6pm when he was home so I barely saw him thank god! It was the evenings alone with him I hated! My love and desire and friendship for him was Gone!

But seeing my little girl made me happy therefore I didn't want to divorce for THAT reason - only seeing her half the time. It was destroying me.

Staying was Painful.

But the thought of Leaving was Painful too.

I was Torn!

So..

I need to tell you something. Personally I am against the "Putting Your Child First" mantra, that seems to be rammed down our throats the moment we are Pregnant!

Its unhealthy!

Its makes women feel guilty about caring for their Own needs - I've had mummies in the past forgo their own needs for this exact reason - the guilt!

Now I'm not saying we Shouldn't put our children first! Not at all!

I'm saying that the message SHOULD be - something like - "Think of Both of you. Mother & Child. Happy Mummy, Happy Baby."

That way a woman feels free to take care of BOTH her needs AND her baby - without feeling Guilty!

Don't you Think?

Women should Not be made to feel Bad/Selfish etc just because they need happiness too! But they Are! Sadly!

Motherhood is sacrifice Enough just by giving up your LIFE to bring a baby into it! Therefore a woman should not have to sacrifice her Emotional & Mental Needs out of Guilt, and feeling like a Monster for putting her Own needs first!

But sadly..it happens. Too Much!

I LOVE that you said..

"Choose Myself. Choose my Children."

YES!!

EXACTLY!

That's how Motherhood SHOULD be talked about - right from Pregnancy!

If it was, I bet there would be Less Post-Natal Depression!

Mother & Child BOTH need to be Happy!


Wow. The moment you get pregnant your life changes. You should figure out how to accept that. This isn’t about the husband at all.


Err No. Its not about the husband!

Why did you even say that?

Its about being a MUM!

That's why I called this post "Calling All Mums"


Previously you complained about your husband and the things he didn’t do after you had the baby. Put a lot of blame on him, like he’s the one who trapped you.

So are you saying it’s the child that makes you feel trapped? With or without the husband?
click to expand
No.

Its MOTHERHOOD that makes me feel trapped. Its a complicated situation.

I love my child but I Hate being a mum. I love being with her and doing things with her BUT its having to give up my life.

I never ever wanted that!

I loved my life and had alot going on in it. I was fulfilled.

So..why did I have kids?

Because- despite my husband being controlling - I was happy in our life together. HE wanted kids though. I did not. I told him "I dont want kids." And I kept telling him. Divorce was on my mind continuously.

However - now THIS is the crucial part. I come from a single parent family, and watched my mother struggle Emotionally & Financially. I never ever wanted kids as a result of watching her struggle. Put me right off.

By the time I was 18 I'd made up my mind..No Marriage. No Kids.

I wanted to be free!

To have a career. To have money - seeing as I had none growing up. To have relationships to find a man like me - one who doesn't want marriage or kids. Or a man who is divorced and has kids - i was happy to accept someone elses kids because i love the man.

To travel by having holidays to different countries to explore the world together.

And to love and care for each other.

I loved my life the way it was. And i didnt want to change it.

Now I had this exact life with my husband. And I didnt want to lose it. I loved my life with him. So if I didnt have kids I would lose it all because he would, or may, leave me.

Having kids complicates EVERYTHING. Including the relationship.

I have had Enough complication, and lack of money, and watching my mum suffer, while I was growing up that I did NOT want That for myself.

Even in the best of marriages/relationships, things can go wrong, and you end up a single parent - its HARD!

You have no freedom because you are a mother. You are on your own. Its lonely. Its Horrible to be honest!

Then you have the complication of finding a man to love you and accept you with kids!

No thanks.

Its too complicated!

I grew up in a messy situation with a father who was nasty and tried to take us from my mum. He went to court and everything.

Its a long horrible story.

I have never had a life growing up!

A controlling b**ch mother who hated me having Anything that took me away from HER.

And that includes a boyfriend.

She hated me even going to work.

So I come from TWO controlling parents!

And I wanted to be Free !

I wanted freedom.

No complications from marriage and kids.

To have relationships. Have a career. Have money. A home together. And the freedom to do what we want, when we want.

So..

Its MOTHERHOOD!
So..because I've grown up with no security - Emotional or Financial - it meant that I stayed with my controlling husband for emotional & financial security.

I was scared to lose what I'd never had. So I had a child to keep hold of what I didnt want to lose, but I've lost it anyway.

And now I'm a struggling single mum, juat like my mother was
Posted by LaPetiteEtoile
Posted by pooface222
Posted by PuzzlePieces
Posted by pooface222
Posted by PuzzlePieces
Posted by pooface222
Posted by PuzzlePieces

Well life is kinda funny. As I see it, you were supposed to stand up, protect your child, take responsibility instead of putting the blame on him. So when you didn’t do it, it got done for you. Life in a toxic environment can damage your children, staying so he could support you & you didn’t hVe to work is better how? You wanted to be with your child 24/7 and that’s the truth of it. I never had that luxury in or out of marriage. I left when I realized the tension was affecting my child and the best thing I could do was to be strong & leave. Choose myself. Choose my children. In the end, we are all far better off because I left. I worked my ass off and encouraged my children to walk the road, fight the fight, and got them to whatever help they needed to get there.

In the end, it doesn’t matter I gave up a lot of material things. I took the healthy road, and I did the right things. It wasn’t stay to keep the family together btw. And any guy who talks to you that way darling, is not worth any of it. Be strong. Start now to pull yourself up and take care of you & your daughter emotionally, financially and physically. You can do it. Stop worrying about what he did, and be the better person. It will pay off.


Thank you so much for this x

Right now, am suffering for two reasons. Firstly because I behaved like a total victim, feeling powerless in a nasty AGONISING situation, that I wanted Out of.

Secondly, I met the man of my dreams 5yrs ago and lost him 2yrs later. Why? I never left my husband for him. We adored each other. I just wanted to LEAVE and go with him. He too was in an unhappy relationship and wanted to leave her for me.

He is still in my life on and off but doesnt trust me or my love. And why would he?

I told him I loved him, wanted to be with him so he waited 2yrs for me, then I stayed with a man I truly Hated. Its messed up!

I just wanted to Leave and build a new life for myself & child, and to start seeing this man who loved me deeply.

THIS 👆 was happiness for me. THIS was what I wanted!

I spoke to my 3 close mummy friends about my pain, how I wanted out of the marriage, how I was in love with a man who made me happy, but as lovely as they are, all they Kept saying was "Think of your child! Think of your child!" The moment I mentioned My needs (above) to them, they said That, every time!!

Even my MOTHER said it to me!?

She was the Worst Offender!

She literally told me to forget my own happiness, and "Think of Your Child!

I swear if I heard that One More Time, I was going to SCREAM! I DID think of my child! Constantly! She is the reason I bloody STAYED!

WHAT ABOUT ME??

WHAT ABOUT MY NEEDS?? - Emotional & Mental mostly! I NEEDED happiness too!

I didn't want to wreck her home by having her passed between 2 parents AND the thought of not seeing her, while she was with her father, was Ripping Me Apart!

Oh The GUILT !

He worked all day from 8am - 6pm when he was home so I barely saw him thank god! It was the evenings alone with him I hated! My love and desire and friendship for him was Gone!

But seeing my little girl made me happy therefore I didn't want to divorce for THAT reason - only seeing her half the time. It was destroying me.

Staying was Painful.

But the thought of Leaving was Painful too.

I was Torn!

So..

I need to tell you something. Personally I am against the "Putting Your Child First" mantra, that seems to be rammed down our throats the moment we are Pregnant!

Its unhealthy!

Its makes women feel guilty about caring for their Own needs - I've had mummies in the past forgo their own needs for this exact reason - the guilt!

Now I'm not saying we Shouldn't put our children first! Not at all!

I'm saying that the message SHOULD be - something like - "Think of Both of you. Mother & Child. Happy Mummy, Happy Baby."

That way a woman feels free to take care of BOTH her needs AND her baby - without feeling Guilty!

Don't you Think?

Women should Not be made to feel Bad/Selfish etc just because they need happiness too! But they Are! Sadly!

Motherhood is sacrifice Enough just by giving up your LIFE to bring a baby into it! Therefore a woman should not have to sacrifice her Emotional & Mental Needs out of Guilt, and feeling like a Monster for putting her Own needs first!

But sadly..it happens. Too Much!

I LOVE that you said..

"Choose Myself. Choose my Children."

YES!!

EXACTLY!

That's how Motherhood SHOULD be talked about - right from Pregnancy!

If it was, I bet there would be Less Post-Natal Depression!

Mother & Child BOTH need to be Happy!


Wow. The moment you get pregnant your life changes. You should figure out how to accept that. This isn’t about the husband at all.


Err No. Its not about the husband!

Why did you even say that?

Its about being a MUM!

That's why I called this post "Calling All Mums"


Previously you complained about your husband and the things he didn’t do after you had the baby. Put a lot of blame on him, like he’s the one who trapped you.

So are you saying it’s the child that makes you feel trapped? With or without the husband?


No.

Its MOTHERHOOD that makes me feel trapped. Its a complicated situation.

I love my child but I Hate being a mum. I love being with her and doing things with her BUT its having to give up my life.

I never ever wanted that!

I loved my life and had alot going on in it. I was fulfilled.

So..why did I have kids?

Because- despite my husband being controlling - I was happy in our life together. HE wanted kids though. I did not. I told him "I dont want kids." And I kept telling him. Divorce was on my mind continuously.

However - now THIS is the crucial part. I come from a single parent family, and watched my mother struggle Emotionally & Financially. I never ever wanted kids as a result of watching her struggle. Put me right off.

By the time I was 18 I'd made up my mind..No Marriage. No Kids.

I wanted to be free!

To have a career. To have money - seeing as I had none growing up. To have relationships to find a man like me - one who doesn't want marriage or kids. Or a man who is divorced and has kids - i was happy to accept someone elses kids because i love the man.

To travel by having holidays to different countries to explore the world together.

And to love and care for each other.

I loved my life the way it was. And i didnt want to change it.

Now I had this exact life with my husband. And I didnt want to lose it. I loved my life with him. So if I didnt have kids I would lose it all because he would, or may, leave me.

Having kids complicates EVERYTHING. Including the relationship.

I have had Enough complication, and lack of money, and watching my mum suffer, while I was growing up that I did NOT want That for myself.

Even in the best of marriages/relationships, things can go wrong, and you end up a single parent - its HARD!

You have no freedom because you are a mother. You are on your own. Its lonely. Its Horrible to be honest!

Then you have the complication of finding a man to love you and accept you with kids!

No thanks.

Its too complicated!

I grew up in a messy situation with a father who was nasty and tried to take us from my mum. He went to court and everything.

Its a long horrible story.

I have never had a life growing up!

A controlling b**ch mother who hated me having Anything that took me away from HER.

And that includes a boyfriend.

She hated me even going to work.

So I come from TWO controlling parents!

And I wanted to be Free !

I wanted freedom.

No complications from marriage and kids.

To have relationships. Have a career. Have money. A home together. And the freedom to do what we want, when we want.

So..

Its MOTHERHOOD!


Sounds like you’re going to have to suck it up, buttercup.

How old is your baby?

Babies and toddlers suck. They literally require constant supervision and attention.

Good thing is they grow up and become more independent.

My 9 year old went a whole half hour today without asking for a snack. Miracles.

I get where you are coming from because I didn’t want to be a mom but made choices that lead me to being one. It sucks like hell but it is what it is at this point and you can’t go back.

If you think you are to the point where you are going to harm your child get help and ask for support. Get counseling and at the extreme if you realllllly can’t deal with it then try to find a good home for the kid with someone else hopefully a trusted relative because kids can tell when they aren’t wanted.

Otherwise this is your life at the minimum for 18 years if you want to be a dick and kick them out of your life as soon as they turn 18.

But what you make of it at this point is up to you. Just know there is someone who is completely innocent and unknowing of all your drama that will be changed forever because of it.
click to expand
She has just turned 6. And she's lovely.

I just HATE my life being on hold while hers is just starting.

I had an unsupportive mother who called me Selfish for not wanting kids.

Kids are NOT the be all and end all of life! And I hate women who seem to think they are - my mother most of alla

My husband began to punish me for not wanting kids with him...but at the time I didn't know his .

...punishment was for this reason. He only told me AFTER our baby was born and nearly 1. It cane out during an argument!

I wanted to SCREAM!

Before pregnancy he wouldnt talk to me, give me affection, make love to me, go on dates with me, NOTHING.

I became lonely and insecure.

Then there was his control that gave me no confidence to leave.

So I stupidly had a baby with this bastard!

Then his control got worse!

I got severe depression.

The arguments erupted and he divorced me 😢
Posted by LaPetiteEtoile

And look now because you can’t make the best of the situation you are in another little girl will grow up with a mother like yours.

As I said in the post I deleted - this is the chance to make sure you do better than what was done to you.

But instead you are wasting it because you’d rather feel sorry for yourself than move on.

The only one I feel sorry for is your kid.
I KNOW!

EXACTLY!

I am slowly but surely turning into my mother!

I feel sorry for my kid too.

I have finally realised that my mother should Never have had kids, just like me.

And i believe she hated being a mother too - just like I do.

Therefore the sick thing is that my mother never once said to me, "look if you dont want kids, dont have them." Instead she would yell at me YOU'RE SO SELFISH!

I now believe that she WANTED me to have kids so I can feel as SHIT as she did!

Makes her feel better about herself and her shitty life!

She KNEW my husband wasnt a nice person. She could See it for herself! She would comment to me how selfish he was.

And worst of all, she would say ..

"YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE MARRIED HIM."

Ohh..its ok for me to have Kids with the bastard! But I shouldn't have married him!

I mean WTF?!

She is a bitter and twisted old bag who has always wanted the WORST for both me and my sister.

I truly hate her.

And now I fear my child will hate me.

I'm a single mum now. Living on benefits.

I DO have a job. I'm a self-employed gym trainer.

But now gyms are closed due to the virus, ive lost my job.

I am stuck emotionally and financially and miserable as hell!
You are so angry. You know this is not healthy for either of you. Your child will pick up on this far sooner than you expect.

You really need to turn all that energy into deciding not to become your mother, and to change the pattern. Which means you stop putting energy in all that was done to you, and start standing up for you & your daughter and focus on the good things about motherhood instead of the bad. Focus on what you can do, and go out and do it. Let this wonderful child teach you some things, I suspect she will if you let her. It can be the most amazing bond, when it’s a loving one. My kids are 24 & 19 now & I changed the pattern in my family and thank god I did! They taught me so much along the way. Changing the pattern means to stop blaming, and hating, and start being better for the kids than your parents were. Take that responsibility and be better. You are an adult now, the past doesn’t matter. What matters is what you do from now on going forward.