Posted by AntiochusYou’re probably right. Makes total sense. I keep disregarding potentially nice partners because it just lacks that intensity I crave. But I’m starting to think that perhaps I’m looking for something unattainable. I feel confused because for 4 years I was in a very toxic/ passionate/ volatile relationship. Then I started dating and kind of was in a desperate state for the year following that relationship. Just because I had a TON of healing to do. Now that I’m finally fantastic on my own... I’ve found the dating to be completely lack luster in a very short period. It makes me feel disheartened that my ideal might be fantasy.
I think what you describe is only natural and healthy. There may be those sparks but those spark are, by defintion, only temporary and incentive that lures us in to start the building process.
The only expectation that ever made sense to me is that said building process should be mostly enjoyable and not a constant battle.
Posted by EllygantI just want that intensity. Oddly enough I feel better with myself than I’ve ever felt. Love myself more than I ever had. Yet, find it harder than ever to find someone I’d like to explore building with. It feels like I’ve been awakened to myself, but closed to others.
Spark can be immediate. But it can also be cultivated.
What sort of relationship do you visualize for yourself? If you woke up tomorrow, flash forward a year, in your dream relationship, what do you two do? What happens in the mornings waking up beside him? How do you two spend the weekend? What do you share, laugh about, talk about?
Now. Look at all the questions I asked, and take the we out of it. Ask yourself those questions about you, right now, if you woke up tomorrow.
Spark comes when you know yourself well. When you love yourself. Passion starts within you. If you have a passion and direction for yourself, then someone who matches that will magnetically find you faster than you think.
Posted by SwiftThis makes a lot of sense to me. I was someone who always was with someone. Only from 31-33 have I ever been single. I could easily fall into a 2-3 year relationship, because I needed someone. Once I was forced to work through the toxicity of living like that I now find myself getting asked out more than ever, but subsequently having a very nonchalant attitude towards it. Although I would like to be in love.
I think the main issue is you don’t really need anyone for anything.
What I’ve personally experienced with the person I’m with is I was really closed off from people, and had no want for a lover. She was in a really abusive relationship, and is a good friend of mine. She came for me for some advice, and naturally I wanted to help. It escalated to the point she opened me up and made me feel for the first time, and I gave her someone she can feel safe with and feel stable. We both needed something the other already had inside of them.
I think that’s what creates a real relationship. Two people who truly need each other. If you don’t need anything from anyone, then you will never care about other people in general. Maybe you were just born strong enough to be alone. I personally believe one day you will need someone though, and the second you do you will find them, or they will find you.
Posted by starlord
Get your nose checked girl, feremones and smells playes the biggest role in attraction and lust and how and when you chose a partner.
If you do a lot of online dating that explains it all; you're judging first by looks, when attrsction will come much easier if you meet someone in person and smell them first.
We really have very little say in who we are atttacted to and feel that spark with.
Posted by tizianiExactly.
I agree somewhat with Swift but not to that extreme.
To fall in love with someone I have to feel like I'm incomplete without them.
Whereas when I'm busy loving myself and being self sufficient, it feels dead inside and everything loses its taste.
No doubt self-love and awareness is necessary part of adulting, life is hard and just embrace it etc. but basing a relationship off reality and no fantasy is just dead.
Great, we are in a functional, healthy relationship where we achieve our goals interdependently of one another. Lame. I will go get the Volvo estate out the drive and die.
Posted by heliumfiascoNope your just fine.
So, after about 100 dates over the last 3 years I’m concerned I may have a very unrealistic idea of how one should feel?! I never ever get that “spark” feeling with someone. I’ll occasionally for a day or two find someone intriguing, smart or funny. I’m concerned that I have unrealistic expectations. Do you actually feel that sparked passion with your significant other?! Or is that just fictional and momentary. Maybe relationships really are just finding someone you find suitable and just coexisting? This isn’t trolling unfortunately. I joke about becoming the cat lady, but getting concerned. Hahaha
Posted by LadyNeptuneTrue. But dating gets so monotonous and boring.Posted by heliumfiascoNope your just fine.
So, after about 100 dates over the last 3 years I’m concerned I may have a very unrealistic idea of how one should feel?! I never ever get that “spark” feeling with someone. I’ll occasionally for a day or two find someone intriguing, smart or funny. I’m concerned that I have unrealistic expectations. Do you actually feel that sparked passion with your significant other?! Or is that just fictional and momentary. Maybe relationships really are just finding someone you find suitable and just coexisting? This isn’t trolling unfortunately. I joke about becoming the cat lady, but getting concerned. Hahaha
Have I told you how I was single for 6-7 years and went on 2+ dates per week. Blah. Its finding that needle in a haystack. Because perfect on paper means fuck all when it comes to chemistry and vibes.click to expand
Posted by Impulsv
I fell good looking people always complain about lack of sparks
Too good for you mentality?
Posted by Black-MambaSo I worked as a lifeguard/swim instructor at an HOA Pool for 11+ years. Met him there.Posted by LadyNeptunehow did you find your guy?Posted by heliumfiascoNope your just fine.
So, after about 100 dates over the last 3 years I’m concerned I may have a very unrealistic idea of how one should feel?! I never ever get that “spark” feeling with someone. I’ll occasionally for a day or two find someone intriguing, smart or funny. I’m concerned that I have unrealistic expectations. Do you actually feel that sparked passion with your significant other?! Or is that just fictional and momentary. Maybe relationships really are just finding someone you find suitable and just coexisting? This isn’t trolling unfortunately. I joke about becoming the cat lady, but getting concerned. Hahaha
Have I told you how I was single for 6-7 years and went on 2+ dates per week. Blah. Its finding that needle in a haystack. Because perfect on paper means fuck all when it comes to chemistry and vibes.click to expand
Posted by heliumfiasco
So, after about 100 dates over the last 3 years I’m concerned I may have a very unrealistic idea of how one should feel?! I never ever get that “spark” feeling with someone. I’ll occasionally for a day or two find someone intriguing, smart or funny. I’m concerned that I have unrealistic expectations. Do you actually feel that sparked passion with your significant other?! Or is that just fictional and momentary. Maybe relationships really are just finding someone you find suitable and just coexisting? This isn’t trolling unfortunately. I joke about becoming the cat lady, but getting concerned. Hahaha
Posted by DeadInsidehaha. I dated a capricorn for 3 years in my mid twenties. I will say- one of the best humans I've known.
isnt that you who were dating a capricorn ?
yeah i know we put the level so high that it's hard to outshine us, no flex