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This topic was created in the Relationships forum by heliumfiasco on Monday, November 5, 2018 and has 18 replies.
So, after about 100 dates over the last 3 years I’m concerned I may have a very unrealistic idea of how one should feel?! I never ever get that “spark” feeling with someone. I’ll occasionally for a day or two find someone intriguing, smart or funny. I’m concerned that I have unrealistic expectations. Do you actually feel that sparked passion with your significant other?! Or is that just fictional and momentary. Maybe relationships really are just finding someone you find suitable and just coexisting? This isn’t trolling unfortunately. I joke about becoming the cat lady, but getting concerned. Hahaha
Posted by Antiochus

I think what you describe is only natural and healthy. There may be those sparks but those spark are, by defintion, only temporary and incentive that lures us in to start the building process.

The only expectation that ever made sense to me is that said building process should be mostly enjoyable and not a constant battle.
You’re probably right. Makes total sense. I keep disregarding potentially nice partners because it just lacks that intensity I crave. But I’m starting to think that perhaps I’m looking for something unattainable. I feel confused because for 4 years I was in a very toxic/ passionate/ volatile relationship. Then I started dating and kind of was in a desperate state for the year following that relationship. Just because I had a TON of healing to do. Now that I’m finally fantastic on my own... I’ve found the dating to be completely lack luster in a very short period. It makes me feel disheartened that my ideal might be fantasy.
I think the main issue is you don’t really need anyone for anything.

What I’ve personally experienced with the person I’m with is I was really closed off from people, and had no want for a lover. She was in a really abusive relationship, and is a good friend of mine. She came for me for some advice, and naturally I wanted to help. It escalated to the point she opened me up and made me feel for the first time, and I gave her someone she can feel safe with and feel stable. We both needed something the other already had inside of them.

I think that’s what creates a real relationship. Two people who truly need each other. If you don’t need anything from anyone, then you will never care about other people in general. Maybe you were just born strong enough to be alone. I personally believe one day you will need someone though, and the second you do you will find them, or they will find you.
well Idk if it is my earthy placements, but long term compatibility is way higher on my priorities, the more I get to know someone the higher the "feels" now I had great "sparks" with some random people, but is mostly lust, is quite exciting, but it don't last that much, and is not as "fulfilling" as the long term compatibility thing.
Intense feelings come from intimacy and intimacy takes time.

So beginning of relationships its just good to focus on id you’re having fun and feeling comfortable with this person.
Posted by Ellygant

Spark can be immediate. But it can also be cultivated.

What sort of relationship do you visualize for yourself? If you woke up tomorrow, flash forward a year, in your dream relationship, what do you two do? What happens in the mornings waking up beside him? How do you two spend the weekend? What do you share, laugh about, talk about?

Now. Look at all the questions I asked, and take the we out of it. Ask yourself those questions about you, right now, if you woke up tomorrow.

Spark comes when you know yourself well. When you love yourself. Passion starts within you. If you have a passion and direction for yourself, then someone who matches that will magnetically find you faster than you think.
I just want that intensity. Oddly enough I feel better with myself than I’ve ever felt. Love myself more than I ever had. Yet, find it harder than ever to find someone I’d like to explore building with. It feels like I’ve been awakened to myself, but closed to others.
Posted by Swift

I think the main issue is you don’t really need anyone for anything.

What I’ve personally experienced with the person I’m with is I was really closed off from people, and had no want for a lover. She was in a really abusive relationship, and is a good friend of mine. She came for me for some advice, and naturally I wanted to help. It escalated to the point she opened me up and made me feel for the first time, and I gave her someone she can feel safe with and feel stable. We both needed something the other already had inside of them.

I think that’s what creates a real relationship. Two people who truly need each other. If you don’t need anything from anyone, then you will never care about other people in general. Maybe you were just born strong enough to be alone. I personally believe one day you will need someone though, and the second you do you will find them, or they will find you.
This makes a lot of sense to me. I was someone who always was with someone. Only from 31-33 have I ever been single. I could easily fall into a 2-3 year relationship, because I needed someone. Once I was forced to work through the toxicity of living like that I now find myself getting asked out more than ever, but subsequently having a very nonchalant attitude towards it. Although I would like to be in love.
Posted by starlord

Get your nose checked girl, feremones and smells playes the biggest role in attraction and lust and how and when you chose a partner.

If you do a lot of online dating that explains it all; you're judging first by looks, when attrsction will come much easier if you meet someone in person and smell them first.

We really have very little say in who we are atttacted to and feel that spark with.



Only been on a few online dates. I don’t like them.... but this nose thing is serious?! Really?
Posted by tiziani

I agree somewhat with Swift but not to that extreme.

To fall in love with someone I have to feel like I'm incomplete without them.

Whereas when I'm busy loving myself and being self sufficient, it feels dead inside and everything loses its taste.

No doubt self-love and awareness is necessary part of adulting, life is hard and just embrace it etc. but basing a relationship off reality and no fantasy is just dead.

Great, we are in a functional, healthy relationship where we achieve our goals interdependently of one another. Lame. I will go get the Volvo estate out the drive and die.
Exactly.
I'm Libra with Venus in Virgo...OP I can relate to everything. Sooooo many dates with guys from all kinds of backgrounds/colour/status at and literally no sparks. And the ones that attract me never seem to work. Why in my opinion? Too little effort made, acceptability to undervalue people's time and effort, social media addiction, inability to be true to self.

Sad times Sad
Posted by heliumfiasco

So, after about 100 dates over the last 3 years I’m concerned I may have a very unrealistic idea of how one should feel?! I never ever get that “spark” feeling with someone. I’ll occasionally for a day or two find someone intriguing, smart or funny. I’m concerned that I have unrealistic expectations. Do you actually feel that sparked passion with your significant other?! Or is that just fictional and momentary. Maybe relationships really are just finding someone you find suitable and just coexisting? This isn’t trolling unfortunately. I joke about becoming the cat lady, but getting concerned. Hahaha
Nope your just fine.

Have I told you how I was single for 6-7 years and went on 2+ dates bi weekly. Blah. Its finding that needle in a haystack. Because perfect on paper means fuck all when it comes to chemistry and vibes.
Posted by LadyNeptune

Posted by heliumfiasco

So, after about 100 dates over the last 3 years I’m concerned I may have a very unrealistic idea of how one should feel?! I never ever get that “spark” feeling with someone. I’ll occasionally for a day or two find someone intriguing, smart or funny. I’m concerned that I have unrealistic expectations. Do you actually feel that sparked passion with your significant other?! Or is that just fictional and momentary. Maybe relationships really are just finding someone you find suitable and just coexisting? This isn’t trolling unfortunately. I joke about becoming the cat lady, but getting concerned. Hahaha
Nope your just fine.

Have I told you how I was single for 6-7 years and went on 2+ dates per week. Blah. Its finding that needle in a haystack. Because perfect on paper means fuck all when it comes to chemistry and vibes.
click to expand
True. But dating gets so monotonous and boring.
Posted by Impulsv

I fell good looking people always complain about lack of sparks

Too good for you mentality?


Is this referring to me? That I think I’m too good for people, or vice versa? Definitely not the case on my end. To be honest— it’s more a lack of mental connection. Boredom. Lack of depth.

I was mostly asking because I’m worried that my perspective of what I should be feeling may not exist. I guess how would I ever know, since I only have my experiences to ever gauge off of. I was wondering if I’m the only one who feels this way. My whole perspective is new now, because I used to easily fall into unsatisfying relationships regularly, just to avoid being alone. Now I don’t do that.... and it’s a whole new way to navigate.
Posted by Black-Mamba

Posted by LadyNeptune

Posted by heliumfiasco

So, after about 100 dates over the last 3 years I’m concerned I may have a very unrealistic idea of how one should feel?! I never ever get that “spark” feeling with someone. I’ll occasionally for a day or two find someone intriguing, smart or funny. I’m concerned that I have unrealistic expectations. Do you actually feel that sparked passion with your significant other?! Or is that just fictional and momentary. Maybe relationships really are just finding someone you find suitable and just coexisting? This isn’t trolling unfortunately. I joke about becoming the cat lady, but getting concerned. Hahaha
Nope your just fine.

Have I told you how I was single for 6-7 years and went on 2+ dates per week. Blah. Its finding that needle in a haystack. Because perfect on paper means fuck all when it comes to chemistry and vibes.
how did you find your guy?
click to expand
So I worked as a lifeguard/swim instructor at an HOA Pool for 11+ years. Met him there.

Posted by heliumfiasco

So, after about 100 dates over the last 3 years I’m concerned I may have a very unrealistic idea of how one should feel?! I never ever get that “spark” feeling with someone. I’ll occasionally for a day or two find someone intriguing, smart or funny. I’m concerned that I have unrealistic expectations. Do you actually feel that sparked passion with your significant other?! Or is that just fictional and momentary. Maybe relationships really are just finding someone you find suitable and just coexisting? This isn’t trolling unfortunately. I joke about becoming the cat lady, but getting concerned. Hahaha


100 dates over 3 years? that would bore me to senselessness, if it makes sense smile

no wonder you dont feel intensity anymore.... probably the dates were people who also went on 100 dates in 3 years, so didnt provide any depth or intensity, because watch the clock, the new date is behind the corner mentality?

you didnt give a real chance to the "spark" thing, it seems it became a routine and the constant dating wear you out maybe? and the ones who you dated feel the same as well?

the other thing is, people who date a lot are usually not over of somebody, like yourself

build a good group of friends (or maintain the existing one) to go out regularly with them instead of dates

its easier to get the spark if you are out with your group of trusted friends (mixed group), and then you see someone you like, have a chat, go back to your friends (to the safety net) then again chat with the interest.... it can be real... like shyness or someting, less self assuredness more romantics

thats the way smile

or maybe not, only you know what you truly want
Realistically ive probably gone on like 25 dates. I'm just exaggerating to be more sensational. haha
Posted by DeadInside

isnt that you who were dating a capricorn ?

yeah i know we put the level so high that it's hard to outshine us, no flex
haha. I dated a capricorn for 3 years in my mid twenties. I will say- one of the best humans I've known.
Yes you most probably, as many others, have form unrealistic expectations on relationships, partners, feelings etc.

First of all I believe that going in so many dates is not the way to find what you are looking for. To feel that spark you describe you can't treat potential partners like their are going through an audition.


The spark comes up naturally when you do not force it. Feelings can not be forced.

In your position I would either get off dating for a while and have fun with my friends /family/ on my own. But still meet people and initiate contact and interest with the ones I like.

Or I would pick one of those people that I date and have a nice time with and spend more time, go on more dates. Sometimes feelings need more time to develop. Also the spark you describe its probably sexual tension..... Which fades away with time as you get to know someone more and more.