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This topic was created in the Relationships forum by WaterCup on Tuesday, March 5, 2013 and has 44 replies.
What is the "correct" amount of times people in a relationship should speak?
And when should you be worried?
I've seen some people freak out because a guy didn't call for 3 days or w/e, and to me 3 days is not such a bad thing. In my relationships a guy can call whenever he feels like it, I dont have expectations and I dont lose my head just because he didnt call me in days or weeks. I'm too busy to notice lol and maybe thats a bad thing, I d/k, but I'm fine with it. What I don't like thou is daily calls, I find them annoying and a conversation killer...you run out of important & interesting things to talk about than when there's a break inbetween each call.
I was in a relationship when the guy used to call once a week & I didnt see nothing wrong with that. Btw, in my life I've never called a guy 1st so maybe that's why I'm ok with "whenever". Plus for some reason I don't think I'm loved less based on how many times he calls. I suck in relationships lol, I treat them like a normal friendship between "real" friends where there are no expectations.
I'm looking forward to what you guys have to say and thanks in advance.
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You know you are going to get people giving you the generic crap about Aquas and space right?
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NYAA, but I'm REALLY interested in this. I wanna understand the whole contact thing and why some go crazy over it. In the guys I've been with, when they called and the "hellos and how are yous" were exchanged, I found myself asking "is there something else?"...I honestly dont understand why people need to call each other unless there's something IMPORTANT to say or ask. I ONLY call people when I have something to say, an important matter that cant wait. I dont call just because I miss someone, thats ridiculous...yeah, I do miss and move on, not enough reason to call lol.
One last thing, why do people call? I swear I'm not trying to be funny, just trying to "get it".
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WaterCup you have to look at this in the context of the relationship.
If you've built up a repoire with someone where you talk every day or communicate in some form in a daily basis...and then they don't hear from you for three days? Its not a question of clingy or needy. That person cares about you. That's basic principles of human interaction. Most people give a damn about you calling them and keeping in contact. Both males and females. If you told them you didn't want to talk to them fir that amount time is one thing. But if you just disappear, sorry but that simply being inconsiderate. If you set those parameters up in the beginning then I would understand but look at it realistically.
The reason why people get upset because they're not given all the info about your habits in the beginning so they have a real choice as to whether they want to form a bond with you. It ain't that your lying or being dishonest, but who discloses the full truth about themselves in the beginning? But on the other hand, if you have the tendency to do that, it is something they should know so if they choose to be around you; they can expect it. So if you're not going to tell them that's how you are, you can't get upset when they show concern when you do it or they confront you about it. Can't have it both ways.
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BS, I get your point but I'm personally not like that and dont think I give that impression either. I simply DO NOT CALL EVER, from the beginning...thats how I am. If I call its because its important. I leave the 'calling' to a guy and I dont get upset if he doesnt call either. One of my exes (scorp) used to call like 3 times in a row (monday, tuesday, wednesday) then he would stop, ofcourse I got used to the daily, but I neither called to ask why or got upset about. As a matter of fact, when he called again he would ask me why I always wait for him to call etc. I dont have an answer to that other than not having a reason to call. I still get what you mean thou. Just curious..whats the conversation like when you talk daily? Dont you run out of things to talk about? See, i hate that, the awkward pauses. They are so unnecessary and the cure for them IMHO, is to not to call all the time. I could be wrong but its good to learn something new and hear other point of views.
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Tiziani, what amount of contact are you comfortable with? Daily? Weekly? And whats too much or too little contact for you?
I have a hatred for phones, I'd rather meet in person every now & then than have daily phone calls or texts. They are so pointless in my eyes unless its about something important. I'm not a perfect girlfriend at all lol, I compensate in other areas. Like, I'm very strict about being "the only one", some may call it posessiveness or jealousy or w/e, but I call it respect. Respect for my time and etc. Dont juggle me and other females because I feel like you're disrespecting the time & energy I spend when with you. That kind of stuff. I'm a monster when it comes to sharing a guy with other people lol. I cant stand it! I rather out myself from it all even if I love him. Cant share, never.
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I completely agree with your post, Tiziani, especially the part about Facebook. Really? Why? I dont see the point in involving your relationship with w.w.w. Its absurd. And phones/texts could prove troublesome too in relationships because its easy to misunderstand written word or even tone sometimes without body language or facial expression to pick up on. A person can tell you anything over the phone & make it believable even if its total bs in reality. I believe in "old school" ways of dating & communication...face2face. Whenever possible.
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I'm a Sag, I never run out of things to talk about lol
Seriously, I get what you're saying. Yeah at times I do run out of things to talk about. So does whomever I'm interested in. The refreshing thing is that most of the women I've dated understood that. At times we would run out of things to talk about or need some alone time. We would kinda imply that we didn't have anything to say at the moment. A brief call or a text was good for both of us. Just to let the other know that you're on their mind.
A agree with what Tiz said about social media extending into relationships. Fortunately, its something I haven't had to deal with in the past as we were private about our relationship. In my humble opinion, you're simply inviting trouble.
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DS, stupid question but why? What do you GET (lack of better words) out of constant contact? Why do you think you want/need it? Just curious
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Lmao @ phone breathing. I'm the same with friends too, I call only when its necessary ie birthdays etc, otherwise I dont bother. And, its true too what you say about HAVING something to talk about, if not.. then why call? Waste of time, really. Nice post, libra.
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My husvand has always rang me everyday on his break even if we have had a disagreement. He knows he will only get a mouthful of passive aggrssive sarcasm but he still rigs bless him. I think if he ever didnt ring or I didnt answer then it would be the beginning of the end for us (obviously unless we were just really busy!) I never used to be into a lot of communication but I think its sweet that he likes to check in on my day. I would also be fine with him not checkig in if that was how it had been from beginning.
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when my hubby used to work far (which wasn't long ago) he'd call me up to 2, maybe 3 times. 2x at the evening because it's before or after going to dinner with his colleagues, and 1x before heading to bed. It was a snuggle buggle time talking.
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Posted by beautifulsoul74
WaterCup you have to look at this in the context of the relationship.
If you've built up a repoire with someone where you talk every day or communicate in some form in a daily basis...and then they don't hear from you for three days? Its not a question of clingy or needy. That person cares about you. That's basic principles of human interaction. Most people give a damn about you calling them and keeping in contact. Both males and females. If you told them you didn't want to talk to them fir that amount time is one thing. But if you just disappear, sorry but that simply being inconsiderate. If you set those parameters up in the beginning then I would understand but look at it realistically.



I was just having this conversation with some of my HS students. They asked me, "Miss, if you didn't hear from your boyfriend for say, a couple of hours or a whole day, would you be suspicious?"
lol.
I told them you have to set this up from the beginning. I said, "If you are going to wait an hour eventually to return a text, then do that from the very beginning. Don't answer it right away at first, and then gradually taper off, that is why people get paranoid!"
Once I dated a Taurus and I used to hear from him every 2 or 3 days or so. Never thought anything of it, because it was an established pattern.
Looking back on all my dating over the past 2 years, though, I will say that all 4 guys who were really seriously interested always kept in contact with me every single day throughout the relationship, even when we were not exclusive.
Leo- would call every night at 9.
Pisces- always good morning, a text or call when he got home from work, and good night. every day without fail.
Capricorn- good morning,phone call at 8 pm. random texts throughout the day.
Scorpio- good morning, good night, phone conversation sometime in the evening.
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Posted by DazedScorp
Posted by WaterCup
DS, stupid question but why? What do you GET (lack of better words) out of constant contact? Why do you think you want/need it? Just curious


Not a stupid question by any means.
I don't really know to be honest. I do think it's a need though.
I asked the Scorp the other day...
Me: "Does it bother you that I constantly text/call you?"
Her: "Why would it? Does it bother you that I do the same?"
It's something that we both need, I suppose. I don't think it's a constant need to stay in contact, but rather, a need to constantly share and trade ideas that may be running through our minds.
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Merc conjunct Merc Winking
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DS, Fair enough, at least you both feel the same way about it so no harm done, I guess.
SL, I'm different in a relationship thou. Here (on the forums), I can only be "vocal" until I tire of whatever is being discussed (then I remove myself), and I'm not expected to answer when I dont want to. So, there's a huge difference between the me in here and the me in real life. Relationships are hard for me because you have to consider the other person, their needs & their feelings...I dont have the tools to do that yet. And, in a relationship your actions directly affect your lover. There are expectations to be met and thats where I suck as a person...I like doing things my way and on my pace & I only know "my, me or I", which dont exist in a relationship. All my relationships have ended because I felt overwhelmed by the needs of my partners and I like to give as little as possible because I dont ask for too much. I'm not fit for a relationship lol. I'm trying thou, but for now, Duncan is a perfect boyfriend for me lol...he asks for nothing. I feel naked now and I may delete this thread.
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Growing up in a younger generation, I'm used to texting more than calling. As long as my s/o texts me every day or two, I'm good. I want to feel like I'm in a relationship with them, but without contact at least once every day or two, I won't feel like I'm in a relationship. I prefer quite a few texts a day, but I won't get mad if not, as long as they text the next day. As far as calling, I don't need calls. Maybe one every week or two..or three. But, obviously, talking often would probably make me happier. My ex used the excuse 'I don't like talking all the time because there's nothing to talk about after a while.' I call bs on that excuse all the time. Shit, there is literally everything and anything we can talk about. Not much going on in your life? Talk about your thoughts, upcoming events, your pets, the weather, what your wearing. I don't care. It's still conversation and I love communicating and hearing from my s/o. Just my opinion.
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Scenic, idle talk is boring thou and not everybody enjoys talking about absolutely nothing. I get where he is coming from. Watch weather reports on tv if you wanna know about the weather lol.
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WC you're gonna hate me but I'm terrible lol!
you know the couples that do the whole "No you hang up first, no you!" well *raises hand* YEP THATS ME! Big Grin
But in saying that I don't really expect any sort of pattern. If a random thought pops in to my head I'd text or call or take a picture of whatever that reminded me of her TO her. So give or take in a day there's a lot of contact.
I think for me it's established I don't need a pattern and I expect them to know there won't be a pattern from me too. I mean I could get completely smashed at work and not contact her for a whole day but rest assured I'll tell her all about it the next day.
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Posted by WaterCup
Scenic, idle talk is boring thou and not everybody enjoys talking about absolutely nothing. I get where he is coming from. Watch weather reports on tv if you wanna know about the weather lol.


Yeah, I get it, but the thing is, even if you don't like it, that doesn't mean there aren't things to talk about. I mean, we didn't even talk that much. We skyped about once or twice a month and still....'there's not much to talk about'. Well, when will there be? Never, apparently. I don't get it, if you don't feel it's necessary to talk unless you have something specific to say, then why do we talk at all? I don't think I could call that much of a relationship...or, anything, really. Communication is very important to me in relationships, so that's just one thing that makes me kind of sad. I just need someone who feels the same way about that.
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(Just wanna say that's just me ranting. Not telling you you're wrong for your preference.)
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Aquasnoz, but the things you said are interesting, except for the "no you hang up 1st..". Most guys are boring and only call just to ask what you are doing. Like, what do you expect me to be doing? I think random stuff like that I could take over the same routine of how are you, what are you doing, etc. Something that doesnt involve us or the relationship. Some guys are really heavy lol and they make phone convos unbearable."Do you miss me? I miss you.", how do you answer to that without feeling like a complete moron. Some things are better said in person. Me & the scorp I dated used to fight about that lol, he said the silliest things over the phone & expected emmidiate answers. A guy like you who keeps things fun & light is ok by me
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Scenic, its ok, I understand. If thats what makes you happy then who am I to disagree lol. Is this the aqua or the scorp?
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Ligeia, I wrote this because you hear a lot of "he is not that into you" should a guy not call for a couple of days. Just wanted to show that not every relationship follows the same unwritten rules, the rules are set by the couple involved & what they are comfortable with. But maybe, just maybe, when it comes to the worried part then maybe the "rules" do apply...trying to understand lol.
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Posted by WaterCup
Scenic, its ok, I understand. If thats what makes you happy then who am I to disagree lol. Is this the aqua or the scorp?


Heh, who do you think?
The scorp used to call me everyday, actually. : )
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"How you doing" text everyday.
Call 1 or 2 times a week.
Then again I'm an Aqua as well so wtf do I know.
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Meet 1 time a week.
Forgot that one.
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Lol @ scenic. Aqua men are terrible lol, so "undatable"
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Ligeia, I dont know which book you are talking about, so I'm lost on what to say now. If the rule in the book sounds about right to you then big ups to you.
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Lmao @ BSC
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Its true what BSC says thou, I mean whats the point of meeting everyday? Thats when people start to get really annoying, when you meet them every single day. I made a mistake of getting married lol, thinking I'd still be able to keep my space. Boy, was I wrong! Whenever he came home (when i was in SPACE MODE), I would seeth deep down inside thinking "why, why, why?". Separate bedrooms eased all of that, I'd just lock myself in there until I felt like company again. Never again to marriage. Total disaster!
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Posted by WaterCup
Lol @ scenic. Aqua men are terrible lol, so "undatable"


I resent this statement. Winking
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Posted by NotYourAverageAquarius
Posted by WaterCup
Lol @ scenic. Aqua men are terrible lol, so "undatable"


I resent this statement. Winking
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Hehe, it's okay, I still like all you guys! The aqua had a different way to love, but I found enjoyment in his way, too. Just some little things that made me annoyed, like would happen with anyone I'm with. I certainly have a new appreciation for male and female aquas after that experience. : )
Anyway, I am officially out before I derail anymore!
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NYAA, What I say doesnt matter, what I feel is more important and I love you guys...just wouldnt date you all lol. I tried once & I came out frost-bitten, dude was ice cold. 1 year I spent in North Pole with that Santa.
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Theultra, I dont really think that lol, but I do believe that, in order for the relationship to work & the spark to keep burning...balance is needed. Togetherness with lots of space thrown in the mix..without the balance things start to get bleh. With me I found that with the aries ex I was more attentive & loving after space was given, to recharge my love batteries lol. Again, I d/k, I think it differs from person to person.
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Posted by beautifulsoul74
WaterCup you have to look at this in the context of the relationship.
If you've built up a repoire with someone where you talk every day or communicate in some form in a daily basis...and then they don't hear from you for three days? Its not a question of clingy or needy. That person cares about you.



Agreed, but that's what makes a person resort to being clingy/needy. The person being ignored is going to go from 0 to 60 & start contacting like crazy. Are you ok? Why haven't I heard from you? Why haven't you called me back? etc. & it's usually women doing it because that's how some guys like to flip it, ijs.
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Posted by WaterCup
Dont you run out of things to talk about? See, i hate that, the awkward pauses. They are so unnecessary and the cure for them IMHO, is to not to call all the time.


I agree with this too. I need to miss someone & tell them the exciting things I've been doing while I've been MIA. If I have a 4 hour long convo with a guy on Monday, I'm not going to want to talk to you on Tuesday. What didn't we cover in 4 hours on Monday that we have to talk again on Tuesday? Or even Wednesday? Lol.
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Posted by exoskeleton
there's no "correct" amount, just whatever feels comfortable for both and works with your life style s/schedules.


Yup.
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Posted by WaterCup
Ligeia, I wrote this because you hear a lot of "he is not that into you" should a guy not call for a couple of days.


You're just on point here tonight WC! This goes for women as well. I've been through that on the flip side. I have really liked a guy but sometimes I would just totally back off. It didn't mean I wasn't interested because I was very. Most of the time people are so quick to say oh "he/she is not that into you", I believe there are other indications that someone is not into you other than a person not calling for a few days.
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Posted by LIBRA1234
"Most of the time people are so quick to say oh "he/she is not that into you", I believe there are other indications that someone is not into you other than a person not calling for a few days."
From my own experience and experience from ALL of my girlfriends, that's exactly what it means... just sayin...


No it's not. From YOUR own experience & from ALL of YOUR girlfriends, yes, that's exactly what it means to YOU & YOUR FRIENDS because you probably keep attracting guys that are not into you. That DOES NOT ring true for everyone.
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+1 RealTalk. Not ALL relationships are the same. And, just because it happened to you, doesnt mean its happening to somebody else. That's like diognising a disease based on 1 symptom instead of many. Its a coldsore on my lip lol, stop saying its Aids. Sheesh. People like to project their situations on other people.
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Posted by LIBRA1234
Posted by RealTalk
Posted by LIBRA1234
"Most of the time people are so quick to say oh "he/she is not that into you", I believe there are other indications that someone is not into you other than a person not calling for a few days."
From my own experience and experience from ALL of my girlfriends, that's exactly what it means... just sayin...


No it's not. From YOUR own experience & from ALL of YOUR girlfriends, yes, that's exactly what it means to YOU & YOUR FRIENDS because you probably keep attracting guys that are not into you. That DOES NOT ring true for everyone.


I have a good sample size in order to draw a conclusion. If you can prove otherwise go ahead... how many people U know that had different experience. Btw the last time I was single was 15 years ago, and I did then encounter a couple of guys who were not that into me ... realizing that fact in a timely manner and moving to the worthy one is a skill and strength, not many posses I may say...
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I already did. You quoted me.
Yes, YOU have a sample size because YOU kept dating men who weren't into you at the time. That doesn't mean it's relevant to what you're doing now. And yes it is a skill that's why you're in a 15 year relationship, kudos. But you said the reason a guy isn't into you is because he skips a few days of not calling.
From my own experience and experience from ALL of my girlfriends, that's exactly what it means... just sayin...

I've dated guys that were "just not that into me" & it wasn't because they weren't contacting me.
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Posted by WaterCup
+1 RealTalk. Not ALL relationships are the same. And, just because it happened to you, doesnt mean its happening to somebody else. That's like diognising a disease based on 1 symptom instead of many. Its a coldsore on my lip lol, stop saying its Aids. Sheesh. People like to project their situations on other people.


Yup.
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n't quote the entire thing but this is what I said:
Posted by RealTalk
Posted by WaterCup
Ligeia, I wrote this because you hear a lot of "he is not that into you" should a guy not call for a couple of days.


This goes for women as well. I've been through that on the flip side. I have really liked a guy but sometimes I would just totally back off. It didn't mean I wasn't interested because I was very.
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Also when I dated a my ex. In the beginning he disappeared & didn't call as much. Guess what, it stopped. He was into me after all. Whadya know?
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*my
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