Control, relationships and compromise.

This topic was created in the Relationships forum by spica on Tuesday, June 9, 2009 and has 23 replies.
Hello,
I have decided this forum is a comfortable place to embed this topic.
How much does control affect a relationship?
Is it possible at all for both partners to truly give up the need to control the other?
(Note that you may agree to it, but then it takes 2 hands to clap).
Control can spoil relationships, agree?
What if you love the person, but don't want to be under their control?
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Thanks for mentioning my name throughout the post lolz. smile
Why do u exhale and inhale so much, lol.
[quote]i can relate to all this, trust.....[/quote]
Thank you. This means alot.
Darn, I wish control could be thrown out the window. There seems not to be a happy compromise. It leads to the demise of the 'ship Sad.
Well, how do males retain control? By not speaking.
When they don't speak, the female is left guessing.
This totally screws up the relationship, because it gets nowhere, and alot of misunderstandings abound.
And there's nothing both partners can do about it.
Can you imagine the scenario where no one budges? Because mistrust is already created.
Commnication needs to be open, but is that more an ideal than reality?
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Mmmmmm control....
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Men want too much control in a relationship.
Wish there was a happy balance.
"ya when men pull the silent treatment it works my last nerve...this is a sucky way to control a situation cuz it only prolongs what needs be said, interpretations set in and misunderstandings ensue...and u end up in relationship hell.
in agreement communication is everything... ideally men would think more like women "
Sigh. Sad
I end up with control freaks who want it their way or no way. Strangely it's alluring. BUT role reversal needs to happen sometime Tongue
Scorpio energy put your hand up. Or is it universal and Chromosome X trait? Because some women know how to act like men. And uh, men end up confused. lolz.
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vh- r u controlling ?

hahahaha...nil, did you notice the Mmmmmmmmm
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Not in the way you're thinking. Hmm how to approach this...
Okay, there are tons of snarky comments smile on this forum that label Virgo's as having to ALWAYS be right which also translates into a certain stubborness we're told we have. I mostly agree to this. If I see something that I think needs to be done a "right" way (per my perspective), why NOT take it that direction? Why CHOOSE to do something wrong?
Now from what many of you have mentioned, the stereotypical V tends to take a role in the background rather than a role running point on something. I would say this applied to me when I was a teenager but I learned at a very young age...
sometimes the only way to get something done RIGHT is to be in control of it. I take great pride in something I put work, effort, true heart into, etc so I want it to turn out good! So I adapted to learn how to lead / control certain things, not based out of a need to be the alpha male, but out of a need to get it done.
Now back to the original question...
How this translates in my relationships? I would say when I was younger, it could get pretty bad Tongue Whoever I was dating couldn't do anything right. I felt I had to take care of everything because she was going to screw it up. If I left her to her own devices, she was going to fail. Was this fair? Absolutely not. Lack of trust and confidence in said person leads to pure disrespect. It wasn't right and it certainly wasn't working.
Fast forward to now. Compromise. The compromise I learned had nothing to do with "working it out" with a person I was involved in. The compromise I learned had to do with myself. I learned (the hard way) that I'm just not perfect at EVERYTHING (nooo! lol) and to put trust in people that are better at things I'm weaker at. Relationship wise, this meant getting involved with someone that fits me rather than someone that "just has a sweet ass". It meant getting involved with someone that I let take point on the things she was stronger on. Conversely, making sure she's a chic that let me run point on stuff I was stronger on. In short, getting her back on the things she was doing and knowing she had mine on the stuff I was doing. Confident + trust = Not having to control everything = Respect.
(Cont...)
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Jay-Z put it best...
'03 Bonnie and Clyde (Love this song)
"Cuz mami's a rida, and I'm a rolla
Put us togetha, how they gon' stop both us?
Whateva she lacks, I'm right over her shoulder
When I'm off track mami is keepin' me focused
So let's lock this down like it's supposed to be
The '03 Bonnie and Clyde, Hov' and B, holla"

All I need in this life of sin...
is me and my girlfriend smile

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Posted by nihilist
haha, ya i noticed vh
Devil


LOL are we going back to my little "ownership" story? *SIGH* MY COMMENTARY IS RUINED lol
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Your new nickname is "Bonnie"
ur commentary was perfect u r well adjusted now...
Nah, quite honestly I'm such a pain in the ass to date. It is what it is lol.
i actually do not know many virgos, at least close enough to dissect. my dad was one & he was a whore, lol. but a great dad whore? LOL!
one of my favorite jay z tunes btw.
Yah! If we ever hook up for lunch, we'll bring it "Cruisin' down the westside highway"
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I think that very open communication is certainly achievable (I have this with someone now), and is not just an ideal. But the catch is, I think you have to start out that way right from the beginning...If you are already in a pattern with someone, it's going to be very hard to break.
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"sometimes the only way to get something done RIGHT is to be in control of it. I take great pride in something I put work, effort, true heart into, etc so I want it to turn out good! So I adapted to learn how to lead / control certain things, not based out of a need to be the alpha male, but out of a need to get it done."
VH-This is soooo true with me too. I think Aries and Virgo are similar on this front. I started doing this as a child. I would take over group projects just cause I couldn't trust my class mates to do it "right" or on time. I'm still like this...just give it to me and I'll do it! It will be easier on everyone and you'll thank me in the end.
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Posted by ramfishtwins
"VH-This is soooo true with me too. I think Aries and Virgo are similar on this front. I started doing this as a child. I would take over group projects just cause I couldn't trust my class mates to do it "right" or on time. I'm still like this...just give it to me and I'll do it! It will be easier on everyone and you'll thank me in the end.



And has this translated into your relationships?
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my gem is very controlling
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i agree star
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Posted by lanathegreat
Unfortunately, most people do not share my opinion. So I'm doomed to live in a solitude. Damn, I'd rather take that then living in hell!


Nod. I've pretty much resolved myself to this. I love being jaded lol
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Posted by Starfish225
If both ppl are willing to compromise and neither is fillied with insecurities there shouldn't be any reason for control..


I agree SF smile very well said!
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Posted by VirgoHero
Posted by ramfishtwins
"VH-This is soooo true with me too. I think Aries and Virgo are similar on this front. I started doing this as a child. I would take over group projects just cause I couldn't trust my class mates to do it "right" or on time. I'm still like this...just give it to me and I'll do it! It will be easier on everyone and you'll thank me in the end.



And has this translated into your relationships?

click to expand


Of course...I pretty much "wear the pants" in my relationship. I've got a Taurus though so it goes over somewhat o.k. He usually sits back and lets me go.
I'm not happy about this side of me...I wish I could trust others and learn to give up control. But, when you grew up with one of the most controling fathers, that doesn't help. I wonder if it's nurture over nature in this case???
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Posted by Starfish225
If both ppl are willing to compromise and neither is fillied with insecurities there shouldn't be any reason for control..


Think that would be in a perfect world...good thought though...
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Before I add my 2cents I just want to say that I think the word CONTROL is a scary word. When you think of someone controlling you, it's like someone dominating or bossing you & what I'm about to say has nothing to do with those things or that kind of control.
Maybe I'm old school in my thinking but I believe that in a partnership, one person has to have more of a leadership role then the other. If two people are trying to lead at the same time, how is that gonna work? It's like having too many cooks in the kitchen. Typically, throughout history, the man has taken on the leadership role, head of the house/family..for a reason. I believe that it is ingrained in men to be leaders & when we take them out of this role, they don't know what to do with themselves.
I see alot of talk about trust on this forum, especially when it comes to snooping through a S.O.'s belongings & how that is soooo wrong, you should have trust, you hafta have trust. So if you trust your partner enough that you don't feel the need to go through their things....shouldn't you trust them enough to lead you & your family unit in the right direction? Shouldn't you have enough trust in your partner to believe that they love you & wouldn't do anything to harm you?
IMO...we women have taken away the job of man "I don't need you, I'm independent, you aren't leading me anywhere, I'm capable of leading myself" & then we wonder why men act the way they do...they're just trying to find a place to fit into our lives but instinctually, they want to be a MAN, they want to lead the family. We have too much pride to let them do that so we just continue on screaming about how we don't need them LOL It's not about someone controlling what you wear or how you do your hair, or what career you choose. It's about having trust & relinquishing a lil of our control to the man to allow him to fill the role he is genetically programed to have.
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I think compromise with some control is the key. For example: we can do what you want to do this time but the next time it's my choice or vice vesa. I think both sides win this way. So control and compomise can work together but both parties must participate. Someone that wants to control everything is basically saying it's all about me. So let it be all about them by themselves. Couple means more than one.
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Ofcourse women are CAPABLE of leading, I didn't say we weren't. I can also pee standing up if I absolutely had to... this will not kill me but the fact that in RECENT history women have taken on leadership roles cannot take away ALL of history where primarely it was the man leading the countries, leading the armies out to battle, leading the tribes, leading the family unit. Yes I will use history & genetics as proof that men are natural leaders, women are also capable, but there is a reason why throughout all of history it was the man that was chosen to lead. Because geneticly it comes more natural to him, it's the way his mind works, the way he processes info, the way that he can seperate emotion from logic.
As I said to you in my other post AquaLeo, women took the equal rights movement & went crazy with it. YAY for us that we now have the right to vote & recieve equal pay as we should! But equal rights does not mean that we are equal in every way to a man, we have the same rights because we are all human being & deserve the same rights however we women are not exactly like men! We are different & that is OK! I'm secure in my womanhood & all that comes with being a woman. I enjoy being a woman, I enjoy the differences...hence the reason I am sexually atrracted to men & I have no desire to be a man or act like one.
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I was leading in a relationship for 10 years and it was like I was his mother. I lost complete respect for him because he started depending on me to much. It seemed as if I was the male and he was the female. Now I have met someone that likes to have control but is very grounded and I love it.
It just makes me feel like a woman. I would not go for the controlling type as far as how my hair looks and what I wear though. He can give his opinion but ultimatley it would be my choice.
I do like a man being in the lead as far as life/family decisions but not personal ones when it has to do with me.
He also would need to be able to have the ability to to see my side and compromise if I have something to say that makes much more sense than the way he was doing things.
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Question???????

Should you consider yourself the leader because you bring home most of the bacon?
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