Couple's Counseling

This is a pretty sensitive subject, so for once, I would like some insight to this.

My taurus and I have been together going on a year now (whoo!). We don't have many problems in our relationship, except for one thing: our own individual issues. We both have personal problems (my anxiety and his depression) which we have both sought therapy for. Individually, we can deal with our issues and seek help, but we don't really know how to come together to talk about our problems. We both handle crises very differently. For example, he is used to withdrawing and being alone; I am more comfortable seeking help from a trusted person. Unfortunately, these differences make it slightly hard for us to say "Hey, I am having a problem and I need help."

When I was in therapy, my therapist suggested couple's counseling. She explained that it wasn't meant to be something negative, but for something helpful for us to understand our problems and open up about them with a neutral party. We both find comfort in speaking to our therapists, but not to each other; and it's inevitable that personal problems are going to leak into the relationship, whether you want them to or not.

At first, I was a little uncertain. IMO, couple's counseling always seemed like that one resort for married couples to fix problems so that divorce wasn't an option. I've never considered for just a dating couple though. The more I thought about it, the more I entertained the idea and opened up to it. I know I open up easily with a therapist, and deep down, I would like for my boyfriend to see what goes on in my head without there being any discrepancies. I spoke to his best friend about it (a girl and the one person who knows him the best) and she gave me her blessing and also said that the counseling would be a good idea.

The issue I have is is that I don't know how to bring up the idea. I went over it once with my therapist, but I tend to stray away from confrontation or sensitive topics. I don't want my boyfriend to misconstrue the topic as a negative thing because I don't see it as a negative issue at all. I see is as more of a trust building and bonding option to help strengthen our relationship; also, it would help us both I think to open up more about our individual problems and to know what is going on with the other person.

So, what are some ways to approach the topic? How should I even bring it up?

Posted by capgirl75
Ok, so you've been together a year, are you considering marriage ever?
I would say its a good idea to spend some time in counseling then, work on your communication issues and deal with your baggage. It will only make your relationship stronger.
If more couples were proactive there would be less divorce.

That's how I would bring it up. I would tell him that you live him, are happy with the relationship, and that you think it's a good idea for you both to work on these small issues before they become bigger problems so you can strengthen your relationship and get the skills you need to resolve future conflicts.

I can't say for sure where we stand on the marriage issue. I don't like to think about it right now and neither does he. Being only 23 (him) and me going on 22, I don't think either of us are ready for such a big step. I never really considered marriage for myself anyway, but I would like a family. And when I think about it, I can see him being in my life like that. While neither of us have considered marriage, the way we speak to each other, we have no plans to actually end our relationship. While I think we still need to talk where our future is taking us, he has said things to me like, "If I ever won the lottery, I would pay off both of our student loans," "If you had to join the military (because my family keeps saying I should), I'm joining with you," and "You're my family to me."

So anyway, I am very happy with our relationship, very happy with him, I love very much and enough so that I want to strengthen our relationship to get past our individual issues and open up more and resolve our problems (in the past I would have just run away from the problems and him). I cannot tell you where our relationship is going to be another year from now, but I can tell you that I have no plans to be with anyone else.

Your advice is great. So far, you have given some similar advice that my therapist and his best friend has given me.

I also want to add that we've actually been together longer than a year, but we actually became exclusive nearly a year ago.

Posted by Layna
Well, I'm shit at opening up to anyone and when I do, I mess it all up and can't say all I want to say. That, or it comes out so strong the other person gets defensive. Not good when my boyfriend's the really sensitive type (Cancer Moon). Found that emailing does wonders, though. I have time to think out what I want to say (generally make lists beforehand), put everything I want to in, triple check it over, then, send.

In the last email I sent, I made sure to add in before I approached the main topic that I appreciate everything about him, that he doesn't have to worry, nothing's being blamed on him, this is me trying to communicate because I plain suck at it, lol. That set the tone, got him to be more receptive to what I had to say afterwards, I think. Saves on all the trouble of me stuttering and racking up. Also, it also gave him time to read things over again if he wants to, get some time to think of a logical (less of the instant, emotional) answer... etc. Just the last email I sent him alone (plus his reply) stripped a wall between us away.

Good luck, Candeh. 🙂

I actually send him letters/texts/emails all the time. Like you (must be a virgo thing!), I'm a lot better communicating when it comes to writing things out. I have time to mull over my emotions, thoughts, how I want to present myself, ect. But I really want to get better with actually communicating verbally, and to be honest, he needs to work on it as well. He wants to help me, but he doesn't know how, so he tends to freeze up as well (although he encourages me to just talk to him). We communicate well on everything else, but unfortunately the most sensitive things pose a problem with us. And I never want those things to be bigger issues for us in the future.

Just today, I did something pretty big for myself. Because of my anxiety, I always misconstrue his disappearing moments/withdrawing moods as something negative. I personalize it and think that I am the problem. Today, I went up to him and I apologized wholeheartedly. I told him it wasn't fair for me to become accusatory and needy, to make this situation negative when he tells me it's not my fault, ect. He was very surprised by the apology. I did tell him that I did need him too, and I was going to work on letting him know when I needed his help. So, I think counseling will really help with that, because I have a hard time comm

because I have a hard time communicating what I'm feeling/thinking (I become very scared, freeze up, and censor my thoughts). So the counseling would help him help me if he understands what's going on.

Thanks so much for the well wishes, doll!

Baggage is suppose to be dealt with so that it is NOT carried forward, to be inflicted upon the other person. What you are wanting to do is find a way to continue not only carrying each others issues, also build them up, to support your personal demons.


You are wanting to do the exact thing you are NOT suppose to do.


The goal of therapy is to RECOVER AWAY FROM your issues ..... NOT find a person to help you carry it like a badge.

Also ....... you have no clue how this would effect him.

You have in your mind what YOU want to do .... while his reality could actually be that if you visited this with him then it could have an adverse effect on him, and make him worse.

You cannot determine how or when he should deal with his issues, Candeh. How he deals with his shit, is up to him. You never know, he could see a side of you that he doesn't like if you attempt to create a situation in which he has to be forthcoming to you about what is in his head before he is ready to approach it.

What is in his head, his shit, is his business. He could recoil in not a good way if you attempt to pull out of his head information he considers his own personal business.

Blessings from other people is ridiculous .... he is the only person who is him.


What you should do is heal yourself away from your personal demons, and NOT inflict another person with supporting this for you .. because that's enabling for you to continue stagnating your recovery.

there is a woman who has sent me some nasty vibs can you counsel us?

Posted by Sutekh
P-angel you're hard to figure out because sometimes you're so on point (like now) and other times its like you did a gumbo of hardcore drugs.

lmao bath salts

no offense, but couples counseling sounds like such a hack job to me. and people/couples seem to be getting more and more of it and like u said, theyre not even married or engaged. for those who arent married and even engaged, id just break up...more fish in the sea. you start with one session and then you find new problems and $ $ out your pocket.

if my boyfriend (of a year) told me that he wanted to go to counseling(for some shit that i didnt even do) id look at him real funny and check under his skirt.

are u sure that your not just trying to create problems in your relationship? sometimes us lunar scorp go looking for anyway to keep the intensity up in a relationship. ive learned that i cant work out my personal issues through my relationships.


imo, 21 is too young to be n couples counseling. not to discount your relationship, but realistically is this the man you plan to marry and be with the rest of his life? i guarantee you, you will have many other relationships.

Posted by P-Angel


Blessings from other people is ridiculous .... he is the only person who is him.


.

true

do you know how many men i ran through in my 20s—— wait dont answer lol

but seriously 21 and counseling is a bad look. what 20 year old DOESNT have anxiety about life?

The thing with therapists is that if you get better and become emotionally/mentally healthy again ... they are unemployed.


So, naturally, they are going to encourage you to stay sick and tell you that you need a crutch, that you need a support system, that you need as many people as possible in on your sickness .... because they (literally) cannot afford for you to get well.



And it looks like the counselor has accomplished his/her goal .... you are indeed wanting to gather more people in to embrace that you have a issue.



Candeh ..... anxiety is cureable. But, first you have to decide that you want it to be.

omit the 'e' in the word above "cureable", to read - curable

Posted by P-Angel
The thing with therapists is that if you get better and become emotionally/mentally healthy again ... they are unemployed.


So, naturally, they are going to encourage you to stay sick and tell you that you need a crutch, that you need a support system, that you need as many people as possible in on your sickness .... because they (literally) cannot afford for you to get well.



And it looks like the counselor has accomplished his/her goal .... you are indeed wanting to gather more people in to embrace that you have a issue.



Candeh ..... anxiety is cureable. But, first you have to decide that you want it to be.

exactly! theyre like mechanics at the quick lube. they guarantee to find problems with your car..upsell ya.

all your going to do is find new problems with the therapist.

Fuck the nay-sayers, Candeh. My bf and I had the same problem and sought help. We just wanted to learn the tools of effective commumication and it worked even if it just psyched us out. Whatever, no harm, no foul. Honestly, I don't think we heeded much advice, but it brought us closer. After every session we were more compassionate and understanding of each other's problems. It brought us closer even if we did find our own way as a unit.

So... even if you don't marry this guy, and you're only in your early 20's, I think this is a mature and pro-active step toward discovering how to sustain any relationship. We are all only human and don't know everything.

Also, I know you're a smart cookie, but take with a grain of salt whose comments and advice you take on here and anywhere. Everyone here is especially fucked in the head and could use therapy.

Analytical Therapist = Analrapist 😛

Posted by ninjamu
Fuck the nay-sayers, Candeh. My bf and I had the same problem and sought help. We just wanted to learn the tools of effective commumication and it worked even if it just psyched us out. Whatever, no harm, no foul. Honestly, I don't think we heeded much advice, but it brought us closer. After every session we were more compassionate and understanding of each other's problems. It brought us closer even if we did find our own way as a unit.

So... even if you don't marry this guy, and you're only in your early 20's, I think this is a mature and pro-active step toward discovering how to sustain any relationship. We are all only human and don't know everything.

Also, I know you're a smart cookie, but take with a grain of salt whose comments and advice you take on here and anywhere. Everyone here is especially fucked in the head and could use therapy.

present company included right?

if u need help in making choices, go masturbate and then make a decision.

Posted by DMV

Posted by ninjamu
Fuck the nay-sayers, Candeh. My bf and I had the same problem and sought help. We just wanted to learn the tools of effective commumication and it worked even if it just psyched us out. Whatever, no harm, no foul. Honestly, I don't think we heeded much advice, but it brought us closer. After every session we were more compassionate and understanding of each other's problems. It brought us closer even if we did find our own way as a unit.

So... even if you don't marry this guy, and you're only in your early 20's, I think this is a mature and pro-active step toward discovering how to sustain any relationship. We are all only human and don't know everything.

Also, I know you're a smart cookie, but take with a grain of salt whose comments and advice you take on here and anywhere. Everyone here is especially fucked in the head and could use therapy.

present company included right?

click to expand

Of course.

All couple's counseling aside, I want to be honest and say that I do take a little offense to the comments about therapy. I'm a psychology major/graduate so I might be biased.

Without therapy, I would be completely worse off than I am now. It has helped ten times more than it has hurt me. There is a huge stigma behind it, and it's the reason why mental health is so overlooked these days anyway. It works for some and not for others, so it's completely up to the person.

I'm just in an incredibly sensitive place right now (with a lot of things going on outside of my relationship), and I almost feel like it was pointless for me to bring up this issue in the first place.

I did not think of the counseling as a reason to bring up our own individual problems; we have our therapy for that and our own self building. I considered it so as to help communicate them better. That's all.

I also take offense to those saying 21 is way too young. Not everyone twenty-one year old is the same (although I closer to be twenty-two than twenty-one). Bull-shit in relationships happen at any age. I'm just doing the proactive thing instead of packing up my bags and running like I would have. I'm more serious when it comes to my relationships, and I'm certainly serious about my boyfriend. I said I wasn't ready for marriage. I didn't say I wasn't ready to take certain steps to learn and make a relationship meaningful.

Posted by Candeh15
I also take offense to those saying 21 is way too young. Not everyone twenty-one year old is the same (although I closer to be twenty-two than twenty-one). Bull-shit in relationships happen at any age. I'm just doing the proactive thing instead of packing up my bags and running like I would have. I'm more serious when it comes to my relationships, and I'm certainly serious about my boyfriend. I said I wasn't ready for marriage. I didn't say I wasn't ready to take certain steps to learn and make a relationship meaningful.

whats your longest relationship?

Posted by Candeh15


My taurus and I have been together going on a year now (whoo!). We don't have many problems in our relationship, except for one thing: our own individual issues. We both have personal problems (my anxiety and his depression) which we have both sought therapy for.

tauri men are slow to react in general. my aries bff left her tauri ex because he couldnt communicate the way she wanted him to ...speaking up. i think theyre just incompatible.

if you both are a hotmess individually, why be a hot mess together in a relationship?

you know what. some of the best therapy i get is being near water. i guess im satisfying my north node in cancer. but the beach, living next to a lake, has totally changed my moods.

when i was in my 20s i would just travel, travel, travel. best way to find yourself.

Posted by IntriguedScorp
Every couple I have personally known who have been to couple's counseling have broken up. IMO, couple's counseling is there to make the break-up easier. I have yet to see it work to keep a couple together in real life. In fact, I have gotten to the point that when a friend says she and her s/o are going to couple's counseling--which by the way is ALWAYS initiated by the woman--I figure I'll be hearing about the break-up 6mos to a year later.

real talk.

Posted by Candeh15

I also take offense to those saying 21 is way too young. Not everyone twenty-one year old is the same (although I closer to be twenty-two than twenty-one). Bull-shit in relationships happen at any age. I'm just doing the proactive thing instead of packing up my bags and running like I would have.

You've missed the point entirely, Candeh ... or at least me point.


In the above quote of yours, you make the implication that your relationship is in trouble, and that you are in need of being proactive, instead of bailing on him.


when in reality, you claim to have an awesome relationship and this (shared counseling) you are talking about isn't an issue within the relationship at all. You want to make it an issue.

You are failing to see any side of except yours. You said yourself on page one that you like to talk to people when you are having this "issue", while he is a private person and would rather withdraw and be alone. You, yourself, have thrown around YOUR studies in psychology yourself, as if that is suppose to make you an expert on the topic.


And yet, you have failed to see, to recognize the very first fucking thing you SHOULD have learned = a person has to decide that they need help and that they want to be better.

You are proposing here that you've made the decision that he should talk to you about his personal demons .. based solely on the fact that YOU like to do that.


He doesn't. He withdraws and wants to be alone. That means you are zero consideration in what he wants, or needs .. and you are thinking solely about yourself, and what YOU want.


If you can't grasp psychology 101 .... then how the hell did you get your degree?

also sounds like you have been in and out of therapy for awhile. do you keep trying to resolve the same issues or do new ones keep popping up? (like some of us have said)

if new ones keep popping up, maybe being in a relationship is just too much for you to handle and you may be creating more drama than what is there. seems like a never ending cycle or crutch.

if these are old problems, then sounds like a case of insanity.

Posted by P-Angel



He doesn't. He withdraws and wants to be alone. That means you are zero consideration in what he wants, or needs .. and you are thinking solely about yourself, and what YOU want.


If you can't grasp psychology 101 .... then how the hell did you get your degree?

You'd be happy to know that only just the other day, I apologized to him about the very thing you mentioned. I explained to him why I personalized it, that it wasn't fair of me. I explained to him that we did handle life crises differently, and that the only issue I had was that he hardly lets me know when he needs to be alone; he just disappears, so sometimes I felt I had to walk around on eggshells to make sure I wasn't bothering him.

You know me. You already know how hyperaware I am of my actions and that I am quick to change them if they are hurtful.

I didn't say that the counseling was the final straw. I've been going back and forth about it for several months. He doesn't even suspect that I thought of this, and I probably won't even mention it due to others' comments.

Posted by DMV
also sounds like you have been in and out of therapy for awhile. do you keep trying to resolve the same issues or do new ones keep popping up? (like some of us have said)

if new ones keep popping up, maybe being in a relationship is just too much for you to handle and you may be creating more drama than what is there. seems like a never ending cycle or crutch.

if these are old problems, then sounds like a case of insanity.

Only twice. And each time they had to end prematurely because of time or because I had a job that I had to attend to. He and I both go to therapy (he goes now, I don't go anymore).

My biggest issue was having issues opening up, and so I have set goals for myself to work through the hardest parts of that. It doesn't matter whether I'm ready for a relationship now or twenty years from now. If I don't work on an issue, it's going to follow me for the rest of my life. He's not perfect either and has a lot of maturing to do in this place as well. I'm just trying to take the necessary steps to get myself better and I've made a fair amount of progress.

I wish I could be like you and just find help by going to the water, but the reason therapy has helped me out is because I have someone to help bounce my thoughts off on and help me rationalize them. Anxiety and depression has really given me problems with intrusive and negative thought patterns, and just dealing with them on my own wasn't working. This is an issue I've been dealing with since I was 9 years old. It's going to be something I deal with probably for the rest of my life.

This is more than I really wanted to talk about, especially here on DXP because mental health seems to get passed on a lot. I only hope that helped explain things a little better, but if not, then I'm sorry.

Posted by Candeh15

Posted by P-Angel



He doesn't. He withdraws and wants to be alone. That means you are zero consideration in what he wants, or needs .. and you are thinking solely about yourself, and what YOU want.


If you can't grasp psychology 101 .... then how the hell did you get your degree?

You'd be happy to know that only just the other day, I apologized to him about the very thing you mentioned. I explained to him why I personalized it, that it wasn't fair of me. I explained to him that we did handle life crises differently, and that the only issue I had was that he hardly lets me know when he needs to be alone; he just disappears, so sometimes I felt I had to walk around on eggshells to make sure I wasn't bothering him.

You know me. You already know how hyperaware I am of my actions and that I am quick to change them if they are hurtful.

I didn't say that the counseling was the final straw. I've been going back and forth about it for several months. He doesn't even suspect that I thought of this, and I probably won't even mention it due to others' comments.

click to expand

"walking on egg shells" wow, my ariess bff said the same thing about her tauri bf

i agree talking to a 3rd party does help at times.

That's kind of why I considered the counseling. I'm a communicator... he is not. I learn to respect his need to be alone. It's hard for me to communicate sometimes because I don't know when it's okay to do that with him. So, with my anxiety, I always misconstrued his need to be alone as something negative or that I was the problem. I eventually apologized as I realized my problem and told him I am working on it. However, because we are so radically different in that sense, I'm trying to find a balance.

Besides any of that, I love him immensely. I didn't mean to say there weren't problems, but these are nothing I would even consider leaving him for. It's a learning experience for me (and hopefully for him). I'm just a little more proactive than he is in trying to understand them.

it would be dope if the counselor used astrology

Posted by DMV
it would be dope if the counselor used astrology

Best of both worlds man, best of both worlds.

I'm a scorp moon and my babe is an aqua moon. THAT'S FUN.

Posted by Layna
I don't think you should be scared to say the wrong thing at the wrong time (walking on eggshells). The ideal relationship is one where both partners can be comfortable with each other without ANY uncertainty, 100% ... if you don't think you're at that 100% , I understand why you would want to be.

Relationships require compromise. Each individual has their own ways of doing things (e.g. here, you talking to another person when you're anxious, and, him to withdraw)... but, if one party is unhappy about the dynamic, he/she does have the right to voice it out, because that is what relationships are about: working together. It's not a duo where two people work alongside each other but separately... it's a duo where two people work WITH each other. Don't be scared of scaring or burdening him - to love is the willingness to give part of himself up and support. Anyone truly in love with their partner has that programmed in them.

I can see how avoiding the significant other or going to another person in times of low can create a bigger problem in the future. You might end up not being able to go back to each other if a really big situation rises.

If a third party helps rationalize things easier, then, by all means, consider going to one. Talk to him, find a compromise. You might not be able to verbally tell him your problems, but you can start with just having his presence around to calm you down. Same with him... he doesn't have to open up about his depression, but you can try asking him to not disappear. Just say that you just want to be there at give him hugs, and, in return, you won't pry until he is ready. Slowly, I am sure both of you will feel comfortable enough to drop little conversations in.

I wrote him a text/letter telling him what I needed from him and how I perceived everything. I told him how I'm just really receptive and how his mood changes were hard for me to comprehend, so I always changing with him. I told him he cannot fix my problems (because like a guy, he wants to fix everything), but I told him I needed him to empathize with me, give me a hug, some comfort, or an I love you. And I told him I wanted to do the same for him while respecting his space. I told him he seemed to always need space and that I just never knew when it was okay to cross those boundaries and be with him, thus, I could only rely on my assumptions because he didn't

tell me anything (and usually my assumptions are wrong). Basically, I just kept writing until it was all off my chest.

I don't know if I'll necessarily need a third party (ie counselor) right now. I still like the idea, but I think it's going to take time before I want to get there.

Posted by Layna

- he loves you.

Since you know his mind, tell Candeh how to resolve her issue.

I think it's funny how ignorant people are. If a person gives an opinion or judgement they don't want to hear then it's horrible .... yet, if it's something they do want to hear then it's awesome.

In reality ... it's both the same concept.

Such as we see here. Layna believes she's being awesome and supportive, when in reality .. she has no clue whether your boyfriend loves you, or not.

So, what Layna tells you is to close your eyes and take that leap of faith ... by telling you that he loves you, so how can you fail.


How ignorant.

Posted by Candeh15

I wrote him a text/letter telling him what I needed from him and how I perceived everything. I told him how I'm just really receptive and how his mood changes were hard for me to comprehend, so I always changing with him. I told him he cannot fix my problems (because like a guy, he wants to fix everything), but I told him I needed him to empathize with me, give me a hug, some comfort, or an I love you. And I told him I wanted to do the same for him while respecting his space. I told him he seemed to always need space and that I just never knew when it was okay to cross those boundaries and be with him, thus, I could only rely on my assumptions because he didn't

Epic failure right there ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^


For two people to be successful, they must rely on each other. Your letter to him is basically telling him that you don't need him to help sort out your issues (when that's a lie, according to the very existence of this thread, which is in place to ask how to go about getting him to be a part of your problem and talk to you), that instead you want him to agree that you don't need him by supporting and comforting this deception.

And then you wonder why he just disappears on you?

You do need him to address this issue WITH you .... hence: couples counseling


So why the hell would you tell him that you don't need him to help you, to fix you? Why the hell would you give him the suggestion that it's perfectly ok with you that he bails on you emotionally and that you will simply change yourself to fit this mold.

Are you mad?

How in the hell could you have gone through your studies and obtain a degree in your field and not comprehend that the way to reach a person is through validating their self value?



So, you tell him that you don't need him to help you and that you will just step aside with your concerns and let him walk past, unnoticed that they have a need to fix you in order for HIS well being?



Why don't you get that, Candeh?

Here's your solution, one in which you need to know so that you will become a brilliant counselor one day .....



You make him know that you need him to help you, in that you have issues you cannot work out on your own, and that you want HIM to assist in you getting better/well.

He then feels valuable, he feels wanted.


AND DON'T UTTER A SINGLE WORD OR INSINUATION THAT YOU EXPECT THE SAME TOKEN IN RETURN ... because then he will rightfully think you are only doing this to manipulate him into playing into your hands. Playing into your hands isn't the goal .. the goal is to get him to COMPRE-fucking-HEND that you trust him. Trust him. Trust him.


That you trust him to actually be your .... partner. partner. partner.

that you trust that he knows your heart, and knows how to fix you, help you .... he will then WANT to help you of his own accord, Candeh.

You cannot stand on the outside of the hearts of the two of you and think you can think your way into a bond.

To bond with a person, you have to validate this melding .. you have to allow the both of you to freely come to your side without fear of rejecting due to not trusting.

He pulls away from you because you're not letting him be there for you .... when you need him to .. according to what you indicated in your letter to him.

He doesn't believe that you trust him enough to fix you, as you put it.

So, how can you possibly expect him to open up to you and expose himself?


Seriously .... you stand on the outside looking in, and attempting to mold a pair of hearts into a bond by thinking it to happen.



To reach him, to reach any person ..... you MUST let him be of value to you. Not tell him to, not twist him into, not think it .... you must LET him, of his own method and terms because WANTS TO.

Only then ..... will know you trust him, and open up to you about his needs.





psycholoy101

I'll say one more thing and then leave this alone because I already know that you studied all of this, so you KNOW.


John B. Watson ... do you know who he is?


He is the father of behavioral psychology .... and his school of thought was that all behaviors are acquired through conditioning.

Posted by P-Angel
How in the hell could you have gone through your studies and obtain a degree in your field and not comprehend that the way to reach a person is through validating their self value?



So, you tell him that you don't need him to help you and that you will just step aside with your concerns and let him walk past, unnoticed that they have a need to fix you in order for HIS well being?



Why don't you get that, Candeh?

To be fair, just because I have studied psychology doesn't mean I know it all. I didn't focus on relationships; I focused on criminology and work behaviors. I am the first to admit that I can observe other issues besides my own; it's the irony of the situation. Hence why I go to therapy, hence why I seek other's advice. I get people... I don't get myself. I work on instinct and intuition when it comes to my own needs and wants. It it's right or wrong, I don't know. I wrote the letter not to get a reaction, but because I had months of self-doubts and words I wanted to say, and I just wrote it without really thinking. It did one thing though... it opened my heart more than it had been and lifted a weight, and I was able to go to him afterward without feeling the anxiety that I did. So whether I made a mistake in my wording, I still feel better for making that "mistake."

With that said, you could have told me all that without bringing down my education. I don't mix my education with my relationships. I can't use it on every aspect of my past. Still, your advice was incredibly helpful in that moment, and I thank you for that.

Posted by Candeh15

With that said, you could have told me all that without bringing down my education. I don't mix my education with my relationships. I can't use it on every aspect of my past.

Because it just boggles my mind that you could graduate with a psychology degree and not know that psychology is an applied field of study of the human mind and behavior, that seeks to understand how we feel, why we feel it, why we act the way we do, how we rationalize/think.

It's like a law graduate not knowing what the word, "plantiff" means ....


A persons psycological conditions (to include learning (education)) ... are applied on the unconscious level, Candeh ... a person cannot make a conscious decision to unlearn something that they've experienced. If you don't mix what you've learned through conditioning, psychologically speaking, then you didn't learn it.



You boggle my mind, Candeh .... how can any person be in a relationship and say that they don't apply thier ability they have from what they've learned in (any part of) thier life to help them to better understand thier partner?

That's equivalent to a person suffering from antergrade amnesia thier whole life, in which they don't know that they've had any life at all because they don't possess any declarative memory to realize they had any personal episodes in which to form anything conclusive except that very moment time.

You're a psychology major ... you cannot now say you can't use it in every aspect of your life, when you know by now through this very education that every part of every person's life is a series of applications directly stemming from the impact left as a blueprint on the psyche from their life experiences.



At any rate ..... it's not the first time a person in here has thrown my brain for a loop.

Keep up the good work .. it's rare that a person has the ability to do that 😉

Oh, I know psychology can be applied to every aspect of life, that's why I love it. I wasn't saying that it can't be applied to my relationship. I'm applying my knowledge in psychology to a different career that doesn't involve intimate relationships. I'm just saying I don't understand enough to draw out the certain understandings to help out my own relationship. Relationships are constantly evolving, and personally, something I have a hard time figuring out on my own. Psychology alone isn't going to help me understand the individual aspects. That's why I come here.

Honestly, look at it this way. If I knew it all, I wouldn't even need to come here or have you give me advice. And, I think I got what I needed, and I can leave this thread with a new perspective. So I thank you for that.

And you're dealing with the human race here. You shouldn't be surprised that your mind can be boggled. If that were the case, I imagine you'd be very bored 😛