Dating after Divorce

Are you divorced and dating again? Divorced and re-married? Dating someone who has been married before?

What are the pros and cons of dating after divorce? What do you like? What do you not like? If you or another person has baggage, how do you deal with it? Do you talk about your previous marriages? Are you looking to marry again or do you want to stay single and play the field? Any dating horror stories? And dating triumphs? What have the pitfalls for you been? What have your successes been like?

Lets discuss our experiences in dating after divorce.

I don't want to bring kids into the discussion. It's not a discussion about dating with kids, there have been too many threads on that topic.

Oh yeah, some more ideas for the discussion.

What are your fears?
What fears do you no longer have?
How have you grown since your marriage?
Do you regret being divorced?
Etc
Etc
Etc

So many topics we can discuss here.

I am actually only recently divorced. I "ran away from home" nearly 4 years ago, though. It took that long to finally break free.

Am I dating, hmmmm.... I actually ask myself that question fairly regularly. There is one person who I hang out with, and do fun things with, but she is actively resistant to "dating." You tell me what that means.
Part of this could be that she has had two previous marriages, and a LTR, none of which actually worked out. I do have to admit that her not real great track record gives me pause now and then.


We do talk about our previous marriage/marriages/relationships. We both find it rather interesting to hear what went wrong in the previous efforts. There is actually a fair amount of commonality. Basically, the other party/parties not bothering to give us the consideration that a person should take for granted. It is a topic that has run its course to a large extent, though.


The pros include that it is fun to meet new people. I don't have to answer to anyone, either. I wanted a flashy sports car, by golly, I got myself a flashy sports car. There is an interesting sense of Freedom associated with being alone.

The cons include that it can be very lonely out there. When not having that someone you really trusted, who you could really talk to, who really helped make your life better any more, life can be a very empty experience. Others are that adjusting to a new person takes a lot of work. People joke about "do you like the toilet paper over or under," but that joke does represent a real truth. Adjusting, adapting, trying to lay the ground rules is complex, and difficult, particularly after you have "trained" yourself to do things a certain way.
I mentioned a sense of "Freedom" in the pros section. This very sense of Freedom also carries a real sense of not being attached to anything or anyone. Without an anchor of some sort, life can be a very hollow experience.

I liked being married when it was good. I miss it a great deal, actually. I find myself telling myself that once again being married "is a very worthwhile goal!" Having said that, I don't see any reason to be out buying an engagement ring just yet. Maybe next week, though....

Posted by Livingfortoday
I think dating after divorce is an eye opening experience for me. I got married pretty young, so now dating again in my 30's, when I haven't "dated" since I was 18-19 is pretty different. I never regretted my divorce since I left an abusive marriage, but I do fear getting caught up in that situation again. I do think I've grown though and can recognize those red flags now. I actually loved being married, just didn't like who I was married to. I figured out dating is all about playing the game, and I don't seem to be very good at it. Lol. If someone asks, I will disclose certain details of my marriage, but won't just offer up details.

Offering up your innocent kids doesn't count eh? smh I'll continue this to the op's questions.

Posted by truecap
Are you divorced and dating again? Divorced and re-married? Dating someone who has been married before?

What are the pros and cons of dating after divorce? What do you like? What do you not like? If you or another person has baggage, how do you deal with it? Do you talk about your previous marriages? Are you looking to marry again or do you want to stay single and play the field? Any dating horror stories? And dating triumphs? What have the pitfalls for you been? What have your successes been like?

Lets discuss our experiences in dating after divorce.

I don't want to bring kids into the discussion. It's not a discussion about dating with kids, there have been too many threads on that topic.

I'm not a dater. It's one at a time. I won't date a man with young kids either. Did that twice and both times there were nut job exes involved.

Sorry Cap...but reality bites and I'm going to include this. The number one rule of divorcee's is YOU DON'T BRING YOUR CHILDREN INTO YOUR DATING!!! Until...you have established the relationship as a committed relationship and it has gone on for close to a year. No exceptions. People who don't abide by this are doing a lot of emotional and mental damage to the children. What's the reason/rush to introduce someone you are dating? Looking for a daddy? A mommy? Really? Then you shouldn't be dating. Keep it one on one with the other person and leave the kids OUT OF IT.

I waited to date and observed very closely what the dating scene consisted of. lol...not much. So I quickly accepted it was going to be finding a needle in the haystack, and someone special which was ok with me. Noone should date AT ALL until a divorce is final. If you are just looking to get laid...make sure that's all it is. There's no such thing as jumping from a marriage to fantasy you've built up in your head about the grass being greener. THERE IS NO GRASS..it's in your head. A divorce takes 3/4 of your life and energy to get through it and the last thing you want to do is drag another person through the trenches with you..it kills the relationship. Once it's final, it's time to get you and your life on track. That takes time too.

I'm kind of like you guys. When I first got out there, I realized dating was a totally different experience than it was in my 20s. The male/female roles have a different vibe than they did before. I'm pretty traditional, and although a lot of men in my generation are still traditional too, there are a lot of them that have given into the younger society in that they expect the woman to take the lead. I found rather quickly that men are more interested in FWB than I expected. Had to weed out a bunch of men because of that.

It was hard to figure out the new "rules" of dating, but I figured being my own person and just being myself was the best route to go. Such as if I wanted to be direct, I would be. Someone can either cut and run or appreciate it. I reckon if they cut and run, then they weren't for me anyway.

I think my life experience has taught me to read the red flags better than I could when I was younger. I think I've also learned to know myself better, such as knowing what I will and won't put up with.

I do agree with the sense of freedom. The ability to save or spend money the way I see fit without having to explain the rational. The ability to go where I want, when I want.

I do fear getting caught up in a controlling situation or with a partner that can't manage themselves out of a paper bag financially.

I did like being married and wouldn't be afraid to do it again.

Posted by LetltB

Posted by truecap
Are you divorced and dating again? Divorced and re-married? Dating someone who has been married before?

What are the pros and cons of dating after divorce? What do you like? What do you not like? If you or another person has baggage, how do you deal with it? Do you talk about your previous marriages? Are you looking to marry again or do you want to stay single and play the field? Any dating horror stories? And dating triumphs? What have the pitfalls for you been? What have your successes been like?

Lets discuss our experiences in dating after divorce.

I don't want to bring kids into the discussion. It's not a discussion about dating with kids, there have been too many threads on that topic.

I'm not a dater. It's one at a time. I won't date a man with young kids either. Did that twice and both times there were nut job exes involved.

Sorry Cap...but reality bites and I'm going to include this. The number one rule of divorcee's is YOU DON'T BRING YOUR CHILDREN INTO YOUR DATING!!! Until...you have established the relationship as a committed relationship and it has gone on for close to a year. No exceptions. People who don't abide by this are doing a lot of emotional and mental damage to the children. What's the reason/rush to introduce someone you are dating? Looking for a daddy? A mommy? Really? Then you shouldn't be dating. Keep it one on one with the other person and leave the kids OUT OF IT.

I waited to date and observed very closely what the dating scene consisted of. lol...not much. So I quickly accepted it was going to be finding a needle in the haystack, and someone special which was ok with me. Noone should date AT ALL until a divorce is final. If you are just looking to get laid...make sure that's all it is. There's no such thing as jumping from a marriage to fantasy you've built up in your head about the grass being greener. THERE IS NO GRASS..it's in your head. A divorce takes 3/4 of your life and energy to get through it and the last thing you want to do is drag another person through the trenches with you..it kills the relationship. Once it's final, it's time to get you and your life on track. That takes time too.

click to expand

You're not one to follow the requests of others are you? 😉

Just playing with you, LIB. Couldn't resist. lol!

No problem. The reality is cap, the majority of those in the dating world today are divorced with kids.

Regarding your second thread:

"What are your fears?
What fears do you no longer have?
How have you grown since your marriage?
Do you regret being divorced?"

The only fear I had was for my son and step son and the physical separation. I quickly learned that yea there's bumps along the way, but boy are kids resilient. If parental support and love is over 100% the resiliency comes quicker. Anything short of that, well, the bumps get bigger.
Other than that, I have always been independent (since the age of 18) and knew I would have no problem on my own again. So no fears..

Regarding growth, I believe strength is at an all time high. I've learned not to sweat the small shit, deal with those and wipe them out before they become bigger things. The bigger things happen for a reason and to never allow anything or anyone block my path, put all effort into resolving issues and let the pieces fall where they may.

I don't regret the divorce at all. Most women and some men will hang on to the bitter end, and still hang on. That's a shame. I did not want to teach my son or step son that "settling" was ok. Staying unhappy in a marriage is also a bad lesson. My ex and I are very close, and still the best of friends. I truly believe that if people marry FIRST without taking care of themselves independently prior to marriage will have a harder time leaving a bad situation and become totally dependent on the other no matter how bad things are. Not good at all.

I think it's amazing what we can learn to do for ourselves. One lesson for me was to learn to trust myself and make decisions that affect the rest of my life without having any one else's influence.

I also learned to speak up and nip things in the bud. During my marriage, I think I would just let things ride and didn't speak up about things that bothered me because I didn't want to rock the boat and hoped things would get better. But, what happened instead was that resentment built up. So, I've learned to speak up before I got angry and to my surprise, I'm finding out people like me better for it, respect me more.

I'm in awe at all the self reflection everyone has had and grateful for you guys volunteering your experiences.

As bad as divorce is, I think we all come out healthier and better off for it.

I see people that carry baggage and grow bitter against the opposite sex. They stay in that bad place for ever. Wish more people could see the light at the end of the tunnel and see what fabulous opportunities could lie ahead.

Like I said, I wouldn't mind being married again, but the next go round will absolutely be different. I want to take my time and really get to know someone and make sure I'm aware of the good and bad qualities so there won't be any surprises down the road. Of course, there are always things that come up, but I know people getting married six months after meeting and then wind up miserable because they didn't know this or that about the person.

And if I don't get married again, I'll be okay with that too.

Posted by Livingfortoday
I think dating after divorce is an eye opening experience for me. I got married pretty young, so now dating again in my 30's, when I haven't "dated" since I was 18-19 is pretty different. I never regretted my divorce since I left an abusive marriage, but I do fear getting caught up in that situation again. I do think I've grown though and can recognize those red flags now. I actually loved being married, just didn't like who I was married to. I figured out dating is all about playing the game, and I don't seem to be very good at it. Lol. If someone asks, I will disclose certain details of my marriage, but won't just offer up details.

I'm a lot like you, too. However, I think to some extent sharing and discussing the previous marriage is healthy for couples. It shows how much they have reflected and grown from the experience, what they have learned about themselves from it and what their deal breakers and boundaries are in a relationship. Now talking bitter, angry talk about the ex is not good, that shows a lot too of how they have developed after the fact.

I also think it helps build intimacy in sharing with a new partner (not new as in the just started dating sense. I mean after the relationship is established).

Not sure what details you would choose to leave out. I've even told things to my guy that make me look bad. It's only fair. He has done the same. We feel that we've gotten to know each other better by sharing the negatives on ourselves as well.

Posted by Livingfortoday

Posted by truecap

Posted by Livingfortoday
I think dating after divorce is an eye opening experience for me. I got married pretty young, so now dating again in my 30's, when I haven't "dated" since I was 18-19 is pretty different. I never regretted my divorce since I left an abusive marriage, but I do fear getting caught up in that situation again. I do think I've grown though and can recognize those red flags now. I actually loved being married, just didn't like who I was married to. I figured out dating is all about playing the game, and I don't seem to be very good at it. Lol. If someone asks, I will disclose certain details of my marriage, but won't just offer up details.

Not sure what details you would choose to leave out. I've even told things to my guy that make me look bad. It's only fair. He has done the same. We feel that we've gotten to know each other better by sharing the negatives on ourselves as well.

I think the issue is within me more than anything. I'm embarrassed to admit that I allowed myself to be in an abusive relationship for 10 years. It's painful to relive the details, and once you tell people they seem to have a lot of opinions/assumptions as to what occurred as if they were involved themselves. Now with my ex-boyfriend, I did indulge all the details of my marriage which included the bad on both of our parts, so I will do it when the time is right. I blame it on my being an aquarius to not open up easily until I really feel comfortable with someone.

click to expand

Totally understandable. Wait til the time is right, shouldn't be any rush.

Posted by dofacc
I am actually only recently divorced. I "ran away from home" nearly 4 years ago, though. It took that long to finally break free.

Am I dating, hmmmm.... I actually ask myself that question fairly regularly. There is one person who I hang out with, and do fun things with, but she is actively resistant to "dating." You tell me what that means.
Part of this could be that she has had two previous marriages, and a LTR, none of which actually worked out. I do have to admit that her not real great track record gives me pause now and then.


We do talk about our previous marriage/marriages/relationships. We both find it rather interesting to hear what went wrong in the previous efforts. There is actually a fair amount of commonality. Basically, the other party/parties not bothering to give us the consideration that a person should take for granted. It is a topic that has run its course to a large extent, though.


The pros include that it is fun to meet new people. I don't have to answer to anyone, either. I wanted a flashy sports car, by golly, I got myself a flashy sports car. There is an interesting sense of Freedom associated with being alone.

The cons include that it can be very lonely out there. When not having that someone you really trusted, who you could really talk to, who really helped make your life better any more, life can be a very empty experience. Others are that adjusting to a new person takes a lot of work. People joke about "do you like the toilet paper over or under," but that joke does represent a real truth. Adjusting, adapting, trying to lay the ground rules is complex, and difficult, particularly after you have "trained" yourself to do things a certain way.
I mentioned a sense of "Freedom" in the pros section. This very sense of Freedom also carries a real sense of not being attached to anything or anyone. Without an anchor of some sort, life can be a very hollow experience.

I liked being married when it was good. I miss it a great deal, actually. I find myself telling myself that once again being married "is a very worthwhile goal!" Having said that, I don't see any reason to be out buying an engagement ring just yet. Maybe next week, though....

Maybe she's resistent to the label and wants to build an organic relationship through natural courses? Aries tend to move a little fast and per

perhaps she's afraid. She may be wanting to take things slower and do things different than she did the last times so that there is a more lasting imprint?

My last relationship was with a guy that had previously been married.

I wouldn't necessarily rule out dating someone else that has gone through a separation-divorce, but I would be extremely wary.

I understand how talking about one's past experiences/relationships can be a bonding moment, but there's a fine line between [impersonal, matter-of-fact] sharing and emotionally fraught relationship counselling. And I am in no way qualified to be anyone's therapist - and nor would I want to be. Especially my lover's.

I think this is an awesome thread. I am in project mode today though so will just enjoy the read while I have a little break. 🙂

Posted by truecap
perhaps she's afraid. She may be wanting to take things slower and do things different than she did the last times so that there is a more lasting imprint?

I think this is exactly right. She really hasn't had good luck with men. I don't think I can exactly pinpoint why. Of course, she has grown over time, so whatever she imparted into these failed relationships may have mellowed.

I will say she is WAY independent. I really don't have a problem with that. In another thread about how Aries piss people off, a libra opined that perhaps I come across as "arrogant." I argued that of course I am not arrogant. Really how dare he make that assumption. Don't tell him though, I do have a great deal of self-confidence! It is my self-confidence that makes her independence an issue that I can deal with, at least for now.

And at her insistence, we are going very slowly. I have been chatting at her for over 2 years now. In that time we have hugged, and then quite chastely, exactly twice. And I am a inpatient Aries, as someone pointed out. But, at this point in time, I feel that the effort and patience will be well worth it if things actually do work out. If they don't, well, you know, I am having a very nice time just having someone like her to hang out with.

So, one of the lessons I learned is that if you are really interested in a real LTR, spending the time and effort to really know and understand the other party is pretty basic. It isn't just about getting laid, it is about sharing life together, and that takes time to work out.

Dang, only "very" was supposed to be underlined up there, oh well....

As a side bar, she is also Aries, but with a cap moon. I have a virgo moon.

Cap and virgo moons get along very, very well. They seem to just know what the other needs and wants. It's kind of intuitive.

You have the right idea and are on the right track, I think.

🙂