Dating multiple people / Exclusivity

How do you manage a situation when you are dating someone who is also dating other people or is not quick to go exclusive? I typically only date one person at a time and immerse myself in them. I'm not debating that either way of dating is the best way, more asking when you are a "date one person" kinda person and you're dating a "slower to move to exclusivity" person how do you behave? How do you manage your feelings? How do you work towards building something, but not letting your feelings get out of control? Basically, I'm asking you to teach me how to date, lol!

Well... I generally like to date only one person as well, but right now I'm going after a guy who hasn't made it clear if he wants to be exclusive or not. So I'm just accepting any offers from guys who wanna go on dates for now and theres nothing wrong with that. You're not in a relationship and you're certainly not married so you might as well date whoever. but keep it light until you decide which guy you'd like to be in a relationship. I'm kinda funny about the making it official thing tho. If you don't tell me "we are dating" I will continue to date and do things with other guys. But that's why it's a good idea to talk to your guy and ask him if you are exclusive or not for sure because I was dating a guy once and did stuff with a guy while I was dating him and later he told me we'd been dating at that point...oops o.o So have a talk. Heck, have a talk just to see when you will get to that point and if you will or not because if you want to be exclusive and he doesn't at some point I'd get outta it.

I'm also pretty keen on only dating one person, but I've been in situations where the guy has pursued a couple of people early on in the dating; I've also had situations where I wanted to sort of test the waters with another guy while trying to pursue another. I agree with everyone else that I'm a little iffy on the officialness of a relationship: if we haven't said "we are dating, we are exclusive, we are together, ect" then I'm going to take it as that we aren't exclusive. I can be pretty oblivious with statuses, so unless the person is clear, I'm going to make my own judgement. I also agree that it's important to openly talk about your status with someone you want to date; I made that mistake with a guy when we were together; he was out doing stuff with other girls and I sat thinking we were together, but we never really talked about it to begin with; so I got very upset with him and felt betrayed when really I had no reason to be. Open communication is key to figuring stuff out in a relationship. But, in light of the topic, dating multiple is probably easier for some people; I personally find it a little taxing because half the time I wish I could combine two guys into one so that I wouldn't like both lol. I'm a little in that situation right now, but I find myself leaning more towards one guy, although it makes me a little sad knowing that I have to turn the other guy down because we're both pretty cool with each other and close, but I just know in terms of a relationship, I'd rather be with the other guy.

Must be a american thing

I'm not really competitive. :/ I probably wouldn't date someone who was dating other people and I felt like I had to compete for his attention.

That's one of the main differences between men & women if you think about it.
For the most part (although I'm sure there are exceptions) women don't want to compete for a man's attention. It's just not worth it to most of us. If we start seeing a man and find out he is also dating other women...we're probably going to be discouraged by that and go elsewhere.

If a man, on the other hand, is pursuing a woman and finds out she is seeing other men as well...that will only make him pursue her harder. Men are competitive.



Maybe men are waiting for us to get competitive. Know what we want, and go for it.

I hate to say this but the pubs I hang out in for the most part everybody has purtty much fucked everybody. males and females. If I hook up its purtty much assumed its a one night stand.

we are a bunch of inbreads
thats why me mum hooked up with an american I guess
the only long term relationship I have had in the last 5 years is a english woman.

your sister?

try to pay attention I am wealsh and american my sister is welsh
unlike you people who in the south of the U.S. who fuck your brothers and fathers we only go for first cousins.

Posted by james tate
try to pay attention I am wealsh and american my sister is welsh
unlike you people who in the south of the U.S. who fuck your brothers and fathers we only go for first cousins.

Lol is Florida the south now?

GOD finally.

Posted by ellessque
that only happens in west virginia.

*nods* and some parts of North Carolina and Kentucky

I wouldn't really put it past Mississippi

Posted by ellessque
....or alabama 😛

TRUE

Alabama is WEIRD

totally fucked up story. (probably told it here once before, but oh well.)

When I was little, my dad took me hunting with him in Alabama where our family had some hunting property I guess....he always wanted a boy. :/

We were driving back to the cabin one night after eating at some very backwoods place where I'm almost positive they keep it all in the family. The waitresses dad was the owner, and probably her baby daddy. It was a weird ass place.
Anyways, on the way back we hit some bird that flew in front of the truck.

When we got out it was still stuck to the grill.... :X
....and it was an owl.... and one of it's eyes had popped out a little

& I laughed (I know, I'm a sick bitch) and was like DAD even the birds eyes look like that here!!

(...cause people in Alabama got a lot of lazy eyes and shit.)


I know. I'm going to hell.
But this was like seriously one of my Dad's proudest moments. (He's an Aqua and has always appreciated my bizarre little observations/outbursts.)

Sorry if you have a lazy eye or you're from any of the above mentioned places, or if your dad is really your baby daddy. None of that is really a laughing matter. Please forgive me.

they're all about the one-night stands?

2 girls 1 cup?

Posted by ellessque
so why is dating an "american" thing?

what do they do in England? draw straws?

I snorted lol

well. i don't really date. never have. i'll use the term "dating" when talking to others but it's like a blanket statement to let people know that i'm seeing someone.

i did have one FWB and that was as close as i got. i was ok with him seeing other people in the beginning but it was through him that i re-discovered my preferences and style (i hadn't "dated" or anything for a good 1.5 years before i got with him so i was open to trying new things). i found out after a good 9 months that i am definitely a one-person-at-a-time type. of course he hadn't changed and i didn't expect him to. so how did i deal? i didn't. he wanted one thing and i wanted another. there was no compromising around that one. we stopped our FWB relationship and became platonic friends. it was all my idea (he wanted to continue) and i'm glad i stuck to my guns. i ended up with one of my best friends and we're so good together!

I just finnished a great american novel
My mother
My father
My uncle
My aunt
I am my own cousin

I have found that within the first 2-3 months(depending how often you see each other) the guy has already decided if he wants to be exclusive or not. I am the type of woman who can only date one guy at a time. I may have a new guy who wants to take me to dinner or movies, but nothing serious. I cannot be in a FWB type of relationship because of my mars in cancer. Technology makes it so easy for people to hook up, or be in a LDR without ever really knowing the person. Don't you need to see a woman smile, hear her laugh, hold her hand , see how she carries herself ? If the man is not around , I then end it. I need that consistency..

Posted by james tate
I just finnished a great american novel
My mother
My father
My uncle
My aunt
I am my own cousin

Lol Tate

Posted by ellessque
Personally, I would consider "dating" as spending time on the phone, going out to dinner, movies, hanging out watching a movie...nothing exclusive. I would "date" more than one person. *gasp* (did I say that). This whole thing is completely new and foreign to me. It used to be you do those things with one person and it either evolves or it doesn't.

....now you add sex, fwb, fuck buddys, pseudo relationships and you have a big fucked up mess

it doesn't seem like the whole courting thing is black and white anymore.

"dating" more than one person feels weird to me. I haven't gotten to that point....but I'm fairly close.

so, time will tell.

whatever happened to arranged marriages?......................j/k 😛

Yeah I'm with ya here. I read the question and my gut reaction is one at a time... but what does that mean? By the definition you give of dating... no one people think I'm a flirt. I'll go out with anyone. I have a few friends that I go on lunch or dinner "dates" with but we aren't dating. I actually have some movie passes... anyone in San Antonio wanna catch a movie 😛

You're right, time will tell. I haven't had to worry about this crap since I was in high school.

I usually only date one guy at a time, but these last couple of months I have dated 2 guys at the same time and I must say it's fun and kind of empowering. Guys LOVE competition and casually dating 2 guys at one time can definitely contribute to his view of you as a challenge. I'm always honest with each guy and if they ask if I'm dating anyone else I will tell them without hesitation. Now, I do not become physical (anything beyond kissing) with either guy because then I would feel like a hoe, so if I get that desire to become more physical with one over the other then I will end it with the one and continue with the other OR if I feel a stronger connection with one over the other then I will continue with the one. Doing this allows me to get to know 2 guys at the same time and really get to know them without letting intimacy get in the way too early...that intimacy stuff can really cloud your judgment. Also, I'm a strong believer in not putting all your eggs in one basket...if a guy wants me to put all my eggs in his basket then he can ask to be exclusive with me.

Posted by ellessque
Personally, I would consider "dating" as spending time on the phone, going out to dinner, movies, hanging out watching a movie...nothing exclusive. I would "date" more than one person. *gasp* (did I say that). This whole thing is completely new and foreign to me. It used to be you do those things with one person and it either evolves or it doesn't.

....now you add sex, fwb, fuck buddys, pseudo relationships and you have a big fucked up mess

it doesn't seem like the whole courting thing is black and white anymore.

"dating" more than one person feels weird to me. I haven't gotten to that point....but I'm fairly close.

so, time will tell.

whatever happened to arranged marriages?......................j/k 😛

When you put "dating" as that, then it's definitely more understandable. I too don't considering dating doing the whole relationship stuff because at that point, I WANT to be "your girlfriend." And when you considering dating really light, then yes, I have done it to more than one person because I'm picking out who I want to be with. When I start to get past the dating stage with one person, then by that point, I've already eliminated everyone else. I do feel weird doing it with more than one person because I really just like to focus my attention one person; but when one guy with great potential comes up opposed to the other guy, I feel like I want to give this guy a chance in case things turn out better. I mean, I'm not exclusive yet nor have I really established anything with the other guy, so why not give the guy a chance? It's iffy, but.. who knows. It is tiring though; sometimes I'd just rather be single than "date." It just gets messy at times. It's situation like these where I want to turn off all animal instincts and just be a loner or something lol.

People don't trust their own judgement. Even when they find 1 person they feel is worthy of getting to know, they don't trust their judgement enough to try settling down & getting to know that person so they'll go get a plan B or C b/c they don't trust themselves.

It's all about greed. People want options. They don't realize that if they learn how to pick the RIGHT ones from the get go & if they know what to look for, they wouldn't be so paranoid enough to feel they need options "just in case."

If a person is truly ready for committment, they might as well go ahead & get in the groove/habit of only dating/being with 1 person & just HOPING that things will last. After all, that's the kind of mindset you'd have to have if you ever want to end up with someone for a long time anyways, so I don't understand what the problem is.

It's hard enough as it is to juggle and/or keep around ONE person, let alone multiple people. If you're dating multiple people, there's NO way you can ensure that you're showing your best side to all parties involved. Dating someone is like getting the "preview" to what things will be like persay a relationship happens. Well, the WORST/LAST message you want to send to someone is that you can't seem to handle just concentrating on 1 person. Plus, having to cut off all those Plan B's & C's persay you actually & finally do get in a relationship with someone is annoying & takes up alot of time.

If you're dating someone who can date multiple people at the same time but yet you only date 1 person at a time, give things a little time. Make sure that BEFORE things get serious, that the person is ok with AND willing to start solely concentrating on you. Getting serious with someone who won't let all their groupies go until the very last moment/second is not anything to look forward to.

As long as both people cut off all Plan B's & C's BEFORE things start getting serious, that's all that matters.

But if someone is trying to still hang on to their Plan B 2 days before they commit to you, that's a sign of trouble. That's a sign that someone doesn't trust their own judgement in what it means to know that they picked the right one, thus to only concentrate on that one. They are either greedy, selfish or really don't have any plans on settling down.

Someone who is truly ready for commitment (settling down with ONE person) won't have a tough time getting in the groove/mindset of only concentrating on and/or dating 1 person. They may have started out having multiple dating partners, BUT by the time things have gotten serious, all other attachments should've been cut off.

There's nothing WORSE than getting into a new relationship with someone only to have to take a seat, step back & wait on them to cut off people they should've cut off months ago. It takes time away from the 1 person you committed to--the 1 person who actually EARNED your time/energy. There's nothing more insulting than knowing that you put your best foot forward & proved to someone that you're worth their time, only to have them make you wait to cut off others. That should be done wayyyyyy before the commitment is actually official.

Posted by GemsRaGalsBestPal
How do you manage a situation when you are dating someone who is also dating other people or is not quick to go exclusive? I typically only date one person at a time and immerse myself in them. I'm not debating that either way of dating is the best way, more asking when you are a "date one person" kinda person and you're dating a "slower to move to exclusivity" person how do you behave? How do you manage your feelings? How do you work towards building something, but not letting your feelings get out of control? Basically, I'm asking you to teach me how to date, lol!

Start by not immersing yourself in that person, but by not dating anyone else while he is dating whom he pleases, that's kinda hard to do.

I see nothing wrong with dating more than one person. Keep your options open and don't become too available, both physically and emotionally.

Posted by brianafay
2 girls 1 cup?

Who knew Hello Kitty was so worldy?

OMFG! Brit, this took the cake in this thread.

All great input peoples! I really appreciate it!

You know what else I've been pondering / noticing?

It seems like we (and I mean many peeps on this board INCLUDING myself) seem to forget to set ground rules for themselves BEFORE meeting the person they want to date / marry / fwb / whatever. It's like we all know how to behave, but then end up here asking for advice on how to backtrack. It seems far too often that we meet this one perfect-ish person (perfect in the beginning) and let all those ground rules (if we had them already) fly out the window. Then we're here searching and learning everything about their signs, their moons, their choice in shoes to decide how to fix it.

Does anyone else see this trend?

Posted by GemsRaGalsBestPal
All great input peoples! I really appreciate it!

You know what else I've been pondering / noticing?

It seems like we (and I mean many peeps on this board INCLUDING myself) seem to forget to set ground rules for themselves BEFORE meeting the person they want to date / marry / fwb / whatever. It's like we all know how to behave, but then end up here asking for advice on how to backtrack. It seems far too often that we meet this one perfect-ish person (perfect in the beginning) and let all those ground rules (if we had them already) fly out the window. Then we're here searching and learning everything about their signs, their moons, their choice in shoes to decide how to fix it.

Does anyone else see this trend?

Yeah, this happens to me too. I forget that the person probably doesn't know shit, so I just "try to go with the flow." That's always a stupid idea haha.

Elle - You make my heart smile. Promise never to leave the boards!

It's highly doubtful I could date more than one person. Lock and load lil' lizard.