Dating over 35...WTF? Can we help each other?

This topic was created in the Relationships forum by MiaSangria on Friday, July 29, 2011 and has 38 replies.
thought maybe we could start a thread for those of us who are more 'mature' and finding our way 'round the dating scene.
Got a question? Some helpful input? I know I'm confused out there!!! Maybe we can help each other out.... Post questions, gripes or observations here...
Personally, I thought it would be easier to be in the 'older' dating scene but now I'm wondering if the good pickings get slimmer b/c all that's left are the commitment phobes, the cheaters, the players, the losers, the cynics, the sluts....
Did all the good ones make commitments earlier in life and stick to them?
Do the rules of dating change as we get older?
Hoping this will be a fun and insightful topic!
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Touche'! IDs not required for input...just thought it'd be interesting as I got the idea from another thread topic.
Personally, I'm "new" out there and I've found 'older' men to be way more enthusiastic and anxious to pursue and I've read that younger guys can tend to be more aloof when it comes to repeat dates and the 'chase'. Last coupla guys I saw were overly anxious about "when can I see you again? tomorrow? in a few days?" and while its nice its a little off-putting at the same time. Is it still about trying to get laid? Is it less about that? (was wondering if its any different as you get older)
Thought might make for good conversation.....
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Posted by Chance11
everyone's on a different timetable/learning curve and unfortunately age doesn't necessarily give one an advantage when confronting the situations/people that they are attracting.


I have to agree. I don't believe that age gives you an advantage or disadvantage in the dating scene. IMO, we all walk into the dating scene like cows going to the slaughter. Tongue
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OK, I get it.....Dont know if I can change the topic title but let's hear some INPUT people! smile
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So, here's an example of what I'm talking about:
When I was younger, I'd have sex and then develop a relationship (was lucky that it usually worked out for me that way)
NOW THAT I'M OLDER, I want to develop a relationship (to some extent) BEFORE I have sex.
Am I backwards???
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Posted by MiaSangria
So, here's an example of what I'm talking about:
When I was younger, I'd have sex and then develop a relationship (was lucky that it usually worked out for me that way)
NOW THAT I'M OLDER, I want to develop a relationship (to some extent) BEFORE I have sex.
Am I backwards???


I don't think that is so weird and backwards. Standards or ideals change as you age or as you experience more in life. I mean, I wouldn't necessarily say that is how all of my relationships turn out now. I mean, most of my relationships, I waited to have sex, although it's not that the relationship started immediately anyway. My current relationship started with sex, although I suppose it eventually led up to the sex because we were growing closer and closer until tensions and emotions just kind of boiled over; and then a relationship type thing just happened. Having sex first doesn't always mean things are just going to fizzle; nor does it mean your standards were lowered or that you're too easy. I'm sure you know all this, but I used to be stricken with the thought that having sex before a relationship has developed was just an easy way for a guy to write me off and move on. But at the end of the day, I learned that sex wasn't an end all/be all.
I mean, not all relationships start the same unless you find yourself in some kind of pattern (whether good or bad). I usually have found, for me at least, that the best thing was to sort of let the relationship develop on its own and not to force anything unless you have some reservations on how things are going. If you want to get to know the guy first, that's perfectly okay. However, if you feel the itch to have sex, don't necessarily hold yourself back unless the guy isn't ready yet. Also, don't beat yourself up if things happen unless you really DIDN'T want them to happen.
I hope I'm making sense here lol
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Candeh, if and when I have fave peeps u will be at the top of the list. Luv u girl!
Reason, I like u too but u makin' me feel wackbards Winking
Ur prob right Candeh, I cant differentiate between who/what should happen when but I really think I corrupted myself w/ some of that 'women's reading" and it makes me question how to go.... I am a sexual person so I guess aint nothing wrong w/ going that route when I feel its all good.....My bff told me she had hot tension w/ someone (like I'm having now) and she waited and then it SUCKED. she thinks I need to 'go for it' find out if its good and THEN let the chips fall as they may.... When I was younger thats kinda what I did and it got me into 2 great LTRs......maybe thats just my style and I'm reluctant to admit it now that there are "Rules".....so outta the loop! Cuz I DO think there are men you can do that w/ & its fine..like they know ur not a ho...which I'm not....and sometimes u gotta go for it.
Its just hard finding ur ground when u been outta the loop for so long! srsly, I aint trying to wrangle a husband so I dont know what my deal is...I can say the last guy had me sooooooo crazy for him I just got scared to go the distance tho' now that he's outta reach I'm almost sorry I didnt but I think I still have a chance w/ him.....
Thought it would get easier w/ age but seems like now I'm way overthinking things!
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I already added u to my VERY exclusive list so dont go actin' crazy now!
Thankfully I dont even know what a sawdwkcab (W/E) is so......take your blessing and smile ;P
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Awww thanks guys... I try lol. I mean, I'm still learning a lot too. I still mess up. But these are just the things I've finally learned after all the advice I learned here and from personal experiences. Dating still sucks, IMO lol.
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Yes, indeed, dating still sucks.
Of course, it isn't like I am actually dating. Perhaps I should qualify my comment by saying failing at dating still sucks.
I expect I am more selective about who I am interested in. I have a much better understanding of who I am, and therefore who I could/can stand to be around. I also tend to be a lot more patient. Being alone with myself simply isn't as frightening as it once was.
Still sucks, though....
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Posted by Reason
Posted by MiaSangria
I already added u to my VERY exclusive list so dont go actin' crazy now!
Thankfully I dont even know what a sawdwkcab (W/E) is so......take your blessing and smile ;P



oh, mia, how can i hurt you?
relax!
sawdwkcab is a mirrored 'backwards'
life is simple
smile
click to expand


duhhhh..LOL! (thats lol backwards Winking
I love and loathe dating!!!
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And do we know why it sucks? Tell you why it sucks for moi. Because I've had enough of games. Not interested in them. Not one jot, one iota, one tiny bit. I just think "Wouldn't it be dead nice if someone knew exactly what they wanted and just grabbed hold of it with both hands?" YEP. I have things like that skittering over my gray matter. What was once puzzling/exciting/fun/unnerving isn't so hot these days.
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^ Precisely. If I'd like to play a game I'll get out a Monopoly board. Tongue
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Posted by MiaSangria
So, here's an example of what I'm talking about:
When I was younger, I'd have sex and then develop a relationship (was lucky that it usually worked out for me that way)
NOW THAT I'M OLDER, I want to develop a relationship (to some extent) BEFORE I have sex.
Am I backwards???


No...That's exactly how it should be, but people are so used to the other way it has become innate which makes getting to know someone such a challenge. SMH...
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Idk who started the rumor that older folks wouldn't have to experience the same challenges & setbacks that younger folks go through in dating.
Yes, a more mature, experienced & "seasoned" mind seems desirable the older you get, BUT with maturity comes the chance for more baggage.
Some folks never grow up or get over things from their past. Well, the man who is 25, still immature & harping over his ex is 1 thing but the man who is 45 with the same attitude is even worse, especially since bitterness (if not corrected) gets WORSE the longer it sits!
The common misconception is that cheating, manipulation, mind games, commitment-phobia is a 'young' thing. That's not true. It's a MENTALITY & unfortunately, some older folks see nothing wrong with carrying that mentality over into their golden years.
Just b/c you're older doesn't mean you've held yourself accountable for all the immature/immoral behavior you've engaged in when you were younger.
Regardless of what age you are, you have to go into the dating scene with the attitude that regardless of another person's age, there's ALWAYS gonna be the "bad seeds" out there. The only problem is a 45-year old bad seed is worse than a 25 year old bad seed b/c the older a person gets, the more stuck they become in their own ways, thus the likelihood for change after a certain point dramatically decreases
If you go into dating assuming that you're somehow "exempt" from the same setbacks younger folks face, you'll always be disappointed.
Being older doesn't guarantee meeting a better quality of people. But being older (b/c wisdom comes with age) HELPS (not guarantees) that you'll be able to pick em alot better than you did when you were younger. The bad seeds never go away with age, BUT your ability to weed them out more quickly increases the older/more experienced you get
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Posted by MiaSangria
Candeh, if and when I have fave peeps u will be at the top of the list. Luv u girl!
Reason, I like u too but u makin' me feel wackbards Winking
Ur prob right Candeh, I cant differentiate between who/what should happen when but I really think I corrupted myself w/ some of that 'women's reading" and it makes me question how to go.... I am a sexual person so I guess aint nothing wrong w/ going that route when I feel its all good.....My bff told me she had hot tension w/ someone (like I'm having now) and she waited and then it SUCKED. she thinks I need to 'go for it' find out if its good and THEN let the chips fall as they may.... When I was younger thats kinda what I did and it got me into 2 great LTRs......maybe thats just my style and I'm reluctant to admit it now that there are "Rules".....so outta the loop! Cuz I DO think there are men you can do that w/ & its fine..like they know ur not a ho...which I'm not....and sometimes u gotta go for it.
Its just hard finding ur ground when u been outta the loop for so long! srsly, I aint trying to wrangle a husband so I dont know what my deal is...I can say the last guy had me sooooooo crazy for him I just got scared to go the distance tho' now that he's outta reach I'm almost sorry I didnt but I think I still have a chance w/ him.....
Thought it would get easier w/ age but seems like now I'm way overthinking things!


There are no "RULES" to dating. Rules are meant to be broken, & I am soooo a rebel...lol. I just go with the flow like Candeh stated. Nothing should be forced, pushed or pulled. If it's meant to happen it will happen organically. smile
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Posted by krysrenee7
Idk who started the rumor that older folks wouldn't have to experience the same challenges & setbacks that younger folks go through in dating.
Yes, a more mature, experienced & "seasoned" mind seems desirable the older you get, BUT with maturity comes the chance for more baggage.
Some folks never grow up or get over things from their past. Well, the man who is 25, still immature & harping over his ex is 1 thing but the man who is 45 with the same attitude is even worse, especially since bitterness (if not corrected) gets WORSE the longer it sits!
The common misconception is that cheating, manipulation, mind games, commitment-phobia is a 'young' thing. That's not true. It's a MENTALITY & unfortunately, some older folks see nothing wrong with carrying that mentality over into their golden years.
Just b/c you're older doesn't mean you've held yourself accountable for all the immature/immoral behavior you've engaged in when you were younger.
Regardless of what age you are, you have to go into the dating scene with the attitude that regardless of another person's age, there's ALWAYS gonna be the "bad seeds" out there. The only problem is a 45-year old bad seed is worse than a 25 year old bad seed b/c the older a person gets, the more stuck they become in their own ways, thus the likelihood for change after a certain point dramatically decreases
If you go into dating assuming that you're somehow "exempt" from the same setbacks younger folks face, you'll always be disappointed.
Being older doesn't guarantee meeting a better quality of people. But being older (b/c wisdom comes with age) HELPS (not guarantees) that you'll be able to pick em alot better than you did when you were younger. The bad seeds never go away with age, BUT your ability to weed them out more quickly increases the older/more experienced you get


Very true...
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Posted by dofacc
Yes, indeed, dating still sucks.
Of course, it isn't like I am actually dating. Perhaps I should qualify my comment by saying failing at dating still sucks.
I expect I am more selective about who I am interested in. I have a much better understanding of who I am, and therefore who I could/can stand to be around. I also tend to be a lot more patient. Being alone with myself simply isn't as frightening as it once was.
Still sucks, though....


and part of your original post ought to be borne in mind - "Did all the good ones make commitments earlier in life and stick to them?"
Of course - while we were wasting time with the wrong people, the right people were all out getting married. Admittedly some of those people have now discovered they have married the wrong people but it's too expensive/too much hassle to get divorced.
You would think if it only takes ONE person to rock your world and there are millions of people on the planet why is it so difficult to pin down that one person who is not necessarily perfect, but is just right for you?
If you are 35 then sure, you have a much better idea of who you are and what you can and can't compromise on where a partner is concerned etc than you did when you were 25.
Unfortunately a helluva lot of people got married during those 10 years and there just isn't that many eligible (meaning marriagable - assuming you are after more than a FB/"benefits" whatever thing) fish left in the sea now.
That didn't really help, did it?


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I get there are bad seeds among us 30 somethings. Ive had more than my share of gold diggers. But I'd rather take my chances with a 30 something dating wise. Vs dating a gal in their 20's that is still figuring out what they want out of relationships and life.
I get there are 30 somethings my age who are guilty of this as well. But to me the rate is much higher with the 20 something. Im not dissing that, cause 20 somethings arent supposed to know what they want.
Its super hard to meet a woman my age who isnt either married, or a single mom. No offense to single moms but thats not something Im ready for now or possibly ever.
Yes, there is baggage with us 30 somethings. But I'd rather have someone with personal experience vs someone who doesnt and is naive. I've never been married before, and the great thing about 30 something women is they are less likely to be jumping down your throat about marriage. Unless they've never been married before.
Im a committed relationship person and feel very cynical towards the institution of marriage. Just through seeing all my friends and families experiences in it. I have to be with someone a long time (over 4 years and the person has to be in 30's) before I make a commitment like that.
If I get married, I want it to be my only time. I'd rather be sure than take a chance and have it blow up in my face. Then making me 100% resistant toward marriage.
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I wonder what people consider to be "baggage"
sometimes it is "experience"...or just "stuff that happens"
Kids and an ex-wife are not necessarily "baggage" (unless the ex is Medusa and the kids are crackheads!)- it is just stuff. It's life.
Stuff that you work thru together because you are a team.

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well not everyone wants to get married and have kids.
Some people are happy to breed and not bother with the marriage bit.
Some people would like to get married and have a partner to share life/ups/downs/sex/whatever with.
This is ok.
It's also ok to not want to have a relationship. I believe there are music and travel and occult forums available.

Personally I don't see getting married as losing my freedom. I see it as teaming up with someone who was there for me, as I would be for them. But everyone views these things differently. Or perhaps I just view things from Planet Weird?
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Posted by MiaSangria
So, here's an example of what I'm talking about:
When I was younger, I'd have sex and then develop a relationship (was lucky that it usually worked out for me that way)
NOW THAT I'M OLDER, I want to develop a relationship (to some extent) BEFORE I have sex.
Am I backwards???


I am with you here.....there will be no sex unless there is a trip down the aisle in our future.
The sex before marriage thing hasn't worked, so we need to try something else.
Then of course, what happens if you marry the guy and find out he can't get it up??
But of course you can tell if he is good in bed from the way he kisses, right?

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Posted by Pecheresse
Nah you see things from Planet Hope Winking



Thanks Babe!!
I do try to
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now that I think about this, a while ago (OK ages ago) we had a similar thread.....best places for we senior citizens to meet potential date material, as obviously a whole different deal for folk still in school etc.
The usual hoary chestnuts were rolled out - the book shop, the coffee shop (with no positive results to back them up of course!)
I conducted several experiments (ever the mad scientist) going firstly to find a specific book and then to sit down and enjoy a coffee.....as an Aries I usually grab the coffee and bolt out the door and onto my next mission.
Then I tried both scenarios with the mindset of finding a prospective date.
No result on either account (but I did finally get the book I was after!)
I don't want to have to start stalking single parents at Saturday morning football gamesSad
The internet seems to be full of letches, although if I think about it sensibly, if I am nice and on the internet, surely there are nice guys there too. Just like there must be nice single guys in bars and coffee shops - it just seems that after a certain age one starts to feel time is not on one's side and bumping into your prospective SO by accident somewhere feels less and less likely to happen.
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Here's what my experience has been like at age 35. I have 2 young children and work full time so my best option has been online dating. I've found that there are tons of 30 and 40 something men out there that were never married/no children and since with online dating it's like shopping, I personally prefer to date someone with kids. It wouldn't be fair to the guy since I have limited time to go out with him. Plus, most of my life revolves around my kids so I need to be able to talk to someone who can relate to that. I understand that dating someone with an ex and kids can add "drama" on both ends. One guy I dated, I realized from the 1st conversation how that would go (he bashed the ex the entire time). My ex and I are in a decent relationship, and he sees the kids regularly.
For me, since on the one hand I want to "date" and get to know myself, keep things fun and casual without a serious committment (not looking to have more kids or get married anytime soon) I feel like I'm in a good place to just get out there and meet different guys. My challenge is that I only have 1 day a week to go out, plus my personality is to stick with one guy, so I'm actually not 'multi-dating'. The other thing I've struggled with is how early is too early to have sex. Yes, for me, relationships started with sex in the past (as a teen and early 20s). I also had a bad sex life while married (lack of interest on ex's part), so I know sexual compatibility is quite important. My challenge has been to not get attached after having sex and I think that may get easier. I look back and with one guy that I was disappointed it didn't work out, well he was the 1st guy to make me squirt over and over, so I got something out of it, learned something about myself LOL. Another guy, gave me my 1st orgasm (have had them on my own but never been with anyone that did it to me), so there you go!!!
So, I guess getting to know someone, paying attention to red flags, making sure I could see some sort of future (for now) with them, making sure they are interested in ME and pursing me, going down a checklist I guess and looking for red flags, and then having sex if it feels right seems to work. But, not having expectations or accepting what comes my way after is key for me. I'm in a place where I tell myself if I meet someone and it doesn't work out well there are plenty of fish! I'm also reading a lot about the differences between men & women here and on dating site forums that is helpful.
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where is our panel of experts???....all out on hot dates I guess
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expert
there isn't any
relationship before sex stick by your guns that is the way to go
you also need more honest men
I tell women who don't know me up front I have relationships with outher women
most men don't
at 44 Its more of a intellectual thing than sex I would perfer a women who wants to have an intercourse about integral calculus than a woman whos brain runs to so where we going to fuck do you like my shoes?
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*holding up bare feet* Like my shoes Tater? LOL Okay, I'm being a bit of a shit, but it's fun. Actually thanks for the honest answer.
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Posted by james tate
expert
there isn't any
relationship before sex stick by your guns that is the way to go
you also need more honest men
I tell women who don't know me up front I have relationships with outher women
most men don't
at 44 Its more of a intellectual thing than sex I would perfer a women who wants to have an intercourse about integral calculus than a woman whos brain runs to so where we going to fuck do you like my shoes?


men may find it hard to believe but most women would appreciate hearing that up-front, in the beginning HOWEVER most men know that will severely limit the number of women they are going to bed and these are probably the men who cant even spell integral calculus ;P
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My math skills are atrocious. LOL
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I for one shan't be able to sleep a WINK tonight because of it. Winking
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Big Grin
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a four letter word for intercourse
TALK
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believe it or not
a lot of women don't like me
a lot do
the ones who like me its not just the sex
its the fact I talk to them just like I talk to men
I have always looked at women as my equail
I don't talk down to them and if they prove me wrong and I find them lets just say (not to be the sharpist tack in the pack)
I am still nice to them but the relationship ends.
If your with a woman how many hours a day do you spend having sex?
How many hours a day talking about things?
Think about it.
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I think you just need to be yourself, no games. It's just hard finding another person that is the same way. Can drive you batty! Confused
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good point
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It's like someone said to me recently, at our age it's about intimacy not about the sex. It's about being able to relate to someone and have a conversation as Tate was saying. Our views and perceptions change with time. We mature and our view of love, life and relationships mature as well.
And as to what Virgie said, I think we're less likely to find game players the older we (and our potential suitors) get. Sure, there are disingenuous people in every age bracket, but as a whole I think that the older we get, the less we want to deal with shit in general and the more likely we're just going to go with the flow.
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good point
example note both male and female DRAMA QUEENS AND KINGS ON here.
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