Dreamer222?
@pooface222
Comments: 6 · Posts: 1783 · Topics: 79
Difficult Subject! Would you leave your marriage even though your partners mum/dad was dying?
Posted by pooface222You say he's 'failed to notice'. Have you ever come out and told him how unhappy certain behavior of his makes you? Have you asked him for counselling?
I had had enough of my husband and his control, his selfishness, his demands - including pressuring me emotionally into having babies - while completely failing to notice had unhappy he makes me.
Posted by LiveAndLoveThank you so much for your lovely reply. And apologies for all of the exclamation marks. It's just the way I write I'm afraid. When I'm writing about something that deeply upsets or angers me I don't actually realised I'm doing it.
This is sad but I honestly don't understand all your exclamation points over such tragedy. You can get your point across without them. And everyone has a sad story to tell. I could write a book about the things I've gone through. But I won't. I don't want to feel like that person who only has negative things happening. I hate that feeling.
We all do what we need to move forward and live life to the fullest. Trust your gut feelings no matter what, make things happen instead of pondering about them and you'll be a ok. *hugs
You are right about trusting my gut. And I did trust it but didn't go with it. The knawing guilt eating away me was horrid. And then the worry of what friends and family would think of me leaving my grieving husband.
Thanks again ☺ hugs back..
That is a tough one. I would stay but grow to resent him.
A woman I know just left her 25 year marriage. The husband recently received a kidney cancer diagnosis followed by a lung cancer diagnosis 6 months after. People are bashing her for leaving a dying man but in reality, she has wanted to leave him for years. She always held on for the kids and then for financial reasons. Once he got the news she left because the thought of "changing his diapers" horrified her. Years of resentment left her with zero compassion for this man. Staying for so long left her bitter and cold.
A woman I know just left her 25 year marriage. The husband recently received a kidney cancer diagnosis followed by a lung cancer diagnosis 6 months after. People are bashing her for leaving a dying man but in reality, she has wanted to leave him for years. She always held on for the kids and then for financial reasons. Once he got the news she left because the thought of "changing his diapers" horrified her. Years of resentment left her with zero compassion for this man. Staying for so long left her bitter and cold.
Posted by yupvirgooI think that's how I felt too. Guilt eating away at me for wanting to leave was a big factor too but staying to try and make sure my husband can get it together.
I don't think I can do it.
No matter how unhappy I am, for old time's sake maybe I'd stick around for a while until I'm sure my wife can get herself together. But grief never ends. It goes on forever. Maybe little by little you can distract yourself from focusing on it but it will always be there. But you have to leave eventually.
It's been 6 months since her funeral. But now I'm confused about what I want now.
I've waited around for 1 1/2 years until she died. And now a further 6 months since the funeral. Now I'm confused.
I need to be get my head together.
Thanks for your reply ☺
Posted by PootyButtSo true. Loyalty and compassion and also guilt made me stay. I'm now even more unhappy and lost. I've thrown away dreams of being happy again and when my little girl was only 8 months. Now she's nearly 3 years old!
I'm sure I would have done the same you did. I've done similar. Loyalty and compassion can sometimes get in the way of one's own dreams. It's one of those adult truths people don't like discussing.
I was confident in myself before the cancer diagnosis. Now I'm rather insecure sadly.
Thank you for your reply ☺
Posted by AreyoumytwinflameAre you saying I'm selfish?
I feel like this is a karmic lesson.
Altruism versus selfishness
Posted by Deedee86Gosh! This woman's situation sounds very like mine. Apart from the diapers. I have to confess I feel resentment towards my husband now. Mainly because in the 13years we've been together I have always been the one making sacrifices. I won't list what those sacrifices are as it will take too long.
That is a tough one. I would stay but grow to resent him.
A woman I know just left her 25 year marriage. The husband recently received a kidney cancer diagnosis followed by a lung cancer diagnosis 6 months after. People are bashing her for leaving a dying man but in reality, she has wanted to leave him for years. She always held on for the kids and then for financial reasons. Once he got the news she left because the thought of "changing his diapers" horrified her. Years of resentment left her with zero compassion for this man. Staying for so long left her bitter and cold.
The point is my husband has never made one single sacrifice in the time we've been together. And he admits it! As long as his life is easy and he bone er has to lose out in any way that is all he cares about!
Thanks for understanding ☺
Posted by pooface222*Never has to lose outPosted by Deedee86Gosh! This woman's situation sounds very like mine. Apart from the diapers. I have to confess I feel resentment towards my husband now. Mainly because in the 13years we've been together I have always been the one making sacrifices. I won't list what those sacrifices are as it will take too long.
That is a tough one. I would stay but grow to resent him.
A woman I know just left her 25 year marriage. The husband recently received a kidney cancer diagnosis followed by a lung cancer diagnosis 6 months after. People are bashing her for leaving a dying man but in reality, she has wanted to leave him for years. She always held on for the kids and then for financial reasons. Once he got the news she left because the thought of "changing his diapers" horrified her. Years of resentment left her with zero compassion for this man. Staying for so long left her bitter and cold.
The point is my husband has never made one single sacrifice in the time we've been together. And he admits it! As long as his life is easy and he bone er has to lose out in any way that is all he cares about!
Thanks for understanding ☺click to expand
Posted by pooface222Posted by Deedee86Gosh! This woman's situation sounds very like mine. Apart from the diapers. I have to confess I feel resentment towards my husband now. Mainly because in the 13years we've been together I have always been the one making sacrifices. I won't list what those sacrifices are as it will take too long.
That is a tough one. I would stay but grow to resent him.
A woman I know just left her 25 year marriage. The husband recently received a kidney cancer diagnosis followed by a lung cancer diagnosis 6 months after. People are bashing her for leaving a dying man but in reality, she has wanted to leave him for years. She always held on for the kids and then for financial reasons. Once he got the news she left because the thought of "changing his diapers" horrified her. Years of resentment left her with zero compassion for this man. Staying for so long left her bitter and cold.
The point is my husband has never made one single sacrifice in the time we've been together. And he admits it! As long as his life is easy and he bone er has to lose out in any way that is all he cares about!
Thanks for understanding ☺click to expand
I totally understand. I stayed with my ex husband for too long and for all the wrong reasons.
Life is short. Don't waste precious time. You deserve to be happy.
Posted by LadyNeptuneOhhh boy have I told him! And told him. And told him. And told him.Posted by pooface222You say he's 'failed to notice'. Have you ever come out and told him how unhappy certain behavior of his makes you? Have you asked him for counselling?
I had had enough of my husband and his control, his selfishness, his demands - including pressuring me emotionally into having babies - while completely failing to notice had unhappy he makes me.click to expand
Trust me x
Every time I tell him not to treat me in his condescending, belittling way, he argues back and defends his behaviour! I am convinced he is emotionally blind.
The result of him constantly defending himself, only makes him look like a tyrant who doesn't care that my feelings are getting hurt over & over; but also means that each time he defends himself, I am not being heard, and the sane arguments come up again and again. So its stalemate. And I end up downtrodden and very miserable, while he carries on as if nothing is wrong in his little world of emotional ignorance.
I have booked us for counselling and we are on a waiting list.
Thanks for your reply x
Posted by pooface222File for divorce. It'll take time. He knows what he had done and it's just bad timing!Posted by yupvirgooI think that's how I felt too. Guilt eating away at me for wanting to leave was a big factor too but staying to try and make sure my husband can get it together.
I don't think I can do it.
No matter how unhappy I am, for old time's sake maybe I'd stick around for a while until I'm sure my wife can get herself together. But grief never ends. It goes on forever. Maybe little by little you can distract yourself from focusing on it but it will always be there. But you have to leave eventually.
It's been 6 months since her funeral. But now I'm confused about what I want now.
I've waited around for 1 1/2 years until she died. And now a further 6 months since the funeral. Now I'm confused.
I need to be get my head together.
Thanks for your reply ☺click to expand
But his greening for mother and divorce from you will blend into one instead of you waiting for him to relax and then hit him with divorce!
It's just a matter of whether you can do it or not.
If you can - do it!
If you rather to wait for ever...wait!
Just remember you aren't doing your baby favor by raising her with a man you hate and he is apparently just caring for himself anyway. So he will be doomed if you do or same doomed if you don't!
Think of you, child and YOUR future.
He is an adult!
And don't buy into ' I am going to die if you leave me' crap!
Be strong and move on and out!
Hugs
Posted by SweetLily89You are so right about having the answer. I had the answer 2 years ago when we moved house. But the terminal cancer of hubby's mum made me go against my need to divorce, by staying.
You seem to be waiting for the perfect time, but there isn't one. Do you love him at all? You say you dont, but I'm not talking about romantic love. If you feel like your place For now is to be of support to him, then continue go do what you're doing. If you feel like regardless of the situation, you need to leave, then do that. Do what's right for you.
Deep down you already have the answer, we are all built differently and you're bound to get a mixing pot of replies that may end up confusing you more. Let your intuition be your guide, the answer is already within you.
I've got a lot of sorting out to do.
And I trust my intuition x. .
Thanks for replying ☺
Posted by LiveAndLovePosted by pooface222Don't apologize for being yourself. Ever. Use explamation pints if if feels good! And friends and family always have something to say once you fill them in on problems. Just do you. Make yourself happy ❤Posted by LiveAndLoveThank you so much for your lovely reply. And apologies for all of the exclamation marks. It's just the way I write I'm afraid. When I'm writing about something that deeply upsets or angers me I don't actually realised I'm doing it.
This is sad but I honestly don't understand all your exclamation points over such tragedy. You can get your point across without them. And everyone has a sad story to tell. I could write a book about the things I've gone through. But I won't. I don't want to feel like that person who only has negative things happening. I hate that feeling.
We all do what we need to move forward and live life to the fullest. Trust your gut feelings no matter what, make things happen instead of pondering about them and you'll be a ok. *hugs
You are right about trusting my gut. And I did trust it but didn't go with it. The knawing guilt eating away me was horrid. And then the worry of what friends and family would think of me leaving my grieving husband.
Thanks again ☺ hugs back..
click to expand
Thank you ? Funny thing is I'm now being consious of how many exclamation marks I'm using! ?
Posted by AreyoumytwinflameI know. It's scary how the last 6 months, since her funeral have flown so fast. I turned 40 two weeks ago as well and so I need to make a new life for myself.
I didn't read where she'd already passed on.
If you're going to leave I guess now is as good a time as any.
But as I have stayed for the 1 1/2 years While my husbands mother is dying, it feels weird that I am, in a sense, free to leave him now.
Apart from Divorce of course ?
Posted by aquarius_beautyHi..my husband is also Aries. I am Capricorn. Not good at all!
I was going to leave my ex Aries. But then we found out he had a heart condition where I had to take care of him after his surgery. I stayed to take care of him and decided to work things out because it seemed to have sparked a change in him. Thing is after he lost his job things began to unravel and all that 'change' was just a facade.
So i left.
Interestingly that 'change' that you mentioned is exactly what happened with me and my Aries husband.
In summer 2012 I wanted divorce but didn't tell him. I was scared of the unknown. So I stayed and had a baby. He wanted a baby. I didn't as I was not happy in the marriage.
Agreeing to have a baby with him, seemed to spark a change in him, but - once our baby was born, all of his shi**y behaviour that made me want to leave him in the first place, reared it's ugly head. I'm still with him and our baby girl is nearly 3!
It's difficult to leave now. Even if I divorce him, I will still have to see him because of our child ?
Posted by tizianiHi..
My longest relationship ended pretty soon after I lost a parent. I don't feel it should be a reason to stay or leave.
All I can remember from that time is feeling a lot of guilt to the point where I had nothing to draw from to give to others, and I'm sure she didn't either. Maybe if we'd had mutual respect or some kind of friendship and a little more life experience there, but all we had to fall back on was a lot of passion. Eventually all of that was swamped by guilt.
It shouldn't be a reason at all to stay or leave. You're right. But I guess when your relationship is a mess and you want to leave but then a parent is dying, it ends up being a reason sadly.
There was a lot of guilt there for me too.
Guilt is a very destructive thing and eats away at a person and eventually the relationship, as you know.
Posted by AreyoumytwinflameHmm. .I see what you are saying but I don't think you've quite understood me.Posted by pooface222You want to leave because you're not happy. Do you think your daughter will be happy away from her father? Unless your husband is abusive towards you or your child I see no reason to leave just because he's "bossy" and he didn't buy a house you love.Posted by AreyoumytwinflameAre you saying I'm selfish?
I feel like this is a karmic lesson.
Altruism versus selfishness
Love is being there for a person when they can offer you nothing in return. That's why I think it's a karmic lesson. Becuase you'll be required to give to a person who is giving you nothing back. Not many people would.
So, in a sense, yes, I think its selfish
click to expand
It's not about the house - that makes me sound spoilt! And it's not just about my husband being bossy etc. It's just very hard explaining exactly how I feel without writing on and on. So bossy is one word - not a very good one I admit!
It's about the fight to be happy in being loved. It's about feeling like my husband has never been there for me emotionally when I really need him. I have been there for him when he really needs me. He even used to call me his Rock - because I'm always there when he needs me. He used to say I'm his constant in his life.
I wish I could say the same about him. Whenever I have needed emotional support from him, his attitude just seems to be 'get over it.'
Those are not the words he uses but he comes across that way. He just makes me feel that emotional situations can be dealt with quickly with a snap decision/answer, when actually I just want to feel he cares; rather than acting like it doesn't matter that much.
Therefore. .when he wants me doing stuff/tasks his way because, his way is better than mine and he wants to "Help me" ? He gets angry when I won't change my ways of doing a task, to suit him. (I don't try to change his methods. I accept them. It's part of loving him). It makes me feel unappreciated, unloved because he can't just let me be me, And also disrespected.
i'd stay and be as helpful as i can, for all time's sake even when the love is gone
meanwhile, i'd start building an independent life and encourage his emotional independence gradually so that when the duct settles, i can move on without killing anyone
meanwhile, i'd start building an independent life and encourage his emotional independence gradually so that when the duct settles, i can move on without killing anyone
Posted by GemitatiThank you x I love your message.Posted by pooface222File for divorce. It'll take time. He knows what he had done and it's just bad timing!Posted by yupvirgooI think that's how I felt too. Guilt eating away at me for wanting to leave was a big factor too but staying to try and make sure my husband can get it together.
I don't think I can do it.
No matter how unhappy I am, for old time's sake maybe I'd stick around for a while until I'm sure my wife can get herself together. But grief never ends. It goes on forever. Maybe little by little you can distract yourself from focusing on it but it will always be there. But you have to leave eventually.
It's been 6 months since her funeral. But now I'm confused about what I want now.
I've waited around for 1 1/2 years until she died. And now a further 6 months since the funeral. Now I'm confused.
I need to be get my head together.
Thanks for your reply ☺
But his greening for mother and divorce from you will blend into one instead of you waiting for him to relax and then hit him with divorce!
It's just a matter of whether you can do it or not.
If you can - do it!
If you rather to wait for ever...wait!
Just remember you aren't doing your baby favor by raising her with a man you hate and he is apparently just caring for himself anyway. So he will be doomed if you do or same doomed if you don't!
Think of you, child and YOUR future.
He is an adult!
And don't buy into ' I am going to die if you leave me' crap!
Be strong and move on and out!
Hugsclick to expand
You know what? I never thought of it like that. You said 'grieving for mother and divorce from you will blend into one, instead of you waiting for him to relax and then hit him with divorce.'
I wish I had thought of it like that at the time. It would have saved a whole load of misery for me just hanging around waiting, and for him too. We have fought so much since we moved house. I have unresolved marital issues as I mentioned before so having a baby without sorting my issues has made things 100 times worse for me.
I have been stressed and angry since we moved house so with my anger etc and my husbands grieving, it's been hard being there for him when I'm so angry and hurt.
But I still tried X
I am now starting to plan my life afresh as it's now 2017 and I was 40 two weeks ago!!
ARRRRGGHH! ?
Posted by pooface222Godspeed to you!Posted by GemitatiThank you x I love your message.Posted by pooface222File for divorce. It'll take time. He knows what he had done and it's just bad timing!Posted by yupvirgooI think that's how I felt too. Guilt eating away at me for wanting to leave was a big factor too but staying to try and make sure my husband can get it together.
I don't think I can do it.
No matter how unhappy I am, for old time's sake maybe I'd stick around for a while until I'm sure my wife can get herself together. But grief never ends. It goes on forever. Maybe little by little you can distract yourself from focusing on it but it will always be there. But you have to leave eventually.
It's been 6 months since her funeral. But now I'm confused about what I want now.
I've waited around for 1 1/2 years until she died. And now a further 6 months since the funeral. Now I'm confused.
I need to be get my head together.
Thanks for your reply ☺
But his greening for mother and divorce from you will blend into one instead of you waiting for him to relax and then hit him with divorce!
It's just a matter of whether you can do it or not.
If you can - do it!
If you rather to wait for ever...wait!
Just remember you aren't doing your baby favor by raising her with a man you hate and he is apparently just caring for himself anyway. So he will be doomed if you do or same doomed if you don't!
Think of you, child and YOUR future.
He is an adult!
And don't buy into ' I am going to die if you leave me' crap!
Be strong and move on and out!
Hugs
You know what? I never thought of it like that. You said 'grieving for mother and divorce from you will blend into one, instead of you waiting for him to relax and then hit him with divorce.'
I wish I had thought of it like that at the time. It would have saved a whole load of misery for me just hanging around waiting, and for him too. We have fought so much since we moved house. I have unresolved marital issues as I mentioned before so having a baby without sorting my issues has made things 100 times worse for me.
I have been stressed and angry since we moved house so with my anger etc and my husbands grieving, it's been hard being there for him when I'm so angry and hurt.
But I still tried X
I am now starting to plan my life afresh as it's now 2017 and I was 40 two weeks ago!!
ARRRRGGHH! ?click to expand
Don't lose time. You had served your sentence with this man!
Just make sure to get all child support
and please have all abuse emotional am physical documented for court!
So you have full custody and his visitation rights limited.
If you need - pm me if you are in US o will find you people who can help.
Don't give up! You losing time. Life is too short! Regards'
Posted by PootyButtHi again..I feel you have really understood what I'm saying.Posted by pooface222It's a conundrum. We say for better or worse, through sickness and health. At least most of us do. I did. And then 5, 10, 15 years pass, things change, and you start thinking about how this is the only life you have to live as this version of yourself, at least.Posted by PootyButtSo true. Loyalty and compassion and also guilt made me stay. I'm now even more unhappy and lost. I've thrown away dreams of being happy again and when my little girl was only 8 months. Now she's nearly 3 years old!
I'm sure I would have done the same you did. I've done similar. Loyalty and compassion can sometimes get in the way of one's own dreams. It's one of those adult truths people don't like discussing.
I was confident in myself before the cancer diagnosis. Now I'm rather insecure sadly.
Thank you for your reply ☺
I think staying was admirable. That doesn't mean it was the only right thing to do. Are you still in the middle of dealing with his mother's cancer? The bitch of it is that crises tend to keep coming. As do holidays, birthdays, all kinds of reasons that compassionate people find to stay.click to expand
His mother's funeral was 6 months ago in July. The diagnosis came in early Dec 2014. So as you can see, it took about 1 1/2 years for the cancer to take her therefore 1 1/2 years of me staying due to loyalty compassion and guilt, while in a harsh light - waiting for her to die.
I just wanted to leave! It was torture staying with a man who has made me unhappy, and I was angry and resentful towards him while I stayed. Sometimes I just wanted to explode with anger and hurt. But I controlled it and told myself 'his mum is dying.'
Then I ended up exploding at him anyway because controlling it was eating away at me.
I was desperate to talk about our unresolved marriage issues and how I just want to divorce him become don't love him anymore or want sex with him.
Lastly as you said The bitch of it is that life keeps happening and you never know what Is round the corner. Until something else train happens and I end up staying all over again!
Thanks again x
Posted by GemitatiThanks again so much x I actually live in the UK and am British. I really appreciate your help.Posted by pooface222Godspeed to you!Posted by GemitatiThank you x I love your message.Posted by pooface222File for divorce. It'll take time. He knows what he had done and it's just bad timing!Posted by yupvirgooI think that's how I felt too. Guilt eating away at me for wanting to leave was a big factor too but staying to try and make sure my husband can get it together.
I don't think I can do it.
No matter how unhappy I am, for old time's sake maybe I'd stick around for a while until I'm sure my wife can get herself together. But grief never ends. It goes on forever. Maybe little by little you can distract yourself from focusing on it but it will always be there. But you have to leave eventually.
It's been 6 months since her funeral. But now I'm confused about what I want now.
I've waited around for 1 1/2 years until she died. And now a further 6 months since the funeral. Now I'm confused.
I need to be get my head together.
Thanks for your reply ☺
But his greening for mother and divorce from you will blend into one instead of you waiting for him to relax and then hit him with divorce!
It's just a matter of whether you can do it or not.
If you can - do it!
If you rather to wait for ever...wait!
Just remember you aren't doing your baby favor by raising her with a man you hate and he is apparently just caring for himself anyway. So he will be doomed if you do or same doomed if you don't!
Think of you, child and YOUR future.
He is an adult!
And don't buy into ' I am going to die if you leave me' crap!
Be strong and move on and out!
Hugs
You know what? I never thought of it like that. You said 'grieving for mother and divorce from you will blend into one, instead of you waiting for him to relax and then hit him with divorce.'
I wish I had thought of it like that at the time. It would have saved a whole load of misery for me just hanging around waiting, and for him too. We have fought so much since we moved house. I have unresolved marital issues as I mentioned before so having a baby without sorting my issues has made things 100 times worse for me.
I have been stressed and angry since we moved house so with my anger etc and my husbands grieving, it's been hard being there for him when I'm so angry and hurt.
But I still tried X
I am now starting to plan my life afresh as it's now 2017 and I was 40 two weeks ago!!
ARRRRGGHH! ?
Don't lose time. You had served your sentence with this man!
Just make sure to get all child support
and please have all abuse emotional am physical documented for court!
So you have full custody and his visitation rights limited.
If you need - pm me if you are in US o will find you people who can help.
Don't give up! You losing time. Life is too short! Regards'click to expand
Luckily he is not physically abusive but emotionally he just has this way of pushing me and pushing me more and more to my emotional limits that I explode and shout & swear at him.
He then tells me I'm being insulting! Okay calling him an effing bastard is not exactly polite BUT I never said it for no reason. And when you are pushed so far to your limits too! ??
Posted by DivaCanLeoReally? ? Seriously? ? I'm half shocked and half laughing! ??
i'd bounce and be there 1000% to help him through his grief, while i'm having sexual relationships with the Next hot guy
Posted by pooface222My husband is very mild and very quiet and very annoying!Posted by GemitatiThanks again so much x I actually live in the UK and am British. I really appreciate your help.Posted by pooface222Godspeed to you!Posted by GemitatiThank you x I love your message.Posted by pooface222File for divorce. It'll take time. He knows what he had done and it's just bad timing!Posted by yupvirgooI think that's how I felt too. Guilt eating away at me for wanting to leave was a big factor too but staying to try and make sure my husband can get it together.
I don't think I can do it.
No matter how unhappy I am, for old time's sake maybe I'd stick around for a while until I'm sure my wife can get herself together. But grief never ends. It goes on forever. Maybe little by little you can distract yourself from focusing on it but it will always be there. But you have to leave eventually.
It's been 6 months since her funeral. But now I'm confused about what I want now.
I've waited around for 1 1/2 years until she died. And now a further 6 months since the funeral. Now I'm confused.
I need to be get my head together.
Thanks for your reply ☺
But his greening for mother and divorce from you will blend into one instead of you waiting for him to relax and then hit him with divorce!
It's just a matter of whether you can do it or not.
If you can - do it!
If you rather to wait for ever...wait!
Just remember you aren't doing your baby favor by raising her with a man you hate and he is apparently just caring for himself anyway. So he will be doomed if you do or same doomed if you don't!
Think of you, child and YOUR future.
He is an adult!
And don't buy into ' I am going to die if you leave me' crap!
Be strong and move on and out!
Hugs
You know what? I never thought of it like that. You said 'grieving for mother and divorce from you will blend into one, instead of you waiting for him to relax and then hit him with divorce.'
I wish I had thought of it like that at the time. It would have saved a whole load of misery for me just hanging around waiting, and for him too. We have fought so much since we moved house. I have unresolved marital issues as I mentioned before so having a baby without sorting my issues has made things 100 times worse for me.
I have been stressed and angry since we moved house so with my anger etc and my husbands grieving, it's been hard being there for him when I'm so angry and hurt.
But I still tried X
I am now starting to plan my life afresh as it's now 2017 and I was 40 two weeks ago!!
ARRRRGGHH! ?
Don't lose time. You had served your sentence with this man!
Just make sure to get all child support
and please have all abuse emotional am physical documented for court!
So you have full custody and his visitation rights limited.
If you need - pm me if you are in US o will find you people who can help.
Don't give up! You losing time. Life is too short! Regards'
Luckily he is not physically abusive but emotionally he just has this way of pushing me and pushing me more and more to my emotional limits that I explode and shout & swear at him.
He then tells me I'm being insulting! Okay calling him an effing bastard is not exactly polite BUT I never said it for no reason. And when you are pushed so far to your limits too! ??click to expand
I had been his seevant Mommy for 23 years!
Our child is 22. Out on her own.
Whenever she needs help he is
Livid! I am saying get her money!!!
He does but every little thing he is inloading on me and i can't take it anymore!
Being younger I used to shelter him from every problem if I could resolve it on my own! I am tired. I had met a man who is my spit image! He does everything as I do!
So they exist! Just have to find one!
Just one!
Never had an affair. Before lol
But now it's a journey! Hope everyone will survive.
Good luck! Don't get old and miserable!
Posted by GemitatiPosted by pooface222My husband is very mild and very quiet and very annoying!Posted by GemitatiThanks again so much x I actually live in the UK and am British. I really appreciate your help.Posted by pooface222Godspeed to you!Posted by GemitatiThank you x I love your message.Posted by pooface222File for divorce. It'll take time. He knows what he had done and it's just bad timing!Posted by yupvirgooI think that's how I felt too. Guilt eating away at me for wanting to leave was a big factor too but staying to try and make sure my husband can get it together.
I don't think I can do it.
No matter how unhappy I am, for old time's sake maybe I'd stick around for a while until I'm sure my wife can get herself together. But grief never ends. It goes on forever. Maybe little by little you can distract yourself from focusing on it but it will always be there. But you have to leave eventually.
It's been 6 months since her funeral. But now I'm confused about what I want now.
I've waited around for 1 1/2 years until she died. And now a further 6 months since the funeral. Now I'm confused.
I need to be get my head together.
Thanks for your reply ☺
But his greening for mother and divorce from you will blend into one instead of you waiting for him to relax and then hit him with divorce!
It's just a matter of whether you can do it or not.
If you can - do it!
If you rather to wait for ever...wait!
Just remember you aren't doing your baby favor by raising her with a man you hate and he is apparently just caring for himself anyway. So he will be doomed if you do or same doomed if you don't!
Think of you, child and YOUR future.
He is an adult!
And don't buy into ' I am going to die if you leave me' crap!
Be strong and move on and out!
Hugs
You know what? I never thought of it like that. You said 'grieving for mother and divorce from you will blend into one, instead of you waiting for him to relax and then hit him with divorce.'
I wish I had thought of it like that at the time. It would have saved a whole load of misery for me just hanging around waiting, and for him too. We have fought so much since we moved house. I have unresolved marital issues as I mentioned before so having a baby without sorting my issues has made things 100 times worse for me.
I have been stressed and angry since we moved house so with my anger etc and my husbands grieving, it's been hard being there for him when I'm so angry and hurt.
But I still tried X
I am now starting to plan my life afresh as it's now 2017 and I was 40 two weeks ago!!
ARRRRGGHH! ?
Don't lose time. You had served your sentence with this man!
Just make sure to get all child support
and please have all abuse emotional am physical documented for court!
So you have full custody and his visitation rights limited.
If you need - pm me if you are in US o will find you people who can help.
Don't give up! You losing time. Life is too short! Regards'
Luckily he is not physically abusive but emotionally he just has this way of pushing me and pushing me more and more to my emotional limits that I explode and shout & swear at him.
He then tells me I'm being insulting! Okay calling him an effing bastard is not exactly polite BUT I never said it for no reason. And when you are pushed so far to your limits too! ??
I had been his seevant Mommy for 23 years!
Our child is 22. Out on her own.
Whenever she needs help he is
Livid! I am saying get her money!!!
He does but every little thing he is inloading on me and i can't take it anymore!
Being younger I used to shelter him from every problem if I could resolve it on my own! I am tired. I had met a man who is my spit image! He does everything as I do!
So they exist! Just have to find one!
Just one!
Never had an affair. Before lol
But now it's a journey! Hope everyone will survive.
Good luck! Don't get old and miserable!click to expand
Jesus! What we women put ourselves through.
Deep sigh. I think because you've sheltered him, that's why he unloads onto you. And now he's used to it and it's so unfair on you!
I.would love a man who does everything as I do.
Thanks again x
I'm off to bed now. It's 3.10am here in the UK. According to Facebook I'm a Mombie - this is a mom zombie who stays up late into the early hours just to have time to herself!
YUP! ? Nite nite..?
Posted by pooface222Posted by GemitatiPosted by pooface222My husband is very mild and very quiet and very annoying!Posted by GemitatiThanks again so much x I actually live in the UK and am British. I really appreciate your help.Posted by pooface222Godspeed to you!Posted by GemitatiThank you x I love your message.Posted by pooface222File for divorce. It'll take time. He knows what he had done and it's just bad timing!Posted by yupvirgooI think that's how I felt too. Guilt eating away at me for wanting to leave was a big factor too but staying to try and make sure my husband can get it together.
I don't think I can do it.
No matter how unhappy I am, for old time's sake maybe I'd stick around for a while until I'm sure my wife can get herself together. But grief never ends. It goes on forever. Maybe little by little you can distract yourself from focusing on it but it will always be there. But you have to leave eventually.
It's been 6 months since her funeral. But now I'm confused about what I want now.
I've waited around for 1 1/2 years until she died. And now a further 6 months since the funeral. Now I'm confused.
I need to be get my head together.
Thanks for your reply ☺
But his greening for mother and divorce from you will blend into one instead of you waiting for him to relax and then hit him with divorce!
It's just a matter of whether you can do it or not.
If you can - do it!
If you rather to wait for ever...wait!
Just remember you aren't doing your baby favor by raising her with a man you hate and he is apparently just caring for himself anyway. So he will be doomed if you do or same doomed if you don't!
Think of you, child and YOUR future.
He is an adult!
And don't buy into ' I am going to die if you leave me' crap!
Be strong and move on and out!
Hugs
You know what? I never thought of it like that. You said 'grieving for mother and divorce from you will blend into one, instead of you waiting for him to relax and then hit him with divorce.'
I wish I had thought of it like that at the time. It would have saved a whole load of misery for me just hanging around waiting, and for him too. We have fought so much since we moved house. I have unresolved marital issues as I mentioned before so having a baby without sorting my issues has made things 100 times worse for me.
I have been stressed and angry since we moved house so with my anger etc and my husbands grieving, it's been hard being there for him when I'm so angry and hurt.
But I still tried X
I am now starting to plan my life afresh as it's now 2017 and I was 40 two weeks ago!!
ARRRRGGHH! ?
Don't lose time. You had served your sentence with this man!
Just make sure to get all child support
and please have all abuse emotional am physical documented for court!
So you have full custody and his visitation rights limited.
If you need - pm me if you are in US o will find you people who can help.
Don't give up! You losing time. Life is too short! Regards'
Luckily he is not physically abusive but emotionally he just has this way of pushing me and pushing me more and more to my emotional limits that I explode and shout & swear at him.
He then tells me I'm being insulting! Okay calling him an effing bastard is not exactly polite BUT I never said it for no reason. And when you are pushed so far to your limits too! ??
I had been his seevant Mommy for 23 years!
Our child is 22. Out on her own.
Whenever she needs help he is
Livid! I am saying get her money!!!
He does but every little thing he is inloading on me and i can't take it anymore!
Being younger I used to shelter him from every problem if I could resolve it on my own! I am tired. I had met a man who is my spit image! He does everything as I do!
So they exist! Just have to find one!
Just one!
Never had an affair. Before lol
But now it's a journey! Hope everyone will survive.
Good luck! Don't get old and miserable!
Jesus! What we women put ourselves through.
Deep sigh. I think because you've sheltered him, that's why he unloads onto you. And now he's used to it and it's so unfair on you!
I.would love a man who does everything as I do.
Thanks again x
I'm off to bed now. It's 3.10am here in the UK. According to Facebook I'm a Mombie - this is a mom zombie who stays up late into the early hours just to have time to herself!
YUP! ? Nite nite..?
click to expand
Sweet dreams! Lol
Posted by PootyButtHmm. .I don't know what would have to change to make life happier. We are happy on the surface and if you saw us together, you'd never know we had problems. I think it's just a mask fir the issues underneath.Posted by pooface222You're welcome. It's a shit situation.Posted by PootyButtHi again..I feel you have really understood what I'm saying.Posted by pooface222It's a conundrum. We say for better or worse, through sickness and health. At least most of us do. I did. And then 5, 10, 15 years pass, things change, and you start thinking about how this is the only life you have to live as this version of yourself, at least.Posted by PootyButtSo true. Loyalty and compassion and also guilt made me stay. I'm now even more unhappy and lost. I've thrown away dreams of being happy again and when my little girl was only 8 months. Now she's nearly 3 years old!
I'm sure I would have done the same you did. I've done similar. Loyalty and compassion can sometimes get in the way of one's own dreams. It's one of those adult truths people don't like discussing.
I was confident in myself before the cancer diagnosis. Now I'm rather insecure sadly.
Thank you for your reply ☺
I think staying was admirable. That doesn't mean it was the only right thing to do. Are you still in the middle of dealing with his mother's cancer? The bitch of it is that crises tend to keep coming. As do holidays, birthdays, all kinds of reasons that compassionate people find to stay.
His mother's funeral was 6 months ago in July. The diagnosis came in early Dec 2014. So as you can see, it took about 1 1/2 years for the cancer to take her therefore 1 1/2 years of me staying due to loyalty compassion and guilt, while in a harsh light - waiting for her to die.
I just wanted to leave! It was torture staying with a man who has made me unhappy, and I was angry and resentful towards him while I stayed. Sometimes I just wanted to explode with anger and hurt. But I controlled it and told myself 'his mum is dying.'
Then I ended up exploding at him anyway because controlling it was eating away at me.
I was desperate to talk about our unresolved marriage issues and how I just want to divorce him become don't love him anymore or want sex with him.
Lastly as you said The bitch of it is that life keeps happening and you never know what Is round the corner. Until something else train happens and I end up staying all over again!
Thanks again x
Have you really tried to talk to him and work on the relationship? Do you want to? Can you imagine a happier life with him if something changed?
Marriage as an institution and individual promise is important to me, as it sounds like it is to you, but if you really don't love him or want to have sex with him anymore, you're giving him partial love anyway. He may not realize it, but that's not doing him much good.
Good luck. This marriage stuff isn't as easy as they make it sound.click to expand
This means my husband is like this at home though too . Drives me nuts. I just wish HE would open his mouth and talk about our issues instead of leaving it to me to start talking.
But that's another story I won't go into ?
Posted by GemitatiSweet dreams ?Posted by pooface222Posted by GemitatiPosted by pooface222My husband is very mild and very quiet and very annoying!Posted by GemitatiThanks again so much x I actually live in the UK and am British. I really appreciate your help.Posted by pooface222Godspeed to you!Posted by GemitatiThank you x I love your message.Posted by pooface222File for divorce. It'll take time. He knows what he had done and it's just bad timing!Posted by yupvirgooI think that's how I felt too. Guilt eating away at me for wanting to leave was a big factor too but staying to try and make sure my husband can get it together.
I don't think I can do it.
No matter how unhappy I am, for old time's sake maybe I'd stick around for a while until I'm sure my wife can get herself together. But grief never ends. It goes on forever. Maybe little by little you can distract yourself from focusing on it but it will always be there. But you have to leave eventually.
It's been 6 months since her funeral. But now I'm confused about what I want now.
I've waited around for 1 1/2 years until she died. And now a further 6 months since the funeral. Now I'm confused.
I need to be get my head together.
Thanks for your reply ☺
But his greening for mother and divorce from you will blend into one instead of you waiting for him to relax and then hit him with divorce!
It's just a matter of whether you can do it or not.
If you can - do it!
If you rather to wait for ever...wait!
Just remember you aren't doing your baby favor by raising her with a man you hate and he is apparently just caring for himself anyway. So he will be doomed if you do or same doomed if you don't!
Think of you, child and YOUR future.
He is an adult!
And don't buy into ' I am going to die if you leave me' crap!
Be strong and move on and out!
Hugs
You know what? I never thought of it like that. You said 'grieving for mother and divorce from you will blend into one, instead of you waiting for him to relax and then hit him with divorce.'
I wish I had thought of it like that at the time. It would have saved a whole load of misery for me just hanging around waiting, and for him too. We have fought so much since we moved house. I have unresolved marital issues as I mentioned before so having a baby without sorting my issues has made things 100 times worse for me.
I have been stressed and angry since we moved house so with my anger etc and my husbands grieving, it's been hard being there for him when I'm so angry and hurt.
But I still tried X
I am now starting to plan my life afresh as it's now 2017 and I was 40 two weeks ago!!
ARRRRGGHH! ?
Don't lose time. You had served your sentence with this man!
Just make sure to get all child support
and please have all abuse emotional am physical documented for court!
So you have full custody and his visitation rights limited.
If you need - pm me if you are in US o will find you people who can help.
Don't give up! You losing time. Life is too short! Regards'
Luckily he is not physically abusive but emotionally he just has this way of pushing me and pushing me more and more to my emotional limits that I explode and shout & swear at him.
He then tells me I'm being insulting! Okay calling him an effing bastard is not exactly polite BUT I never said it for no reason. And when you are pushed so far to your limits too! ??
I had been his seevant Mommy for 23 years!
Our child is 22. Out on her own.
Whenever she needs help he is
Livid! I am saying get her money!!!
He does but every little thing he is inloading on me and i can't take it anymore!
Being younger I used to shelter him from every problem if I could resolve it on my own! I am tired. I had met a man who is my spit image! He does everything as I do!
So they exist! Just have to find one!
Just one!
Never had an affair. Before lol
But now it's a journey! Hope everyone will survive.
Good luck! Don't get old and miserable!
Jesus! What we women put ourselves through.
Deep sigh. I think because you've sheltered him, that's why he unloads onto you. And now he's used to it and it's so unfair on you!
I.would love a man who does everything as I do.
Thanks again x
I'm off to bed now. It's 3.10am here in the UK. According to Facebook I'm a Mombie - this is a mom zombie who stays up late into the early hours just to have time to herself!
YUP! ? Nite nite..?
Sweet dreams! Lol
click to expand
Posted by sumooWell my situation is very serious. It goes deeper than just a few arguments. We actually don't get on deep down. We are not compatible. We want different things at the same time - eg him wanting to move but me not. And then more serious issues like him wanting babies but me not.
i would stay with them and comfort them, i think it's just mean to leave someone who's going through hard times like that
a relationship can be built to be stronger that way
it's depends on the reason i want to leave to, if it's really serious then i would just leave but if it's something to do with a few arguments i can look over that
We think differently, we act differently, we live life at different speeds. For example he lives life at breakneck speed without actually thinking whether what he's doing is right or how it's affects our relationship. Whereas I take my time in thinking what is best to do for both of us and weighing up the pros and cons.
I also look at whether it's the right time. He has no sense of timing either.
We are two very different people whose characters clash at most areas of our relationship.
Posted by pooface222what's your placements and what are his?Posted by sumoo
i would stay with them and comfort them, i think it's just mean to leave someone who's going through hard times like that
a relationship can be built to be stronger that way
it's depends on the reason i want to leave to, if it's really serious then i would just leave but if it's something to do with a few arguments i can look over that
Well my situation is very serious. It goes deeper than just a few arguments. We actually don't get on deep down. We are not compatible. We want different things at the same time - eg him wanting to move but me not. And then more serious issues like him wanting babies but me not.
We think differently, we act differently, we live life at different speeds. For example he lives life at breakneck speed without actually thinking whether what he's doing is right or how it's affects our relationship. Whereas I take my time in thinking what is best to do for both of us and weighing up the pros and cons.
I also look at whether it's the right time. He has no sense of timing either.
We are two very different people whose characters clash at most areas of our relationship.click to expand
and if you both are two different people...
how did you two get together?
your need to have babies are DEEPER than his.
and he wants to move and you don't.
it just sounds you are not compatible in that you won't bend to his will.
and he won't bend to yours.
one of you has to BEND, and LIKE /LOVE it...
and if you don't...well ...that's how marriages end.
Posted by lisabethur8Hi Lisabethur8Posted by pooface222what's your placements and what are his?Posted by sumoo
i would stay with them and comfort them, i think it's just mean to leave someone who's going through hard times like that
a relationship can be built to be stronger that way
it's depends on the reason i want to leave to, if it's really serious then i would just leave but if it's something to do with a few arguments i can look over that
Well my situation is very serious. It goes deeper than just a few arguments. We actually don't get on deep down. We are not compatible. We want different things at the same time - eg him wanting to move but me not. And then more serious issues like him wanting babies but me not.
We think differently, we act differently, we live life at different speeds. For example he lives life at breakneck speed without actually thinking whether what he's doing is right or how it's affects our relationship. Whereas I take my time in thinking what is best to do for both of us and weighing up the pros and cons.
I also look at whether it's the right time. He has no sense of timing either.
We are two very different people whose characters clash at most areas of our relationship.
and if you both are two different people...
how did you two get together?
your need to have babies are DEEPER than his.
and he wants to move and you don't.
it just sounds you are not compatible in that you won't bend to his will.
and he won't bend to yours.
one of you has to BEND, and LIKE /LOVE it...
and if you don't...well ...that's how marriages end.click to expand
I really like your reply.
We met at my old workplace. I worked in a bank. One Saturday he came in to discuss his account. I was on the reception desk. He flirted and gave me his phone number.
I left it a day as I wasn't sure about him. He wasn't my type but I found him cute. Then I decided to give him a chance.
He is Aries with Venus in Aquarius.
Moon in Capricorn
Mercury in Aries
Moon in Pisces
I am Capricorn with Venus in Pisces
I also have Capricorn in Moon, Mars and Mercury.
Are those enough details for our birth charts? Or do you need more?
Posted by pooface222MARS in PiscesPosted by lisabethur8Hi Lisabethur8Posted by pooface222what's your placements and what are his?Posted by sumoo
i would stay with them and comfort them, i think it's just mean to leave someone who's going through hard times like that
a relationship can be built to be stronger that way
it's depends on the reason i want to leave to, if it's really serious then i would just leave but if it's something to do with a few arguments i can look over that
Well my situation is very serious. It goes deeper than just a few arguments. We actually don't get on deep down. We are not compatible. We want different things at the same time - eg him wanting to move but me not. And then more serious issues like him wanting babies but me not.
We think differently, we act differently, we live life at different speeds. For example he lives life at breakneck speed without actually thinking whether what he's doing is right or how it's affects our relationship. Whereas I take my time in thinking what is best to do for both of us and weighing up the pros and cons.
I also look at whether it's the right time. He has no sense of timing either.
We are two very different people whose characters clash at most areas of our relationship.
and if you both are two different people...
how did you two get together?
your need to have babies are DEEPER than his.
and he wants to move and you don't.
it just sounds you are not compatible in that you won't bend to his will.
and he won't bend to yours.
one of you has to BEND, and LIKE /LOVE it...
and if you don't...well ...that's how marriages end.
I really like your reply.
We met at my old workplace. I worked in a bank. One Saturday he came in to discuss his account. I was on the reception desk. He flirted and gave me his phone number.
I left it a day as I wasn't sure about him. He wasn't my type but I found him cute. Then I decided to give him a chance.
He is Aries with Venus in Aquarius.
Moon in Capricorn
Mercury in Aries
MARS in Pisces
I am Capricorn with Venus in Pisces
I also have Capricorn in Moon, Mars and Mercury.
Are those enough details for our birth charts? Or do you need more?
click to expand
Posted by RindarooSHIT! What a b****rd! All that time you spent with him when you could have been happy!
Tough subject. My ex almost died when he was 35. I remember everyone was shocked I stayed. I just couldn't leave him, it seemed heartless. I stayed for 10 years to make sure he was alright, take care of him & the kids. It's the worst thing I could've done to myself. I had to pull myself out of the abyss. He's now 52. Turns out he didn't need me to stay after all... and didn't appreciate that I did.
Ah choices & decisions. We just have to live with them, whether it's right or wrong.
Thats why I stayed with my husband. It seemed heartless to leave with his mum dying. However it also felt heartless staying. Why? Because I just ended up staying BECAUSE his mum was dying - not because I actually Wanted to stay.
So I'm damned if I stay and damned if I go!
Sadly it seems the same situation for you ?
It's so hard isn't it, trying to fund a balance between looking after our own needs - even in the face of death of someone close - and looking after someone else's needs.
when you can take care of yourself and your daughter, just go
Posted by tctaI would like to do that soon. I just turned 40 in January. So really don't want to waste any more time. I've already wasted nearly 5 years!
when you can take care of yourself and your daughter, just go
Posted by RindarooI'm so glad you said that about making others mire important than yourself. THAT is my biggest downfall! I just don't seem to learn or stop doing it. I've only had 2 LTR's and in the previous one I made him more important too!??Posted by pooface222It Is very important to remember yourself too. I always thought that if you gave love you would get it back. Especially when the person supposedly loves you. It is not always true. We were together 20 years, and when I started taking care of myself too I was selfish... some people just take & will manipulate you to keep what you give them. But that's my story anyway. I left 5 years ago, and there needed to be a lot of healing for me, my son & daughter. We are all doing much better & are much happier now. He's found someone else to enable him. Seems it has all worked out.Posted by RindarooSHIT! What a b****rd! All that time you spent with him when you could have been happy!
Tough subject. My ex almost died when he was 35. I remember everyone was shocked I stayed. I just couldn't leave him, it seemed heartless. I stayed for 10 years to make sure he was alright, take care of him & the kids. It's the worst thing I could've done to myself. I had to pull myself out of the abyss. He's now 52. Turns out he didn't need me to stay after all... and didn't appreciate that I did.
Ah choices & decisions. We just have to live with them, whether it's right or wrong.
Thats why I stayed with my husband. It seemed heartless to leave with his mum dying. However it also felt heartless staying. Why? Because I just ended up staying BECAUSE his mum was dying - not because I actually Wanted to stay.
So I'm damned if I stay and damned if I go!
Sadly it seems the same situation for you ?
It's so hard isn't it, trying to fund a balance between looking after our own needs - even in the face of death of someone close - and looking after someone else's needs.
It just is really important to not make others more important than yourself. Kids are one thing, but in a spouse/relationship it needs to be a working together, taking care of each other dynamic.
Oh & my father was very sick & dying the last 5 years of the marriage. I did not get the same compassion from my ex. Some but ya know not like one would expect. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. No matter what anyone says.
click to expand
It must have been so tough for you to have your father dying for the last 5 years etc. I really don't know how you have coped x But I guess you just do cope in the end because you have to if you want to move on and be happy.
I always believed/believe the same as you - that you take care of each other But sadly it seems that I have taken care of their needs more than mine while they have taken care of their own needs.
My husband said an interesting thing a year or so ago. When I told him how unhappy he made me, and how I didn't want children because of it, he said that a few years ago (before I agreed to come off the pill after much pressure from him), he considered divorcing me if I didn't give him a baby. But the reason he didn't say it at the time was because First - he didn't want to emotionally blackmail me. And Second (now this is typical my husband), he said 'I didn't want to have to break my own heart by leaving you' WTF! !
Never mind how I will feel being Dumped & Divorced for not giving him a child! Charming eh? To this I replied 'Oh so you only cared about your own selfish heart!? What about my heart?'
I then went on to tell him that, the reason I didn't divorce him in Summer 2012, is because I felt guilty that he loved me & wanted a baby with me, (even though he also treated me like shit),so I felt I couldn't take that (chance to have a baby) away from him.
In other words I cared about HIS heart, while he cared about HIS heart too! Who cared about MINE? No - one it seems ?
There are some good things he has done for me like he helps me with practical stuff - he's a practical guy. BUT when it comes to me needing him on a deeper level - he just ignores everything I say; fights and argues with me when I tell him what I need from him, and weirdly, ends up giving me what I DONT want or need, while at the same time wont give me what I DO want or need!
I may as well speak a foreign language to him. It's the same effect. I have always spoken to him in plain simple English and said what I want and what I don't want. Quite how he manages to mistake his arse for his elbow, I will never know ?
Quite frankly it's a pretty messed up relationship.
Posted by julietteHi ya..interesting perspective. However it's not so much about the house - otherwise I or me and hubby sound petty. It's actually to do with the fact that I had Only just had our first (and only) baby.
Different perspective. I think you are much more alike than you think. For example the thing about the house, he hates old you hate new! Yes you like different things but both of you want to get away with what you want. It's only that he is winning most of the time. I mean really, if he hated the house so much instead of being stubborn about wanting to stay maybe you were supposed to agree and say without argument, OK let find a new house where both of us will like. And believe me that house exists. Instead it's just what you want or nothing so now you ended up in a house you hate. I'm not going even to comment the baby will save us. No, if there are issues the baby will always make it worse. Sleep deprivation, lots of money for the baby...
His attitude is all Aries, and they often sound and appear more harsh than they actually feel. Both of you are cardinal, controlling and tyrant. I can only imagine what you arguments look like. As a single mother I should be the first to tell you leave him. But, no, all I see stubbornness and unwilling to compromise. And now, with the baby it's not only about you.
So I suggest go to the therapist and work it out! Both of you! Stop taking everything to the hearth. When he starts with his tantrums turn it into a joke, stop taking him so seriously. And learn to compromise.
I was only on maternity leave for 3 months - my choice - and my husband spent my entire maternity leave - from the start of it - Rushing to sell our cosy little 2 bed house I loved AND Rushing to buy a 4 bed house HE loved.
Therefore any woman who has had a baby for the first time knows exactly what it feels like to have your world turned completely upside - down in the blink of an eye!
My head wasn't in the right place. My feelings were all over place - as I'm sure you can understand (although I don't know if you have kids?). My hormones all over the place. I was up all night feeding a newborn baby and tired and zombie - like in the day. I was breastfeeding which felt weird for first few weeks of her life, even though I chose to do it.
My Only focus was our little newborn baby.
Therefore a Rushed/forced house move and a Rushed/Forced house purchase was FAR from my mind and not one bit important.
I was trying to get my head around being a first - time mum and coping with the permanent sleep deprivation.
My husband was adamant that we are moving house during my only 3 months off. He was all push push push force force force! The badgering emails and phone calls to the estate agents were constant I used to feel like he was bullying them to move faster!
I told him I don't want to move and said it over and over. He actually turned round to me and snapped Threateningly 'Fine! You stay here and I'll find a place for me and our baby!'
So as you can see. It's not about the house. It's about me trying to deal with the Massive physical and emotional life - change of being a new mum whole just wanting to stay put in our little house until I am settled and Ready - physically and emotionally- to deal with selling and buying houses.
I feel my husband ruined my Mat.leave. I just wanted him to drop what he was doing and just be my husband and father to our baby (she is now nearly 3). I wanted to feel like a new little family. Sadly that feeling never arrived. Ever. The whole of my Mat leave was about buying a Family home - his words.
Lastly I only found out from him last week that the reason he wanted a 4 bed house is to prepare for a Second Baby!??!
Errr how about focusing on our first baby??
How about focusing on being a family? ?
Once he's got the thing he wants he Races straight on to the next thing at breakneck speed, without actually stopping to relax and actually enjoy what is right in front of him.
And apparently that is a very Aries trait - all judgement on Aries aside.
Thank you for your reply ?
Posted by julietteJust noticed that you Do have kids x
As a single mother I should be the first to tell you leave him.
Posted by julietteSure..men don't understand. That's why I wanted him to listen to what I'm telling him and just allow me to settle - at the time - into being myself again.Posted by pooface222Posted by julietteHi ya..interesting perspective. However it's not so much about the house - otherwise I or me and hubby sound petty. It's actually to do with the fact that I had Only just had our first (and only) baby.
Different perspective. I think you are much more alike than you think. For example the thing about the house, he hates old you hate new! Yes you like different things but both of you want to get away with what you want. It's only that he is winning most of the time. I mean really, if he hated the house so much instead of being stubborn about wanting to stay maybe you were supposed to agree and say without argument, OK let find a new house where both of us will like. And believe me that house exists. Instead it's just what you want or nothing so now you ended up in a house you hate. I'm not going even to comment the baby will save us. No, if there are issues the baby will always make it worse. Sleep deprivation, lots of money for the baby...
His attitude is all Aries, and they often sound and appear more harsh than they actually feel. Both of you are cardinal, controlling and tyrant. I can only imagine what you arguments look like. As a single mother I should be the first to tell you leave him. But, no, all I see stubbornness and unwilling to compromise. And now, with the baby it's not only about you.
So I suggest go to the therapist and work it out! Both of you! Stop taking everything to the hearth. When he starts with his tantrums turn it into a joke, stop taking him so seriously. And learn to compromise.
I was only on maternity leave for 3 months - my choice - and my husband spent my entire maternity leave - from the start of it - Rushing to sell our cosy little 2 bed house I loved AND Rushing to buy a 4 bed house HE loved.
Therefore any woman who has had a baby for the first time knows exactly what it feels like to have your world turned completely upside - down in the blink of an eye!
My head wasn't in the right place. My feelings were all over place - as I'm sure you can understand (although I don't know if you have kids?). My hormones all over the place. I was up all night feeding a newborn baby and tired and zombie - like in the day. I was breastfeeding which felt weird for first few weeks of her life, even though I chose to do it.
My Only focus was our little newborn baby.
Therefore a Rushed/forced house move and a Rushed/Forced house purchase was FAR from my mind and not one bit important.
I was trying to get my head around being a first - time mum and coping with the permanent sleep deprivation.
My husband was adamant that we are moving house during my only 3 months off. He was all push push push force force force! The badgering emails and phone calls to the estate agents were constant I used to feel like he was bullying them to move faster!
I told him I don't want to move and said it over and over. He actually turned round to me and snapped Threateningly 'Fine! You stay here and I'll find a place for me and our baby!'
So as you can see. It's not about the house. It's about me trying to deal with the Massive physical and emotional life - change of being a new mum whole just wanting to stay put in our little house until I am settled and Ready - physically and emotionally- to deal with selling and buying houses.
I feel my husband ruined my Mat.leave. I just wanted him to drop what he was doing and just be my husband and father to our baby (she is now nearly 3). I wanted to feel like a new little family. Sadly that feeling never arrived. Ever. The whole of my Mat leave was about buying a Family home - his words.
Lastly I only found out from him last week that the reason he wanted a 4 bed house is to prepare for a Second Baby!??!
Errr how about focusing on our first baby??
How about focusing on being a family? ?
Once he's got the thing he wants he Races straight on to the next thing at breakneck speed, without actually stopping to relax and actually enjoy what is right in front of him.
And apparently that is a very Aries trait - all judgement on Aries aside.
Thank you for your reply ?
Yeah well some men don't understand how hard and weird is becoming a mom. It's similar for them but most of them want to continue with life without a break.
Idk, my suggestion would be to wait for a bit until you feel like yourself again.
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Thing is, I have never felt we are a family because of him always uprooting situations. And also as I put in my original post, I wanted to divorce my husband 2 weeks in to living in the new house.
Why? Because he had pushed me around to get what he wants, just one too many times. And moving house was the last time he'd push me around emotionally.
I wanted a divorce. I was just about to tell him a day or two after I'd decided but - my husbands father rang to say his (my husbands) mother is dying.
So...I couldn't mention divorce.
The funeral was 6 months ago. We've been living in the house 2 years. It took her a year and a half to die. So now I've got to decide what I do.
Posted by RindarooJesus! That sounds awful! Especially with your dad.Posted by pooface222I've been married twice, and yes I made them both more important than me, until it was really clear they didn't care what I wanted. They were not giving back, they just ignored me & my feelings if it didn't match with their view. Ugh.. first marriage didn't last long & second one I had convinced myself it must be me since it was happening again & both blamed me. A lot of inside work, therapy, and a support group and I learned I was important too. I had my own choices and it was okay if they differed from his. Problem was he didn't care about my views ( just like you said). Well, my dad deteriorated over 7 years b4 he finally died & my ex had moved me to another state. Talk about guilt.. well I took trips back to LA and did as much as I could. My ex was supportive of my trips, but no emotional support at all.Posted by RindarooI'm so glad you said that about making others mire important than yourself. THAT is my biggest downfall! I just don't seem to learn or stop doing it. I've only had 2 LTR's and in the previous one I made him more important too!??Posted by pooface222It Is very important to remember yourself too. I always thought that if you gave love you would get it back. Especially when the person supposedly loves you. It is not always true. We were together 20 years, and when I started taking care of myself too I was selfish... some people just take & will manipulate you to keep what you give them. But that's my story anyway. I left 5 years ago, and there needed to be a lot of healing for me, my son & daughter. We are all doing much better & are much happier now. He's found someone else to enable him. Seems it has all worked out.Posted by RindarooSHIT! What a b****rd! All that time you spent with him when you could have been happy!
Tough subject. My ex almost died when he was 35. I remember everyone was shocked I stayed. I just couldn't leave him, it seemed heartless. I stayed for 10 years to make sure he was alright, take care of him & the kids. It's the worst thing I could've done to myself. I had to pull myself out of the abyss. He's now 52. Turns out he didn't need me to stay after all... and didn't appreciate that I did.
Ah choices & decisions. We just have to live with them, whether it's right or wrong.
Thats why I stayed with my husband. It seemed heartless to leave with his mum dying. However it also felt heartless staying. Why? Because I just ended up staying BECAUSE his mum was dying - not because I actually Wanted to stay.
So I'm damned if I stay and damned if I go!
Sadly it seems the same situation for you ?
It's so hard isn't it, trying to fund a balance between looking after our own needs - even in the face of death of someone close - and looking after someone else's needs.
It just is really important to not make others more important than yourself. Kids are one thing, but in a spouse/relationship it needs to be a working together, taking care of each other dynamic.
Oh & my father was very sick & dying the last 5 years of the marriage. I did not get the same compassion from my ex. Some but ya know not like one would expect. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. No matter what anyone says.
It must have been so tough for you to have your father dying for the last 5 years etc. I really don't know how you have coped x But I guess you just do cope in the end because you have to if you want to move on and be happy.
I always believed/believe the same as you - that you take care of each other But sadly it seems that I have taken care of their needs more than mine while they have taken care of their own needs.
My husband said an interesting thing a year or so ago. When I told him how unhappy he made me, and how I didn't want children because of it, he said that a few years ago (before I agreed to come off the pill after much pressure from him), he considered divorcing me if I didn't give him a baby. But the reason he didn't say it at the time was because First - he didn't want to emotionally blackmail me. And Second (now this is typical my husband), he said 'I didn't want to have to break my own heart by leaving you' WTF! !
Never mind how I will feel being Dumped & Divorced for not giving him a child! Charming eh? To this I replied 'Oh so you only cared about your own selfish heart!? What about my heart?'
I then went on to tell him that, the reason I didn't divorce him in Summer 2012, is because I felt guilty that he loved me & wanted a baby with me, (even though he also treated me like shit),so I felt I couldn't take that (chance to have a baby) away from him.
In other words I cared about HIS heart, while he cared about HIS heart too! Who cared about MINE? No - one it seems ?
There are some good things he has done for me like he helps me with practical stuff - he's a practical guy. BUT when it comes to me needing him on a deeper level - he just ignores everything I say; fights and argues with me when I tell him what I need from him, and weirdly, ends up giving me what I DONT want or need, while at the same time wont give me what I DO want or need!
I may as well speak a foreign language to him. It's the same effect. I have always spoken to him in plain simple English and said what I want and what I don't want. Quite how he manages to mistake his arse for his elbow, I will never know ?
Quite frankly it's a pretty messed up relationship.
I think my dad's health is part of what me finally stand up for myself. Dad wasn't there to help anymore. Anyway, it was a long road back but nowadays my view of love is far different. If we can't care for each other than I don't need it. I'd rather be single. I take care of me & my kids & my current boyfriend who cares about my feelings and thoughts. Go figure. Idk sometimes it takes a midlife crisis to realize no one is going to do it for you. You must take care of yourself, and find someone where you are true partners caring about each other.
My belief is you work together to make it work, but when only one will work there is only so much you can do.
click to expand
R'ship wise you sound a lot like me. It's so hard caring about yourself without feeling selfish!
I've got to a stage where I actually have nothing to say to him. I'm at home right now sat on the sofa and my husband sat on the other one and I'm thinking about how we just have nothing in common with each other - except our child.
We think differently and it's not even opposites attract. He's Aries and I'm Capricorn. We are two very different people who don't get on.
It's a relationship of compromise.
I realise you have to do this sometimes but it's always like this with us.
I have always cared for my husbands needs inside. He has not cared about my needs even when I end up shouting them at him.
I am sick of having to fight just to be happy on a normal level.
My belief is that when you love someone you want to care for them naturally. It should come naturally.
But I guess some people (men), just want to push push push for what they want without caring how their partner feels.
And as you said, the more we put a mam before our selves the less a man notices !
Posted by RindarooOhhhh yes! Exactly! My husband is the same - telling me what I want AND treating me like I'm Him! Stupidly thinking we are the same person..
Oh boy does that sound familiar. My ex is an Aries too. All about what he wants, and telling me what I want. I guess that's an Aries trait..
Grrr deep sigh..
Posted by RindarooPosted by pooface222With my dad, it was horrible. Hard thing to go through, but far worse for my stepmom. She was a saint through the whole thing.Posted by RindarooJesus! That sounds awful! Especially with your dad.Posted by pooface222I've been married twice, and yes I made them both more important than me, until it was really clear they didn't care what I wanted. They were not giving back, they just ignored me & my feelings if it didn't match with their view. Ugh.. first marriage didn't last long & second one I had convinced myself it must be me since it was happening again & both blamed me. A lot of inside work, therapy, and a support group and I learned I was important too. I had my own choices and it was okay if they differed from his. Problem was he didn't care about my views ( just like you said). Well, my dad deteriorated over 7 years b4 he finally died & my ex had moved me to another state. Talk about guilt.. well I took trips back to LA and did as much as I could. My ex was supportive of my trips, but no emotional support at all.Posted by RindarooI'm so glad you said that about making others mire important than yourself. THAT is my biggest downfall! I just don't seem to learn or stop doing it. I've only had 2 LTR's and in the previous one I made him more important too!??Posted by pooface222It Is very important to remember yourself too. I always thought that if you gave love you would get it back. Especially when the person supposedly loves you. It is not always true. We were together 20 years, and when I started taking care of myself too I was selfish... some people just take & will manipulate you to keep what you give them. But that's my story anyway. I left 5 years ago, and there needed to be a lot of healing for me, my son & daughter. We are all doing much better & are much happier now. He's found someone else to enable him. Seems it has all worked out.Posted by RindarooSHIT! What a b****rd! All that time you spent with him when you could have been happy!
Tough subject. My ex almost died when he was 35. I remember everyone was shocked I stayed. I just couldn't leave him, it seemed heartless. I stayed for 10 years to make sure he was alright, take care of him & the kids. It's the worst thing I could've done to myself. I had to pull myself out of the abyss. He's now 52. Turns out he didn't need me to stay after all... and didn't appreciate that I did.
Ah choices & decisions. We just have to live with them, whether it's right or wrong.
Thats why I stayed with my husband. It seemed heartless to leave with his mum dying. However it also felt heartless staying. Why? Because I just ended up staying BECAUSE his mum was dying - not because I actually Wanted to stay.
So I'm damned if I stay and damned if I go!
Sadly it seems the same situation for you ?
It's so hard isn't it, trying to fund a balance between looking after our own needs - even in the face of death of someone close - and looking after someone else's needs.
It just is really important to not make others more important than yourself. Kids are one thing, but in a spouse/relationship it needs to be a working together, taking care of each other dynamic.
Oh & my father was very sick & dying the last 5 years of the marriage. I did not get the same compassion from my ex. Some but ya know not like one would expect. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. No matter what anyone says.
It must have been so tough for you to have your father dying for the last 5 years etc. I really don't know how you have coped x But I guess you just do cope in the end because you have to if you want to move on and be happy.
I always believed/believe the same as you - that you take care of each other But sadly it seems that I have taken care of their needs more than mine while they have taken care of their own needs.
My husband said an interesting thing a year or so ago. When I told him how unhappy he made me, and how I didn't want children because of it, he said that a few years ago (before I agreed to come off the pill after much pressure from him), he considered divorcing me if I didn't give him a baby. But the reason he didn't say it at the time was because First - he didn't want to emotionally blackmail me. And Second (now this is typical my husband), he said 'I didn't want to have to break my own heart by leaving you' WTF! !
Never mind how I will feel being Dumped & Divorced for not giving him a child! Charming eh? To this I replied 'Oh so you only cared about your own selfish heart!? What about my heart?'
I then went on to tell him that, the reason I didn't divorce him in Summer 2012, is because I felt guilty that he loved me & wanted a baby with me, (even though he also treated me like shit),so I felt I couldn't take that (chance to have a baby) away from him.
In other words I cared about HIS heart, while he cared about HIS heart too! Who cared about MINE? No - one it seems ?
There are some good things he has done for me like he helps me with practical stuff - he's a practical guy. BUT when it comes to me needing him on a deeper level - he just ignores everything I say; fights and argues with me when I tell him what I need from him, and weirdly, ends up giving me what I DONT want or need, while at the same time wont give me what I DO want or need!
I may as well speak a foreign language to him. It's the same effect. I have always spoken to him in plain simple English and said what I want and what I don't want. Quite how he manages to mistake his arse for his elbow, I will never know ?
Quite frankly it's a pretty messed up relationship.
I think my dad's health is part of what me finally stand up for myself. Dad wasn't there to help anymore. Anyway, it was a long road back but nowadays my view of love is far different. If we can't care for each other than I don't need it. I'd rather be single. I take care of me & my kids & my current boyfriend who cares about my feelings and thoughts. Go figure. Idk sometimes it takes a midlife crisis to realize no one is going to do it for you. You must take care of yourself, and find someone where you are true partners caring about each other.
My belief is you work together to make it work, but when only one will work there is only so much you can do.
R'ship wise you sound a lot like me. It's so hard caring about yourself without feeling selfish!
I've got to a stage where I actually have nothing to say to him. I'm at home right now sat on the sofa and my husband sat on the other one and I'm thinking about how we just have nothing in common with each other - except our child.
We think differently and it's not even opposites attract. He's Aries and I'm Capricorn. We are two very different people who don't get on.
It's a relationship of compromise.
I realise you have to do this sometimes but it's always like this with us.
I have always cared for my husbands needs inside. He has not cared about my needs even when I end up shouting them at him.
I am sick of having to fight just to be happy on a normal level.
My belief is that when you love someone you want to care for them naturally. It should come naturally.
But I guess some people (men), just want to push push push for what they want without caring how their partner feels.
And as you said, the more we put a mam before our selves the less a man notices !
Well you know, some people natural care for others and some people can't for some reason or another. For my ex, it really is him unwilling to deal with his feelings. It hurts him a lot. He refused to do counseling with me, his son or daughter. Ignores us all because we don't do exactly what he wants, and then wonders why I leave and now my son wants nothing to do with him and the relations with his daughter is better after her wanting to burn the bridge - it's only better because she's done lots of counseling too & she at 16 is the bigger person. Thing is they have to want to deal with what's going on to make it better. It's sad. For a long time I tried to help him, but as I got healthier he got more controlling. Eventually I learned I couldn't save him. It was destroying me, so I left to save myself. I didn't actually intend to look for the perfect mate lol. I left wanting to be alone. But in the 5 years since, I find myself only dating guys who listen, care about me, my thoughts, my feelings and do these things naturally. I don't have to ask. I also learned that everyone loves & cares differently & as much as they are able. It doesn't help to expect what they can't give. Ah lots of therapy, but it really is about accepting a person for who they are. You & your partner. It's a far better place to be
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So you reckon we should stay together? He is happy to go to counselling but as I have spent years trying to get him to talk, and failing because he won't try, including giving in to his demands for a child etc etc ii just don't think I care anymore. I don't think I have the emotional energy left to be honest.
Like you, trying to save my husband was killing me too. I guess that's why I had a baby. He really wanted one. I didn't - not while he made me unhappy. So his needs won!
Posted by RindarooPosted by pooface222With my dad, it was horrible. Hard thing to go through, but far worse for my stepmom. She was a saint through the whole thing.Posted by RindarooJesus! That sounds awful! Especially with your dad.Posted by pooface222I've been married twice, and yes I made them both more important than me, until it was really clear they didn't care what I wanted. They were not giving back, they just ignored me & my feelings if it didn't match with their view. Ugh.. first marriage didn't last long & second one I had convinced myself it must be me since it was happening again & both blamed me. A lot of inside work, therapy, and a support group and I learned I was important too. I had my own choices and it was okay if they differed from his. Problem was he didn't care about my views ( just like you said). Well, my dad deteriorated over 7 years b4 he finally died & my ex had moved me to another state. Talk about guilt.. well I took trips back to LA and did as much as I could. My ex was supportive of my trips, but no emotional support at all.Posted by RindarooI'm so glad you said that about making others mire important than yourself. THAT is my biggest downfall! I just don't seem to learn or stop doing it. I've only had 2 LTR's and in the previous one I made him more important too!??Posted by pooface222It Is very important to remember yourself too. I always thought that if you gave love you would get it back. Especially when the person supposedly loves you. It is not always true. We were together 20 years, and when I started taking care of myself too I was selfish... some people just take & will manipulate you to keep what you give them. But that's my story anyway. I left 5 years ago, and there needed to be a lot of healing for me, my son & daughter. We are all doing much better & are much happier now. He's found someone else to enable him. Seems it has all worked out.Posted by RindarooSHIT! What a b****rd! All that time you spent with him when you could have been happy!
Tough subject. My ex almost died when he was 35. I remember everyone was shocked I stayed. I just couldn't leave him, it seemed heartless. I stayed for 10 years to make sure he was alright, take care of him & the kids. It's the worst thing I could've done to myself. I had to pull myself out of the abyss. He's now 52. Turns out he didn't need me to stay after all... and didn't appreciate that I did.
Ah choices & decisions. We just have to live with them, whether it's right or wrong.
Thats why I stayed with my husband. It seemed heartless to leave with his mum dying. However it also felt heartless staying. Why? Because I just ended up staying BECAUSE his mum was dying - not because I actually Wanted to stay.
So I'm damned if I stay and damned if I go!
Sadly it seems the same situation for you ?
It's so hard isn't it, trying to fund a balance between looking after our own needs - even in the face of death of someone close - and looking after someone else's needs.
It just is really important to not make others more important than yourself. Kids are one thing, but in a spouse/relationship it needs to be a working together, taking care of each other dynamic.
Oh & my father was very sick & dying the last 5 years of the marriage. I did not get the same compassion from my ex. Some but ya know not like one would expect. It is not selfish to take care of yourself. No matter what anyone says.
It must have been so tough for you to have your father dying for the last 5 years etc. I really don't know how you have coped x But I guess you just do cope in the end because you have to if you want to move on and be happy.
I always believed/believe the same as you - that you take care of each other But sadly it seems that I have taken care of their needs more than mine while they have taken care of their own needs.
My husband said an interesting thing a year or so ago. When I told him how unhappy he made me, and how I didn't want children because of it, he said that a few years ago (before I agreed to come off the pill after much pressure from him), he considered divorcing me if I didn't give him a baby. But the reason he didn't say it at the time was because First - he didn't want to emotionally blackmail me. And Second (now this is typical my husband), he said 'I didn't want to have to break my own heart by leaving you' WTF! !
Never mind how I will feel being Dumped & Divorced for not giving him a child! Charming eh? To this I replied 'Oh so you only cared about your own selfish heart!? What about my heart?'
I then went on to tell him that, the reason I didn't divorce him in Summer 2012, is because I felt guilty that he loved me & wanted a baby with me, (even though he also treated me like shit),so I felt I couldn't take that (chance to have a baby) away from him.
In other words I cared about HIS heart, while he cared about HIS heart too! Who cared about MINE? No - one it seems ?
There are some good things he has done for me like he helps me with practical stuff - he's a practical guy. BUT when it comes to me needing him on a deeper level - he just ignores everything I say; fights and argues with me when I tell him what I need from him, and weirdly, ends up giving me what I DONT want or need, while at the same time wont give me what I DO want or need!
I may as well speak a foreign language to him. It's the same effect. I have always spoken to him in plain simple English and said what I want and what I don't want. Quite how he manages to mistake his arse for his elbow, I will never know ?
Quite frankly it's a pretty messed up relationship.
I think my dad's health is part of what me finally stand up for myself. Dad wasn't there to help anymore. Anyway, it was a long road back but nowadays my view of love is far different. If we can't care for each other than I don't need it. I'd rather be single. I take care of me & my kids & my current boyfriend who cares about my feelings and thoughts. Go figure. Idk sometimes it takes a midlife crisis to realize no one is going to do it for you. You must take care of yourself, and find someone where you are true partners caring about each other.
My belief is you work together to make it work, but when only one will work there is only so much you can do.
R'ship wise you sound a lot like me. It's so hard caring about yourself without feeling selfish!
I've got to a stage where I actually have nothing to say to him. I'm at home right now sat on the sofa and my husband sat on the other one and I'm thinking about how we just have nothing in common with each other - except our child.
We think differently and it's not even opposites attract. He's Aries and I'm Capricorn. We are two very different people who don't get on.
It's a relationship of compromise.
I realise you have to do this sometimes but it's always like this with us.
I have always cared for my husbands needs inside. He has not cared about my needs even when I end up shouting them at him.
I am sick of having to fight just to be happy on a normal level.
My belief is that when you love someone you want to care for them naturally. It should come naturally.
But I guess some people (men), just want to push push push for what they want without caring how their partner feels.
And as you said, the more we put a mam before our selves the less a man notices !
Well you know, some people natural care for others and some people can't for some reason or another. For my ex, it really is him unwilling to deal with his feelings. It hurts him a lot. He refused to do counseling with me, his son or daughter. Ignores us all because we don't do exactly what he wants, and then wonders why I leave and now my son wants nothing to do with him and the relations with his daughter is better after her wanting to burn the bridge - it's only better because she's done lots of counseling too & she at 16 is the bigger person. Thing is they have to want to deal with what's going on to make it better. It's sad. For a long time I tried to help him, but as I got healthier he got more controlling. Eventually I learned I couldn't save him. It was destroying me, so I left to save myself. I didn't actually intend to look for the perfect mate lol. I left wanting to be alone. But in the 5 years since, I find myself only dating guys who listen, care about me, my thoughts, my feelings and do these things naturally. I don't have to ask. I also learned that everyone loves & cares differently & as much as they are able. It doesn't help to expect what they can't give. Ah lots of therapy, but it really is about accepting a person for who they are. You & your partner. It's a far better place to be
Well and when you're at the point where you both aren't willing to work on it, then you have to ask yourself if you are willing to live the rest of your life like this. For me, it took 3 years to leave after I answered no to that question. I did not give up easily lol. I loved him a lot. So it was just hard to leave - to choose myself.
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I haven't loved myself for 4 1/2 years. It was Summer 2012 and I had totally had it with him. I was happier away from him i wish I'd left back then
Posted by RindarooYou are right. He needs to prove to me he can care about the Real me - not who he thinks I am. Though sadly ...I think we've both realised we are wrong for each other.
You can't continue to put his needs first. You need to be true to yourself also. Counseling is different than talking to each other though. Thing is maybe he'd see your viewpoint, and change his 'tude some. Or you would find out, it would never get better.
If it was me, I'd go to counseling. It's like his last chance. Prove to me you care about me - the real me- not just the woman you think I am or want me to be.
Of course, it's your choice. That is just what I would do. I wish my ex had been willing to do counseling. Instead, he tried to stop me from doing it for myself. There is a difference & a glimmer of hope since he's willing to go. Of course, I'm a Sagittarius and there is always that optimistic thing ?
Before I came off the pill, my husband would complain/mention three things to me..
Bear in mind he is a control freak and perfectionist too.
The 3 things are
1) Doing the house work to HIS ( perfect) methods. He was never satisfied with mine. Would nag me to change and would get angry if i didnt. Therefore would re-do what I've just done!!?!
2) Cooking - not really a problem but liked to remind me when it was my turn to cook! I don't bloody need reminding.
3) Having a baby. He went on and on about his need to be a father.
So as you can see, he wanted a 'stay at home woman' to clean, cook and have babies.
I like to go out and work. Can't bear staying at home, unless I'm tired.
I Constantly told him this. That I'm not the stay at home type of girl. I think if I'm honest he has sadly been in denial. In other words he didn't want to admit I'm wrong for him an break up with me. So instead he held on to me and emotionally tortured me instead. Pretending he was happy when he wasn't. But wouldn't talk about it. I should have just left.
He denied me sex. Denied me normal attention. And denied going out on dates with me saying he was tired!
BUT if friends rang up at the weekend to meet up and go out for drinks or dinner etc he was totally up for it!
I'm just the idiot who stayed and put up with it.
Anyway thank you for your optimism and advice xx Really appreciate it. I've got a lot of thinking and planning to do.
Posted by SeraphlightPosted by pooface222I would support him through this tough time.
I have talked about my marriage problems on here more than once - But is different ways/different situations going on.
This is another situation. I have been unhappy in my marriage for about 5 years. Various different reasons. Mainly my husband being very bossy & controlling, very perfectionistic, inflicting all his 'perfect' methods on me, and getting angry if i dont do as he says;and being totally blind and deaf to the detrimental effect he had on me.
This has caused me to have unresolved issues As i could never ever get through to him to stop behaving this way. Basically I SHOULD have left! I ended up becoming very unhappy.
But I stayed to give it one last try Including having a baby. This has made things worse as, my issues have been left unresolved but now I have a child to look after too. And needless to say, my husband hadn't changed and our marriage is now worse!
Anyway..In Nov 2014 when our little girl was 8 months old, we moved house - I didn't want to. I loved the old house. Husband grew to hate it. The house we bought, he loved it but I hated it! LONG STORY. He wouldn't listen to a word I said! Just tried to make out he wants this house for US!
So once we had moved in, we had only been living there 2 or 3 weeks until we got a phone call from his father telling us that his mother had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer!
As if things weren't bad enough between me and my husband! This tragic news comes in and made things even more difficult!
My husbands mother died last year and her funeral was 6 months ago in July.
It was a very difficult time for him as you can understand. But also for me.
I had had enough of my husband and his control, his selfishness, his demands - including pressuring me emotionally into having babies - while completely failing to notice had unhappy he makes me.
So once we had moved into the new house that HE wanted and HE pressured me into buying, I just wanted to divorce him.
Once and for all!
He had bossed me around etc etc for the last time. Failed to listen to me for the last time. This time it was the end!
However..just as I was plucking up the courage to tell him our marriage is over, while having to think of the implications of having a baby to care for (she was 8 months at the time), my husband told me the tragic news of his mother.
Everything happened so fast! We had a baby in March 2014. We moved house Nov 2014 - So a very distressing, maternity leave! Early Dec 2014 in came the cancer diagnosis!
Once the tragic news had set in and the realisation my husbands mum was going to die, that's when I also realised that I now cannot leave my husband.
He was losing his mum. He was grieving. He needed me.
I ended up feeling trapped! We had just moved. I was just preparing to tell my husband it's over but - the cancer got there first.
I wanted a divorce! It was the end of our marriage. He had pushed me around one too many times and this was the last time! This was the end of our marriage.
BUT I could not tell my husband how I felt. Not while he had just had the tragic news. Not while he was grieving!
Hence why I felt trapped.
I ended up feeling like I was just waiting around for her to die, before I can leave my marriage.
I HATED feeling like this! I hated how callous it made me feel. I told no - one how I felt. I started thinking 'Why the hell didn't I just leave him a few years ago, and before having a child!?!?'
What would you do in this situation?
Would you do what I did and stay?
OR
Would you leave your marriage anyway because you just can't stay anymore. You don't love him. Don't fancy him either and he's pushed you around for the last time and now it's time to leave.
I stayed and it's been torture. I just wanted to leave but couldn't leave a grieving husband.
What would you do?
Later when he is stronger. Maybe in a year. I would show him my feelings about the struggles in our relationship. And ask him to make efforts to create a relationship with me in which we can both thrive.
I would be there showing my love for him and all of his family as best I could.
I would try and see the decency in the man. And the vulnerability of him and his family.
And then later in a few months when he is stronger I would show him my own vulnerabilities and ask him to support us. And try and make changes.click to expand
Thank you for your message and its very nice.
However when you are 40 years old and have been with one man since the age of 26 - same age you are now - and you have already seen the decency in him in all the behaviours that made you want to leave him the First time time round, you get to a stage where you are just emotionally exhausted caring for him while he walks all over you, And then his mother becomes terminally ill.
You end up feeling trapped.
So caring for him and loving him best I can and being his 'soul mate and best friend' is not as easy as you make it sound.
And that's not me being horrible.
That's me being angry & frustrated for years, wishing I'd left and discovering there is very little between us with nothing in common.
Have you ever been in this situation? How long was your longest relationship?
Posted by TerramineLightvoidHi ..
To be frankly honest. This is kinda HIS shit to deal with. You know what I mean?
I mean, it is his mom. She was going to get cancer had you been there or not. So life would have dealt him this hand either way.
You can't let this be your problem when you have your own problems. You have to look out for yourself first and foremost. Nobody should have to be unhappy. Especially when you really can point the finger at the other person.
You actually would be doing him a favor to cut it off as soon as possible. Because it is obvious you're gonna come to that decision regardless. The longer you prolong it, the more you waste each others time and delay whatever lessons will be learned from this.
Thank you for your message ☺
I really like the way you are totally direct and honest. No messing about just straight to the point.
I mean I'm not perfect - no-one is. But I have been there for him emotionally whenever he needs me and as I've said before, the moment I need him, he only cares about himself.
The funeral was 6 months ago so now I've got to sort my life out. One way or another.
Thanks again for your frank and honest reply.
Posted by tiziani
My longest relationship ended pretty soon after I lost a parent. I don't feel it should be a reason to stay or leave.
All I can remember from that time is feeling a lot of guilt to the point where I had nothing to draw from to give to others, and I'm sure she didn't either. Maybe if we'd had mutual respect or some kind of friendship and a little more life experience there, but all we had to fall back on was a lot of passion. Eventually all of that was swamped by guilt.
Hi ..I can see what you mean about it not being a reason to stay or leave. However with me I already wanted to leave my husband before the cancer diagnosis. I was plucking up the courage to tell him it's over but his mother's cancer git there first. So out of compassion for my grieving husband I stayed.
You talked about Guilt. I hear you! It's horrible isn't it. Guilt is like a big black hole that sucks you in and everything else with it.
Hi everyone. .
Thought I would update you all. I spoke to a woman today who left her husband for someone else. And she had 2 teenage kids at the time.
Anyway, just like me, she told me that her husbands mother was dying at the time they were still together. I can't remember how long after her illness was diagnosed but I think she said she left her husband about 8 months in to his grieving.
He said to her 'How can you do this? I'm losing my mum!' She said she told him that she is very sorry but she just can't stay in a marriage she is no longer happy in.
I actually wish I had said that to my husband. This is why I started this post; to get some opinions on what different people would do in my (now past) situation.
I always worried about our friends thinking I'm just some callous b*the for leaving my grieving husband. But this lady said to me 'People will always judge. In any area of life, people will judge you.'
And she's right. I'm now lost & confused and actually quite scared.
I've been hanging around in my marriage just waiting for his mother to die before possibly leaving my marriage. But now the funeral was 7 months ago, I just feel so afraid of being alone.
Staying whole she was dying has actually made things worse for me emotionally.
I have put my happiness on hold for about a year and a half while she's been dying. And the effect of that is that it has eaten away at my confidence and now I just don't want to be alone.
Sorry for the big downer everyone ?
Thought I would update you all. I spoke to a woman today who left her husband for someone else. And she had 2 teenage kids at the time.
Anyway, just like me, she told me that her husbands mother was dying at the time they were still together. I can't remember how long after her illness was diagnosed but I think she said she left her husband about 8 months in to his grieving.
He said to her 'How can you do this? I'm losing my mum!' She said she told him that she is very sorry but she just can't stay in a marriage she is no longer happy in.
I actually wish I had said that to my husband. This is why I started this post; to get some opinions on what different people would do in my (now past) situation.
I always worried about our friends thinking I'm just some callous b*the for leaving my grieving husband. But this lady said to me 'People will always judge. In any area of life, people will judge you.'
And she's right. I'm now lost & confused and actually quite scared.
I've been hanging around in my marriage just waiting for his mother to die before possibly leaving my marriage. But now the funeral was 7 months ago, I just feel so afraid of being alone.
Staying whole she was dying has actually made things worse for me emotionally.
I have put my happiness on hold for about a year and a half while she's been dying. And the effect of that is that it has eaten away at my confidence and now I just don't want to be alone.
Sorry for the big downer everyone ?
That should have said callous b*tch
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This is another situation. I have been unhappy in my marriage for about 5 years. Various different reasons. Mainly my husband being very bossy & controlling, very perfectionistic, inflicting all his 'perfect' methods on me, and getting angry if i dont do as he says;and being totally blind and deaf to the detrimental effect he had on me.
This has caused me to have unresolved issues As i could never ever get through to him to stop behaving this way. Basically I SHOULD have left! I ended up becoming very unhappy.
But I stayed to give it one last try Including having a baby. This has made things worse as, my issues have been left unresolved but now I have a child to look after too. And needless to say, my husband hadn't changed and our marriage is now worse!
Anyway..In Nov 2014 when our little girl was 8 months old, we moved house - I didn't want to. I loved the old house. Husband grew to hate it. The house we bought, he loved it but I hated it! LONG STORY. He wouldn't listen to a word I said! Just tried to make out he wants this house for US!
So once we had moved in, we had only been living there 2 or 3 weeks until we got a phone call from his father telling us that his mother had just been diagnosed with terminal cancer!
As if things weren't bad enough between me and my husband! This tragic news comes in and made things even more difficult!
My husbands mother died last year and her funeral was 6 months ago in July.
It was a very difficult time for him as you can understand. But also for me.
I had had enough of my husband and his control, his selfishness, his demands - including pressuring me emotionally into having babies - while completely failing to notice had unhappy he makes me.
So once we had moved into the new house that HE wanted and HE pressured me into buying, I just wanted to divorce him.
Once and for all!
He had bossed me around etc etc for the last time. Failed to listen to me for the last time. This time it was the end!
However..just as I was plucking up the courage to tell him our marriage is over, while having to think of the implications of having a baby to care for (she was 8 months at the time), my husband told me the tragic news of his mother.
Everything happened so fast! We had a baby in March 2014. We moved house Nov 2014 - So a very distressing, maternity leave! Early Dec 2014 in came the cancer diagnosis!
Once the tragic news had set in and the realisation my husbands mum was going to die, that's when I also realised that I now cannot leave my husband.
He was losing his mum. He was grieving. He needed me.
I ended up feeling trapped! We had just moved. I was just preparing to tell my husband it's over but - the cancer got there first.
I wanted a divorce! It was the end of our marriage. He had pushed me around one too many times and this was the last time! This was the end of our marriage.
BUT I could not tell my husband how I felt. Not while he had just had the tragic news. Not while he was grieving!
Hence why I felt trapped.
I ended up feeling like I was just waiting around for her to die, before I can leave my marriage.
I HATED feeling like this! I hated how callous it made me feel. I told no - one how I felt. I started thinking 'Why the hell didn't I just leave him a few years ago, and before having a child!?!?'
What would you do in this situation?
Would you do what I did and stay?
OR
Would you leave your marriage anyway because you just can't stay anymore. You don't love him. Don't fancy him either and he's pushed you around for the last time and now it's time to leave.
I stayed and it's been torture. I just wanted to leave but couldn't leave a grieving husband.
What would you do?