Do I move on or let him (Cancer) have space?
Quick story...Got set up with him who is a 40+ year old Cancer man. He has been divorced from a long marriage and then
battled cancer but has been cleared. Sooo he is already wounded. Anyway, dating was fun, light, and carefree for the first few months. No words telling me his feelings but calling, going out...
Then he would act aloof and if I would tell him I cared, he would get scare and retreat for a day or two. When we talked
about those times, he would simply say he is not ready for any of that and is guarded, scared, and wants to take things slow. I actually got frustrated after a couple more times of this behavior and said I was backing of - did this via text
Not good. This was a set back but worked out. We went on a cruise, had a super time but after that, he was very aloof
again and when I finally got a hold of him he was a bottle of wine in and said he was having a hard time with his divorce,
that it was his anniversary...I freaked out and told him I can't do this and I need to back off again. Two days later, we talked and he was clear in saying he needs space a bit, just wants a companion for now until he learns himself and can
look at the world as a normal healthy guy again.
We saw eachother one more time and it was great per usual. BUT when I asked him the following week to go out, he said he couldn't. The reason he gave me, I thought was a lie. I texted AGAIN and this time broke up. He called very upset and
proved it was not a lie. Then he said ok that's it, youve done this too much. Time to take two steps back. We talked this week and he did not want to give me an answer to whether we were over or not. I needed one. He said he just wants to breathe. He said if he has to give me an answer that we can't go on like we were before. I asked if he will call/text once in a while to let me know he is thinking of me and he said absolutely. He said there are wonderful qualities about me and he is torn but knows he can't give me what I want right now. I am dying over here,,,don't want to break up. Apologized and ended up emailing him telling him I am sorry, I am here, I would like to go back to the no stress relationship we had and for him to take his space.
Any opinions? I am wondering if he will indeed call or do you think he was just being nice over the phone and he is done?
Sorry so long... Signed Up:
Jun 24, 2011Comments: 12 · Posts: 2004 · Topics: 22
How long ago since his divorce?
I would give him some space and time, and don't push anymore. I know it can be frustrating ... the pulling back ... but us Cancers need our shell time. It's how we rejuvenate. We need to reflect in order to grow, and at times need to feel pain to remember our strengths, our weaknesses, and to remind ourselves of where we've been and where we're at now.
I can tell you too, if he's telling you he can't give you what you need that means he does care and he's looking out for your best interests as well. He's in an abyss right now, and has no idea where he's going to land and how long it's going to take to get there. He doesn't want to drag you through that, and knows that emotionally he can't be there for you the way you need and deserve. Additionally, he very well doesn't want that responsibility right now, responsible for your happiness or causing you sadness/pain.
Signed Up:
Apr 07, 2011Comments: 0 · Posts: 1325 · Topics: 0
Sounds to me he is not over his past relationship...I'm afraid that you may very well be in the midst of a rebound relationship...that's what it sounds of...
I would move on from this because you will more then likely not get what you are wanting/needing from him...
Thank you for that reply. It helps. He has been divorced two years. He was diagnosed with cancer right after the divorce and that took a year to clear.
I am planning on giving him a good month and then giving him a call just to say hi and maybe meet for drinks. Not going
to bring up anything but just hang out and chat like we did. What do you think?
Thanks Piran... before he was diagnosed with cancer, he dated someone. Broke it off with her suddenly when he was diagnosed. I really feel he cares and know he didn't close the door on us otherwise he would of said we can't see
eachother again. I am going to move on as far as try not to dwell on it. Going to concentrate on being me.
It is just SO hard not to talk to my friend you know? We also were such good friends. Signed Up:
Apr 13, 2005Comments: 0 · Posts: 44084 · Topics: 685
Posted by sagglady71
... dating was fun, light, and carefree for the first few months. No words telling me his feelings ...
... if I would tell him I cared, he would get scare and retreat for a day or two. When we talked
about those times, he would simply say he is not ready for any of that and is guarded, scared, and wants to take things slow.
I actually got frustrated after a couple more times of this behavior and said I was backing of ...
... he was clear in saying he needs space a bit, just wants a companion for now ...
I asked him the following week to go out, he said he couldn't. The reason he gave me, I thought was a lie. I texted AGAIN and this time broke up. He called very upset and proved it was not a lie.
Then he said ok that's it, youve done this too much. Time to take two steps back.
We talked this week and he did not want to give me an answer to whether we were over or not. I needed one. He said he just wants to breathe.
Signed Up:
Apr 13, 2005Comments: 0 · Posts: 44084 · Topics: 685
Posted by sagglady71
I would like to go back to the no stress relationship we had and for him to take his space.
.... and he is done?
Of course he's done, who the fuck wouldn't be with all the emotional pressure you apply.
Funny how you wish it would go back to the way it was before it was stressful, when YOU were the one who applied all the fucking pressure.
He said clearly, and you even used the word "clearly" .... he doesn't want to be a boyfriend right now and wants to take getting to know you slow. And of course, since you are obviously emotionally insecure .. you keep pressuring him to have feelings for you.
:::: shakes head ::::
Women like you ruin good men. Now that you've ruined it, you want to go back to the way it was ... why don't you use some fucking sense.P-angel
I appreciate your critisism but in 9 months of dating
Someone, I believe any woman would begin
To question the future with that person. I
Know he cares and did not close the door.
In our conversation he stated he knows he
Has been aloof and that it is hard for me.
I am not a needy person by nature but this
Particular man did it for me. It was bad timing
In my opinion. I still hope for something to
Come from this.
Signed Up:
Apr 13, 2005Comments: 0 · Posts: 44084 · Topics: 685
Posted by sagglady71
P-angel
I appreciate your critisism but in 9 months of dating
Someone, I believe any woman would begin
To question the future with that person.
Bullshit ... he has been telling you "clearly" Posted by sagglady71
..... youve done this too much. Time to take two steps back.
His words ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ .... this is his response to you after you pressure him into telling you how he feels about you.
He doesn't want a girlfriend ... are you retarded or something?
Does he need to sky write it? Place it in the newspaper? Get a tattoo saying it?
He wants a casual relationship, probably a fwb relationship and states it .... the fuck is the matter with you?
You would then ask where you stand? Seriously?Signed Up:
Apr 13, 2005Comments: 0 · Posts: 44084 · Topics: 685
Title of Thread: Do I move on or let him (Cancer) have space?
Who the fuck even asks this question?
He needs space from over-emotional women due to struggling to get over heartache ... so your response to that is to attempt to either make him convey feeling for you THAT YOU WANT TO HEAR to satisfy your own hungry heart so it can feed, or to move on away from him?
wtf
If you can't treat him right, then leave him the fuck alone
Listen angel -
U can judge me all you want. You don't know
It all. All the crap I've been thru and how I have
Tried to keep my emotions out of this. I did
Screw up and have apologized. I am on here
Asking people who may have experienced cancer
Men or this situation. I didn't want the rudeness
You dished out. I am a little insecure emotional
Yes. He has become a great friend of mine and I
Want to fix this as a friend. I am asking advice
How. I know what I did and that if I want his
Friendship I need to let go of the emotional
Roller coaster. So again----can u help or not!?
And why the hell u so angry - geez
Signed Up:
Aug 31, 2006Comments: 0 · Posts: 10616 · Topics: 40
"Do I move on or let him (Cancer) have space?"
You let him have his space. Oddly you have to ask this question which means you probably don't have very good judgment nor boundaries when it comes to dating.
You suffocating him, being demand is sure to destroy any possibility of this relationship moving into the next phase. You seem really insecure and your insecurities are potentially damaging the bond your developing and the relationship.
"we talked and he was clear in saying he needs space a bit, just wants a companion for now until he learns himself and can
look at the world as a normal healthy guy again."
So he wants a fuck buddy, an fwb....If you're not cool with that which it seems your not well you should consider moving on to someone whose not pining over an ex.
"He said there are wonderful qualities about me and he is torn but knows he can't give me what I want right now. "
He broke up with you, no need to move on, it's over....least for right now it is.
"don't want to break up. Apologized and ended up emailing him telling him I am sorry, I am here, I would like to go back to the no stress relationship we had and for him to take his space."
No such thing as going back to the no stress, you're not able to do that, you stress out because you're a little desperate and insecure, maybe you should work on those factors first while he's gone, begin to do things that make you happy instead of sitting around worrying about him and being miserable, go get happy and if it's an opportunity to rekindle you'll be a better person for the relationship.
Signed Up:
Apr 13, 2005Comments: 0 · Posts: 44084 · Topics: 685
Posted by sagglady71
And why the hell u so angry - geez
Funny how when people are told something they don't want to hear, they pretend as though it's the other person .. in this case you would attempt to make it sound like I'm angry.
I'm not angry at all .... you obviously can't handle the truth.
Perhaps, this is how you talk to him, and is another factor in why he doesnt' want to be your boyfriend?
Again ... if you can't treat him right, then leave him the fuck alone.Signed Up:
Apr 13, 2005Comments: 0 · Posts: 44084 · Topics: 685
But, of course, like all women who are knowingly in failed relationships and denying it .... you will cling to him, maybe even send off a series of desperate texts to him, and cry to everyone you know until they are so sick of your foolishness that they begin to ignore you.
You mean to find a way to continue smothering him with sentiments he is trying to avoid .... and when you ask for help, that is what you want to have help with .... you want to know how to get him to support your neediness.
Seriously, you don't want help .. you want your psychosis to be enabled so you can continue to drink on his emotions like a vampire
Well thanks all for the input. Some brutal but all
Helpful. I was married for a long time - he died.
This dating thing is rough and yes I am a
Bit insecure. Just scared. But lessons are
Learned for a reason and we are only dumb
And "retarded" as angel said if we repeat them
Signed Up:
Jun 24, 2011Comments: 12 · Posts: 2004 · Topics: 22
No one's retarded *smh*
People come in and out of our lives for a reason. It's either to serve them a purpose, our ourselves. Either way, not everyone is meant to remain in our lives forever, once that purpose has been served people and relationships move on. And everyone takes something from it.
Getting back into the dating world is hard, it's not easy and no one is perfect. Take from this and learn from it, both what you did right and wrong.
During this month you are taking that break, work on yourself and reflect. Don't worry about Mr. Cancer man. It very well could be at the end of that months time, you may not even want to let alone care to reach out to him. Figure out what makes YOU tick, and what makes you happy in an ideal relationship. And also what brought out your insecurities.
Be honest with yourself too, and journal it so later you can go back and reflect on your growth. If you're not honest, you will not grow and additionally you will not get honest results, growth, and answers to reach your own happiness.
Signed Up:
Aug 31, 2006Comments: 0 · Posts: 10616 · Topics: 40
Posted by OceanDeep
No one's retarded *smh*
People come in and out of our lives for a reason. It's either to serve them a purpose, our ourselves. Either way, not everyone is meant to remain in our lives forever, once that purpose has been served people and relationships move on. And everyone takes something from it.
Getting back into the dating world is hard, it's not easy and no one is perfect. Take from this and learn from it, both what you did right and wrong.
During this month you are taking that break, work on yourself and reflect. Don't worry about Mr. Cancer man. It very well could be at the end of that months time, you may not even want to let alone care to reach out to him. Figure out what makes YOU tick, and what makes you happy in an ideal relationship. And also what brought out your insecurities.
Be honest with yourself too, and journal it so later you can go back and reflect on your growth. If you're not honest, you will not grow and additionally you will not get honest results, growth, and answers to reach your own happiness.
+1
You are not a retard nor dumb, you have to get UP TO DATE on dating etiquette and you'll be fine...Signed Up:
Oct 21, 2009Comments: 6 · Posts: 232 · Topics: 22
Any relationship can work, at what cost though. A sag so wrapped up with a Cancer...I never romantically vibe with Sags and typically they don't like to stick around for the long deliberation on a crabs part.
I don't think you have quite ever been calm long enough to let any of him attach to you and I think he is puzzled now. He doesn't feel comfortable with trying to lay foundation for his emotions in you because fire signs are typically such movers and shakers with feelings, while crabs brood and stew in their well. I am sure he could be a good friend, but can you live with that alone?
To cancergemini: Ya we do tend to move fast
When we want something. I have a Virgo moon
And I think that grounds me a bit. He has a
Sagg moon so he has a little fire in him.
I really want to slow down, mostly so I don't
Make a mistake again. I really think I need to
Look at the whole thing, at me, at him, and
Then see. I just hope he does the same. I agree
With your statement about him being puzzled.
As a sagg I have a hard time with space and
Brewing over things. I am really learning the
Importance of it now and how time can help
People think clearly.
Signed Up:
Apr 13, 2005Comments: 0 · Posts: 44084 · Topics: 685
I completely disagree with most of you who would allude to it being normal for a woman to do this to a man due to not having dating etiquette .... understanding a person has nothing to do with dating.
Posted by sagglady71
... he would simply say he is not ready for any of that ...
... and he was clear in saying he needs space a bit, just wants a companion for now until he learns himself and can
look at the world as a normal healthy guy again.
... youve done this too much. Time to take two steps back.
... He said he just wants to breathe.
He speaks clearly, and in simple terms ... her mind can't quite grasp plain english .. that has nothing to do with dating ettique.
What a bunch of bullshit to even attempt to make her think that her mind being fucked up is due to dating etiquette.
::: shakes head :::
And yes, there is something wrong with your head if you misinterpret plain/simple/clear communication .. there is a definite mental block on your end.
You should probably not try and have any relationships until you figure out that it's all on your end ... your mind is blocked, and is therefore not properly recepting signals/messages given to you.
Signed Up:
Oct 21, 2009Comments: 6 · Posts: 232 · Topics: 22
Posted by sagglady71
To cancergemini: Ya we do tend to move fast
When we want something. I have a Virgo moon
And I think that grounds me a bit. He has a
Sagg moon so he has a little fire in him.
I really want to slow down, mostly so I don't
Make a mistake again. I really think I need to
Look at the whole thing, at me, at him, and
Then see. I just hope he does the same. I agree
With your statement about him being puzzled.
As a sagg I have a hard time with space and
Brewing over things. I am really learning the
Importance of it now and how time can help
People think clearly.
That isn't too bad of a pairing for a Moon signs, it's the only way I can see you both jiving together. Sags seem so reactive in a "ready fire aim way" before really grasping the magnitude of some moments or situations. He may really like you intellectually, but emotionally you have left him quite frayed. Let this serve as a prelude to what life will have in store once anything serious really settles in. Are you really in love, or infatuated with a puzzle. Sags are relentless, but I am sure failure and heartbreak are not things you wish to feel in the out come over trying to manipulate the rules of a simple equation. It may be wise to cut yourself off so that you can begin the process of clearing your mind for another romance to preoccupy.Signed Up:
Aug 31, 2006Comments: 0 · Posts: 10616 · Topics: 40
She's been out of the dating game for a long time, give the woman a damn break, no one can expect a person that's been out of the dating scene for possibly years to suddenly FALL BACK INTO SYNC JUST LIKE THAT, she over extended herself too fast too soon, it happens. Take a step back, give the man some breathing room and be secure and confident that his taking a break, needing space has absolutely nothing to do with you and more to do with his need to be independent outside of the relationship.
Harsh.... but get a life, I'm not just talking about work and school and raising kids if you have kids, I mean get a social life outside of him/the relationship, find something fun to do that will give your LIFE MEANING, something that will give you your own distinct INDEPENDENT FUN HAPPY personality outside of the relationship, for example learn to salsa dance, take up a few college courses, take an art class, learn to sing, learn to play an instrument, go on a road trip with the girls, if you're still grieving go to individual counseling and/or find a group going through the same process as you, find the dates and time they meet and go to a meeting that way you can find others that you can lean on so you won't lean so hard on your man so much so he feels suffocated and needs space. God forbid you go out with another man to get a drink or take a nice easy walk in the park.
There are so many things you can do RIGHT NOW, mainly taking all of the focus off of him and putting that focus back on yourself were it belongs, losing yourself in a relationship should be way more of a fear than losing him.
So get busy doing things that add some happiness and joy into your life then you'll see yourself needing him, being dependent upon him for your happiness less and less which actually will help him MOVE INTO YOU/TOWARDS YOU rather than run away from you.
Once he see you're less dependent on him, don't need him for your happiness, he'll be more giving, more open and willing but first you gotta get rid of that NEEDY vibe and the quickest way to do that is to get out there and have some fun, so much fun you realize you don't need him to my you complete nor do you need him to have a great fun fulfilling life.
Tiki- thank you very much for your post. It really
Made me think. He and I have such a nice time
Together and the more I was thinking about it,
Whenever things got a little deep, he would
Retreat. We went on a cruise and I didn't see him
For three weeks after. It was a perfect trip I may add
I told him I loved him after 8 months and then
He got distant again. Sooo ya, I agree - he is
Not ready and I have been clingy a bit.
I'm putting this issue with him to bed and going
To just breathe. I DO hope however that he does
Do what he said he would do and that is call. Hope that
Cancer part of him (seeking out) is true. Again, I'm not
Going to sit by the phone. Lol
Take care and thanks again :-)
Signed Up:
Feb 14, 2012Comments: 2 · Posts: 690 · Topics: 31
Posted by P-Angel
Posted by sagglady71
I would like to go back to the no stress relationship we had and for him to take his space.
.... and he is done?
Of course he's done, who the fuck wouldn't be with all the emotional pressure you apply.
Funny how you wish it would go back to the way it was before it was stressful, when YOU were the one who applied all the fucking pressure.
Women like you ruin good men. Now that you've ruined it, you want to go back to the way it was ... why don't you use some fucking sense.
click to expand
@-P
What the HELL are you so bias on Sags??? How do you know he is a good man & she ruins him?????????? Just full of BS!!!!!!!!!!!! Or maybe...you had been dumped by a Sag because of your too much pressure...so you hate all Sags???
@-sagglady71
It is not your fault!!! But there is something you must know about Cancer men---they would never forget their "first-love"...no matter what happened & how long...
So if you are not lucky to be the "first", then there is no "good" result for you. I don't think you should waste your time on him. I think you'd better find someone loves you more than you love him...and it is always easy for Sag girls
Man is it good to see someone comment on Pangel...holy demon child she is!!!
Anyway, Hello fellow Sagg.. you are right about finding others We do seem to be lucky like that. Too bad we are so dang picky.
I am taking a break from the dating scene and from Cancer guy (thinking so much about him that is). He did teach me something tho and maybe you can relate to this. He tought me to not be so impulsive. This break or whatever he calls
it has really made my emotions calm and helped me see the bigger picture.
Take care! Signed Up:
Apr 13, 2005Comments: 0 · Posts: 44084 · Topics: 685
Posted by P-Angel
Posted by sagglady71
... dating was fun, light, and carefree for the first few months. No words telling me his feelings ...
... if I would tell him I cared, he would get scare and retreat for a day or two. When we talked
about those times, he would simply say he is not ready for any of that and is guarded, scared, and wants to take things slow.
I actually got frustrated after a couple more times of this behavior and said I was backing of ...
... he was clear in saying he needs space a bit, just wants a companion for now ...
I asked him the following week to go out, he said he couldn't. The reason he gave me, I thought was a lie. I texted AGAIN and this time broke up. He called very upset and proved it was not a lie.
Then he said ok that's it, youve done this too much. Time to take two steps back.
We talked this week and he did not want to give me an answer to whether we were over or not. I needed one. He said he just wants to breathe.
click to expand
Once you've smothered the fuck out of him, eventhough he has clearly expressed that he doesn't want to be in a commited relationship ... you then say you want it to go back to the way it was before it was so stressful ... when YOU are the fucking idiot who pushed him to that point. Alls you had to do was back the fuck off and let him breathe.
And now you are asking whether you should move on or let him have space?
Are you seriously that stupid?And now you are asking whether you should move on or let him have space?
Are you seriously that stupid?
Especially when it was clearly stated that he asked to be left alone and so he can 'get a life'
and this was after he asked you to meet with him and you made some stupid excuse as to why you couldnt. Then go and blame him for not doing what you want to do and breaking up with you. If you love him you would have met him and sat down and talked to with him about things not make excuses as to why you didnt, obvious to me you dont want to be with him and its no wonder he broke it off with you for hurting him by not meeting him when you had said you would.
Hes been honest with you all along and you still wwonder about what is going on when its you who didnt meet him and that to him is like a red flag saying that your not serious about him at all and find him a joke, very funny indeed!
If love him like you claim you do then why havent you met him and talked to him and all that? Perhaps you should ask yourself why you havent done this and if you are serious about him then go meet with him or just leave him alone.
Capriquoise: its you who didnt meet him and that to him is like a red flag saying that your not serious about him at all and find him a joke, very funny indeed! I'm not stupid you idiot!
I am not sure where you got that I was supposed to meet him. That was not ever the case. Anyway, I do love him. Throughout out relationship, he was always aloof. Would get close then back off. In 9 months of dating, he made plans to see me about 3 times a month. He never once said he really cares for me --- although he did show it in many ways. I
don't think he is good with his words. I told him I loved him in the 8th month of dating and thats when things
started to really go south. He wasn't calling as much, texting...
I got insecure and clingy. Anyway,,,I sent him a letter a couple weeks ago telling him to take his space and to
learn the world again after all he has been through. I told him how I wish I could of been less emotional and more of a
friend to him thru this but it was just too hard for me. I told him I care deeply and understand. I including another
apology for accusing him of lying.
Haven't heard from him and I am not going to contact him. He is either in his shell as people call it or he has
moved on.
either way,,,I am going to concentrate on my life and kids.
I think and know thats the best thing you can do.