Do long distance relationships work?
This topic was created in the Relationships forum by dummylove on Thursday, April 7, 2011 and has 55 replies.
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LA and London.
- Are there any success stories?
- Tips on how to keep the relationship going?
- How often should we be in contact with each other?
We met in early January, long IM chats almost every day, skyped and he??s been to see me for two weeks already. We both had an amazing time together. We??ve not talked about when we are going to see each other again (he works in TV and his schedule is ridiculous over the summer) but he initiates some sort of contact with me every day. Not the long IM chats anymore, although we??ve had a couple and another skype call.
I??m thinking about forcing a conversation about what is going on and when we will see each other again because I can??t do casual/backburners and especially if I won??t see him until the end of the year.
Thoughts?
- Are there any success stories?
- Tips on how to keep the relationship going?
- How often should we be in contact with each other?
We met in early January, long IM chats almost every day, skyped and he??s been to see me for two weeks already. We both had an amazing time together. We??ve not talked about when we are going to see each other again (he works in TV and his schedule is ridiculous over the summer) but he initiates some sort of contact with me every day. Not the long IM chats anymore, although we??ve had a couple and another skype call.
I??m thinking about forcing a conversation about what is going on and when we will see each other again because I can??t do casual/backburners and especially if I won??t see him until the end of the year.
Thoughts?
I think they can work and do. If, and IF both are willing to put in the commitment and time. Distance is just that, a bit of space in between. I have a couple that I love dearly that started out this way. They are crazy in love, and count down the days to be with the other. That's her man, she's his woman. Simple as that. Both of them are more than willing to go into the waiting period in between times because they cannot bear the thought of being without the other. Something to look forward too, time spent together until everything is aligned and the travel will cease. For good.
As with any other type of relationship if you have unease over something talk it out. By admission his schedule is bananas, but if your gut feeling is suggesting otherwise..by all means find out what is going on. I completely understand about not being casual/backburner/fallback girl. Good luck to you, I do hope the best for you and that things work out the way you'd like them too.
As with any other type of relationship if you have unease over something talk it out. By admission his schedule is bananas, but if your gut feeling is suggesting otherwise..by all means find out what is going on. I completely understand about not being casual/backburner/fallback girl. Good luck to you, I do hope the best for you and that things work out the way you'd like them too.
No, LDR's cannot work.
It is essential for two people to be in each other's presence to feel love vibes .. this just simply cannot be told, it has to be felt.
And if the two people try to meet up occasionally ... then occasionally loved is how you are going to feel.
But, don't believe me .... suffer as you wish.
It is essential for two people to be in each other's presence to feel love vibes .. this just simply cannot be told, it has to be felt.
And if the two people try to meet up occasionally ... then occasionally loved is how you are going to feel.
But, don't believe me .... suffer as you wish.
No they don't work...eventually there has to be a reality check.
If it were meant to be it would come together fairly quickly and it wouldn't be difficult to start asking and answering the hard questions ie: who is moving to be with whom and willing to make the sacrifice.
If it were meant to be it would come together fairly quickly and it wouldn't be difficult to start asking and answering the hard questions ie: who is moving to be with whom and willing to make the sacrifice.
And what if the reality is that both were willing to go the distance. Or one was perfectly able and willing to make the move. I don't think there are any hard and fast rules or absolutes. Purely dependent on what two people want to invest.
All relationships are work, close or far. I don't think you need to be crabbing over who squeezes the toothpaste up from the bottom or picking hair out of a drain to consider it a relationship. There are many faces to one, and it's all hinged on what two people are comfortable with.
dummylove, read this. Or go to google and tap in some things. Research, get others viewpoints, pros and cons. Some you may know, some you've might not considered.
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Long-Distance-Relationship-Work
All relationships are work, close or far. I don't think you need to be crabbing over who squeezes the toothpaste up from the bottom or picking hair out of a drain to consider it a relationship. There are many faces to one, and it's all hinged on what two people are comfortable with.
dummylove, read this. Or go to google and tap in some things. Research, get others viewpoints, pros and cons. Some you may know, some you've might not considered.
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Long-Distance-Relationship-Work
I was.
Didn't work. One person always wants the other person there, the other person gives up there life to be there for the other person. You break up anyway.
Plus the therapists like to call them "Not real relationships"
Didn't work. One person always wants the other person there, the other person gives up there life to be there for the other person. You break up anyway.
Plus the therapists like to call them "Not real relationships"
Well the fact that there's plenty of current long distance relationships going on right now that obviously ARE working is proof that they CAN work. As with anything, when you really WANT it to work, it will.
LDR are def. more challenging & aren't for everybody, BUT it can work if BOTH people (not just 1) are willing to do what it takes to maintain the relationship. Just like everyone can't handle open relationships, the same rings true for LDR.
Liking the hell out of someone doesn't mean that you can handle a LDR. And most people don't realize that they couldn't handle it until it's too late & until they're already too emotionally invested.
Plus, most LDRs eventually no longer consist of 2 people living too far apart from eachother. If the love b/w both people gets to a certain intensity, it's inevitable that 1 or both people will eventually move closer to the other.
LDRs are possible, but they're usually only long distance temporarily. I've never seen a couple that started out long distance & yet 10 yrs later were STILL far away from eachother.
LDR are def. more challenging & aren't for everybody, BUT it can work if BOTH people (not just 1) are willing to do what it takes to maintain the relationship. Just like everyone can't handle open relationships, the same rings true for LDR.
Liking the hell out of someone doesn't mean that you can handle a LDR. And most people don't realize that they couldn't handle it until it's too late & until they're already too emotionally invested.
Plus, most LDRs eventually no longer consist of 2 people living too far apart from eachother. If the love b/w both people gets to a certain intensity, it's inevitable that 1 or both people will eventually move closer to the other.
LDRs are possible, but they're usually only long distance temporarily. I've never seen a couple that started out long distance & yet 10 yrs later were STILL far away from eachother.
I'm not a LDR type of person. Yeah you can't help who you love, BUT you can help where you choose to meet/seek/find potential mates. And since most people in LRDs eventually move closer together after awhile anyways, I figure that I'm doing myself a favor by only looking for locals from the beginning! That way I won't have to worry about whose gonna make the sacrifice & move or alot of other things.
I'm a "let's hang out" & old-fashioned kind of gal anyways so all the LDR stuff like only being able to communicate through text, email or phone would eventually get old. I don't wanna have to fill up my gas take 4 times or pay for a plane ticket just to be able to see you when I want to.
It takes a very secure & effectively communicative person to be able to handle a LRD. Those who are already insecure with the men/women that live 20 min. from them will have twice as many trust issues when dealing with someone who lives 2 or 20 hours away from them.
Granted, in order for LDRs to work, there has to be communication, trust, loyalty, etc....basically ALL the things that regular relationships have to have too. The only difference is that you've gotta work twice as hard to keep the spark alive.
I'm a "let's hang out" & old-fashioned kind of gal anyways so all the LDR stuff like only being able to communicate through text, email or phone would eventually get old. I don't wanna have to fill up my gas take 4 times or pay for a plane ticket just to be able to see you when I want to.
It takes a very secure & effectively communicative person to be able to handle a LRD. Those who are already insecure with the men/women that live 20 min. from them will have twice as many trust issues when dealing with someone who lives 2 or 20 hours away from them.
Granted, in order for LDRs to work, there has to be communication, trust, loyalty, etc....basically ALL the things that regular relationships have to have too. The only difference is that you've gotta work twice as hard to keep the spark alive.
I think too much distance isn't a good thing, i don't see how it can be beneficial for a relationship.
yes...as long as their is a true effort to bridge the gap. if you dont go into it knowing that you/they will move, there's no point.
NO LDR's do not work.
Well let's clarify what do you mean by "work". Work how? Are you just looking for a relationship or someone who you could possibly marry?
Generally speaking, they might be able to work with A LOT of work and patience. Both have to be absolutely commited to making the sacrifices needed for it to work such as; comprising schedules, staying up later or waking up earlier to speak in order to accommodate time difference, the financial resources to travel reguarly to and from Europe and LA, patience to see one another, commitment to not cheat, a whole lot of trust, etc. Another issue is who do two people truly get to know one another with very limited physical contact?
I think it would be one thing if you two were dating and one of you had to move, after creating a strong foundation. However, starting out with a clean slate is very hard. I say this because I tried to do this with a man who lived four hours (driving) away and it did not work. Personally, when I am in a relationship, I like regular contact. The strain of the distance was too much.
I just think LDR can play with people's minds as well. You're not really getting to know the true person in most cases because you are not around them enough to do so...
I think it's a really tricky situation and you should first evaluate if you both are ready to dedicate what it takes to make it work and if he is worth the time, money, effort and resources it will take on your part to make it work.
Generally speaking, they might be able to work with A LOT of work and patience. Both have to be absolutely commited to making the sacrifices needed for it to work such as; comprising schedules, staying up later or waking up earlier to speak in order to accommodate time difference, the financial resources to travel reguarly to and from Europe and LA, patience to see one another, commitment to not cheat, a whole lot of trust, etc. Another issue is who do two people truly get to know one another with very limited physical contact?
I think it would be one thing if you two were dating and one of you had to move, after creating a strong foundation. However, starting out with a clean slate is very hard. I say this because I tried to do this with a man who lived four hours (driving) away and it did not work. Personally, when I am in a relationship, I like regular contact. The strain of the distance was too much.
I just think LDR can play with people's minds as well. You're not really getting to know the true person in most cases because you are not around them enough to do so...
I think it's a really tricky situation and you should first evaluate if you both are ready to dedicate what it takes to make it work and if he is worth the time, money, effort and resources it will take on your part to make it work.
Well let's clarify what do you mean by "work". Work how? Are you just looking for a relationship or someone who you could possibly marry?
Generally speaking, they might be able to work with A LOT of work and patience. Both have to be absolutely commited to making the sacrifices needed for it to work such as; comprising schedules, staying up later or waking up earlier to speak in order to accommodate time difference, the financial resources to travel reguarly to and from Europe and LA, patience to see one another, commitment to not cheat, a whole lot of trust, etc. Another issue is who do two people truly get to know one another with very limited physical contact?
I think it would be one thing if you two were dating and one of you had to move, after creating a strong foundation. However, starting out with a clean slate is very hard. I say this because I tried to do this with a man who lived four hours (driving) away and it did not work. Personally, when I am in a relationship, I like regular contact. The strain of the distance was too much.
I just think LDR can play with people's minds as well. You're not really getting to know the true person in most cases because you are not around them enough to do so...
I think it's a really tricky situation and you should first evaluate if you both are ready to dedicate what it takes to make it work and if he is worth the time, money, effort and resources it will take on your part to make it work.
Generally speaking, they might be able to work with A LOT of work and patience. Both have to be absolutely commited to making the sacrifices needed for it to work such as; comprising schedules, staying up later or waking up earlier to speak in order to accommodate time difference, the financial resources to travel reguarly to and from Europe and LA, patience to see one another, commitment to not cheat, a whole lot of trust, etc. Another issue is who do two people truly get to know one another with very limited physical contact?
I think it would be one thing if you two were dating and one of you had to move, after creating a strong foundation. However, starting out with a clean slate is very hard. I say this because I tried to do this with a man who lived four hours (driving) away and it did not work. Personally, when I am in a relationship, I like regular contact. The strain of the distance was too much.
I just think LDR can play with people's minds as well. You're not really getting to know the true person in most cases because you are not around them enough to do so...
I think it's a really tricky situation and you should first evaluate if you both are ready to dedicate what it takes to make it work and if he is worth the time, money, effort and resources it will take on your part to make it work.
Well let's clarify what do you mean by "work". Work how? Are you just looking for a relationship or someone who you could possibly marry?
Generally speaking, they might be able to work with A LOT of work and patience. Both have to be absolutely commited to making the sacrifices needed for it to work such as; comprising schedules, staying up later or waking up earlier to speak in order to accommodate time difference, the financial resources to travel reguarly to and from Europe and LA, patience to see one another, commitment to not cheat, a whole lot of trust, etc. Another issue is who do two people truly get to know one another with very limited physical contact?
I think it would be one thing if you two were dating and one of you had to move, after creating a strong foundation. However, starting out with a clean slate is very hard. I say this because I tried to do this with a man who lived four hours (driving) away and it did not work. Personally, when I am in a relationship, I like regular contact. The strain of the distance was too much.
I just think LDR can play with people's minds as well. You're not really getting to know the true person in most cases because you are not around them enough to do so...
I think it's a really tricky situation and you should first evaluate if you both are ready to dedicate what it takes to make it work and if he is worth the time, money, effort and resources it will take on your part to make it work.
Generally speaking, they might be able to work with A LOT of work and patience. Both have to be absolutely commited to making the sacrifices needed for it to work such as; comprising schedules, staying up later or waking up earlier to speak in order to accommodate time difference, the financial resources to travel reguarly to and from Europe and LA, patience to see one another, commitment to not cheat, a whole lot of trust, etc. Another issue is who do two people truly get to know one another with very limited physical contact?
I think it would be one thing if you two were dating and one of you had to move, after creating a strong foundation. However, starting out with a clean slate is very hard. I say this because I tried to do this with a man who lived four hours (driving) away and it did not work. Personally, when I am in a relationship, I like regular contact. The strain of the distance was too much.
I just think LDR can play with people's minds as well. You're not really getting to know the true person in most cases because you are not around them enough to do so...
I think it's a really tricky situation and you should first evaluate if you both are ready to dedicate what it takes to make it work and if he is worth the time, money, effort and resources it will take on your part to make it work.
The first question is what do you mean by work? What are you looking for; a pen pal, a FWB, a seriously committed relationship, marriage?
Secondly, are you both prepared to sacrifice all that is necessary to try and make it "work"? Do you even know if he is worth such sacrifices?
Secondly, are you both prepared to sacrifice all that is necessary to try and make it "work"? Do you even know if he is worth such sacrifices?
Hmm the weirdest thing. It says that I posted a comment but I can't see it. Hmmm...
Depends. Are you okay with not having someone there to kiss and hold?
I think it's all subjective to the people who are in the relationship. If you're the type of person who likes to be close to someone or have a lot of attention then long distance relationships probably aren't for you. Also, usually people who have long distance relationships have them in hopes that one person will move to the others state/country. Do you think he, or you will want to take that step if things get serious. And if you do it can't just be for them, because if things don't work out and you or he doesn't have a job then where are you then? Lot of things you have to think about
I think it's all subjective to the people who are in the relationship. If you're the type of person who likes to be close to someone or have a lot of attention then long distance relationships probably aren't for you. Also, usually people who have long distance relationships have them in hopes that one person will move to the others state/country. Do you think he, or you will want to take that step if things get serious. And if you do it can't just be for them, because if things don't work out and you or he doesn't have a job then where are you then? Lot of things you have to think about
Fact = pheromones is what connects people
If two people are connected and not experiencing the vibes .. then it's instinct to look for another connection.
You can use whatever brain cells you want to to try and override your instincts .... but, the only outcome is failure, which equals heartbreak.
You can use whatever brain cells you want to to try and override your instincts .... but, the only outcome is failure, which equals heartbreak.
Thanks for your advice guys and particularly your hope and kind words venusianbull.
Natural - I'm thinking marriage. I'm 32 and can't afford to mess around. I would consider moving...possibly. We're not even at that stage at the moment. Next step is for me to see him in LA but he hasn't asked. My friends say that he feels as if he can't ask as he'll we working all summer and it will be ME who will be taking time off and spending the money. I think that if he REALLY wanted to see me, he'd ask.
I left all contact up to him. He is ridiculously busy at the moment but he still does make some form of contact everyday. Even though most of the time it's through a stupid game that we are playing together on our phones.
Natural - I'm thinking marriage. I'm 32 and can't afford to mess around. I would consider moving...possibly. We're not even at that stage at the moment. Next step is for me to see him in LA but he hasn't asked. My friends say that he feels as if he can't ask as he'll we working all summer and it will be ME who will be taking time off and spending the money. I think that if he REALLY wanted to see me, he'd ask.
I left all contact up to him. He is ridiculously busy at the moment but he still does make some form of contact everyday. Even though most of the time it's through a stupid game that we are playing together on our phones.
Signed Up: Sep 10, 2010
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absolutely they can work
if your heart is true you need not fear the tyranny of distance
no matter how busy one is, you can always make a moment to make that quick call, dash off an email or text or whatever to ensure that special person knows that they are a priority in your life
little things mean a lot
if your heart is true you need not fear the tyranny of distance
no matter how busy one is, you can always make a moment to make that quick call, dash off an email or text or whatever to ensure that special person knows that they are a priority in your life
little things mean a lot
yes they can.
I had one. And have one now. My SO was deployed to Iraq and anyone who is any relationship or marriage with anyone in military will tell you that YES they work - but communication is at it's most, and honestly and sensitivity needs to be there.
good luck, and I hope it all works out.
it doesn't matter if you can live with someone, it matters if you can't live without them - regardless of time and space between.
I had one. And have one now. My SO was deployed to Iraq and anyone who is any relationship or marriage with anyone in military will tell you that YES they work - but communication is at it's most, and honestly and sensitivity needs to be there.
good luck, and I hope it all works out.
it doesn't matter if you can live with someone, it matters if you can't live without them - regardless of time and space between.
Posted by Norcalman67Posted by P-Angel
Fact = pheromones is what connects people.
You can use whatever brain cells you want to to try and override your instincts .... but, the only outcome is failure, which equals heartbreak.
Have to disagree "Today", would not have disagreed 9 months ago.
Agree with connections: Must Have!
Pheromones: Gotta have.
Sexual Match: Have to have
Must come together: Yes
But, doomed: No, many couples are apart for considerable amounts of time:
-International flight Airline Pilots & Stewards, Fire Fighters, Military personal (deployed), Over the road Truckers.
Many of these do work. (Some don't)
Why?
It's all about commitment.
click to expand
Jesus people, use some common sense please .... this isn't about two married people who are commited to each other and finding their work being a relationship hardship that because they have years of devotion under their belt, that they can work through distance.
This is a women who has seen him in person for 2 weeks .. and now wants to force a more permenant situation on him .. she even mentioned marriage.
You say couple in your quote above ..... and they aren't even a couple .. they are a dream in her head based off of two weeks together and talking on Skype.
Get real people
Posted by dummylove
We met in early January, long IM chats almost every day, skyped and he??s been to see me for two weeks already.
I??m thinking about forcing a conversation about what is going on and when we will see each other again because I can't do .......
Comprehend what that is saying.
I thought I read something about her thinking marriage .... I could be wrong on that .. but, still .....
You all are talking about a couple, an already established relationship where their work has them seperated ..... an already commited relationship.
This situation is about a girl who fantasizes about a man she has fallen for who she's been with physically for 2 weeks.
Two weeks ... jesusFchrist
You all are talking about a couple, an already established relationship where their work has them seperated ..... an already commited relationship.
This situation is about a girl who fantasizes about a man she has fallen for who she's been with physically for 2 weeks.
Two weeks ... jesusFchrist
And talking for months. Don't tell me as a Pisces..or even as a woman, you do not understand that mental meeting is also a real and emotionally charged thing.
venusianbull - thank you for understanding the situation!
PAngel - Since we met each other in Jan, we have chatted, texted, skyped or had some form of contact almost everyday. He has across the world to visit me for two weeks and we lived in each others pockets, which was an intensive time to spend with anyone.
This isn't just some fantasy that I've just made up my head. I know that it doesn't consitute as even a relationship! But I think given the distance we've shown (and have said) that we really like each other.
Natural asked a direct question about marriage and I gave a direct answer back about marriage. Yes, maybe he is marriage potential, but I'm just as scared, as he probably is, about thinking about that for now. I just want to know what the next steps are as we haven't planned to see each other again.
I'm going to be direct and ask the question outright about seeing each other again.
PAngel - Since we met each other in Jan, we have chatted, texted, skyped or had some form of contact almost everyday. He has across the world to visit me for two weeks and we lived in each others pockets, which was an intensive time to spend with anyone.
This isn't just some fantasy that I've just made up my head. I know that it doesn't consitute as even a relationship! But I think given the distance we've shown (and have said) that we really like each other.
Natural asked a direct question about marriage and I gave a direct answer back about marriage. Yes, maybe he is marriage potential, but I'm just as scared, as he probably is, about thinking about that for now. I just want to know what the next steps are as we haven't planned to see each other again.
I'm going to be direct and ask the question outright about seeing each other again.
Posted by dummylove
venusianbull - thank you for understanding the situation!
PAngel - Since we met each other in Jan, we have chatted, texted, skyped or had some form of contact almost everyday. He has across the world to visit me for two weeks and we lived in each others pockets, which was an intensive time to spend with anyone.
This isn't just some fantasy that I've just made up my head. I know that it doesn't consitute as even a relationship! But I think given the distance we've shown (and have said) that we really like each other.
Natural asked a direct question about marriage and I gave a direct answer back about marriage. Yes, maybe he is marriage potential, but I'm just as scared, as he probably is, about thinking about that for now. I just want to know what the next steps are as we haven't planned to see each other again.
I'm going to be direct and ask the question outright about seeing each other again.
then that bitch is right. you have no intention of making this real. you fear exploring the mere question of it being real. and therefore, where it may be good now, eventually reality will set in and the relationship will falter.
the reality is, this would be the case if it were local or long distance. if you're dating someone and you're both playing at it, that's exactly what you're doing...playing. you're hiding your true desires which means you're operating on a restricted/false plane. in the end, this will lead to a parting of ways as the true intent was established from the beginning. you don't see marriage as an end-state because you can't.
the only way for ldr's to work is if there is a willingness to bridge the physical barrier. fear, stupidity, rejection, failure aside, if you're unwilling to risk it all for this person you claim to share such a deep and profound bond with, then hey, wake the fuck up cause eventually reality will pay you a visit.
Caligula is right, it is not a game. You have to go into this with eyes wide open and real intent and will on both sides. And this is true of any relationship. Whether it's right next door or an ocean away.
You have to put aside fear, worry, internal issues and deal with what you really and truly want. If it's the other, well. Distance? Time? These have no sway, because your main goal and driving force is each other.
You have to put aside fear, worry, internal issues and deal with what you really and truly want. If it's the other, well. Distance? Time? These have no sway, because your main goal and driving force is each other.
And I do understand, and you're quite welcome.
I absolutely do have intention of making this real if he wants to too. There??s nothing I??d like more, but marriage is a whole other step that is hopefully further down the line. Even though we do clearly like each other, who knows at this point whether marriage is on the cards? Even if we weren??t in different countries it??s only been 3 months since we first met.
Do you really think it??s realistic that we talk about marriage or the serious future at this point? He??ll probably run for the hills!! Isn??t it all a bit heavy?
Do you really think it??s realistic that we talk about marriage or the serious future at this point? He??ll probably run for the hills!! Isn??t it all a bit heavy?
Signed Up: Sep 10, 2010
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I think it is an excellent idea to talk about possible marriage down the track.....this gives him the chance to say
"No way - I never want to get married" or
"Yes, I feel you could be The One and I do see us getting married" or
"I do want to get married when I meet the right girl - you aren't her but you will do until she gets here" or whatever the answer is.
Yes - I know someone will flame me for saying this stuff.
But I feel if you are both going in with the same goal posts in mind you are more likely to last the distance together.
You both deserve to know the truth about how each other feels. Honesty is the best policy and can save you both a lot of time and heartache.
And friendly woolly headbutt to you for having the guts to get the issue sorted now and not wait years to find out what his deal is.
"No way - I never want to get married" or
"Yes, I feel you could be The One and I do see us getting married" or
"I do want to get married when I meet the right girl - you aren't her but you will do until she gets here" or whatever the answer is.
Yes - I know someone will flame me for saying this stuff.
But I feel if you are both going in with the same goal posts in mind you are more likely to last the distance together.
You both deserve to know the truth about how each other feels. Honesty is the best policy and can save you both a lot of time and heartache.
And friendly woolly headbutt to you for having the guts to get the issue sorted now and not wait years to find out what his deal is.
::: shakes head :::
Marriage doesn't matter ... the growth of the relationship does.
If you, or any woman, has a need to find out if he wants to get married down the road, and this information, beit a confirmation or a declination, is a baseline for whether a relationship can even be developed is a fools mission. The only outcome is failure because then you are placing expectations on the other and the relationship, instead of growing a union that was naturally formed.
Because as people develop their feelings, they change.
That's like asking a 3rd grader what they want to be when they grow up and then expecting them to do it.
Marriage doesn't matter ... the growth of the relationship does.
If you, or any woman, has a need to find out if he wants to get married down the road, and this information, beit a confirmation or a declination, is a baseline for whether a relationship can even be developed is a fools mission. The only outcome is failure because then you are placing expectations on the other and the relationship, instead of growing a union that was naturally formed.
Because as people develop their feelings, they change.
That's like asking a 3rd grader what they want to be when they grow up and then expecting them to do it.
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this is interesting P.
I would have thought it was doing the right thing - being upfront and honest and (while we are all being honest here!) because it is something I haven't done I figgered this is where I have been going wrong.
is the OP, assuming they continue into a relationship, supposed to wait wait wait until one day the guy decides he wants to marry her (or decides he doesn't want to marry her and she has wasted all that time with him instead of going out and possibly meeting a guy who does?)
What's a girl to do????
I would have thought it was doing the right thing - being upfront and honest and (while we are all being honest here!) because it is something I haven't done I figgered this is where I have been going wrong.
is the OP, assuming they continue into a relationship, supposed to wait wait wait until one day the guy decides he wants to marry her (or decides he doesn't want to marry her and she has wasted all that time with him instead of going out and possibly meeting a guy who does?)
What's a girl to do????
Posted by ReallyNiceAriesPerson
... assuming they continue into a relationship, supposed to wait wait wait until one day the guy decides he wants to marry her (or decides he doesn't want to marry her and she has wasted all that time with him instead of going out and possibly meeting a guy who does?)
What's a girl to do????
You have the mind-set that a guy is the decision maker .... apparantly women are helpless and terms of relating is left up ot the man, in how you think.
Suffer as you wish.
Posted by dummylove
I absolutely do have intention of making this real if he wants to too. There??s nothing I??d like more, but marriage is a whole other step that is hopefully further down the line. Even though we do clearly like each other, who knows at this point whether marriage is on the cards? Even if we weren??t in different countries it??s only been 3 months since we first met.
Do you really think it??s realistic that we talk about marriage or the serious future at this point? He??ll probably run for the hills!! Isn??t it all a bit heavy?
Take your time, do what feels right for both of you. Enjoy each other.
Does the persons words outwiegh the truth?
Ask away, ask until your hearts content ..... does the answer really mean more than what you should already know from experiencing the person?
Man and woman date - woman wants man to talk marriage - man talks marriage - women is happy ....... man only "talked" for you ... does what he say really mean what his heart beats?
Do you speak accurately for your heart? When I look in here I would say that very few people speak honestly for their heart .... and you would have yourself believe that if you hear words spoken that they are gospel?
There is no decision now that can firmly lay concrete on your path of life ... and if there is one, then you're dead.
Ask away, ask until your hearts content ..... does the answer really mean more than what you should already know from experiencing the person?
Man and woman date - woman wants man to talk marriage - man talks marriage - women is happy ....... man only "talked" for you ... does what he say really mean what his heart beats?
Do you speak accurately for your heart? When I look in here I would say that very few people speak honestly for their heart .... and you would have yourself believe that if you hear words spoken that they are gospel?
There is no decision now that can firmly lay concrete on your path of life ... and if there is one, then you're dead.
LOL ^ Beat a bitch DOWN. Peek-a...who the FUCK WAS THAT?!
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Could be Telly Savalas pre-lolli ( and tanning bed ) too, one never knows.
Posted by dummylove
venusianbull - thank you for understanding the situation!
PAngel - Since we met each other in Jan, we have chatted, texted, skyped or had some form of contact almost everyday. He has across the world to visit me for two weeks and we lived in each others pockets, which was an intensive time to spend with anyone.
This isn't just some fantasy that I've just made up my head. I know that it doesn't consitute as even a relationship! But I think given the distance we've shown (and have said) that we really like each other.
Natural asked a direct question about marriage and I gave a direct answer back about marriage. Yes, maybe he is marriage potential, but I'm just as scared, as he probably is, about thinking about that for now. I just want to know what the next steps are as we haven't planned to see each other again.
I'm going to be direct and ask the question outright about seeing each other again.
I know of 4 couples directly who have met online, made it work and are happily married for years now with kids and the whole deal. Do not worry what other say. Do not believe the Nay sayers. Trust yourself. Trust your gut. And if its worth it, if it feels good - go with it. Net is just another media people meet thorugh now. The beauty of it is that you are stripped of all the physical distractions and you can actually really get into a persons mind and get into their character. You can observe inconsistencies and you can see where things just don't add up.
I say: go with it. Yes, it can happen. I know scores of other people who tried it and it worked for them. I have been in LDR and it works. It can. It takes extreme dedication and trust and strong will - but it works and more often than not it's worth it.
If it's meant to be than it will be.
Email me if you need to talk, I am in a LDR and I have been through separations where my SO was deployed, I have also been previously with someone else who I met online and we have made it work. I have a score of friends who are in my life for years some as much as 15 whom I met online and brought into my real life - so yes. It can work.
Good Luck!
Posted by ReallyNiceAriesPerson
I think it is an excellent idea to talk about possible marriage down the track.....this gives him the chance to say
"No way - I never want to get married" or
"Yes, I feel you could be The One and I do see us getting married" or
"I do want to get married when I meet the right girl - you aren't her but you will do until she gets here" or whatever the answer is.
Yes - I know someone will flame me for saying this stuff.
But I feel if you are both going in with the same goal posts in mind you are more likely to last the distance together.
You both deserve to know the truth about how each other feels. Honesty is the best policy and can save you both a lot of time and heartache.
And friendly woolly headbutt to you for having the guts to get the issue sorted now and not wait years to find out what his deal is.
Amen.
It's like when dating a single parent - kids should be met with soon...simply because if the new person is not compatible with kids - this will be and usually is a major issue.
Marriage and other core values should be talked about fairly early - why set yourself up for years of mickey-mouse relationship that goes no where but just wastes time for one or another and both will be dismayed later anyways?
I don't know if this thread is still going on, but I'd like to chime in for a bit. I am in a LDR and have been for over two years. We live approximately four hours apart. Our relationship is complicated due to other factors. However, we have been through some highs and lows; but I will say that it takes two people to want to make it work. Without the efforts of both parties, then the relationship is nothing.
P-Angel gave some really really good insight because in order to grow, you need the physical part of the relationship. You need to know how this person really is and the only way is by spending time in person. Therefore, this is the only draw back and can stunt the LDR.
We do alot of bbm, email, calls, and short trips every couple of months (not to mention some hot kinky phone sex)! You kinda have to be totally uninhibited when dealing with LDR.
I don't know where my relationship is going but I do know that I like my space so it kinda works for me. There are times where we really do miss each other and its those times that suck!
You have to take it day by day. My guy's advice to me is to have patience and trust. Without it, the relationship is doomed.
Good luck!
P-Angel gave some really really good insight because in order to grow, you need the physical part of the relationship. You need to know how this person really is and the only way is by spending time in person. Therefore, this is the only draw back and can stunt the LDR.
We do alot of bbm, email, calls, and short trips every couple of months (not to mention some hot kinky phone sex)! You kinda have to be totally uninhibited when dealing with LDR.
I don't know where my relationship is going but I do know that I like my space so it kinda works for me. There are times where we really do miss each other and its those times that suck!
You have to take it day by day. My guy's advice to me is to have patience and trust. Without it, the relationship is doomed.
Good luck!
it can work very, very well...until someone calls it quits and says they don't want to or can't put the energy into it anymore.
But it can and does work.
But it can and does work.
Posted by dummylove
I??m thinking about forcing a conversation about what is going on and when we will see each other again because I can??t do casual/backburners and especially if I won??t see him until the end of the year.
People, for the most part, seem to overlook this.
There is what could be ... then there is the real reality of the situation.
She cannot do this relationship as it stands, especially with the amount of time that will pass ... which is causing her to contemplate forcing an issue upon him.
If you read her testimony, she says that he initiates contact nearly everyday (I can quote it after this post), so here it comes to the realization that contact between the two is done by him, assuming primarily because why else would there be a reason to add this bit of information other than to convey that he does the contacting that way with her, so then he should physically, as well.
Once all this information is drawn in my mind, the picture becomes clearer ... he is the one putting forth the majority of the effort, so this is why she would justify to herself that forcing an issue for him to adhere to to suit her, is right.
Posted by dummylove
... he initiates some sort of contact with me every day.
Just that in itself doesn't sound like he is in charge of communication, however, once the aspect of her saying she wants to force a conversation on him about the relationship issue ... then that's when the reality of it begins to have color.
Posted by caligula
yes...as long as their is a true effort to bridge the gap. if you dont go into it knowing that you/they will move, there's no point.
I'm kinda in agreement with this, but I'd also never put my life on hold or put my all into it until we were together. The risks are simply too high.
Just to give you guys an update on this situation....
So, things didn??t progress any further with him.
P Angel was right, the long distance thing didn??t work, not in my case anyway. The main problem was we didn??t have that strong foundation that??s essential for maintaining a LDR.
Since the breakup in April, after the perfect whirlwind which was our romance, there??s been lots of complications, hurt, anger and soul searching on both our parts.
I??m still not completely over it. Even though deep down, I know he??s no good for me, I still think about him a lot and I miss him but I have cut all contact and told him I don??t want friendship. We??ve hurt each other badly in our own ways and I don??t think we can recover from it. I hope one day he will fade from my memory...
So, things didn??t progress any further with him.
P Angel was right, the long distance thing didn??t work, not in my case anyway. The main problem was we didn??t have that strong foundation that??s essential for maintaining a LDR.
Since the breakup in April, after the perfect whirlwind which was our romance, there??s been lots of complications, hurt, anger and soul searching on both our parts.
I??m still not completely over it. Even though deep down, I know he??s no good for me, I still think about him a lot and I miss him but I have cut all contact and told him I don??t want friendship. We??ve hurt each other badly in our own ways and I don??t think we can recover from it. I hope one day he will fade from my memory...
I think it can work if both people are dedicated and truly love each other and willing to make it work.
It can work - for a time. Eventually one or both of you will tire of the lack of companionship, sex, etc. My ex and I did the LDR thing for 3 years. We almost broke up, but I decided to move to where he was and it all worked out. Until we got divorced 7 years later.
I was in LDR and got cheated on more than once. Facebook is a beautiful thing. 
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