Do men need space after spending the weekend toget

This topic was created in the Relationships forum by Jan60 on Tuesday, October 2, 2012 and has 36 replies.
I've spent the whole 2 and half days with my boyfriend on a holiday.
From waking up till sleeping (with few hours break). This was our first time where we had spent the whole days together.
What happens after?
We had a really lovely time together, lots of laughing and cuddling etc Since leaving (he is still there, he was also there to try and finish his project), he has not contacted me once in 3 days.
Do guys just need to catch up on your work/self for couple of days?
Or should I be worried?
I really can't think of anything I did.
On the third day of the weekend I did noticed, he was still pleasant but was less cuddly to the first 2 days...he seemed slightly distracted with work.
I haven't texted or anything because I thought it'd do him good having a little break to concentrate on his work. because I know he was sacrificing his work time to cater me a little. I was very easy going though, didn't demand anything and was happy to just be. But he took me out to expensive dinner, breakfast by the beach, coastal walks, made dinner together, watched movies etc...
But this sudden silence is worrying me a little.
Last time we spoke, I was waiting for my flight back but was delayed so I sent him a msg and also told him that I had the best weekend. He said if I wanted to, I could come and have drink with him while I wait for my flight and he said he was glad I had a good time.
I replied saying it was ok that I had a book to read and also that he should work. Also hoped that he had a nice little break as well.
That was it, haven't heard a single bleep from him...Not even a "Me too"/"I had a good time too"/"Hope you got home safe"

Is this the so called "Rubberband" theory from that book men are from Mars women are from venus?
Also in some way I feel like I'm being tested for possible signs of neediness.
the silence is just really sudden!
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Do you guys get to that stage where you've felt you spent too much of your time with your women and decide you just want to focus on your work for a bit? It's just confusing!!
I've had this before with him. He would be contacting me everyday and just suddenly no contact for a while, and just pop back in and say he was busy. Or if he had been a bit cut about something, no contact again. even to the point that he would ignore my text for couple of days and just say, again, "I was busy".
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If I'm ruthless....??? what would I do?
I respect his space and respect his passion for his work. But I can't help to take it personally and think, may be I did something wrong, may be he has decided that things aren't right...etc
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I wouldn't worry. He'll contact you soon. Just needs a little space. Don't take it personal.
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It depends on the person its not a male or female thing its a person thing. Somepeople need time alone I know I do. I can not be tied down 24/7 I need my space its a personal thing.No matter how much I care for someone I will always need time alone. I think their are many people like me and I do not thing any one sign has a monopely on this.
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Ugh, He could have atleast checked to see if you made it home safe smh. Sounds like no boyfriend to me.
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This is the first time we have actually been away together.
What ever the reason it is, he is sending a very clear message.
- busy
- test me how I would react to sudden pull to test my "steability"
- re-thinking about the relationship
...etc
everything was super fine though...no issues
its 4th day now.
yesterday I sent a message just to check in and say hello. thanked for making my holiday awesome and hoped he would have a lovely week.
wasn't a msg that needed a reply.
No reply, No call.
This is really weird and its starting to piss me off.
What ever the reason is, its rude, juvenile, selfish. stupid leo...
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For the number 2,
If he had discovered something that turned him off during the holiday, with his direct personality
he would have said something...
his last message went something like "oh shit really? its delayed? do you want to come back to mine and have a drink with me while you wait? I'm glad you had a good time smile".
But still, may be something did turn him off and he didn't say anything and was just being polite...
hoping its not though.
this guy is just turning out to be too difficult
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I'd suggest to both give him time/space AND go on with your own life (mind you, just GO on, not MOVE on). Regardless of the status of your relationship, it's pretty clear to me that he does have a life of his own, and a busy one at that, and expects the same of you. I don't necessarily think you'd be coming across as needy or clingy if you tried getting in touch with him again, but this is not about what I think or you think, but rather about what HE thinks. At least at this point.
However, going forward, if he takes TOO long to get back in touch with you, perhaps you'll need to reassess the relationship and your expectations with regards to it, and then try to talk to him about it. Avoid saying things like "I hate how you sometimes disappear for days and can't even be bothered to reply to my messages" and go with something less threatening, like "It's important for me to know that we can still keep in touch even when you're busy. Let's try to find a way for us to communicate even at such times, so that we both get what we want: me, a little contact, you, plenty of time to deal with the rest of the things in your life".
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I have gone through the phase of anxiety -> self blaming -> despair -> anger -> acceptance haha so far.
He is a very intense person, when it comes to work, it is his priority in life.
The "inconsideration, selfishness, forgetfulness, blind-sidedness, preoccupation, personal problems, an emotional or psychological issue... "
sounds a lot close to what is going on.
What ever is happening, I have no proof, he has not said anything so I will not decide what he is thinking.
I'm not a mind reader, if I was I would be a paid psychic.
This thinking, contemplaining, analysing is taking up too much of my own energy.
I really can not think of anything of what I did that would have made this silence to happen
However it still is not an acceptable behavior that I want in a partner. when he does decide to contact and come back,
I believe words will not work.
I plan to do the mirror imaging...
mean while I will decide if I want to be with someone like him.
Still no contact. I have had my phone turned off at night times to reduce my expectations and have been working and hanging out with
friends.
and I like this
""It's important for me to know that we can still keep in touch even when you're busy. Let's try to find a way for us to communicate even at such times, so that we both get what we want: me, a little contact, you, plenty of time to deal with the rest of the things in your life"."
seems reasonable.
however, a question.
I have read that there is a possibility that man can wake up one morning and realise he is not in love/or into her.
Is this true?
That the feeling can hit one day? (even if sex life had been great, there was no confrontation or uneasy moments)
or, that he may have not been happy the whole time I was there but acted like things were great and jolly.
or, after the event has ended men ponder things that had happened and decide that it had put him off that didn't at the time.
or would men react straight to it if something had annoyed them?
or lastly, dudes just think "yeah i spent 2 whole days with her and i made all the efforts to make her happy so now she's settled and I can
go back to my work"
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this is just turning into a thread of more...
"why do men dissapear after having wonderful time together with no explanations!"
its starting to fascinate me.
Should us women take this behavior personally?
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and @ninjafish, no need to apologise. fair call it is frustrating.
I will ask what has been up when the time is right. right now, even if i asked nothing will come out of it! ha!
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You can just call him and ask him these questions yourself. If he wont voluntarily give you closure or peace of mind then go get it. His answers might be vague or not complete truths, but that can also help in turning you off and moving on.
Who knows what his deal is, but he may have had certain expectations after just as you did. I mean, you did blow him off to read a book, so who knows what signals he picked up. Maybe you backing off so he could work sent other signals to him aswell. Nobody knows but you and him, so I personally think you should give him a call.
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Sorry but he's a Leo. Every Leo I've known has been this way. They get busy and lose contact. You call and call...no response. It's just how they roll. Is it selfish? Arguably. I would suggest you deal with it directly like Ninjafish said. They are looking for a queen and not a servant lol
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I know I can call and ask.
I've been with him for a year now and I know by now that he won't pick up his phone until he feels like it.
He will never ever pick up or reply to my text until he decides its time.
If this Leo was a Leo who picked up phone calls I wouldn't be here would I?
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Posted by Jan60
I know I can call and ask.
I've been with him for a year now and I know by now that he won't pick up his phone until he feels like it.
He will never ever pick up or reply to my text until he decides its time.
If this Leo was a Leo who picked up phone calls I wouldn't be here would I?



I didnt get the impression that you were not calling because he doesnt pick up your calls. I thought you were not calling because you assumed he was busy and wanted him to make the first move.
Really, him responding back to your calls/texts when he feels like it seems to be another issue in itself, but I guess his overall behavior with doing things on "hiz" time explains why he hasnt called yet.
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He has always been this way, and this applies to everyone around him not just me.
When he is working or focused on one thing, or when he is with his parents, or at work etc
even if the phone rings or if he gets msgs he doesn't even check it. even if its sitting right there.
If he feels like talking to me, he sends msgs and calls. If I don't pick up or if I don't reply soon he would ask
"whats going on?" "??" etc
Always one sided, on his terms and on his time.
It has been an year now, so I know that if he doesn't text during the day I know he won't be calling me or if I call he will
never ever pick up. he will not be curious. Even if it was an emergency he will NOT pick up or reply to the message.
Ok, 5th day today
I spoke to his housemate who is also my friend. He called me to see how things were to catch up, I explained what was going on. In his reply, he says that my guy probably is just freaking out about work and he is an intense guy its probably nothing.
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Oh, when he is in good mood he replies to texts straight away. His behaviour is very inconsistent.
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Posted by james tate
It depends on the person its not a male or female thing its a person thing. Somepeople need time alone I know I do. I can not be tied down 24/7 I need my space its a personal thing.No matter how much I care for someone I will always need time alone. I think their are many people like me and I do not thing any one sign has a monopely on this.


Great response, I feel and operate this way too. And I agree that is not a male/female specific thing.
Honestly for me, after the 2.5 days all up under each other, I would have been welcoming, demanding, or begging even, for a few days of away time, but that's just my make up...everyone is different so...smile
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Posted by starlover
When men have sex with a woman they back off cos they need time to recover
Women dont, we are energized by sex...men are exhausted by it
If women understood this more, then there wouldnt be so much reason for concern
Wise women begin to understand this *dance* that occurs and leave their man alone. Of
course the best thing she can do, when he does come back after his *break* is to say
"oh i was hoping to have more time to myself ~ darling* Winking



WHOOP, there it is....smile
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Posted by Nicrobliz
Posted by starlover
When men have sex with a woman they back off cos they need time to recover
Women dont, we are energized by sex...men are exhausted by it
If women understood this more, then there wouldnt be so much reason for concern...
Wise women begin to understand this *dance* that occurs and leave their man alone. Of
course the best thing she can do, when he does come back after his *break* is to say
"oh i was hoping to have more time to myself ~ darling*
Winking


What a load of absolute bullocks! No wonder you women have so much problems with men...
click to expand


Totally agreed...immature bullshit
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He texted. after 5 days.
No explanation of his silence. just basically replied to my text I sent 2 days ago and hopes Im well?
I didn't reply I dont feel like pondering about it at the moment I have work to do...
But still confused as to how to react to this?
I don't think there's a hurry in acting on things...
Inconsistent behaviour is very difficult to handle and I'm rethinking my future with this man
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This is what happens when you go to visit to sleep with someone. You mentioned distance/travel. Is this an online thing?
Was the communication prior to this consistent as well?
Regardless, the others have brought up a good point- making you wait that long to communicate is rude and inconsiderate and speaks volumes of what they think of you. You obviously aren't much to them if they can't be bothered to communicate in a timely manner.
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Posted by Jan60
this is just turning into a thread of more...
"why do men dissapear after having wonderful time together with no explanations!"




There's no evidence in his actions which even remotely suggest that he had a wonderful time together with you.
You have taken your perception of events, and applied them to him, when it is obvious that by virtue of his actions .. he does NOT feel the way you are projecting onto him, based on how you feel.


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Posted by starlover
Wise women begin to understand this *dance* that occurs and leave their man alone. Of
course the best thing she can do, when he does come back after his *break* is to say
"oh i was hoping to have more time to myself ~ darling*




wow

What a manipulator
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Posted by Jan60
He texted. after 5 days.
No explanation of his silence. just basically replied to my text I sent 2 days ago and hopes Im well?
I didn't reply I dont feel like pondering about it at the moment I have work to do...
But still confused as to how to react to this?
I don't think there's a hurry in acting on things...
Inconsistent behaviour is very difficult to handle and I'm rethinking my future with this man



Obviously, he is merely reacting/responding within the terms of the relationship when he doesn't respond to your texts, considering that you, yourself, said above that you didn't feel like thinking about this at the moment because you have work to do.

Goose and Ganders, you know.

You made this thread with the intention of slamming him because he is ignoring you, and leaving you to feel as if you aren't a priority to him .... then you turn around and do the same thing back. And you did NOT say or allude to that you do this to teach him a lesson, to do to him what he does to you. Nope, you made no answer to insinuate in any way whatsoever that you aren't responding to him to make him feel how you feel.

You say .... "I don't feel like pondering about it at the moment I have work to do" ... which is blowing him off because you don't feel like talking to him.

Seriously .... you're a douchebag
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Thanks everyone!
Nicrobliz, Beautifulsoul74: loved your male perspectives, and good on you for dumping that girl!
Ninjafish, Starlover: thanks for your kind support and sensitivity!
rockyroadicecream: he lives in the same city as me. he went up north to his parents place for holiday (well, to finish off his album which is his life dream and to surf. his parents live on the beach.)
we had a rocky patch which was getting better but he still left alone to his parents place. He is a strong believer in not trusting things are all well and changed until the new state continues for a long time in consistency. However, I told him I'll come up if he ends up changing his mind while he was up north, which he did and I went. Made lots of effort to cater me while i was there, everything was lovely then soon as I came back the communication was cut off. hence the freaking out, have i done something, is he having second thoughts (since things were improving from a sucky situation)...etc
I waste my time pondering for 5 days to get a short msg without apologies or explanation.
Yes, this isn't the first time this leo has done this.
however, more readings I do, I'm finding that it was also me who allowed this sort of behaviour to happen!
when he first did it, i ws just so confused and scared of losing him i wellcomed him with me open arms! without calling on the sucky behaviour!
That I was rewarding his bad behaviour with attention and adoration!!! Hence I'm the one who allowed this open door crap where he thinks he can just waltz in and out as he pleases!!!
I am so effing done with it. and me telling him my issue won't work, since silence is passive aggressive behaviour.
He will just say, whats your problem? whats with the drama? i just needed some space? you cant even handle that? and agan, it will just be turned into my problem.
so this time, I'm gonna do what men do.
DO instead of TALK.
mirror imaging, I am not replying to that rediculous message!
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Posted by Jan60


however, more readings I do, I'm finding that it was also me who allowed this sort of behaviour to happen!
when he first did it, i ws just so confused and scared of losing him i wellcomed him with me open arms! without calling on the sucky behaviour!
That I was rewarding his bad behaviour with attention and adoration!!! Hence I'm the one who allowed this open door crap where he thinks he can just waltz in and out as he pleases!!!
I am so effing done with it. and me telling him my issue won't work, since silence is passive aggressive behaviour.
He will just say, whats your problem? whats with the drama? i just needed some space? you cant even handle that? and agan, it will just be turned into my problem.





This ^^^ is where we go wrong all the time, we set the pattern to allow their behaviour...when we start to recognise this we can stand up and change the course for ourselves. Glad through all the advice you were able to work this out, now I hope you have the strength to see it through! Winking
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hahahahhaha Starlover, don't bother...think that's just her style , which I've noticed in other threads :p
P-angel, did you actually have other reactions or advises at all? something that you might do different that has helped you
keep down loving men in your life :p
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Posted by Jan60

rockyroadicecream: he lives in the same city as me. he went up north to his parents place for holiday (well, to finish off his album which is his life dream and to surf. his parents live on the beach.)
we had a rocky patch which was getting better but he still left alone to his parents place. He is a strong believer in not trusting things are all well and changed until the new state continues for a long time in consistency. However, I told him I'll come up if he ends up changing his mind while he was up north, which he did and I went. Made lots of effort to cater me while i was there, everything was lovely then soon as I came back the communication was cut off. hence the freaking out, have i done something, is he having second thoughts (since things were improving from a sucky situation)...etc
I waste my time pondering for 5 days to get a short msg without apologies or explanation.




Unfortunately, in my experience with several Leos, is that they can tend to be very self serving. They sorta only bother if they're getting something out of it in the long run. I can't help but wonder if him having you go up was a way for him not to be alone. The rest was common courtesy (wining and dining).
Just from the things you've mentioned, he sounds rather self absorbed, which is yet another thing that Leos are notorious for. It's not necessarily malicious, just something that ties in with the infamous Leo ego.
At least you've realized where you could have done differently and good for you for not putting up with that shit. Women need to learn to do that more often. We are in a society that is still very male oriented with the perpetuation of women catering to men's bs all too often because of the influence of popular media. So when a woman stands up for herself, some guys just don't know wtf to do because they're so used to getting away with way too much, too often. No need to be a raging bitch or anything, but it's definitely not a bad thing to put them in their place when necessary.
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^^^^ "men need women to show them how to behave a lot of the time"
Now this I honestly agree with. Would actually be idea if they receive the training from mommy whilst they are still youngsters, but hey, it doesn't always happen like this, in which case, believe it or not, every time we women do or do not accept certain behavior, we are indeed teaching men how to treat us/behave.
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Posted by SoooGem
^^^^ "men need women to show them how to behave a lot of the time"
Now this I honestly agree with. Would actually be idea if they receive the training from mommy whilst they are still youngsters, but hey, it doesn't always happen like this, in which case, believe it or not, every time we women do or do not accept certain behavior, we are indeed teaching men how to treat us/behave.



Unfortunately, them getting away with shit starts with mommy. You got that whole mommy/son thing and women tend to coddle their sons too often. Not all, though. I know of women who do the opposite because they don't want their son growing up to be a dick. But unfortunately, it happens a tad too often when mom coddles son.
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He has been consistently inconsistent in his behaviour/communications with you for a year now, there is nothing wrong with that - in his mind - as you have allowed it for a year now. If you don't like it you should either end the relationship or tell him straight out that you are not happy with it. He's not a mind reader, he responds to actions and reactions just like any other person.
and for the record, as a Leo, if I am properly into someone the strength of my busyness would NOT stop me from contacting them. If i'm not properly into them then they wouldn't be on the high priority list of things to do that day.
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Updates?
So this time, when he pulled back for what ever the reason, I pulled right back.
He wanted space? I gave him the universe.
I've learn to leave a man alone.
I heard that he came back on saturday but I didn't contact him.
I figured he would've contacted me if he wanted to like always. (as a Leo, he's never been the receiver more the pursuer)
Mean while, I just moved on with rest of my life. Without contacting.
He rang today after work which I missed.
I would've usually called back eagerly but I also figured, if there was something important, he would've left a message/texted/called again.
So I didn't call back.
Finally....I get a message before I get a sleep asking if everything is ok? and asking me how I'm doing.
well, thats how it went.
I've decided not to emotionally invest more unless there's a certainty.
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Final update!
Because I gave him the galaxy he came back stronger and more loving then EVER!
But I'm not gonna be swept off it, I've learned my lessons and I'm focusing on being my own individual.
He took me out to fancy dinner last night and wanted to come back and stay with me but I reeeeally had work to do, deadline is soon so I said no in a very nice way, he was so taken back! he said he feels so denied (in a very cute way) that I've never denied him before, then a moment later he added "good on you" in a very respective way.
He is also taking me out sat night to a show I said I would organise and get the ticket since I know he is not good at that stuff. when he gets busy he just doesn't think about other things so we agreed a while back that I would book things. he said he really wants to take me out and gave me his credit card details! He is making future plans with me (not weekend future plans, future future plans e.g. saving money together etc...)
Also! He's changed his opinion about me as well. As a Leo, boy he sticks to his opinions and I thought It'd never change!
He would always use the phrase "you are like this, that" He said "You were....You used to be"
I'm glad I came here to vent about things phew!
I've been showing consistency in being a mature person, this time was hard because it was little over a week! but it was worth it.
So thanks everyone!
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Good on you Jan60! :-)
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