mslayde
@mslayde
12 Years
Comments: 0 · Posts: 32 · Topics: 9
Does this man have me on tap...WWYD?
On tap? Heh
If you have to ask, it's probably yes.
If you have to ask, it's probably yes.
Beware of catching feelings for anyone who says "not ready for a relationship". He may just want to keep it in the friend zone.
Honestly, this moving in thing sounds weird - like an arrangement of convenience.
Honestly, this moving in thing sounds weird - like an arrangement of convenience.
1st off, if you're asking if you should be the "stand by" chick, my answer would be NO.
Unless you 2 have agreed to be exclusive (mentally & sexually) AND to work towards being in a relationship eventually, you'd be a fool to put all your eggs in his basket.
If you give him everything, he will have no reason to commit to you. Right now he's downloading all of your software for free. You're making the chances of him actually buying the software 1 day, decrease dramatically.
To be fair, just b/c someone isn't ready for a relationship now doesn't mean that they'll never be ready eventually. If anything, it's a lot more respectable when a man is honest about the fact that he can't offer you commitment vs. the men who aren't upfront, wheel you in & then break the news months/years later after you've already sold your soul to him.
The problem is that a man who's already getting all the benefits of a relationship w/o actually having to be in one might use the "I'm not ready" excuse forever. Often times, it's not until the woman has an epiphany 1 day that she's wasted 2 years of her life that she can't get back on a man who took advantage of her b/c she was dumb enough to wait forever, that she'll wake up, get smart & decide to run for the hills.
Play your cards right. There's nothing wrong with entertaining him but don't get too emotionally attached. When a man tells you he's emotionally unavailable or not ready for commitment that is NOT code for "Get closer to him."
Be honest with yourself. If you want a commitment, own that. There is nothing wrong, uncommon or unusual about that. It's perfectly understandable that a woman would want to end up committed to the guy she just gave a bunch of her time/body/energy to. However, it's gonna be hard to get sympathy if you realize later that you shouldn't have waited IF the guy told you upfront that what you wanted (commitment) was NOT anything he was willing to offer now or any time soon.
If you choose to continue entertaining him, that's on you. But if this all blows up in your face, remember that you knew. And he'll be able to say that he told you so.
He is NOT your man. All the sex, fun nights in the world & bills he's paying for you still won't change that fact. If he is not your man, he should not be getting "boyfriend" treatment.
You know good & well that if 1 or 2 years pass by with you still not having a commitment that you'll be pissed off, feeling used & taken advantage of.
Unless you 2 have agreed to be exclusive (mentally & sexually) AND to work towards being in a relationship eventually, you'd be a fool to put all your eggs in his basket.
If you give him everything, he will have no reason to commit to you. Right now he's downloading all of your software for free. You're making the chances of him actually buying the software 1 day, decrease dramatically.
To be fair, just b/c someone isn't ready for a relationship now doesn't mean that they'll never be ready eventually. If anything, it's a lot more respectable when a man is honest about the fact that he can't offer you commitment vs. the men who aren't upfront, wheel you in & then break the news months/years later after you've already sold your soul to him.
The problem is that a man who's already getting all the benefits of a relationship w/o actually having to be in one might use the "I'm not ready" excuse forever. Often times, it's not until the woman has an epiphany 1 day that she's wasted 2 years of her life that she can't get back on a man who took advantage of her b/c she was dumb enough to wait forever, that she'll wake up, get smart & decide to run for the hills.
Play your cards right. There's nothing wrong with entertaining him but don't get too emotionally attached. When a man tells you he's emotionally unavailable or not ready for commitment that is NOT code for "Get closer to him."
Be honest with yourself. If you want a commitment, own that. There is nothing wrong, uncommon or unusual about that. It's perfectly understandable that a woman would want to end up committed to the guy she just gave a bunch of her time/body/energy to. However, it's gonna be hard to get sympathy if you realize later that you shouldn't have waited IF the guy told you upfront that what you wanted (commitment) was NOT anything he was willing to offer now or any time soon.
If you choose to continue entertaining him, that's on you. But if this all blows up in your face, remember that you knew. And he'll be able to say that he told you so.
He is NOT your man. All the sex, fun nights in the world & bills he's paying for you still won't change that fact. If he is not your man, he should not be getting "boyfriend" treatment.
You know good & well that if 1 or 2 years pass by with you still not having a commitment that you'll be pissed off, feeling used & taken advantage of.
If you can't afford to have that moment, then stop yourself now. You're in that moment when a lot of women mess up. All the signals point to her needing to backup but instead of listening, they see his unavailability as code for stick around and up the anty on benefits.
Don't give him anything that you can't afford to NOT get back persay you look up in 6 months or a year and still DON'T have the title. If that means time, sex, money, access to your personal space/home, feelings, etc. then so be it. Don't ever lend something that you can't afford to not get back.
If you want to date other people, do so. I highly doubt that you're the only woman he's been intimate with for 2 years, and before you deny that, remember that most men won't tell you if that were true anyways. He's not your man & you 2 aren't exclusive, so technically he's not obligated to turn himself away from any new potential prospects that may come his way. If his emotional or sexual loyalty isn't to you & you only, then yours shouldn't be to him.
And yes, I think he's leading you on. He's not going to be the 1 to cut things off & stop taking benefits from you. You're giving him benefits, free booty & free access to everything that a lot of men only get once they've committed. It'll be up to YOU to read between the lines & stop him from using you. Why? B/c no one can use you without your consent. So if you're waiting on him to suddenly pull you to the side & say, "Baby, I'm dead wrong for using all your fuel knowing good & damn well that I've already friend-zoned you, so I think we should end this," then you'll be waiting forever! Not gonna happen
If your gut is telling you that he's probably leading you on (not maliciously, but just in the way most people naturally do when someone gives them open access to take advantage of a person), then listen to your gut, don't argue with it, & plan your next move accordingly
Don't give him anything that you can't afford to NOT get back persay you look up in 6 months or a year and still DON'T have the title. If that means time, sex, money, access to your personal space/home, feelings, etc. then so be it. Don't ever lend something that you can't afford to not get back.
If you want to date other people, do so. I highly doubt that you're the only woman he's been intimate with for 2 years, and before you deny that, remember that most men won't tell you if that were true anyways. He's not your man & you 2 aren't exclusive, so technically he's not obligated to turn himself away from any new potential prospects that may come his way. If his emotional or sexual loyalty isn't to you & you only, then yours shouldn't be to him.
And yes, I think he's leading you on. He's not going to be the 1 to cut things off & stop taking benefits from you. You're giving him benefits, free booty & free access to everything that a lot of men only get once they've committed. It'll be up to YOU to read between the lines & stop him from using you. Why? B/c no one can use you without your consent. So if you're waiting on him to suddenly pull you to the side & say, "Baby, I'm dead wrong for using all your fuel knowing good & damn well that I've already friend-zoned you, so I think we should end this," then you'll be waiting forever! Not gonna happen
If your gut is telling you that he's probably leading you on (not maliciously, but just in the way most people naturally do when someone gives them open access to take advantage of a person), then listen to your gut, don't argue with it, & plan your next move accordingly
Krysrenee7, thank you very much for your thorough reply...I thought about this so much I no longer can recall what my gut said
We meet two years but trust me, we weren't together or anything. I was dating people (and I'm still doing so) and like you said he probably was too. He was someone I that I talked to and someone I was able to rely on when I needed help although there were never anything major. Well, last week I explained to him that I couldn't be in a relationship now either b/c we're in two different states and I'm not trying to be in insecure mode. I told him I enjoyed his company and everything but right now isn't good; however, do know when I get back home and settled, I will be looking for more if we are still talking. And I told him to let me know at that night if he knew I wasn't someone he could see himself with and we could con't simply being friends. That's when he stated he adored me and that he just wasn't ready right now. Nevertheless, WE did agree to con't getting to know one another on this level.
His decision to move in, my best friends says was a territorial move and I agree b/c nobody mentioned anything during that conversation about him moving in the house, and that's what made question everything (we agreed to go with the flow, you know i'm going to want more when i get home, and you follow-up w/ I'm going to rent your place). But to be honest, he said he'll move in this June...i wouldn't be surprise if it was just a stalling tactic so I don't actively search for male tenants. Nevertheless, I'm not letting it go to my head. I'm just trying to be logical here and makes sense of all this. More importantly, if he does move in I realize I will have to pull back, granted I don't live there ( I come home and see him about once every 3 or 4 weeks; my way ensuring I don't fall too hard and quickly) I do know more is going have to be established as in... on the weekends I come home will I find you in the other bedroom or in mine, just for example.
I know this was a remedial inquiry but i've met and can spot the wolves in sheeps clothing but this one here...I tell ya he found a damn good seamstress if he's a wolf.
Again thanks for the perspective everyone
We meet two years but trust me, we weren't together or anything. I was dating people (and I'm still doing so) and like you said he probably was too. He was someone I that I talked to and someone I was able to rely on when I needed help although there were never anything major. Well, last week I explained to him that I couldn't be in a relationship now either b/c we're in two different states and I'm not trying to be in insecure mode. I told him I enjoyed his company and everything but right now isn't good; however, do know when I get back home and settled, I will be looking for more if we are still talking. And I told him to let me know at that night if he knew I wasn't someone he could see himself with and we could con't simply being friends. That's when he stated he adored me and that he just wasn't ready right now. Nevertheless, WE did agree to con't getting to know one another on this level.
His decision to move in, my best friends says was a territorial move and I agree b/c nobody mentioned anything during that conversation about him moving in the house, and that's what made question everything (we agreed to go with the flow, you know i'm going to want more when i get home, and you follow-up w/ I'm going to rent your place). But to be honest, he said he'll move in this June...i wouldn't be surprise if it was just a stalling tactic so I don't actively search for male tenants. Nevertheless, I'm not letting it go to my head. I'm just trying to be logical here and makes sense of all this. More importantly, if he does move in I realize I will have to pull back, granted I don't live there ( I come home and see him about once every 3 or 4 weeks; my way ensuring I don't fall too hard and quickly) I do know more is going have to be established as in... on the weekends I come home will I find you in the other bedroom or in mine, just for example.
I know this was a remedial inquiry but i've met and can spot the wolves in sheeps clothing but this one here...I tell ya he found a damn good seamstress if he's a wolf.
Again thanks for the perspective everyone
LOL I mean hey, not all people are bad liars. Some people deserve Oscars for their acting ability that is virtually impossible to see through sometimes.
I don't think he's a bad guy. If anything, I think you're being passive-aggressive and slightly dishonest with yourself about this whole commitment thing. It seems odd & ironic to me that you're questioning whether or not he'll ever commit to you when just beforehand you talked about not wanting a commitment anyways. It's like hmmm...why is that weighing heavily on your mind so much if neither of you supposedly don't want it in the 1st place. See what I'm saying?!
The reason I told you to use your gut was b/c 9 times out of 10, if you even have to ask, your gut has already given you the answer, OR if you even have to ask, that's your clue that something isn't quite right. Doesn't mean that he's a bad guy or that he's up to no good, but nonetheless, that there's a big possibility that 1 or both of you aren't totally being 100% honest here.
Don't let him move in your house. He doesn't want to move in so that he can be nearer to you. He's either doing this as a territorial move, to save money or to get a little more benefits from you.
If he moves in you know good & damn well that your feelings for him will go up a few notches! lol It's only natural. If you allow him to move in, you're putting yourself in a situation where you are more likely to gain an emotional attraction to him that he's already warned you not to develop.
Don't just say yes just for the hell of being nice. If you need an immediate roommate then stick to your original plan & go find one. Don't let this guy who's not your man & who may not ever even move in at all, call the shots & make those kinds of decisions for you...idc if he's claiming it's for a noble reason in the sake of friendship.
Of course I could be wrong, but my opinion is that he's not the sheep that you think he is. You are waaaaaay more in danger of growing feelings for him than he is for you, which puts you at the biggest disadvantage b/c you're the 1 most likely to get hurt in the end. Once feelings grow, expectations come with them. Everybody swears they won't, but when they finally come, emotion & wishful thinking take over. Realistically.
If your goal is for you to stay close enough to keep his friendship but far enough away to prevent yourself from getting too emotionally invested then don't let this guy move in your house.
I don't think he's a bad guy. If anything, I think you're being passive-aggressive and slightly dishonest with yourself about this whole commitment thing. It seems odd & ironic to me that you're questioning whether or not he'll ever commit to you when just beforehand you talked about not wanting a commitment anyways. It's like hmmm...why is that weighing heavily on your mind so much if neither of you supposedly don't want it in the 1st place. See what I'm saying?!
The reason I told you to use your gut was b/c 9 times out of 10, if you even have to ask, your gut has already given you the answer, OR if you even have to ask, that's your clue that something isn't quite right. Doesn't mean that he's a bad guy or that he's up to no good, but nonetheless, that there's a big possibility that 1 or both of you aren't totally being 100% honest here.
Don't let him move in your house. He doesn't want to move in so that he can be nearer to you. He's either doing this as a territorial move, to save money or to get a little more benefits from you.
If he moves in you know good & damn well that your feelings for him will go up a few notches! lol It's only natural. If you allow him to move in, you're putting yourself in a situation where you are more likely to gain an emotional attraction to him that he's already warned you not to develop.
Don't just say yes just for the hell of being nice. If you need an immediate roommate then stick to your original plan & go find one. Don't let this guy who's not your man & who may not ever even move in at all, call the shots & make those kinds of decisions for you...idc if he's claiming it's for a noble reason in the sake of friendship.
Of course I could be wrong, but my opinion is that he's not the sheep that you think he is. You are waaaaaay more in danger of growing feelings for him than he is for you, which puts you at the biggest disadvantage b/c you're the 1 most likely to get hurt in the end. Once feelings grow, expectations come with them. Everybody swears they won't, but when they finally come, emotion & wishful thinking take over. Realistically.
If your goal is for you to stay close enough to keep his friendship but far enough away to prevent yourself from getting too emotionally invested then don't let this guy move in your house.
You right, I am being somewhat dishonest with myself...i'm just trying to be logical, find out his agenda w/o him feeling like i'm pressuring him when I just want to see if all we're doing has a purpose and/or get him to be real with me.
Thanks for the advice, I'll provide the follow-up info in a few months, lol...take care.
Thanks for the advice, I'll provide the follow-up info in a few months, lol...take care.
Join the Conversation. Explore Yourself. Connect with Others.
Discover insights, swap stories, and find people. dxpnet is where experiences turn into understanding.
Create Your Free Account →Related Topics
That you find someone that embodies what you are looking for, but there is something missing? That spark isn't there.
That when anyone comes here about a romantic interest and proclaims that the interest is confusing them that it's usua
Society tells us that love doesn't hurt. Then when it does, they say well love shouldn't hurt. Society tells us that
Go ahead, be as sappy as you want :D Annie's Song is probably my fave fave _3 :)
for anyone currently in (OR that has ever been in) a relationship?? scale of one to ten... one being uninterested,
So, when you're in a long term term relationship, why does everyone around you (friends, family) assume you're going to
Soo, there's someone that I've met that I have some semi interest in, and I think it may be vice versa as well. I've bee
From multiple women. You know who I'm talking about. That guy who, no matter how awesome you are, will continue to seek
-Known each other for two years; in the last 6mos we've became closer and yes sex has come into play
- he has some financial stuff he trying to take care
-says he's not ready NOW for a relationship; on the flip side I told him I'm not either b/c 6 mos ago I got a job 180mi away although I'm still a resident (my house) of the same state as he thus I come home on every other wknd or so.
- during the convo where we discussed our not being ready for a relationship, he states, "I adore you".
- I gave him the key to my home when I got the job so he'd keep an eye on it ( he checks it once a week- shoveled snow, checks w/ neighbors, and etc).
- Recently I told him I was gonna get some one to rent a room in my house particularly a male b/c women haven't been working out for me. He told me a month aho he might consider it and it he's hesitant b/c its a little out his way when heading to work.
- A week ago on the night we had the "relationship talk" he say he gonna move in around June to help me out ( I have a mortgage and I'm renting in the state that I work; he works crazy hours so his family stays at his house so he's gonna let them "have it" n stay at my place b/c it will be peaceful). He's in his early 40s and I'm in my mid 30s.
there's no doubt there's feeling from both our ends, no games have been played to date, he's respectful, honest (admits he not ready b/c he will not able to do what he's should do as a man in a relationship), trusting ( hell I gave him my key) and so on...my question is, Why is he doing all of this...is this a game or does he really want me? and is trying to keep me close until he taken care of his business so we could. enter a relationship? I'm going to keep my options open but I just don't know where to put him, so to speak.