dying inside here and needing to tell someone...
This topic was created in the Relationships forum by sagittarian on Friday, September 21, 2007 and has 18 replies.
if you've been reading my posts here you know where I am coming from. I said I would see my lover today and I did. We were both excited about it. Couldnt wait. We made love. Great love. The we had the talk- where I ask him about his feelings or intentions. He told me he use to cheat on girlfriend and he wondered if he would always be that way. He has cheated on his wife 3 times now- once before they married and 2 times in the 10 years. He left her once w/the other girl but went back when he realized the situation was no better there than at home. A few days. I told him that I always thought that when a man found the girl of their heart that maybe they didnt do that anymore. He said well she is the only one that can make me madder than hell and then 2 minutes later wants to make passionate love to her. My heart sank into misery when he said that. I told him if he really wanted to know what had been on my mind- it is that I look at my husband and think- he deserves better than I am- and that while I could never imagine asking my lover to leave his family that I have deep feelings for him. He said -that is deep. He got cold after that. His kiss was cold and he was ready to go.That I am not sure what they are but that I did not feel I was inlove with him. I told him that I think about him all the time and that I love being around him. He said- I feel the same way- maybe we need to think about things. (because he sees himself saying the same things) He said he wasnt attracted to me at first but after about 3 times being around me- he thought I wouldnt push her to the curb if she wanted to be with me- but when we started flirting it was heavy. He told me no matter what he wanted to be friends and never enemies. I am thinking WTH- He said I could ruin his marriage if I wanted spite. I have told him- I am nothing like that. How can you make love so good and the day turn into a disaster so bad. I feel so hurt- my gut says this is the end. I know it is for the best- but I have not opened myself up for this heartache for 20 years. I wanted to mean something to him. He says if the situation was different- we would be together. I am not sure if when I told him about the guilt I was feeling-it must have hit a nerve with him. I could've sworn that he felt more for me than just a lay. We have been knowing one another for a year. We have only been intimate 4 times although we have kissed. I asked him what he saw in me- he said- you're damn sexy, I like being around you
you kiss like nobody else and I do feel for you. I said yes- you feel physical attraction. Was this too much talk for him? I dont want to stop seeing him. He said I know you want more from me. I said really- I just like what we have going on right now. Damn, I feel so out of control. I just want to lay down and cry...
You know, he said he wondered how come he didnt say no to me when we first decided to start this thing- but then he said he just did not want to. He took a chance seeing me- because he plays poker with my friends and my mate every week not just me. I know you think we are dogs- I didnt want to be. I have been dealing with these thoughts for awhile now. If you have read my other headlines you will know this story. He says it more than just physical, its the way we make each other feel. Well, what the hell am I supposed to think. If you tell me that you think about me all the time and that you wonder what I am doing and you think about me when you are with her. Just what the hell. Is he wanting me to to be inlove with him? Will that help his ego- just Monday he asked was I wanting to break it off and when i said- if we spent more time together- he might just fall inlove with me- he says it wouldnt take much--- I know our conversation today really hit him hard as it did me. When he made that comment about his wife and how she turned him on like that- it really hit a nerve- that hey maybe he is inlove with his wife. Later when we were talking about that 'L' word- he said that making love is different- that he makes love to me. That is an outside feeling and 'Love' is an inside feeling. So what are these feelings he has. See why I am so confused all the time. He is all in my head. I just wanted to be in his too I guess. I know I need to get over him. I am just not sure where I am going to find the strength. I dont even want to work and I cant tell anyone. I am sad...
You know, he said he wondered how come he didnt say no to me when we first decided to start this thing- but then he said he just did not want to. He took a chance seeing me- because he plays poker with my friends and my mate every week not just me. I know you think we are dogs- I didnt want to be. I have been dealing with these thoughts for awhile now. If you have read my other headlines you will know this story. He says it more than just physical, its the way we make each other feel. Well, what the hell am I supposed to think. If you tell me that you think about me all the time and that you wonder what I am doing and you think about me when you are with her. Just what the hell. Is he wanting me to to be inlove with him? Will that help his ego- just Monday he asked was I wanting to break it off and when i said- if we spent more time together- he might just fall inlove with me- he says it wouldnt take much--- I know our conversation today really hit him hard as it did me. When he made that comment about his wife and how she turned him on like that- it really hit a nerve- that hey maybe he is inlove with his wife. Later when we were talking about that 'L' word- he said that making love is different- that he makes love to me. That is an outside feeling and 'Love' is an inside feeling. So what are these feelings he has. See why I am so confused all the time. He is all in my head. I just wanted to be in his too I guess. I know I need to get over him. I am just not sure where I am going to find the strength. I dont even want to work and I cant tell anyone. I am sad...
I havent really thought about that. I just really like being with him. I think about doing things like how fun it would be to go out with him and hang out and make out. And I wonder what he is doing and if he thinks about me. I do think he does that because he is always eager and laughing when we talk. I think is we were free we would be together and I probably would be wondering who he is cheating with. He likes to feel good about himself and he says that I make it all about him. That I do. He said I sex him up like no one and I do believe that. We were sitting in the jacuzzi talking and he said that I cheat like a pro. I have never cheated until now. I just dont want to make it where we lose everything we got. Why would he leave his wife over some girl who had nothing to offer- verses one who has everything together.? He tells me that we have this click. I believe that it true. That is another reason I am confused all the time. I tell him I dont want him to leave her because of his kids (8,6,2 ages) Does this effect his thinking? Oh, he said he likes it because I am older 7 yrs too. Merc help me out here...
another thing- reading back thru these things I have written- I remember Mon nite how evrything said was so good. I remember the submission look in him- what h appened today- it was so good- we danced, we played, joked and we held each other- and it was so good. Then I had to bring up the guilt and I mean to tell you- it turned cold as ice from there.
what does that mean? If it means what I think- you tell me what the heck does he mean saying these things to me. He said last time we were together that he didnt want to hurt me and that he didnt want to get hurt. But when he made that comment about how his wife turns him from mad to glad- I just said what I did about the guilt. He did say something close to our departure time about- we would be together if the situation was different, that he knows what his wife would put him thru with the courts, (I didnt ask him to elaborate). He didnt even come close to saying that maybe he loved me and so I assume he dont. I wonder if I brought him down when I said that stuff about the guilt- because I am telling you it went COLD- his next words were- I think about that too- maybe we need to think about things. Youre a man- what is up with this man? He is 34 libra
you are right-comfortable-just like I told my lover- he offers me security andit would be hard for me to leave because I am afraid I will end up alone.
the lover- I have kids myself fixing to be kidless because they are growing up and leaving home. So I understand his love for his kids. He said once that he would live thru hell to be with them. He tries to make his wife jealous. I remember how I met her and he kept getting right in my face. I thought- she is never going to let him out again. Because nothing was going on then- just him trying to talk with me. I keep thinking, maybe I am imagining these feelings I seem to think he has for me. Maybe wishful thinking. Several people have asked him if he is hitting up on me. How could someone be around my husband every week knowing he would kill him if he had no real interest in me? I want to know what he is thinking and today he just shut down. He usually says stuff to me about his feelings or maybe his imaginary feelings. Who knows? I could save my marriage- I could use some time to myself but I dont feel like doing anything but crying...
the lover- I have kids myself fixing to be kidless because they are growing up and leaving home. So I understand his love for his kids. He said once that he would live thru hell to be with them. He tries to make his wife jealous. I remember how I met her and he kept getting right in my face. I thought- she is never going to let him out again. Because nothing was going on then- just him trying to talk with me. I keep thinking, maybe I am imagining these feelings I seem to think he has for me. Maybe wishful thinking. Several people have asked him if he is hitting up on me. How could someone be around my husband every week knowing he would kill him if he had no real interest in me? I want to know what he is thinking and today he just shut down. He usually says stuff to me about his feelings or maybe his imaginary feelings. Who knows? I could save my marriage- I could use some time to myself but I dont feel like doing anything but crying...
yes- though I can leave no problem.
the other- he said several times that he would have no money because of what would be required of him- that he would have to stay with a buddy-he talked about this before we ever started seeing each other- he was going to leave her this time last year because they were fighting. He mentioned another girl at that time. Ironically, I told him to remember the grass is not greener on the other side. I think he could be looking for something or he is just a whore wanting some attention. But he also says, his wife isnt as bad as she use to be. She's getting better he says and he thinks he is to because they get along better. I think he likes it because she is his and she will stand up and fight for him. Although he has went to great lengths to keep our relationship from her- he has made some mistakes like everyone we know- knows her. I wonder if he just tells me that cause it keeps me hanging on. You know how you think you got this feeling but you question it- I am not sure just which feeling it is. He reminds me so much of my own feelings with the way he acts.
the other- he said several times that he would have no money because of what would be required of him- that he would have to stay with a buddy-he talked about this before we ever started seeing each other- he was going to leave her this time last year because they were fighting. He mentioned another girl at that time. Ironically, I told him to remember the grass is not greener on the other side. I think he could be looking for something or he is just a whore wanting some attention. But he also says, his wife isnt as bad as she use to be. She's getting better he says and he thinks he is to because they get along better. I think he likes it because she is his and she will stand up and fight for him. Although he has went to great lengths to keep our relationship from her- he has made some mistakes like everyone we know- knows her. I wonder if he just tells me that cause it keeps me hanging on. You know how you think you got this feeling but you question it- I am not sure just which feeling it is. He reminds me so much of my own feelings with the way he acts.
I don't know he sounds like a fantasy lover to me. He may be running away from reality and escaping it with you. I wouldn't count on having the same wonderful relationship if he does ever leave.
Sag, it seems like your problems are 2 fold.
1 - you aren't happy in your own situation/relationship
2 - you want more & feel more for your lover than he wants & feels with you.
These are 2 separate problems that you are going to need to face & deal with.
*1) If you want to stay in your current relationship, then that is going to need to be worked on & being with the current lover will need to stop. If you don't want to stay with him, then resolving that situation will be the best for you so you can be totally free to take on the lover of your choice without any GUILT or possibility of hurting someone else. It's also best for your current partner because he deserves to be with someone who wants them & no other just as much as you do.
*2) With the current lover, he might like you & he probably does enjoy making out with you & having sex with you. But it doesn't seem like he loves you or wants to be with you. He more than likely isn't going to leave his wife for you. If you want to continue on in a situation where you aren't loved the way that you love & your lover doesn't want the same things, then you're with the right one. If you know that you want and deserve more, then you'll probably need to look elsewhere for it because it's not with him.
Good luck.
1 - you aren't happy in your own situation/relationship
2 - you want more & feel more for your lover than he wants & feels with you.
These are 2 separate problems that you are going to need to face & deal with.
*1) If you want to stay in your current relationship, then that is going to need to be worked on & being with the current lover will need to stop. If you don't want to stay with him, then resolving that situation will be the best for you so you can be totally free to take on the lover of your choice without any GUILT or possibility of hurting someone else. It's also best for your current partner because he deserves to be with someone who wants them & no other just as much as you do.
*2) With the current lover, he might like you & he probably does enjoy making out with you & having sex with you. But it doesn't seem like he loves you or wants to be with you. He more than likely isn't going to leave his wife for you. If you want to continue on in a situation where you aren't loved the way that you love & your lover doesn't want the same things, then you're with the right one. If you know that you want and deserve more, then you'll probably need to look elsewhere for it because it's not with him.
Good luck.
P.S. He might have thought that since you were also in a long term relationship & have mutual friends that you would be a "safe bet" for a piece on the side with no strings. You wouldn't want to mess up your relationship or let word get back to either of your spouses through all of your mutual friends. Bringing up "guilt" and your feelings for him was probably NOT what he was looking for. Just fun & sex.
P.P.S. He probably doesn't call you because he's married & doesn't really care.
I know I'm being really blunt, but I know I don't always respond to tactful answers and sometimes need someone to clear the "romantic haze" so I can see clearly.
P.P.S. He probably doesn't call you because he's married & doesn't really care.
I know I'm being really blunt, but I know I don't always respond to tactful answers and sometimes need someone to clear the "romantic haze" so I can see clearly.
thank you for being blunt- maybe I need that. I do not know what to think. If I was saying these things to someone else- I would say RUN- why cant I say them to myself. I was thinking about calling him tomorrow when he goes to work. Maybe I wont- one day at a time. I dont understand how he could be so excited when we talk and are together not really give a damn about me. I thought guys were simple-that they love in a visual way. Everything we share is in a physical way but when he holds me and kisses me-its like a get the feeling-its more than that- although we know it cannot be because of other commitments. Maybe thats just what I want to feel. When I met him, I got this feeling that was some kind of click-weird-maybe he was just a dog sniffing out a new damn toy. How can guys just be with you and not care.
This is so hard for me because I've been through something similar.
I wasn't in a relationship at the time, but I've had very strong feelings of connection but there was nothing there on the other side.
The way I realized this was through his actions.
Sure he was excited to hear from me, see me, talk to me, sleep with me.
But did he want to share anything more with me?
No.
And that is how you know whether he does or doesn't care.
Any guy is excited to spend time with a woman who's into him. Period. There may be chemistry there (and on your side feelings), but you deserve more.
You want what everyone else wants: To Love & to Be Loved in return.
In your relationship you might be loved, but you don't feel the same love for him.
With your lover, you might love him, but he doesn't feel the same for you.
You can find someone with whom you share love in a balanced way, but it's probably not gonna happen while you're in limbo like this. I hope things get better for you soon.
I wasn't in a relationship at the time, but I've had very strong feelings of connection but there was nothing there on the other side.
The way I realized this was through his actions.
Sure he was excited to hear from me, see me, talk to me, sleep with me.
But did he want to share anything more with me?
No.
And that is how you know whether he does or doesn't care.
Any guy is excited to spend time with a woman who's into him. Period. There may be chemistry there (and on your side feelings), but you deserve more.
You want what everyone else wants: To Love & to Be Loved in return.
In your relationship you might be loved, but you don't feel the same love for him.
With your lover, you might love him, but he doesn't feel the same for you.
You can find someone with whom you share love in a balanced way, but it's probably not gonna happen while you're in limbo like this. I hope things get better for you soon.
thank you-as I read that my heart sank to my stomach-gut wrenching ache. I should've known better. You know he never ceases to surprize me- when I am thinking about the dog he is- he calls or seems excited to see me.(these are the times we are not planning to be intimate) but when we are intimate- it is great sex- but in the back of my mind I am always thinking-what if these are lines guys use. This guy is good-very charismatic. I went out with some friends that we play poker with last night. One of the guys ask me if my lover was my boyfriend. I said no- why would you ask me that? He said - come on now, I see the way he talks and tries to be around you. Everyone notices- I just said we just like to talk and we are friends. I guess yes I wanted this to be more- Mostly, I just wanted to think I was more than a F#*K. I been thinking about this all night. It isnt that he can give me what my mate cannot. He can give me what I want. What I want is to spend time with him. I was ok with things on Friday the way they were- just a fling and I never tried to pretend to suggest I wanted more. Because I repeatedly told him that I would not interfer with his family as I had no intentions as far as that went. Gosh, I sound like a whore. I dont sleep around. I am just sleeping with him evry couple of weeks. Other than that we just hang around each other 3-5 hrs kissing or with other people. That is why I thought it was alittle more than a bed call. He was always the one bringing up- dont use the 'L' word- when he would say he liked me very very much. Or did you think about this weekend. Or think about me. Or you liked me first. Or the couple of jealous remarks he made. I dont know- maybe he thinks I am too involved. He said- you want more from me. I said I am ok with what we have. I asked him would he be with me if he were available. He said- yes, then we could go to restaurants and out other places. He said then-and if I were available and you were not- you would be because I would be all in your face. See, these are almost exact quotes from his lips. He has never told me that he doesnt want to see me. The 2nd time we were together- we had a few words-he said he had asked me to give him a call and I waited a couple of days. He said he thought I was going to call him with bad news. He says you're going to get tired of me. He asks me if I am going to break things off with him. I told him to quit saying that to me. I got the feeling that maybe he was putting more thought
I guess I just wanted things to be different. I am probably going to go ahead and leave my mate for a few months. Because I cant even see straight. I can not believe I am feeling like a ton of bricks is sitting in my guts. You know, I relly dont even think about a future with this guy. I just have been enjoying what we have. I have wanted more time with him but not to take him away from anything. Sounds stupid I know. But I was ok I with the way things were because I dont know what I want. I might like my freedom or I might just be real lonely. I am scared about that part. I dont get any great satisfaction from doing this with him. Just cant wait to do it again kinda feeling. I have been inlove with my mate for as long as I have known him. My feelings changed when this guy came into the picture and I have been dealing with these feelings for about a year now. Just about a month ago did I give into to them. I do think it been close to the same for the lover of mine. I guess I really just need to ge these things off my chest and writing here helps talk about it.
Merc- I probably should and may go ahead a watch that movie. Yes- I do know that it would hurt him. I have even tried to put myself in his shoes. I guess I am very weak at this point. I try to give myself better direction but I end up feeling back to selfish. This is bad- all my life I have been there for everyone and every one of their problems. This guy came along and distracted me from all that and I put myself back in the picture. I guess I got to feeling that I am tired of thinking of everyone else. What about me. I do not see myself in a future with this guy. I do not want him to leave what he has. I just enjoy being around him and doing things with him. And I just think about it til it makes me crazy. I am going to try back away though and try to get some perspective. Thing is, I wonder will I do it by choice or will this guy end up doing it for me. There are people saying things to this guy and me too about do we have someting going on so I know it is possible that my husband may be noticing it to. I do not want to hurt him. I just want some time to myself. Maybe if I move out I will be able to remember how important he is to me and that this guy is not. I am just scared I will be alone while I am working thru it. If I dont get it together, I will definitely lose him. Maybe that last sentence is just it.
Sag - big hugs!!!
I can only imagine how hard your current situation is.
I can relate to only thinking about others and then turning that around to wanting somethings for yourself. However, don't lose sight of yourself, who you are at heart, and your husband.
If you're a kind & generous person by nature, you don't have to become selfish and hurt others to make sure you're happy! There *is* a middle ground where you can get what you want with your husband, with someone else, or alone, without having to hurt anyone. Your happiness doesn't have to lead to pain for anyone. It's just a matter of finding 1)what it is that you want that will make you happy -and- 2)finding a way to get that without hurting others. If what you want is attention, fun, and romance you can try to see if you can have that with your husband. Sure, it's not as fun when you have to ask for it, but if you're feeling something missing in your relationship there's a good chance he's feeling it too. The other guy is giving you some attention but it's at the risk of a looooot of people being hurt in the end(your spouse, his spouse, their kids, YOU!).
From your posts, it sounds like you're really working it out and that shows the type of person you are. Have you and your husband considered counseling? It might help the 2 of you together and it would give you someone else to talk to as well.
Hoping things get better for you.
I can only imagine how hard your current situation is.
I can relate to only thinking about others and then turning that around to wanting somethings for yourself. However, don't lose sight of yourself, who you are at heart, and your husband.
If you're a kind & generous person by nature, you don't have to become selfish and hurt others to make sure you're happy! There *is* a middle ground where you can get what you want with your husband, with someone else, or alone, without having to hurt anyone. Your happiness doesn't have to lead to pain for anyone. It's just a matter of finding 1)what it is that you want that will make you happy -and- 2)finding a way to get that without hurting others. If what you want is attention, fun, and romance you can try to see if you can have that with your husband. Sure, it's not as fun when you have to ask for it, but if you're feeling something missing in your relationship there's a good chance he's feeling it too. The other guy is giving you some attention but it's at the risk of a looooot of people being hurt in the end(your spouse, his spouse, their kids, YOU!).
From your posts, it sounds like you're really working it out and that shows the type of person you are. Have you and your husband considered counseling? It might help the 2 of you together and it would give you someone else to talk to as well.
Hoping things get better for you.
well, I sat down and talked to my husband the other day and he is not at all in agreement w/seperating. He talked about putting the house up for sale etc. I am like woah-I just need some time. He is trying so hard to be close to me but all I want right now is some space. Although, I think if I have space it may push me into wanting to be more with this other guy. One day I am ok- because I keep thinking I just like things the way they have been-nothing more. Then on other days I feel like my insides are burning up with wanting to talk to him. I end up calling him. I know I am going to get burned- I just cant leave it alone. I really wish I could feel the way I need to for my husband. He deserves better than this. He wants to work things out together- by staying together and working them out- I know he is one of a kind-it hurts me that I have put myself in a situation that is going to devastate him if he finds out. This is like an addiction for me. Somedays I can reason this all out and then boom back where I started. I went and looked at apts and the girl asked why I was wanting to move. She said that almost everybody she knew was splitting up. Gosh, maybe I have been in the dark for years but is this the way it is?
does sound like I need it dont it- this crap has messed with my head so damn much. I keep thinking it is a midlife crisis and that I will get over it. You are right though- I dont feel ike it is a couples issue. It is an issue I need to deal with for myself. I told you I am confused. When I read thru these other postings- I think about how much I am jeopardizing because of this shit I am feeling. I dont like feeling this way- I just feel like I am having a hard time with dealing with these crazy mixed up emotions in my head.
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