Emotional Rapists

The Silent Treatment - A Form of Abuse
By Tigress Luv
??(parts of this article have been gathered from message boards and forum comments)
I believe the silent treatment (feigned apathy; cold-shoulder; silence; distance, and ignoring you) is the worst form of emotional abuse. It is a punishment used by abusers to make you feel unimportant, not valued, not cared about and completely absent from the abuser's thoughts. It is used as a form of non-physical punishment and control because the abuser mistakenly thinks that if they don't physically harm you then they are not abusers. The truth is, they are far worse at doling out abuse than the physical abuser.
Silent treatment is a form of banishing someone from the abuser's existence without the benefit of closure or a good bye or a chance at reconciliation. In a word..it's meant to torture someone you profess to love. Should I meet someone again who uses this tactic just once he will not get another chance. Because the silent treatment is something that the abuser repeats over and over again. The silent treatment is CONTROL, and a safe means for them to avoid any ??'uncomfortable' topics, issues in the relationship, or issues within himself (or herself).
The silent treatment is a method the abuser uses to 'kill' you for something you have done. In a sense, you have been psychologically 'murdered' by them, but your physical life goes on.
In my current relationship (over as of this last abusive episode) I have spent more days getting the 'silent treatment' than not. Yes - I believe it is the 'worst' of the emotional abuse tactics - and this is where I have been most harmed and damaged, and where I will need most of my healing from. At my age I definitely don't need this. Relationships aren't supposed to be about pain and hurt. Why in goodness name I have allowed myself to suffer through all his forms of power, control, and abuse for years will be a forever question mark in my mind.
I used to love him, even when I was angry with him, or hurt by him. My love stopped during the last episode - or maybe the one before. I really can't remember when my heart shut off the love valve. Maybe it was a gradual thing. However, the love is gone, truly gone - and this current episode just made me commit to not going back into the relationship. Truth be told, if I were to walk in on him today and find he had died from a heart attack or something, I think I would just be relieved, and not experience any grief or sadness at

As with most abusers, they are in denial over their own abuse. They may use the excuses:
?? I needed to have some space
?? I thought you needed some space
?? I was feeling depressed and didn't want to drag you down with me
?? I thought we both need a cooling off period
?? I felt threatened/insulted/hurt and reacted with fear and isolation
?? I just needed some time alone to think
?? I didn't want to fight
?? You told me to leave you alone
?? Problems from my past came up and I needed to sort them out
Of course these excuses are just one more way for the abusers to blame somebody or something else for his abuse.
Some victims of the Silent Treatment have said:
"He uses it to punish me on a regular basis"
"I've had times where my husband used this tactic on me so bad, that I ended up wishing that he would just hit me and get it over with-why? Because at least then I would know I existed, and that I wasn't a ghost or invisible."
"I've learned to love the silent treatment. For years, it devastated me and I felt that it was the worst of the abuse...but it's not...at least not for me. ?? ...and yes, I felt that it was a punishment. It made me feel not important, subhuman...like I didn't even exist."
"That's all it took & he wouldn't speak for days sometimes. Then he would start talking like nothing was ever wrong. Ignore your problems & keep up a front. I couldn't live like that anymore."
"There was no rhyme or reason, it could happen at any time, go on for days and usually erupted into an outburst of rage. Trying to figure it out, was mind boggling and yes, punishment!"

The reality is (in most cases) that the more someone ignores you the more you actually want to resolve the problem. It's almost an involuntary need on the part of the person being ignored. And that's the whole point to the ignorer. It puts them in control AND it gets them attention. However, that's in most cases - in my case the more he pulled the silent treatment, the more I saw him as a very emotionally-sick and an immature, abusive person and the LESS I wanted to resolve our problems. I would just pray for him to leave, or sometimes I would fantasize that I was in another healthy, loving relationship, and that he and I didn't even exist as a couple, or I would pack up some clothes and try to leave myself. Of course, part of his 'control' was in knowing the fact that I couldn't leave my children or my job...which I would have had to do to leave my home. This gave him all the authority and power over me as he so chose.
But that authority and control truly isn't love - that controlling power and abuse is an insecure person's way of trying to not be abandoned - by abandoning you, and probably when you needed them the most. This way they feel that they had a psychological and emotional hold on you. That you can't abandon them. The problem is, are they too stupid to realize that being abandoned is exactly the result that they will eventually get? To be abandoned by their victim? Maybe not always physically abandoned, as abused people can take abuse for years and years. But they abandon their abusers mentally and emotionally, closing their hearts and souls to them, and killing any love at all they may have once felt for the abuser.

Isn't that leaving? I should think so!
Abuse is abuse. And abuse is never ok. In one way though, the silent treatment is far worse than other forms of abuse, because it indirectly says to you that you are not a person, you are an object, you are invisible because they choose to make you so because you are not worthy of their time. THAT is one of the most hurtful and abusive things to do in my book. It is a horrible feeling, being ignored and denied affection.
For me personally the silent treatment was dished out when I did something he didn't like, when I was wrong, or when I showed him he was wrong. The link was??as clear as flipping a switch and seeing the light go out. POW, KABOOM! I got punished and he wouldn't speak with me for days on end, including choosing to not even be in the same physical area with me. He would hide away or disappear for hours, and even sleep sitting upright in a desk chair every night for up to a week (or more) just to avoid being in the same room with me. He was almost childlike??in his behavior. I finally said, "screw this". I couldn't live like that anymore.
NOTE: The Silent Treatment is an abuse tactic often used by narcissists. To read up about narcissist and the silent treatment - plus their other 'subtle' abuse tactics, please visit Breaking Up With Your Narcissist.??

It looks to me like one particular astrological sign births plenty of these...

Games SUCK.

"It looks to me like one particular astrological sign births plenty of these..."
Which would that be?

I imagine a lot of cancers would particularly hate being ignored and Leo's especially.
Personally if someone does that to me I'll ask whaT's wrong and if I get no answer I'll just shrug and say "Fine, do what you like."
It's not healthy to have one person ignoring you make you feel inhuman. How human and real and important you feel should come from the inside regardless of someone (even someone you love) ignoring you

When my ex and I first got together that's the way he dealt with things when he got upset...I in turn learnt to deal with situations this way too.

I would remain silent until I had the answers myself in my mind and knew what to say. Mostly after that we could discuss the problem but if i decided it wasnt worth hashing through it then it was left and things eventually returned to normal. That was probably the biggest mistake because eventually all those little things that didnt matter built up to becoming alot of un-resolved issues but at the time to me this was better than having a full on shit-fight where noone even hears what the other person is saying because you both jump on the defensive.

Personally this silent time wasn't a punishment thing as you percieve but rather a time to reflect on the situation at hand so as to be able to come up with a resolution. It's the caveman sitting on his rock!

Woman want to get to the root of the problem and hash it out until it is resolved....not all people work that way. I dont think it's a case of right or wrong but just excepting the way different people deal with their problems!

While I do agree that some abusers use these methods as a means of control, I don't agree that every person that has used these methods have done so because they are intending to emotionally abuse anyone. After all, a man/woman walking away in silence from a fight b/c they are trying their hardest to prevent anything from escalating is not necessarily emotional abuse, for example. If anything in that case, a person purposely chosing to stay around knowing the consequences/probable outcome of doing so is just as much considered emotional abuse.

And it's true..There are some people that intentionally use these tactics to emotionally manipulate/abuse another person & of course there are always the people that unintentionally emotionally abuse others OR those who do these things w/o even realizing the damage/effects they are causing the other person/situation. To say that walking away or becoming silent during controversey represents emotional abuse is true for some BUT not true for others. It just depends on the person & the circumstances. If a cop pulls me over & gets disrespectful with me, I will def. plead the 5th & not say a word. What does that mean I'm trying to emotionally manipulate the cop? No, it just means that sometimes being quiet and/or being the bigger person & walking away/keeping silent is the BEST choice at the time vs. other approaches that we probably REALLY want to use in the situation. Some people think before they speak..and hey, if it takes them 30 minutes to think of the RIGHT approach (with GOOD intentions to do everything BUT manipulate their partner) then technically, it'd be justifiable for that person to keep their mouth closed until they are 100% sure of how to approach a situation.

Now don't get me wrong..some people go all out & use the "silent treatment" as a means of purposely causing emotional turmoil within someone else. The people that pout, cross their arms, walk around mean-mugging all day long & while at the same time keeping silent (when they REALLY just want to explode) can be considered emotional abusers. BUT then again..everybody's own reasons for why they keep silent are different. Silence doesn't have to mean abuse. Silence can sometimes SAVE your asz ANd your relationship, no different than it can sometimes ruin everything OR escalate emotional turmoil

It's important that the real emotional abusers be made light of & not have 100 ways out or excuses for their behaviors. BUT it's JUST AS IMPORTANT to make sure that those who didn't have emotionaly abusive motives, don't end up being punished for something they technically didn't do.

Sure Silence can be used as a manipulation tactic. BUT silence can also be used as a means to NOT escalate an already sensitive/aggravated circumstance/person/situation.
-Sure, purposely not communicating with your partner at a time when communication is the 1st thing needed to resolve a problem can be constituted as emotional abuse BUT then again there is nothing wrong with using silence as a means of communication (considering body language is JUST as crucial) vs. communicating in OTHER ways that are 10 times more harmful to self or another person.

The point I'm getting at is that emotional abuse must be broken down by individual circumstance, vs. physical abuse (You either wrongfully attacked someone or you didn't). Silence should not necessarily be associated with emotional abuse or negative motives ALL the time. Body language doesn't involve literal verbal speaking, thus body language is verbal silence translated in a non-verbal way..so I think others need to know that there is a HUGE difference sometimes between abuse vs. something that is necessary/best EVEN IF it ends up hurting the other person.

I def. agree that silence in certain situations can be a tool for manipulation BUT not all the time. Like you said, it comes down to the individual person being able to know how to seperate the 2 & knowing how to tell 1 from the other. There can be times when OTHER forms of manipulation or abuse are used against someone else, leaving silence to be the only way out or BEST option for the situation.

I've been in a personal situation where every time a friend would get mad at me, they'd use the infamous "silent treatment" on me. The only difference though was that at 1st it used to bother me b/c of course I knew it was taking way MORE energy to be silent than it was to just talk it out & get through the issues. But after a while, & after I realized this person was just using the silent treatment as a tool for manipulation I made the decision not to allow that tool to have any control or any influence over me. I realize that others don't always do this 1. b/c they aren't yet aware that they are being emotionally manipulated or abused or that 2. Some justify the abuser's behavior by convincing themselves that the manipulation was necessary in certain situations. But for me, whenever I meet someone new or get to know someone who I notice using the silent treatment during hard times as their tool for proving a point, I usually stray from that person before they even get the chance to get to me. And it's b/c verbal communication is very important to me in making a foundation stable, therefore lack of verbal communication can aid in the breaking of such a foundation too.

So when I spot the kinds of people that use those kinds of childish techniques, I don't argue with them or try to get them to change how they deal with problems or others when they don't get their way..instead I remove myself from the situation until that person is ready to verbally talk to me OR atleast until that person becomes emotionally available enough to use a more mature approach to handling an issue or circumstance. Me making the decision sometimes to not let the "silent treatment" consume me/affect me negatively is BEST for me, even though it'll obviously ignore the HELL out of the person who was convinced their tool for manipulation would work.

I don't like the part where it describes the "excuses".... I don't give people the silent treatment, but those reasons can be very valid. I think the difference between for example needing space and being abusive is if you truly are trying to punish someone or to get a reaction out of them. This is not a "black and white" [clear cut - not racial] issue. Sometimes people really do need to get away from the outside world and collect their thoughts. But I think extended/frequent periods of this behavior intended as a punishment or to elicit reactions is definately emotionally abusive.

Posted by Leo~Moon~Beam
This brings back horrible memories for me. I remember being with a guy for a little over a year and he appeared so in love with me. We were so happy and he would say the sweetest things to me. There was really no one else in the world like him in my eyes. Then one day he fell off the face of the earth. We kept in touch multiple times a day and then bam...just like that with no warning at all, I no longer heard from him. He would no longer answer my calls, texts, emails etc. It was like he vanished. Once I was finally able to get in touch with him ( I kept trying)....because oblivious me was just worried sick over him...thinking something terrible had happened! Anyway, once I got in touch with him he accused me of being some crazy stalker....even told his friends and family that too. He treated me like he didn't even know me and just wanted me to leave him alone. That hurt me deeply and I swear it took me so long to get over it. Almost a year later he called me up and tried to apologize to me.......it took me a while, but after much consideration I finally accepted his apology. He wanted to make things right with me....or so he said. He wanted to be friends with me because he cared about me he said. Silly me accepted him back into my life only for him to pull the same stunt yet again only a month later. That has been almost nine months ago and if he ever tries to contact me again I swear I'm through! I doubt I'll hear from him again though since he recently got married. I just can't believe I fell for all of that. Sometimes I think I'm more naive than I realize!

Wow, what an awful experience! How terrible to try and make you feel like the crazy stalker when that is the precedent he set when you first started the relationship!!! Uuuuuggghh! I understand what you mean about the naive part and I don't think it's just that but it's probably more like you trying to believe the "best" in people. I know that's why I do things like that. He's just a certified "ASS" in my opinion! Sorry you had to experience that!

"Agreed, however giving the other person the respect of letting them know this is what you are doing instead of the blow off and keeping them guessing would be considered non-manipulative imo, anything short of that is abusive and disrespectful."

Once again, it all just depends on the situation/circumstance. For example, if a woman is being physically abused by her boyfriend, she might deep inside feel really betrayed/hurt & might've even shared her feelings with her companion. BUT at some point, her verbally explaining OR communicating her feelings (especially if things aren't changing) is no longer a necessity for the relationship. So in this case, if a woman literally decides to walk off & never look back, that "silent" action is not necessarily considered emotionally abusive.

Sometimes keeping silent is the BEST for the situation. Sure, the goal is never to make your companion feel unloved or like crap. BUT sometimes, what's BEST for 1 person may be someone else's worst nightmare. Sometimes a person can do something that's BEST for them, but yet that technically hurts another person's feelings (like breaking up with someone for example) & it's very important that while yes another person's feelings are VERY important, It's ALSo just as important to always make sure that your OWN feelings are high priority too.

It's no different than with raising children. Sometimes those good ole parenting books or counselors advise parents to put their kids in timeout & to literally IGNORE them as a means of positive/negative reinforcement. Sure, when you ignore your children when they've done something wrong, they are going to cry even harder & in the moment, may not see the worth or see the purpose (the way you do) in how you chose to discipline them. And hey, it's not like a parent's goal is to emotionally damage their kids. No, it's moreso about doing WHATEVER is for the best LONG-term, vs. everything always being about the temporary moment/short term. And if not communicating or verbally speaking at all is, at the time the BEST thing for 1 or 2 people, then calling that emotional abuse isn't a good move. If you're in a relationship WORTH saving, then sure communication is VITAL! But if you're in a situation that needs to end anyways, the silence (accompanied with ACTION) is necessary

I agree that there can be various types of "silent treatment"..
But the OP's type was not used to cool off, gather balance or introspection...
it was def. malevolent in nature, used to make someone feel unloved, small, punished, banished, forgotten and uncared about...
When someone who is supposed to care about you and refuses to acknowledge you and you have no idea why the person is refusing to
communicate or acknowledge your existance = red flag
In my case, when this started happening to me, I thought it was my partners way of dumping me. I would plead via text or voicemail for him to tell me what I had did or said to make him ice me out...but would be met with nothing but silence for days. The man was ice cold and I was nothing short of confused and terribly hurt. But he would come back the next week as if nothing had happened and would just ignore the fact that he even did it...he may even give a lame excuse of "I was busy". And then be sweet and charming ie: his old self until a few months later when he would do it again- usually when we were getting along great. This is just one tactic an emotional terrorizer uses to keep you off balance. They uses denial, crazy making tactics, gaslighting, guilt, the silent treatment, manipulation etc. in conjunction to get a person under their control and it's EXTREMELY SUBTLE.
Narcissists become Narcissists because of childhood trauma ie: emotional/physical neglect or abuse or over- indulgence. There also may be a genetic link but Narcissists are usually the result of the behavior of the parents and occurs when the child is two or three. By the time the person is 18 the Narcissism is usually in full bloom and cannot be reversed.
Narcissists are also known as "common sociopaths"...they walk among us in society. They lack the very thing that makes us human ~the ability to feel empathy for others. They do not FEEL love. They are the masters at acting that they are capable feeling emotions but they have studied people their whole lives to be able to "act" like everyone else.
You just have to be very cautious and aware. If you feel like "something is off" in your partner, google Narcissistic personality Disorder, Common Sociopath, Anti Social behavior....
they aren't always the knife yielding lunatics we imagine but none the less dangerous.

http://www.youmeworks.com/sociopaths.html<BR>
http://allabouthim.com/is-this-normal/<BR>
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/narcissistic-personality-disorder/DS00652/DSECTION=symptoms<BR>
http://www.cassiopaea.com/cassiopaea/psychopath.htm<BR>
http://www.psychnet-uk.com/clinical_psychology/criteria_personality_antisocial.htm

@Truth, I completely agree. Someone doing ANYTHING (whether it's using the silent treatment OR other methods) with the purpose/intention of hurting another person IS dead wrong. And anyone who doesn't think what they are doing is wrong, but yet is aware of how it's making their partner feel, can sometimes be considered just AS wrong. And the whole "Disappearing just to come back like nothing ever happend" thing is just as wrong & emotionally damaging as well, b/c the MOTIVE and/or INTENTION was to cause emotional turmoil in that person. THAT is wrong. I think it all starts with the intention. Sure, most people might be in denial that what they are doing is actually CONSIDERED emotional abuse. BUT, everyone knows their intention/motive OR what they want to happen inside another person when they chose to use a certain method. After all, people use any methods that work BEST!

My point though was that if the intention is NOT to hurt someone on the inside or NOT to cause any negative emotional turmoil, then technically it's not the same as emotional abuse. And I say that b/c what 1 person considers the best, which might be silence so that THEY don't have to feel the same negative affects that the other person will, then that's not fair to the original person who at the time really DID deep down inside have the BEST intentions. It's all about motive. If I don't talk to a person for 2 days, my intention/motive might have MORE to do with ME & what's BEST FOR ME vs. it always being about purposely trying to hurt another person.

Plus, understand that when people use the "silent treatment" or silence period, it's usually during a time when things are going wrong or when the friendship/relationship has already taken a hit. And in times like those or for some people in general, silence might be the BEST, no different than silence at such a time might be the worst. It all just depends on original motive/intent. Without that motive, it's unfair to say that emotional abuse is a black-white issue. There is a GREY area b/c every circumstance is different

I understand....but my comment was specifically about the list of "excuses". The situation described is awful - but it's not fair to say if someone uses one of those "excuses" that they are being abusive.

@Xang..I completely agree. Saying that certain situations/circumstances don't always qualify as being emotionally abusive is not the same as denying or saying that emotional abusers don't necessarily use those same methods/techniques. It's just that not ALL the people who do those certain things are doing so with the intent to emotionally abuse or hurt someone else.

Of course there are always going to be the 1 million stories about things that actually QUALIFY as emotional abuse, BUT not ALL do. Now Physical OR sexual abuse is a little different. There usually isn't a grey area there b/c it involves strictly actions. And when it comes to actions, a person either does OR they don't. How a person deals with a situation/circumstance with another person on an emotional level & if they just end up hurting another person emotionally, that still doesn't technically constitute emotional abuse. Hell, people can be FAR more emotionally abuse by SPEAKING than they can be sometimes by keeping silent.

So once again, it's not to say that a person that uses the "silent treatment" over & over again isn't emotionally abusing a person. It's just that it's important to know how to tell the difference though.

I have been with this scorpio for two years. He is a divorced father of two and the relationship is long distance. We did break up last year because he was having a hard time balancing me with his new job and being a single dad. But he begged for me back and things have been really good. I just went to see him two and a half weeks ago and we had a great time. On march the 31st we spoke for a few minutes in the morning and that was it. His phone was off for 5 days and I left numerous messages and text and nothing. Then on the 6th day he texts me and tells me he has had a family emergency and that he is sorry if he hurt me and sorry if he made me worry but that he would call and explain. He never called so last weeked I tried him serval times and he wouldn't answer but texts me and says that he can't talk and that he is with his family. I asked him what was going on and why he wouldn't tell me what was going on and he sends me this text saying that he will talk to me when the time is right for him and that was it. I have never in my life had someone do this or just stop talking to me and not tell me why. I am devasted..and feel like there is no way this man could love me like he claims. Also any time we have had drama its alawys been about his x but now I am thinking maybe he is cheating but at this point he has hurt me so bad his behavior is unforgivable..this is just so bizarre to me. I know that I may sound silly but we always promised each other that if we wanted to date other people or explore other options we would be honest with each other but I don't know what to think. its been 10 days now that we haven't spoken and i know that i haven't done anything to him to deserve this.

Not sure why you posted this here....what he's doing doesn't sound emotionally abusive to me...he has communicated with you and told you he has an emergency going on and will talk to you when it's right for HIM. Relationships involve two people and he has communicated his needs to you....you need to respect that. His family will always come first, even his ex because they have children together. For all you know the emergency could be about his children, or maybe his ex was diagnosed with cancer or something and since they have children together he needs to be there for them right now. You have no idea what's going on but he didn't just leave you hanging....... you're over-reacting.

maybe ..but I don't understand why he won't just tell me what the emergency is instead of shutting me out.

gimme a f'n break lol? no t talkin few days on par with emo rape? lol u gotta be kidding me

its been 10 days and we our in a long distance relationship

because it's HIS emergency to deal with in his way, on his time, and tell you about when HE is ready. That's why. You don't understand why because you don't know what the emergency is. Just be patient and then if you don't get a satisfactory answer you can decide what to do, but you really are over-reacting to this.

Posted by truth12
As with most abusers, they are in denial over their own abuse. They may use the excuses:
?? I needed to have some space
?? I thought you needed some space
?? I was feeling depressed and didn't want to drag you down with me
?? I thought we both need a cooling off period
?? I felt threatened/insulted/hurt and reacted with fear and isolation
?? I just needed some time alone to think
?? I didn't want to fight
?? You told me to leave you alone
?? Problems from my past came up and I needed to sort them out
Of course these excuses are just one more way for the abusers to blame somebody or something else for his abuse.
Some victims of the Silent Treatment have said:
"He uses it to punish me on a regular basis"
"I've had times where my husband used this tactic on me so bad, that I ended up wishing that he would just hit me and get it over with-why? Because at least then I would know I existed, and that I wasn't a ghost or invisible."
"I've learned to love the silent treatment. For years, it devastated me and I felt that it was the worst of the abuse...but it's not...at least not for me. ?? ...and yes, I felt that it was a punishment. It made me feel not important, subhuman...like I didn't even exist."
"That's all it took & he wouldn't speak for days sometimes. Then he would start talking like nothing was ever wrong. Ignore your problems & keep up a front. I couldn't live like that anymore."
"There was no rhyme or reason, it could happen at any time, go on for days and usually erupted into an outburst of rage. Trying to figure it out, was mind boggling and yes, punishment!"

Is this some kind of joke?

I'm getting the feeling that somebody needs space and you can't handle it, so you decided to make it something horrible that s/he is doing to you so you won't have to face the truth.

Because nothing on this list is abusive .... it is however, a person asking for space so s/he can live.

Posted by CancerKitten
"It looks to me like one particular astrological sign births plenty of these..."
Which would that be?

I imagine a lot of cancers would particularly hate being ignored and Leo's especially.
Personally if someone does that to me I'll ask whaT's wrong and if I get no answer I'll just shrug and say "Fine, do what you like."
It's not healthy to have one person ignoring you make you feel inhuman. How human and real and important you feel should come from the inside regardless of someone (even someone you love) ignoring you

I am sure U are speaking of the LEO....he is infamous for this war tactic....lol

My first love. Yup. That describes him in a way. He's a Cancer by the way.

Posted by Yossarian

Posted by truth12
The Silent Treatment - A Form of Abuse
By Tigress Luv
The truth is, they are far worse at doling out abuse than the physical abuser.

Spoken by someone who was never drug out of their own bunk and booted down their own hallway as a regular morning ritual.

Personally I'll take ignoring any day.

click to expand

I'd take ignoring too. But if a man lays a single finger on you ever it's more clear on what's going on. It's not a mind game. It's clear and in your face. So, you leave the bastard with no question.

Posted by Yossarian

Posted by truth12
The Silent Treatment - A Form of Abuse
By Tigress Luv
The truth is, they are far worse at doling out abuse than the physical abuser.

Spoken by someone who was never drug out of their own bunk and booted down their own hallway as a regular morning ritual.

Personally I'll take ignoring any day.

click to expand

i agree...sounds like some wants to be left alone