Everything BUT the Sex
This topic was created in the Relationships forum by leo/virgo75 on Monday, October 16, 2006 and has 36 replies.
What would you do if you were in a relationship with someone and they had/were everything you wanted in every area - except SEX?
Would you stay?
Would you leave?
Would you stay?
Would you leave?
I have been in this situation. I stayed.
Little Sparrow - were/are you happy? were/are you faithful?
I'm in this situation currently and it's tearing me apart.
I'm in this situation currently and it's tearing me apart.
We eventually broke up. I was happy and would have married him. And yes, I was faithful.
Eventually my sex drive just slowed down. It was REALLY hard at the time though. I just learned to substitue other affections for sex. Oddly, I have a very high sex drive so it would have been a real sacrafice but at the time, he was everything I wanted minus the sex. I would have happily married him and was planning to. We eventually broke up for other reasons. Took me forever to get over.
It really is up to you. If you are going to cheat, you are better off breaking up with him. Don't damage someone because you aren't compatible. Know what I mean?
If you can't handle it don't do it. You aren't compatible and it is no one's fault. Only you really know who you are and what you can deal with and what you do want.
Eventually my sex drive just slowed down. It was REALLY hard at the time though. I just learned to substitue other affections for sex. Oddly, I have a very high sex drive so it would have been a real sacrafice but at the time, he was everything I wanted minus the sex. I would have happily married him and was planning to. We eventually broke up for other reasons. Took me forever to get over.
It really is up to you. If you are going to cheat, you are better off breaking up with him. Don't damage someone because you aren't compatible. Know what I mean?
If you can't handle it don't do it. You aren't compatible and it is no one's fault. Only you really know who you are and what you can deal with and what you do want.
BTW ... he was a Virgo.
LOL...that explains it....
Couldn't do it.
When I deeply love someone, I must have sex with them. It is natural and normal.
NO SEX-No relationship.
Of course, if they are sick, or when we are both too old, it is different. But when young, I couldn't be with someone without sex.
MercInAries - lol
Little Sparrow - Thanks for sharing that. I have no intentions of cheating, which is part of the problem. If I could/would cheat then the sex not being so great(or enough) wouldn't matter. It's funny that he was a Virgo. I'm a Virgo too but my sexual drive is off the hook and my man just isn't doing it for me. Now he's talking marriage. And it *seems* like a good idea for every other aspect of our relationship is great BUT I'm trying to figure out if I can live the rest of my life with horrible-at best - to ok-at worst sex.
Archer - sorry about your experience. What is it with these Virgo men and sex? It seems like there are a lot of unsatisfied women with them. What gives? Are Virgo women *that* much different than the men? I tend to scare guys off with how much sex I want - they always worry that I'm cheating on them cuz I want more than they do. Oops, I guess that should be a different topic.
Lubenica - I agree with you about wanting sex with the man I love. I often feel a passion for him, then we get into it and reality sets in. It's not satisfying and then it's not enough - which probably doesn't matter anyway since it's not satisfying.lol
I'm just torn and trying to hear others' point of view.
Thanks all.
Anyone else?
Little Sparrow - Thanks for sharing that. I have no intentions of cheating, which is part of the problem. If I could/would cheat then the sex not being so great(or enough) wouldn't matter. It's funny that he was a Virgo. I'm a Virgo too but my sexual drive is off the hook and my man just isn't doing it for me.
Now he's talking marriage. And it *seems* like a good idea for every other aspect of our relationship is great BUT I'm trying to figure out if I can live the rest of my life with horrible-at best - to ok-at worst sex.Archer - sorry about your experience. What is it with these Virgo men and sex? It seems like there are a lot of unsatisfied women with them. What gives? Are Virgo women *that* much different than the men? I tend to scare guys off with how much sex I want - they always worry that I'm cheating on them cuz I want more than they do. Oops, I guess that should be a different topic.
Lubenica - I agree with you about wanting sex with the man I love. I often feel a passion for him, then we get into it and reality sets in. It's not satisfying and then it's not enough - which probably doesn't matter anyway since it's not satisfying.lol
I'm just torn and trying to hear others' point of view.
Thanks all.
Anyone else?
oops ^^^ I meant "Horrible at worst -to- ok at best"
That really is a tough situation. I'm sorry you're faced with it. But I would stay with someone regardless.
What? Is this because of religious reasons? If so I would respect that because once you do tie the knot he could blow your damn socks off! OR you could teach him.
If he is sick...I mean will it continue throughout the relationship and he won't ever be able to have sex? Is he a virgin? I mean these things are important.
But to be honest if his ass is healthy and it is not religious based. Then to hell with you buddy! People have needs...
If he is sick...I mean will it continue throughout the relationship and he won't ever be able to have sex? Is he a virgin? I mean these things are important.
But to be honest if his ass is healthy and it is not religious based. Then to hell with you buddy! People have needs...
Thanks Wheelhomies. You must be really loyal. 
Karima - lol. No he's not a virgin or anything. We DO have sex, it just isn't that good for me. At all. And what there is, isn't enough. But in every other way we're great together - great friends, love each other to death, very loyal, same ideals, etc. It would probably be easier if there *were* something wrong. I don't mind sacrificing for people I love. BUT everything is fine with both of us physically. It's just the sex is..... Well, much less than mindblowing. Except for the intimacy aspect of it and the fact that HE enjoys it, I'd rather watch WWF wrestling. And I ***HATE*** wrestling.
But I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVE sex(just not with him).
Ugh.
Karima - lol. No he's not a virgin or anything. We DO have sex, it just isn't that good for me. At all. And what there is, isn't enough. But in every other way we're great together - great friends, love each other to death, very loyal, same ideals, etc. It would probably be easier if there *were* something wrong. I don't mind sacrificing for people I love. BUT everything is fine with both of us physically. It's just the sex is..... Well, much less than mindblowing. Except for the intimacy aspect of it and the fact that HE enjoys it, I'd rather watch WWF wrestling. And I ***HATE*** wrestling.
But I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVE sex(just not with him).
Ugh.
TALK TO HIM... unless it's a size issue...?
I think there's even therapy for these kinds of things! If you have everything else down right, you should be able to communicate with him on *this* too.
I think there's even therapy for these kinds of things! If you have everything else down right, you should be able to communicate with him on *this* too.
I really feel sorry to hear that about you two.
But sex is such important part of a relationship, I am afraid that if you stay, in time you will get very, very frustrated, and this will spill into the other areas of your relationship.
I know what you mean about "Horrible at worst -to- ok at best" , we all probably had such experiences at some time. On the other side, great sex with someone you don't love also wouldn't do it for me. It has to be "great sex with the person I love", or at least "good sex with the person I love".
Because what will happen one day if you meet someone as loyal, kind, supportive, wonderful, but with whom you have good sex, which won't be hard, as it is so bad now.
I think staying is looking for trouble some time down the road, but please don't make your decision based on this, you must decide yourself. Goodluck!
toys?
i would definitely not leave my man coz sex aint super minblowing coz i can live without sex
yes it will be hard but i can turn my sexual desires swithc off... ucan always masturbate or use toys, i mean me aint leaving a sweet man just coz he sucks in bed.... My aries is always worried about satisfying me coz im waaaay horny gal, but i cant complain coz jeeeeez hes a mindblower 
Well, leovirgo75 is it a size issue?
If it is size there's not much you can do about it for all I know. But if it is what goes on when you two are having sex there may be hope...are you two open and comfortable with each other to be able to talk about everything? I'm in a relationship right now and the sex is awesome. In fact, I don't think I could be in a relationship without at least good sex. I have a high sexual drive; it scares my boy a bit but he knows I wouldn't mess around...and he is quite proud of his skills. I love him beyond the sex but if I were to divide what makes up our relationship: sex and friendship/trust/communication and love, I wouldn't be fulfilled if sex wasn't satisfying. I would work on the relationship of course but a frustrating relationship always ends sour. I think though that what makes sex awesome with my boyfriend is that I can share everything with him while we're having sex, we watch porn (not compulsively), use toys, he listens to my needs and everything. I know some women get freaked out if they learn that their men masturbate, I don't. He knows that I do masturbate too...hahah too much details...
But to make it short: we absolutely open up to each other in this moment and I trust him so much that there is no barrier...so maybe it's more psychological with your boyfriend (if it's not size) than anything for I am a virgo moon and for a long time I couldn't be intimate with anyone due toall kinds of fears (stds...yuck) and I would be blocked...remained a virgin for the longest time ever...but the trust that I have with my boyfriend is such that I am a sex kitten with him. I heard that virgos are very sexual behind all that coldness but they have a lot of anxieties...so don't give up too early but also I don't think it is fair to you or him to go into marriage with him when one of your most fundamental needs are not being satisfied. It's not his fault, nor yours; just incompatibility and you're brave to face it before getting into marriage.
If it is size there's not much you can do about it for all I know. But if it is what goes on when you two are having sex there may be hope...are you two open and comfortable with each other to be able to talk about everything? I'm in a relationship right now and the sex is awesome. In fact, I don't think I could be in a relationship without at least good sex. I have a high sexual drive; it scares my boy a bit but he knows I wouldn't mess around...and he is quite proud of his skills. I love him beyond the sex but if I were to divide what makes up our relationship: sex and friendship/trust/communication and love, I wouldn't be fulfilled if sex wasn't satisfying. I would work on the relationship of course but a frustrating relationship always ends sour. I think though that what makes sex awesome with my boyfriend is that I can share everything with him while we're having sex, we watch porn (not compulsively), use toys, he listens to my needs and everything. I know some women get freaked out if they learn that their men masturbate, I don't. He knows that I do masturbate too...hahah too much details...
But to make it short: we absolutely open up to each other in this moment and I trust him so much that there is no barrier...so maybe it's more psychological with your boyfriend (if it's not size) than anything for I am a virgo moon and for a long time I couldn't be intimate with anyone due toall kinds of fears (stds...yuck) and I would be blocked...remained a virgin for the longest time ever...but the trust that I have with my boyfriend is such that I am a sex kitten with him. I heard that virgos are very sexual behind all that coldness but they have a lot of anxieties...so don't give up too early but also I don't think it is fair to you or him to go into marriage with him when one of your most fundamental needs are not being satisfied. It's not his fault, nor yours; just incompatibility and you're brave to face it before getting into marriage.
"You must be really loyal."
I am. But, in this case, it's about priorities. This is not my issue, you know? I know what my priorities are, and for me, sex is not as important as other aspects. It sounds like you are having a lot of difficulty deciding yours, and that is why you are torn.
When you imagine yourself ending this relationship, how do you feel? Ashamed, guilty, depressed...or steadfast because you know it's what was best? You don't want to harbor any negative emotions toward yourself because of the actions you take.
If you really love this man, try to find ways to make it work. People have given you some good suggestions above...communicate your dissatisfaction. That way, if it works out, you guys could be very happy together. If it doesn't work out, and you ascertain that good sex is vitally important to you and without it you will feel a void, and you end things..at least you will know that you didn't just give up. And you are more likely to be able to move on.
I am. But, in this case, it's about priorities. This is not my issue, you know? I know what my priorities are, and for me, sex is not as important as other aspects. It sounds like you are having a lot of difficulty deciding yours, and that is why you are torn.
When you imagine yourself ending this relationship, how do you feel? Ashamed, guilty, depressed...or steadfast because you know it's what was best? You don't want to harbor any negative emotions toward yourself because of the actions you take.
If you really love this man, try to find ways to make it work. People have given you some good suggestions above...communicate your dissatisfaction. That way, if it works out, you guys could be very happy together. If it doesn't work out, and you ascertain that good sex is vitally important to you and without it you will feel a void, and you end things..at least you will know that you didn't just give up. And you are more likely to be able to move on.
^^^hmmm...maybe that's why i have never been with a virgo before...LOL!!!
eliza...howlong have you been with this aries guy now? isn't it pretty recent???
What are you looking for leo/virgo ?
Not to be forward or anything but it is an messageboard so no ones going to know who you are if you state what your guy isn't doing for you.
Not to be forward or anything but it is an messageboard so no ones going to know who you are if you state what your guy isn't doing for you.
Come on! it takes two to tango here if you want sex or you want him to improve teach him.
HELLO I know people who can love but with out sex.
HELLO I know people who can love but with out sex.
Thank you all for the responses.
I didn't post too many specifics, because, it is just a liiiiiiitle bit personal. lol
I'm on here talking about it because the guy I'm with is super sensitive. If it were just a matter of having a conversation I wouldn't be here. I'd be in bed, with my guy, enjoying every second. But he doesn't take any kind of suggestions or instructions well. At. All. Even when they're being moaned.
I have tried to talk with him about it. He gets insecure and defensive over much less sensitive issues, but *this* issue?!?!?! Italian voice - Fughetaboutit! lol
We've(I've) tried to play little games, I've asked him what *he* likes or what *I* could do better/different so he could enjoy things more. But when it comes time for it to be about him - defensive & insecure city.
He's really a great guy, just very insecure, especially in *that* department.
We do share love - that is independant of any kind of sexual expression- but(at least for me) to maintain a romantic relationship, I guess the sex just has to be there. Don't get me wrong. If there were some serious health, medical issue, or we lived apart and couldn't have sex, I'd be cool. It's just that when we actually *do* have sex, it just isn't so cool for me. Which in my opinion, isn't cool for BOTH of us. He deserves someone who thinks his sex is the best in the universe and would crawl over broken glass to get to him. I want us BOTH to be happy and appreciated.
I was curious as to what others would do in the same situation and I appreciate all the input I'm getting on here.
I didn't post too many specifics, because, it is just a liiiiiiitle bit personal. lol
I'm on here talking about it because the guy I'm with is super sensitive. If it were just a matter of having a conversation I wouldn't be here. I'd be in bed, with my guy, enjoying every second. But he doesn't take any kind of suggestions or instructions well. At. All. Even when they're being moaned.
I have tried to talk with him about it. He gets insecure and defensive over much less sensitive issues, but *this* issue?!?!?! Italian voice - Fughetaboutit! lol
We've(I've) tried to play little games, I've asked him what *he* likes or what *I* could do better/different so he could enjoy things more. But when it comes time for it to be about him - defensive & insecure city.
He's really a great guy, just very insecure, especially in *that* department.
We do share love - that is independant of any kind of sexual expression- but(at least for me) to maintain a romantic relationship, I guess the sex just has to be there. Don't get me wrong. If there were some serious health, medical issue, or we lived apart and couldn't have sex, I'd be cool. It's just that when we actually *do* have sex, it just isn't so cool for me. Which in my opinion, isn't cool for BOTH of us. He deserves someone who thinks his sex is the best in the universe and would crawl over broken glass to get to him. I want us BOTH to be happy and appreciated.
I was curious as to what others would do in the same situation and I appreciate all the input I'm getting on here.
Yeah ... telling a guy he doesn't measure up in bed is a big no no. There is no good way to do it.
So sweetie ... I think you have done everything you can. What are you going to do? What do YOU really want?
UPDATE:
I just got a suggestion from someone.
Use a book.
As in, a relationship/sex book that brings up all the questions people don't want to ask or answer. That way I can bring it up without him feeling like *I'M* the one bringing it up and maybe we can actually discuss things and see what happens.
Now I have to go find one and see what happens.
I just got a suggestion from someone.
Use a book.
As in, a relationship/sex book that brings up all the questions people don't want to ask or answer. That way I can bring it up without him feeling like *I'M* the one bringing it up and maybe we can actually discuss things and see what happens.
Now I have to go find one and see what happens.
Forgot to add:
I'm thinking that this will open things up for both of us. That way, if he has any problems with me/us, he'll feel more comfortable expressing it so we're *sharing*. It's not just him feeling that I'm attacking him.
It's worth a shot.
If that doesn't help, I may be back on here crying about us not being able to make the relationship work.
But I'm hopeful that it will turn out ok.
I'm thinking that this will open things up for both of us. That way, if he has any problems with me/us, he'll feel more comfortable expressing it so we're *sharing*. It's not just him feeling that I'm attacking him.
It's worth a shot.
If that doesn't help, I may be back on here crying about us not being able to make the relationship work.
But I'm hopeful that it will turn out ok.
Tracy Cox - Super Sex is a GREAT book.
good luck!
"Tracy Cox - Super Sex" - taking notes 
good idea, hope it works out for you
i was in a 10-year relationship where the last 4-5 years we were together we only had sex about once a year (he was a cap).
i stuck it out - everything else seemed to be great, felt emotionally secure, etc etc. looking back on it now, i realize that our sex life (or lack thereof) was actually a symptom of other problems that we were not confronting.
since then i've learned that sex is a very important part of a relationship for me - it's a way for me to express and communicate my feelings to my partner non-verbally. the other thing that i learned is that a caring partner wants his woman satisfied...
starting off with the book is a great idea to open lines of communication...also agree with someone else's suggestion that sex therapy should be considered be an option also -they would know how to handle these sensitive issues delicately.
and each time you second guess yourself about talking to him about this, just think about facing a lifetime of less than satisfactory sex ... that should give you motivation to resolve this issue
good luck - i hope things work out for you
i stuck it out - everything else seemed to be great, felt emotionally secure, etc etc. looking back on it now, i realize that our sex life (or lack thereof) was actually a symptom of other problems that we were not confronting.
since then i've learned that sex is a very important part of a relationship for me - it's a way for me to express and communicate my feelings to my partner non-verbally. the other thing that i learned is that a caring partner wants his woman satisfied...
starting off with the book is a great idea to open lines of communication...also agree with someone else's suggestion that sex therapy should be considered be an option also -they would know how to handle these sensitive issues delicately.
and each time you second guess yourself about talking to him about this, just think about facing a lifetime of less than satisfactory sex ... that should give you motivation to resolve this issue
good luck - i hope things work out for you
Thank you wheelhomies.
Scorp5pt0 - I appreciate you sharing that. I am definitely thinking about a lifetime of unsatisfying sex. Which is why I'm so cautious about it.
Before this relationship I spent a few years celibate. I valued the time I spent by myself and didn't want to just jump into something with someone that was shallow or passing. So I ended up with this wonderful guy. I got blessed there, but then when we started being intimate, it was less than satisfying. That threw me for a loop cuz I thought I would be happy to just be with someone I loved, who loved me, and we were good to each other. I thought that after living without sex mattering to me, that once I was with someone it still wouldn't matter and I would be happy with whatever I got because it came with love. But I guess I'm not. And now I have to work on the sex with him.
It's funny, cuz I've had/done the opposite before: had a GREAT sexual relationship but the rest(emotions, compatibility, etc.) either had to be worked on or was nonexistant and caused the end of the relationship. That was MUCH easier than this - where we have love for each other and a good all around relationship in every other area - except the bedroom.
I'm gonna try to pick up a book this weekend and try that out.
Archer - You lost me on the "Sin" "Temptation" "Primal Pleasures" parts but I'm guessing you're talking about sex which is always a good thing. lol
Scorp5pt0 - I appreciate you sharing that. I am definitely thinking about a lifetime of unsatisfying sex. Which is why I'm so cautious about it.
Before this relationship I spent a few years celibate. I valued the time I spent by myself and didn't want to just jump into something with someone that was shallow or passing. So I ended up with this wonderful guy. I got blessed there, but then when we started being intimate, it was less than satisfying. That threw me for a loop cuz I thought I would be happy to just be with someone I loved, who loved me, and we were good to each other. I thought that after living without sex mattering to me, that once I was with someone it still wouldn't matter and I would be happy with whatever I got because it came with love. But I guess I'm not. And now I have to work on the sex with him.
It's funny, cuz I've had/done the opposite before: had a GREAT sexual relationship but the rest(emotions, compatibility, etc.) either had to be worked on or was nonexistant and caused the end of the relationship. That was MUCH easier than this - where we have love for each other and a good all around relationship in every other area - except the bedroom.
I'm gonna try to pick up a book this weekend and try that out.
Archer - You lost me on the "Sin" "Temptation" "Primal Pleasures" parts but I'm guessing you're talking about sex which is always a good thing. lol
Actually, if you read into sexual astrology this is not weird for a Virgo man. Virgo men tend to be more voyeuristic than other signs. Just saying.
That was my experience archer. To a "T".
Probably explains my Leo lust at the moment.
Probably explains my Leo lust at the moment.
I agree, looking into sexual astrology could be helpful! Virgos live in their mind a lot and that may impact their sex life...my brother is a virgo, course I don't know how he is in the bed department but...I know he likes a certain kind of women: the pristine, little virgin type who abides by traditional role. He's engaged and I doubt that his fiancee would bring up the topic in the bedroom and revendicate her needs...and there is the whore type in his mind...
So maybe at the roots of your guy's issue is the madonna/whore complex: maybe he sees you as a madonna (I prefer to think that you're both as I am, lol) and thus cannot relax in a bedroom...Just my take.
But in more practical terms, the advice about getting books on sex is a great one. Just log on amazon...Don't overwelhm him at first. Just buy one of those erotic books and put it on the bedside table to read. Erotic novels may work as well: try Robin Schone..think that is her name. Sex doesn't have to be exciting through one night stands, you can create fantasy for him. But if you two are supposed to make any progress, he has to be able to speak about it...you don't solve a problem by tucking it under the bed. It just a hurdle and relationships are full of them: it is not the most pleasant perhaps but not as bad as lack of love/emotional involvement in a relationship.
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