Gemini man, splitting me in two
This topic was created in the Relationships forum by stardance on Sunday, May 4, 2008 and has 5 replies.
Well, it's now been two years with a mostly wonderful Gem. We've had some extraordinarily happy memories, but frequent stumbles in our lives together. He moved in and committed to living together. We agreed to this in hope it would help us make up our mind one way or another. The thing is, he admits he is still looking for something better, though he loves me very much. I feel somewhat trapped because we have made a financial partnership. Emotionally I am fragile. So I wake and sleep with worry and fear about the day I find he has cheated, or simply met someone he is attracted to more. He is brutally honest with me, but it is still brutal. The next week he holds me and tells me I am the one, he is clear and ready to move forward. Next week we are back to him feeling bored and restless. It has really taken a toll on me. I wish I had the strength to walk away. I am just as bad, as I go from wanting to end it and get far away from him, to realizing we do have a lot of good times and maybe, just maybe he will work out his demons and we can finally find security about us.
I wont try to explain or excuse my lack of strength in accepting this behavior. He treats me well most of the time. He has intimate phone conversations with other close women friends and past lovers. He loves them and wants to help them if they need him. He swears that he has not had sex with anyone but me in two years, but I think that is where the faithfulness ends. He is a player at heart and fears he will never really change.
I have stayed away from these boards as I wanted to think clearly for myself. I'm ready for input again though I'm feeling weary and a fool both. You don't need to state the obvious, why do I stay, etc. No one is perfect, I don't like to be alone, maybe I have seperation issues, I don't know. I just know I love him very much but it hurts too much to stay and too much to leave.
I wont try to explain or excuse my lack of strength in accepting this behavior. He treats me well most of the time. He has intimate phone conversations with other close women friends and past lovers. He loves them and wants to help them if they need him. He swears that he has not had sex with anyone but me in two years, but I think that is where the faithfulness ends. He is a player at heart and fears he will never really change.
I have stayed away from these boards as I wanted to think clearly for myself. I'm ready for input again though I'm feeling weary and a fool both. You don't need to state the obvious, why do I stay, etc. No one is perfect, I don't like to be alone, maybe I have seperation issues, I don't know. I just know I love him very much but it hurts too much to stay and too much to leave.
all I can offer is I was with a Gem for nearly 5 years..despite him being present and living with me he kept Very blurry lines with his ex. Not to mention other paranoid and prying into private things that he had no need to. And he did it to spite me because he misunderstood something one day in the beginning of our relationship. so he sorta tugged that ex gfriend along throughout our relationship to get me upset or cause drama moreso. Some Gems I have known, don't take such emotions to heart that may hurt another at the same level you may..they are very flighty, very free, not deep. They feel things..yet they dont have much staying power, never at the depth to understand until they have total loss. It may be innocent in fact yet they will never feel the same way you do for seeing what you do. They are chatty and commuicators at best this will aways be present. So if you are an emotional person, with complex levels to your soul..you can let this mistrust eat away at you and make you very unhappy or just decide to not live with it anymore and choose to find something that makes you feel more secure. I learned because I tolerated it way too long and it got the best of me, so thats why I say that.
Thanks for your message Capri31, it is helpful to find someone who has been thru this, not just people who can't understand how anyone could stay in a relationship that hurts. It's not like I set out for that, not even that I want to martyr, because I don't. It's more like I remain in a blurry fog that keeps me uncertain as to the right thing to do. No certain words will change my course until I'm finally ready to make a change. Friends and family tell us to keep working on it, because they see us as good together and good for each other.
I definetely have deep emotions as any cancer would, but I so much want to rein them in to balance. It may not work out with my Gem, but I think for now I need to wait until his feelings will stabilize. If I compare his moods swings a year ago, he is doing much better, but it has been hard on me.
I definetely have deep emotions as any cancer would, but I so much want to rein them in to balance. It may not work out with my Gem, but I think for now I need to wait until his feelings will stabilize. If I compare his moods swings a year ago, he is doing much better, but it has been hard on me.
Stardance, as you already know, you have a dependence on him, which is making it too hard, or frightening, to leave him = the fog you talk about.
So, if you become fully aware of this (that you are dependent upon your love for him), then maybe you can use this dependence to free yourself by using it with somebody else.
A long time ago, when I was married to my first husband (Gemini), I knew that it was wrong, that I was unhappy ... but, like you, I also loved him so much that I became attached/dependent on this love to carry me through to the next day, sometimes, the next second. Once realization hit me about this .. I was able to transfer this attachment to another person. Without doubt, that is re-bound, that is still a dependence ... but, then I was able to see that I was still alive. Being with another person, even if attached, didn't cause me to go insane without him.
Sort of like quitting to smoke cigarettes ... after a month of eating like a million pretzels sticks and gaining 20 pounds .. the realization hits .. if I can survive without being dependent on a cigarette, then I can also survive without being on pretzel sticks.
After several months attached to another man ... I was able to come to this awareness also ... if I can survive without Gemini husband, then I can survive without new boyfriend .... and so put a wedge in, so I could find my way out of his life, and into my own.
And you can do that too .... if your Gemini boyfriend has women he has close and intimate relationships with for his own sense of freedom within his dependence upon you .. then you can do this too, for yourself. Find a nice man who will embrace your heart, and what you are going through .. even if it's only in the moment, just long enough for you to find strength in being dependent upon him caring for your heart long enough for you to set yourself free.
So, if you become fully aware of this (that you are dependent upon your love for him), then maybe you can use this dependence to free yourself by using it with somebody else.
A long time ago, when I was married to my first husband (Gemini), I knew that it was wrong, that I was unhappy ... but, like you, I also loved him so much that I became attached/dependent on this love to carry me through to the next day, sometimes, the next second. Once realization hit me about this .. I was able to transfer this attachment to another person. Without doubt, that is re-bound, that is still a dependence ... but, then I was able to see that I was still alive. Being with another person, even if attached, didn't cause me to go insane without him.
Sort of like quitting to smoke cigarettes ... after a month of eating like a million pretzels sticks and gaining 20 pounds .. the realization hits .. if I can survive without being dependent on a cigarette, then I can also survive without being on pretzel sticks.
After several months attached to another man ... I was able to come to this awareness also ... if I can survive without Gemini husband, then I can survive without new boyfriend .... and so put a wedge in, so I could find my way out of his life, and into my own.
And you can do that too .... if your Gemini boyfriend has women he has close and intimate relationships with for his own sense of freedom within his dependence upon you .. then you can do this too, for yourself. Find a nice man who will embrace your heart, and what you are going through .. even if it's only in the moment, just long enough for you to find strength in being dependent upon him caring for your heart long enough for you to set yourself free.
Wow, I am so impressed. I'm not being sarcastic, I mean it. You guys have a really good read on my situation, my tendency and weaknesses. So thank you, this is all really good advice and thoughts that I can relate with. It's funny, he is out of town and we just talked for 2 hrs. The subject was where we are going with our relationship. How we need to either learn to be happier with each other, or we should move on.
I agree that I need to take control of my emotions and be responsible for my own happiness. The older we are, the harder it is to change the way we have always been, but I aim high and I will work hard for change.
Re-bound does not interest me, I am a the heart of cancer, hopelessly romantic loyal & faithful, I would feel like I was using the rebound man for my short term comfort. I agree it is much healthier to heal inside before you try to go there with someone new. I don't mean to sound judgemental, I am only refering to this camelot romantic mind of mine. I think re-bound might work well for some and as long as everyone is a consenting adult then live and let live.
Thanks again capri31, p-angel, simplyme, jrussou. I will change. I will find the joy in my life again.
I agree that I need to take control of my emotions and be responsible for my own happiness. The older we are, the harder it is to change the way we have always been, but I aim high and I will work hard for change.
Re-bound does not interest me, I am a the heart of cancer, hopelessly romantic loyal & faithful, I would feel like I was using the rebound man for my short term comfort. I agree it is much healthier to heal inside before you try to go there with someone new. I don't mean to sound judgemental, I am only refering to this camelot romantic mind of mine. I think re-bound might work well for some and as long as everyone is a consenting adult then live and let live.
Thanks again capri31, p-angel, simplyme, jrussou. I will change. I will find the joy in my life again.
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