Guys, What to do after breaking up, to get him back?

Posted by Ixi

Posted by gendut

I am very confused right now.

So I just broke up couple days a go with my 1 year boyfriend. At first I don't accept it, but after 2 days trying his decisions is final. We lived together,so I asked him to send me back, and he stays the night, because I don't want to be alone.

Reason of break up, he said we don't match. We love each other but we can not live together. I told him I will changed etc, but he said 1 year he sees enough, and he know the future will getting worse.

So the last couple days we just crying together, and sometimes he explained again why is not working. It's not only me, he knows he will hurt me also in the future etc.


What's makes me confused is, he maintanance the good communication with me. When we were apart, we always chat and vidio call every single time. And now he still doing the same. After break up, he still texts me while working, at home we cuddled (those 2 days while I was trying) and when he send me home, we still like before,we hugs and kisses before he left. Then when his back, he keeps texting me as before, I just ignored it.Then he video called me like before, then also texting me and voice message about what in house etc.


What should I do? I don't want just brush him off, and he will thinks I moved on. But I don't want to be his "friends" or worse fwb. I want him to misses me and know that our break up is mistake and together is better. What should I do? If I said don't contact me for a while, maybe he will do that, but then I will misses him very much and it hurts.

Mightbe he does all of that, because he knows how difficult this break up for me?

I'm sorry for the pain. It truly sucks having to break a bond that you're not quite over yet.


I won't attempt to read his mind. I would recommend that you don't try to either.


When you break up it's important to have clear boundaries. Since he broke up its imperative that he live by the boundaries of a non-romantic connection.


While it won't happen immediately since your relationship with him has changed you need to redraw your boundaries around the relationship.


Things that were once a part of your "girlfriend package"need to be taken off the table. So anything intimate you would do for a partner exclusively (sex, cuddling, massages, heavy flirting, etc.) Need to be taken out of the equation and off of the table. If you get back together then maybe you can start to reintroduce them.


If he wants the "girlfriend package" he will need to commit.


Be aware though he is giving you very strong signals to not be together I suggest you put distance and take time for yourself.

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Posted by hellosaggy

he broke it off, separate himself from co-habitaton, but probably doesn't have a back up plan. which is a good thing, he probably was honest about it not working. However, he's being selfish by blurring the lines. When you break up you have to be fine being alone, or away from the person you broke up with. People aren't meant to be solitary creatures, so looking for comfort is normal, but its unfair to the person you just split from.


Give yourself space to deal with the separation. His disclaimer of it not working only gives him pivots to push/pull with you.

Posted by peachy06

Some of you here have no pride or something...

Posted by gendut

Posted by hellosaggy

he broke it off, separate himself from co-habitaton, but probably doesn't have a back up plan. which is a good thing, he probably was honest about it not working. However, he's being selfish by blurring the lines. When you break up you have to be fine being alone, or away from the person you broke up with. People aren't meant to be solitary creatures, so looking for comfort is normal, but its unfair to the person you just split from.


Give yourself space to deal with the separation. His disclaimer of it not working only gives him pivots to push/pull with you.

Should I block him (it's too extreme)? Or really ignored all his calls for couple weeks? I just really want him to realize that he needs me and want me in his life . Now he know he needs me, because we connected in so many levels, that is why he maintain the same comunication. But Ofcourse I don't want to just give my care and attention for free. I want him to realize,if at the end he want me, he should to work things out. But if in the end he still firm that we better separate, then be it,live without me.

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Posted by gendut

I am very confused right now.

So I just broke up couple days a go with my 1 year boyfriend. At first I don't accept it, but after 2 days trying his decisions is final. We lived together,so I asked him to send me back, and he stays the night, because I don't want to be alone.

Reason of break up, he said we don't match. We love each other but we can not live together. I told him I will changed etc, but he said 1 year he sees enough, and he know the future will getting worse.

So the last couple days we just crying together, and sometimes he explained again why is not working. It's not only me, he knows he will hurt me also in the future etc.


What's makes me confused is, he maintanance the good communication with me. When we were apart, we always chat and vidio call every single time. And now he still doing the same. After break up, he still texts me while working, at home we cuddled (those 2 days while I was trying) and when he send me home, we still like before,we hugs and kisses before he left. Then when his back, he keeps texting me as before, I just ignored it.Then he video called me like before, then also texting me and voice message about what in house etc.


What should I do? I don't want just brush him off, and he will thinks I moved on. But I don't want to be his "friends" or worse fwb. I want him to misses me and know that our break up is mistake and together is better. What should I do? If I said don't contact me for a while, maybe he will do that, but then I will misses him very much and it hurts.

Mightbe he does all of that, because he knows how difficult this break up for me?

Posted by Seajatt

Posted by gendut

I am very confused right now.

So I just broke up couple days a go with my 1 year boyfriend. At first I don't accept it, but after 2 days trying his decisions is final. We lived together,so I asked him to send me back, and he stays the night, because I don't want to be alone.

Reason of break up, he said we don't match. We love each other but we can not live together. I told him I will changed etc, but he said 1 year he sees enough, and he know the future will getting worse.

So the last couple days we just crying together, and sometimes he explained again why is not working. It's not only me, he knows he will hurt me also in the future etc.


What's makes me confused is, he maintanance the good communication with me. When we were apart, we always chat and vidio call every single time. And now he still doing the same. After break up, he still texts me while working, at home we cuddled (those 2 days while I was trying) and when he send me home, we still like before,we hugs and kisses before he left. Then when his back, he keeps texting me as before, I just ignored it.Then he video called me like before, then also texting me and voice message about what in house etc.


What should I do? I don't want just brush him off, and he will thinks I moved on. But I don't want to be his "friends" or worse fwb. I want him to misses me and know that our break up is mistake and together is better. What should I do? If I said don't contact me for a while, maybe he will do that, but then I will misses him very much and it hurts.

Mightbe he does all of that, because he knows how difficult this break up for me?

Sounds sad all the way around. I have no advice, but now might be a good time to lean on friends and family so you have support.

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Posted by Undine

Posted by gendut

Posted by hellosaggy

he broke it off, separate himself from co-habitaton, but probably doesn't have a back up plan. which is a good thing, he probably was honest about it not working. However, he's being selfish by blurring the lines. When you break up you have to be fine being alone, or away from the person you broke up with. People aren't meant to be solitary creatures, so looking for comfort is normal, but its unfair to the person you just split from.


Give yourself space to deal with the separation. His disclaimer of it not working only gives him pivots to push/pull with you.

Should I block him (it's too extreme)? Or really ignored all his calls for couple weeks? I just really want him to realize that he needs me and want me in his life . Now he know he needs me, because we connected in so many levels, that is why he maintain the same comunication. But Ofcourse I don't want to just give my care and attention for free. I want him to realize,if at the end he want me, he should to work things out. But if in the end he still firm that we better separate, then be it,live without me.

Your plan is flawed. Nobody misses someone after only 2 weeks. Besides, he came to his conclusion over one year, so no tricks are going to make him forget the realisation that he can’t live with you, for whatever reasons.


If you like talking to each other from time to time, you could become friendly acquaintances. This is what he’s offering you right now. There is no offence in choosing not to live his life with you! He tried and it wasn’t working for him. You’ve got to respect his decision.


You, however, are on your best way to be labelled an asshole, which will be one more reason for him to congratulate himself for breaking up with you.

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Posted by SassyKiwi

You cut him off, take time to cry your heart/soul out until you can't shed anymore tears and then go get hotter and live your life to the fullest without him. There will always be a better man than him out there.

Posted by gendut

Posted by SassyKiwi

You cut him off, take time to cry your heart/soul out until you can't shed anymore tears and then go get hotter and live your life to the fullest without him. There will always be a better man than him out there.

Thank you.

Cutting him off immediately is impossible meantime, that I managing some of his assets. But I don't want him to disturb me anytime he want it.

Even I want to getting back with him, I also need to prepare myself to move on.


And love the poms 😍

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Posted by gendut

Posted by Undine

Posted by gendut

Posted by hellosaggy

he broke it off, separate himself from co-habitaton, but probably doesn't have a back up plan. which is a good thing, he probably was honest about it not working. However, he's being selfish by blurring the lines. When you break up you have to be fine being alone, or away from the person you broke up with. People aren't meant to be solitary creatures, so looking for comfort is normal, but its unfair to the person you just split from.


Give yourself space to deal with the separation. His disclaimer of it not working only gives him pivots to push/pull with you.

Should I block him (it's too extreme)? Or really ignored all his calls for couple weeks? I just really want him to realize that he needs me and want me in his life . Now he know he needs me, because we connected in so many levels, that is why he maintain the same comunication. But Ofcourse I don't want to just give my care and attention for free. I want him to realize,if at the end he want me, he should to work things out. But if in the end he still firm that we better separate, then be it,live without me.

Your plan is flawed. Nobody misses someone after only 2 weeks. Besides, he came to his conclusion over one year, so no tricks are going to make him forget the realisation that he can’t live with you, for whatever reasons.


If you like talking to each other from time to time, you could become friendly acquaintances. This is what he’s offering you right now. There is no offence in choosing not to live his life with you! He tried and it wasn’t working for him. You’ve got to respect his decision.


You, however, are on your best way to be labelled an asshole, which will be one more reason for him to congratulate himself for breaking up with you.

Thank you.

But it's not like friendly acquaintance. He messages me a lot like every hour, he reporting himself what he's doing, he asking me what am I doing. When I'm not answering he called me, and asks why am I not answering. Is like for him, just our status and touch (now we separate) are off. Should he himself respect his decisions?

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Posted by Ixi

Also please don't make excuses for your decision to stay or your decision to go, own whatever choice you make.


If you start out any course of action with self-deception you will sabotage yourself later down the line.

Posted by Undine

Posted by gendut

Posted by Undine

Posted by gendut

Posted by hellosaggy

he broke it off, separate himself from co-habitaton, but probably doesn't have a back up plan. which is a good thing, he probably was honest about it not working. However, he's being selfish by blurring the lines. When you break up you have to be fine being alone, or away from the person you broke up with. People aren't meant to be solitary creatures, so looking for comfort is normal, but its unfair to the person you just split from.


Give yourself space to deal with the separation. His disclaimer of it not working only gives him pivots to push/pull with you.

Should I block him (it's too extreme)? Or really ignored all his calls for couple weeks? I just really want him to realize that he needs me and want me in his life . Now he know he needs me, because we connected in so many levels, that is why he maintain the same comunication. But Ofcourse I don't want to just give my care and attention for free. I want him to realize,if at the end he want me, he should to work things out. But if in the end he still firm that we better separate, then be it,live without me.

Your plan is flawed. Nobody misses someone after only 2 weeks. Besides, he came to his conclusion over one year, so no tricks are going to make him forget the realisation that he can’t live with you, for whatever reasons.


If you like talking to each other from time to time, you could become friendly acquaintances. This is what he’s offering you right now. There is no offence in choosing not to live his life with you! He tried and it wasn’t working for him. You’ve got to respect his decision.


You, however, are on your best way to be labelled an asshole, which will be one more reason for him to congratulate himself for breaking up with you.

Thank you.

But it's not like friendly acquaintance. He messages me a lot like every hour, he reporting himself what he's doing, he asking me what am I doing. When I'm not answering he called me, and asks why am I not answering. Is like for him, just our status and touch (now we separate) are off. Should he himself respect his decisions?

Every hour? *eye roll*

Is he unemployed?

Is he afraid you’ll going to kill yourself over him? Tell him you’re having a party, should call tomorrow or even better, next week.

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Posted by cake

It's not uncommon to go back to an ex. At some point, most of us will experience it or have experienced it already. Idk where you are in your life but I hope whichever road you choose, it will help you grow and find clarity. It's easy to see things much clearer outside of the relationship but things can get blurry when you're in it. Having said that, at least keep some of the advice provided (even the unsolicited) from this thread.

Posted by LadyNeptune

Tell him you want to respect his decision to end things. But in order to do so you need to go no contact for awhile to process your grief over the relationship ending.


The reality is, until you are both no longer living together…it’s gonna be messy.

Posted by Truemara

What is he saying he can’t work on? I’d be like it sound you really don’t want out since you keep calling

Maybe we can work it out.

Posted by ImperfectStorm

The absolute worst thing that you can do is to try to prolong or prevent a breakup that someone else is initiating. That will only make the break up worse and delay the inevitable. You have to release it knowing that you offered your best and that you cannot force people to stay. Maybe after some time apart you will have an opportunity to try again but if he needs a break now, it’s probably for good reason. But I also agree that you should do no contact or whatever it takes to separate yourself from the situation and focus on healing instead of focusing on trying to repair what he is intentionally severing.

Posted by Ixi

Posted by gendut

Please Help...

A lot happened today. I beg him to not contacting me anymore etc. So he said he will do it. He send me no text anymore (for couple hours)

But later that night he called me again,and I stupidly answering him again. He was crying so I break the ice, we talk like we used to be. Then at the end we have arguments again. Now for him we are on break somehow, he want to see my effort if I changed whatsoever, That's makes me frustrated. He only adresses all my fault and only I need to change and behave, so he will took me back.

So I told him what his doing is not right, he can not throw me away, breaking up with me and in one day said another thing. I do not adresses his problem (the argument will get sour) , but it seems he forgot he makes mistakes too.

So I told him again to give me some space to think, to not contacting me. Because I want to learn to live without him, then I will think again.

But I don't think he understands. He really took me for granted. I do still want to be with him, but he still can not understand he need to change too.


Sorry, you guys must be frustrated. At first I said I want getting back with him, now the opportunity is there, I don't want it. And all of you said to make boundaries and take time, but I am still comunicating with him.


So how to do it now? Is blocking him is still too extreme? Or I just need to ignore all his messages and call no matter what now (This is my Plan now) .

Because I really do think comunicate with him is useless. But at this point, I don't know if ignoring him can bring something, because he don't seem to see he have problem too.

Decent advice, take all of the below with a grain of salt.


https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/10-core-breakup-boundaries-that-every-person-should-live-by/

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Posted by saggurl88

Everyone gave some solid advice, I think the same. Boundaries are needed so that it doesn't turn into a fwb situation. If he wants to date, then so be it. I wouldn't change your standards of wanting a relationship, just because he's blurring the lines.

Posted by gendut

Posted by saggurl88

Everyone gave some solid advice, I think the same. Boundaries are needed so that it doesn't turn into a fwb situation. If he wants to date, then so be it. I wouldn't change your standards of wanting a relationship, just because he's blurring the lines.

Thank you.

I need to clear my head too, and hope time will reveal everything.

I do want to come back with him,but from our last convo, he thinks that I'd still begging to be with him. He could not be more wrong. I am very attached person, and he tooks it away from me, now I learn that it is not that bad without him. Unless he learned to work things out instead blaming me or wish me to change and do harder, I will stand my ground. Wish me luck

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Posted by Parilicium

'I will change'

🤣

Posted by gendut

Hi,

Just lonely and want to write something (better than being weak and contacting him right)


I don't know what happened today, I missed him .

I just recalled our last call weeks a go, before he came to me. He just adressing all of my fault and I should change so he will come back to me, sadly he doesn't understand his fault that destroy my love and our relationship,he just brush it off. Maybe because the whole time I always forgave him, he thinks that flirting in chat with another girl was just little thing.

I was so mad at me to love a shallow man like that.

He can not live with messy me (apparently 3times a week of cleaning his home not enough) but I should live with his narcissist and his on and off looking for hookers anywhere.


In our last chat is also like that,he bullshitly said he does want to live and can live with only one girl (me) in his life, but I messed it up because my behavior always annoyed him.

MY BEHAVIOR! not because of him still want the thrill of new woman and ONS, but 'my behavior' (that not letting him to do so , have a trust issue on him, and being suspicious) that what destroy the relationship 🥴

Is he really stupid thinking like that? Or That's only gaslighting thingy, so he feels good of himself?


I am so mad at him but more with myself. Why am I putting myself in this situation. Why I put up with this for so long. And why I still misses him and secretly want him back.

Posted by gendut

Hi,

Just lonely and want to write something (better than being weak and contacting him right)


I don't know what happened today, I missed him .

I just recalled our last call weeks a go, before he came to me. He just adressing all of my fault and I should change so he will come back to me, sadly he doesn't understand his fault that destroy my love and our relationship,he just brush it off. Maybe because the whole time I always forgave him, he thinks that flirting in chat with another girl was just little thing.

I was so mad at me to love a shallow man like that.

He can not live with messy me (apparently 3times a week of cleaning his home not enough) but I should live with his narcissist and his on and off looking for hookers anywhere.


In our last chat is also like that,he bullshitly said he does want to live and can live with only one girl (me) in his life, but I messed it up because my behavior always annoyed him.

MY BEHAVIOR! not because of him still want the thrill of new woman and ONS, but 'my behavior' (that not letting him to do so , have a trust issue on him, and being suspicious) that what destroy the relationship 🥴

Is he really stupid thinking like that? Or That's only gaslighting thingy, so he feels good of himself?


I am so mad at him but more with myself. Why am I putting myself in this situation. Why I put up with this for so long. And why I still misses him and secretly want him back.

Posted by geminiflyby

Where was the part where he was getting with hookers? Are you kidding me? You're still around after that?

Posted by LadyNeptune

Posted by gendut

Hi,

Just lonely and want to write something (better than being weak and contacting him right)


I don't know what happened today, I missed him .

I just recalled our last call weeks a go, before he came to me. He just adressing all of my fault and I should change so he will come back to me, sadly he doesn't understand his fault that destroy my love and our relationship,he just brush it off. Maybe because the whole time I always forgave him, he thinks that flirting in chat with another girl was just little thing.

I was so mad at me to love a shallow man like that.

He can not live with messy me (apparently 3times a week of cleaning his home not enough) but I should live with his narcissist and his on and off looking for hookers anywhere.


In our last chat is also like that,he bullshitly said he does want to live and can live with only one girl (me) in his life, but I messed it up because my behavior always annoyed him.

MY BEHAVIOR! not because of him still want the thrill of new woman and ONS, but 'my behavior' (that not letting him to do so , have a trust issue on him, and being suspicious) that what destroy the relationship 🥴

Is he really stupid thinking like that? Or That's only gaslighting thingy, so he feels good of himself?


I am so mad at him but more with myself. Why am I putting myself in this situation. Why I put up with this for so long. And why I still misses him and secretly want him back.

Honestly he is doing you a big favor. By continuing to act the asshole he is making it that much easier to shut the door on him for good.

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Posted by saggurl88

Posted by gendut

Hi,

Just lonely and want to write something (better than being weak and contacting him right)


I don't know what happened today, I missed him .

I just recalled our last call weeks a go, before he came to me. He just adressing all of my fault and I should change so he will come back to me, sadly he doesn't understand his fault that destroy my love and our relationship,he just brush it off. Maybe because the whole time I always forgave him, he thinks that flirting in chat with another girl was just little thing.

I was so mad at me to love a shallow man like that.

He can not live with messy me (apparently 3times a week of cleaning his home not enough) but I should live with his narcissist and his on and off looking for hookers anywhere.


In our last chat is also like that,he bullshitly said he does want to live and can live with only one girl (me) in his life, but I messed it up because my behavior always annoyed him.

MY BEHAVIOR! not because of him still want the thrill of new woman and ONS, but 'my behavior' (that not letting him to do so , have a trust issue on him, and being suspicious) that what destroy the relationship 🥴

Is he really stupid thinking like that? Or That's only gaslighting thingy, so he feels good of himself?


I am so mad at him but more with myself. Why am I putting myself in this situation. Why I put up with this for so long. And why I still misses him and secretly want him back.

Good for you for standing up for your own principles and choosing not to be disrespected for it.

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Posted by pisceanloves

And by the way, never change for anyone. If someone isn't a match they can kick a rock. People are unique and you'll be a perfect match for another. This all sounds so toxic I can't even. Relationships, where people are able to relax internally and be themselves - thrive, the ones, when you have to walk on eggshells - crumble down. You are setting yourself up for failure I'm telling you. People do not change, you can not change who you are, there's nothing that needs to be changed about you, you are perfect in your own way, you are unique.

Posted by alexscaries

Posted by gendut

Hi.. Stupid me back again with update but not a new news.

I was back with him for couple months, and couple weeks a go we broke up again. I know this time for sure.

My mental health getting worse, I self harming so he discard me.

It feels terrible and hurting so much. I'm healing and learning about myself right now. I know I'm codependent and in trauma bonding right now. In weak time I still want him. Even with all those things he done, he not sorry at all.

Everything is hurting so much. If I didnt get back with him, he will still want me and missing me somewhere in his mind or in his heart if he has any. But now he's completely done with me. I feel used and useless.


Sorry guys to turned this thread so dark. But I need a place to venting. No one know I'm self harming because of him, I can't tell anyone how stupid I am. I feel so alone and lost.

Usually if you get back with someone the same patterns repeat and you break up again, even worse as you are stacking resentment and past hurt on top. Which is why once I break up I am done.


I have no experience of self harm or people with self harm so I can't help.


With codependency I think it is a trap a lot of people fall into. Really dangerous, you usually end up with a parent child relationship. Seen it a lot with the man as a child. I would day it is a good thing you are aware and sadly you can't rely on a person for your happiness. I would also add it is too much to ask of someone to be a carer and a lover, when I say carer I don't mean caring for someone, I mean more like a home help.


You summed it up in the last sentence alone and lost. You're not stupid for self harming or getting back with him or missing him. I'm alone and lost most of the time I just try to put my energy into getting back on track with a career.

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Posted by blvck

None of this really makes any sense to me. He is the one that said he thinks the future will get worse AND that he thinks he will hurt you in the future.. Do you think he was lying about that? That should tell you everything you need to know. I have no idea why he thinks you moved on or is worried about that when he is the one breaking it off for specific reasons. You should listen to those reasons instead of trying to force something that he told you won't work.

Posted by Jan12girl

Posted by gendut

Hi.. Stupid me back again with update but not a new news.

I was back with him for couple months, and couple weeks a go we broke up again. I know this time for sure.

My mental health getting worse, I self harming so he discard me.

It feels terrible and hurting so much. I'm healing and learning about myself right now. I know I'm codependent and in trauma bonding right now. In weak time I still want him. Even with all those things he done, he not sorry at all.

Everything is hurting so much. If I didnt get back with him, he will still want me and missing me somewhere in his mind or in his heart if he has any. But now he's completely done with me. I feel used and useless.


Sorry guys to turned this thread so dark. But I need a place to venting. No one know I'm self harming because of him, I can't tell anyone how stupid I am. I feel so alone and lost.

What’s your and his sign ?


not trying to put this on astrology but still trying to link what sign guy is narcissistic (maybe ) , strong to end things when not working and yet play games of lingering. Also what sign women get so weak in love ? ( not saying any of it to put you down ) . I will say more something about it later.


Also From one of your posts I feel there are options for him that he wants to be free to explore .

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Posted by Jan12girl

I would also like to add. I will tell you an unfortunate fact. When someone is soo helplessly "in love" they expect other person to understand even if they become weak, extremely emotional and act mad in a way . I am speaking from experience (may be not similar stories or scenarios) that even our partners / lovers judge us. If they see you lacking control completely they lose respect. Some of them will run away from you and some will walk all over you.

Posted by geminiflyby

Don't try to get him back. Try to get YOU back.

Posted by Jan12girl

I would also like to add. I will tell you an unfortunate fact. When someone is soo helplessly "in love" they expect other person to understand even if they become weak, extremely emotional and act mad in a way . I am speaking from experience (may be not similar stories or scenarios) that even our partners / lovers judge us. If they see you lacking control completely they lose respect. Some of them will run away from you and some will walk all over you.