Help! I'm a sag, he's a cancer.
This topic was created in the Relationships forum by sagittarius843 on Sunday, November 17, 2013 and has 7 replies.
Hello, I'm a sagittarius woman and I've been dating my cancer man for 9 months now. He's told me before he's depressed and that he cuts himself. I've seen all the scars, I know he does this. And we've talked about it and everything. He also gets angry very easily. He's 100% a cancer --- very, VERY moody. Thursday night, we were on the phone and we were fine and happy. We were making plans for Saturday. His friend, my friend, him, and myself were going to all get together Saturday and just hang out like normal people! Bonfire, movies, food, talk, music -- all that. and so, Friday comes and I ride home with him from school and everything is fine. We're just playing around. And Thursday night he told me on the phone he wants to be happy and start to do stuff with people again so he was so excited for Saturday to come!
His parents are very lazy. They make him do EVERYTHING for him. It's pretty bad. They don't really care for anyone except them selves. So, his parents always go up a few hours to see the USC football games--every home game. And he's always gone to them with them because they've always made him. Well, this weekend he didn't think he was going to go. His mom calls and tells him to take me home because he's going to the game. BOOM. He gets so upset and moody and angry. I try to talk to him about it and everything but he won't speak to me. He drops me off, I get out of the car. Nothing I can really do. Well, his parents end up not even going to the game. So, Friday night he calls me and we don't really speak. He ends up saying "goodnight, talk to you tomorrow" out of nowhere and im just there saying "no no no stay no dont go" and he hangs up. and then saturday comes and i text him asking whats up for today! and he says nothing.
He stayed home all saturday in bed doing nothing and that made me so mad. Last weekend, he did the same thing all weekend. he stayed in bed, ignoring me, not choosing to be with me. you don't know how much that makes me upset and mad. so, i lost it and i told him it's stupid and rude and that i hate when he does this shit. because i do. and i am never mean to him, i never even express my anger to him. im so nice to him all the time. and then he texts back and sends me this:"Well im so fxcking sorry that you actually had to get out of your fcking bed and get dressed because God forbid your lazy ass does something for once in this god damn world so fck you youre the one who's stupid why dont you go fcking do something with
His parents are very lazy. They make him do EVERYTHING for him. It's pretty bad. They don't really care for anyone except them selves. So, his parents always go up a few hours to see the USC football games--every home game. And he's always gone to them with them because they've always made him. Well, this weekend he didn't think he was going to go. His mom calls and tells him to take me home because he's going to the game. BOOM. He gets so upset and moody and angry. I try to talk to him about it and everything but he won't speak to me. He drops me off, I get out of the car. Nothing I can really do. Well, his parents end up not even going to the game. So, Friday night he calls me and we don't really speak. He ends up saying "goodnight, talk to you tomorrow" out of nowhere and im just there saying "no no no stay no dont go" and he hangs up. and then saturday comes and i text him asking whats up for today! and he says nothing.
He stayed home all saturday in bed doing nothing and that made me so mad. Last weekend, he did the same thing all weekend. he stayed in bed, ignoring me, not choosing to be with me. you don't know how much that makes me upset and mad. so, i lost it and i told him it's stupid and rude and that i hate when he does this shit. because i do. and i am never mean to him, i never even express my anger to him. im so nice to him all the time. and then he texts back and sends me this:"Well im so fxcking sorry that you actually had to get out of your fcking bed and get dressed because God forbid your lazy ass does something for once in this god damn world so fck you youre the one who's stupid why dont you go fcking do something with
Wow
This guy is really damaged. He hasn't dealt with the source of what's truly hurting him b/c he's STILL dealing with those sources (his parents). So in the least, you know he won't be able to begin managing his depression that's related to his parents until he stands up to them once & for all, AND until he separates himself from them.
Everything he's doing seems normal of someone who is damaged & who has controlling & manipulative parents. The solution to us on the outside may seem common-sense & easy, but he's the one in the middle of the turmoil so understand that his sense of perception is distorted, unlike ours are. Trust me, he's dealing with an internal pain that is much bigger than you can probably even imagine.
The solution to his problems is NOT to hang out with you in some fairy tale feel-good world. The solution is for him to go get some professional help. Nothing in him will change (it will only get worse) until he seeks professional help. Even the best relationship in the world will NOT change him b/c his pain outweighs the joy he gets from the relationship. UNDERSTAND THIS!
I'm glad that you stood up to him b/c damaged or not, you deserve to be treated with respect & not stood up. However, don't take his erratic moods/behavior/decisions, personal. Don't take it personal. Why not? B/c YOU are not the real root of the problem. You are just the punching bag. It's unfortunate, but this tends to happen when 1 completely normal person is trying to have a healthy relationship with someone who is completely damaged & isn't capable of doing so.
Ask him to go seek professional help. Not b/c it'll make YOU feel better, but b/c that's what HE needs. He'll never be able to love himself, deal with stress in healthy ways, battle his depression or fully enjoy a relationship with anybody until he gets professional help.
I know you love him BUT if you can't handle the reality of him most likely still being this way for a lot longer, then do him the justice/favor & leave him. The kinds of issues/pain he's dealing with are intertwined into many layers & will not dissolve or go away over night. If you can't handle that or don't feel that you have the energy/fuel to stick it through, then don't. Doesn't mean you don't love him or that you're giving up on him, but moreso that you're admitting that you're way in over your head here.
Beg him to get professional help. Let him know that getting professional help is a process that is discree
This guy is really damaged. He hasn't dealt with the source of what's truly hurting him b/c he's STILL dealing with those sources (his parents). So in the least, you know he won't be able to begin managing his depression that's related to his parents until he stands up to them once & for all, AND until he separates himself from them.
Everything he's doing seems normal of someone who is damaged & who has controlling & manipulative parents. The solution to us on the outside may seem common-sense & easy, but he's the one in the middle of the turmoil so understand that his sense of perception is distorted, unlike ours are. Trust me, he's dealing with an internal pain that is much bigger than you can probably even imagine.
The solution to his problems is NOT to hang out with you in some fairy tale feel-good world. The solution is for him to go get some professional help. Nothing in him will change (it will only get worse) until he seeks professional help. Even the best relationship in the world will NOT change him b/c his pain outweighs the joy he gets from the relationship. UNDERSTAND THIS!
I'm glad that you stood up to him b/c damaged or not, you deserve to be treated with respect & not stood up. However, don't take his erratic moods/behavior/decisions, personal. Don't take it personal. Why not? B/c YOU are not the real root of the problem. You are just the punching bag. It's unfortunate, but this tends to happen when 1 completely normal person is trying to have a healthy relationship with someone who is completely damaged & isn't capable of doing so.
Ask him to go seek professional help. Not b/c it'll make YOU feel better, but b/c that's what HE needs. He'll never be able to love himself, deal with stress in healthy ways, battle his depression or fully enjoy a relationship with anybody until he gets professional help.
I know you love him BUT if you can't handle the reality of him most likely still being this way for a lot longer, then do him the justice/favor & leave him. The kinds of issues/pain he's dealing with are intertwined into many layers & will not dissolve or go away over night. If you can't handle that or don't feel that you have the energy/fuel to stick it through, then don't. Doesn't mean you don't love him or that you're giving up on him, but moreso that you're admitting that you're way in over your head here.
Beg him to get professional help. Let him know that getting professional help is a process that is discree
...Beg him to get professional help. Let him know that getting professional help is a process that is discreet (his parents will NOT find out about this if he's over 18 years of age) & possibly FREE if he takes to Google & looks for local clinics that will link him up to Counseling agencies for free.
thank you so much. I really don't know what to do here because he's not even talking to me. He's actually younger than I am.. I'm 17 on december first and he's 16. He just turned 16.
heres the rest of the post:
someone else besides me and your little fkcing computer because i dont fcking care."
i didn't reply. he texts me again a few hours later saying "I think we need to take a break brooke"
i never texted back yesterday until this morning and i said "i don't agree with the taking a break thing. if you want time alone and everything then you can just tell me and i won't bother you about hanging out and i'll understand. i was just frustrated and i never really even get mad at you or if i do, i never really show it. i don't think taking a break would be the most appropriate thing to do because Friday morning you said we were happy and just Thursday and all of last week we were good and happy, I'll stop bugging you if that's what i did but i think taking a break would fck stuff up. you should just call me so we can talk about this all because i'm not really into everything thats going on right now. just call me or text me"
i'm so confused.
someone else besides me and your little fkcing computer because i dont fcking care."
i didn't reply. he texts me again a few hours later saying "I think we need to take a break brooke"
i never texted back yesterday until this morning and i said "i don't agree with the taking a break thing. if you want time alone and everything then you can just tell me and i won't bother you about hanging out and i'll understand. i was just frustrated and i never really even get mad at you or if i do, i never really show it. i don't think taking a break would be the most appropriate thing to do because Friday morning you said we were happy and just Thursday and all of last week we were good and happy, I'll stop bugging you if that's what i did but i think taking a break would fck stuff up. you should just call me so we can talk about this all because i'm not really into everything thats going on right now. just call me or text me"
i'm so confused.
Oh wow you guys are so young!
Your brains aren't even done growing yet! I'm not saying that you don't have the ability to feel love, but neither of you are experienced enough yet to understand & navigate through the process of extreme pain/trauma.
He's got too many issues. Issues that you can't fix for him. He's ignoring you b/c you attacked him at a time when he was feeling extremely hurt, controlled & vulnerable. Yes, we on the outside may feel that you speaking out against what you don't like, was a necessary move. But right now, he's so consumed in his OWN troubles/pain that he has no room to think about things from YOUR point of view.
He probably feels that everyone around him is judging him, trying to control him or is criticizing him. You were probably the only light he sees outside of the drama going on everywhere else in his life. When you confronted him, that light blew out. He's reacting in the way a person does when they feel they've been attacked by everyone from every angle, b/c that's how he feels.
That may not really be the truth. Obviously you love him & were just sticking up for yourself for once. But it doesn't matter b/c perception is reality. And if he perceived your words as an attack, he's going to react (ignore you or attack you back) in the way that people usually react when they feel they're being attacked
What he needs to understand though is that people aren't always going to walk on egg shells around him. Him being so damaged does not give him a free pass to be disrespectful, inconsistent & giving others less than what they've earned
Your brains aren't even done growing yet! I'm not saying that you don't have the ability to feel love, but neither of you are experienced enough yet to understand & navigate through the process of extreme pain/trauma.
He's got too many issues. Issues that you can't fix for him. He's ignoring you b/c you attacked him at a time when he was feeling extremely hurt, controlled & vulnerable. Yes, we on the outside may feel that you speaking out against what you don't like, was a necessary move. But right now, he's so consumed in his OWN troubles/pain that he has no room to think about things from YOUR point of view.
He probably feels that everyone around him is judging him, trying to control him or is criticizing him. You were probably the only light he sees outside of the drama going on everywhere else in his life. When you confronted him, that light blew out. He's reacting in the way a person does when they feel they've been attacked by everyone from every angle, b/c that's how he feels.
That may not really be the truth. Obviously you love him & were just sticking up for yourself for once. But it doesn't matter b/c perception is reality. And if he perceived your words as an attack, he's going to react (ignore you or attack you back) in the way that people usually react when they feel they're being attacked
What he needs to understand though is that people aren't always going to walk on egg shells around him. Him being so damaged does not give him a free pass to be disrespectful, inconsistent & giving others less than what they've earned
He is not relationship-material. I'm sure he's a loving guy with a lot of good things going for him. Hell, I'm sure he cares a lot about you. But he's not ready for a relationship.
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