High Esteem or High Maintenance?
This topic was created in the Relationships forum by coldwater on Wednesday, May 8, 2013 and has 29 replies.
Can you tell the difference in a relationship? Do you think that they are one in the same? Just curious.....
I see high maintenance as needy. And it's a massive turn off. High Self Esteem turns me on, especially when it comes to who's dominating who in the bedroom.
Posted by Neurath
I see high maintenance as needy. And it's a massive turn off. High Self Esteem turns me on, especially when it comes to who's dominating who in the bedroom.
Self esteem is quiet...unspoken. There is no need to brag or boast. You just simply do. Often times those who are high maintenance are that way because they are insecure at their core. They play games and manipulate ultimately because they are running from the truth...about themselves.
Ok...but what about this scenerio.
Say u see a girl and on your manometer, youd say she was a ten. She carries herself well, keeps herself groomed from head to toe, well mannered, beautiful personality, the whole nine. Then say you are a man that well.... may or may not be as interested in your being. Say you get a haircut every month, or you dont really care what you wear, etc. We will call you a three or four. Now say you approach said girl and you two begin to date. Then you two become gf/bf. Now naturally all this "hotness" needs to be maintained. Now say your new gf wants you to contribute to keeping her hot. Now all the sudden would you see her as high maintenance or would she be that same beautiful, well manicured, awesome personality girl that attracted you to her in the first place?
Say u see a girl and on your manometer, youd say she was a ten. She carries herself well, keeps herself groomed from head to toe, well mannered, beautiful personality, the whole nine. Then say you are a man that well.... may or may not be as interested in your being. Say you get a haircut every month, or you dont really care what you wear, etc. We will call you a three or four. Now say you approach said girl and you two begin to date. Then you two become gf/bf. Now naturally all this "hotness" needs to be maintained. Now say your new gf wants you to contribute to keeping her hot. Now all the sudden would you see her as high maintenance or would she be that same beautiful, well manicured, awesome personality girl that attracted you to her in the first place?
Well its like you see it all the time. You ever see a woman with a man and go....dang whats she see in him? Or...how did he get her...he must be rich. Or even vice versa. I mean all standards of beauty are different and different things attract people to different people.
And as far as what you are contributing...whatever she needs. Maybe she wants to go shopping and get her hair done, or buy a new pair of shoes, etc. The point is she wants to look like a ten and I assume you want to keep looking like a ten.
So.....?
And as far as what you are contributing...whatever she needs. Maybe she wants to go shopping and get her hair done, or buy a new pair of shoes, etc. The point is she wants to look like a ten and I assume you want to keep looking like a ten.
So.....?
She doesnt want him to take care of her....just contribute. I guess the way I typed it out maybe made it seem like a money thing. I was trying to portray it as a...this is my gf and I want her to have what she needs thing. I guess what im getting at is why is she viewed as now, undesirable because she asks her partner to do things for her?
Posted by coldwater
Well its like you see it all the time. You ever see a woman with a man and go....dang whats she see in him? Or...how did he get her...he must be rich. Or even vice versa. I mean all standards of beauty are different and different things attract people to different people.
And as far as what you are contributing...whatever she needs. Maybe she wants to go shopping and get her hair done, or buy a new pair of shoes, etc. The point is she wants to look like a ten and I assume you want to keep looking like a ten.
So.....?
It could be that he's maintaining her material wise or it could be he has that and true self esteem. Don't underestimate the power of having real confidence and esteem in yourself. Its the law of nature. Like attracts like and opposites attract. A man or woman who has that self esteem becomes very attractive although their looks may not be up to par. Plus, people have leaned to hide low self esteem VERY well. All you get is a gut feeling "that something ain't right" after a short amount of observation. But most show it quickly anyway lol.
Ok...I can really understand what your saying beautiful soul. Maybe he needs something that he sees in her. Maybe her high esteem is what he desires for himself and he is attracted by her confidence. Do you think though hanging around this man might just drain her self esteem? If he doesnt care about his standards, then maybe thats why hes not so receptive to what she needs and wants. Then maybe she begins to stop caring as much or now shes an 7 or 8 instead of a 9 or ten.
I see that too. Its like one person becomes insecure and suddenly what they found appealing in their mates, well now they want them to change. Dress less provacative...cover up...dont put makeup on, just a few examples.
I see that too. Its like one person becomes insecure and suddenly what they found appealing in their mates, well now they want them to change. Dress less provacative...cover up...dont put makeup on, just a few examples.
Posted by coldwater
Ok...I can really understand what your saying beautiful soul. Maybe he needs something that he sees in her. Maybe her high esteem is what he desires for himself and he is attracted by her confidence. Do you think though hanging around this man might just drain her self esteem? If he doesnt care about his standards, then maybe thats why hes not so receptive to what she needs and wants. Then maybe she begins to stop caring as much or now shes an 7 or 8 instead of a 9 or ten.
I see that too. Its like one person becomes insecure and suddenly what they found appealing in their mates, well now they want them to change. Dress less provacative...cover up...dont put makeup on, just a few examples.
I see what you're saying CW. Look at the big picture. People come into our lives to show us things about them and ourselves. The good and the bad. We learn the quickest by seeing and that's both the negative and positive. Perhaps he's there to show her what's its like to be confident and secure in herself. To use her inner strength to shine. The door swings both ways. By having self esteem, you also will have strength to accept and love someone who may be viewed as lesser in several ways, but simple needs someone to encourage he/him to grow.
Signed Up: Jan 27, 2012
Comments: 4343 · Posts: 13269 · Topics: 69
Comments: 4343 · Posts: 13269 · Topics: 69
Coldwater,
I understand exactly what you mean. When he wants to do something for her, whenever he feels generous, it should be what she apparently likes. I had a guy that liked to go out to eat. I don't particularly fancy eating out but he wanted to act like he was doing something for me and was rather obnoxious about it.
I've had men approach me, sometimes barely acquaintances, thinking that I am high maintenance but, I do it all myself, my hair, my nails, etc. and I don't wear make-up. The one's who say high maintenance, I add at the end of getting ready that if I wore make-up, I wouldn't be ready this fast - to prove my point to them.
So, as you were saying, if he likes what he sees, he should feel inclined, whenever he feels generous, to do something for her that is apparent that she likes. If you see I like jewelry, make-up, nail polish, shoes, etc. then why do something else?
If a man likes nice $ 100+ jeans, tennis shoes, or likes to eat out, I don't interpret it as high maintenance... unless, I'm a cheap-ass or he can't afford his own life style ; then, it no longer feels like a gift but a burden. I peeped his style and liked it so?
Also, they don't think about what you spend in clothes, perfume, etc. They just like what they see and smell. And that is where the issues come up in marriage if it goes that far.
I understand exactly what you mean. When he wants to do something for her, whenever he feels generous, it should be what she apparently likes. I had a guy that liked to go out to eat. I don't particularly fancy eating out but he wanted to act like he was doing something for me and was rather obnoxious about it.
I've had men approach me, sometimes barely acquaintances, thinking that I am high maintenance but, I do it all myself, my hair, my nails, etc. and I don't wear make-up. The one's who say high maintenance, I add at the end of getting ready that if I wore make-up, I wouldn't be ready this fast - to prove my point to them.
So, as you were saying, if he likes what he sees, he should feel inclined, whenever he feels generous, to do something for her that is apparent that she likes. If you see I like jewelry, make-up, nail polish, shoes, etc. then why do something else?
If a man likes nice $ 100+ jeans, tennis shoes, or likes to eat out, I don't interpret it as high maintenance... unless, I'm a cheap-ass or he can't afford his own life style ; then, it no longer feels like a gift but a burden. I peeped his style and liked it so?
Also, they don't think about what you spend in clothes, perfume, etc. They just like what they see and smell. And that is where the issues come up in marriage if it goes that far.
From my perspective, those who hold high esteem will have no need to be high maintenance. And those who are high maintenance, for example spending much money on their physical appearance, hours getting ready, and perhaps shop excessively are lacking somewhere inside themselves a certain amount of self esteem. Confidence and self respect can only stem from the inside as a result of self acceptance- any amount of material bulk is an attempt to make up for whatever is lacking inwardly.
Signed Up: Jan 27, 2012
Comments: 4343 · Posts: 13269 · Topics: 69
Comments: 4343 · Posts: 13269 · Topics: 69
I personally find a man who doesn't cook and whose home is a mess high maintenance.
Signed Up: Jan 27, 2012
Comments: 4343 · Posts: 13269 · Topics: 69
Comments: 4343 · Posts: 13269 · Topics: 69
Posted by djbuck1
I notice what you do. And I notice how you present yourself.
How you've had your hair done. It doesn't just happen to "be that way."
I notice what you're wearing. I know you didn't just grab the first thing out of the closet. You had a long discussion with yourself before you picked that dress. And as always, you made the right choice.
From across the table, I can see how this time you chose the blue eye shadow, not the green, and the lipstick you put on . . . not too much, not too little. And how did you manage that delicate touch?
I notice your jewelry. The delicate ear-rings, and the fact that you always prefer silver to gold. Your necklace, your watch, the rings you wear. You want to draw my eyes, and you do.
You're wearing the cologne I gave you. Maybe it's not your first choice, but you wore it for me. And I notice.
The way you walk, your bearing, the way you look right into my eyes, the way you command a room . . . you don't need to say a word, because you are already telling me what you think of me, and what you think of yourself.
I pay attention. I do notice. And I love that you took such pains for us and for our evening.
Lovely, just lovely.
Signed Up: Jan 27, 2012
Comments: 4343 · Posts: 13269 · Topics: 69
Comments: 4343 · Posts: 13269 · Topics: 69
Posted by feby16aqua
Lol ok I get itI wonder how many women can honestly say they would choose love over money.
I've always chosen love. I might be stupid though lol
I chose love over money.
I'm not reading through this whole thread...
In any case, if she thinks she's THAT "hot" and has "upkeep" to maintain said "hotness" that IS high maintenance no question about it!
In any case, if she thinks she's THAT "hot" and has "upkeep" to maintain said "hotness" that IS high maintenance no question about it!
The reason I chose the girl as a ten was because i wanted you to envision this beautiful woman according to your standards. Everyone defines beautiful as something different,so whatever your "10" is thats the best possible to you. Now the man being a 3 or 4 just shows a reference as well. A 3 or 4 compared to a ten....
My thinking of this hotgirl 10 would be self sufficient, great personality, independant
,etc. So...she doesnt need anyone to "take care of her"
I mean if someone outside looking in would comsider her materialistic, her self esteem would not care because shes doing it for her, not for attention. I mean i dont think having alot of material things is over compensating for low self esteem. Cant she just be really into hetself? So at what point would you comsider it self esteem vs high maintenence
My thinking of this hotgirl 10 would be self sufficient, great personality, independant
,etc. So...she doesnt need anyone to "take care of her"
I mean if someone outside looking in would comsider her materialistic, her self esteem would not care because shes doing it for her, not for attention. I mean i dont think having alot of material things is over compensating for low self esteem. Cant she just be really into hetself? So at what point would you comsider it self esteem vs high maintenence
And...if you see a girl and say shes versace down. Head to toe. Why would you even approach or date said girl and expect her to shop at local thrift? Then...
When she looks at you like your crazy....shes high maintenance.
These are just examples..
.just trying to see how general consensus is.
When she looks at you like your crazy....shes high maintenance.
These are just examples..
.just trying to see how general consensus is.
Posted by coldwater
And...if you see a girl and say shes versace down. Head to toe. Why would you even approach or date said girl and expect her to shop at local thrift? Then...
When she looks at you like your crazy....shes high maintenance.
These are just examples..
.just trying to see how general consensus is.
You can get Versace at the local thrift... just saying
If you NEED "upkeep" then you don't have a high esteem period!
Ok gucci down then
Posted by size zero superheroPosted by coldwater
And...if you see a girl and say shes versace down. Head to toe. Why would you even approach or date said girl and expect her to shop at local thrift? Then...
When she looks at you like your crazy....shes high maintenance.
These are just examples..
.just trying to see how general consensus is
The first overpriced trend that came to mind were those tacky Juicy Couture velour sweatsuits from back in the day. 300 $ pissed away just to resemble a life-sized rhinestone-covered bottle of Pepto-Bismol. LMAO. And SOME people had the nerve to wear Juicy sweats as normal everyday clothes!
Taste and money were never mutually-exclusive. That's all I gotta say.click to expand
lmao! My Leo sister in law used to live in Juicy! She was overweight and short so she looked like a plush weeble-wooble. lordy, lordy...
I remember watching "Good Hair" w/ Chris Rock and I couldn't believe the type of maintenance and money went into weaves and sistas wanting their men to pay for the "up keep'. Starting price was like $ 1000 or something.
America is funny
Posted by coldwater
Can you tell the difference in a relationship? Do you think that they are one in the same? Just curious.....
"There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who walk into a room and say, "There you are!" and those who walk into a room and say, "Here I am""
Abigail Van Buren
Can you tell which one is high maintenance?
I like the way u think BalmyTigress!
Well its certainly not about labels, (label whores we can them here), but maybe moreso about the amount of effort one puts into oneself. Is it wrong to love yourself? I mean no one says someones "high maintanance when you walk into their home and say you find hundreds of books. Instead, one would say...hmmm that persons enlightened. So...if you walk into a girls closet and you see 65 pair of shoes, 40 purses etc....why cant she be "enlightened" as well? It does take a certain amount of skill to shop at good deals. (Ever see those extreme shopping tv shows?)
I mean alot of women I know like to shop. Now im not professing to know every woman, but most women have more than one pair of shoes in their closets.
Just saying....
I mean alot of women I know like to shop. Now im not professing to know every woman, but most women have more than one pair of shoes in their closets.
Just saying....
And in regards to him contributing to her....its like this.....
If I have 65 pair of shoes, the last thing I wanna hear a man say is I dont need another pair. Who are you...the shoe patrol?
Maybe he could offer to build ma a shoe rack to place the shoes on?
If I have 65 pair of shoes, the last thing I wanna hear a man say is I dont need another pair. Who are you...the shoe patrol?
Maybe he could offer to build ma a shoe rack to place the shoes on?
Until you know someone's heart you really don't know.
Posted by BalmyTigress
"There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who walk into a room and say, "There you are!" and those who walk into a room and say, "Here I am""
Abigail Van Buren
Can you tell which one is high maintenance?
The "there you are!" one. Clearly I've been hiding, but he or she found me anyway.
Nope..reread and try again like YOU are the one walking into a room and speaking.
Posted by shellshockerPosted by size zero superheroPosted by coldwater
And...if you see a girl and say shes versace down. Head to toe. Why would you even approach or date said girl and expect her to shop at local thrift? Then...
When she looks at you like your crazy....shes high maintenance.
These are just examples..
.just trying to see how general consensus is
The first overpriced trend that came to mind were those tacky Juicy Couture velour sweatsuits from back in the day. 300 $ pissed away just to resemble a life-sized rhinestone-covered bottle of Pepto-Bismol. LMAO. And SOME people had the nerve to wear Juicy sweats as normal everyday clothes!
Taste and money were never mutually-exclusive. That's all I gotta say.
lmao! My Leo sister in law used to live in Juicy! She was overweight and short so she looked like a plush weeble-wooble. lordy, lordy...
I remember watching "Good Hair" w/ Chris Rock and I couldn't believe the type of maintenance and money went into weaves and sistas wanting their men to pay for the "up keep'. Starting price was like $ 1000 or something.
America is funnyclick to expand
The nonsisters also pay a fortune for their weaves. Its just not as advertised.
There is also psychological implications on why sistas spend that much money on weaves.
I like nice things and afford it all myself. If my man wanted to treat me to anything, have at it. This venus cappy keeps score so he would get more back in return. His friends would be so jealous.
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