How do I know when a relationship turns abusive?

This topic was created in the Relationships forum by queenalfsigir on Sunday, July 8, 2018 and has 22 replies.
I am a Pisces woman that has been with an Aquarius man (great compatibility, I know) for about two months now. We have had a few hiccups here and there, and whenever this happens, he completely shuts down and refuses to talk to me. The most recent occasion was about two days ago now, after I saw someone tagging him in very "lovey dovey" things. I confront him about this and he says she is an ex who believes they will get back together, and he does not want to hurt her. When I show that I'm upset about this, he also gets upset and completely stops talking to me. How do I know when these mood swings go from irritating to emotionally abusive?
You should blame it on his ex not him 😑
I don’t think it’s abusive. He just doesn’t like to be wrong. Aquarius are never wrong 😄😄😄

Just don’t atrack him. Tell him how you feel about it but without making him feel guilty, that way he could open up to you.

If you atrack anyone they will always shut down
Don’t get mad at him. Tell him it turns you off. If he continues, stop giving him affection. But never get mad at him.
Watch Law & Order and then you’ll be able to know.
Posted by queenalfsigir

I am a Pisces woman that has been with an Aquarius man (great compatibility, I know) for about two months now. We have had a few hiccups here and there, and whenever this happens, he completely shuts down and refuses to talk to me. The most recent occasion was about two days ago now, after I saw someone tagging him in very "lovey dovey" things. I confront him about this and he says she is an ex who believes they will get back together, and he does not want to hurt her. When I show that I'm upset about this, he also gets upset and completely stops talking to me. How do I know when these mood swings go from irritating to emotionally abusive?
I wouldn't say this relationship is abusive, but it isn't healthy (borderline toxic). The problem is the Aquarius isn't taking responsibility for his own actions. He's being passive aggressive and is making it seem like you're wrong for being upset. Meanwhile he's shutting you out while still talking to his ex. Does that sound right to you? It definitely shouldn't feel right. This is what we call "the silent treatment" and "gaslighting". Both are techniques used to silently punish the other person while making them feel crazy about their own emotions. Simply put, you're being manipulated.

At no point does this behavior make sense in a healthy relationship. More than likely the Aqua has an unresolved connection with his ex and refuses deep down to let her go. When an Aqua is done with an ex, they are done and communication is shut off. However when when an Aqua is not truly done with an ex, they'll attempt to distance themselves but wont cut off their heart completely. They'll swear up and down that the ex is out of the picture, but still won't be able to shake those feelings deep down. This can eventually lead to them dropping their supposed love interest to reconcile with the ex.

The easiest way to know if an Aqua is over their ex is if they can't shake them. Aquas are fixed signs, they're either in or they're out. Likewise the easiest way to know how much an Aqua cares is if they choose to change their behavior once they realize that you've been hurt. An Aqua who isn't willing to compromise is unfortunately not really into you.

My advice is to let the Aqua go do his own thing. Walk away and give him th space to do whatever he pleases. This will free yourself up for other opposrtunities in love. The worst thing you can do is to set yourself up as an option or someone's plaything. True love comes from within and sometimes it's up to you to cut your losses and find a more suitable partner. If the Aqua can't give you what you need, don't force it. Just find someone else who will.
Posted by Smidge

Abuse? Come on now pisces
This 👆

Although if his behavior is really upsetting you...why stick around? 2 months, 60 days, it’s not like you’ve invested years, money, and have kids with this dude.

No need to label him with abuse. Call it incompatibility and move tf on. People don’t change.
Also when you say you’ve ‘been with him’ for two months what does that mean?

Bf/gf. Dating. Casually seeing each other. What exactly?

Cause you don’t really have the right to be upset that he’s still talking to his ex unless your ‘together’ together.
Posted by Waterbearerwearer

Posted by Chuckcem

Posted by queenalfsigir

I am a Pisces woman that has been with an Aquarius man (great compatibility, I know) for about two months now. We have had a few hiccups here and there, and whenever this happens, he completely shuts down and refuses to talk to me. The most recent occasion was about two days ago now, after I saw someone tagging him in very "lovey dovey" things. I confront him about this and he says she is an ex who believes they will get back together, and he does not want to hurt her. When I show that I'm upset about this, he also gets upset and completely stops talking to me. How do I know when these mood swings go from irritating to emotionally abusive?
I wouldn't say this relationship is abusive, but it isn't healthy (borderline toxic). The problem is the Aquarius isn't taking responsibility for his own actions. He's being passive aggressive and is making it seem like you're wrong for being upset. Meanwhile he's shutting you out while still talking to his ex. Does that sound right to you? It definitely shouldn't feel right. This is what we call "the silent treatment" and "gaslighting". Both are techniques used to silently punish the other person while making them feel crazy about their own emotions. Simply put, you're being manipulated.

At no point does this behavior make sense in a healthy relationship. More than likely the Aqua has an unresolved connection with his ex and refuses deep down to let her go. When an Aqua is done with an ex, they are done and communication is shut off. However when when an Aqua is not truly done with an ex, they'll attempt to distance themselves but wont cut off their heart completely. They'll swear up and down that the ex is out of the picture, but still won't be able to shake those feelings deep down. This can eventually lead to them dropping their supposed love interest to reconcile with the ex.

The easiest way to know if an Aqua is over their ex is if they can't shake them. Aquas are fixed signs, they're either in or they're out. Likewise the easiest way to know how much an Aqua cares is if they choose to change their behavior once they realize that you've been hurt. An Aqua who isn't willing to compromise is unfortunately not really into you.

My advice is to let the Aqua go do his own thing. Walk away and give him th space to do whatever he pleases. This will free yourself up for other opposrtunities in love. The worst thing you can do is to set yourself up as an option or someone's plaything. True love comes from within and sometimes it's up to you to cut your losses and find a more suitable partner. If the Aqua can't give you what you need, don't force it. Just find someone else who will.


I agree with most of what you’re saying bar the part where you assume that Aqua shutting down is acting with no propriety.

Aqua know when shit isn’t flying well. They see it coming and have very little tolerance for small talk or emotional chasing of the tail.

Usually when conflicts arise there’s a level of understanding that needs to happen before any kind of reconciliation is possible.

People who sweep shit under the carpet trip on that later.

Aqua would ideally prefer to work it out with a rational discussion (fixed air modus operandi) than any other way.

No finger pointing no kicking dogs while they are down. We will fkn run.

We tend to receive info in the spirit it’s given so if you’re chill and open we will follow suit.

Play games and we will bounce.
click to expand
Yes, but context is everything. This Aqua is clearly using the silent treatment, so the onus is on him. There can't be a healthy functional relationship without open communication. Just because he may feel the need to shut down the conversation, doesn't mean it's the right move.

In this particular case OP has a legitimate concern because her boyfriend is not communicating with her while still communicating with his ex. Likewise he knows the ex is trying to reconcile, so it's not hard to see that there's something very wrong in this scenario. Furthermore OP should be made aware that the Aqua may not know what is going on in his own mind/heart right now. The fact that he isn't shaking off his ex is a bad sign.
Posted by tiziani

Posted by Chuckcem

Posted by Waterbearerwearer

Posted by Chuckcem

Posted by queenalfsigir

I am a Pisces woman that has been with an Aquarius man (great compatibility, I know) for about two months now. We have had a few hiccups here and there, and whenever this happens, he completely shuts down and refuses to talk to me. The most recent occasion was about two days ago now, after I saw someone tagging him in very "lovey dovey" things. I confront him about this and he says she is an ex who believes they will get back together, and he does not want to hurt her. When I show that I'm upset about this, he also gets upset and completely stops talking to me. How do I know when these mood swings go from irritating to emotionally abusive?
I wouldn't say this relationship is abusive, but it isn't healthy (borderline toxic). The problem is the Aquarius isn't taking responsibility for his own actions. He's being passive aggressive and is making it seem like you're wrong for being upset. Meanwhile he's shutting you out while still talking to his ex. Does that sound right to you? It definitely shouldn't feel right. This is what we call "the silent treatment" and "gaslighting". Both are techniques used to silently punish the other person while making them feel crazy about their own emotions. Simply put, you're being manipulated.

At no point does this behavior make sense in a healthy relationship. More than likely the Aqua has an unresolved connection with his ex and refuses deep down to let her go. When an Aqua is done with an ex, they are done and communication is shut off. However when when an Aqua is not truly done with an ex, they'll attempt to distance themselves but wont cut off their heart completely. They'll swear up and down that the ex is out of the picture, but still won't be able to shake those feelings deep down. This can eventually lead to them dropping their supposed love interest to reconcile with the ex.

The easiest way to know if an Aqua is over their ex is if they can't shake them. Aquas are fixed signs, they're either in or they're out. Likewise the easiest way to know how much an Aqua cares is if they choose to change their behavior once they realize that you've been hurt. An Aqua who isn't willing to compromise is unfortunately not really into you.

My advice is to let the Aqua go do his own thing. Walk away and give him th space to do whatever he pleases. This will free yourself up for other opposrtunities in love. The worst thing you can do is to set yourself up as an option or someone's plaything. True love comes from within and sometimes it's up to you to cut your losses and find a more suitable partner. If the Aqua can't give you what you need, don't force it. Just find someone else who will.


I agree with most of what you’re saying bar the part where you assume that Aqua shutting down is acting with no propriety.

Aqua know when shit isn’t flying well. They see it coming and have very little tolerance for small talk or emotional chasing of the tail.

Usually when conflicts arise there’s a level of understanding that needs to happen before any kind of reconciliation is possible.

People who sweep shit under the carpet trip on that later.

Aqua would ideally prefer to work it out with a rational discussion (fixed air modus operandi) than any other way.

No finger pointing no kicking dogs while they are down. We will fkn run.

We tend to receive info in the spirit it’s given so if you’re chill and open we will follow suit.

Play games and we will bounce.
Yes, but context is everything. This Aqua is clearly using the silent treatment, so the onus is on him. There can't be a healthy functional relationship without open communication. Just because he may feel the need to shut down the conversation, doesn't mean it's the right move.

In this particular case OP has a legitimate concern because her boyfriend is not communicating with her while still communicating with his ex. Likewise he knows the ex is trying to reconcile, so it's not hard to see that there's something very wrong in this scenario. Furthermore OP should be made aware that the Aqua may not know what is going on in his own mind/heart right now. The fact that he isn't shaking off his ex is a bad sign.
Well I agree context is everything and on that note wouldn't it be better to actually know what was said first?

Silent treatment can be emotionally abusive yes, but if the OP was going off at the mouth saying abusive shit herself then I'd be less surprised he doesn't want to hear it.
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That's fair, but we can't just assume OP was being verbally abusive either. Also this has now happened more than once, so there's a pattern of communication being shutdown. That just isn't healthy. It means OP has to now tiptoe around her boyfriend whenever she has concern.

Even more so we all know that relationships are emotional. Even though relationships often benefit from both partners acting rationally, relationships aren't always logical. Therefore we can't belittle OP's emotional reaction in a scenario where she was clearly hurt. Likewise the self respecting thing for her to do is to not tolerate a situation that she doesn't feel is right for her. While she can't force the Aqua to communicate, it's also not her responsibility to wait for him to do so.
Posted by Waterbearerwearer

Posted by Chuckcem

Posted by Waterbearerwearer

Posted by Chuckcem

Posted by queenalfsigir

I am a Pisces woman that has been with an Aquarius man (great compatibility, I know) for about two months now. We have had a few hiccups here and there, and whenever this happens, he completely shuts down and refuses to talk to me. The most recent occasion was about two days ago now, after I saw someone tagging him in very "lovey dovey" things. I confront him about this and he says she is an ex who believes they will get back together, and he does not want to hurt her. When I show that I'm upset about this, he also gets upset and completely stops talking to me. How do I know when these mood swings go from irritating to emotionally abusive?
I wouldn't say this relationship is abusive, but it isn't healthy (borderline toxic). The problem is the Aquarius isn't taking responsibility for his own actions. He's being passive aggressive and is making it seem like you're wrong for being upset. Meanwhile he's shutting you out while still talking to his ex. Does that sound right to you? It definitely shouldn't feel right. This is what we call "the silent treatment" and "gaslighting". Both are techniques used to silently punish the other person while making them feel crazy about their own emotions. Simply put, you're being manipulated.

At no point does this behavior make sense in a healthy relationship. More than likely the Aqua has an unresolved connection with his ex and refuses deep down to let her go. When an Aqua is done with an ex, they are done and communication is shut off. However when when an Aqua is not truly done with an ex, they'll attempt to distance themselves but wont cut off their heart completely. They'll swear up and down that the ex is out of the picture, but still won't be able to shake those feelings deep down. This can eventually lead to them dropping their supposed love interest to reconcile with the ex.

The easiest way to know if an Aqua is over their ex is if they can't shake them. Aquas are fixed signs, they're either in or they're out. Likewise the easiest way to know how much an Aqua cares is if they choose to change their behavior once they realize that you've been hurt. An Aqua who isn't willing to compromise is unfortunately not really into you.

My advice is to let the Aqua go do his own thing. Walk away and give him th space to do whatever he pleases. This will free yourself up for other opposrtunities in love. The worst thing you can do is to set yourself up as an option or someone's plaything. True love comes from within and sometimes it's up to you to cut your losses and find a more suitable partner. If the Aqua can't give you what you need, don't force it. Just find someone else who will.


I agree with most of what you’re saying bar the part where you assume that Aqua shutting down is acting with no propriety.

Aqua know when shit isn’t flying well. They see it coming and have very little tolerance for small talk or emotional chasing of the tail.

Usually when conflicts arise there’s a level of understanding that needs to happen before any kind of reconciliation is possible.

People who sweep shit under the carpet trip on that later.

Aqua would ideally prefer to work it out with a rational discussion (fixed air modus operandi) than any other way.

No finger pointing no kicking dogs while they are down. We will fkn run.

We tend to receive info in the spirit it’s given so if you’re chill and open we will follow suit.

Play games and we will bounce.
Yes, but context is everything. This Aqua is clearly using the silent treatment, so the onus is on him. There can't be a healthy functional relationship without open communication. Just because he may feel the need to shut down the conversation, doesn't mean it's the right move.

In this particular case OP has a legitimate concern because her boyfriend is not communicating with her while still communicating with his ex. Likewise he knows the ex is trying to reconcile, so it's not hard to see that there's something very wrong in this scenario. Furthermore OP should be made aware that the Aqua may not know what is going on in his own mind/heart right now. The fact that he isn't shaking off his ex is a bad sign.


We are hearing one side of the story.

Maybe OP is incessant or intense. I’d be interested in knowing what her mars venus and merc were doing.

Aqua want to communicate we actually are quite in your face with it however if the narrative becomes accusatory or shit flinging we will shut down.

In psychological terms it’s deemed the highest form of coping strategy on the Maslow chart. To disassociate while people are worshipping their feelings is better than hitting the bottle or venting on social media.


I can say at times it’s weaponised af but in this case I don’t think so.

Aqua appreciates chill, 1st 2nd decans especially. Maybe op is busting his balls.
click to expand
Fair. I've personally seen some Aqua's act passive aggressively and avoid difficult situations while I've seen others be more confrontational//blunt. Basically I don't assume any one Aqua or person is built alike. Even still that doesn't explain why the Aqua is communicating with an ex who is looking to reconcile. Regardless of everything else, that's a problem.
He's not abusive (how melodramatic).

He's not pushed into, passive aggressive, blah, blah, blah, blah blah.

It's been two tiny months.

Here's some Aqua logic for him:

If it goes bad, i.e. bad feelings, questioning of abuse, accusations of passive-aggression, melodramatic illustration, "shutting down..."

...the probability and statics of break-up, bad relationship is very high... which it should be.

Honeymoon feelings of courtship over at month 2? Geez...

I would say cut your losses but, at two months, there are none.
For everyone saying I'm accusing him or being over dramatic, I told him "My friend noticed you seem to have a #1 fan, that's pretty odd". He then decides to tell me about this ex. I never accused or got angry with him, I was hurt because he hid something from me that I think is a big deal. Keep in mind that this is also an ex from, as he said, *a year ago*. I was very upset that I have to suffer because he lied to me and she won't move on. Granted, I don't know exactly what happened and I can't put all the blame on one person, but he has had two months to tell me even the slightest about this. He has also lied to me before, because we had first met through social media. He was *four* years younger than he told me, and only told me the truth after we had talked for a month or so. I was very hurt, but I told him, then and there, that there would be no more lies between us, and he agreed. This was when the exclusive two months started.

He has abandonment issues and has had problems throughout his life, and I want to be there for him and help him move past all of that. But I can't keep sacrificing myself like this everyday, especially after growing up in an abusive home and being in many abusive relationships. Furthermore, I don't think anyone else has the right to judge on what they see as abusive or not. Keeping secrets, lying to my face, putting me as a romantic second priority, that is abusive to me.
...Another non-abusive relationship thread.....

GEEZ!
Posted by queenalfsigir

He has abandonment issues and has had problems throughout his life, and I want to be there for him and help him move past all of that. But I can't keep sacrificing myself like this everyday, especially after growing up in an abusive home and being in many abusive relationships. Furthermore, I don't think anyone else has the right to judge on what they see as abusive or not. Keeping secrets, lying to my face, putting me as a romantic second priority, that is abusive to me.
States the Captain-Save-An-Aqua-Who-Is-Emotionally-Unavailable

If you had an brass balls under those overly-sensitive panties of yours, you would have simply contacted his ex and told her to f*ck off...and insisted that he cut all ties and communications with her....or lose you.

It's not that difficult to do.

Abuse?

Girl bye!

Posted by queenalfsigir

For everyone saying I'm accusing him or being over dramatic, I told him "My friend noticed you seem to have a #1 fan, that's pretty odd". He then decides to tell me about this ex. I never accused or got angry with him, I was hurt because he hid something from me that I think is a big deal. Keep in mind that this is also an ex from, as he said, *a year ago*. I was very upset that I have to suffer because he lied to me and she won't move on. Granted, I don't know exactly what happened and I can't put all the blame on one person, but he has had two months to tell me even the slightest about this. He has also lied to me before, because we had first met through social media. He was *four* years younger than he told me, and only told me the truth after we had talked for a month or so. I was very hurt, but I told him, then and there, that there would be no more lies between us, and he agreed. This was when the exclusive two months started.

He has abandonment issues and has had problems throughout his life, and I want to be there for him and help him move past all of that. But I can't keep sacrificing myself like this everyday, especially after growing up in an abusive home and being in many abusive relationships. Furthermore, I don't think anyone else has the right to judge on what they see as abusive or not. Keeping secrets, lying to my face, putting me as a romantic second priority, that is abusive to me.
LOL @ you trying to demonize him with shitty rhetoric of "abuse".

STFU

LOL @ hurt over him not talking to you about an ex-gf that came long before you, that he has no control over doing shitty things. Oh the indignity that he gives you an explanation of a past relationship, once your friend decided to be nosy! Oh my! How dare he try and reassure you! OMG! *roll eyes* Tell his ass to block her.

And then he lied about his age, GASP THE BLASPHEMY! OMG, WORSE LIE EVER IN THE HISTORY OF EVER!

Then he goes and tells you his insecurities in the last 60 days. Something that you completely negate as being important information, as he is opening up about very personal things about himself. But GASP after 60 days, you MUST be the priority of all!

Bro, you don't have the right to demand priority when you have been in a relationship for a blink of the eye. And your "definition" of abusive, allows you to claim that you have been in these series of "abusive" relationships. The victimization is strong in you.

Just no. LOL

Posted by Arielle83

Posted by nikkistar

Posted by queenalfsigir

For everyone saying I'm accusing him or being over dramatic, I told him "My friend noticed you seem to have a #1 fan, that's pretty odd". He then decides to tell me about this ex. I never accused or got angry with him, I was hurt because he hid something from me that I think is a big deal. Keep in mind that this is also an ex from, as he said, *a year ago*. I was very upset that I have to suffer because he lied to me and she won't move on. Granted, I don't know exactly what happened and I can't put all the blame on one person, but he has had two months to tell me even the slightest about this. He has also lied to me before, because we had first met through social media. He was *four* years younger than he told me, and only told me the truth after we had talked for a month or so. I was very hurt, but I told him, then and there, that there would be no more lies between us, and he agreed. This was when the exclusive two months started.

He has abandonment issues and has had problems throughout his life, and I want to be there for him and help him move past all of that. But I can't keep sacrificing myself like this everyday, especially after growing up in an abusive home and being in many abusive relationships. Furthermore, I don't think anyone else has the right to judge on what they see as abusive or not. Keeping secrets, lying to my face, putting me as a romantic second priority, that is abusive to me.
LOL @ you trying to demonize him with shitty rhetoric of "abuse".

STFU

LOL @ hurt over him not talking to you about an ex-gf that came long before you, that he has no control over doing shitty things. Oh the indignity that he gives you an explanation of a past relationship, once your friend decided to be nosy! Oh my! How dare he try and reassure you! OMG! *roll eyes* Tell his ass to block her.

And then he lied about his age, GASP THE BLASPHEMY! OMG, WORSE LIE EVER IN THE HISTORY OF EVER!

Then he goes and tells you his insecurities in the last 60 days. Something that you completely negate as being important information, as he is opening up about very personal things about himself. But GASP after 60 days, you MUST be the priority of all!

Bro, you don't have the right to demand priority when you have been in a relationship for a blink of the eye. And your "definition" of abusive, allows you to claim that you have been in these series of "abusive" relationships. The victimization is strong in you.

Just no. LOL

It’s funny how women never see themselves as the one who can be emotionally abusive. This is all controlling behaviour.
click to expand
She's made herself a martyr. lol
lol 2 months - is this a joke
Posted by Chuckcem

Posted by Waterbearerwearer

Posted by Chuckcem

Posted by Waterbearerwearer

Posted by Chuckcem

Posted by queenalfsigir

I am a Pisces woman that has been with an Aquarius man (great compatibility, I know) for about two months now. We have had a few hiccups here and there, and whenever this happens, he completely shuts down and refuses to talk to me. The most recent occasion was about two days ago now, after I saw someone tagging him in very "lovey dovey" things. I confront him about this and he says she is an ex who believes they will get back together, and he does not want to hurt her. When I show that I'm upset about this, he also gets upset and completely stops talking to me. How do I know when these mood swings go from irritating to emotionally abusive?
I wouldn't say this relationship is abusive, but it isn't healthy (borderline toxic). The problem is the Aquarius isn't taking responsibility for his own actions. He's being passive aggressive and is making it seem like you're wrong for being upset. Meanwhile he's shutting you out while still talking to his ex. Does that sound right to you? It definitely shouldn't feel right. This is what we call "the silent treatment" and "gaslighting". Both are techniques used to silently punish the other person while making them feel crazy about their own emotions. Simply put, you're being manipulated.

At no point does this behavior make sense in a healthy relationship. More than likely the Aqua has an unresolved connection with his ex and refuses deep down to let her go. When an Aqua is done with an ex, they are done and communication is shut off. However when when an Aqua is not truly done with an ex, they'll attempt to distance themselves but wont cut off their heart completely. They'll swear up and down that the ex is out of the picture, but still won't be able to shake those feelings deep down. This can eventually lead to them dropping their supposed love interest to reconcile with the ex.

The easiest way to know if an Aqua is over their ex is if they can't shake them. Aquas are fixed signs, they're either in or they're out. Likewise the easiest way to know how much an Aqua cares is if they choose to change their behavior once they realize that you've been hurt. An Aqua who isn't willing to compromise is unfortunately not really into you.

My advice is to let the Aqua go do his own thing. Walk away and give him th space to do whatever he pleases. This will free yourself up for other opposrtunities in love. The worst thing you can do is to set yourself up as an option or someone's plaything. True love comes from within and sometimes it's up to you to cut your losses and find a more suitable partner. If the Aqua can't give you what you need, don't force it. Just find someone else who will.


I agree with most of what you’re saying bar the part where you assume that Aqua shutting down is acting with no propriety.

Aqua know when shit isn’t flying well. They see it coming and have very little tolerance for small talk or emotional chasing of the tail.

Usually when conflicts arise there’s a level of understanding that needs to happen before any kind of reconciliation is possible.

People who sweep shit under the carpet trip on that later.

Aqua would ideally prefer to work it out with a rational discussion (fixed air modus operandi) than any other way.

No finger pointing no kicking dogs while they are down. We will fkn run.

We tend to receive info in the spirit it’s given so if you’re chill and open we will follow suit.

Play games and we will bounce.
Yes, but context is everything. This Aqua is clearly using the silent treatment, so the onus is on him. There can't be a healthy functional relationship without open communication. Just because he may feel the need to shut down the conversation, doesn't mean it's the right move.

In this particular case OP has a legitimate concern because her boyfriend is not communicating with her while still communicating with his ex. Likewise he knows the ex is trying to reconcile, so it's not hard to see that there's something very wrong in this scenario. Furthermore OP should be made aware that the Aqua may not know what is going on in his own mind/heart right now. The fact that he isn't shaking off his ex is a bad sign.


We are hearing one side of the story.

Maybe OP is incessant or intense. I’d be interested in knowing what her mars venus and merc were doing.

Aqua want to communicate we actually are quite in your face with it however if the narrative becomes accusatory or shit flinging we will shut down.

In psychological terms it’s deemed the highest form of coping strategy on the Maslow chart. To disassociate while people are worshipping their feelings is better than hitting the bottle or venting on social media.


I can say at times it’s weaponised af but in this case I don’t think so.

Aqua appreciates chill, 1st 2nd decans especially. Maybe op is busting his balls.
Fair. I've personally seen some Aqua's act passive aggressively and avoid difficult situations while I've seen others be more confrontational//blunt. Basically I don't assume any one Aqua or person is built alike. Even still that doesn't explain why the Aqua is communicating with an ex who is looking to reconcile. Regardless of everything else, that's a problem.
click to expand
all I saw the OP mention was his ex tagging him, nothing about him engaging said ex. While I do agree with much of what you have said about Aquas and when we are done , etc..

It's been 2 months since she has been dating/seeing the Aqua, not sure its' even a defined relationship, since that hasn't been asked. If it is not defined it changes things, yes? I mean sure have the conversation about the ex. but besides blocking the Ex. or limiting access, what can the Aqua really do? They cannot control what another person does or doesn't do.

I don't see abuse here tbh, I see a guarded Aqua.

Posted by queenalfsigir

For everyone saying I'm accusing him or being over dramatic, I told him "My friend noticed you seem to have a #1 fan, that's pretty odd". He then decides to tell me about this ex. I never accused or got angry with him, I was hurt because he hid something from me that I think is a big deal. Keep in mind that this is also an ex from, as he said, *a year ago*. I was very upset that I have to suffer because he lied to me and she won't move on. Granted, I don't know exactly what happened and I can't put all the blame on one person, but he has had two months to tell me even the slightest about this. He has also lied to me before, because we had first met through social media. He was *four* years younger than he told me, and only told me the truth after we had talked for a month or so. I was very hurt, but I told him, then and there, that there would be no more lies between us, and he agreed. This was when the exclusive two months started.

He has abandonment issues and has had problems throughout his life, and I want to be there for him and help him move past all of that. But I can't keep sacrificing myself like this everyday, especially after growing up in an abusive home and being in many abusive relationships. Furthermore, I don't think anyone else has the right to judge on what they see as abusive or not. Keeping secrets, lying to my face, putting me as a romantic second priority, that is abusive to me.


If for you it feels abusive, end it. No one needs to tell you anything else in all honesty.
Posted by justagirl

Posted by Chuckcem

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Posted by Chuckcem

Posted by Waterbearerwearer

Posted by Chuckcem

Posted by queenalfsigir

I am a Pisces woman that has been with an Aquarius man (great compatibility, I know) for about two months now. We have had a few hiccups here and there, and whenever this happens, he completely shuts down and refuses to talk to me. The most recent occasion was about two days ago now, after I saw someone tagging him in very "lovey dovey" things. I confront him about this and he says she is an ex who believes they will get back together, and he does not want to hurt her. When I show that I'm upset about this, he also gets upset and completely stops talking to me. How do I know when these mood swings go from irritating to emotionally abusive?
I wouldn't say this relationship is abusive, but it isn't healthy (borderline toxic). The problem is the Aquarius isn't taking responsibility for his own actions. He's being passive aggressive and is making it seem like you're wrong for being upset. Meanwhile he's shutting you out while still talking to his ex. Does that sound right to you? It definitely shouldn't feel right. This is what we call "the silent treatment" and "gaslighting". Both are techniques used to silently punish the other person while making them feel crazy about their own emotions. Simply put, you're being manipulated.

At no point does this behavior make sense in a healthy relationship. More than likely the Aqua has an unresolved connection with his ex and refuses deep down to let her go. When an Aqua is done with an ex, they are done and communication is shut off. However when when an Aqua is not truly done with an ex, they'll attempt to distance themselves but wont cut off their heart completely. They'll swear up and down that the ex is out of the picture, but still won't be able to shake those feelings deep down. This can eventually lead to them dropping their supposed love interest to reconcile with the ex.

The easiest way to know if an Aqua is over their ex is if they can't shake them. Aquas are fixed signs, they're either in or they're out. Likewise the easiest way to know how much an Aqua cares is if they choose to change their behavior once they realize that you've been hurt. An Aqua who isn't willing to compromise is unfortunately not really into you.

My advice is to let the Aqua go do his own thing. Walk away and give him th space to do whatever he pleases. This will free yourself up for other opposrtunities in love. The worst thing you can do is to set yourself up as an option or someone's plaything. True love comes from within and sometimes it's up to you to cut your losses and find a more suitable partner. If the Aqua can't give you what you need, don't force it. Just find someone else who will.


I agree with most of what you’re saying bar the part where you assume that Aqua shutting down is acting with no propriety.

Aqua know when shit isn’t flying well. They see it coming and have very little tolerance for small talk or emotional chasing of the tail.

Usually when conflicts arise there’s a level of understanding that needs to happen before any kind of reconciliation is possible.

People who sweep shit under the carpet trip on that later.

Aqua would ideally prefer to work it out with a rational discussion (fixed air modus operandi) than any other way.

No finger pointing no kicking dogs while they are down. We will fkn run.

We tend to receive info in the spirit it’s given so if you’re chill and open we will follow suit.

Play games and we will bounce.
Yes, but context is everything. This Aqua is clearly using the silent treatment, so the onus is on him. There can't be a healthy functional relationship without open communication. Just because he may feel the need to shut down the conversation, doesn't mean it's the right move.

In this particular case OP has a legitimate concern because her boyfriend is not communicating with her while still communicating with his ex. Likewise he knows the ex is trying to reconcile, so it's not hard to see that there's something very wrong in this scenario. Furthermore OP should be made aware that the Aqua may not know what is going on in his own mind/heart right now. The fact that he isn't shaking off his ex is a bad sign.


We are hearing one side of the story.

Maybe OP is incessant or intense. I’d be interested in knowing what her mars venus and merc were doing.

Aqua want to communicate we actually are quite in your face with it however if the narrative becomes accusatory or shit flinging we will shut down.

In psychological terms it’s deemed the highest form of coping strategy on the Maslow chart. To disassociate while people are worshipping their feelings is better than hitting the bottle or venting on social media.


I can say at times it’s weaponised af but in this case I don’t think so.

Aqua appreciates chill, 1st 2nd decans especially. Maybe op is busting his balls.
Fair. I've personally seen some Aqua's act passive aggressively and avoid difficult situations while I've seen others be more confrontational//blunt. Basically I don't assume any one Aqua or person is built alike. Even still that doesn't explain why the Aqua is communicating with an ex who is looking to reconcile. Regardless of everything else, that's a problem.
all I saw the OP mention was his ex tagging him, nothing about him engaging said ex. While I do agree with much of what you have said about Aquas and when we are done , etc..

It's been 2 months since she has been dating/seeing the Aqua, not sure its' even a defined relationship, since that hasn't been asked. If it is not defined it changes things, yes? I mean sure have the conversation about the ex. but besides blocking the Ex. or limiting access, what can the Aqua really do? They cannot control what another person does or doesn't do.

I don't see abuse here tbh, I see a guarded Aqua.

click to expand
That's true. 2 months is definitely too short to take things seriously. I guess I'm just trying to convey that OP doesn't have to stay in a situation that doesn't feel right to her if communication is stagnant. Also I always take a lingering ex as a sign of trouble on the horizon.
Posted by Chuckcem

Posted by justagirl

Posted by Chuckcem

Posted by Waterbearerwearer

Posted by Chuckcem

Posted by Waterbearerwearer

Posted by Chuckcem

Posted by queenalfsigir

I am a Pisces woman that has been with an Aquarius man (great compatibility, I know) for about two months now. We have had a few hiccups here and there, and whenever this happens, he completely shuts down and refuses to talk to me. The most recent occasion was about two days ago now, after I saw someone tagging him in very "lovey dovey" things. I confront him about this and he says she is an ex who believes they will get back together, and he does not want to hurt her. When I show that I'm upset about this, he also gets upset and completely stops talking to me. How do I know when these mood swings go from irritating to emotionally abusive?
I wouldn't say this relationship is abusive, but it isn't healthy (borderline toxic). The problem is the Aquarius isn't taking responsibility for his own actions. He's being passive aggressive and is making it seem like you're wrong for being upset. Meanwhile he's shutting you out while still talking to his ex. Does that sound right to you? It definitely shouldn't feel right. This is what we call "the silent treatment" and "gaslighting". Both are techniques used to silently punish the other person while making them feel crazy about their own emotions. Simply put, you're being manipulated.

At no point does this behavior make sense in a healthy relationship. More than likely the Aqua has an unresolved connection with his ex and refuses deep down to let her go. When an Aqua is done with an ex, they are done and communication is shut off. However when when an Aqua is not truly done with an ex, they'll attempt to distance themselves but wont cut off their heart completely. They'll swear up and down that the ex is out of the picture, but still won't be able to shake those feelings deep down. This can eventually lead to them dropping their supposed love interest to reconcile with the ex.

The easiest way to know if an Aqua is over their ex is if they can't shake them. Aquas are fixed signs, they're either in or they're out. Likewise the easiest way to know how much an Aqua cares is if they choose to change their behavior once they realize that you've been hurt. An Aqua who isn't willing to compromise is unfortunately not really into you.

My advice is to let the Aqua go do his own thing. Walk away and give him th space to do whatever he pleases. This will free yourself up for other opposrtunities in love. The worst thing you can do is to set yourself up as an option or someone's plaything. True love comes from within and sometimes it's up to you to cut your losses and find a more suitable partner. If the Aqua can't give you what you need, don't force it. Just find someone else who will.


I agree with most of what you’re saying bar the part where you assume that Aqua shutting down is acting with no propriety.

Aqua know when shit isn’t flying well. They see it coming and have very little tolerance for small talk or emotional chasing of the tail.

Usually when conflicts arise there’s a level of understanding that needs to happen before any kind of reconciliation is possible.

People who sweep shit under the carpet trip on that later.

Aqua would ideally prefer to work it out with a rational discussion (fixed air modus operandi) than any other way.

No finger pointing no kicking dogs while they are down. We will fkn run.

We tend to receive info in the spirit it’s given so if you’re chill and open we will follow suit.

Play games and we will bounce.
Yes, but context is everything. This Aqua is clearly using the silent treatment, so the onus is on him. There can't be a healthy functional relationship without open communication. Just because he may feel the need to shut down the conversation, doesn't mean it's the right move.

In this particular case OP has a legitimate concern because her boyfriend is not communicating with her while still communicating with his ex. Likewise he knows the ex is trying to reconcile, so it's not hard to see that there's something very wrong in this scenario. Furthermore OP should be made aware that the Aqua may not know what is going on in his own mind/heart right now. The fact that he isn't shaking off his ex is a bad sign.


We are hearing one side of the story.

Maybe OP is incessant or intense. I’d be interested in knowing what her mars venus and merc were doing.

Aqua want to communicate we actually are quite in your face with it however if the narrative becomes accusatory or shit flinging we will shut down.

In psychological terms it’s deemed the highest form of coping strategy on the Maslow chart. To disassociate while people are worshipping their feelings is better than hitting the bottle or venting on social media.


I can say at times it’s weaponised af but in this case I don’t think so.

Aqua appreciates chill, 1st 2nd decans especially. Maybe op is busting his balls.
Fair. I've personally seen some Aqua's act passive aggressively and avoid difficult situations while I've seen others be more confrontational//blunt. Basically I don't assume any one Aqua or person is built alike. Even still that doesn't explain why the Aqua is communicating with an ex who is looking to reconcile. Regardless of everything else, that's a problem.
all I saw the OP mention was his ex tagging him, nothing about him engaging said ex. While I do agree with much of what you have said about Aquas and when we are done , etc..

It's been 2 months since she has been dating/seeing the Aqua, not sure its' even a defined relationship, since that hasn't been asked. If it is not defined it changes things, yes? I mean sure have the conversation about the ex. but besides blocking the Ex. or limiting access, what can the Aqua really do? They cannot control what another person does or doesn't do.

I don't see abuse here tbh, I see a guarded Aqua.

That's true. 2 months is definitely too short to take things seriously. I guess I'm just trying to convey that OP doesn't have to stay in a situation that doesn't feel right to her if communication is stagnant. Also I always take a lingering ex as a sign of trouble on the horizon.
click to expand
Agreed.

Aquas can be dam good at the silent treatment.. i've been guilty of it myself. *hides*