How do you react when you find out???

This topic was created in the Relationships forum by awesomevirgyal on Tuesday, September 20, 2011 and has 62 replies.
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The guy you have dated for six months has a young baby born couple months after you guys start dating....When you approach him about it he didn't deny it his excuse is that he wanted to tell you but he was afraid that he would have lost you and you mean alot to him and that they baby came into play but that doesn't mean life ends...Take into consideration he has been of great help to you in any way he can... What would you do ??
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Same thing I was doing before he told me.

Instead of thinking about what you would do .. you should probably be thinking about what kind of an impression you gave him that made him think your door was so closed tight, that he was afraid to approach the topic.

Him having a baby on the way while with you, has nothing to do with you, since the baby was made before you .... so the baby isn't the issue, nor should it be made an issue.

The issue at hand is that he felt unable to talk to you, for fear that you would leave him ..... which means communication is fucked up. And since communication is fucked up, then real talk between the two of you won't happen
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Posted by awesomevirgyal
...Take into consideration he has been of great help to you in any way he can...




I'm unsure why the above has any value.
Are you implying that his service to you is of enough import that it wieghs in on the same level as emotions? Perhaps, it even outwieghs emotions, since you've said nothing about how you "feel" while making the statement to consider what he does to help you.

You're a Virgo, then, I assume.
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I can see where P-Angel is coming from. I had a very different reaction when I read this, though.
I'm not interested in raising kids. That's why I don't have any. This man asked you to make a life decision (being with him) while conveniently forgetting to mention that you'll most likely be playing a major part in a child's life...even if only financially. You deserved to know where you stood, and have all the information, before deciding.
If the baby is no big deal (as he said after you found out), then why was he treating it like one? He was trying to hook you into the relationship before telling you about something he obviously sees as a detriment to your future together.
It's fine to explore whether you put off a vibe that makes you unapproachable about certain subjects, but I think it's also important to ask: (1) Why does he see his offspring as a minus instead of a plus? (2) Do I want a man who is fine with lying to me for his own benefit? (3) Do I want a man who's too much of a pussy to be straightforward about his life and to tell me "Here is what I am...take me or leave me"?
I don't see how his helping you with things has anything to do with this particular question. Your partner is supposed to help you. He's not supposed to deceive you.
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If he doesn't communicate something so important as a newborn baby he won't be forthcoming with much else either and that is recipe for disaster down the road as the relationship develops, communication is very important and if he already has it in his mind he can't tell you certain things about himself then you won't get the opportunity to build trust with one another.
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Whimsy I appreaciate your opinion as well as tiki. I know i was blind sighted in terms of i entered into a relationship not knowing fully what I had to deal with...But my greatest problem is the baby is young and more likely he will want to play a role in his baby's life for 18 years given... at the end of the day either way even though i love him this is going to have an effect on me as the baby is gonna take up my time some where along the line...I dont want to deal with this but I cant ignore it either as I have to put myself first..I have seen where he has opened up to me alot since I found out but for me this still doesn't change things as a young baby can make situation alot more complicated and it already has...I dont even want anyone looking on the outside think im trying to break up a family even though I have not questioned it there was must something great between them before the baby came into place..But my question is how does one let go when u have already given yourself to this man, and have fallen so deep this is so hard for me...and very emotional
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Posted by P-Angel
Same thing I was doing before he told me.

Instead of thinking about what you would do .. you should probably be thinking about what kind of an impression you gave him that made him think your door was so closed tight, that he was afraid to approach the topic.

Him having a baby on the way while with you, has nothing to do with you, since the baby was made before you .... so the baby isn't the issue, nor should it be made an issue.

The issue at hand is that he felt unable to talk to you, for fear that you would leave him ..... which means communication is fucked up. And since communication is fucked up, then real talk between the two of you won't happen


P-Angel why do you think that the baby should not be an issue now??? Communication i think at least i thought was not a problem as we used to go for long walks on the beach talking or we used to talk for hours...pretty much what u says makes sense but i dont get where ur coming from when u say the baby should not make a difference... & yes i am a virgo and he is a virgo as well
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I guess if I were in your shoes I would have a huge concern that he's still having some kind of relationship with the babies mother, what I've been told by other male friends and have observed myself is that unless something is terribly disconnected between the mother and father of the baby intimacy is still occurring (doesn't mean all the time but at some point they'll sleep together again) men typically will still carrying on a sexual emotional affair with the babies mom b/c deep down he wants to see if he can make it work and the other woman (you) actually help him escape the hard stuff with the babies mom and focus more on the good stuff which actually helps him keep his relationship going with the babies mom and the mere fact that he wasn't forthcoming about the baby would be enough for me to step back and reevaluate what I want.
No one here can tell you to leave but I have a gut feeling you know it's time to bail out and the longer you resist leaving and thus choosing to immerse yourself into this relationship and make this man your life the harder it'll be to walk away.
Consider sitting down with him and ask some really hard questions, he may act like he's annoyed and become tense about it but let him know it's important that all of your questions be answered so you can feel more at ease with the situation. Most importantly you need to ask if he's still being sexual with his this other woman which includes, hugging, kissing, spending the night over her place and ask him if he has feelings of making it work with her, of course he could lie but maybe the way he answers the questions will give you an idea if you should stay or go, if he dodges answering your questions then you have your answer, give yourself permission to get out of the relationship before it's too late.
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Posted by Whimsy
..... while conveniently forgetting to mention




When in reality, what was said was ........

Posted by awesomevirgyal
... he wanted to tell you but he was afraid that he would have lost you

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Posted by Whimsy
If the baby is no big deal (as he said after you found out), then why was he treating it like one?




When in reality, what was said was ......

Posted by awesomevirgyal
.... and you mean alot to him and that they baby came into play but that doesn't mean life ends...

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Posted by Whimsy
This man asked you to make a life decision




When in reality, they are just dating and no mention of life decisions .....

Posted by awesomevirgyal
The guy you have dated for six months

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Posted by Whimsy
.... you'll most likely be playing a major part in a child's life...even if only financially.




When in reality, there is no mention of finances, nor anything that even resembles her playing a major part in the child's life

Posted by awesomevirgyal
The guy you have dated for six months has a young baby born couple months after you guys start dating....When you approach him about it he didn't deny it his excuse is that he wanted to tell you but he was afraid that he would have lost you and you mean alot to him and that they baby came into play but that doesn't mean life ends...Take into consideration he has been of great help to you in any way he can... What would you do ??
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Posted by Whimsy
He was trying to hook you into the relationship before telling you about something he obviously sees as a detriment to your future together.





It appears to me that people, for the most part, relate to their own experiences and attempt to apply them to the other person and their experience .... and rarely comment on the persons actual experience.

Whimsey, I'm sorry that you had those experiences ... however, this lady said none of the things.
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Posted by awesomevirgyal
P-Angel why do you think that the baby should not be an issue now??? Communication i think at least i thought was not a problem as we used to go for long walks on the beach talking or we used to talk for hours...pretty much what u says makes sense but i dont get where ur coming from when u say the baby should not make a difference...




Because a baby is a life .. not an issue
He said he was afraid to tell you ... apparently he was right in telling you because look at you now, you have indeed made it into something about you, and your commitment issues ... so he was right in his fear of you not being able to handle life.

It wouldn't make a difference to me because I'm not self-centered, like you apparently are.
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I would leave him. I do not date people with children, i coulld make an acception for someone special but not if they had not informed be before the relationship started.
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I'm still trying to get past you saying that we should consider all that he has done for you .... because for you to add that, it would indicate that it's high priority rather than feelings conveyed ... you spoke nothing of feelings, only that he does things for you.

So, how can one be surprised that you don't know how to handle life happenings?

Him having a child has nothign to do with you, and how he feels about you ... it causes no relationship problems, unless you choose for it to be a problem ... which it's obvious you do anticipate it to, since you called a baby and "issue".

What you think, is what you get .... you obviously look for a problem in the relationship .... so, stop worrying, if the baby doesn't pan out to be a problem for you .... I'm sure you'll think of something else to view negatively in your relationship.

You are a Virgo, heaven forbide that you actually roll with the punches and enjoy/appreciate what you have
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What blueribbons said..
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Posted by P-Angel
I'm still trying to get past you saying that we should consider all that he has done for you .... because for you to add that, it would indicate that it's high priority rather than feelings conveyed ... you spoke nothing of feelings, only that he does things for you.

So, how can one be surprised that you don't know how to handle life happenings?

Him having a child has nothign to do with you, and how he feels about you ... it causes no relationship problems, unless you choose for it to be a problem ... which it's obvious you do anticipate it to, since you called a baby and "issue".

What you think, is what you get .... you obviously look for a problem in the relationship .... so, stop worrying, if the baby doesn't pan out to be a problem for you .... I'm sure you'll think of something else to view negatively in your relationship.

You are a Virgo, heaven forbide that you actually roll with the punches and enjoy/appreciate what you have


aww pissy little mouse remembered how she found out she wasnt satisfying her hubby enough so he went to look for mental and physical satisfaction elsewhere how sad awwww, though actually idgaf im not really sad
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Thanks blue ribbons, p-angel i dont wanna knock you but a baby is a new life and its very obivous that the baby will have some impact on our relationship some way or another . As well as they have to be some form of communication between him and the baby mother, which in way i dont want to include myself in that as im not saying he is still with her but it is surely possible...
I know he respects me for the fact that when he is going to babysit or go by the childs mother house sometimes he will call to indicate to me that he is going there...I found out by her telling me via email...and when i asked him about it what i did appreciate is that he didn't lie or try to cover anything up but he did be honest and come clean... My problem was something so important as a little baby why would he hide it so long regardless of him not wanting to loose me... When at first i indicated to him that i need honesty...and it was clear..
His family had a family reunion the other day and he didn't bring her and the baby he brought me...and I am saying to myself there must be some special feelings for me why he brought me to place where alot of family members are present...
Its hard to let go because I love him very much and he says he loves me too, but i dont want to deprive myself of a relationship i think i deserve...and yes if i had found out in the first instance that he had a young baby i would never had spoke to him...How much woman would really do that...I have seen the baby since..he babysitted one night and asked me to accompany him at his home until it was time to carry back his son..
But right now its a case where i hardly see him as he works from mid day to night and when he gets off sometimes he has to babysit as the mother will sometimes be at work....
I really dont find comfort being between a father & mother of a young born child who is not even a year old yet..
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Posted by awesomevirgyal
.... they have to be some form of communication between him and the baby mother ...




So what?
I'm sure he has communication with all people who have been in his life.
Are you one of those kind of girlfriends that gets jealous if her man had a life before he met you?

You sound like it.
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<"`.
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Posted by blueribbons

And for P-Angel... not sure why she's so strung out on pushing you together with this guy. TBH she's saying you're selfish for leaving him.. I guarantee if you said you were staying with him she'd call you a homewrecker.




I never said, nor implied, nor insinuated it ..... sounds like you're another idiot who can't comprehend.
I never even addressed whether they should be together, nor apart .... seriously, how stupid can you people get
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But, please ... do continue ... I love it when you all show others how dumb you are.

everytime you stupid people say soemthing like that, I will always point it out ... so everyone else can sit back and think, "Oh right, P-Angel didn't say that, did she? Yep, another one who has a stick so far up their ass because P-Angel spoke that they don't even know they just made a fool out of themselves"

Yes indeed .. I do love it.

Say more stupid shit, so I can point it out ... so you can look even dumber.
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Thanks blue ribbons, i appreciate your comments.... i think p-angel is a contradiction by herself...best ignore her before she annoys me because i still cant see her logic when she says the baby does not affect anything...
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Posted by awesomevirgyal
i think p-angel is a contradiction by herself...best ignore her before she annoys me because i still cant see her logic when she says the baby does not affect anything...



That's because you want a problem ... however, I'm not surprised in the least that a Virgo is so closed-minded, and isn't able to see beyond the borders of their box.
Here's a clue, should you decide to at least try and have a logical mind ..... everything in life affects you if you want it to, nothing in life affects you if you don't want it to.

now you figure that out ... or, you can simply continue to choose to ignore any sense it makes so that you can continue believing that it's someone elses fault for your life path.

I especially love how people (and yes, you too virgo) .... attempt to make the assertion that someone else, or something else is at fault, or to blame .... it's always the negative take on life. They think I'm negative when it's really them.
I'm the one telling them to get a grip and actually do something for your fucking self ... while the continue to moan and groan because life sucks, and they can't help it because it's someone elses fault.

Love it .... please continue being a moron.

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Listen i wont say that anything that you have said does not make sense, but the opinion you pointed out that the baby doesn't affect things seize to amaze me. Now when you are going to say that im closed minded because of the path i choose i think you being a bit niave , there is no way i would have spoken to him if I knew he had a young baby , because i dont want to be involved or being seen as a family wrecker.and im pretty sure im not the only one who feels this way..and thats not the type of life style i choose to live with. I put myself in that womans position if i had a young baby i would have wanted to know that I can have my babyfather around without no one to think about it..who knows they might be at odds now and the tables might turn later on...Now most women who is looking for a relationship i doubt with enter into a relationship like this also where they know there is a young baby involved...
Now my question to you, do you have a virgo problem????
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I have thought this out carefully.. I mean I love him , i will always be there if he needs a friend but for right now i think he has some unresloved issues where this child is concerned...I think for both me and him its the best decision i can make right now...The way how i see things if we are meant to be and God has ordained him for me he will be back who knows, but for right now i dont wanna feel burdened by the fact that there is a young baby involved and if i were in her place i would love if the baby daddy would be there for both me and the child.. As individuals we look at things from our perspective but what if you were actually in the other persons shoe, would your opinion change? I guess it has taken a toll on me , you know as the baby gets older I will see what happens...But i always wish him the best...I think we understand each other like the palm of our hands so he will understand...
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Posted by awesomevirgyal
Now my question to you, do you have a virgo problem????



HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....giiiirl, like you wouldn't even know! She despises us Virgos. How come you didn't know this? You need to hang around the Virgo board more often. You'll see exactly what I'm talking about!
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No, wait...let me rephrase...she PRETENDS to despise Virgos. Sick and twisted!
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Don't forget us! She has a special place in her heart for Gems too!
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Oh yes! The Gems too!
Let's just say she is in LOVE with the Mercury ruled folk! Hah!
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LOL ....smile is her other half or man a virgo???
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I mean isn't
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Posted by awesomevirgyal
LOL ....smile is her other half or man a virgo???


DING! DING! DING!
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Posted by P-Angel
Posted by P-Angel
Posted by awesomevirgyal
.... there is no way i would have spoken to him if I knew he had a young baby ...


You mustn't forget what you said though ... see below ...

Posted by awesomevirgyal
...Take into consideration he has been of great help to you in any way he can...




Now, since you are talking hypothetically, since you really have no way of know whether or not a baby is going to affect your life, that is until you decide to let it ... but, for now, you don't know that. You know you're having an emotion that you don't quite know what to do with, nor what it means because if you did know, then you wouldn't have a need to come here and ask someone else.
Anyway, since you are talking hypothetically ...... have you forgotten yourself to include all the things he has done for you as a consideration? Because that must be thought of ... it was a part of your original train of thought.

If he does a lot for you, which he must .... you can always decide that the baby doesn't have to affect you
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Now, since you are talking hypothetically, since you really have no way of know whether or not a baby is going to affect your life, that is until you decide to let it ... but, for now, you don't know that. You know you're having an emotion that you don't quite know what to do with, nor what it means because if you did know, then you wouldn't have a need to come here and ask someone else.

Anyway, since you are talking hypothetically ...... have you forgotten yourself to include all the things he has done for you as a consideration? Because that must be thought of ... it was a part of your original train of thought.

If he does a lot for you, which he must .... you can always decide that the baby doesn't have to affect you
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Of course, whatever you do .... don't allow yourself the control over yourself as to what is going to affect you and what is not .. because that would be too confident in yourself.
Whatever you decide .. make sure you remind yourself to remain the victim in the situation, so that you can continue to be upset about what he does to you.

Heaven forbide that you decide what you're going to react to.
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He could be your soul mate ..... but, just completely disregard any positive that might be within or developed within the relationship .... and put all your focus on what could potentially be wrong ... hypothetically speaking, since nothing has acutally occured wrong outside of your head.
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If i was a girl and that happened, id send him to the Maury Show.
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lol...hey wgamador...i've been missing you around here
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Posted by awesomevirgyal
lol...hey wgamador...i've been missing you around here


hey lady-bug.
Ive missed all of you too.
My doggy being sick and all a few weeks ago really fucked me up emotionally.
She is doing a lot better and so am I. I give her SubQ fluids every morning it breaks my heart but it helps her kidneys to function better (miracle)and keeps her hydrated.
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wow...good to know doggy is alot better...regardless of you giving her the subq fluids as long as it makes her function well thats what you need until she can become a 100% percent healthy again...
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"I found out by her telling me via email"
That alone would be a concern for me. Why else would she do that unless he's still sleeping with her. Be careful, this guy has dishonesty written all over him, don't be surprised if someone such his baby mom alerts you to the real deal that she's still have sex in hopes of patching things up. I am not trying to scare your but the baby is young and when a child is that young there are still feelings in that relationship....Don't be a naive fool that's all I'm saying
And yeah I agree, call Maury he'll get the truth out of him LMAO!! Lie detector test question 1. Were you sleeping with your baby mama before and after you met awesomevirgyal...You say no but the lie detector says that is a lie! YOU ARE THE FATHER!!
LMAO! Stupid ass show
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i like you tiki..imma add you on my favorites , but of course i know that... was in his email the other day and she sent him a mail how she saw me by the casino and i look so pretty and i was on my phone talking and she is quite sure he was talking to me because she called his phone and he didn't answer why is it that he cant leave me alone and come back to her...I was in awe but i did not let him know about being in his email... The conversations they had via email was very general however trust me tiki im on my toes with this one and that why i said in my previous post that

Posted by awesomevirgyal
there is no way i would have spoken to him if I knew he had a young baby , because i dont want to be involved or being seen as a family wrecker.and im pretty sure im not the only one who feels this way..and thats not the type of life style i choose to live with. I put myself in that womans position if i had a young baby i would have wanted to know that I can have my babyfather around without no one to think about it..who knows they might be at odds now and the tables might turn later on...Now most women who is looking for a relationship i doubt with enter into a relationship like this also where they know there is a young baby involved...

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She's wearing him down and inevitably the moment you 2 are not so good together which can take anywhere from 6 months to 9 months going on a year he'll be back in her face sexually, intimately so again I know I said be careful but "BE CAREFUL" and the mere fact that your in his email checking up behind him is a sure sign that you don't trust him or her for that matter and I can't much blame you but personally if I have to check and snoop behind a man then I don't feel good about myself, I feel more like an insecure woman that relies heavily on my man for my self esteem, like I'm losing myself, I just don't want that kind of man, I don't own him and I don't want to be his mother or behave like some controlling stalker loser in attempts to keep up with him, not that you are a controlling stalker loser but the behavior of snooping and checking behind him appears that way, you know it's not cool to do that but I understand why you feel you maybe don't have a choice.
Snooping equals he is just not the one...
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Wtf? @ P-Angel's response. Ignorant.
As a single mom who has had dated... He was most likely afraid you'd leave him. Not everyone wants a pre-made family. Single parents have less of a chance. He was wrong to suck you in first because everyone has the right to choose. We single parents have to accept that many don't want it but oh well. That's our life.
I would not be ok with him not divulging that info but, depending on the situation, I might choose to stay. He could have just made a rookie mistake out of fear of rejection.
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So to answer your question of how do you just walk away from someone you love. Turn the knob on the door.....lock it on the way out.....keep yourself occupied and time takes care of the rest....
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what crabbytwins said
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Posted by wgamador2
Posted by awesomevirgyal
lol...hey wgamador...i've been missing you around here


hey lady-bug.
Ive missed all of you too.
My doggy being sick and all a few weeks ago really fucked me up emotionally.
She is doing a lot better and so am I. I give her SubQ fluids every morning it breaks my heart but it helps her kidneys to function better (miracle)and keeps her hydrated.

click to expand


yay! she is feeling better!!!!! I was wandering what was the outcome......Glad to hear everything is ok.
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Thanks for your response guys, i've tryed the distancing myself thing not taking one phone call or answering a text message and trying to pre-occupy myself with other stuff but really it hasn't worked out... ...I feel ok day one and day two but after day three and four i get in this depressed mood or he either shows up at my work place or my house trying to find out whats wrong...i guess why i feel this way too he and my mom are close , and im am close with his family as well... and i really enjoy the time i spend with him you know when im around him i get 100% he does make anything be of disturbances while we are together..for example if his phone rings too much while we are together he will just turn it off and lock it in the car.... He looks out for my best interest too...if i need anything once he has it he will give me...plus i can count on one hand where i ever spent money since we have been together its like he takes care of my or our expenses not that i want a guy to spoil me or not that im not independent i am but when u find a man like that which to me is hard to find its hard to let go...And to be honest he is everything i could want in a man apart from the fact that he has a young baby...Sad
Tiki well yeah of course i know im wrong, and it is true that if you have to be snooping around in email, phone or whatever it makes no sense....aawwwhhhh at the time it was left open and i guess being nosey i went all in which was wrong... I spoke to his mom about it after and she said never search in a mans privacy because one you will hurt yourself while doing it and two you will make a man feel betrayed and cause complications in your relationship
We will meet up for dinner & movies this weekend and as suggested by someone im going to have a detailed talk with him...before i make and utilmate decision Sad
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